Today’s cloudy, damp and cool. To need heat in the middle of June is insane! Never did we need heat at this time back east. How I wish I were at the beach there if only for an hour or two! Then I’d jump right back here to the state that’s almost as bad as the New England states.

At least this kind of weather keeps next door quiet. Yesterday I was headed in to pee when I heard the chick tell the guy, “You gotta wait for it to heat up,” which told me they were going to barbecue. So I shut the window to keep the smoke out and then they lit a firecracker. The kind that whistles for a few seconds and ends with a pop. Fortunately, it was just one.

Yesterday, however, was perfect for walking to and from the Black Bear Diner. We both got the special which was the sirloin steak. It was a little tough but nice for a change.

We had a little scare there for a minute when he started having an allergic reaction to the cucumbers in his salad. Fortunately, he only had a little bite because his throat started to swell shut. A little more might have suffocated the guy!

His coworker who lives nearby honked at us on the way down. Someone we couldn’t see honked on the way back and Tom jokingly said, “Someone you know?” 

I said, “Oh, sure. It’s my secret girlfriend that only comes around when you’re at work.” Sometimes I wish I had one for real, though it wouldn’t be worth the trouble she’d probably cause, and like I said before, I may still feel guilty even though Tom and I are just friends. And I’m not stupid either. I know no bed will magically change things. We had beds in Maricopa and that didn’t seem to make us want to get it on much.

Sure enough, not a damn thing from the queen in the mail. Not even an email message. This means that she could be waiting for his birthday to send something, though I highly doubt it. I’m almost positive she won’t send shit, but that’s okay. I will! We’re not as broke as we were last fall, so we can live without her cheap $25 anniversary check just fine. It’s worth it just to tell her off and get their blood boiling, and believe me, what I have to say will do just that! They’ll be fuming 10 times more than all the times they’ve pissed me off and offended me combined and I don’t care if God punishes me for it since it’s never okay for Jodi to anger people while it’s perfectly okay for others to piss off Jodi. They’ll hear from me just as soon as I hear from the publisher. If they by some miracle accept the manuscript, I’ll want to do a little bragging before I let them have it. They make me sick. They really do. I’m usually pretty good with reading people, though these are just about the last people I ever thought would turn out to be so selfish and uncompassionate. And I know they’re not failing to send anything because they lost the address since they do have our email addresses. If they cared enough to send anything but lost the address, they’d email us. They’re not sending anything because they don’t want to, but this doesn’t piss me off nearly as much as it did when they sat back on their pampered little asses while we were homeless and did absolutely nothing to help us but write to brag about their wonderful new purchases and accomplishments.

Later…

I have been quite depressed today, believe it or not, missing some things I never had that I once wanted, yet still grateful that I never did get them. I can’t believe I’m this bummed out over him after all these years. I haven’t talked to him since the last time I lived on Woodside Terrace in Springfield and that was around 1990. “His” name was Mike M. He was my music teacher in high school and I know he knew I liked him. I’m sure most of the girls did. I can’t believe I never wrote about that final talk we had when I called him 15 years ago. I checked my New England journal and couldn’t find any mention of his name, so maybe I called him the first time I lived on Woodside which was before I began a journal. I mentioned sending him the wacky letter I sent 5 years ago in the Maricopa journal, though. I see that I was pretty vague about him in my autobiography, so I’ll now do up a detailed entry of Mr. Michael M, the one and only man I truly desired. I hate to say it, but not even my initial attraction for Tom, which quickly wore off, came even close to the magnitude of my crush on Mike.

I was only in the real high school for the last part of my freshman year and the first part of my sophomore year, so I didn’t know him for long. Mike was 25 at the time I met him and I was 15. He was the masculine version of Kate Jackson, probably the biggest female crush I’ve ever had, LOL! He was tall, dark and handsome in every sense of the word. He married a student named Daryl who was a year older than me. I never met her, so I couldn’t even say what she looks like. Today Mike would be 49 years old.

I think I dreamt about him the other night and that’s what may’ve triggered these memories of him, not that I ever did forget him. It’s so weird. Here I am jealous of a woman I never met. She got the man I once wanted. She got the child I once wanted. She got to go straight from school to a nice, comfy home in East Longmeadow and then Longmeadow with love and money at her side and then a family, while I went through one loser after another and struggled my ass off. Lust certainly was never meant to be for me the way it is in my fantasies. Anyone I wanted didn’t want me and all that was available to me were those I didn’t want. So with my loveless, lustless life of poverty and my so-called true friends, it seemed she was getting it all while I was going all kinds of wild places. The only problem was that they were all leading to nowhere. Yet at the same time I have to wonder, would I have been happy if I had nabbed him and somehow managed to have kids? If I’d been the one to have him, would he have tolerated my inability to keep a schedule? Would I be happy still stuck back east? Would it have even lasted? Are they themselves still happy? Have they ever cheated on each other? Fantasized about others along the way like I have no matter who I’ve been with? Either way, I know that if I could snap my fingers, jump back in time and be the one to be his wife and have his kids, I wouldn’t do it because nothing could replace or equal my love for Tom and his love for me. The only problem in this marriage is that it’s lustless. I’d rather that than all kinds of other problems like I’d always had in the past. If I could get a buck for every problem I had before meeting Tom, I’d be rich. We were off to a rough start with me wanting a child, needing to get off the cigarettes, then dealing with the damn freeloaders and their tormenting us, but now look how few my problems are compared to then and especially compared to back east. My worst problem right now is that we have no sexual desire for each other, we need more money, and we’re living in the wrong state. I’ve been through many changes, places and adventures, both good and bad, as an adult. Meanwhile, I’m sure Mike and Daryl are doing the same thing they’ve been doing ever since – going to work, then coming home to the responsibilities that family brings. Still, I have to wonder – what makes some of our lives so different than others? Why are certain things meant to be for some of us that aren’t meant to be for others? Daryl went on to have the kid she wanted with the one she loved while I went on to just dream about it. Why did Tammy and Larry get to live in nice houses in nice neighborhoods while I had to live in various apartments in the slums? Why did I have to struggle while everyone else in my so-called family got to live comfortably? Who’d have thought that all these years later I’d be so pissed about that? I guess the only reason I wasn’t at the time was that anything I could get was heaven to me after being in Brattleboro, Valleyhead and Dureen O’s house.

I don’t know, maybe Mike and Daryl have had a million problems along the way. I mean, could they really be that happy all these years? Maybe he beats the shit out of her. Maybe she’s become fat and ugly and he no longer desires her. Maybe she wishes they’d never had kids to come between them. Maybe they do struggle financially. But why did God deny me true lust? I guess it’s better than being denied true love, but why? Why was it important to Him that I never experienced an attraction I could actually act on that went as far as Kacey did, but that never came close to comparing to the young Kate or Gloria or Linda or Mike or Mary C from Valleyhead or Norah M from the Harley hotel? Why did He want me to be teased with Teddy Bear? I was more attracted to her than anyone else who was ever attracted to me in return. We almost were, but never were. Why is that? It was almost as if God was saying, “See? You can be attracted to someone who’s attracted to you too. You just can’t have them!”

Like I said, it’s just so weird. I’m so depressed that I want to bawl my eyes out. I know it’d make me feel better. However, Tom will be in anytime now and I wouldn’t want him to see me crying. What would I tell him when he asked why I was crying? That I was missing my high school music teacher and wondering what his life was like these days? The one I had a huge crush on and was devastated not to have gotten? The one who gave me my first taste of loss and rejection, even if he never meant to hurt me by ignoring my advances?

I’d be a total liar if I didn’t admit there was/is a definite pattern of rejection in my life and that I am not, under any circumstances, meant to have anyone I lust for. I can get close to flirting with them like I did with Teddy Bear, but other than that, all attraction must be completely non-mutual. I can think of numerous people that rejected my advances, other than Mike. There was Mary C, Norah M, Nissa and Rosemarie from the Phoenix apartments, etc. Meanwhile, all the ones I could’ve had like Fran, Nervous and a million other losers, I wouldn’t touch with a ten-foot pole. I wonder why this rule was laid upon me. Not that I’d ever want to be without Tom, but if I were suddenly single, I’d never in a million years even bother to approach anyone I thought was hot. I’d either learn to settle or just be alone because I’d know that’d be all I could do.

Oh, the fantasies I’d have about Mike! While stuck in that miserable house with those miserable people called my parents, I’d fantasize about getting out of school one day and going straight to his house or apartment, wherever that was, and waiting for him to get home. He’d let me cry on his shoulder and then he’d make me feel so much better by cooking us a nice romantic dinner while I took a nice hot bath in his Jacuzzi tub. We’d chat, make love, and I would move in with him and we’d live happily ever after.

Other than a 5-minute attraction for Don Johnson back in the 80s, he was the only one I was very attracted to. What does he look like today, I wonder? Probably put on some weight, got some gray hairs. Would I be attracted to him still if I ran into him right now? Probably not. I think that once we get over 40, most of us just aren’t very appealing.

That damn spider just won’t die. The huge one that’s between the living room screen and window. It’s as immortal as the queen, even though I keep spraying it.

I can still hear her TV next door, but it’s not as loud. We’ll be out of here in 3-4 months anyway and I can’t hear it in the bedroom.

I wonder if we’re about to have the same problem with the internet connection that we had around the time Bev moved out because I couldn’t get online for a while there.

Today marks our 11th anniversary and 1 year in the wrong state. At least we got out of Mexico!

We plan to go out to eat when he gets off work which could be after just 8 hours since they went and hired new people. That pretty much tells me he’s not going to get much more in the way of overtime, but hopefully, if they can afford to hire new people, they can afford to give him a decent raise once he hits the 1-year marker at the end of July.

Meanwhile, Patty’s taken to blasting the shit out of her TV. It’s not as loud as Bev’s stereo was in that it can only be heard in the living room and not throughout the entire place, but even if we do have just 79 more days to go here, that’s 79 days too many to listen to that for 6 hours a day, so as soon as it starts up, and I know it’s going to be a regular habit of hers, I’m going to go over there and have a little chat with her. And while I’m at it, I’m going to see if she wants first dibs on any of the knickknacks I plan to try to sell at the yard sale we’ll have.

The dog was barking up a storm in front just now and when I looked out, I saw a young woman standing in back of the van which had its hatch open. I was hoping that for this chick to be there so early that she was helping her prepare to go on a little vacation, but I couldn’t get that lucky. If she’s going to go away anytime, it won’t be while we’re still here.

I’m going to wait and let her have her usual slew of morning company, then I’ll go over there as soon as she cranks up the TV which should be around the mid-afternoon if she follows yesterday’s pattern.

I almost wish I were on nights again so I don’t have to listen to people’s shit around here. Why, why, why is it so damn important to whatever’s up there that I hear other people’s shit??? This noise curse is never going to be broken. Every single neighbor of mine since ’92 has had something going on with them that I’ve had to deal with. Every single one of them! Why don’t I just be noisy myself? Then I can at least deserve what I get from them.

Where did this chick come from so early in the morning anyway? I can’t see well past the van, but there doesn’t appear to be any other vehicle in her driveway but hers, so did she pick this chick up? Did the chick walk here? Is she perhaps staying with her and the one who went blasting the TV?

The van is still there, but now the hatch is closed and there are no people in sight.

It’s days like yesterday that make me think that Bev was the better housemate. Look how many times I’ve had to hear the dog as opposed to Bev’s grandanimals.

Later…

Now the van is gone and the pickup is here. Right on time, too. Next comes the dog, and after I have to listen to that, the pickup will leave around 11:00.

Later…

The pickup left an hour earlier than usual and I haven’t heard the dog in back or the TV yet. She didn’t start with the TV till around 3:00, so we’ll see how the rest of the day goes.

Meanwhile, I can’t wait for him to get home so we can go out to eat! If he’s going to get a couple of extra hours, though, it would have to be today. That way I’m made to wait even longer and we end up eating with the dinner crowd. At least the restaurants here don’t seem as bad as down in Arizona as far as unruly kids go. Every other time we ate out in Arizona we had to do it to the tune of screaming kids. At least there are not as many kids up here, though all it takes is one to ruin the occasion.

Later…

Well, I talked to Patty. I asked her if she got a new TV or something and she said a friend of hers adjusted the TV set’s controls and made it bassy. We talked for a good 10 minutes or so about a variety of things and I even patted Freckles. She really is a beautiful dog. Her coat is nice and shiny and soft. She said it’s a corgi and her third service dog. Also, she agrees it’s not cool to leave dogs outside unattended and says that if she has her outside for any length of time, she’s with her. Even when she had a German Shepherd, she kept it indoors. I explained to her that in Arizona they tend to leave their dogs outside and asked her if that was customary in Sacramento. She said she wasn’t familiar with that city, but said they were strict about animals, so maybe that’ll be a good thing. Then again, “strict” may only mean no-letting-it-loose-without-a-leash and not, don’t-let-it-bark-outdoors-round-the-clock.

I told her we were going to do a swap meet or yard sale before we left in a few months to rent a house before we can move to California and that I thought she may want first dibs on some of the knickknacks I don’t want. She said she was still broke from moving in here and wouldn’t have any money for a month, but that she definitely wanted more plants. I gave her my puzzle since we only paid 75¢ for it and she said she needs things to keep busy (she was about to take a nap, supposedly from sheer boredom), and it looks like she may buy my spider plant, but not for another month or so when she has more money. So I let her know I’d catch her out back in about a month, and if she’s still interested, she can have it for $20. I doubt the pot and the plant cost me that much, so I’m making a bit of a profit, unlike most things we sell. If she talks me down to $15 or so, that’ll be okay because plants aren’t my top priority in life as opposed to dolls and smells. I’ll definitely be keeping the date palm, though. I looked in my Maricopa journal to see if this was the queen or the date, and from what I read, it’s the date. It usually gets to be 25’ - 40’. I can’t believe how much it’s grown here. I wonder if it’ll slow down in California. I doubt it. I think it was whatever evil lurked on the Maricopa land that interfered with our plants, both indoors and outdoors.

She said it took her years to adjust to this climate when she moved up from Southern Cal in ’68 and doesn’t even run her heat until it drops into the 30s. Well, I’m not about to stick around long to adjust to this shit! There’s simply nothing for us here. This is a tiny, nothing, going nowhere town. While I don’t miss Arizona, I miss how we lived in a rural area yet could get to big cities in less than a year. Still took long enough, though.

Patty’s thinking of planting some flowers in back where they cut a tree down last Sunday.

She’s also thinking of getting a house through the FHA. Those on disability or who are low-income qualify. I told her we were looking forward to an old house that we could fix up to our own liking.

I mentioned that we started watering the yard in the mornings and she said it would be good for us to rotate weekly so it doesn’t get as expensive as it would for just one person to do it. I didn’t tell her that Tom’s only watering our side.

Even she can hear next door’s doors, but only when she’s sitting out back.

Anyway, Patty may not be perfect since we do still hear the dog a few times a week and she does slam her door, but she could be worse. One thing’s for sure, though, and that’s that her place stinks like hell! I could smell the cigarette smoke wafting out the back door, and her hair looked ridiculous. She’s got roots as dark as my hair is now while the rest of it is bleached so blond that it almost looks gray.

The rat’s running around loose now. I’m keeping the roll of Rolaids Tom had by his bed up on the table. He tried to run off with the whole roll yesterday!

We’ve got what’s the biggest spider so far that I’ve seen in between the front screen and window. It’s a big fat black crab spider.

Tom got to work overtime yesterday, so that’s $20 extra.

Patty got her usual morning company so Freckles got to get tossed out back. The fact that it was out there barely 3 hours after the first time it was out confirmed that she was getting it out of the way of the company. It gave a few barks, laid down for a minute on our patio, then as I figured it would, it barked a few minutes later to be let in because she was too lazy to stand at the door and wait for it. That’s okay, though. We’ll be out of here soon enough and she and her dog will be the memory that Bev and her grandanimals now are. We’ll still have to listen to shit wherever we rent a house, but we won’t be attached to anyone! In fact, the money’s doing so well that we may be able to move as soon as September rather than October or November.

His boss was all excited about Oregon being the next state quarter to be released that he gave everyone at work one. Tom said they were all making fun of him for making such a big deal of it. It is kind of strange.

Later…

That’s 4 times I had to hear the dog. Sometimes I want to run over there and say, “Enough is enough!” Now she’s got a second visitor. What is it with all this weekday company? I just don’t get it. Why do these people need to come and see her so often? She hardly seems that helpless or disabled (at least not from the neck down). She has no company on the weekends, which is weird. It’s always during the week. With most people, it’s the weekends that they have company. I wish she were like most people since there are more days during the week.

Anyway, the last two times I heard the dog was in front, though it’s getting old either way. I don’t usually hear the thing this much and if she could stop with the company, that’d really help. It’s the afternoon now, so she’ll probably take a break from the visitors soon enough. I hope the next person in here either has a dog of their own or doesn’t mind hearing it because I know whoever they are will be home all the time. Almost everyone in this area is. I just wish she’d quit with the company! If only she didn’t have that damn dog! She’d be close to the perfect neighbor, but you know that any neighbor of mine has to have some flaw.

Tom’s going to check out that new store called The Fragrant Flame this Saturday. Hopefully, the owners won’t have a death in the family or need to run to the hospital because their kid got in an accident or something.

Meanwhile, I feel like life is nothing but one big waiting game. Right now we’re waiting to move into a house. Then we’ll wait till we can move to Sacramento. Then we’ll wait till we can buy something. Then we’ll wait till we have the money to fix it up, and so on and so forth.

Either way, in about 80 days I’m never doing the house-sharing thing again! No more of this getting thrown back in time and into situations I thought I’d forever escaped! I’ll never live attached to anyone ever again even if they’re in a coma.

I’m awaiting the Michael Jackson verdict, though being a rich famous black male, I’d say it’s rather obvious that he’ll get off just like they always do. If he doesn’t, he’ll be in a country club of a prison for 5 minutes and then the blacks will riot up a storm and we whites will have to be the ones to suffer again.

Will we get money from the queen, or will it get a nasty letter from me? Just a few days to go till we find that one out, though I’m going to wait and see what they say about my book before sending anything if she does fail to care to send us anything. It wouldn’t surprise me if she did blow us off. As I’ve said before, if you don’t care if your kids are homeless, why would you care about their birthdays or anniversaries?

I was going to wait till Paula decided to write, but then I said what the hell? I may as well send her a letter while I send one to Bob too, to see if he’s still alive. Next weekend I’ll be calling her.

Later…

Sure enough, another black walks. I’m sure he had an all-black jury, too. The whites ought to riot this time and beat the shit out of anything black that walks by. See, this is why I hate God and have absolutely zero faith in Him. What kind of a good God lets an obviously guilty child molester walk while I had to lose all kinds of freedom and money for exercising what I thought was my right to free speech against my own tormentors? It just makes me hate Him and the blacks of this world even more. Damn them all to hell! He’s going to really molest kids like crazy now. Especially since he knows he can get away with it. I think he always knew he could, but now he really knows it. The only way he might not have gotten off being as rich and as famous as he is would be if he were white, female or both. It’s so, so obvious he truly is guilty, too. Why would so many people accuse him if he weren’t? And of course his fans were cheering like crazy when he left the courthouse. I heard not one “boo” as he left, and I don’t know who’s crazier, him or his fans. And would the fans be so damn dedicated and loyal to him if he suddenly killed little boys right under their noses? I’m sure they would, and I’m sure he’d still get away with it, too. Tom thinks he walked cuz of money, and while I do believe that was a factor, I’m still pretty sure the root cause came down to race. It’s been this way since the 90s and God only knows how long it’ll continue to be. The blacks and the noise are the only two things I’m not looking forward to down in Sacramento, and while there may be more blacks there than in Arizona, hopefully it won’t be like Springfield had gotten to be. You couldn’t even walk down the deadest of streets there without seeing a black the last time I was there. By now there are probably more of them than whites.

The dye faded a couple of shades after the initial washing, as usual, but that’s why I always get dye a little darker than I’d like. There are still some gray hairs showing, but that only makes it look more natural since even 20-year-olds have a few strands of gray here and there.

Barb, at the publishing company, emailed me to say they just verified that my book isn’t spam. Because I had no text in the body of the email I attached it to, it came up as spam. Meanwhile, she says they should have an answer for me in about 5 weeks. Either way, she’s still going to reject it. I know it’s not a bad story, but it’s like with the singing, I’m better than most, but not better than all.

Later…

Next door was out gabbing, but I don’t know why. It’s not that nice. It’s only in the low 50s.

All I heard so far from next door was a few bumps and bangs and just one soft bark. That’s usually a prelude to an all-out barking fit, but not this time. I still worry she’s going to leave the thing out there all day if it ever warms up for good. As it is, it’s getting a little Arizona-like. I could see that when we went on our walk yesterday. More dogs are decorating more yards. Anyway, if she does start leaving it out, I’ll just go over there and let her know that in case she hasn’t noticed yet, leaving the dog out for long periods of time, means more barking.

I’m so tired of having to deal with other people’s dogs, and I hate it when other people’s kids interfere with our plans, too! That’s the main reason I don’t want any kids. Tom went down to check out this new incense store he saw advertised in The Nickel, and it was closed due to graduation.

I’m not surprised I still haven’t heard from Mary and I know I never will. I should’ve trusted the part of me that said not to bother writing to her because I always did say she was using me and that most people aren’t what they say they are. In other words, her insisting she was big on playing kiss and make up was nothing but bullshit. At least I got some stamps and stamped envelopes out of our brief reunion. What is a bummer is that I never heard from Marilyn.

I decided not to bother losing more weight. I know I could, but I don’t want to because it’s simply too much hunger for too long of a time. All I’m going to do is maintain my weight and that can be enough of a task as it is. My main goal is to save money on groceries and keep fit, not lose weight.

Meanwhile, Doe and Art O should have a lot to discuss with Tammy B and vice versa. Unless their addresses are no longer current, they each got very similar and very long letters from me. I used Mary’s envelopes to mail them in and mailed them myself when Tom was at work last Tuesday. I walked up to the second cluster of mailboxes. That one has an outgoing mail slot. Ours doesn’t because the duplex is a two-in-one residence. I mailed them in secret, knowing how paranoid Tom gets. It’s not that he would try to stop me, even though he may say it was a waste of time, but I know he’d be like, do what you have to do.

In the return address area, I simply wrote my name and the town and state. I didn’t write with any desire to reunite at the moment, and I probably never will want to reunite with them because their money just isn’t worth it, although I did give them the impression that all was suddenly fine and that I would write regularly.

As for why I did it and what I said, well, since Mary was paying for it, I thought I’d play with them a bit and stretch the truth into a little BS, just in case there ever is an opportunity for me to get any money out of them. Meaning that if there’s some chance they didn’t cut me out of their will, though I’m pretty sure they did, I don’t want my last words to them to be as nasty as they were. What I did may help in the future, if there’s any hope of getting any money to begin with. What I mean by stretching the truth is that I told them we lost our house, which is true, but rather than say it was because they fired Tom for not being a religious freak, I said it was because the old neighbors terrorized us and caused us to have to enter the witness protection program. I know they know about jail and that we moved to Oregon because they always have to know what’s going on with us, but I gave the jail saga a happy ending. Never did I use any racial slurs, but I let them know I’ve come to hate blacks and Hispanics more than they ever could and told them what happened. The only part of it that was fabricated was the part about entering the program. I also said that we have an eBay store (we once did) and that I’m selling dolls and incense and was able to keep doing that along the way. I told them we had to leave most of our belongings behind which is true. I also told them about the pictures that got published and said that my book was accepted and that it’s being edited and typeset, again, partially true, though I doubt they’ll accept the book. I said that we’re no longer in touch with his mother because of the way she used us and doesn’t care about anyone but herself (true) and that she’s been instructed to tell people we moved out of state, and not mention us entering the program. Well, she certainly wouldn’t do that if they did call/write to ask her about it! I told them what I like/dislike about Oregon, versus Arizona, and that we have plans to move to Sacramento. I told them I always did love visiting California (true), and that we even met Kate Jackson when she was signing autographs at a convention center (maybe that will be true someday)! I told them I still have too much animosity towards Larry and that I did not write to him, and by now I’m sure he’s dumped them all for good anyway. I can’t think of anything else of significance that I mentioned, and I didn’t save the letter. Oh, I mentioned how some of the DOs liked me and that they made my life a little easier, etc. I explained that I couldn’t give them an address or a phone number until the people who framed me, as well as others, were caught (I told them I exposed them to the media).

See, the object was to get in touch with them in a way that they would like, but that wouldn’t require us to play nicey-nicey, and the only way I could think of was to fabricate the program story. Without it, they’d wonder why I wrote a seemingly nice letter and failed to give them any contact info.

The only other things I remember telling them were trivial things like that I still like to sing and have pet rats, etc.

I told them that we were driven up here by FBI agents and US Marshals, using the places we really did stop at; the miserably hot truck stop in Arizona, Barstow, Merced, and Willows. I also said we spent time camping on the mountain in an RV that the program provided, then we were in hotels, then a furnished duplex, mostly true stuff.

I don’t know if they’ll believe it, but it doesn’t matter. Especially if they do plan to leave any money, and that’s going to be a lot more likely with a letter like this than the last fuck-you letter I sent them when we first got to Maricopa.

I’m dying my hair brown/black right now. In 5 minutes I can rinse it out. They’ve gotten better at keeping it from stinking so bad. Let’s just hope I covered it well and that it doesn’t fade too fast.

Patty’s dog just went off at the cats and she came out in her nightgown to fetch it. When is she going to realize that she can’t leave the fucking thing out there or else sooner or later it’ll find something to bark at?

We took our walk earlier and it was cold for starters. I can’t believe it’s mid-June!

What’s weird about these sweep sites is that they have links to discussions that aren’t even related to the sweeps at all, like the one where everyone’s bitching about a woman being released from a funny farm after just 8 years for stabbing her young son over 100 times because she thought he had AIDS (and let me guess – God’s gonna make sure she’s pregnant again real soon!).

My monitor is trembling at times. God’s really determined to fuck with this computer seeing that we don’t own much else!

Patty had her usual morning company – the dark blue car and a fiery red pickup, but I heard no barking other than what came from inside her place.

Next door laughed back and forth a few times in the early evening, as usual. I heard a girl and a guy the last time around.

I’m on a roll with my current book Unusual Circumstances.

I can’t get used to 1000 calories a day, so I’m going to keep the weight and jump back up to 1200.

Good news at Tom’s job – we hope! They’re talking about overtime starting next week, and extending into July. He doesn’t want to return to the 12-hour shifts, but he’d sure like to do 10s. That’d certainly help us get out of here.

If there was any barking or banging today, I slept through it. And without the earplug, too. It’d still be way nice if I could live somewhere where all I needed was either just the sound machine or just the fan when sleeping in the daytime, but as long as I have to live this close to others, it’s not going to happen.

Still no wins. Hmm. This is making me wonder if it’s not meant to be. After all, people are winning up to a dozen things a month. They’re small wins, but they’re wins nonetheless.

Tom and I both think the book will get rejected because it could’ve been better. That’s the problem with writing; no matter how good of a book you write, someone’s always got a better one. Something like that hardly seems meant to be for someone like me anyway, but at least I gave it a couple of tries and won’t waste my time trying for years as I did with past goals/dreams that weren’t meant to be. I think I’ve been doing what I was meant to do in life – live a life without lust while I wish we could have more money and quieter neighbors.

Tom made room on my C drive which is small compared to my D drive. He also had to glue one of the reflectors back on his bike that fell off, and while we were at it, we reglued Falling Star’s wig which had come off.

The weather’s been miserable. It’s keeping things quieter, but it’s also keeping me cold and the electric bill higher. All the heaters have needed to run day and night lately. Tom said that although they didn’t stick, there were a few snow flurries around lunchtime. We’re only going to be in the low 60s for the next week. Meanwhile, MA is in the 80s. Even so, the only thing I miss back there, especially now, is the beach. I’m definitely looking forward to not putting myself out on account of others anymore. Meaning, just like Tom said he wouldn’t spite himself by dumping his BOA shirts, well, I’m not going to stay in a cold climate and shiver my ass off just because people can’t shut up in warmer climates. I’ll fan them out, play music, whatever it takes, as long as we don’t have freeloaders for neighbors.

Patty had her usual morning company. Someone with a silver car this time. I could hear the dog barking through the wall, but that was not as loud as when it was in back. I wonder how the hell she can stand to have so much company when all the dog does is bark at the people she has over.

We didn’t think people would have yard sales on such a busy street as this which you can’t park on (though you can park on side streets), so if they can do it, so can we. We’ll wait till we get closer to moving, though, and if summer could ever get here and stick around for a few months, that’d help, too. I’m sure Patty and even Mom and daughter would come check it out. I only heard them go slamming back and forth once, that’s how much colder it is. It was 33º this morning when he left for work.

Here’s something that ought to prove just how small this town is. A coworker of his said they saw us walking on Saturday, then someone else saw him on his bike on Sunday when he went to do the laundry.

According to his birthday gadget, I let him get with the extra money, it’s 3.9 miles each way to work. He’s burning just over 400 calories, counting both ways. His average speed is 12 MPH.

I’m now down to 124 pounds. I now know for sure why I was not only putting back the few pounds I’d lost but why I wasn’t losing more than a few pounds in the first place. It’s simple. I was overeating on the weekends and not cutting my calories low enough on diet days. So now I’m free to lose as much as I’d like. The question is, how much do I want to lose? Not that I’d want to go as low as 90, but I could go that low and still fit into most of my tops, dresses, socks and some shorts, but all else would need to be replaced. Having been heavy for years, I didn’t think I’d ever be thin again so I threw out all my small-sized clothes. I still don’t know for sure that I’ll lose a significant amount of weight, but if I do, Tom says there’ll be money for new clothes. Except for bras and underwear (though I shouldn’t need bras as much if I can deflate these 38C titties), I can get clothes at thrift stores or department stores where they’re cheaper. I never felt the need for expensive designer clothes.

I’ve learned that if I can just get through the first 3-4 days when I start a diet, I’ll get used to it. The drop to 1000 calories from 1200, which I did two days ago, was easier than the drop from 2000 to 1200. The only sucky thing about it is that if I do lose weight, I can never have more than about 1200 if I want to maintain it.

Only one soft yip out back and that’s it for today. Of course, having gotten up at 5:00, who knows what barking and banging might’ve gone on throughout the day?

It was cooler today, so it put a damper on next door’s hanging outside and going back and forth, but we had to hear from the dog twice. He heard a couple of yips that I managed to sleep through, then the thing took a fit after we got back from our walk. It was barking at someone in the house on the other side, then at something in back. Just when I was wondering if she was going to do something about it, she came out and got the damn thing. She’s just too damn lazy to stand outside with the beast.

We didn’t hear any banging, but I thought I heard what may’ve been someone knocking on Patty’s front door, then I heard a bang that was louder, but nothing that’d wake me up.

Tom feels that attempt number 3 to get into a house should be no problem. If he’s right, then we’re out of here in 119 days. We hope to stay in this neighborhood since it’s a nice one, but we’ll just have to see. As long as it isn’t connected to anybody, I’ll take it!

I know no bed is going to be a “magic cure” for us and make us interested in each other sexually, so when I finally do get a bed, I’m going to have to let Tom know that while research says couples should talk this out, I know sex isn’t something he likes to discuss, unlike every other guy in the world, and that rather than make him or myself be something we’re not, we should just forge ahead with the attitude that we’re going to continue on as friends. Or maybe we’re just not right for each other anymore. It’s just that I can’t imagine life without Tom the person. Tom the person is wonderful and so much fun to be with. Even I have to admit that giving him up wouldn’t be worth an occasional piece of ass. A woman is no more meant to be now than it was in the past, and it’d just kill me to give him up. I’d be losing so much more than I could ever gain. I’d miss him so terribly and I’d always wonder and worry about him. The thought of life without him is a very depressing thought, so maybe it really would be okay to leave things as they are. We’ve been doing just fine since before the sickos got me thrown in jail, so I don’t see why we can’t keep going as we have been. It suits us well, it’s what we’ve come to know, and it’s what we’re comfortable with.

Later…

Tom said it was so quiet today that he doesn’t even know if she’s over there. All I heard since getting up at 4:00 was next door slam back and forth a few times. Part of that is due to the weather. It just won’t stay warm. It’s almost like it’s fall again. Tomorrow’s supposed to be only 47º! I hate this state. If there’s one lesson I’ve learned in Oregon it’s to not assume any future dreams are impossible. I only assumed living in California was an impossible dream because just about all my other dreams were impossible. If anything, experience has taught me that if I want to go one way really bad, I should go the other way instead if I know what’s good for myself. Trying to undo what’s meant to be only gets me in trouble, as well as trying to make something be that can’t be.

I’ve decided how I’m going to handle his shit of a mother depending on what happens. If she cares enough to remember our anniversary and his birthday while my book gets rejected, she won’t hear from me at all. If she acknowledges our anniversary and his birthday and the book gets accepted, I’ll gently let her have it, probably by email. If she fails to send anything, whether or not the book makes it, I’ll blast the holy hell out of her via postal mail.

They obviously aren’t locking up cuz I heard them play musical doors till 9:30. I need to improve my spells. I really do.

Here’s something pretty fucked up. They’re saying that by Monday we’ll only have a high of 52º and a low of 32º. So we’ll be freezing in June! This may make it more peaceful around here, but it’ll also jack up our electric bill.

If they reject my book, I may use one of the benefits that’d bring and maybe write a story set back in the 70s when Kate was doing Charlie’s Angels and have her have a relationship with some chick. So it’ll be a romance with the hot-looking bitch of Charlie’s Angels. I’ll have to use my imagination and throw in some surprises along the way, but I’ll mostly have her be nice at times and a bitch at other times so that just when you think she’s gonna stay nice, she goes and does something mean.

For the millionth time, why can’t we get neighbors like us? Why do they all have to have some kind of annoying flaw(s)? Is anybody else as quiet as we are??? Next door has taken to banging. They fucking woke me up a couple of hours earlier than I planned on getting up, and Tom heard it while I was listening to music. He said he’s not positive it came from them, but the question is, is this going to become a regular habit? If it’s what I think it is, they’re going to drive me crazy. Crazy enough to swap rooms with Tom. I’m thinking that for some reason they may’ve gotten in the habit of locking their doors and are now knocking when they want to be let in. Either that or someone who lives nearby started visiting them by going into their backyard and knocking on their door. Tom thinks someone was hammering. Other than this banging thing they’ve started, I haven’t heard from them till now, their prime time. They’re out gabbing in the back, but I can’t hear them with the fan on. I’m just so glad they’re not as loud as blacks! Still, there’s nothing more frustrating than wanting to bass them out but knowing I can’t cuz we got Patty living with us. Besides, this isn’t Arizona where they’d simply go inside if they found it annoying. They’d run and complain to Pam.

Meanwhile, I’ve only heard the dog barking by the front door when she goes out to get something from her van or to water the yard. She just set up a sprinkler. First she did the back and now she’s working on the front. I’m sure I’ll hear the dog barking in back by Sunday. I never get to go more than a few days without hearing it, and she’s practically taken up residence in the backyard. And I thought Bev was out there a lot! What I wonder, though, is this: Has the dog barked while I was asleep and managed to sleep through it? Or has it just not happened to bark while I’ve been asleep?

I still don’t know why they need to see each other 50 times a day. What daughter would want to see her mother that often? Most would never want to live this close to their mothers. Especially when they’re young. If anything, they can’t wait to get out and on their own, away from their mothers. Like I said, God always has to make sure whoever’s closest to us does something annoying.

I wonder if the Sacramento people are like Arizonans who consider complaining a mortal sin, or if they’re like Oregon and MA where they’re quick to do so? If I had to choose, I’d hope they’d be like here because I’d like to be able to speak out about something that annoyed me without the risk of being jailed or killed for it, even if it meant I was more likely to be complained on for blasting my music.

I just hope rural Sacramento will at least be comparable to Maricopa, minus the sonic booms and hunters. That means we’ll get music and barking, but the barking won’t be loud like it was in Phoenix. I hope not, anyway. God knows how many people will come knocking on the door there too, but oh well. Hopefully, we’ll have a doorbell because then they’ll just ring that. If there’s no doorbell, though, they’ll knock on the door. I’ll also make sure the bells aren’t right outside wherever I sleep. Maybe, just maybe, we can fence at least the area around the house, but I won’t count on it. We couldn’t fence around Maricopa or on the mountain, but I’m glad we didn’t! It would’ve been such a waste and we lost enough money as it was.

I love it around here once we hit 10 PM. At that time Patty’s gone to bed and next door’s unlikely to be hanging out or going back and forth, so it’s nice and peaceful.

We have to remember to check the military base locations when we go to buy a place, and the hunting areas, too.

I hope they don’t have the your-land-is-my-land attitude that Arizona had. I didn’t think it was right for people to drive over other people’s land or to allow their animals to roam through it. They did this in Phoenix, too. I remember the Frisbee game Tom had to break up in our driveway, as well as the father who decided our driveway was a great place to teach his daughter to ride a bike. Oh, the stories we’ll have for years to tell others about Arizona!

They’re saying that by Monday we could be in for a high of only 52º and a low of 32º! I can’t wait to be back in a warm climate! After living in the desert for so many years, even 70º seems cold.

Today I got to wake up to someone’s stereo either on a side street in back or from inside next door’s place.

My weight still won’t budge, even though I’ve been stuck for a few days now. I haven’t been stuck this long since I took those anti-shit pills on the mountain when the lack of sleep was making me sick. It’s like my body simply does not want to lose weight. I go through this every time I try. Maybe someday I’ll learn that I’m not going to lose weight. If I were, I would’ve lost it by now. If my body holds its weight this easily, then it obviously needs it. If I keep up the low-cal diet it’ll only be because it saves money.

After nearly a month of sweeping, I haven’t won anything yet, though I’ll give it till we move. I don’t know why I don’t see a house here in Oregon when it’s so obvious that that’s where we’ll end up for a year, since I doubt we could get a 6-month lease. That’s okay, though, because we couldn’t save up in just 6 months anyway. As long as we’re not attached to anyone or have someone’s doors so close to us that come and go constantly, it’ll be okay, even though I’m not looking forward to another winter here. I know we’ll get barking, screaming and stereos, but at least we shouldn’t get all the other stuff and I can blast my music and have a little more privacy in a yard that belongs only to us.

I’ve been unable to keep the heat off at night for the last few nights. It’s either sunny and cool, or warm but cloudy.

Patty really makes me want to strangle her at times. Better yet, she makes me want to take a bat to that damn dog of hers! After I got up at 2 PM and was trying to wake up in peace with my coffee, I could hear the dog barking by the back door to be let out while she had her usual weekday visitor. The dog came barking out. A few minutes later it gave one bark as if to say, “Okay, I’m done. Let me in now.” When no one came to the door, it took a fit. So did I. I stomped madly and swore in the utility area, so that maybe – maybe – she’ll get the hint and start supervising the damn thing more! I’m getting sick of this throw-the-dog-out-back-and-forget-about-it trip she’s been on. She’s not the only one who lives here.

Why must I always get neighbors with something going on with them? There’s always something – noisy kids, barking dogs, blaring music, etc. Why can’t we ever get with someone as quiet as us?

We’re still not sure if she put the dog out yesterday because she took off and maybe thought she’d be gone longer than she was, or what, but we’ll do whatever we need to do if it gets worse. I used to hear it every few days, but it’s been escalating lately. A part of me wishes it was cold and snowy. Maybe then she wouldn’t leave the damn thing outside. But that would also cost us nearly $200 more a month and hinder us from getting out of here. Since I don’t expect to win enough money, if any at all, to get us out of Oregon this year, we’re just going to have to settle for a year’s lease in a house, but that’d sure beat staying here another year, which would be plenty of time to save up enough to get out of state comfortably. In the meantime, ah, to be detached and to have a yard all to ourselves, even if the next yard is still too close with a dog barking in it, and I know God will make sure I get next to little kids, barking dogs, blasting car stereos, or all of the above. It really sucks, this ongoing noise curse, even if it’s not nearly as bad as Phoenix or the NHA because we have enough of our own shit to deal with. We don’t need to deal with other people’s shit as well.

At least we’re not as broke as we were last fall! For a while there I seriously doubted we’d even survive those tough times. It was so stressful and depressing! We’re saving money while still having a life while we’re at it, despite what the neighbors sic on us. Tom’s been letting me have $30 a month for fun while he takes $10, mostly for scratch tickets, but this month I’m having him take all $40 for our anniversary and his birthday. I’m still trying to put off my teeth as long as I can till we’re at least out of this duplex. In a couple of months, we should be able to join one of the DVD clubs and get the upgraded radio version that’ll allow me unlimited song-skipping, unlimited usage, and no commercials. I’ll also sign up for a month of Webshots, but just a month. That way I can go back and get the premium pictures I’ve been missing. I figure there’s no sense in paying every month when I can just pay every 6-12 months and get what I’ve been missing.

Although not as bad as in Arizona, my allergies were acting up earlier, so I ended up taking a 3-hour nap after taking some Benadryl.

Later…

Today I got to wake up to next door going back and forth like crazy. They still are, though some of the banging I’m hearing could be car doors from across the street echoing between the duplexes.

Meanwhile, I’m still sweeping away but have yet to win anything.

With the way Mary used me, I can’t say I’m bummed that she quit writing, but I can say I’m bummed I didn’t hear from Marilyn. A thought crossed my mind about Mary. I still say it’s more likely a case of her giving me a taste of my own medicine since I won’t be her slave, but it could be that instead of going home around now, she’s really going to prison for a decade, and is too depressed or embarrassed to write. They’re really cracking down on wimpy mothers who don’t protect their kids. A woman just got sentenced to more than a decade for delivering a stillborn baby after cocaine was found in her system. I’ve been reading up on countless cases just like Mary’s where they’re going down for many years for failing to protect their kids. You just don’t allow someone to kill your kids these days and walk away after just 5 years.

I’ve been dieting for a week and a half, but have stopped losing weight. I immediately dropped from 130 to 125 in a few days, but I’ve been there ever since. I’m not surprised. I do hold my weight really well. There’s no way I’m going under the 1200-1300 calories I’ve been having. It’s just too hard. At least there’s no way I could gain this way and it’s saving us money. I’ve been stuck for two days and am due for my period, so this might be a factor in why I stopped losing, but I doubt it. I just don’t lose weight. Period. Not other than just a few pounds, that is.

There are no parties going on right now, though Patty let the dog annoy me earlier. It barked twice to be let in, making me want to shake Patty and say, “Stop leaving the damn dog out back unattended!” I wish dogs could be litter box trained like cats. Better yet, I wish they weren’t so damn loud! As I said, if I’m going to be forced to listen to barking no matter where we go, we may as well get our own dog once we get settled down in Sacramento. At least down there, I could leave it outside during the daytime when I happen to be asleep to bark with all the others and know no one’s going to complain.

She’s taken to hanging things out, too. Mostly big things like sheets and blankets.

We took our walk earlier and got $13 worth of groceries for just $6, thanks to the girl that fucked up for the better for us. It’s nice when people fuck up for the better! It was slightly warm for walking, but not too bad. We may walk to the Chinese place next weekend or order a pizza, depending on my schedule, because as Tom said, we deserve a treat. I agree, so long as it doesn’t screw us out of getting out of here. We are giving notice come September or October at the latest. What’s weird, though, is that walking has been causing me to get cramps in my hips. They walked us to death in Valleyhead yet I never got shit. I know I’m older now, but Tom’s even older and he doesn’t get that.

The summer hours at work start this week, which means he’ll be going to work and coming home an hour earlier.

Today was 10º too cool, so tonight, just like last night, the heater will need to be on. At least it kept things quiet around here. I don’t even have bad vibes about tomorrow, but we’ll see. Either way, we’re going to walk to the grocery store in the late afternoon or early evening.

The first week of dieting has lost 4 pounds. I don’t think I’ll lose any more without dropping my calories to 1000 or lower after I’ve been having about 1100-1300, but I also don’t think I can do that.

Tom has been burning floppy disks onto CDs. You can fit around 500 onto a CD. Then he’s going to ditch most of the floppies. It’s all in preparation to fit our stuff into just the truck alone for when we get out of this state. He thinks that if we leave at 8 AM, we can hit Redding by 11:00, then Sacramento by 3 PM. But when??? This year? Next?

Yesterday was cloudy but gorgeous. I saw Patty. She was pulling out as I was pulling the dumpster in. She waved to me. 

Next door’s been quieter today.

We submitted my story No Escape. It came out to have 57518 words. If it doesn’t make it, I’m not going to submit anymore. At least not for a very long time. Also, if it doesn’t make it, I’ll at least not have to worry about being so perfect with my writing, and I can then use all the racial slurs I want. Even the names of celebrities.

I also finished Traces of Hope. Finally. I’m proofreading it now.

I decided to give the sweepstakes until we move out of this duplex. Even I’d be surprised if I didn’t win at least some kind of small prize between now and then, as pessimistic as I am. I mean, you’re talking hundreds of entries a day!

Tom got the bird-chirping wall clock to work again which had failed to work once we got to Maricopa. Maybe some of the evil that dwelled there had a hand in that. Our shit broke in Phoenix too, but not nearly as much as it did in Maricopa.

Not much happened today. Tom said he heard a few minor bangs from next door, but that’s it. It rained and was cloudy, so maybe that had a part in it. After not having to run the heat for two days, I may have to run it late tonight.

Just as I was thinking we ought to kill next door’s cat since that seems to be what mostly stirs up the dog and since it’d be easier to kill a cat than a 45-pound dog, I hear her come out and make her cat calls. She’s also taken to leaving her door open around this time too, so I said to myself, ok, lady, now it’s time to hear me. And the timing was perfect too, because Patty was leaving. So I cranked up the tunes, and sure enough, she closed the door. Yeah, it sucks to be annoyed by neighbors, doesn’t it, Crystal? Oh well. At least they’re still quite tame compared to past neighbors. Still, it was funny to have annoyed her for a change. Why would you want to open doors in the first place and let all the bugs inside? What’s wrong with the windows? Anyway, I won’t annoy anyone too often till we’ve officially given notice. They complain here, and while it may not get us evicted (it didn’t get the last people in here evicted), it could hinder us from renting elsewhere, so I won’t overdo it.

It’s to be around 80º today, 90º in Sacramento and 100º in Maricopa. At least for once, we’ve got the best temp of them all. 80º is perfect. I don’t think my heater went on at all late last night or early in the morning. After all, I got it up to 85º in here by 7:50 when the sun drops down behind next door’s roof.

I have the back and front doors open, but the screens are latched. I’m not afraid to take on any would-be intruders, not that that’s likely in a place like this, but I wouldn’t want them sneaking up on me before I had a chance to do anything about it, but you have to be really, really asking for it to go breaking into people’s houses on such a busy street like this. Some do want to go to jail, though, not that God would allow anyone that messed with us to pay for it since He would only protect their identity, but still, there are some sickos who will stop at nothing.

Later…

This weekend, we’re submitting No Escape. Right now I’m working on Traces of Hope. I’m on a roll with it, though it won’t be very long or as good as No Escape.

It’s still pretty warm, and not surprisingly, next door’s outside gabbing, even though it’s dark now. Fortunately, I can’t hear their chatter in the bedroom with either music playing or the fan on low. Tomorrow I’m going to drown them out with something from the get-go. I know they’ll be outside all the time now, so why wait for them to distract me and interrupt my train of thought while I’m working on my stories or sweeping? In August they’ll probably be out at night only, so I kind of wish we could jump up to that month. We’d not only be a couple of months closer to moving, but as uncomfortable as it may be in August, it may drive them inside more. Then again, maybe not. Heat doesn’t seem to drive people indoors the way cold does. Oh well. In just 4-5 months they’ll be just a memory (I hope), then we can deal with whatever noise we may move next to. At least it couldn’t get this close to us, whatever it is! And I thought the freeloaders were so close! I still don’t see how we could move this fall, even though I still don’t see a house here in Oregon either. Maybe the old white house with dark trim by train tracks that I saw a while back is really down in Sacramento.

Another reason I don’t see us moving this fall is because of what he just found out about unemployment. Each quarter, he’d receive more money. Right now, if they laid him off he’d get $98 a week. Fortunately, they like him at work because that ain’t shit. In August he’d get a little over $100. In October he’d get a little under $200. But come fall of next year he’d get more than he’s taking home now which is barely a grand a month.

According to what I read online, many places are putting bans on these outrageous car stereos we’ve been cursed with for the last 12 years, but they really aren’t doing any good because noise violations aren’t easy to enforce. What they need to do is stop selling the damn things in the first place and make them illegal to have, but that’s just our stupid society for you. All they have to do to really curb the problem is ban the damn things.

By 4:00 this afternoon, I realized it would get well into the 90s in here if I didn’t shut the blinds and drop the blanket I’m using as a drape. It’s still pretty warm in here in the mid-80s. It’s to be in the mid-80s tomorrow, a little warmer than today, so I may not open anything. At least not the blinds. I’d say the heater is definitely not coming on tonight! I missed the summer and I love the money it’s saving. I just wish next door would hang in front like they do in Arizona!

It’s to be in the 80s today. Next door’s already sitting outside gabbing. If this were Arizona they’d be in front! Nah, God would make them an exception and send them in back with me. This is what I figured they’d do once it warmed up. At least it’s just talking. There’s no music, banging or screaming, though I’m sure they’ll be there all day. They’re not always right outside, but right by their open doors and windows. Unfortunately, their bedroom and bath aren’t in back. Their kitchen and living room are. They’re lucky next door’s not empty or else they’d have gotten bassed to hell a little while ago. I’m sure they heard me singing, but oh well. Speaking of bass, the warmth is enhancing the stereos now that people are driving with their windows down. These things have two speakers. The one inside for those inside the car, and the one in the truck that’s meant to annoy anyone they drive by. I still can’t believe there are people out there so desperate for attention that they’d spend hundreds of dollars on a stereo like that, but that’s just our competitive and pushy society for you.

I’m so sick of this home-all-the-time trend I’ve been living with since ’93! But when you live where everyone’s either retired or disabled, that’s what you get. I just hope it rains like hell on Memorial Day! It just may do that too, according to the weather site, and it may also drop down to the upper 50s. That wouldn’t necessarily stop them from partying as opposed to it being cold and snowy, but we’ll see.

I wish we’d skipped Maricopa and Oregon altogether and just gone straight from Phoenix to California. I just didn’t think we could afford to live in areas of the state that weren’t so crowded. If we’d gone straight there, then I probably would’ve gotten out of having to go to jail and I definitely would’ve gotten out of having to play motel so much and now be stuck crammed in here with these people, old and white or not. I’m sure, though, that God had a hand in guiding us in the wrong direction just so I would have to be stuck living with so many damn people along the way. There’s just no escaping them! I’m never going to get to live in peace and seclusion. I guess Tom and I wouldn’t have spent so many years in cities if we weren’t meant to be in them. At least we can walk to stores and things like that.

Later…

The dog was just barking frantically at next door and their cat. They’re going to live out there till the fall! Anyway, I appreciated how she came and coaxed the dog away as soon as it went off, but still, can’t she leash it down by her door if she’s going to have it out there for more than a few minutes?

When I again mentioned poisoning it to Tom, I just got the runaround, but I’m not surprised. I knew he’d never do it. I just hate it when he agrees to things he knows he won’t do!

They’re talking about overtime where he works, but if he’ll really get any, who knows? That sure would be nice and we sure could use the extra money. Because of that, I have my doubts. It seems that the less you need money, the more it’s available. They’re hiring now, too. Especially since the husband-stabber is going to prison for drugs, and someone else is going to do time, too.

It’s over 85º in here. Quite like Arizona! I love it. I missed the heat more than I realized. It’s nice not having to wear socks or gloves. No more frozen hands or nose tips. No having to sleep with shirts on either. In another week or two, we should be able to turn the heaters off till late September. That’ll save us big time. The heat may not come on tonight at least in the bedroom as it is, and if it does, it shouldn’t be till close to dawn. Being in a real building really helps as I know that if I were in that RV right now, it’d be freezing not long after dark.

I went from 130 pounds to 126, but that’s no surprise. That much is easy. I realize, though, that what was tripping me up in the past was that I was replacing what I’d lose over the week on the weekends. It takes me a week to lose a few pounds, but it only takes a day or two to put them back on. Well, I was pretty much just going around in circles. I still don’t think I’ll lose a significant amount of weight, but I’ll definitely make sure I limit my weekend treats. Especially since getting carried away only makes it hard to jump back on track anyway.

The tree blossoms have withered away, but along part of the back wall of the place are these big bright orange-red flowers. They’re quite lovely.

I read that a bunch of bigots filed a lawsuit against a school whose sex-ed department not only showed a film of a woman using a cucumber to demonstrate the proper way to put on a rubber, but that taught that gayness is a biological trait, which is true, and demanded that they teach students that same-sex attractions can be “overcome.”

That’s quite a world we live in when you can sue someone for teaching acceptance and tolerance and make them teach bigotry instead and stuff that’s simply not true. One can’t “overcome” gayness or straightness anymore than one could overcome their heights and I wonder how many more years it’s going to take this world to realize that. If I could quit being attracted to women at will, then a straight woman could quit being attracted to men at the snap of her fingers, too. When that happens, then I’ll believe we aren’t born one way or the other and that it’s a choice or a learned trait.

We’re in the process of figuring out how to convert all the little files a DVD makes to one big file so I can store as many Charlie’s Angels episodes as there’s room for on my hard drive.

We’ve been hitting the 70s lately. For the last few days, the heater’s been off in the bedroom for half the day. It got up to 79º in here. The warmer weather’s stirring up mom and daughter a little bit, but not nearly as much as I thought it would.

As usual, Patty was quiet over the weekend, but today she had her usual slew of weekday company which meant that the dog had to go outside and on a 20-second barking spree. I saw the driver of the maroon pickup. It’s a young fat chick that looks like it could be Patty’s daughter, though she never did mention having family. If she does, I’m sure I’ll be forced to meet them on Memorial Day.

Tom and I took our walk up to the grocery store, then came back and were playing with the rat when I noticed the webs and spider mites on the big palm that’s been slowly dying ever since I got it, so Tom put it in the garage.

Although the ground flowers are still in bloom all over the place, the cherry and apple blossoms are withering away.

I had yet another great story idea, but I’ve been so busy sweeping that I don’t know when I’ll get back to my writing. I’ve been making zillions of entries on the unlimited-entry contests I’d like to win. One’s for an iPod, two are certificates for clothing/accessory stores, one’s for an indoor cactus arrangement, and another’s for a DJ machine we can sell if we win.

Anyway, the story idea is to have some chick get in trouble for some petty crime in a place where they’re doing this “new experiment” which is to place inmates in the homes of cops, guards, POs, etc., rather than jails. The chick will have to wear an electronic anklet whenever the cop she’s been placed with isn’t home. I figured the chick and cop could fight for a while before they eventually fall in love. Tom said my characters fall in love too quickly anyway, so I’ll slow it down with some conflict beforehand.

Patty took off with some chick in a dark gray van. I think they even took the dog with them, which is customary here. Everyone takes their dogs out with them. I’m surprised they don’t take them to work!

I haven’t heard any outside barking for a couple of days now, though I’ve seen the dog. We decided that if the dog becomes an issue, though we doubt it will, we’ll kill it. A poisoned piece of meat tossed out in the middle of the night should do the trick.

A gray SUV visited yesterday and that blue car was back again today.

With the exception of when Bev had the animals over, I don’t know if I can say this one is better than she was. She has the dog, she has company nearly every day, and she’s constantly out back, even if it’s mostly just to let the dog in and out. Before bed, she turns the patio light on for a while too, as she lets the dog do its last shit of the day.

Of all the rodents I’ve ever had, none have been as clingy as this rat is. It’s a good thing he can’t scream like a guinea pig because he’d never shut up.

I’m now quite convinced that yes, Mary only responded to my letter so she could try to use me to connect her and her dumb boyfriend, and that no, I’m not going to hear from her again. She probably figures that now is a good time to give me what I gave her for 8 months which is silence. Only she’ll probably remain forever silent. No prob. All she does is use people, so it’s okay.

Last night was when I learned that Patty can be just as hypocritical as Bev was. The dog went on a barking fit at 7:30. It was only for a minute, but it was highly annoying and distracting since I was on a roll with my writing. This morning, however, wasn’t as bad as I thought it’d be. I saw the dog, but it didn’t bark. She had that maroon pickup there, as well as a dark blue car I’ve never seen before. As usual, the company was gone and all was quiet by 11:00. They didn’t bang around too much.

The dog seems to be let out an average of 3 times a day, though not on any particular schedule. Perhaps we’ll get a dog in Sacramento. I figure that if I’m going to have to listen to barking, it might as well be our own.

The day we give notice will be the last day I’ll worry about keeping my music for my ears only.

The good news is that I don’t “see” a house here any more than I ever saw a washer, which Tom now says he doesn’t want to get, because he wants to exercise on the weekends, too. As he said, he doesn’t want to struggle on Mondays because he lazed out over the weekends. I still don’t see how we can bust out of this state this year, but if I’m right, then something’s got to break. His computer programs won’t be ready this year, I couldn’t make shit off my book if it got accepted, so that leaves the sweepstakes or a lottery ticket, for sadly the queen ain’t going belly-up for 4-5 more years. That’ll mean about 15 years of being her perfect daughter’s daughter – hee, hee! I think if Miss Perfect could ever have anticipated her hanging on this long, she’d have had second thoughts about taking the selfish bitch in for sure.

I forgot to mention getting a letter from Paula last week. She’s going through one Puerto Rican loser after another, as usual. She said I was nice to her and that I could send her whatever incense I wanted to send her and that she may send money after her birthday for me to get her some. I’m sending some along with a couple of CDs for her birthday, then if she sends money, I’ll have Tom grab some from Jan. She’s not too far off his bike route.

No barking today, but that may be because she had no company. Meanwhile, if the housekeeper is a weekly thing, she’ll come by tomorrow and bang around while the dog barks outside. I’m trying to keep on days at least throughout Memorial Day. That and Labor Day are the only major holidays we should have left here, and of course, I don’t know when Patty’s birthday is. She could have a party here if her birthday is between now and when we leave. As much as I’d hate to stay an extra month, I wish we could be here for a full year and go straight to California, rather than leave at the 11-month marker and get a house downtown, which is probably the only place we’ll find one since that’s where all the dumps no one wants are. Even if the yard’s flanked by dogs and screaming kids, they at least won’t be able to get this close. I hope not anyway!

I let Tom know that this is it, too. Meaning, I’m not going to keep bumping up our moving dates. We’re out of here come either October or November. Period. I’m not looking forward to another 130-160 days here, but it’s better than forever.

I also let Tom know that I refuse to ever be attached to anyone again, other than in motels! Not even God can keep dragging me back to live with others once we’re out of here. We’re going to hopefully get a place in the heart of Sacramento for two months while we get to know the area, then get a place once we pick out a location. I’m not going to get to know Sacramento in a duplex or an apartment, because I know better. I know that first and last month will turn into a few months, which will turn into a few more, etc.

The cost of living is much higher down there, so we have to make sure we leave with enough money, no matter what he may be collecting from unemployment.

Tom’s finally gotten me to see that yes, we really can move in the truck without having to spend an additional grand on a trailer. This is because we’re going to sell or dump most of our stuff and mainly take the computers, dolls, clothes and hygienic items. We’ll only take a couple of mugs, cups and plates. Not a zillion of each. We can get new things little by little down there. We can downsize our wardrobes and much more. One box fan and one portable heater are enough. We don’t need 3 of each which is exactly what we have right now. One of the large rat cages can go, too.

I gotta bounce to Kate’s DVDs since bouncing to music is boring me lately. It’s discouraging to know you can never lose weight unless you eat so little you feel like you’re starving. That’s just what I’m going to do, though, whether it makes me lose weight or not because I’m bound and determined to get out of here. It may not be to California, but I ain’t staying longer than the 1-year marker in this place. So, whenever I get hungry, I’ll think of Freckles and the banging, even if the banging’s not nearly as bad as the animals were. I doubt I’ll lose weight in the process. I never do. I haven’t lost more than a few pounds in years and all I do is put it right back on when I do. At least it’s been stable.

Here’s a real pisser. Arizona’s now giving free medical to Mexicans. Meanwhile, nothing’s free for us. No, we have to work our asses off and pay for insurance and some of us still can’t get insured even then! Why don’t they just make Arizona a part of Mexico? It is Mexico! Then they go bragging that they just elected the first Hispanic mayor in many years. Why can’t they just elect the damn cock and leave it at that? I’m sick of their reverse-discriminating bullshit! They ought to shut their traps and get over it! All the Americans do is give, give, give, and all the Mexicans do is take, take, take! What’s wrong with this picture? The world’s fucked up!

I “swept” for 6 hours! If all this work doesn’t pay off in a few months, even I’ll be surprised, and I’m as pessimistic as you can get!