Alison confirms she hasn’t been on Ask in days, so it isn’t her that’s been asking the mixture of simple and polite to rude and religious questions unless I don’t have the clue that I think I have as far as who’s crazy and who’s not. Oh, I know for a fact that Molly and Kim are crazy, but is anyone else out there crazy and two facing me that I’m not aware of?

I would still be willing to bet that today’s poorly spelled, “Have you asked for forgiveness lately” came from Molly. When Kim brings up God it’s to tell you He hates you. When Molly brings up God it’s to tell you things like how He’ll be nicer to you if you’re nicer to others.

Yeah, I should be asking God to forgive me for refusing to be their friend, all right. rolls eyes I have a two-strikes-you’re-out rule. Nane dumped me once. I forgave her when she wanted to make up. If she ever chooses to end the friendship again, that’s the way it stays. This is my rule with everyone and I don’t care how damn good-looking you may be. But Kim and Molly are far from good-looking, so that makes it all the easier not to want to associate with them.

Aly says it’s hard to say if Molly’s still reading my journal or not. She doesn’t think Molly would be smart enough to disable cookies beforehand and more than likely she believes in her mind that if she leaves me alone (at least in ways I can see) I’ll be more likely to want to talk to her the next time she reaches out to me.

Worst of all she says the sick cock she has to work with is still harassing her. She and a couple of others are getting a restraining order against him tomorrow and says she doesn’t understand how this cock can be allowed to work where 3 people are taking legal action against him and fears the restraining order will make things worse.

Sure it will. When you show some sick fuck that he can keep his job and stay out of jail no matter how many people he assaults, threatens, stalks and harasses, of course they’re going to retaliate when someone tries to stop them. Until this cock actually kills someone, the shit’s not going to stop.

And people wonder why I have no respect for law enforcement and no faith in God!

It just hit me that Molly may be going to my other blog that I can’t track. I started posting the first 4 months of this year and some of it mentioned her and her shit. That may’ve prompted the “Have you asked for forgiveness lately” thing.

Later...

That strange noise I heard the other night was thunder after all. We had an unexpected storm that’s rare for July blow on through here, but it was mostly thunder and lightning and hardly any rain. It only lasted a few hours and we only got a drizzle.

Ok, you God lovers out there! This entry may offend some of you so don’t say I didn’t warn you up front. If you read this and get all upset, remember you chose to read it, so I don’t want no complaints or anything like that after I made this clear. Disagree if you will, but don’t expect to change my beliefs or edit this entry.

I was watching this horrific case on Hulu about this guy who killed his girlfriend and then nearly decapitated his 3-year-old daughter. snorts with disgust And people believe God is good? Well, I’m sorry but I wish people would wake the fuck up and quit bullshitting themselves! I try my best to let people think, do and believe as they will so long as it’s not harming anyone, but in cases like this you just want to shake some of them at times! No good, loving God would allow something like this to happen. This can only mean one of two things. Either God’s a real asshole or there’s a separate entity that is and it has a helluva lot more power than God has.

Either way, I guess most of us have to tell ourselves what sounds best in order to cope with this big bad world. Telling yourself something far beyond your control may have it in for you as well as an awful lot of others out there may be true but it’s anything but a comforting thought. People want to believe what they want to hear. So what do you do? You tell yourself God is good and that He loves everybody. Then you close your eyes to everything else. But again, we all gotta do what we gotta do to get by. For me it’s time spent with my husband and doing my hobbies; not telling myself there’s a guardian angel out there waiting to catch me if I fall. I’ve fallen many times in life and while I may’ve survived, no one caught me when I fell. And no one’s gonna catch me in the future either.

So the next time you want to tell yourself that God doesn’t give us more than we can handle, you might want to think of all the little kids out there who could only stand by helpless as hell and utterly horrified while those who were supposed to love and protect them brutally murdered them instead. Yeah, that little 3-year-old sure got a helluva lot more than she could handle when Daddy slit her throat. Ah, but God is good, right?

On a happier and more exciting note, we’re looking forward to the 3rd! That’s when we’ll have more money than we’ll need to officially get the ball rolling toward our new home. Just don’t know if we should go for older and cheaper or newer and more expensive. We could afford both. It’s just that we won’t be able to save a grand or more a month if we go with the latter.

My hip is still bugging the hell out of me at times. It’s like it’s taken over my teeth and I still don’t know what’s wrong with it.

Tom’s now up to $14.33 regular time and $21.50 OT. The funny thing is that his computer knowledge is the reason he’s paid more than everyone else (they make $10) yet they’ve never had him working on computers.

Got up at 8pm to find Tom, who’s usually in bed by then, wide awake and at his computer. A split second of panic went through me as I remembered how he stayed up to tell me he’d been laid off the last time around. Instead, he told me that while it may only be temporary, he and a couple of others will be starting on second shift tomorrow and getting a little bonus for it. That’s great! Second or third shift always makes it easier to do things that need to be done during regular business hours. Things like moving, going to dentists, etc. So he’s going to stay up till midnight since he has to work from 2:30 - 11:00.

Really hope this is a good sign that something up there (Dad?) is helping to pave the way home for us and line things up in our favor. If it is, then the move is getting close and I should start getting more info from my dreams.

Not that I plan to change my mind, but I had a disturbing thought about these “adult communities” that say only one has to be 55. Well, what’s to say we couldn’t end up next to a woman with a 10-year-old and an older BF or husband? Or how about a young woman with a couple of 4-year-olds living with an older parent? I don’t know if there’s a limit on the number of residents. I guess it varies from community to community. But most parents are single these days and this is totally the kind of shit luck we would have ending up next to a couple of preschoolers home and outside screaming all day long. But until I too am 55, we can’t go to an all-55 and up community.

Tom thinks we’ll get next to all adults. I sure hope so and that they don’t live outside from sunup to sundown, but this is a relatively warm climate. Therefore I’m expecting people to be outdoors more than indoors. But if they can carry on like civilized human beings while they’re at it and tend to their yard work when it needs it and not every single day just for the fun of it, we’ll have it made.

So I get a “how be everything going for you deary?” on Ask and my first thought is Aly. But then I saw that Molly had answered a few questions and had to reblock her yet again (I don’t know how she keeps coming unblocked even when her u/n doesn’t change) so it could’ve been her. By asking a pleasant and simple question like that she can know I would answer in the same manner and then get to “feel” like we’re buddies. Still, I check her account every day to make sure it’s blocked, even though she could come at me anonymously when I have that enabled.

I asked Aly (who I hope is ok) if it was her that asked that. I also asked if she thought Molly could be dodging my tracker but still reading my blog for some reason, even though she’s never seemed to care about trackers before. If anything I think she liked being seen.

As funny as it may sound I almost miss her faithful viewings, though I also don’t need the constant prying eyes of someone I dislike.

Later...

Tom made it till nearly 11, and I ate nearly 2 hours before I planned on eating, but close enough.

Upon screening old journals for publishing on MD, I looked back on a lot of the shit that happened back east with disgust. Particularly the legal trouble I got into. I’m disgusted, ashamed and embarrassed both at myself and at the South Deerfield pigs. How could I have not only done something as stupid and as pointless as prank calls, but how could I have been so goddamn naïve when it came to the pigs?! Shit, that was worse than naïve; that was downright dumb! Why couldn’t I see through the pigs’ utterly phony as hell “friendly” disguise? Was I that lonely and desperate for positive attention or something? Well, I don’t know what the hell was wrong with me, but despite the fact that yes, I broke the law, the pigs ought to be ashamed and disgusted with themselves for the way they carried on with their lies and other bullshit. I’m as embarrassed for them as I am for myself and even though it was over 20 years ago it’s sad and even scary to know that you’ve got scum like that who were and are supposed to “protect and serve.” Not “lie and manipulate.” I’m just sick of the double standards! They can speed all they want, they can lie all they want, and they are literally above the law they’re supposed to abide by! Well, I don’t ever intend to break the law again. At least not knowingly or intentionally. However, if I’m ever taken advantage of like that ever again by any so-called authority figure(s), I swear I’ll be the richest chick in whatever town I’m living in at the time when I get through with them!

Now here’s where it gets really weird, although in my favor. Definitely in my favor. Back east I had to go to court – IDK – maybe 6 to 8 times. All for prank calls and nothing else. However, when I lived in South Deerfield it was the first time I got in trouble in two different towns at once (Greenfield and Northampton). Of all the Springfield charges I can remember, I got in trouble for pranking 1 stranger, the crisis center, an old friend named Jenny, and 2 cops. I didn’t even know one of them was a cop, and the other was married to an old boss/friend of mine and I guess I just didn’t care what his occupation was. I was targeting his wife for stabbing me in the back, not him. The other pig, not surprisingly, had me arrested and came to tell me I was “lucky he didn’t know where I lived” when I was by myself in a small holding cell.

Here’s my big question: Why were all but one of the 7 cases dismissed??? The only one that I ended up being thrown on probation for was Greenfield and even that “faded away” when I moved. All they wanted were monthly forms stating my current address. Ok, so I’ve been known to have both good and bad influences on the outcomes of some things in a way that falls into the psychic category, but how could even I have influenced 6 plaintiffs, 2 being cops, not to show up in court? Clearly, someone kept getting me off. Why didn’t I see this before? There’s no way they all could’ve said “what the hell” and failed to show up. Nor were the cases dropped cuz they felt sorry for me for being poor and on disability. Nor was it cuz they thought I was cute. Someone with some serious clout had to have gotten all these cases dismissed.

I do remember something weird that maybe had to do with a lawyer I was related to. Someone named Jimmy. If you go to the police station or are picked up on a weekend with a default warrant out on you (there was one out on me at the time for failing to appear for Jenny), they’re supposed to hold you all weekend and bring you to court on Monday morning instead. Well, when Kim drove me to the SPD for calling that cop Laurie (ok so 3 cops I picked on, though I didn’t exactly “pick on” Laurie. I called, I hit on her, she took it wrong, then she used her badge against me) the sergeant we spoke to that night said he had better things to do than waste time on my calls and dispute with Laurie and that’s when he mentioned this lawyer. If I ever met him, I don’t remember it. Then I was ROR’d out of there on a weekend of all times and ordered to appear in court for Jenny. I did. Then the case was… yeah, you guessed it… dismissed.

I also remember being in South Deerfield on the phone with my sister one night and telling her I wasn’t sure whether or not I should let Mom and Dad in on what was going on. She suggested they might already know about it. Well, unless they “hired” Kim to report what was going on with me, maybe I did have this lawyer relative who kept getting me off, but that couldn’t get me off with Greenfield because it was out of his territory.

Kim was oddly afraid to address an envelope to my folks one time. I don’t remember why I wanted her to send them something for me. This was after I moved out west. I think it was some joke that had to do with something I printed from the computer when the internet and all that was still relatively new, though I fully intended to eventually let them know it was me behind it. I sent the thing to Kim and asked one night over the phone if she sent it down to them. She had said something like, “Yeah, I had a friend write out the envelope.” I asked why she would do that since they’d never seen her handwriting and she said you never know. But she should know. They only met her a couple of times, they were never in her apartment, and so they shouldn’t have ever seen her handwriting.

I guess that, and whoever was calling me after I was charged and whoever seemed to know some of my movements for a while in South Deerfield, will forever remain a mystery.

Life sure is weird at times. There I was getting off when I was guilty and going down when I wasn’t on the other side of the country. It was like Phoenix ended up being my karma, though that doesn’t make me any less pissed about it or the situation any less wrong. No one should do time for something they didn’t do, or do a sentence fit for someone who beat the crap out of someone when all they really did was something so petty and harmless in comparison. Yeah, doing half a year and losing thousands of dollars for a letter I didn’t write was a huge step above and beyond getting off for doing something that at worst, was highly annoying.

OMG, what the hell was that? I just heard something that sounded like it could’ve been thunder or a large animal or person either crossing the porch or running across the planks in back (the trailer is set against a cliffside). Although the wind chimes are sort of active, July isn’t the time of year here for thunder. It really sounded more like footsteps running, but who the hell would be traipsing around in the middle of nowhere in the middle of the night? And dumb enough to make that much noise in an area where most people have guns. We’re not armed, but pretty much everyone else is around here.

And what was that I heard a couple of hours ago? That one sounded more like it was inside the place, sort of like the floor creaking. I thought Tom got up for some reason, but he didn’t.

Ok, so maybe this is not just paranoid of me but downright insane, but I still live in fear of old enemies hunting me down and harming me. Oftentimes what has worked for us in the past doesn’t always work for us again in the future. So if you once victimized someone through the law, but the law finally saw through at least one of you enough to kick your ass out of law enforcement and vindicate the real victim in the case, why not screw them outside of the law instead? Especially if you may be pissed off over someone’s “testimony” that helped expose you for who you are and get the word out about you? Whether you have been or are presently in law enforcement, you should be able to pull some strings and find practically anyone you want. Then with or without your sick little buddies, lovers or whoever the hell they may be to you, why not go visit them if you feel they’re that worth spending the time and energy on, right? Gosh, I hope not!

After Tom helped me figure out what the hell was blocking my computer from logging onto Twitter, I’ve now shared the link with Nane as well, but no one else. I know Andy and Aira would like me to add them, but I’d rather keep it just for Maliheh and Nane (because they don’t tweet) and not have to worry about annoying or being annoyed by overtweeting. I can always change my mind later on if I want to. Another reason I don’t want to give the account link to just anyone is cuz of Molly. Even when I was careful not to post new links, like my Ask account, Aly and others who she also stalks would post theirs and she would find me through them.

Tom just went to bed to catch up on his sleep and tomorrow he’s going to enjoy his only day off this week. He said I don’t need to be with him, but next weekend he’s going to drive through the most desirable parks and decide who he’s going to call. I’ll probably be with him, though. My schedule is usually 12 hours ahead of whatever it was the week before. So since I got up at 4:30pm today, I should be getting up at 4:30am next weekend.

So this weekend has been a “non-action” weekend. Other than yesterday evening’s loud motor show, it’s been hot, dry, quiet and just wonderful.

Once we get moved Tom may see what other jobs are available in the area. He makes great money and the benefits are good, but he’s just not happy. They’re working him to death and he’s working with a bunch of stupid idiots. With his experience, he should be able to find a job with similar pay and benefits. Besides, the only part of the benefits that’s really good is dental, which we’ll use for the bulk of my dental needs once we get moved. Also, the 401K is nice but they only match half of it and not all of it like most companies do.

Then I got to thinking about it and I really wonder if he’s not just as cursed with jobs as I am with getting neighbors who allow their dogs to bark every single fucking place we go. Tom doesn’t mind cuz he grew up with that shit. But I didn’t. Dogs are supposed to be household pets where I come from, not noisy lawn decorations. I just can’t remember the last time he had a job he was happy with. It seems they always suck from the get-go or they start off ok, then they end up sucky.

Still losing weight since I stopped lifting. Even my thighs don’t rub together as much when I walk. But this hip shit really pisses the shit out of me. My right hip has been really annoying, even painful at times, and I don’t know why. Sometimes it seems like the pain is coming from different areas and is hard to pinpoint exactly where it’s at. Sometimes it seems to start in the hip and shoot down to my knee. Other times it starts in my hip and shoots back to my ass. I cannot lie on it or in certain positions. It seems the only one I can lie in that doesn’t aggravate it is on my back. I don’t know if it’s cuz I’m getting older, the years of running or what, but I hope it doesn’t get any worse. If I’m ever unable to work out, I’ll gain tons of weight even if I eat like a bird.

The daily shots of bug spray under the sink have been helping to keep the bees from invading the bathroom. Still gets a little nerve-wracking parking my ass on the toilet at sunrise and sunset when they’re most active.

Went back to Twitter but decided to share my little microblog there with just Maliheh for now. Haven’t decided if I want to share with Nane yet. I don’t think I will, though. The reason I’ve decided to be so secretive about this one and have signed up as Miss Anonymous is that I have more freedom this way. This way I don’t have to worry about overtweeting and annoying friends, or feeling obligated to follow back those that annoy me with their own share of overtweeting like Kim used to do. I can’t control who chooses to follow me, but I don’t have to follow them back if they’re not friends and they can choose to unfollow me anytime they want.

The reason I chose Maliheh is that we have no mutual friends. I would have loved to have bitched about Kim on my old Twitter account but couldn’t do that because I knew it would offend Alison. This way I don’t have to worry about offending anyone. So yeah, the decision’s been made. Only Maliheh will read this entry and only she will get the link, and I will make sure I don’t connect my Twitter account with my Facebook account or anything like that where I use my real name.

Another reason for sharing my “secret” Twitter profile with Maliheh is because that way if she wants to, she can get an idea of what my current schedule is like and whatever else I’m up to and random thoughts I may have. She doesn’t have to check it of course. I’m just going to make the link available to her so she has the option.

I kind of wish Maliheh would start tweeting from her own secret account too, so I could know what was up with her even when we weren’t in the mood to chat, and even if it were something as trivial as what she ate for lunch, but I understand that isn’t her thing.

Maybe I’ll end up deactivating on Twitter. I left for a while because I got sick of all the constant change and the forced ads, recommendations and “promoted” tweets being thrown into my stream.

For now, it will be for Maliheh and I, though I’ll still tweet at least for a while even if she’s not interested in checking it out, and have fun changing backgrounds every few days or so. They don’t allow animated ones, but I have plenty of stills to decorate with.

Later...

It fucking figures that less than 24 hours after rejoining Twitter the site is down. I can’t access it at all, so they’re down hard. Probably got flooded over the latest mass murder.

Before I state what’s on my mind, remember that you chose to read this blog. If you’re sensitive or you disagree with what I may have to say, that’s fine, but that’s your problem. Whether you live in my country or not, whether you’re rich or poor, whether you have an “important” job or not, I don’t want to hear it. It’s fine to disagree, but don’t even think for a minute that so long as I don’t harm or threaten anyone you can still mess with my rights. Or try to. The worst you can do is make yourself look worse and me get rich. So… am I worth it?

Ok, so as far as what’s on my mind. That’s easy. I hope to hell they fry the guy’s ass that’s responsible for the theater shootings in Chicago. I really do. I’m glad he’s white because that will up the chances of him getting the death sentence he deserves instead of pity and a lifelong stay at a local funny farm at the taxpayer’s expense.

What pisses the shit out of me is knowing that this cock probably will get off on an insanity defense because apparently, he’s showing no sense of reasoning, unlike the Oklahoma bomber. He was sane and did what he did for a reason. The government fucked him over so he blew up one of their buildings.

That’s another thing that’s scary. You would think those that have bombed or flown into government buildings would be an example to the government of just what can happen when you fuck over your own while catering to the rest of the world, yet they still go on fucking us over and nearly killing some of us as in the case with my husband and I last year.

Ok, why is my landlord driving his loud truck up and down the driveway??? I have sound machines and fans on yet I still hear this fucker! That’s why we may as well not worry if we go back to having neighbors so close to us. They’re going to be just as annoying whether they’re close to us or hundreds of feet away, so why not? Seriously, God doesn’t give us any breaks when we distance ourselves from neighbors, He just makes them louder. What this cock is doing right now more than makes up for the distance. It’s no different than if he were just an arm’s length away. It’s getting dark, though, so maybe it’ll stop soon, and he’ll either stay home or take off for the night like he sometimes does on Friday nights and leave me with 8 hours of barking.

What else can I complain about? How about attitudes toward suicide? Just like some people’s attitudes towards rape victims suck with the way they blame them and not the perp, people always blame the suicide victim, too. Sure there are some that kill themselves for the wrong reasons, and sure some of them would have made it through life just fine had they not given up when they did, but what if Tom and I hadn’t received a miracle in the end and therefore gone through with our plans? I’ll tell you exactly what would’ve happened. People would’ve blamed us for our own deaths and insisted we just “didn’t try hard enough.” But when you fill out every application available to you yet no one calls, that’s NOT your fault. Luckily for us, though, one did just that in the nick of time, and they saw past Tom’s age and skin color and right through to his qualifications.

We still would’ve preferred to go quickly and painlessly in the comfort of our own home and bed, as opposed to slowly starving on the streets, but we definitely would’ve preferred to go on living a normal life. We are forever grateful to our deceased loved ones for saving us in the end, cuz no other theory makes sense to us and it’s too hard to write it off as a coincidence. At the same time, I wonder just how much of an influence the dead really have on the living. Overall, it doesn’t seem like much. But I wonder things at times like if my dad can and will try to help us get the right home.

It annoys the hell out of me when people say that suicide isn’t the answer. That should be up to each individual to decide and not society. It’s our lives and our bodies. So if you can tell me that suicide wouldn’t have been the answer had a miracle not saved us in the end, then what you’re basically saying is that a slow miserable death on the streets would have been the answer. Sorry, but that’s just pure bullshit knowing my own self as well as I do. I’m pretty in tune with what my limits are and what I can and can’t handle. Streetlife wouldn’t have been one of them. But someday, unless something else kills us in the meantime, my husband will die and then I will kill myself so I don’t have to live without him, rich or poor, then you can all blame me for it. :)

Last night’s negative dreamfest consisted of the dogs barking and me going to turn the sound machine on to drown them out. But the sound machine wouldn’t work. So I decided to go yell at them to shut the hell up, even though I knew it would only last about 10 minutes. Yet when I opened the door to let them have it, the place looked just like we were in the city. Instead of seeing trees and hills, all I saw were closely set houses.

The other bad dream I remember is that I had been run over by a car and was trying to sue the driver for millions of dollars. One night I was at a party and although I seemed to be just fine physically, I was talking to a legal expert at the party who told me that the case would probably drag on for years and in the end, I would most likely lose. I felt myself tense up with anger, not just because of what they said, but knowing that God would protect my perps as usual. Then I spotted the guy who ran me over. I hurled myself at him and he went down on his back with me on top of him. I pummeled his face with my fists till it was perfectly red and unrecognizable. It took 3 or 4 people to pull me off the cock.

sighs Why can’t I have fun, happy dreams more often? The kind you hate waking up from.

When I was bitching to Tom about there not being any home jobs that pay at least minimum wage, he said everyone would be doing them if there were. Really? I thought most people would want to work outside of the house and be around other people.

I had to laugh when Tom said he worried if I’d be able to survive an adult community without blasting music. LOL, I don’t have to blast music. I do it cuz it’s more convenient than using the iPod when I’m cleaning or something like that. I’d worry more about how well others will control their dogs there than anything I may do. I can use iPods and headphones anytime I need to. I don’t expect two big dogs to be left outside overnight to bark their asses off, but I still worry about a small dog being left out during the daytime when the people are working, or more than likely out on errands or entertaining company since we don’t seem to be allowed to have neighbors who work no matter where we live. Besides, the only pet restrictions I’ve seen mentioned so far are the size and number of dogs/cats, not that they’re not allowed to live outdoors.

Jesus, now TIP is down. What is wrong with people tonight?!

There are now at least 40 bees in the trap, so now it’s cost us about a quarter a bee. Definitely better than a buck a bee, LOL.

I haven’t heard from any Internet trolls today because they don’t have the balls to drop their masks of anonymity and show themselves before fucking with me.

No nightmares last night. Just a quick dream of drawing with a green crayon and another of being in a very old house with a very high ceiling.

Tom’s still working 10-hour shifts and is tired but getting us richer by the minute. He still doesn’t get why they want to spend money on unnecessary OT. His only guess is that they want to have more employees for some reason and they hope that this is the way to achieve that.

Miss Not Allowed to Make Money has been told about what’s going on with Alison and she is so fucking enraged it isn’t funny! I’m not just pissed for her, but it only drives my anger and hatred towards men in general even deeper. And the fucked up “justice” system as well.

She made me promise not to tell anyone since she signed an agreement not to discuss it with anyone but wanted to tell me because she felt the need to get it off her chest and felt that it would help her to talk about it. She’s only got Dustin and her friend Regina, who also works where she does to talk to, and of course Kim’s too crazy to be trusted. I’ll keep it out of public though I don’t see the harm in telling Tom and Maliheh.

She lost her cyber defense job to some cock with more experience and because of some stuff going down she didn’t agree with. She was ok with this because she got a job as a security specialist immediately afterward that pays more for fewer hours. But first she was asked to train the guy who was to take her position. She agreed even though she had a bad feeling about the guy and made sure not to spend any time alone with him.

A few days later she saw him kicking and punching his soon-to-be ex in a public parking lot near the base, then he was screaming and threatening a bunch of coworkers a few days after that. Then a higher-up asks her opinion of the guy, so she gives him her take on the little cock and tells him what she saw.

She left his office with the belief that their discussion would be kept confidential. It wasn’t. The cock started threatening her both on the base and online and that’s why she shut down on Facebook, Ask and other sites. Bad move, in my opinion. She should have A, stood up to the fucking cock, and B, not shut down and sent the wrong message. Bullies like that are like dogs; you run, they chase. They prey on fear. They crave it, they live for it, and I really wish to hell they would go up against the wrong women a little more often and that will happily take them down a peg or two. Do we reach into small spaces in the desert without looking after we were surprised by a rattlesnake biting us? No, we usually think twice the next time around. Well, if God would just direct these assholes to bitches like me more often then maybe they’ll remember that they can’t always threaten or attack someone and not expect to be attacked in return. At least not always. And maybe then the little fuckers won’t want to take chances. But that’s just the thing. These cocks aren’t going to come at bitches like me who they know or at least should be able to sense will fight back. And I have absolutely zero qualms to admitting that if I am ever again threatened, lunged at or struck in any way, I don’t care what color, race, gender or how damn superior and how much of a hold you think you might have on me. I’m fighting back! And if I can’t get you with my fists or feet, I’ll get you with a weapon.

I would prefer not to have anyone make trouble for me in the first place and I’m not the kind to go looking for trouble, but I can’t stress enough just how quick I’ll be to fight back. You can call me every name in the book, but as soon as I hear threats or see you coming at me, my husband or our property, down you go. I’ll gladly go to jail for you even if no one takes assault very seriously. If they did people wouldn’t do time for threats they never wrote while these people get little more than probation and anger management classes thrown at them. Yeah, that’s what this cock got despite all his threats and violence. It infuriates the living hell out of me. A part of me wishes one of these types of cocks would come to my door and say the wrong thing at the same time I hope I’m never forced to take some cock who’s grinning with confidence and turn his “I’m gonna beat your ass, bitch” into “OMG, please, please stop! I’m sorry! I swear, I’m sorry! Oh God, please let me go!”

This has always been a concern of mine too; the thought of some cock (or even a woman) making what amounts to one too many threats causing me to simply pop like a balloon. Just explode like a volcanic mountain erupting. The night I got pissed at yet another plumbing problem in this damn place, did I really go outside after Jesse got here because I was curious as to what the hell was the problem? Or was a part of me, perhaps on a subconscious level, hoping he’d do something to provoke me into going after him and unleashing some of this fury that’s been pent up within me for years for various reasons?

I’m ashamed to say it but it’s true that for many years I turned the other cheek and walked away from things I shouldn’t have and later regretted because it only got me taken more advantage of, thus more abused. In some cases, it was legally, in some cases it was in other ways. I was too chicken for various reasons to fight back until I got older and angrier. Not fighting back has left me feeling both angry and like a coward. It isn’t just about enjoying the look of shock and embarrassment when someone smaller than them turns around and belts them hard enough to make them think twice the next time around. Nor is it just about possibly saving others from being threatened or attacked who won’t fight back. It’s about having self-respect. Maybe it’s just me, and I don’t expect those who haven’t been in my shoes to understand, but why is it I feel that not fighting back was the same as saying it was ok to do what they did to me? Oh, I’d have gone to jail, all right. And they would’ve slapped all kinds of false labels on it rather than called it what it actually was (me defending myself) and God help me even more if the perp wasn’t white, but any time I did in jail would’ve been worth it in the end. Just like some people would die to defend this country, I will go to jail for you if you threaten or attack me. Again, though, if you’re a man or you haven’t been in my shoes, don’t even think of judging me or telling me I’m being “unreasonable.” You can’t possibly know how I feel.

Judges make examples out of some perps by going extra hard on some of them. Well, I wish some women would make examples of themselves. Sitting around feeling sorry for ourselves isn’t going to change things.

Yet those who have threatened me in the past (though I’ll admit there weren’t many) have always had some kind of a hold on me where as much as I may’ve wanted to fight, win or lose, I couldn’t because something more important was in jeopardy. This left me feeling even more like a coward, but when this chick in jail threatened me, I couldn’t “lose it” on her, though I came so incredibly close and it was all I could do to keep from making her just try to put her actions where her mouth was (though she probably could have) because I would’ve been thrown on restriction. That would have meant no visitation or commissary. Well, Tom wasn’t worth throwing away to this bitch and neither were my Milky Ways or more batteries for my radio. Now if I ran into this bitch on the streets where there weren’t any holds on me when she threatened me, that’d be different, though I’d be more likely to go to jail for attacking a woman than a man. A man’s simply going to be too embarrassed and ashamed to admit he took one from a woman. It’d be like my getting my ass beat by someone half my size. You don’t think I’d be embarrassed? Sure I would be, even though I’m smart enough to know that size and gender isn’t what determines a fighter, but rage instead and the will to fight back and defend one’s self.

But that anger lives on. It doesn’t just go away, we don’t just forget and we don’t just “get over it.” That’s why I laugh at these so-called anger management classes they throw these fuckers in. Anger isn’t a choice. None of our emotions are. We can’t trick, manipulate or control our emotions and be reaching into our brains and flicking little switches at will. The only thing that could maybe curb some of the anger is if our perps apologized to us or tried to compensate for their shit somehow, but that’s not going to happen. Therefore we remain angry and it’s not much of a choice. If it were, no one would ever feel negative emotions like anger, sadness and fear unless they had something wrong with them like Rihanna, and yes, sadly there are women who genuinely enjoy being abused by men. Hey, when you don’t fight back AND you stay with the guy, well, I gotta believe you actually get off on it. Mary sure did for a while. But these women aren’t going to stop and admit that every slap, kick and punch turns them on any more than your average cock is going to admit he’s probably a sexual fuck-up in bed and defunct as hell. So I can personally say that anger management classes are a joke. I sat in a cold hard jail cell and took cold showers and ate insanely spicy hotdogs for half a year on account of the very people who made my life a living hell for years after I had something to say about it. Then I went on to lose thousands of dollars and I won’t even get into the amount of stress and anger I experienced. If they think they started off with a pissed-off person, well, after they got done raking the legal coals over my ass, they ended up with someone a hell of a lot angrier and I’m not ashamed to admit it. No “class” can simply diffuse anger and other emotions brought on by such an atrocity. I know justice will never exist in this case. I know they have forever gotten away with it. I know nothing can undo what was done. But I’m never not going to feel a sense of anger over what happened and simply forget about it. A million-dollar check and a public apology in the very paper that libeled the hell out of me could never change that. It would help, but it wouldn’t change or undo what’s already been done. I was eventually vindicated, even though it was 2½ years too late, but the papers weren’t exactly as quick to shout that from the rooftops, were they? “You gotta forgive” people have told me, promising me that I would feel oh so much better in the end. But how? How?

I’m tired of the double standards in the courts as well as the reverse discrimination. Had this cock been a woman going around kicking ass and making threats, she’d have been fired and jailed. I don’t doubt that for a minute.

As I told Aly, I wouldn’t have let the cock drive me offline. That’s what it wants. Instead of running scared, she should get angry and let him come at her with his online threats and taunts and gather more evidence against him, joke of a system or not. If she deletes it then she has nothing to back up her word. Goes to prove that a certain someone from my past was never really scared. No, it was all about hate and anger for them, but never fear cuz if you are genuinely victimized and if you are genuinely scared, you do run and hide. Not throw yourself out there as bait.

I’m just so pissed for Aly! If I were the cock that’s bullying her and I didn’t believe in guardian angels, I would now. That’s because if that had been me he threatened, I’d make it so he NEVER threatened another woman again! So something was looking out for this cock, though he’ll never know it. Ugh, I just fucking hate these low-life cocks and when women don’t stand up to them! Aly said she’s been bullied too much as a kid to take it as an adult, but I just wish more women would do more. Studies have shown time and time again that there is no “stronger” or “weaker” sex any more than there is a dumber or smarter race. The problem is that men tend to have more of a temper than women, thus giving women the false label of being weaker. Just because women would prefer to work problems out with their voices and not their fists, doesn’t mean they’re weaker. Just wish they’d do something. Beat ‘em, shoot ‘em, something. Yes, more women would go to jail in the end, but more of these little shit cocks would be more hesitant to fuck with just anyone. Ok, so some of them still wouldn’t get it. Some of them truly believe they can beat anyone. But how the hell can the number of these types of attacks and threats not go down if more women are serving up a taste of their own medicine? Sometimes two wrongs really can make a right.

On the bright side, sooner or later this cock is going to make the grave mistake of going up against a crazy bitch like me because no matter how good we are at judging and sensing people, we’re not always 100% correct. It really is nice to have guys like Tom in the world cuz most cocks are just a bunch of dumb-ass cowards who think they’re the baddest till they cross the wrong person. I wish there were more Paulas in the world, though Paula tends to beat guys just for the fun of it and that’s wrong. I’ve always been against people being violent toward those who don’t deserve it. Violence should be reserved for those who threaten or attack us or who burn our houses down and shit like that. Still, I’m just tired of seeing human shit like this walk away with little more than a slap on the wrist if even that. Meanwhile, I never touched anyone (our old neighbors) and look what happened to me. Like I said, I hope I will never again meet anyone like this or like this cock Aly’s dealing with, but if I do, I already feel bad for them. I really do.

Ah, that feels better. Not as good as it would feel to see this cock get the beating of his life from his ex or someone else, but writing really is therapeutic. My own perps will never see a day in jail, but they can’t stop me from venting. I just can’t do this one in public cuz I promised Aly I wouldn’t. She says things have died down there a bit while this cock is under strict watch, but she’s still worried. I don’t blame her. With all the trigger-happy psychos you hear of that end up losing it at universities and military bases, it makes me worry, too. I’d like to think the cock would know that harming or killing Aly means going to prison, but some people just don’t give a shit. Some people are actually happier there. I was in jail and not prison, and I was with women of course and not men, but many of them genuinely seemed to enjoy being there and were very happy to be in a place where they didn’t have to pay rent, bills or anything like that and where they could have all their meals (even if dog food would’ve been better) cooked and delivered right to their door.

A part of me wishes women would snap and riot against men like the blacks did during the L.A. Riots. But while the thought of it may be funny as hell, it would be wrong. The blacks not only belittled and degraded themselves by proving to be poor losers acting like spoiled little kids taking a bunch of temper tantrums (though I agree that Rodney King was beaten), but they also took their anger out on innocent people. Many people lost their lives and businesses and were hurt physically and emotionally cuz of their shit. So funny thought or not, I wouldn’t want a bunch of chicks beating up on a guy like Tom simply cuz some shithead beat up on her.

Now the question is should I or shouldn’t I share this with Tom? Well, he’s complained before that too many emails detract from his time spent looking for a place, and I know he’s been tired and overworked a lot lately. He was also never one to handle other people’s stress very well. He’s the type who tends to defend, play down and make excuses for who/whatever you’re angry with and can sometimes make a person feel worse afterward even if he certainly doesn’t mean to, so nah. I’ll share it with just Maliheh. I thought about sharing it with Aly, but I said enough to her about how I felt about the situation and cocks like this, so rather than risk all this writing making her uncomfortable even if I tell her it’s private, I’ll skip sharing it with her. Andy’s trustworthy, but I don’t want him to accidentally slip in public. So it will be for Maliheh and myself. I don’t want to send it to Nane cuz it’s so long, though she’s aware of the situation. Not what happened with Aly but my feelings toward men in general. I just needed to get this off my chest just like Aly needed to get it off hers. Maliheh can be trusted and she’ll understand.

Speaking of Nane, yesterday I watched her view a particular entry – and I know it was her – then turn around and ask me about it in a message. Now why would she ask me about something she just read? To try to throw me off and into thinking it wasn’t her that visited? Most people definitely don’t seem to like knowing you can see their visits. Maliheh was spooked by it, Andy was spooked by it, though he never admitted it, and Christiane denied visiting me altogether.

Later...

I was sitting here thinking about the many injustices of this world and how angry they and the system make me. I can’t right all the wrongs in the world, but what if I could “avenge” some of them? Registered sex offenders who move into the area are required to have their addresses listed online for anyone to see. All one has to do is look up these animals in any given town, city or state. These sick, incurable animals that the courts keep tossing back out at us to harm us over and over and over and over again while they get off on some technicality or because some equally twisted judge feels sorry for them because they may’ve abused as children.

But if the courts won’t do their job, should it fall upon us the people to do it for them? At the same time, these little fucks are blessed with the privilege of residing amongst us, the pigs don’t exactly feel sorry for them should bad things fall upon them.

Well, what if that bad thing was me? Yeah, what if? What if I happened by their house one day? What if they let me in, assuming a woman couldn’t hurt them? What if they were wrong? What if that woman did hurt them and take out or at least disable one more dangerous person and release a lot of anger while she was at it? What if?

howls and squeals with excitement as ideas form in her mind What if for just one night of their lives, they got to feel what their victims felt? What if? What if I let them live so they could suffer with what I did to them during those few hours I toyed and tortured them? What if I left them crying, degraded, and begging for mercy?

The problem? Well, for one I don’t drive. Secondly, Tom certainly wouldn’t approve of it. I also don’t have a weapon for those I may not be able to handle with my hands. Lastly, I wouldn’t have the guts to pull this off even if I could.

While we sometimes do end up with a pet we’re not too thrilled with and that we thought would be friendlier, it seems that house hunting is like pet hunting. You know it when you’ve found the right one. Well, although that triple-wide has its flaws and may be a bit bigger than we need and would like, I can’t seem to stop thinking about it. We’re still going to talk to people in a couple of weeks just to get a sense of what we may or may not be up against, but based on our calculations and the way they’ve been throwing so much OT at him, we could probably pay off more than half of it in September. Even if the payments were $300 a month after that, that’d be less than two years to have to pay that on top of the lot rent. That’s the only other thing I don’t like is that the lot cost is forever. Then again, it’s not literally “forever.” I can’t say for sure what’s going to happen in 11 years, but I doubt we’ll remain in NorCal forever. I don’t know if it’ll be Spain or Florida that we end up in, but doubt we’ll be here for the rest of our lives. So “forever” would really be a decade.

I really wish they’d do away with central AC/heating and install individual wall heaters and coolers in each room. That way you save energy and money, not heating rooms you don’t use often and things like that. Closing vents doesn’t cut costs; it just cuts down the airflow to a particular room.

Anyway, I can’t help but wonder if someone else will get the house before we get a chance to either hope they drop the price some more or make a play for it. And if we do, will we win it? It would probably be smarter to just forget about it and get a smaller dump on a lot that’s only $450 a month instead of $765. But I’m sick of dumps! Even if there’s money to fix it up, I’m just so sick of dumps. Yet it seems that the usual options in life unless you’re rich are to either get a cheap dump or buy something newer and nicer that may put you at risk or not allow you to save much. But with the triple-wide all paid for, the lot and utilities would be pretty comparable to this place. Here we can save an average of $500 a month and that’s without even trying, so it’s not like we wouldn’t be saving anything at all. We are going to start actually trying, though, cuz the more down payment, the merrier as it may lower the monthly payments. So no more eating out, expensive groceries or fancy nail polish for a while.

They’re OTing the hell out of him again and he just doesn’t understand why they don’t save themselves money and add a second shift to throw just a few people on. With the way California OT works, they’d save a ton of money that way. Business must be booming if they’ve got that much money to throw away. Hopefully, they won’t run out, like Tom said, for being stupid. Nonetheless, he has to work Saturday and that alone will be over $200 and buy us what will hopefully – hopefully – be the last propane fill-up.

It sure would be nice to see that house in person. A picture doesn’t always speak a thousand words. Still can’t get the house off my mind. It’s sitting there right this very moment totally empty. It’s waiting for its new owners. But who are they?

I wish the nightmares and even the dreams that are just plain old negative overall would stop. Sure I’d rather bad things happen in my dreams than in reality, but I have had dream premonitions before. Enough to rule out any coincidence. So when something broke in here in my last round of dreams (the cooler?) and Jesse said it was going to take him 10 hours to fix it when it was at the end of my day and I was ready to crash, that doesn’t exactly make for happy dreaming.

I also wish that after 3 years of pestering me that Molly would leave me the fuck alone. I still think she’s the one pestering me on Ask lately. Again, she comes to me. I don’t go to her. So if she hates me that much, based on the things she says to me, then why does she bother with me? If she’s going to keep on pestering me, though, can’t she come up with something new other than the usual 3 or 4 things she keeps telling me, like how God would be nicer to me if I were nicer to others? Besides, if this bullshit line were even true, then what about infants that are smothered by their parents? Who were they not nice to? So you see, her sense of logic is a bit twisted when you really think about it.

So much for Mommy and Daddy restricting her online privileges since they don’t seem to get that they have to ground this nut for life if they want to keep her from bothering anyone. Yes, literally for life. No amount of time off is going to change things when she’s suddenly allowed limited online access. Why don’t they get this yet??? Perhaps they just don’t want to.

This is someone who has shown to have an intense, passionate hatred for gays, bisexuals and lesbians. Well, I’ve been attracted to a few men and lots of women, so why would she want to bother with me in that case? I’ve had sex with half a dozen women in my life and sooner or later I’ll probably have sex with more. I just don’t know with who, where, when or how many there’ll be. Meanwhile, my brain is like a slut when it comes to writing the kinds of stories I write. Now why in the world should she bother wasting time with me, an “evil sinner” with a whorebag of a mind??? Really Molly, I am the unhealthiest fixation you could possibly have since you believe your conservative, hateful ways are the only correct and acceptable way to live. So instead of you and your mommy making empty threats to sue me for having the nerve to bitch about your stalkerish ways in my blog, why not actually get a life and get a job for the first time in what, 5 years? Or at least throw yourself in that group home you once mentioned so you can be with other pesky misfits like yourself.

rolls eyes and sighs I was really hoping that since Alison’s the target of her obsession, she would leave me alone since Aly deactivated on Ask, but no such luck so far. So I will only allow anonymous comments there when I think they’re less likely to come around.

I wonder why she hasn’t shown up on my blog, though. That one I just don’t get. She’s still just as obsessed with me, so if she can be curious enough to keep tabs on me on Ask, why not my blog, too? I think she is still reading it regularly but is just disabling cookies to avoid showing up on TIP, thinking it’ll make her look less stalkerish once she crosses the line enough to draw law enforcement’s attention.

looks towards Citrus Heights Hi, house, how you doing out there tonight? Feeling kind of lonely sitting all alone and empty? Aw, someone will come keep you company sooner or later. Us???

Yeah, I know, I know. Wake up and smell the coffee and look around me, right? This is reality. This was what was meant for us.

Good night, house. Sleep well.

Just had a bit of a chilling thought pertaining to a damn good cyber friend of mine that I’ve known for about 4 years now. Let’s just say that something happened that got me thinking. How well do we know our friends? How well do we really, really know them?

And who are we to say for sure just who’s on the other end of the computer? When we open ourselves to anonymous comments and questions on sites we can’t track, who can know for sure just who’s on the other side of the computer? Maybe – just maybe – it’s someone we least expect. Hell, I didn’t expect Kim was pulling the shit she was pulling on me despite knowing she wasn’t all there, and I may never have figured it out had Aly not expressed her own suspicions about the Kimbecile.

Today on Ask I got “bully” and “dont you feel guilty?” I automatically assumed it was Molly. These are her signature questions, so to speak, though I also realized it could be Kim. I’d still be willing to bet on Molly.

But right around the time I got these “questions,” Alison shut down on Ask and sent me an email saying I wouldn’t hear much from her for a while cuz things have gotten really bad for her. She said she wasn’t ready to talk about it. Just that something happened online that scared her (she said it had nothing to do with either troll) and that she would explain more when things calmed down. Meanwhile, she was taking a break from Ask and from being online as much.

I know how frustrating online trolls can be to deal with, but I hope she won’t let them get to her. I also hope she’ll eventually tell me what’s going on. I hate it when people drop hints without telling the whole story! I just hate being left in the dark and curious as hell.

Then I got to thinking about the timing of everything that happened today and while it seems like a seriously far-fetched idea, how well do we really know our friends? I’ve always considered Aly to be one of the smartest, sanest people I know. But what if? What if??? Then I say, nah, she couldn’t be “one of them” could she? God, I hope not! I’d feel even more betrayed than when I learned that after being a friend to my face, Kim was trolling me behind a mask of anonymity. That’s because she and I were even closer and shared so much more with each other. I never considered Kim a true friend in the way I considered Aly a friend. Kim was always just a borderline friend/annoyance in my eyes.

I’d still bet my money on those questions being from Molly, but again, how well do we really know our friends? It’s not something Andy would do. I’ve known the guy all my life. Whenever he plays with me he eventually lets me know it’s him. Whoever this really is, it isn’t Andy. Oh, how I would love to be able to track Ask! But that’s where the trolls go; where they know they can hide. Even if some of them make themselves obvious at times. I doubt it could be anyone else I’m close to in the U.S. or anyone in Europe. It just doesn’t seem like the type of thing they’d do… even if we can never truly know our own friends.

A group of women was bitching on Nane’s wall about how chilly it’s been lately in Germany. I said that they should come here and Christiane replied with: I’d like to come very much.

It was all I could do to keep from adding, “Would you be jealous, Nane?” LMAO!

In private, since Nane might see her as “competition” of sorts even though she’d probably never admit it, I told her that if all goes well we should be open to visitors in a few months once we have more space.

What do I like best about German ladies? They’re so tall. :) Tall, dark and lovely or not, Christiane’s always been a nice person, so why not stop by and see me when and if she visits the area? Well, because only the ugly ones would prefer to visit, that’s why.

6 pounds of muscle has now been flushed down the toilet. You definitely don’t want to build tons of muscle unless you have no body fat. Building muscle when you’re fat only makes you look and feel fatter. Oh, you could see some of the muscle through the fat, alright, but I hated being bulked out like that and not being as flexible.

In other news, thank God the dream premonitions have stopped. Sure seem to have anyway. It’s been a long time since I had one so hopefully, my dream that we were right back in the situation we were in last fall was just a nightmare and nothing more. Tom assured me it was and that it would take years to end up that way with all we’ve got saved. Well, I don’t know about that, but while the economy isn’t exactly booming, it should take even an older whitey less than 6 months to get a job these days and he’d still get unemployment for a while, too.

Mary’s release date is now pulled up to August 29th. Damn! I can just imagine the excitement she must be feeling. I just hope she isn’t going to live with any of the losers that helped put her where she’s been for the last 12 years.

I noticed a checkmark next to Nane’s message when she picked it up, then an arrow appeared. So maybe Maliheh really did pick up my message. She probably did as it makes no sense to just ignore it.

Nane had me laughing my ass off when she said that while the house I showed her looked nice, she said it looked like it was made of spit and glue. LOL! She never understood why American homes weren’t built tougher since we have our share of natural disasters here, but as I told her, even homes built to hurricane standards in Florida sometimes get taken out, and we’re pretty safe from earthquakes and other things here except for wildfires.

My weight’s been dropping like a rock since I stopped lifting and am now just sticking to running. I swear my arms are half the size they were a few days ago. I’m also dieting a little more seriously, too. It is so hard! I could eat the entire jar of Nutella straight out of the jar.

Lady Di shut down on Ask and Facebook. I guess she got sick of being harassed, though I don’t know why people picked on her so badly. I don’t think I ever saw anyone get so much shit dished at them online like she did. She probably just temporarily deactivated and will be back soon enough, though, after she’s taken a break.

Andy’s answer to Molly’s, “Why is Jodi ignoring me?” was so fucking funny, and yes, I know it was her. She makes herself rather obvious just like Kim does. Anyway, he answered with, “Because you left her hairbrush out in the sun.”

I was reading back on some of the shit I pulled in my 20s and forgot all about “Kevin H.” I not only billed calls to celebrities, but it seems I also had TV characters subpoenaed as well, LOL. In the last apartment I would ever have in Springfield, MA, Andy and I were discussing what name I should get the phone in since I was such a prankster in those days and he suggested Kevin H, a character on the Twin Peaks TV series. So he got the phone in that name since I couldn’t make myself sound like a guy when calling the phone company. The best I could do was two separate female voices. That was a few years prior to that when I was a young American female and an older English female at the same time but in a different situation. It worked, too! Anyway, being the idiot I was at the time, I got caught making prank phone calls. Only Kevin H got the subpoena and I never had to go to court! My heartfelt thanks, even after all these years, to the creator of that TV series. :)

While the Kevin H thing may be funny, the “stolen books” appearing on our credit report isn’t. I haven’t ordered introductory books and then failed to buy the required 8 or 10 books or so over the following 2 or 3 years since Phoenix! So how can it say I did this in 2010??? And where are all these books I supposedly stole??? Somebody’s fucking around somewhere and they should remember that I may not always have much muscle and I may not be very tall, but I ALWAYS have the temper from hell!!!

The overall report isn’t as bad as we thought it was, even though the two things that are on it are bullshit.

Later...

Still not sure what would be better to aim for, old and cheaper or new and costlier. Thanks to the bastard above who saw fit to curse me with a sleep disorder that would forever guarantee us two people lived on one income, it’s not like we could get just anything. Then again, it’s also not like we couldn’t get something newer and nicer and not still be able to save money. But we’d rather save close to a grand a month as opposed to just a few hundred.

Money has become much more important to me than objects after the hell we went through. So knowing the importance of money and how things could go wrong for anyone, anywhere at any given time, and seeing that I’m used to living in old dumps anyway, we should probably go for something cheap and old. It would still be better than this because it would not only be bigger and ours, but where people are hopefully made to control their dogs. It really pissed me the fuck off to hear the dogs start barking on a Monday night of all nights. I don’t know where the damn cock went, but knowing he could be out anywhere from a few minutes to all night long, I threw the sound machines on.

If we can’t escape barking in an adult community, where can we escape it??? Most have pet restrictions but so far all I’ve seen those restrictions entail is the size and the number of pets. Nothing that says you can’t toss them outside and leave them there.

You can take out a 10 and even 20-year lease that locks in the cost of the lot pretty much for the rest of your life, but again, as much as I’d love to live in something newer and nicer, we could lose it all if they laid him off. Haven’t we lost enough already? I just hate to settle (within reason) and move from one dump to another even if it may be ours, super cheap, bigger, and easy enough to fix up.

I almost want to scream when I hear 20-somethings bitch about their dishwasher or garbage disposal not working right. Well, guess what, kiddies? I’m twice your age, maybe more, and I don’t even have those little luxuries in life to complain about! Some people don’t realize how good they’ve got it till they’re reduced to such poverty and bummery as a trashy old trailer. Now that’s fucking degrading and embarrassing in some ways! Even when you know it’s not your fault and you’ve worked just as hard as others, it still has a way of really pissing the shit out of someone when you know you deserve better in life. But I didn’t ask to be born cursed with a sleep disorder any more than I asked for a lot of other shit to happen to me, and my husband didn’t ask to make a 28-month career of out unemployment. So sometimes things really are beyond our control and all we can do is make the best of it even if it’s not always easy.

There are other obstacles we may be up against too, like our lack of rent receipts. We have nothing to prove we’ve been paying rent anywhere because Jesse asked us to start paying him in cash a while back so he could hide this extra income from the Disability people he was trying to get benefits from. This was on account of a bad back that really doesn’t seem to be all that bad considering how often I see and hear him working outdoors. Hopefully, we won’t need to use him as a reference so long as we don’t take out a loan. I asked Tom why they couldn’t just call him and have him tell them we’ve lived here and rented from him, but as he said, anyone can ask anyone to say that. They want to see things on paper, not hear them from people’s mouths.

These are the kinds of things that make me wonder if our lovely God lined things up this way. Did He time Jesse’s asking us to pay him in cash with us deciding to try to buy a place? As funny as it may sound, though, buying a place, especially if it’s outright or financed through a park or an individual instead of a realtor, may actually be easier than renting. Well, so long as it wasn’t a dumpy old apartment and we certainly don’t want that. I’d still prefer the dumpy trailer to that any day!

The propane tank is down just under 20% so it looks like we’re going to have to order up another round, most of which might be left over for the next people. Why oh why must things always take longer than anticipated?

Weird just got weirder. I don’t get it. Maliheh’s changed her profile and cover photo, but my message to her is still showing up as unread. Is she ignoring it for a reason? Or is Facebook just messed up again? It just seems weird that one would change their pictures but not pick up their messages.

People are quick to be so thankful to God and to want to praise Him when good things happen, and that’s fine, but why are they hesitant to cuss Him out when bad things happen? Huh? How come He’s supposedly only responsible for the good and worthy of praise, but never responsible for the bad? Why do people “let Him off the hook,” so to speak when the shit hits the fan in our lives? Even if people aren’t comfortable with literally cussing him out, why not at least a good scolding?

Why do many give God credit where it isn’t due? God didn’t make me good with languages, I did. I did through years and years of study.

“You must be so grateful to God for the way things are going so well for you guys,” some people have said. I am, but let me point out that that same God nearly led us to our deaths last fall. Maybe there’s a God and a devil and sometimes the devil’s more powerful than God, which would mean God’s not the most powerful being in the universe most people seem to think He is. But if God and the devil are one and the same, then He’s just as responsible for allowing bad things to come our way as He is for good things. So again my question is, why don’t we hold him responsible for His part, so to speak, and let him have it when times get rough as well as praise Him when good things happen? Just wondering this is all.

Until God either had a change of heart or something more powerful like a guardian angel or our deceased loved ones stepped in and overthrew God, God toyed with our survival as if it was a fucking game that was funny as hell. And for that, I will never forgive Him. I don’t think I ever could even if I wanted to. Don’t get me wrong. I’m just as grateful for the good that’s come our way as I am angry for the past, but angry I am! Really, there’s just as much anger and hatred as there is gratitude and relief, cuz guess what? We didn’t think it was funny!

Later...

The meltdown of my muscles has begun and no, I will never do bodybuilding again! Fortunately, they start breaking down just 48 hours after your last workout. I’ll still walk and run, but no more hardcore lifting. I just hate the way the excess muscle bulks me out and cuts down my flexibility. So I stopped lifting a few days ago and my weight is dropping like a rock. I’m already much more flexible, too. I’ll just do a few ab crunches a day and that’s about it. I’ll focus mainly on cardio and not strength training.

Next, it’s on to decide if I should cut my nails off or not. They look really cool, but they really are a pain in the ass and I don’t expect them to get much longer.

I’m seeing more traces of Molly online these days and I don’t like it one bit at all. It tells me the parents are loosening their control on the sicko and that means we can expect more harassment from her soon enough. She hasn’t peeked in on my blog much lately, but I know it’s only a matter of time before there are dozens of views a day. Since I’ve got her blocked on Ask and her only choice was to ask me anonymously, I got, “Why is everyone so mean to me?” Aly got similar questions at the time as well, so it’s obvious that it’s her. That’s totally Molly’s type of “question” so she may as well sign her name to it. Anyway, I decided not to indulge in her childish shit and just deleted it.

Molly’s a sneaky little bitch, but I’m just as sneaky, hee hee. She changed her u/n on Ask so she would come unblocked and therefore able to “like” one of my answers. But I blocked her again and that automatically unliked her like. :)

I’m really surprised she doesn’t check out my blog more often unless she’s doing it in a way I’m unaware of.

Aly had me laughing my ass off the other day when we were talking about what lousy pics Kim takes. She said, “I’m no beauty queen and I know it sounds mean, but I always thought that if you added a trunk to her face she’d look like an elephant.” LMAO, that is sooo true! Funny-mean or not, it’s so true. She’s not just ugly but she’s HUGE. She’s got to be 250 pounds at the very least. I once asked her her height but didn’t get a straight answer on that one. This was before I knew what a contradictory liar she was anyway. She’s answered tall at times on Ask, then short. She claims to know Spanish, and then later says she wants to learn it. She always says she’s got blond hair too, yet clearly it’s brown.

The elephant actually surprised Aly by admitting to asking some of the crazy/mean questions on Ask, Aly told me, but another friend of hers also fessed up to some of them. I can pretty much tell who’s asking what. They make it rather obvious. The dumber and crazier they are, the more they give themselves away.

As I told Aly, who admits Kim still lies and uses her, I don’t see how she can hang onto the Kimbecile after all she’s done or even care that she doesn’t have any other friends. She doesn’t have other friends for a reason. I know I sure as hell wouldn’t care who else someone may or may not have for friends if they treated me the way she did. Maybe no friends is just what she deserves. Maybe then she’ll learn to treat people the same to their faces as well as anonymously. This isn’t “normal” playing around like she and I sometimes do to each other.