I’ll do almost anything for a friend but I was glad when Aly said she was getting as sick of scammers as I am. I would rather just block them than cart my journal entries off with them for her to do as she pleases. This way I also have the luxury and comfort of using Google Docs while lounging in bed. Before I would need both my phone and laptop which would be more convenient sitting at a desk or table.

Still going to share my journal with her. The only difference is that she’s going to get unedited and private stuff as well because she’s my bestie. I think that next to Tom, she now knows me better than even Andy and Tammy did despite not knowing her for nearly as long and this is mostly because she’s intelligent and able to retain what she learns. I know they couldn’t always help their memory issues. They may have been selfish and not always cared to listen very well, but the pot really did screw with Andy’s brain, and Tammy’s illnesses screwed with hers. I know what it’s like to have memory issues, though, cuz ever since my thyroid crashed I’ve been having issues as well. Memory is definitely not what it used to be, though sometimes it still seems like it’s better than average.

Got my tracking code embedded in the email with my journal entry, so if she doesn’t show up on my visitor list, she either lied about not hiding or her browser is automatically hiding her and she doesn’t realize it.

Still going to share some things on my main PB account, but will share on my other account stuff I don’t share there unless it’s totally private.

I don’t remember how I stumbled upon MyLife but I was both intrigued and disturbed by what I saw. Oh, I was getting my Bing points and randomly decided to search our names. A lot of the information isn’t correct or up-to-date but much of it was and I have mixed emotions about sites like this. We laughed at how it listed Tom as Christian. His family is Christian but we’re both pretty non-religious and politically we’re independent. He does believe there probably is some type of God and afterlife but doesn’t know exactly what it is. Otherwise, his attitude is like mine. To each their own as long as no one’s being harmed.

I can totally see where employers would want to look up the backgrounds of potential employees but I still don’t know if certain information should be thrown out there without the person’s permission, like their income, religious and political preferences, etc. Is it really necessary? Is it really anyone’s business? And how/why is it legal? If I put such info in my blog, I stand a chance of being sued. But it’s perfectly okay for them?

They almost got our income right but sometimes it’s a little higher. It knows he’s in Cali but it still thinks I’m in Arizona.

Naturally, I looked up people I’ve known like family members and past and current neighbors. I don’t get why it didn’t list Andy as a registered sex offender when I know he is. You have to pay to get nitty-gritty details but I’ve never bothered to do this because I’ve never been that curious about anyone and I’m not an employer looking to hire someone or a landlord looking to rent space to anyone. There are three groups of legal issues and it says you have issues in such and such a group if you do. Apparently, it doesn’t matter if you were vindicated like I was because I was flagged as having arrest and court records. The Twenties have had legal issues as well. Liens or lawsuits of some kind. It kind of sucks that even if you were vindicated of something the record is still out there in the first place, thanks to the race-card-playing black assholes that make the few good blacks look bad. I learned a long time ago that if so many people are for or against something or someone it’s usually for a reason. The only difference is that most people in most of the country have become supportive of blacks because it’s politically correct to do so and people are more concerned with making sure they fall into social norms than doing what’s right. If it suddenly became politically correct to favor or support child molesters, that’s what most people would do. Either way, the black people that screwed me are far from a rare breed and it’s sad that they have to ruin it for good people like my buddy’s boyfriend.

So I ran our lovely former neighbors and sure enough, they have everything flagged except sex crimes. I can just imagine how many people they’ve race carded that have pissed them off or crossed them in some way or at least some way that they perceive without a care in the world as to the potentially devastating and lasting effects because they know they’re living in a place and a time when they can do it and get away with it.

Anyway, enough of them. It listed Andy and Maliheh as being in the 10k-19k income range and that sounds about right. Maliheh never made much teaching guitar and Andy’s janitorial service didn’t make much either. That’s why he was canning on the side. I wonder if he’s still, at age 56, out in sub-zero temps in the middle of the night gathering cans and bottles. Poor guy! He may be an asshole in a lot of ways but what a shitty life. And always dreaming of the much younger hot man he’ll never have. :(

Tom thinks his mother died years ago and that they just don’t list every single obituary online. I find this hard to believe but anything is possible. If Marjorie is still alive, though, she would likely be broke and living in a nursing home by now since she’d be 95 years old.

Definitely not getting my hopes up since I still believe that if I were meant to find the ‘off’ switch to my anxiety, I would have found it by now, but nuts seem to help when I get a little on edge. I noticed this last night when I would get anxious and then grab a handful of mixed nuts. Almonds are listed as one of the feel-good foods for anxiety. The mix also has cashews, peanuts, pecans and hazelnuts. Fortunately, my allergies have always been restricted to dander, dust, dust mites, mold, pollen and things like that and not food. So I can get as “nutty” as I want. So many things seem to work at first, though, so it’s probably just a coincidence.

Overall it was a pretty good weekend even though I slept through most of it. He fixed the second bathroom’s sink. The stem in the drain was so corroded that it would cause the sink to back up. With the 3D printer, he’s going to print a new handle for the shower stall in there which broke. Since I don’t use the tub we took a handle from there for now. Really wish we’d upgraded the showers and the windows years ago!

I got a good story idea but I’m not sure if I have the patience to write it. I was thinking of having this woman be in prison for murdering her husband or boyfriend even though it was really self-defense. The warden likes her and she likes her back. The warden lives on the prison property and smuggles her into her home. But the warden turns out to be a real psycho with all kinds of kinky, crazy sexual demands and has a really controlling, dominating and abusive personality. Not wanting to stay with her or return to prison, the inmate escapes, somehow gets set up and makes a living as a cam girl, and eventually the warden finds her. I could end the story with her killing the warden or something like that.

Amazingly, it looks like we’re definitely on for rain in the middle of the week which should greatly help with what are the worst wildfires in the state of California, killing about 70 people. It’s so sad and so scary, too. Who knows how much longer we’re going to see and feel the smoky effects of it, although it could be a lot worse.

I want to be a cam girl. I do. But I don’t. Wish there was a way to do it minus the sexual aspect for those who just want to chat.

I’m psychic in the wrong way. I need to be psychic enough to know when I’m not going to be pestered with notifications on my phone so I can use Google Docs in peace. I turned most of my notifications off but some of them I’d really rather not disable.

Returned to Amberen but probably going to take it every other day.

Sometimes I’m a bit congested and sneezy due to the smoke from the wildfires. It was clear earlier but as we were out we noticed the smoke had rolled in. Wind must have shifted in our direction.

So why am I seeing people’s birthday wishes to others in my Facebook feed? And friends’ comments on things their friends posted to their walls? What does any of this have to do with me???

Ran out to Walgreens last night and got a few treats and then we went to Rite Aid tonight. Got some bright orange nail polish that doesn’t look that great on me since I seem to look better in darker nail polish. Stands out better against my pale skin.

As we were leaving Rite Aid I got a bad feeling and told Tom to hurry up. I don’t know why but it’s like there was a charge of negative energy in the air all of a sudden. I didn’t exactly see anything suspicious or bad happening but I’ll catch the local headlines as I always do when I’m getting my Bing points and see if anything pops out at me.

Research definitely shows that exercising when feeling anxious (as long as your heart isn’t racing) can help ease anxiety. I felt slightly wound up yesterday and did a little jogging on the treadmill and it seemed to help. So did getting out of the house. Makes me wonder, since I’ve always suspected there could be more than just one factor if there still could be something in the house causing me to feel anxious at times. I’ve never gotten the impression that it’s haunted and I’m not sure I even believe in that but maybe there’s some kind of negative energy in the house that’s affecting me. Why it would affect me and not him, I don’t know.

Even though we’re supposed to be saving money now, our first-generation Echo that’s in the kitchen and living area is having issues so we were thinking of replacing it with a $50 Dot. It sucks how things become obsolete so fast these days. My $1,100 laptop is getting old even though it’s not as I got it in 2015.

At least I got to have fun and interesting dreams for once. Andy was in one of them and I guess I was either staying with him or living with him though we had to have been in this area because he needed an endo for some reason and I recommended mine. We both needed an appointment so I told him I would try to schedule back-to-back appointments. Then I looked at him and said that at least he wouldn’t have to give me or ride and he cracked up with laughter like that was the funniest thing he’d ever heard.

Then I had a dream that Tom and I were in some place that looked like Jesse’s trailer but maybe bigger. My hair was a little below my waist and straight. We were running around playfully and he was chasing me. Then we both collapsed on the floor with me behind him. My chest was pressed against his back and I said, can you feel my heartbeat? It was pounding but in a good way.

Then he said something about wearing some kind of belt when he went out on his walk. I asked him when he was going out walking and he gave some senseless time like 1 and 1000 or something like that.

Last night ended up being a pretty shitty night. I have both anxiety and depression. I don’t know what to think anymore. I’m starting to doubt it’s the medication itself otherwise why would I have gone 10 days as I did from the 3rd to the 13th without anxiety? Now I’m thinking more in terms of my female hormones. And suicide in January after the holidays. I am seriously looking forward to life less and less. I feel like I have so much more negative than positive in so many ways. If it weren’t for Tom I would have killed myself ages ago but I know it will hurt him. But sometimes there comes a point when you have to think of yourself. I also know he would be able to move on. The question is whether or not I can get up the guts to actually follow through with it. It would be different if he was terminally ill but this isn’t a case of that. This is a case of me suffering and while that’s plenty bad enough and I definitely don’t want to get older to acquire more problems and also to have to deal with the same ongoing issues even longer, I still don’t know if I’m brave enough to end it all under these circumstances.

I looked up bipolar disorder and I don’t have any of the four different bipolar disorders. I research symptoms of several mental disorders and I just don’t have them. I still find it hard to believe that there isn’t a reason behind this. People just don’t up and acquire anxiety disorders this late in life for no reason, do they? Right at this moment, I’m leaning towards lady hormones and the sugar I had for a couple of days there. Never again will I get large candy bars! I just can’t eat like I used to. I really need to keep my sugar, sodium and cholesterol intake as low as I comfortably can.

If I could suddenly magically know that this will taper off in a year or so, I could tough it out and I could live with that. But I can’t know that. This could go on for several more years or it could be mine for life just like the extra weight and the farsightedness along with Hashimoto’s and other things. Like I said a while back, sometimes things change and they stay that way.

I’m also thinking once again of ghosting my main PB account because I feel the need to write for me and me only. This way I don’t have to filter as much and edit things. Yes, I would miss my regulars and seeing the usual people on my visitor list but I think at this point there would be more pros to writing privately as opposed to for others in addition. First of all, that so-called “valuable information” people have given me has apparently turned out to be worthless, and as I said, I like to write uncensored and without judgment. I’m not going to ghost those I’m closest to and connected to on Facebook. I’ll still keep in touch with them there. I thought about doing an entry with an explanation but then I said nah, let someone care enough to wonder what happened to me and try to get in touch with me for once rather than tell them what’s going on. Do I really owe anyone any explanations anyway?

There are actually a few things I could do. I could use my main account for writing prompts only so I can still remain in touch with my regulars, write privately there, but share things on my story account where I don’t allow for comments and only a few people, if anyone at all, should know who I am. Yeah, maybe I’ll do that. Why didn’t I think of that sooner!

Back to the shit going on with me. So I got anxious late in my day yesterday which morphed into frustration which morphed into depression. I felt better once Tom got up and I vented to him. Words can’t express how appreciative I am of him for encouraging me to continue to vent rather than hold it in. It’s just that when it gets me when I’m alone it’s easy to keep things bottled up. Besides, I always feel like I’m burdening him and bringing him down by crying on his shoulder so much so I admit I did try to choke it back a bit for a while there. So I would definitely do things differently if I were starting over. I’d also have just 2 email addies. One for signing up for things and the other for friends or for signing up for things like the patient portal.

I got up today and was worried I would be in for a shitty day since these spells are rarely brief, but surprisingly enough, after I got up and got going, I felt much better. So maybe the Liothyronine will if not make me a hundred percent perfect, it will make me less anxious less often. Tom still believes it will go away one day but not just like that. It won’t turn itself off like a switch but gradually taper off. But unless my body is doing something in particular that’s causing the meds to make me this way, I’m now starting to doubt the meds. Don’t get me wrong. Jumping to 88 micrograms would definitely cause severe anxiety attacks. But that included a booming racing heart. This is different. It’s a different kind of horrible and when I’m going through this nightmare I’m finding that I want to just beat my head in the wall and I literally have to exercise self-restraint to keep myself from doing something stupid. I don’t want to hurt myself. If I’m going to do anything to myself I want to kill myself as quickly and as painlessly as possible. Not fuck myself up and give myself more problems and suffering.

These words are a little too intense to share publicly from my bogus account so I’ll keep this strictly private. Well, as private as the Internet can possibly be. The site owners may be reading private stuff but so be it. I just really like the idea of dropping most of what I write on the public in a way that they can see it but not say anything about it. I’m tired of the “advice” and feeling like I have to stifle certain topics that are more controversial simply because others may disagree with me.

Anyway, Tom and I are going to be going out to the drugstore later. He’s getting some sleep first. He crashed after I showered and started the laundry.

Tom soldered the electrical parts on the musical dollhouse kit. Time to start putting the final pieces together and be done with this long, tedious and very difficult project!

Made a red tube dress out of a red balloon for Dasha, my other porn star action figure.

They’re finally handing out masks at work due to the smoke as they should’ve done a week ago.

You’ve got to be fucking kidding me! I thought to myself last night at 12:30. I thought we were done with the motorcycles tearing through here in the middle of the night for a few months. It was 42° out! It sucks that I’m the only one bothered by this shit too, and that no one complains. I’m kind of tempted to do so, though I know it wouldn’t do me any good. It’s frustrating to live in a park that so obviously doesn’t give a shit about its residents. They could do something about the motorcycles but they choose not to so that’s why I haven’t complained. I know they won’t do anything. Part of me wants to confront whoever it is but I know that they too, won’t give a shit. Life has changed and so have adult communities. I have mixed emotions about never being able to go back 30 years or so. 30 years or so things were much quieter and there were fewer people, but technology sure did suck. There’s no going back though of course, so no matter where we live, it’s always going to be noisy. And if it starts off not being too bad, things will change. They always do.

My new noise-canceling headphones help but they’re heavy and clunky. I think at night I’ll just run air cleaners to drown out sound and save those for daytime noise which is louder with the exception of motorcycles, of course.

Tonight hasn’t been too bad thanks to having the air cleaner running on my desk and maybe the direction of the wind, but sometimes I’ll hear a plane or a big rig on the freeway. What I don’t get is the constant steady stream of traffic on the freeway that goes on and on all night long. We’ve been out in the middle of the night and there are way fewer vehicles on the road at 3 AM. So where is all this traffic coming from when I’m home at night?

Sometimes living with constant noise both day and night really wears me down. Even in the noisiest of places I’ve lived in in the past, I at least got peace at night for the most part. Also, many of the things I hear at this place, I didn’t hear there. Here there are so many different sources of noise and rarely do I get a pocket of silence where I get to hear nothing at all. I’m constantly forced to listen to noise. I’m forced to literally make noise in order to drown out noise by having to sleep with earbuds hissing white noise since my noise is still preferable to other people’s noise if I have to listen to noise at all. There’s always, always something. The only things we don’t get here are screaming kids and barking dogs, though I do hear car stereos on and off from the freeway. Those are worse in warmer weather. It’s 40° right now. We may get some rain over Thanksgiving. We need it!

Started to feel a little on edge yesterday, maybe due to the extra sugar I had. Today, although it’s just barely, I’m borderline anxious so I took a second magnesium capsule to see how it affects me. Two is the recommended dose anyway. If my anxiety escalates in the coming days and I’m still getting light-headed, I’ll probably drop the magnesium and return to Amberen. Really hope to hell this doesn’t happen! If it does then there’s either something about the medication no matter what the dose, menopause, something we don’t know about, or just the way I am as an older person, in which case all I can do is just learn to live with it and enjoy whatever days I can get off from it. I think I’m a touch down now with cabin fever, too. I need something different to throw into the mix of good things I’ve got going for me every now and then but I don’t know what that should be. Even if I did drive, where would I go? Where would I go right now by myself at 11 PM?

Wish I would stop getting all these backaches, too. I’m not sure what’s causing them but I’m making a point of working my core more often. Could be my mattress which is starting to sag a bit. Coil mattresses are definitely not the way to go. Being older and fatter I don’t trust that I wouldn’t get backaches on waterbeds, so I’m definitely going to get a good airbed one of these days, similar to what we had in Arizona. For now, I will go to bed on my saggy coil at around 7 AM and hope that the garbage trucks I never had to worry about waking me up in the past don’t wake me up…even with the earbuds. :-(

I’m trapped in the bedroom now by a robot, LOL. Yeah, Roomba’s vacuuming the living room so I’m in the bedroom while I’m doing this entry on Google Docs.

Walmart delivered groceries today and they included a surprise goodie bag. One item was a fruity Matchbox car. They have a series of Matchbox cars with their logo on them and a piece of fruit on the roof. This one was an orange.

There were also small travel-size bottles of lavender-scented shampoo and conditioner, plus a few snacks.

Really worried about the way Tom overeats to the point that he feels nauseous. He does this at least once a week. I overeat at times too, but rarely to the point that I feel sick. I may get heartburn from greasy stuff but not nauseous unless I have a tummy bug or a mild case of food poisoning like I think I recently had. I still feel faint cramps in my upper tummy but it’s definitely better. I just wish he wouldn’t stuff himself with so much crappy food! He lives on salt, sugar and grease. I’m amazed his only health problem is high blood pressure. Seriously, I eat healthier than he does, and am less overweight, yet I have a handful of problems. Better me than him but I don’t want this shit to catch up to him eventually and make up for lost time!

With our Walmart order, I got a bag of cheap balloons and let Tom wonder what I was going to do with them for a while. LOL. Well, I saw a hack on YouTube about - OMFG, why is it always when I go to use Google Docs that people have to distract and annoy me by butting in with their fucking comments, messages, etc! Some of them I can turn off but others I can’t figure out how to disable and I get banners popping up top with their messages and it really annoys the hell out of me at times. As I was saying, I saw someone cut out the tip of a balloon and stretch it over an old Barbie to make a tube dress. When I took out a pink balloon to make one for my 7-inch porn star doll, Julie Meadows, since I don’t really like dolls that are completely naked, I realized there was no way I was going to be able to stretch it over her body. But then I cut the tip off the balloon, which is the tightest part of it, and was then able to make her a little pink mini skirt. Then I took a blue balloon, since I didn’t have a purple one, and snipped a piece to serve as a strapless halter. It looks way cool!

Tomorrow he’s going to solder the wires to the rotating musical base of the dollhouse and then I should finally be able to finish it little by little. Definitely never getting one of these kits again although it would have been done a long time ago had I gotten just a single room and not an entire house.

If the dream I had meant anything, then I now know the month we’re going to move but not the year. In the dream, I suddenly started exclaiming to Tom, “OMG, OMG, OMG!” Then I told him I knew we would be moving in September. Only in the dream that was just a few months away and I was talking about the next September for sure.

All I remember for other dreams isn’t quite enough to make sense of… Swimming in a pool with some people and looking down at a rusty drain on the bottom… My mother alive and appearing to have side effects from some medication that made her eyes teary and me telling her to report the side effects on the patient portal.

Okay, Kim and Aly. I’m using Google Docs now so go ahead and annoy me with texts. I could turn off Aly but I can’t find a way to turn off Kim. I can disable the notification sound but I can’t stop the little banner showing the start of her texts from popping up and annoying the hell out of me.

Anyway, until they distract me, this is the second day in a row that I’m kind of tired and I wonder if that too, could be from stopping the Amberen but it’s more than likely because I didn’t sleep as well last night. All last night I had horrible upper stomach cramps coming and going in waves and I wonder if something was wrong with the banana I had. I also had it the day before. Had a banana that day too, so I dumped the rest.

It could also be that I’ve been eating way too many vegetables and all that fiber is getting to me. If that’s the case, how do vegans stand to be vegan? I just hope it’s not the magnesium and I really hope it’s not the Liothyronine. I think it’s likely a mild case of food poisoning and too much fiber. That’s okay because I just went and ordered everything I’m not supposed to eat, LOL. I realized it’s kind of ridiculous to kick out the cholesterol so far in advance of labs, anyway. Of course it would be healthier for me to do that regardless but we don’t always do what’s best for us in the first place, do we? I think that just a couple of weeks before labs should be plenty of time enough to lower my cholesterol levels.

Yesterday I had nausea and I wondered if I was going to end up puking and having the runs but I didn’t. Rolaids helps a little with heartburn but not with that. I remember this from when I had a really bad case of food poisoning and how worthless they were. But I had to try something. I found that when I finally had a couple of slices of bread that helped a bit more. Hopefully, it won’t get as bad as last night. I spent most of yesterday in bed so I didn’t get much done. Really hope tomorrow I have my energy back, too. Still get light-headed until I take my vitamins and magnesium.

Anyway, I don’t know if I hot flashed or if I was just too bundled up but I started to overheat in my sleep and my heart started to pound a bit so I got up at 7am, a few hours after crashing. I Skyped Tom while in the bathroom after I peed (I usually keep the phone on the bathroom counter) telling him that I really hoped I could get back to sleep otherwise my schedule would be screwed. He replied right away saying I would be fine, and then I downed a tiny sip of baby Benadryl. Just as I was knocking off without reinserting the earbud in my good ear, some loud car, probably the fucking Subaru, woke me up. So I shoved that back in my ear and slept till 2. Now I worry my schedule is pushing ahead too fast but as Tom reminded me, it will go back and forth until my appointments and I’ll be okay. 33 days to go as of midnight! Then hopefully I won’t have any more appointments until my March dental check-up.

I hadn’t even been up 9 minutes when I already heard 4-5 planes and that loud car. Really don’t like this car coming around more often again. I always worry they’re going to move back in. The last thing I want to do is go from hearing it 2-4 times a day to 6-8 times a day.

The planes are definitely the worst they’ve ever been since we’ve lived here. For a few hours, there were dozens of them. Just one after another and I’m like stop it already! Just stop. Now I only hear the freeway. I’m sure the planes will pick up again at some point. We can’t even go one fucking hour without hearing at least one or two. This worries me because if they can suddenly be flying this close, they can get even closer and to the point that the vibration can be felt in the house. No way I could sleep through that any more than I could the sonic booms in Maricopa. I was thinking of calling the airport and trying to find out what’s going on just out of curiosity.

Tried again to order the Jack Russell Terrier statue and again they canceled the order. For a minute I wondered if these people thought they had some kind of personal vendetta against me but obviously, they’re out of stock and the idiots don’t know how to take down the offer for the damn thing. It would have been nice if they had the decency to message me about it, too.

I showed Ask a screenshot of the annoying videos running on my profile that really slow me down when I use the laptop and they said they would forward it to their developer to check into. Were they not aware of these videos or something?

It’s been so cold here. Especially at night. I wish I could jump into the fish tank so I could be in a 77° space instead of a 72° space. It’s amazing how much 5° can really make a difference. I get cold easily and I’m definitely more comfortable in a room closer to 80° rather than 70°. I’m always bundled up and sipping hot drinks which really sucks. I hate long sleeves, too. I’m a sundress or tank top and shorts kind of person. Bare feet with bright nail polish and shiny toe rings are also preferable to socks and slippers.

Every now and then I will have a particularly unpleasant memory pop into mind at random. Last night it was jumping out the window at Valleyhead. Sometimes I imagine different possible outcomes. Imagine the guilt my mother would have felt if I’d tried again and succeeded while I was still there. Oh, she would have put plenty of the blame on me and the staff but I can’t believe she wouldn’t have felt some guilt. When life is at its roughest I sometimes wish I’d done just that not just to spare myself from so much grief in life but just so she could suffer the guilt. That fucking bitch felt guilty for all the wrong reasons. The only time I remember her really expressing any real guilt was over my ear, something out of her control. It may have been from her smoking since smoking does cause birth defects but I don’t know if they were as aware of that back in the 60s. It’s what she could have controlled that she should have felt guilty about. Really, if there is a heaven and a hell I hope she’s suffering in every way imaginable in hell. If there is such a thing as reincarnation, I hope she’s some poor Iranian girl getting the shit kicked out of her before she grows into a woman that is abused in all the usual ways a woman is abused and then some!

Sometimes I wish I could start over again and not be known by anyone in cyberspace. I would still want to know Aly and those I’m connected to on Facebook for the most part but I would love to automatically be a stranger to everyone on Prosebox because then I could share more freely and disallow comments. This way I wouldn’t have to deal with the kinds of comments that saying I sometimes wish I’d committed suicide would certainly generate. But I would feel guilty if I suddenly ghosted my friends there, and as a few people have taught me, you never know what valuable info you may be given. Otherwise, if it weren’t for that, I could just go private for a few years and give people time to forget me. Then I could return with a new name and not allow comments.

I think another reason I’m holding off on giving the drama queen and her brood a piece of my mind is that there is a tiny part of me left that hesitates to let go of what remaining family I have, even if biology is just biology. It’s not what truly makes someone “family.” It will be interesting to see if any of them remember my birthday but I have a feeling I already know the answer to that.

Why is it that I’m either able to think of more than one title for an entry and have to decide which one to choose, or I just can’t think of a single title at all?

I never want to sing anymore, I never have crushes anymore, I never get horny anymore… I feel like so much of what made me the person I am is slipping away. I’m just grateful that I’m calm right now. Enjoying the freedom from the anxiety while it lasts.

And when will I die? I still wonder about this more than I should. Will I die of a heart attack or a stroke before he dies? Will I get cancer before he dies? Will we kill ourselves together because we’ll learn he’s terminally ill? Will I have to kill myself alone because he died unexpectedly?

Definitely getting more light-headed more often since stopping the Amberen and while I highly doubt it was responsible for my anxiety, I do want to hold off a bit longer and see if it will either go away on its own or I’ll get used to it. I do feel better after I’ve taken my multivitamin, vitamin D, and magnesium but I can’t do that until 4 hours after the Levothyroxine.

Another thing I’m trying to figure out that sucks is when the best time to go to the lab would be. The problem is that in order to get my schedule to line up with appointments, it’s off for labs. So I’m either going to have to go further in advance and hope the order is in that soon or cut it close. I think Tom’s probably right about Dr. A’s lab order being available after the 1st. Therefore, we should probably go earlier rather than cut it close and go on Saturday as that would be just two days before the appts. Would really be nice if the appts. were on a Wednesday! It wouldn’t matter with Dr. A so much if my results weren’t available when I saw her but it would be pretty pointless to go to Dr. O without any results. Why don’t these assholes send a notification not only reminding us to go to the lab but so we know exactly when the order is ready?

When Eileen, Kim from MA, and Sandra from TN, all fail to remember my birthday on Facebook as I’m pretty sure they will, I’m definitely going to delete them. I’ll make an exception for neighbors as Tom said he would, but I really don’t care to have deadbeat Facebookers on my friend list. I don’t know why I’m so picky about that but I am. If you’re not going to interact with me at least sometimes, then I don’t see the point in being connected there.

This may sound funny but I’m actually finding it rather therapeutic to write letters to those who have pissed me off that I know I’m never going to send. It’s different than writing about shit they’ve caused after the fact in my journal as opposed to speaking directly to them even if they’ll never see it.

But maybe Tammy and her brats can see some things. I’m still going back and forth in my mind between coming fully clean with these selfish liars on things. Things I’ve been kind enough to keep to myself for so long that I sometimes long to tell them. Well, once I see that my sister was full of shit about dying, I just may do that. I’ve held back, not wanting to hurt their feelings but since they haven’t shown a damn bit of regard for mine, why should I care about theirs? Again, biology is no ticket to being able to bullshit me and get away with it. Or the other shit they’ve done. You don’t get to do that no matter who you are without losing me and I’d say I’ve caught the bitch in enough lies. There’s no reasoning with these people either. They’re just so stupid and stubborn that there’s simply no getting through to them. These are the kinds of people that see only their side of things and that’s it. So yeah, I just might wait a while and basically play it by ear, so to speak, and go by how I feel day by day, and then share some things with them. I know they’re very fragile, emotional, vindictive and aggressive people but I don’t care. Maybe I should wait till we move, though, since Tammy may run to the piggies, but that didn’t stop her from finding me when we left Phoenix. Besides, I truly did threaten Bill both verbally and in print back then. This is totally different and without the slightest threat involved. I don’t want to kill them. I don’t want to beat them up. I don’t want bad things to befall them. I just want to vent and tell them how I really feel…even if they still won’t get it, believe it, or want to hear it.

The rats look so bad I’m amazed they’re still alive. Poor Simon is withering away and very weak and worn out. It’s a real struggle for him to get around. Dumbo drags his back leg like it doesn’t work anymore and I’m not sure why. He’s not exhibiting other signs of having had a stroke but I don’t know. They certainly can’t have much longer to go, though.

Was thinking about the question I was asked on Ask about what color my nails were at the moment which I was so sure was from Aly. I was surprised when she told me it wasn’t. If this is true, it makes me wonder if there’s someone else hanging around there that knows me. It just seems like the person who asked it knows I polish my nails regularly. Doesn’t seem like the type of question Andy would ask and Tatiana, who I haven’t heard from in ages, usually addresses me in German.

Speaking of that ugly language, it may be ugly, but it was a hell of a cool feeling to be able to translate for one of my Austrian friends (Elisabeth’s brother Siegfried) on Facebook the other day without having to look anything up. The effects of Nane still live on, LOL.

Earlier I was telling Tom that I really wish he hadn’t stuck pieces of velcro tape on the paneling above the front living room windows now that we know it won’t hold the big screen he wants to use with the projector since trying to remove them would damage the paneling. But then he went and got a blow dryer, and to my surprise, after he heated the adhesive, he was able to pull them off without damaging that fucking old-fashioned paneling I hate so much. I don’t care much about this house because we won’t be here forever but I still care somewhat and don’t want it to look shitty either.

I had a dream that he and I were living in a two-story house with a garage. I was upstairs in one of the bedrooms that I’d made into an office of sorts. It was nighttime and the house was dimly lit.

There was a pair of panties hanging in the middle of the room and I decided they looked funny there so I yank them down and threw them aside.

I then realized it had been almost an hour since Tom Skyped me about leaving and that he should be home to start our one-week vacation. I began to worry a bit, and for some reason, I thought I should make the house as quiet as possible. I don’t know what it was I thought I should hear. Maybe his car approaching? So I turned things off upstairs and then ran downstairs and started turning fans off and things like that. When I did, I could hear a DJ or talk show host talking on some radio that had been left on too soft to hear over the fans and other things that had been running.

I glanced out the front window and thought I saw the tail lights of a car. I hoped that was his car pulling into the garage.

A split second later he was home and I was relieved. Some woman was with us and they were both teasing me and trying to brainwash me into believing it was only Thursday and not Friday. Therefore there was still one more day before vacation.

Then I got a little angry and Tom began to mock me about that and how I reacted in a similar manner when we were out having dinner with Marty, Ruth and some other people. Ruth had asked me some question regarding kids and I said, “I have no idea” in a snotty tone of voice.

Defensively, I said that she had kept asking the same question over and over again and that’s why I’d gotten irritated.

I now have 16,234 Pins on Pinterest and my state is on fire! Wildfires in Malibu, wildfires up north, wildfires all over the state! :-( The northern fires are about 75 miles north of us and in the afternoons the sky takes on a goldish tint and the air is smoky. We’re staying indoors and have all the air cleaners running full blast.

Despite the smoky afternoon yesterday, some asshole was still content to sit outside gunning his fucking motorcycle. The planes rarely take a break, but Sundays are our day off from hearing much of the freeway so it’s nice to get a break from that. Believe it or not, I don’t think I heard any landscaping today which is highly unusual. The latest trend is that the commercial planes are at their worst in the early morning hours. It’s like they’ve replaced the smaller planes not that we don’t still hear those.

Went to Walmart yesterday morning before the smoke rolled in and picked up my prescriptions for both thyroid medications. Although I don’t want to get my hopes up too soon, it’s rather ironic that after reapplying the Return to Sender spell and gathering a bundle of bamboos in seven (that combination is supposed to aid with health), I start feeling much better. :-)

It’s also ironic that if by some miracle this was it, the anxiety lasted on and off for 4 years and 4 months. That number is so beyond unlucky! I highly doubt this is it, though. When has it ever been “it?”

I had a dream we were renting one of my childhood homes of all places (the one I lived in when I was older). In the dream, I was lying in bed one cold gloomy day reading a book. I was reading a paper book and worried that I was going through it too fast. Not sure if I didn’t have any other books to read or if money was tight.

In real life, one probably wouldn’t put a bed on the exterior wall I had the bed on not just due to the bitter cold winters but because of the way the chimney threw off the angle of that wall.

Tom was at work while I lay there reading. We rented the house because I felt cheated out of the time I could have lived in it when my mother gave me up in my teens, and I always liked that house a lot better than the first one. But then realized I was sick of the place and the climate and couldn’t wait to move on.

Last night’s dreams were pretty weird. I was having dinner at someone’s place that I sensed was in a high-rise of some kind. There were at least half a dozen people, including kids. At one point I was admiring a vase of bamboos that was much bigger than anything I’d ever seen before. It looked slightly different as well and I hoped I would one day be able to grow mine as big.

Then I had this weird dream about watching a video where this robotic front-body massager would crawl on top of a person’s face as they lie on their back in a recliner, then crawl down their chest, down their legs, and then jump back up and repeat the process.

Got the fairy figurine yesterday that’s called Fishing for Riddles. I love Selina Fenech sculptures but I think she’s way overpriced. $50 is a bit much for something this small as lovely as she is. I don’t think it should be more than $20 or $30. So I won’t be collecting any more of her stuff at least for quite a while since we do need to start saving and get ahead once again after so many unexpected expenses have come up. He’s even low on days off. He only has 3 available days where he usually has a week or two.

The $30 cat and mouse, called Bits and Pieces, with a black cat on a tree stump gazing down at what actually looks like a squirrel with a rat’s tail (haha) at the base, is outstanding! Great size as well. It’s pretty big.

Disappointed not to get the Jack Russell but oh well. They never did tell me why they canceled the order or responded to my question about it. At this point, I wouldn’t want to do business with them anyway.

So now all we’re waiting on is the Smart thermostat and the beach shower curtain for the master bathroom.

Later…

Carolyn was telling someone that she moved to CH to be closer to her kids. A pang of both admiration and sadness overcame me to read this. How sweet that she wants to be close to her kids but how sad it was that my own mother was just the opposite. She couldn’t get far enough away from me and I could never be far enough away from her.

When I was living in Massachusetts in my early twenties, broke, single and on disability, I told my mother how I wanted to move to Florida like she and dad did because I hated the cold and snow as well. That was when she informed me that she didn’t want me living close to her.

I know. Pretty fucking insulting, huh? This was far from the only time she said such mean, cruel, hurtful and insulting things about not wanting me around. The family gatherings I was never invited to, the way she kept her phone number from me for a while, the way she gave me up to the state in my teens, the way she’d always ship me off to camp and various places in my preteens… The list goes on and on. So this wonderful statement was really nothing new from her, but being the kind, tolerant and forgiving person that I was back then, I put up with it and didn’t think much of it. If I was anything like I am now and have been for many years, I would have walked away for good and never looked back. Instead, I waited till my early 30s to stay away for a decade.

She was just one of those women who never liked or truly wanted kids. Even she admitted one day back in the '90s that if she and dad had to start all over she would’ve had one kid instead of three or perhaps none at all. But being in the '50s and '60s and the fact that being “normal” was so important to her and how she looked, she had three of us.

It’s no wonder she discouraged me several times from having kids although I assure you it was my choice in the end. I totally get where she knew that I loved life and living and that I valued my freedom and couldn’t have afforded children anyway when I was younger and all that, but I think deep down she just didn’t want to deal with any additional grandkids other than what she had from Larry and Tammy.

As time went on, she was one of the growing numbers of women who wanted to remind other women that there was more to life than just having kids and that a woman could be just as happy without them, and I was, but my decision had nothing to do with her. Skipping marriage and kids has become very common in the US, especially marriage, but if I was suddenly young all over again and I wanted kids, I would have them whether it was “in” or not.

Got the new headphones and they work great! Comfy but a bit heavy and clunky. They’re a nice shade of blue. Their pink pair didn’t look pink at all. Even the green was nicer. That would have been my second choice. They make things significantly quieter but you can still hear things. If something went by that was really loud like a motorcycle, I’m going to hear it. The point is to lower the number of things that distracted me. I’d say it cuts down a good 70 to 80% of the general volume of things. Really wish I had these when I was living in apartments! No way I could sleep with the things, though, unless I was always lying on my back, which I wouldn’t be. So it’s great that I have them but a little sad that the world has come to this in the first place. Just way too many loud vehicles these days and way too much activity in the park. Again, even the seediest of places I’ve lived weren’t anything like this. It’s the craziest thing ever. I have the headphones paired with my laptop so I can run the soft hiss of white noise through them while they cancel most of the background noise out. Just the canceling part alone should be sufficient enough as long as no one was working on anything that was either really loud or close by.

The headphones came a day late, and for reasons no one has explained to me, they canceled the order for the Jack Russell Terrier statue. I’m kind of pissed because I was looking forward to that but for the last part of our fun spending, before we really discipline ourselves and start saving again, the fantasy fairy and cat and mouse statues will be here today. So will the new thermostat.

They don’t want anyone working overtime at work for the rest of the year because the company is broke, Tom said. Well, of course, they don’t. I’m feeling better and we need to save. If I was feeling like shit and we had plenty of money, we’d be back to the days of him being gone for 12 hours. It still pisses me off that he had to work that long while I was going through the worst years of my life back in 2014-2015.

When 70-year-old Polly in New Zealand said she would “bite her tongue” in regards to all the perfume I collect, it was a reminder that even the most innocent of things can be frowned upon and judged. She admits she can be rather preachy at times. I keep most of my purchases to myself because it’s no one’s business anyway, but I refuse to go away completely so I don’t have to hear shit about whatever. I don’t want to ghost my friends and I don’t want to chance missing out on what may be very valuable information like what I got about the Liothyronine, the magnesium supplements, and hopefully the raw apple cider vinegar, just because a few people may either not agree with something I say or they envy me.

I’m still stable and have been since the 3rd but I don’t want to get my hopes up and think this is it and we finally found the answer to getting rid of most if not all of my anxiety.

Since running my Word documents through Word’s own spelling and grammar checker to get things that Grammarly missed, I replaced the journals that I had scheduled to launch on my would-be 100th birthday. I just pulled the date up a decade because I’m almost certainly not going to make it to 80, let alone 90. If Tom makes it to his late 80s then maybe I’ll make it to my 80s but since he’s likely to go around 85, that puts me around 77. So my journals will begin publishing bit by bit on December 4, 2055.

Walked 50 minutes on the treadmill and was pretty sweaty afterward even though it was only 70° in here. From now on I should work out in shorter segments or be prepared to hit the shower afterward!

I had this dream that we were living in a small two-bedroom house with a basement. The dream was so clear that it’s one of those that makes me wonder about a possible glimpse into another dimension. I could see the layout of the place clearly. It was small, square and simple. My room and the living room on one side, his room and the kitchen on the other. Between the kitchen and his room was the door to the basement even though I never actually saw it in the dream. I just knew they were there, though.

We were hanging out in the living room when this squirrel came hopping in that we knew had been coming up from the basement and underneath the basement door. It was a friendly squirrel and it wanted to be sociable but I was a bit cautious around it until I could be sure it wouldn’t nip me.

Time seemed to suddenly jump in the dream and then it was nighttime. I was either going to bed or woke up to pee. I opened my bedroom door and saw the kitchen door was shut and automatically knew he shut it to keep the squirrel from possibly clawing at my door and waking me up should it decide to visit us again. I looked across from my door to his door and could see light glowing underneath so I figured he might still be awake and on his computer.

Then I had a dream that my parents were alive and I didn’t know Tom. They paid to send me to summer camp. I happened to be on a day schedule when I arrived, and although I was having loads of fun, I was really worried about how the hell I would manage to keep a schedule throughout the entire summer. Yet I had to be there. I don’t know why but I had no choice and simply couldn’t leave.

Today makes 2 weeks on Liothyronine. So far so good. Still no way I’d count on the anxiety not returning, though. The past always has a way of coming back to haunt me. Always. HR gets a little racy at times at about 110 but doesn’t last long. The last time was in the hot shower so that makes sense

Glad the Dems regained control of the House. Not big on politics but I know it’s never good to have one group in control of everything.

My one last treat before we buckle down and save money for the better part of a year is a pair of noise-canceling headphones to wear around the house during the daytime. The world simply isn’t going to get any quieter. They were supposed to arrive yesterday but have been delayed.

I am still going to get my monthly perfume samples despite saving on other things. Got my Shalimar sample yesterday and am not sure if I like it. It reminds me of Emeraud with a weird twist.

Ran into Virginia yesterday. She asked if we were going on vacation soon and I told her that it would be delayed due to unexpected expenses. I asked if they were going on vacation anytime soon and she said they didn’t have any family left and I guess Bob doesn’t want to drive long distances. I think they feel they’re getting too old for traveling, understandably.

I love doing the things I do on a regular basis but sometimes I get sick of doing the same old fucking things every fucking day of my life. I would love to throw some variety in there but variety costs money. Usually, anyway. I kind of wish Kathleen would call and break up the monotony but I know damn well she won’t. I just don’t see what she gets out of blowing off my offers to get together in the past and then asking for a number she knows she’ll never call. I never could see the fun in that but people do it all the time, apparently even older people. So much for thinking this was mostly a young people thing.

So after being thanked by Marie for the wolf pics I sent her since those are her fave animals, I’m randomly hit with how much she has too much self-respect to deal with lies and bullshit and that if I don't reply she'll just walk away.

What lies and bullshit was I supposedly hitting her with??? I don't understand this random paranoia.

Then she blocked me and I blocked her in return. Although it was her choice to walk, I’m glad she did. I’m so sick of and so over her senseless shit. Call me mean, call me cruel, call me whatever but I have ABSOLUTELY HAD IT with that girl’s drama and random mood swings that come out of the blue for no apparent reason after everything seemed fine with her and her life. I also got sick of her deleting and creating one bogus account after another. I know she’s crazy with a handful of psychiatric problems and diagnoses and can’t help the way she is but she’ll obviously never change. It seems no medication can change her either. The immaturity, the paranoia, the drama, the delusions… I’ve had enough! I will never seek her out again or acknowledge any future contact with her.

Later…

Today’s annoyance - so far as it’s only 8am - is Bob & Virginia having their carpet cleaned which takes about an hour. Can’t hear it as well in the bedroom, which I moved into. This is my daytime office anyway.

I really need to invest in some noise-canceling devices similar to what he uses! But say I don’t want to listen to music. Say I just want peace and fucking quiet. Are there any noise-canceling devices that will drown out outside racket without me having to replace that racket with music? I’m just tired of being forced to do this or do that in order to live in peace. I don’t want to be forced to listen to music if I don’t want to listen to it just because others can’t shut the fuck up. So what are my options?

I’m learning that living with those with money can be just as noisy as living with the poor. The poor think they need to be noisy simply because they’re poor which I don’t get any more than why a lesbian would want to look like the men she’s not attracted to. The problem with those with money is that they can afford loud services.

Got a lot to catch up on that’s been going on over the weekend and most of it is good. That’s because it involves shopping, LOL. But it’s even better in that I haven’t had any anxiety over the weekend as well. Hoping it lasts but knowing it won’t. :( I’m sure tomorrow I’ll have my usual Monday morning anxiety as he heads off to work for the week.

It was very discouraging to read that you can have menopausal symptoms for 4-5 years after you’ve gone a year without a period. To think that I might have another half a decade of suffering from anxiety on and off makes me want to scream!

I’ve been a little more lightheaded since stopping the Amberen but as long as I stay calm I don’t want to return to the Amberen just in case it may have had a hand in my anxiety even though I don’t think it did. Better to be lightheaded than anxious.

He just left and I’m fine with it because he’s only going to pick up his blood pressure medication.

We discussed the insurance plan we’re going to switch to. It has the potential to save us money in the end, but we don’t know for sure yet.

After doing the math he realized it would cost the same for us to drop our eye insurance and just pay for it ourselves rather than have them deduct a little for that from his pay. This way we can go when we want and get new frames every year for variety. Before it was every other year that we could get new frames.

Yesterday we went to Sam’s Club and got some bulk items. One of the things I got was this colorful display of 12 different mini boxes of cocoa with two large sturdy white mugs with embossed snowflakes. The flavors are toffee, creme brulee, toasted marshmallow, chocolate truffle, candy cane, eggnog, caramel cream, cookies and cream, tiramisu, double chocolate, dark chocolate gingerbread, and sugar cookie.

At Sam’s, I got these awesome crab rangoons. I shouldn’t be having anything with cholesterol but it’s not that bad.

I also got several goodies coming today in the mail, including a few yoga figurines and a bronze ballerina.

He decided to order a smart thermostat which should be way cool, pardon the pun. Definitely like having a smart home! There are still a few things we could afford to “smarten” up, though, like the bedroom fan and air cleaner. The laundry room light, too.

Fucking Mojave disabled my hotkeys when I upgraded and so we thought something was wrong with them at first.

I’ve been paranoid about flossing my teeth after pulling off one of my crowns so I got my Waterpik set up again and I’m using that instead. It may not be as thorough as regular flossing since it doesn’t hit the contact areas but it’s better than nothing.

Yesterday we tightened my progressives at the hinge and also used the steamer to warm up the arms and bend them inward a bit. The lenses are still too tall but they are good for seeing long distances. Just not as good for reading and doing things close up but I have single-vision lenses on the way for that.

What else did we do yesterday? Oh, we shined up some crystals and our wedding bands in the ultrasonic cleaner. He cleaned his electric razor as well.

This morning we went to Walmart, grabbed a few groceries, and he replaced his broken shoelaces. They’re a little short so he’ll have to order a longer pair online.

I also got a horribly uncomfortable but awesome pair of Shoe Beatz for just five bucks. They’re silvery metallic high-tops with a built-in Bluetooth speaker. I paired it with my phone so I can play music through them. They’re just not very comfortable and I don’t like the bright blinking light either.

Even though we don’t really need a funnel I got a clear funnel with gold glitter in it that looks cool. I’m sure I’ll have a use for it at some point, though, and definitely the utility catcher we also got. Many times I’ll have a dirty utensil I don’t want to place right on the counter and wish I had one of these. I’m not sure of the proper name for it but it’s decorated with colorful dots and definitely something we could use.

Changed the rats’ cage. They’re SO old and definitely can’t get around well. We also replaced half the betta’s water. His ammonia test strips will arrive today.

You only need to do 2 things to “qualify” for my friendship, so to speak, I told someone who asked about friendship on another site. Accept me as I am and be honest. Well, it’d be nice if you weren’t a criminal either. Then again, if those I’m closest to suddenly confessed to breaking the law, even in a serious way, I wouldn’t rat them out. But the answer to the question is still pretty simple…don’t lie to me and take me as I am. Bullshit me or try to change me into the friend you want or the person you think I should be and I’m gone. I have zero tolerance these days for that sort of thing. Things I would either put up with in the past or let people get away with after a verbal beatdown from me.

My sister recently lied about dying, even if she may feel like she’s dying at times. As I wrote in my journal about this… THINK before you speak! THINK just how much I mean to you and how important I am to have in your life because if I catch anyone in a lie from here on out, I won’t be around for you to either own up to the lie or try to lie your way out of that lie(s).

While I’m on this rant…another way to lose me is to falsely accuse ME of lying. My so-called former friend did just that many times from my circadian rhythm disorder to prank calling a cousin to being jealous over the same things he was jealous over. His excuse for it? Because so many people had lied to him in the past. Well, I’m sorry if you’re that insecure, have trust issues, and have been lied to a zillion times by people, but guess what? I’m not those people! So please don’t judge me by what others have done to you. Or assume something’s a lie because you don’t get it.

So yesterday Wyatt, Jessie’s son, finally responded to a message I sent a while back asking if Jessica was his mom since I couldn’t find her right away. He responded and also sent a friend request. I was a little surprised since I haven’t seen him since he was a baby and I didn’t think he would remember me but I accepted it and added him. Jessie and I have connected again as well. She’ll always be like family and definitely the best childhood friend I had. I never feel like there’s any time gap when we start chatting again after some time goes by between our communication.

She said they hope to move to the space coast section of Florida, east of Orlando at some point but it will depend on what they find when they go to look. She said she’s counting down the days till she no longer has to see snow and that they try to get down to Florida every year.

We may consider this area as well. As long as we couldn’t hear the blast off from home, we’d love to watch the rockets launch. Might be a bit cooler there as opposed to the southern part of the state but it can’t be like the winters here.

Yesterday they were supposed to turn the water off but they never did. Spoke to Bob briefly and he said we need some rain. Yes, we do but I’m beginning to wonder if it will ever rain here again. LOL Only a few days of rain in half a year. It’s like this place really is turning into a desert. Things sometimes have a way of making up for lost time, though, and it could really rain its ass off in December and January. I love the sound of the rain and how it keeps things quieter but it would be better for the roof if it didn’t rain while we were still here.

Not wanting to make my unedited journals/story accounts on my-diary public, I created a public account there for daily stuff because what I consider the best friend I ever had even though we haven’t met yet inspired me to do so. I’m not doing NaNo this year but Aly is and she’s going to share some excerpts there. I know that even if she won’t admit it, she prefers to hide. So this way if she wants to read edited copies of my journal she can do so in private.

It’s after 5:30 AM here, so it’s one plane after another for most of the day. Wish it’d rain! Don’t know if that would stop commercial flights, though, and they’re the main problem lately. Beats the daily landscaping games and loud traffic, though.

So now my curiosity is settled and Tammy has once again proven to be the liar that she can be. Fucking bitch!

Norma said she’s in a great deal of pain and on a lot of pain meds. The surgical treatment they did for the pain has not worked and has caused more pain, so she’s hoping to get an epidural. Although I don’t doubt for a minute that she’s suffering that’s no reason to lie to someone about dying just because you’re pissed or you feel you’re not getting the kind of attention you want. Maybe some of her meds are messing with her mind but I still don’t like being bullshitted, and those who are a part of my life better ask themselves just how much I mean to them because from now on if I catch anyone lying to me, we’re done. Period. No and’s, if’s, buts, questions or forgiveness from me. I’m just gone. Poof!

She’s already had unsuccessful surgery for trying to ease the pain where they cut nerves. If it didn’t work before why would it work now? Nothing was said about sarcoidosis either but how fucking low can you go than to tell someone you’re dying even if you don’t do it bluntly. So I have seriously mixed emotions about this one. I’m sorry she’s in pain but there’s no excuse for lying to me. I can see where she may think she’s dying at times. I sure thought I was going to die a few times.

Back on with my life now and just worrying about myself. I have enough to deal with anyway. I may not be as unhealthy and I may not be the perfect person but I don’t go around hinting at being terminally ill either. No excuse for that. Just no excuse. No wonder her kids are nothing but narcissistic, emotional, bullshitting bitches. And fuck biology! You don’t get a pass for lying to me or treating me poorly in any way simply because we’re related.

The fucking early-morning commercial plane craze is driving me nuts! Not as bad as the street games but it’s still pretty annoying. Asked the Twenties a few days ago if they knew anything about it. Carolyn saw the message but never replied. Kinda rude if you ask me.

I had Marie do a sound check on Bubbly. She confirmed what I suspected; the ‘listen’ counter isn’t working. Maybe she’s a hider?

Had very mild traces of anxiety yesterday but earlier I was worse. I was sure I’d get even worse and that the waterworks and suicidal thoughts would follow. However, after chatting briefly with Tom, Aly, tapping and walking, my calm returned. What was amazing was that the anxiety turned off like a switch. Usually, it doesn’t come and go like the flick of a switch. It gradually builds up and gradually tapers off. But this time it simply stopped.

I’ve had 7 anxious days since Dr. O (so nearly half the time). Think I might need to quit meds for 6 months or so. May be the only way to rule them out if they’re not connected to the particular feeling I’ve had since 12/10/16.

I talked with Jessie this morning. Yes, it was me who initiated the chat. Would still like it if someone from my past or that I haven’t talked to in a while would reach out to me for once instead of the other way around, but I guess that’s just not the way it was meant to be. Jessie said she also takes Levothyroxine and is still in Springfield. She’s asked where we think we’ll end up in Florida because they’re planning to move there too. As I told her, we don’t know where yet. We may not even stay in this country.

Yoga Girl came yesterday and she’s a very realistic and lovely collectible.

My first attempt at making bath bombs was a bit of a bust because even though I measured precisely there wasn’t quite enough mixture to fill the mold so I ended up with two uneven halves of a bath bomb instead of a whole bath bomb, but it definitely fizzed in the tub. Not much of a bath person anyway so that’s okay.

The loud “utility” vehicle is actually one of those mini-busses that picks up older and or disabled people. The word Pride was written on it. So now they’re even making vehicles like that loud? I still don’t get it. If vehicles like that are so loud these days, I’m wondering if it’s become mandatory for some crazy reason. Does that mean our next car is going to sound almost like a semi? Just not understanding why we would make things louder when we have the technology to keep them at the volume our current car is. Ours is reasonable enough. People can hear them approaching on the streets but not indoors.

Not getting why I sometimes have to sleep so damn long. Last night I slept for a whopping 11 hours. Woke up a handful of times along the way, of course. Today I wouldn’t be surprised if I was up for 18 hours and only slept for 6.

Had yet another dream that I was in this strange jail. I don’t know what I was in for but I knew I was in for 4 months and would get out in March. I thought I should have Tom tell Bob and Virginia I was off visiting family, knowing they would be wondering where I was.

Instead of being in cells, we were sharing these rooms that had 2 regular beds in them that seemed like wide twin beds. There were 2 of us per bed. LOL

The staff members didn’t wear uniforms. Not sure if the inmates did but somehow I was able to tell who was a guard and who was an inmate. Not a single guard was attractive either. They mostly seemed to be older plump blondes with unkempt hair.

One of the guards confronted me about the way I seemed to be having sleep issues. I guess I was trying to shut myself in the room (there were 2 doors) and sleep when no one else was in it which probably meant I wasn’t working when I might’ve been mandated to be.

I told the guard, “I know it sounds crazy but you just clear your throat and I wake up, that’s how light of a sleeper I am.”

I went to bed that night really exhausted and woke up in the morning surprised to find someone sleeping beside me.

I said, “Wow. You slipped in next to me and I never woke up?”

The inmate nodded.

In another part of the dream, I was walking around the jail when I looked over a balcony of some kind and down into an inflated room. It was like the floor and walls were made of a plastic blow-up material. LOL.

Some girl was lying on her back, looked up at me and said, “Hi, Jodi. How are you doing?”

I told her I was hanging in there and then I was outside carrying a small square white pillow with me as a vehicle full of older men with scraggly beards maneuvered around me so they could park nearby.