I sure do have a lot to write about and most of it isn’t very good. Let me get the other things out of the way before I get into the same old shit.

We’re making a family calendar for Christmas. Tom went over to Ma’s to videotape her photo albums. We’re getting ma puzzles, but anyway, we’re gonna have family pictures by each month and a picture of those whose birthdays or anniversaries are on certain dates.

I got restocked on my markers and did a couple of really neat envelopes for Larry. On the front of one of them, I did a line of crayons all lined up and wrote the names of their colors on them, just like they are written on crayons. I also did one of a nighttime desert scene on the back. That one, Tom really loved. He liked the crayons a lot but thought the desert scene was excellent.

I started this desert scene on the living room wall across the back of the couch.

Tom’s cold is just starting to taper off, but Larry sure had quite a cold when I called him last night.

Larry says they warmed up again to 40°, but that it’s to get cold again. I gave him my laugh, anyway.

We got a few Christmas cards from Tom’s family and I got a card from Kim today, too.

I just did up letters to Larry and Kim.

The John Saul fan club thing I sent away for was returned to me, cuz that address was closed out.

I renewed our library books by phone.

I think that’s the trivial stuff that’s been going on.

Anyway, the reason why I haven’t been too happy, naturally, is cuz of that faithful red friend I knew I’d get. It started last night. Tom said this could be good, cuz we screwed when I was 14 days after my period, so all this means is that we didn’t hit it right and I wasn’t on a 28-day cycle. I know what this means. That God still hates me and will never love me enough to bless us with a child.

Anyway, he had just gone to bed last night before 8:00 and I decided to watch a movie. So, I sat down to do so and of course, the first set of commercials had to be all about pregnancy tests. Then I felt wet down there, went to check, and saw that it was starting. So this was an instant end to my good mood. Then the next set of commercials was about the power of prayer. The only power I have from prayer is the power for them to be unheard and unanswered. I thought it just wouldn’t be fair if I’d gotten a period, but even Andy agrees that God controls our bodies and that life’s not fair. It’s like it’s deliberately designed to be unfair.

The thing about it is that for about two days prior to my period, even I had a slightly positive vibe picking up. The scale said 106 steadily and my boobs were so sore and I was so watery that even I began to wonder. Stupid me, though. The thought of having a child brought tears of joy to my eyes as I realized how complete I’d feel to have such a great husband and a child. I kept telling myself I was a silly little dreamer and to get real and then reality came alright Even my horoscope said to hang onto reality and don’t do too much wishful thinking. Tom would agree with the part telling me to reevaluate and change my belief system, though.

God just doesn’t want me to move on. He’s so determined to keep me right where I am.

I just don’t see how Tom can believe I’m fine and that we just haven’t hit it right yet. He says that he too, feels that same emptiness and void I feel, but due to the fact that he believes our dream will be granted, he’s not as upset as I am. OK, I know he’s cum only about 8 times since last July, but he’s done so 10 days after my period, 12 days after it, 14 days after it, 15 days after it, 16 days after it, and about 18 days after it that I know of. One of these should have hit it right. I know something’s wrong. I asked him if he thought that maybe I could be one of those women who just never ovulate and he said no, cuz that’s just so unusual. Then all the more likely this is for me since being unusual is the highlight of my life.

So, this is the deal we made, which I also told Andy. In March I’ll be going for a PAP and at that time I’ll casually mention we’ve been trying for several months and haven’t hit it right and see if they’ve got any suggestions for us. I’m sure, though, that they’re not gonna suggest anything we haven’t already heard of. If we ever stood a chance in hell, he’d need to cum 5-7 days in a row during that time frame and I told him I just can’t see him doing this. He says, though, that his amount of cumming will increase and that he’ll eventually be getting off every time we have sex, then he reminded me I also could never see him ever cumming or us getting him on top. True, and I hope I’m dead wrong and that he’s totally right when he says that for March we’ll need to turn around and make me an appointment with an OB.

Anyway, he and I agreed to do whatever we need to. He’s willing to get tested, go through in vitro, etc. However, I still say you can’t fight fate and that not us, nor any doctor, nor God could ever help us to get this child that just isn’t meant to be. Yes, I fear punishment from God for rebelling against what he’s set my fate out to be, but I guess that at this point, like I told Tom and Andy, I’d rather take whatever punishments God’s gonna dish out to me cuz he can’t punish me any further than he already has. I still know, though, that this void will never be filled. I’ll always live with this empty, incomplete, cheated feeling.

Andy’s glad we’re gonna be going to a doctor and he says that it’s not that he doesn’t believe what I have to say as far as my 6th sense, my woman’s intuition, and the DES, but that he’ll really believe whatever a doctor has to say. He reminded me about his sister Linda who needed in vitro. But Linda’s not a DES daughter. See, I think that the problem with DES daughters isn’t that the egg can’t be fertilized, it’s that the tissue lining the cervix and uterus is so inflamed, that the embryo can’t get a grip on the wall of the uterus.

Andy asked me how I can be sure that Tom isn’t shooting blanks. Cuz if he was, God couldn’t have used him to tease me with that spot attack last August. I know he’s fine.

Andy said that even if a doctor told me yes, I’m sterile, that should help to really finalize it in my mind so I can move on. Yeah, I suppose, but in my mind, it’s already final enough. I fully believe 1997 will definitely be the year that this thing fully plays itself out. A miracle is either gonna happen and I’ll be proven more wrong than I ever was before, or a doctor will confirm my worst beliefs and fears.

I really believe the doctor will be telling us he’s fine and that there’s nothing he can do for me, so we should look into adoption. Andy said I should adopt a black baby since I’m not prejudiced and since there are so many out there who need homes and that God would love me doubly for it. First of all, God never has and never will love me 1 ounce and adoption is fine, but it’s not for me. If I can’t have my own - forget it.

I’ll have to choose between the two choices I’ve always had and will only always have - do I work doing some loser job, or do I just stay the way I am and clean the house and do my hobbies? Tom and I also agreed that come March, I’ll decide this.

Why should I settle, though, and live the life God wants me to live? I swear this body doesn’t belong to me. It’s God’s body. Everything of mine is his. His body, his mind, his life. Nothing’s up to me. Nothing belongs to me.

Anyway, Andy was a really good listener last night. I certainly didn’t want to wake Tom up with his cold, which is coming to an end now (it’s a miracle that I didn’t catch his cold!). Andy offered to treat me to Denny’s, but he got tied up at Quinn’s place. This worked out well, though, cuz I was just too drained physically, cuz my emotions just totally exhausted me. I ended up sleeping 12 hours, which I really needed. Especially since I had only slept 6-7 hours the previous two nights.

Got another letter from Marla who said she understood being sterile is personal and she doesn’t mean to pry or hurt me. I told her, though, that there’s nothing I haven’t been asked or heard, so she can ask me anything she wants to, and I told her the scoop on the DES and our plans for March. I also told Tammy, too.

Just got done brushing my teeth and flossing them, too. After getting them all so clean, I want to keep up on them. Instead of just brushing them once daily, I want to brush them twice daily and floss them weekly. I’m also using the tooth whitener Kim sent eons ago.

I had some pretty serious pre-cramps for a minute there. Felt like my period was just 5 minutes away.

Tom’s cold has set in. Hopefully, he’ll be better soon.

I’m still doing well with my teeth.

The pre-cramps are back. I had a few today, a few 2 days ago and a lot 3 days ago. Well, this half-woman will surely be ragging soon enough. If I rag on Wednesday, that’ll push me further into phase 3. So, let’s see, phase 1, when he didn’t cum at all, lasted about 3 years. Phase 2, where he cums once or twice a month, lasted about 6 months. Phase 3, where I can see that I’m sterile by not conceiving, will last forever and I’ll be deeper into it with each passing year. I need to go as deep as I can go to continue to help get me through this and move on however I can and even if it does mean a new curse. Due to being totally sure I’m sterile, I do hope for my period on Wednesday, to push me deeper into that final phase.

Got another message from Marla. She says she’s paying for that trip to Hawaii with a cold. That’s something God would do - let someone win a trip, then compensate them with a cold.

Looks like they just went to bed next door. There were lights on about 10 minutes ago and I thought I heard him rummaging through his car, but now the lights are off. I hope they stay the way they have been and don’t turn up the music and throw a few parties from May to September like they did before.

Anyway, Marla didn’t have much to say. She did ask me how I could be fine after having wisdom teeth pulled. She said she had all 4 of hers yanked when she was 17 and that she suffered for months and that childbirth was easy compared to that. Really?! I thought nothing was more painful than childbirth. Well, it sounds like her wisdom teeth were impacted.

I began drawing a new round of envelopes for Jenny. I usually do 5 at a time.

Almost down to 4 more days left till I get my best friend who loves me sooo much and who’s ever so faithful and dependable. Even though I’d prefer to get it on Wednesday, I may get it early cuz physically I’m really, really PMSing. The fucking scale said 106 earlier cuz I’m so bloated. If I hit 110, I’ll starve myself.

Shall I pray to God for my period so I can feel loved by him? Nah, I know he really hates me. Also, there’s nothing to pray for. My periods are inevitable. Totally etched in stone.

Once again Tom contradicted himself. When I had that spot attack, he told me he’d have been a bit concerned if my period hadn’t been different in some way. Oh yeah? Well, this is news to me cuz I asked him earlier if he’d be worried if all my periods had been normal since he began getting off and his answer was no. Not at this point.

Trust me - 10 years from now, he’ll still say everything’s fine - we just haven’t hit it right yet.

On January 1st, I’m gonna begin working out again, and am gonna stick to it no matter how boring it is.

Those wisdom teeth are gone! Finally. They can’t bug me anymore every month or so like they had been for the last two years or so. Anyway, I ended up needing no sedation at all. No laughing gas or IV sedation. Just the Novocain. I was first brought into a room where this lady cleaned my teeth. What a difference! They look and feel so much better and they can actually be flossed now without getting hung up on built-up gunk. She didn’t use the ultrasonic machine, cuz she didn’t think I needed it. She hand-scaled the teeth with that pick they use. Then she polished them, then flossed them.

Then I was moved to another room for the extractions. It wasn’t like when I had the first two pulled, but at least it wasn’t painful. He just had to apply a lot of pressure, cuz they were a little crooked, unlike the others.

In East Longmeadow, the dentist who pulled my teeth did it in about 5 minutes. She just did 3 quick shots of Novocain and then it only took her 3 seconds to pull one tooth, then another 3 seconds to pull the other tooth, but this was different. He first swabbed on some numbing stuff that’s like Anbesol. Then he did give me 3 different Novocain shots, but he held the Novocain gun in position for several minutes after he did each shot. Then he left the room for about 10 minutes to let it get working. This is also something new to me.

Then it came time to pull them and they were much more stubborn than the last two. Once again, the pressure was more uncomfortable, but I couldn’t feel it. It took about 40 seconds for the top one to go, then about two minutes for the bottom one to go.

Then I bit down on some gauze, but it quickly stopped bleeding. After barely an hour, it stopped oozing blood.

I saw the teeth too, and I didn’t know they were as big as they were. I could see all the grayish ugly decay that was on one of them.

So, Tom was really proud of me, and Andy couldn’t believe I just had Novocain. He needed Valium and laughing gas.

Shortly after we got home, the numbness wore off and it was a bit achy, so I took some Ibuprofen, but I’m sure I won’t need the prescription Tylenol he gave me at all. Then after a couple of hours after being home, I felt as good as new, as I do now. If I didn’t know any better, I wouldn’t know I had teeth pulled today. Guess that after breaking a bone and having my head drilled, it makes things like this pretty tolerable, but I still couldn’t have a kid naturally. I’d either go into shock or go crazy, but Tom disagrees. He thinks I’d say that it wasn’t as bad as I thought it’d be. I don’t see how, though. Also, if I knew I was gonna break my arm again and couldn’t do anything to stop it, I’d be scared shitless.

Tom was so good at helping me out. He got me a milkshake and some cheesecake when he stopped at Jack-n-the-Box after bringing me home. He also said that the waiting was a breeze after having to wait for me for 5 hours when my head was rearranged.

Tom said, “I know this may sound selfish, but better you than me since you’re a toughie.” He said he’d no doubt need IV sedation. I let him know, though, that if he ever needed his teeth yanked, I’d be there to hold his hand.

We called my parents and let them know everything went well. Ma said I should’ve brought them home for the tooth fairy.

They won’t be calling on New Year’s Eve cuz they won’t be there, but we’ll talk again next year.

Now I have some weird news. I’m gonna get my period, cuz that’s logic, but the weird part is that I’ve had no pre-cramps today and my tits feel better. Usually, it builds up, then the day before your period, it eases up. I wonder if this means I’ll get my period tomorrow. That’d be 5 days early, though.

Tom just thinks it’s only a matter of us hitting it right and that if he got off in me when I was ovulating, I’d probably be pregnant.

I just remembered something Kim told me. I had asked her if a woman gets laid 14 days after her period, wouldn’t she be pregnant? Kim said, yes, if she’s on a 28-day cycle. In other words, if I get my period on the 18th, that’d be really bad and that’d really prove my belief right all the more, cuz that’d be a 28-day cycle.

I just wish God would give Tom and I a break! We really do deserve it with all the shit we’ve been through since we’ve known each other, let alone all our lives.

Anyway, he and I checked out those games I downloaded and most of them are so cool. Tom showed me how to unzip, unpack and install them. He even likes some of them, too. A lot of them have really nice graphics and colors and one of them has really pretty music to it. I got lots of dice games, card games, shapes games and puzzle games.

I went on AOL an hour ago and on my buddy list, which tells you if anyone on your list is currently online, I saw that Alex was online. I sent him an instant message and he sent one back. After sending each other a few messages, we said goodbye and went back to doing what we were doing.

I also got a reply from Marla, which I read to Andy, as she asked me to. She and her husband won a contest for a trip to Hawaii. Lucky them! Other than that, she has a cold, just like Tom does, but Tom’s always got something going on with him when there’s something going on with me. Anyway, she told me about going snorkeling in Hawaii and just stuff like that. It was nice hearing from her for once.

Awesome! I went to AOL to see if I could find some interesting games. I like games that are fairly simple, yet fun and challenging enough without lots of detail in their graphics. So I went to the kid’s games and found tons of neat stuff. It all takes just over an hour to download. Can’t wait till Tom can unzip and unpack them, cuz this is something I don’t know how to do. I do know how to delete games that I don’t like, though.

Kim called last night and I got an email from Alex. Both say they’ve got tons of snow. Of course, I rubbed into them how beautiful it’s been here at nearly 80º.

I’ll probably get a letter from Kim today. She can’t type me any letters yet. Her mom gave her an ancient computer and soon she’ll get her ancient printer.

No pre-cramps yet today, but I had them yesterday and then, even more, the day before. Still I’m 1000% sure to get my period in about a week.

After the first of the year, I’m gonna get all the birthday cards I’ll need for January - February. Those will be for Larry, Lisa, Jenny, Sandy and Andy.

Later...

I finally finished my proofreading project. Now Tom can make backups again.

No mail from Kim, but I got a Chanukah card from Larry and his family.

Once again, I’m as sterile as I always knew I’d be. For the last two days, I’ve felt pre-cramps and you know you can’t have one without the other. Meaning, pre-cramps and periods go hand in hand. It’d be like trying to have feet without legs. The good side to having those inevitable monthly rages is that in 8 days I’ll get some tit relief. They’ve been very sore.

Once again, Tom’s in denial, telling me we can never know when I ovulate, everything’s fine and we’ll have a kid someday. Is he that blind to reality, or does he really just not want to deal with it?

Now that God’s graduated me to the final step after so long, it’s time for me to start seriously thinking about what to do with my life. It’s obvious I don’t have a destiny, cuz while God kept a child from me, he hasn’t led me into anything else. I have no idea what he wants me to do or what I’m supposed to do. Guess I’m still meant to do nothing and to just keep things the way they are, cuz I still don’t want to settle, either. Most people, like Tom and Andy, may have no choice, but if staying home means not doing something my heart isn’t into, then I’m sure that’s what I’ll always do.

I did a little bit of ‘roof picking’ from the yard and some more proofreading. I only have about 8 left to go.

It’s actually kind of hot out there today.

I think the freeloaders haven’t been home today or yesterday. Someone’s been there daily, cuz I see lights on, but it seems that for the last few weeks, the asshole’s been gone Monday - Wednesday. If so, I hope this continues. They’ve really been great since around Labor Day.

I cleaned like hell yesterday, so for now, I think I’ll go read and do some word puzzles.

Later...

Yup, the time has surely come to be compensated for those wonderful few days and to be slapped back into reality. I’m so mad right now! All I want to do is sit here and bash God right now. I hate him sooo much! In fact, I’m so mad right now, that I can’t even concentrate.

Later...

Tom managed to cheer me up, even though we still believe differently about a kid in our lives and about God.

Tom also took the blinds down from outside the living room window. Then he fixed its inner blinds which were half off the rod. Afterward, I put tinfoil in the window. So now all the windows are foiled, except for the back room.

I also tried out a game I downloaded from AOL, but it sucked. Too much like a math project.

Wow! I got a reply from John Saul and he gave me his website info. I called Tammy and told her about it and I’ll mention it to my folks in my next letter to them.

I checked out his website, which was nice.

Also, we were curious and looked to see if there were any Ronstadt or Estefan members. There was an Evelyn Estefan in Miami, whoever the hell that is. Also, Linda’s niece Melinda and her brother Mike, both in Tucson, are members.

The backyard looks great. Going out for a ciggie now.

Later...

What a gorgeous day it’s been. It nearly hit 80º. It’s been nice and quiet, too.

My search of the Internet for anything on Norah (Jenny Seagrove) turned up nothing. Guess Tom and I will have to search together, but it’ll be more fun that way.

Tom’s been off to a wonderful start on his Chanukah present to me. Yesterday was a really fun and productive day.

He managed to scrape off the sticker that was on the back of this book. I wish they’d quit putting stickers on journals.

The only other thing I’d like Tom to do is to take the blinds down from outside the living room window. The last of the monsoons really tore them up and half of the blinds are scattered all over the front patio.

Now this pen’s dying. He may be bringing me home a new one, or else I’ll just have to ballpoint it. He’s at his ma’s now and he’s pretty sure she’ll pay him for helping her out. She can drive herself to work, but she needs help getting new curtains.

There goes those fucking dogs. I swear if I didn’t know any better I’d say they were in our yard and not two yards away.

Later...

Got a new pen. Just in time, too.

Tom’s home now and we just got done discussing plans for the pig and bun’s new cage. Rather than having one that’s 4’ x 4’, we’re gonna make it 8’ x 2’.

Tom’s out getting groceries but will be back soon.

The last few days sure have been wonderful and surprising. I just hope to hell I’m not in for any killer compensation. Getting my period on the 18th should be enough. It’d be nice if it were the other way around, though. This should be my compensation for all the tough times I’ve had! (having this lucky spell).

We’re gonna screw when he gets back. I wonder if he’ll cum. It seems too soon, though, and I figure he won’t cum till right before my period. Hope I can eat my words, though. I seem to be doing that a lot lately. I’m on an “eat my words” streak.

If I get a journal as a gift from someone, I don’t care if they’re ugly or duplicates, but no, I wouldn’t have picked the 4 my parents sent me. Instead of describing them as old or ugly looking, I’d describe this one as cute and the next 3 as different and interesting, cuz they’re from someone else.

Later...

I don’t have that much to write now, cuz soon we’ll be screwing.

I still don’t see why he has to always make “pre-sex duties.” He says he does it so he doesn’t have to worry about feeling like he has to take a dump during sex, but I still wonder about it. How can you time when you’re gonna take a dump, anyway? You can’t make yourself shit if you don’t have to.

Now that we can stay on AOL as long as we want, we did some interesting research, but I’ll get into it later.

Later...

Well, no eating my words about the last thing I wrote about. He didn’t cum. He will, though, in about a week.

We just ate some of the pies he made. One vanilla one and one chocolate one. We had some of the vanilla one, but it tasted like butterscotch. It was still really good.

Right now he’s watching some TV while I write. Later we’ll do some yard work. He’s gonna hammer up the last piece of wood over a portion of the patio with which he had run out of wood to cover. He’s also gonna cut a notch in it for the flag to go through. We’re gonna fix the flag with the flag unfurler (is that even a word?) that my folks sent and he’s also gonna edge, trim the hedges and clean up the patio a bit. Then, I’ll continue on with picking up shit from out there every so often.

My weight has still been the same as it has been since around last August. That’s another way I know that nothing hooked, cuz by now I’d have a few extra pounds of water on me. I also don’t “sense” or feel anything different about my body. The only weird experience was the day my nipples burned, but it hasn’t happened again since.

What did we do on AOL? Well, we were finally able to find out that that song of Linda’s called Dreams to Dream is from a soundtrack called An American Tail: Fievel Goes West. I was also shocked to see that she’s been on 108 albums. That many?! These extra songs I didn’t know about, though, are either from soundtracks or her doing backup on other people’s albums.

We also checked into information about John Saul and found that quite a few people had comments to make about him. Even more shocking, he has his own email address. It’s gotta be him, cuz he said he used the name John Saul, lives in Seattle, was born in 42, and lists his occupation as a writer.

In fact, I’m gonna go leave him a message now, and one for Marla, too.

Later...

OK, I just left Marla a message, but I’m pretty sure I won’t hear back from her. She’s too busy. In fact, I don’t see how any mom could have the time to play around on a computer.

I also left John a message. I told him I wasn’t sure if he was the one who wrote all those great books, but that he’s a fantastic writer, anyway. I also asked him about the set of 6 books I hear he’s supposed to be putting out. I told him that my husband basically reads computer books, but that I was gonna convince him to read his books one of these days. From what I’ve heard, Black Lightning, his latest book that I haven’t read yet, is a bore. I hope not, but there were about 3 other books of his that were sort of a bore.

I wonder if he’ll reply to my message, but I doubt it. He’s probably a very busy person. Hopefully, I’ll hear from his fan club soon.

Tom also created what’s called a buddy list. That tells you if any of the people you have in your address book come online while you’re online, like Tammy or Alex.

Tom’s out fixing up the last touches to the roof over the patio.

Earlier, we also ordered another CD for me for just $2. This is from Columbia House. That fucked up record club we’re in. You can order from this shady club on AOL. I got another old Linda CD.

Yesterday I chatted with Larry, Tammy, and my folks and that was nice.

Tammy says they got a huge snowstorm and naturally, I burst out laughing. She said driving was miserable and that there were tons of accidents. Well, the accidents are no laughing matter, but it sure sounds like they got much more than just a dusting of snow. I told her to be careful driving. She wouldn’t want to be killed and not be around to hear my laugh she loves so much. She was like, yeah right! So, I let her know how nice it is here. It’s a lot nicer than it was a couple of days ago.

When I talked to Larry, his son was there, too. I started off by saying I’d heard about the snowstorm and burst out laughing. Then he kept upping the amount of snow and cold to get me to laugh more and he said they were gonna get 6 feet of snow by the weekend.

Larry also read me the funniest Christmas poem, but I can’t remember it. I told him to type it up for me and send me a copy of that and some other poem, but I know he won’t. It was so funny, too. It was dirty with all kinds of swears. All I remember is something about Ma being a whore, Dad smoking grass and in a Christmas sock, a big rubber dick for his brother who’s queer, and Santa blowing up the chimney with one great fart that ripped the chimney apart.

I talked to his son briefly, too. He’s lucky, cuz he says he loves the snow.

I don’t know if Tammy got her mugs yet due to the snow, but Mom and Dad did and they love them. I called them again, cuz I just had to thank them for my journals. I was flying for quite a while after receiving them.

They say Tom’s got a Christmas present coming.

They also had a picture frame that matched two of the journals (the ones with stamps). She said to leave it blank and that there’s a reason for it, so obviously she’s sending some picture for it.

Also, I told her I had tried to reach Marty and Ruth and she said I could send them a Chanukah card, but that they acknowledged my letter and know I made a "mistake” in my “accusation” towards them. In other words - don’t call, cuz they still don’t want to know me and they’re still hung up on our past problems.

Fine with me.

Later...

Just got a hold of Tammy, who got the mugs and said never to write their address on boxes with markers again, cuz the snow washed part of it off. Also, she says I looked awful and Tom looked fine. I don’t know if she was joking about my looking awful, but I wouldn’t be surprised if she were serious, cuz I really did look awful. Just about every picture I’ve ever taken looks shitty. So, I told her we were microwave and dishwasher safe, so not to worry about zapping us or throwing us in the dishwasher.

We didn’t talk long, cuz she was doing paperwork. One of her patients is almost out the door, but that’s her job; to deal with people dying of cancer. I know she can relate to these people after Bill went through his ordeal, but I’d think she wouldn’t want to be reminded of cancer patients and see what they go through, after dealing with what Bill’s gone through. Hasn’t she had enough of the subject?

Later...

We just put the new stuff on the flag to make it pivot and not get all wrapped up and got the flag up. It looks nice. I’ve got one up there now with white flowers on a pink background.

Gotta go check the mail.

I have so very, very much to write about. I hope to hell I can remember everything cuz the last couple of days have been the best in so very long. God, I needed this break! And I needed this string of great luck!

The night before last, Andy sang me the funny farm song and a few clips from other songs. He even wrote a love song about Quinn that he sang on his machine. He played that for me and it was so well written, as usual.

The happiest part of my birthday was when Tom came. I couldn’t believe it! Boy, was ever wrong for the better, huh? I know what this means, though. It’s time for phase 3. That final step. It’ll be a miracle if God changed his mind and allowed me to get pregnant now and that would be the ultimate way for me to really eat my words, but I know better. I don’t see my period on the 18th and I haven’t had any dreams about it, but I’m sure that I’ll sense my period stronger as we get closer to the 18th. How I wish I could be dead wrong yet again in the greatest way ever! Stop it Mystery, don’t dream too much!

Still, it was so nice to get both second-best birthday wishes and first-best birthday wishes granted. I thought that if I got really damn lucky, he’d screw me without getting off, during one of the prime conception days. I never imagined we screw this much and that he’d get off, too. Today we’re building up for some more fun tomorrow. He’ll break another record if he cums tomorrow, cuz he usually only cums once every couple of weeks.

The feeling I had yesterday, and even today, is just wonderful. It’s so great to feel like such a winner who’s having everything work out great and not be blinded by feelings of anger, sadness, and frustration. I needed this change so bad. I was so overdue for it. I hope God really will have a change of heart and let me move on. He’s “tested” me enough.

Also, there’s no more room in my mind for doubting Tom. There’s no way he’d have cum yesterday if he really wanted to stall the kid and remember, he thinks I’m perfectly fine, as far as my plumbing goes.

Yes, I fear compensation for this wonderful spell, cuz that’s just how life works, but I hope that this great feeling lasts longer. It’s so great to once again feel like God may not hate me that much after all. Like I said, though, I’m not sure how he’s gonna end this baby quest thing. I could have a regular period, I could spot, I could get pregnant and lose it or I could suddenly need a hysterectomy. We’ll just have to wait and see which one happens, but I’m pretty sure I’ll just keep having regular periods. Tom said not to worry if I get a period, cuz we can’t know when I’m ovulating, so don’t give up. I’m sorry, though, but any woman who went through that “change” at my age and who doesn’t get pregnant at this time, is definitely sterile.

Anyway, when Tom left me a happy birthday message two nights ago, he said something about screwing up something. He went into his little room in back and pulled out two journals I already have that are the same as 99 and 111 (cats). That’s fine, though, and I wondered what was taking so long as far as someone getting me one I already had. I mean, I’ve been writing for just over 9 years, and have over 125 journals, so I figured that it’d have to happen anytime now. I could change the cover, but why bother? They’re nice covers.

I got another dupe journal from Andy, too, but I’ll get into that later.

So, Tom cleaned the printer with alcohol on the morning of the 4th and I used my pretty new paper to do letters up to my folks, Tammy & Bill, Lisa, Becky & Sarah, Kim and Andy. Soon, I’ll do one for Larry.

Also, my parents called yesterday and we really did have a very pleasant chat. Ma was a lot like Dad. She didn’t seem like the typical hostile bitch she is and like she wanted to hurry me off the phone. She was even joking along with Dad. She wasn’t that all too serious, impatient tyrant. They called at 8:30 AM our time, wished me a happy birthday, and asked how Tom and his mom were.

I asked how their store was doing and it’s picking up, I guess, due to the snowbirds coming in.

Goldie and Al aren’t going down there this year. They’re going to Hawaii. Lucky them! Boo and Max are coming down. They didn’t say a word about Marty and Ruth, so I guess they don’t want to bother with me.

Whatever.

I was gonna tell them about how Larry tells me it’s freezing there, no matter what time of year it is so I can give him my laugh, but they said they knew about it. He told them.

If it’s not personal, they can usually keep a secret so I told them we sent Chanukah checks to Tammy’s kids in the amounts of their ages and they thought that was a lovely idea. Ma then said that they got checks for $275 for their ages.

Ha, ha, ha.

Dad was on TV again the other night. A rerun of America’s Most Wanted.

They were joking about them getting old and how their kids were supposed to take care of them. I told them that when they end up in wheelchairs, I’ll take them back to Woodside Terrace and roll them down that hilly street, across Locust, and down into the Mill River.

Those were the highlights of our conversation and they say they want both Tom and I to call them around the New Year. We can call as late as 11 PM their time. Dad pretty much crashes at 11:00, but Ma’s up till midnight or 1 AM watching TV or reading.

This pretty much covers yesterday’s events.

When I got up last night, there was a package from my parents. They sent two checks that were each for $25 for both my birthday and Chanukah. A birthday and Chanukah card, too.

First of all, Tom said Tammy called last night. She wanted to wish me a happy birthday, but I had crashed already. She teased me and they talked about the computers for a bit. Also, she claims to have gotten me a card, but it came back to her cuz she forgot to put a stamp on it. Right! She never got a card. I know her and she does this every year. Lisa accidentally threw it out, or it got lost, or some excuse, but that’s OK.

Ma sent mostly household items. Why do they keep sending me perfume stuff? Don’t they listen? Better yet, don’t they know their own daughter’s got allergies?

Anyway, there were about 3 perfume candles and two candleholders. I kept one of the candleholders but gave the other one and the candles to Andy. He and Laura love that kind of stuff.

She also sent some little glass bottles I had no use for, so Andy took those, too.

She sent a little pen holder that I kept and two really pretty little tiny plant pots. They’ve got flowers painted on them.

She sent 5 T-shirts and I gave one to Andy. I have sooooooo many of them. So I went and gave Tom some old T-shirts to use for rags. The T-shirts she sent, though, were really nice.

Lastly, if I’ve remembered everything, she sent stuff for fixing the part of the flagpole I broke. The round cylinder that goes around the pole to make the flag pivot and not wrap around the pole like it’s been doing.

Tom says he’s gonna mow this weekend and then we can fix the flag. I hope! Then I’ll begin picking up stray materials over the yard that were from when he was doing the roof.

Also, when I got up, Tom had left a message saying that Bunny kicked the side of the cage out and was out in the back room. I really wanted to beat the shit out of that rabbit. Better yet, throw her out back, but Tom taped the side of the cage up really well. We also discussed building their new cage, once again, and it should be cheaper than we anticipated since we can use parts from this cage. I really want to get Bunny a bunny harness and we probably will be getting that in a couple of weeks, along with just two kitty mugs, since I’m stocked up on journals. We still need to use any money we get for Christmas presents for his family and my teeth.

Miraculously, once again, it doesn’t look like Bunny hurt anything.

Tom and Andy think Bunny may be a boy and Tom thinks Piggy may be a girl. Piggy’s a boy, I still think, but yes, Bunny could be a boy.

Last night at 2 AM, Andy came over. He and I had some coffee and some spag I made, while we exchanged stuff. As I knew he would, he loved the Halloween stuff Ma sent me. He didn’t really care for the pineapple flags any more than I did, so that and one of Laura’s shirts will be left in a bag by the mailbox that he’ll mail my NPNs from.

Laura had two shirts, a long pair of gray jeans and a white pair of shorts for me. Like I said, I didn’t like one of the shirts and that’ll be by the mailbox. One of them was OK. It was a flannel, long-sleeved shirt with tiny black numbers on a pink background. I was shocked that the shorts and the pants were too big on me, as he described Laura as Brenda - tall and bone thin. Tom could wear the shorts and if I get fatter, I could wear them. The pants, I can wear with a belt, but they’re awfully long and baggy.

So, what did Andy get me? A birthday card, which I’ll copy in what he wrote in it in a minute, a candy bar, and 3 journals. He wrote on one of the pages in one of the journals, too. The journal Andy got me that I already have is the one I’m currently in with the fairies and the stars and the bumpy purple-lined paper. So, now I’ve got 3 journals that I have two copies of. They’re all really nice and it’s nice to be stocked up on journals. I have 5 blanks after I finish this fairy one.

Tom wrote a page in one of the journals he got me, too. Here’s what Andy wrote in his birthday card to me:

Dear Jodi,

To my best friend in the whole wide world! I love you. I got your birth date right this year and I sang on key too and wrote a new song all within minutes. Totally inspired by having to sing They’re Coming To Take Me Away and wanting to sing it a new way, I came up with more magic. If not for you I would not have that new song. I would have just two words lying under the jellyfish in the sand. Bee’s learn how to use algebra while stinging people playing golf in Lexington, Kentucky but right now I’m in Pompano Beach, FLA on my imaginary tour.

Andy

When I got up, stickers were waiting for me. Tom got me these and musical note computer stationery. The notes go around the border. I hope I can get him to clean the printer, cuz when I use manual feed and not the tractor, it keeps going offline. He also made me a really nice cake and I got a $31 check from his mom.

Later...

Yes! Yes! Yes! Thank you, Tom, and thank you, God! I not only had not one bit of irritation this morning when we screwed, but he got off!!! I’m so psyched and so happy right now, but I’ll write more later. I’m getting kind of beat.

Sex this morning was fine. I felt a bit of irritation when he first went in there, but once he got moving, no problem. He didn’t get off, but I could tell he was really close. He said he wanted to, but just couldn’t get off and that he was frustrated. Do I believe him and that he didn’t fear getting me pregnant? Yes. He really seemed truly bummed, but we’re gonna be screwing again tomorrow. I don’t expect him to get off tomorrow and grant me my wish (I’ve wished for a month he’d get off on my birthday which is mid-cycle), but at least I was wrong about suspecting he wouldn’t touch me. Wouldn’t it still be just wonderful if he did get off tomorrow? Since I still don’t see how a miracle would happen if he did, I guess that’d mean entering that final step. However, I’m sure God’s not ready for me to enter that final step and I’ve got to remind myself not to get my hopes up of him cumming tomorrow, let alone a baby. I believe that God’s not done with me yet as far as this current step I’m on, though. I don’t think he’s done either punishing me or “testing” me, but oh how I wish I could know and see that I’ll be dead wrong! Please, God! For once, won’t you have a heart and let me move on? Let me have my dream and move on? Please don’t hold me back anymore!

I also hope that given the fact that Tom should be less worried about my irritation down there, pretty horny, and that we’re at the perfect angle for him to get off, he doesn’t consciously or subconsciously fear making a kid tomorrow, he should have no problem. I just hope to hell he isn’t teasing me by getting my hopes up, but I don’t think so. I think he honestly tried today and gave it his all, and I’m pretty sure he’ll do the same tomorrow.

I just hope and I wish – oh – stop it, Mystery! Remember what dreams are for and past patterns pertaining to your wishes and dreams and the fact that God still may very well hate you and have you under a curse or some kind of punishment.

Tom told me his opinion about the saying ‘God doesn’t give us any more than we can handle’. He thinks that’s just people’s way of encouraging others. You know, as if to say, go for it! That makes more sense, like I said, due to the fact that there have been plenty of suicide and homicide victims in this world.

I contemplated praying to God about tomorrow’s sex but opted not to. Why? Cuz if he really does get mad at me when I talk to him or ask him for something, I don’t want to egg him on. Also, fate is still fate, whether I pray or not and he already knows what’s gonna happen tomorrow. I can’t change his mind about what’ll happen tomorrow, either.

I talked to Andy last night and he said that tonight he’ll sing the funny farm song. My birthday song, more or less. He’ll also be over Thursday night.

Andy gave me Marla’s screen name over AOL. I could swear I’ve tried to find her over the membership list, but couldn’t, so Tom’s gonna help me on the 6th. As of the 6th, it’ll be unlimited service at a flat-rate fee. Andy also gave her my screen name.

Tom read what I wrote in my last entry.

Anyway, I’m gonna go do some cleaning, then I’m just gonna read and do puzzles.

Later...

Thanks, God. Now I can’t even watch TV while I’m eating popcorn or potato chips. I went to turn the TV on to an old rerun of Charlie’s Angels while I ate, but the reception was screwed up. Then I went to run through an old Norah tape of edits I’d made from different movies of hers and the tape got eaten up. Ironically, right before this, I didn’t pray to God for a kid, but I prayed for him to keep the irritation away cuz we wanted to have fun and try to make a kid tomorrow and this is what I get for it. This is no coincidence, either, and no one can convince me otherwise.

Why did I even bother? This is really all my fault. I should’ve known better and instead, I got what I asked for. Trouble. I hope I get compensated for this tomorrow, somehow, but I still feel quite certain of what tomorrow will bring - sex with no cumming. Not by him anyway. Oh, how I still wish I could end up wrong!

I think I’m gonna go do some singing in a while. Meanwhile, I wonder if my parents or anyone else will call tomorrow? If they do, though, they’re not gonna get me, cuz I’ll be asleep. I’ll tell Tom to tell anyone who may call that I’ve got a slight cold; no big deal, though.

I called Mom earlier. Tom’s mom, that is, and the people behind her dumped two more bunnies. One just like my bunny and a full-grown white one that’s about 4 pounds. I wouldn’t mind having the white one, but Bunny stinks enough, so we don’t need two bunnies stinking up the place.

Ma says she really likes the puzzles I gave her. She likes number puzzles and now that she’s got a lot of them, she won’t have to worry about running out of puzzles for a while.

I already know now, that yes, my suspicions of what Tom’s gonna do over the next 5 days will be correct. He’s already proven this to me and his actions are just way, way too obvious about what he’s doing. I got up last night at 10:30 and guess who was still up? He was in the bathroom which I kicked him out of cuz I had to go. Then he told me he was just on his way to bed. See? It’s like he was waiting for me. Waiting to show me how late he’s gonna be staying up so he can be all the more tired in the mornings. Yet what did he say to me yesterday afternoon? That he was going to bed fairly early. Is this the kind of man I really want to have a child with? Can he handle it any more than I could? I don’t think so. If he can contradict the things he says to me, he’s just gonna do the same to that child. If he can promise me time and time again that he’s gonna finish the back room and other projects we started, what’s he gonna promise the kid? Well, it’s obvious to me that the TV, the computer, and doing for others are more important to him than any plans we’ve made. This doesn’t help me with being more consistent with things myself and of course, I could go through the list of reasons why I would make a lousy mother, but I won’t. You already know them.

He’s just gotten way too obvious about the fact that he does not want a child. Once again, I wish he would just stick to his word and the deals we make and fully level with me. Why does he have to jerk me around like this? Does it really give him such a laugh? He’s not even gonna try and I’ll bet he’ll be up before 4 AM, too.

I did not like what I saw at all when I checked the horoscopes on AOL. Like I said, they seem to be right on when they get into all the negative stuff. They did contradict themselves, too, and make references to things working out and getting what’s wanted, but for the most part, both our readings were all about arguments, tension, and turmoil in the household, not much romance in the marriage and marriage threatened by unpleasant suspicions. Well, I certainly do have my unpleasant suspicions and they began 2½ hours before they were supposed to. Actually, they began 6 hours earlier than they were supposed to, but I should’ve known he’d be up. He’ll be up till 10:00 or 11:00 for the next 4 days or so. Even his horoscope said he’s gonna feel pressured and to not give in to it or try to fulfill impossible dreams in romance. See, anyone who’s so pressured by something they claim to want obviously doesn’t want it. I can smell the fear within him from a mile away. Well, he can rest assured, cuz once again, I don’t want to have a child with the way he is or with the way I am and the longer things stay the same, the harder it is for me to handle changes, anyway.

Now’s my chance to go along with God and maybe get some respect from him. I wonder if I should tell him when he gets up that I don’t want to have sex over the next few days and beat him to it. I’ll tell him I’ll explain this in January. He told me in January I could strike any deal I wanted with him and he’ll stick to it no matter what. Right! He couldn’t stick to anything anymore than I could. In January, I’d tell him just what I’ve written. I don’t know what to do for sure. A part of me says to not jump the gun and to just play it by ear, but I already know what’s gonna happen over the next 5 days - nothing. Why wait and see what happens when I’ve already seen it and will continue to see it?

Besides, like I said and like I know, I’m sterile, anyway. And also, dreams are dreams. Dreams are for dreaming and not for reality. If dreams were for reality, no one would have any dreams.

I just don’t know what to do or say for sure. Asking God’s useless, cuz there’s no getting help from him, that’s for sure. He and Tom already have their minds made up for me and my fate is sealed.

I wonder what Tom would do if I was all over him this morning. Let me guess - he’d say he was too tired, but if he did screw me, he’d never get off.

I told Tom before Thanksgiving that I didn’t look forward to going cuz I knew I’d be bored shitless. The night before I wasn’t feeling good at all emotionally and physically and had been up 20 hours. He said that cuz I didn’t want to go, my body was making excuses. That’s just what his body and mind are doing right now.

How much do you want to bet, though, that if I told him what I just wrote, he’d deny it and say I was being cruel and that I was all wrong and turn it into an attack on me? Well, of course he’s gonna say that. Did I ever expect he’d come out and tell me, “Yes, you’re right? I stalled it all I could, due to still believing you’re fertile, but not wanting to deal with the possibility with you that you’re right about being sterile. Also, I do like to tease you and I do like to instill patience in you and try to control and change you. Also, I’m not sure I really want a kid all that bad. I had just been too afraid to tell you all this for fear that you’d leave me.”

The bottom line is this, I can’t help being angry at Tom and God. It’s the principle of the point. Even though I know I’m sterile, it still really pisses me off to see what they’re doing. It’s mean, it’s unfair and it’s depressing. I don’t want to pressure Tom into doing stuff he doesn’t want to do, but he makes it awfully hard for me when he won’t fully level with me and stick to his story or whatever he decides. Still, I have to try my hardest, harder than ever, to keep in mind that I’m sterile and just let God and Tom do their thing and not give in to it or let it get to me. This is gonna be a very hard task that I don’t know if I can ever do, but I’ve got to try.

I think what I’ll do is this. When he comes out staggering and moaning about how tired he is, that’s when I’ll tell him I don’t want to screw till after the 6th, and that I’ll explain how I feel after the first of the year.

Later...

I hate it when doctors’ offices call to reschedule appointments, cuz it’s not always easy for Tom to get me to them. We had to cancel Nielsen and bump him up to January 9th. This is cuz it’d be easier for Tom and there’s no way I could be there with the way my schedule is now. I just hope to hell I can make it to the dentist. These wisdom teeth have got to go.

Tom and I had a very nice chat this morning that really helped to clarify a lot of things in my mind and that helped make me feel much better. First of all, when he got up, it seemed like he was yawning big time and as I said before, I figured he was tired and wanted to be so it’d be impossible or hard to screw. So, I asked if we could lie down together at around 5:30, figuring that’d be enough time for him to digest. I thought then when I asked him this, there was a bit of reluctance in his voice, but he said yes. When we were lying down together, I felt tempted to tell him that I felt guilty and like I was pressuring him or making him feel uncomfortable. That’s the last thing I want the poor guy to have to feel. He said he was OK, though, so we got on with playing.

As I’ve mentioned before, I sometimes get irritation right around the opening, but it’s never prevented me from screwing before. Usually, I’m just somewhat aware of it as he first goes inside there, but once he starts moving, it’s fine. This time, though, it was pretty darn irritated from the get-go. I was gonna stop him a few different times, but then it got really uncomfortable, so then I stopped him. I was just really horny, needed to get off as I did, and didn’t want to deprive him. However, as the irritation escalated, he didn’t seem like he was into it, anyway. Panic gripped me right away after we got up. I really felt like it was God adding insult to injury (hurting me for having unprotected sex and not “obeying” him, even though I’m sterile. Also, cuz the birthday I wasn’t supposed to have is coming up). This is how I felt. Then, I let it all out about all I’d written earlier and he explained how and why I jumped the gun and he got me to see things I never saw on my own. For starters, he told me that due to my being wound up all night, that’s why the irritation was worse. I never would’ve thought of that as a reason if he didn’t point it out and he said I don’t have to wait a couple of weeks before we screw again.

At that moment, I also swore we’d always use rubbers cuz of the way I felt both he and God were either out to get me or had more on their minds about the idea of a kid than met my eye. Tom swears, though, that he isn’t trying to stall the kid, isn’t trying to change or control me before making the kid, and that the number of times we screw and screw with him getting off will increase.

He also explained to me that he wasn’t tired, he was into it, the sex was fine, and would’ve initiated sex if I hadn’t. He said that the reason he stood up last night was that he was caught up on his sleep and planned to go to bed earlier tonight, so he’d be up earlier on Tuesday. I told him I understood Tuesdays were out of the question and he said that’s not necessarily the case. That’s cool.

He told me that last night he was working on getting things done around here at a time when he felt awake enough and that there wouldn’t be any distractions. I guess he is really making more of an effort than I realized and gave him credit for, as far as getting stuff done around here and projects for us. I guess in a lot of ways, he really is more consistent than me. I couldn’t hold a job like he can.

I have mixed emotions about jumping the gun and being wrong like I was. I was wrong in a good kind of way, cuz I certainly wouldn’t want to be right about a bad feeling I had, but I feel bad about it all the same. I tried to think in my mind of ways in which it would appear in my mind that I was dead wrong. I thought of the shakes he’s been taking. I know they give him more energy, so I tried to ask myself if maybe that’s why he was awake. I think, though, from what he told me, he’s taking the shakes to have the energy for us to do stuff we like and want to do. He also likes the taste of those shakes.

Instead of getting mad at me and making us both feel worse, he really opened my eyes and made me feel better. I hope I didn’t hurt him, cuz that’s the last thing I’d ever want to do, no matter what I felt about him, and no matter if I was wrong or right. He said not to worry, things are still progressing nicely, and that we all jump the gun here and there. He's even jumped the gun on me, he told me. He said that when we were going to the dentist, he thought I’d get all worked up over it and assume the worst, but I didn’t.

I still feel, though, almost like I’ve got to be this whole different person, with a whole different set of beliefs and attitudes in order for us to have a chance at achieving our dreams. I just wish I had his attitudes, beliefs, and way of thinking. I wish I wouldn’t feel like I was gonna freak out and like it was the end of the world every other day. He says he understands, though, and is trying to make this a good week. I want it to be. I want us to be as happy as we can as often as we can. I don’t want to keep feeling like our sex lives, sex parts or reproduction parts are hexed, and that God hates me. I think Tom knows that even if said every day that I wanted to use rubbers, no matter what mood I was in, I don’t really want to do that anymore than I want to be a lawyer. I said that, though, out of fear and panic. I felt that if I didn’t, God would do something else to me or us that could be much worse than before. Tom says, though, we don’t have to use rubbers. I think he knows, too, that no matter what I say, I do want a kid, I think he does, too (more than I realize at times) and I think we both also know, that we wouldn’t quit on the kid or stall on taking care of it, just cuz I may stall on exercising and he may stall on the back room, yard or whatever. I think we both know that the more something’s important, the more we have to deal with it and keep up on it. I know, for example, that he’d never stall on getting my meds, just cuz he felt like watching TV or playing on the computer. If we put off stuff like that, then we could worry about ourselves.

I just hope from now on that I won’t get these paranoid feelings about Tom or God and that they’ll lessen, but I know I can talk to Tom as soon as they come on. And better yet I hope that our sex lives will increase in both frequency and juice volume and even better yet, I hope it produces a kid. I have my fears about a kid. We all do, and mine are just as normal as anyone else’s. However, I still want it and I still think that while it may ruin most couples, it’ll help Tom and I both together and as individuals probably more than we ever thought. I don’t know how I’d get on schedule, but if Tom says I will, I have to try to give him the benefit of the doubt, cuz he’s been right before on things I doubted would or could work out.

I also hope that I can adopt more of a wait-and-see-what-really-happens attitude. Maybe if I remind myself more often of how I swore I’d never get out here, get married, or that he’d cum, it’ll help wean me over to a maybe I can get pregnant after all kind of attitude. I hope so, but I hope even more so that it happens, cuz then I’d have no choice but to believe it. Then I could move on to fearing a miscarriage, but at least I’ll have moved on and at least I’ll be pregnant and know I can conceive.

I finally got the 21 puzzle books I ordered a long time ago. Great deal for only $14. I went through them all and picked out the ones I don’t want for Ma. Also, there’s an all-number-find one I’m gonna give me and a soap opera one for Andy.

I’m gonna have a lot of stuff for Andy. When I see him soon, I’ll give him a show I taped for him and my nearly 30 NPNs to mail out. I’ll show him new journals and mugs, as well as Bunny, of course. I’ll show him the upside-down mug, too. For his birthday, I’ll give him all that Halloween stuff from my folks, the soap puzzle book, and the journal.

I took down my “self-improvement” list from the bathroom. I don’t want Andy to see it and I have it in my journal, anyway.

Got most of the laundry done and the grocery list made up. Now I’ll back up to yesterday morning.

Tom got up at 6:30 and didn’t touch me, as I figured. Before he went to bed at 9:00 last night, he did say something about how he wanted to catch up on his sleep, but we’ll see, like I said, how serious he is about that and what he has in mind.

I was very tired but managed to drag my ass outa here, nonetheless. We went to see Carol and Steven before they left for California. I’m glad I got to see them. Matthew’s really grown since I last saw him. It was nice to see Ma, too.

We also stopped at an auto parts store, cuz Tom needed something for the car.

We agreed I’d get two journals and a kitty mug for now, but we didn’t go to any bookstores yet. We did go to Pet Smart and I got my first mug with a puppy and a kitty on it. It’s really cute and has lots of detail in it, too. They’re sitting in a wicker basket with a blue/white checkered cloth. There are also green and red apples with jars of jam. It’s taken against a window, so you can see the trees in the background just outside the window. The only thing about it that’s not too cool is the way it’s centered. The dog and cat are in the middle of the mug, more or less, so when you’re holding it, you see a part of the basket and mainly the fruits.

Tom brought up examples of what he calls cranky. Well, Lisa called and wanted to sing me a song. She does sing better than most people. Especially for her age, but hit a lot of notes off-key, to my surprise. I told Tom this. Then I asked him why a certain picture on the computer of Gloria seemed long. He calls this cranky? How can expressing an opinion and asking a question be called cranky? He says it’s in the tone of voice. Well, then I guess every word I say must sound cranky to him, cuz I talk louder and more aggressively than some people. Especially him. So, that’s when I broke down and asked him why his story about the job changed since we were on the subject of explaining things to each other so we could better understand each other. I forgot what he said about it, but it did make perfect sense. Something about the job becoming more spontaneous to him so we’d spontaneously have sex more often and, therefore, not have to worry about hitting it right. I asked him if wanted to pick up on the job again, or just have sex whenever, and he said it was too complex of an issue to get into at that time. Personally, I’m still sick of the whole thing and I don’t care what we do or what happens. I just want to get on with life and get out of past ruts that are too old and that have bad emotions that go with them.

Later...

It’s been nice and quiet around here, except for the constant intrusion of those two dogs.

Tom’s gone now to drive his mom to church, then to go to the racetrack.

We screwed earlier, but he didn’t get off. Remember, he believes I can get pregnant, so maybe my approaching this time frame either consciously or subconsciously got him a bit nervous. Tomorrow will begin his 5-day test to see if he’s more serious than I thought, or does appear to be stalling. My guess is there’ll be a 50/50 chance we’ll screw over the next 5 days and a 0% chance he’ll cum over the next 5 days. What a wonderful birthday gift it’d be if he came on my birthday! I know better, though, cuz I want him to bad enough. If he did, though, that’d mean entering that final phase. He’d deny it, though, and say we just didn’t hit it right. Or maybe I’d have another two weeks of spots. I wish so bad that he’d cum on the 3rd, 4th & 5th! He could never cum 3 days in a row, though. He can’t even do it two days in a row. It seems he only does it once every two weeks. He did mention something about going to bed fairly early, but I don’t know. I still say he’s gonna be hurting and awfully tired starting tomorrow. Having sex on Tuesdays is out of the question, though, cuz that’s the day he gets up really early and works long hours.