Will we be married for another 25 years? I wonder this at times but I kind of doubt it. I think somewhere between 20-25 years, though, so we should still have many years ahead! I know I’m always going to have something but I just hope he stays healthy till the end.

Alyssa’s been on my mind since I recently dreamed about her. I don’t know why she pops into my mind at random as she does and why I still feel this longing for her. Hell, it’s been half a decade! Not a sexual longing but just to be around her, to have her as a friend, to chat with her at times, to go out to lunch together occasionally. There was just something about her I really liked and felt comfortable with. She was very personable and kind even if she wasn’t the greatest doctor for me. She was liberal and I could tell we thought a lot alike.

She finally shared a picture of her baby. Not herself, but her husband holding the baby. I was right. It’s a girl. I had a strong feeling for some reason that it was. They don’t mention the name, though.

I’m happy for her but is there anything this woman can’t get? I couldn’t help but feel a pang of sadness for myself. I still don’t regret not having kids, not that it was ever my choice to begin with, and sometimes I’m glad I don’t have to deal with bosses and coworkers, especially when I don’t feel well, but seriously. Some people really seem to have it all! That’s the whole point, I guess, that gets to me at times. From what I can tell, she’s got great parents and comes from a decent family. She’s got money. She can keep a schedule. She’s tall. She’s got a husband who can obviously perform. I’m sure she can sleep with that husband every night, has a great career, and got to have a kid. It’s like whatever Alyssa wants, Alyssa gets.

But If I were suddenly young again, could I get someone I really lusted for while keeping a schedule and choosing the career of my choice and whether or not I had kids? No, of course not. Gay or straight, great personality and intelligence or not, I’d get the biggest sexual misfit there was. While I was dealing with that, I would have a nothing little menial job, if even that, and the rights to choose to have a child, if that’s what I chose, would be up to others or to circumstances beyond my control.

The only two things I don’t get are how the hell she finds time for the kid with such a demanding career and what it is she sees in her husband at least from a physical standpoint. He’s just so incredibly boring. He may not be fat or anything but he’s just this dark blob of nothing.

I just wonder why it is that I was never “allowed” to be normal? Do things really happen for a reason? Or did I just happen to end up this way? It makes me feel like something up there feels I don’t deserve to be normal. Why couldn’t I always sleep with my own husband? Why couldn’t we have had a normal, fun, healthy and exciting sex life together? Why couldn’t I have felt the same degree of lust that I felt for some people I could never have? Why couldn’t I keep a schedule? Why couldn’t I have the guts to drive? Why couldn’t I have a career of my own? Why couldn’t I have been the one to decide whether or not I had kids even if I’m glad I didn’t? Why is it some people can get it all? Really, what could possibly be all that wrong with Alyssa’s life? What could possibly be abnormal for her? What could she possibly want that she can’t have besides maybe a billion bucks? What realistic ordinary thing could possibly be denied to Alyssa??

Do she and her husband ever fight? Will their sex life fizzle out with age like ours did, not that I could have sex anyway due to my LS.

If things aren’t random and we’re basically given a script to play out, why was I chosen to be so unique? Why was I denied so many things that almost everyone else can get or do? What was it about me that made whatever’s up there decide I should be one of the ones to sit out on the sidelines and watch normality play out from the outside in? Why do I have so many health problems? Thyroid, ear, TMJ, rashes, sleep issues, a weight problem I have no control over, etc.

I still worry that I do indeed have LS and there won’t be anything they can do for it but give me the usual temporary solutions that can’t last forever. It’s like with my groin rash. I treat it and it comes back.

If I could get up the nerve, even though it would leave me badly mutilated and hurt like hell, I might wish I could cut off the skin in hopes of healthy or at least pain-free skin growing back.

I made my dream blog public a few days ago just to see if it would start getting any hits, and if it has, I can’t see them.

The weather has been quite mild so far this summer which is saving us money as far as the AC goes but not exactly helping the pool.

I wrote everything above late last night. Tom’s app is now in the store. No downloads yet, though.

The drama queen has done a great job of making up for the girls’ lack of “daddy in heaven” posts every single fucking day. sighs and rolls eyes Been going on for days now. Do some people want to remind us of those we would rather not think of or remember?

When I saw how much the fish liked hiding in the little basket Tom printed to put around the end of the filter so he wouldn’t get his delicate fins and tails sucked into it when I was cleaning it, I asked that he print another one. Haven’t seen him in it yet.

I quickly stopped by next door yesterday when picking up the mail. Virginia looks great and Bob looks like he usually does. They confirmed our suspicions. Ralph has died. So unfortunately that house is going to be on the market soon enough.

Found that using the voice typing tool directly in Google Docs on my laptop works just as well as on my phone. Google’s speech-to-text has always been better than Apple’s so I’m not going to be using my phone nearly as much anymore. With all the robocalls I get, the interruptions would definitely not be appreciated anyway. This one also starts right away like on my phone. The Mac’s takes several seconds to start. If given the choice it’s still much easier to do on my laptop because it’s easier to edit there.

Although I’m ever so slightly wound up now, probably because it’s Sunday night, I’m still continuing to do better overall. I’m just not sure if it’s more due to the pill cuts or getting closer to menopause.

What’s not good is my crotch. Still have burning and itching and still worried there won’t be much they can do for me. What the fuck’s God got against my womanhood in general, anyway? First I was denied a normal sex life. Then I was denied rights to my own reproductive system. Now this shit.

Happy 25th anniversary to us! Haven’t done much so far today. Changed the pigs’ liner with his help and went to Rite Aid. Then we went over some details with the app which we expect to launch today.

Forgot to mention that the two stitches she put in me are dissolvable, unlike when the other doctor did it and I had to go back to have her remove the one stitch or so she put in. So that’s one less appointment I have to worry about.

The pinching sensation is gone and I only ended up having a slight bit of spotting on the liner I wore. Let’s just say I would have been really bummed out had it not been from the biopsy and I saw that.

Crashed at around 8:30 or 9 last night just to be woken up for a few seconds when the fucking cock went zooming out at 9:30 after spending 7.5 hours with Mommy and Daddy. Doing what? Watching TV? Again, living here but not sleeping here. He really doesn’t seem to have done anything with his life since leaving the Army and divorcing 3 or 4 years ago. But I think that no matter how much Joy may have their backs, she can only cover it so much and him being here 24/7 was generating more complaints than she wanted to deal with. I just wish even more people would complain! I think the more that do, the less she’s likely to retaliate than if she just gets a few complaints every now and then. Either way, it’s pretty obvious that they’re going to be here as long as we are.

Took me an hour to fall back asleep when I woke up again at 1 a.m. after having a nightmare of sorts about having an asthma attack in the apartment of one of the characters in my books. Ah, but the dream people have spun some potential story ideas for July’s NaNo while at it! :) Given the clarity of last night’s dream, I wonder if I was seeing into another dimension. I was a lot younger and living in this apartment with a female detective. I can see the place in vivid detail. What was funny was that Alyssa was my mom. She had me when she was really young. My dad was black so she was married to a black guy just like in real life.

Maybe I’ll do some basic story that’s not exactly silly but that doesn’t have much drama or much of a plot to it and that I probably won’t end up sharing since most people may find it boring. It’s just to be doing NaNo, and I like their tools and how I can keep track of my word progress there. I still have a couple of other ideas that have been on the back burner for a while so I won’t rule those out completely.

I also had some dream about my memory issues frustrating me. There was some woman who left me a voice message that I had to call that might have had something to do with my health somehow, be it physical or emotional, and I kept forgetting to return her call.

Lastly, I also dreamed about telling someone I wasn’t sure I was going to work and then Tom said he was hoping I would because he wanted to get one more car while we were here, LOL.

My appointment turned out to be both good and bad. Good: She doesn’t think it looks cancerous down there. She said something about cancer being raised and bleeding but I have nothing like that. Just very red and irritated-looking.

Bad: I’m not getting better. A study of 6 patients on Tacrolimus were all cured after a year but I don’t think I’m any different than the last time I saw her.

My records from Dr. Hottie finally made it to her but the biopsy she did simply stated something about an enlarged hair follicle. Yeah, she may’ve been a hottie but she definitely wasn’t a great doctor. She misdiagnosed me on a few things.

Anyway, since I’m still burning and itching, she recommended a biopsy to be absolutely certain it really is LS and that they’re not missing anything that could explain why I’m not responding to treatment. They’ll contact me in a couple of weeks with the results and on how to proceed from there. For now, I can treat it with Tacrolimus, hydrocortisone and Tucks as needed. Just not on the biopsy site.

This biopsy went much easier than when the hottie doc did it. Amy applied a numbing cream before shooting me. Hottie just shot me straight up with nothing. Now that the numbness has abated it sort of feels like something’s pinching me there but nothing that’s got me running for the Ibuprofen as of yet. Not much bleeding either. Once again, though, the pool will be delayed. I’m not even going to work out today.

Grabbed an Eucerine sample on the way out. I know Aly likes it but I find it too greasy.

Will probably get permanent pit removal someday but not the Mona Lisa Touch.

An ambulance was pulling away from next door right as I was glancing out front at around 8:30 this morning. I stepped outside to see a lady pig in a cruiser sitting in front of our place and another cruiser just past where the ambulance had been. My first thought was that Virginia was taken away but their SUV was in their garage and I later heard someone dragging the trash bin in back after it was dumped. Maybe she just didn’t go with them this time.

Tom just went to get the mail and saw them cleaning out Ralph’s oxygen equipment, so my guess is he’s not coming back. I had a feeling about that too, what with the way the paramedics were coming around so often. I won’t miss his blasting TV at night but I really hope the house doesn’t go up for sale while we’re still here since that could very well mean getting someone with a motorcycle or other loud vehicle that comes and goes regularly which would be worse. Again, old people just aren’t what they were in the 80s and before. These days they’re almost as annoying as the young folks.

The smart plug my rainbow lamp was plugged into that I use in the bedroom when I’m working at my desk in there went out, so we ordered a new one.

Getting robocalls multiple times a day now and it’s really getting old. I keep blocking them but they keep calling from new numbers with new area codes. it’s probably because of the sweeps. I haven’t entered any in several days but I think at the end of each month when most of them expire is when I’ll enter.

Tammy read my journal yesterday about the gift card and said she could use it so I emailed her the code. I don’t see why it wouldn’t work for her. She hasn’t said anything about it either way and she almost never reeds or at least replies to my messages so I can’t ask her unless I ask on her wall or tag her. I don’t know what’s up with that. Maybe she just hates messages as much as I hate live phone chats.

I’ve really come to hate my nieces. All of them. Even Tammy isn’t always happy with the shit they do. I realize they’re young and there are worse people in the world than them, but between Lisa’s paranoid, accusatory and downright psychotic behavior, and the others being such narcissistic, selfish, rude bitches, I want absolutely nothing to do with any of them. Tammy herself knows that once I cut ties with someone or they cut them with me, that’s the way it stays. Never again do I want to hear from the girls and you know, I’m glad they dumped me, mostly over my posts about how being obsessed with the dead causes us to miss out on the living and me thinking it would help them not to “get over” it but to move on to more positive things. We all get stuck in negative ruts at times, after all. But yeah, I’m glad because now I don’t have to watch what I say so much because these overly-sensitive bitches can’t handle things and have the nerve to call others out on their posts while they can post whatever they want and to hell with who it annoys.

Becky and Sarah didn’t block me but I blocked them. I don’t need reminders of their existence when we all interact with Tammy. Having to hear about them and Lisa every fucking time I chat live with Tammy will be enough.

Even though I never really knew Etta and I wasn’t there, I can see why she’d throw Sarah out without warning. They ever think that maybe since both aunts can’t stand them that maybe the problem is them? Somehow I doubt it. Just can’t picture them feeling guilt, remorse or being able to own up to their own actions. “I’m sorry” probably isn’t even in their vocabulary. It was because of Tammy that I didn’t share my true feelings with them before blocking them. Like they’d get it anyway much less agree? I’ll wait and vent if Tammy dies first…maybe.

All this extra walking is doing wonders for my health and my overall sense of well-being. I feel great both physically and emotionally. Even my blood pressure is lower. Sometimes I think it’s still sad that I can never get under 150, but I try not to let it get to me. I am what I was meant to be in this day in age. I lost a pound and a half and I’m sure I can lose another pound or two, but then my body will hold its weight automatically.

Aly didn’t reply to my message until the end of my day in which case I didn’t bother to reply because I was getting too tired. We swapped messages today, though. Her GYN couldn’t see her yesterday so she went in today. Probably just an infection although it could be fibroids. It’s nothing serious either way. I just hope she soon gets a break as well so she too, can enjoy months between appointments instead of weeks. Yes, after seeing Amy tomorrow who I doubt will tell me anything I want to hear, I should be appointment-free until September unless I do decide to see the shrink in August. So far that’s not looking likely, though.

Had a dream that we were in the car going somewhere when Tom quickly skidded to a stop because some people were blocking the road. There were two vehicles that got in an accident or had car trouble, and one car was blocking the outer lane which we were in. When we got out of the car I was worried there might be a fight but all was peaceful.

Sitting by the animals on the beanbag chair as I take a little rest after burning my first 300 calories of the day. I want to burn another 100-200. It takes 25 minutes of walking at 2.5 MPH to burn 100.

Even though my joints have stiffened with age, my feet and hips have been pretty good to me this time around since adding time to my walking. The last time I did this my right hip was killing me and my feet were really sore.

I ate so much KFC yesterday that I didn’t eat for the last 8 hours of my day. I didn’t even have my happy hour. Four pieces of chicken, a biscuit, french fries and part of a sundae; what was I thinking! Amazed I’m only up half a pound. I thought I would be up a pound or two.

I don’t know if this counts, but I supposedly won a $30 gift card to a bedding store when aiming for a new mattress. I guess I was one of the runner-ups. There are a few things I could get for around that price but nothing I really want or need. Wondering if this counts as what the dream I had a few nights ago represented where I won a screen door I didn’t want.

Tom decided that rather than have me give Aly a link to the first tester game right away, we’re going to keep our mouths shut and see who downloads it on their own. After a few days, I’ll give her the link. This first one is just getting his feet wet and learning how to do it. Not to make money.

If it does look like he can generate enough revenue from apps, we’ll have the business in my name since they could withhold some of his retirement money if he was making too much on the side after deciding he wanted to retire early.

It’s like that with disability. You can work part-time but any more than that and they’ll take some if not all of your disability money.

I thought I was too young for so many appointments, but poor Aly! She has an emergency gynecologist appointment this morning because she’s having heavy bleeding and major cramps. I have no idea what that could mean but after having NovaSure, it can’t be very good. Hopefully, it’s only because of her blood disorder.

It almost sucks that we both don’t want to stay in this state because, in light of not being able to get universal healthcare to pass, California is very likely to follow Massachusetts with universal healthcare long before Florida does. Eventually, they’re going to lower the Medicare age to 55, but people talk. Talk doesn’t mean shit without the actions to back up your words so I’m not going to believe anything until I see it no matter how likely it may seem. But it’s the insurance that’s the main issue for us as far as when he can retire and all that.

I like that the state is liberal and has the Death with Dignity Act that you would think would be everywhere by now, but it’s still too expensive, too cold in the winter, and I’m tired of the planes and traffic. We’re in a shitty location. Too close to too busy of a street. I don’t expect to ever have a quiet place. I learned many moves ago that that’s not meant to be. But I think we can find a bedroom that isn’t so close to the street, get on a less traveled street, and out of a flight path.

We’ve been having a heatwave of triple-digit temps. In the late afternoon when it’s at its hottest and I’m hot flashing, it’s definitely uncomfortable but it still beats being cold. The temps are supposed to drop soon, though.

My God, I’m so sick of these fucking robocalls! And having to restart my browser cuz my keyboard keeps crapping out on me, and my rainbow lamp blinking on and off. WTH is up with that?

The mama’s boy that was in twice yesterday oughta be roaring in soon.

Having a nice day today despite the noise. The usual loud vehicle craze following the morning planes sprinkled with landscaping.

Mama’s boy not only came in yesterday afternoon but just a little while ago the bastard came in and left a few minutes later. Again, it lives here but doesn’t sleep here yet might as well as often as it comes around. They wouldn’t get evicted and they know it.

We were going to go to West Sac today but decided we’ve tested the car enough. It sure has the best AC of any car we’ve ever had before!

After replacing the pigs’ liner, moving the rainbow clock from the master bedroom to the bathroom, and throwing Suki on the bedroom floor between the bed and closet where she’ll be easier to dress, we went to the UPS Store to return the Bose buds.

Then I got Suki a pair of magenta high-heeled sandals. Only problem is that not only is 8.5 about a size and a half too big for her, but her foot doesn’t have enough of an arch for them either, so they look a little funny on her.

Lastly, we stopped at KFC where I stupidly stuffed the shit out myself so bad I wished I could puke it up but couldn’t, of course.

We decided to go swimming on Friday after my appointment with Amy rather than today since I already showered. I’ll be showering the night before my appointment and staying up later that day. Late enough to hit the pool when the brats are gone. Or supposed to be, anyway. I fucking hate that they upped their pool time to 2:00. This isn’t an all-ages park, for God’s sake! Personally, I don’t think they should be allowed to use the pool at all. Isn’t the whole point of moving to an adult community because you want to be around adults?

Another thing we’re going to delay is our Alcatraz trip. We decided it’d be better in the fall when it’s not only cooler for outdoor activities but when there will be fewer people with the kids back in school and all that.

Tom and I were talking about it earlier and we both agree that the fact that I didn’t continue to have anxiety after the day it was more noticeable around the 5th, is still a good sign that points to the dosage being part of the issue. Brands, going into menopause, dosage, etc. I still think - and hope - I’ll one day be able to take at least 75s without issue. But yeah, it’s still looking promising. Making it to August is when I’ll really get a sense of whether or not I’m on the right track. By October I’ll know for sure.

I still hot flash just about every day but that’s mostly toward the end of my day and in bed that I do that. I’m used to it, though. It’s the anxiety I could never get used to if I lived a million years. Worst feeling on earth!

As for my weight…if I ever decide I really have to lose some for whatever reason, there are only two ways to get it off and both are impossible. I have to either eat next to nothing or pop my gut. Yeah, as in puking up my food. Only problem is that as much as I’ve tried wiggling my finger down my throat, I just can’t get my belly to pop. I even tried eating and eating until I was so full in hopes that my stomach would burst but I just can’t get myself to do that either. Even if I could, I know that having stomach acid in my throat and on my teeth regularly wouldn’t be good. I mean what am I going to do? Pop my gut every single day? Because that’s literally what it would take. I couldn’t just do it for a while and then stop, because as soon as I stopped and kept everything I ate, the weight would return. So, since my only options would be to forever starve or forever puke, I’ve gotta trust that my body wouldn’t carry this extra weight if it didn’t feel it needed it. The only thing I really don’t like about it is how it impedes my range of flexibility to a degree right along with my aging joints, ligaments and tendons.

Starting my updating while I’m on the skier. The only thing I don’t like about this is having to hold the phone I’m voice typing on with one hand but it’s not too bad.

We got the animals into the storeroom and set the bombs off at 4:15 yesterday morning. Then we get in the car and dear hubby presses the button to start our electric car and realizes he doesn’t have the key. We both agreed that was a really dumb one on his part. I thought I was getting absent-minded! Promising to hold his breath, he dove into the house and grabbed the key. The bombs had stopped going off by then but there was still a heavy mist in the air. He survived, though. I was just a little worried about what else he might have forgotten and so was he, LOL.

Really hope that blasting music in stores and restaurants is just a Cali thing, but first, we shot uphill to Auburn at a steady 65 miles an hour, not in economy mode or doing anything to save energy, to see how fast it would drain the battery. It held up pretty well. We could probably get to SF on just 2 charges.

My ears started popping before we reached the sign saying we were 1000 feet in elevation. We went to a shopping center we would frequent when we lived in Auburn. I remembered all the stores and found myself missing the area a bit. I would still rather get the hell out of the state altogether be it to Florida or Nevada, but if I had to start all over again, even though Jesse could be a pest and his mutts barked all the time, I would have just stayed crammed in there with the shitty internet connection and the well crapping out periodically had I known just how chaotic and noisy this park would be. Not even 6 a.m. and the planes are going nonstop and soon the landscaping and loud traffic will join in.

Anyway, it took 20 minutes to charge the car and I ran around the mostly deserted parking lot during part of it because I hate to sit still for long which is part of why I hate road trips. Even so, I’m looking forward to our upcoming trip to Alcatraz even though we don’t know exactly when we’re going yet.

With the car charged, we stopped at Denny’s in Newcastle. The music wasn’t that loud but it was a bit basey. More annoying than that was the loudmouth Mexicans a few booths down.

Decided to switch to the treadmill. I have to speak a little louder but my voice is naturally loud and strong from all the years of singing I did.

I got eggs, bacon, pancakes and French fries well he got an omelet.

Then we returned to the city and actually gained battery life that way rather than lost any because it was all downhill to where we’re 300 feet in elevation. Plus, we went slower and switched to economy mode. This mini-trip gave us a better idea of what traveling to SF will be like.

Still having time to kill, we spent over an hour in Walmart browsing the aisles and listening to their blasting music. Why do stores and restaurants feel they need to entertain us? They’re there to provide food and merchandise, not entertainment! Yet you feel more like you’re stepping into some club than a store or restaurant.

Ended up getting a couple of cute dolls. An Asian one called Yuki and a cute little brown girl in a ballet leotard with shiny silver leg warmers. Plus, we picked up some groceries and I got multi-colored measuring spoons and cups to replace our old, boring set. This one has more measurement units too. Goes well with our colorful whisk.

Re-entered the house 4 hours later and the animals made for twice as much work. I swear I don’t remember guinea pigs ever being this much work! Where the rats need more attention, the pigs are more work. I think in many ways they’re more work than cats and dogs, so if you don’t want to spend more time working for your pets than enjoying them, don’t get any pigs. I love the way they sound and the cute things they do, but all they do is cost money, eat like crazy, and take a lot of work.

What really disappointed me and even had me a bit concerned was how exhausted I was in the end. Okay, so I did do a total of maybe two and a half hours of walking when you add it all up, but still…should I have been that exhausted? Low thyroid? Age? Weight? Well, I may be getting up there in years and a bit low on thyroid but I’m not that big and I do keep active, so I don’t know what my problem was. I felt winded and slightly weak but after letting myself rest for a while I was a little better. Just not awake enough to really do anything else. I didn’t even feel like checking in with people on social media/apps or whatever. I just crawled into bed and listened to my book until I fell asleep.

This has me more determined to be even more active so that Alcatraz doesn’t end up knocking me on my ass. It’s just weird, though, as I’m not that low on thyroid, I’m certainly not that old, and I’m not that fat. Just a little bit of each.

Had a dream that I won a “fancy” screen door, so naturally, I’m wondering if this means a win is right around the corner because I almost always learn I’ve won something after having a win dream. It was a weird-looking screen door with these shelves or baskets or whatever but nothing we could use. So Tom called some people to see if they wanted it. Then the dream ended with me saying I would definitely enter even more sweeps. I rarely win what I dream I won, especially since I doubt any such door exists, but seldom does it not mean anything. If it doesn’t, I’m probably going to hang up sweeping again because one of my 3 main email accounts is being overrun with spam. If it does turn out to mean anything and I do win something and therefore keep entering, I’ll use another email address that rarely gets used and let that one get overrun with spam generated from sweeps.

The day before yesterday we went to Sam’s and that was surprisingly peaceful for once. Didn’t hear nearly as much loud beeping from their stupid forklifts.

He has tomorrow off and we’re going to West Sacramento. Probably going to hit the pool as well since we’re in for some triple-digit temps. Today will mostly be spent walking and writing.

Noticed Mr. Twenties unfriended me on Facebook. He hasn’t been very active on there for quite a while because of privacy issues or so that’s at least what he says. I wonder how long it will be before Carolyn unfriends me as well? It might be because he’s not into it but I think more than likely it’s that I’m too different than they are but that’s okay. No hard feelings whatever his reason.

Burned my first 125 calories of the day. I’m aiming for 400. Of course I’m not going to lose weight, but it’s definitely going to get me in even better shape. I’m surprised I didn’t wake up with a sore hip today so that much is good.

Tom met “Santa Claus” the other day when getting the mail but forgot his real name. He has a business dressing up as Santa and looks the part too, with his long white beard. He’s skinny, though, and lives down the street. I think I’ve seen him. Pretty sure he moved in next to Jim.

I’ve been having issues with excessive hunger for a while now and while I know PMS and pregnancy can make you hungry, I couldn’t understand why I was hungry so often so I looked, and sure enough, it’s yet another symptom of going into menopause. I’m just about convinced that menopause causes everything except for one to get rich. I really am.

Ended up tossing down nearly 2,000 calories yesterday but surprisingly, I woke up the same weight as the day before. I wasn’t even very active yesterday either. Decided that weight gain, if that’s what’s going to happen, is worth ending my constant hunger so I’m just going to eat when my body feels it needs to and leave it at that. If I gain, fine. If I don’t, that’s fine too. I’m just tired of always having to hold back.

Read this article about how difficult it’s supposed to be to lose weight after menopause and when I think about it, I can only think of a few people over 50 that have lost weight and that was only because something was wrong. I’ve known it wasn’t coming off until I became old or God forbid ill, but being hungry all the time isn’t worth trying to keep more from coming on. So from now on, I eat when I’m hungry. No more holding out. My blood pressure may go up and I may not be as healthy and I may get the neck knockers I had last night, but at least I won’t be hungry anymore!

Aly and I were talking about this 10-year-old girl named Viv whom she nannies for at times and how her mother seems to be attracted to abusive men. Then she mentioned that Molly is the same way and seems to prefer those that treat her like shit. Well, I don’t know Vivian’s mother but it’s hard to feel sorry for Molly when she’s hurt so many people. To me, this is just karma coming back at her.

It was unusually chilly the night before last when we went out for a walk late at night. Another unusual thing for this time of year is that I can hear the freeway. It’s like summer just doesn’t want to stay. We’re in for triple-digit soon so maybe it will stick around a while then.

The planes have been horrible. We definitely need to get out of flight paths. What I don’t understand is why we became one after four years of living here. I would have noticed such excessive flying had it been an issue prior to that. The only things I heard excessively before that were small planes, military jets, and helicopters. The commercial planes didn’t start driving me crazy until last September. Early mornings and late nights are especially bad and the temperature doesn’t seem to have any effect on it. For some reason, they chose us to be a new flight path and I swear I wasn’t kidding when I said that each and every place I live in gets progressively noisier. It’s never been the other way around and it’s never held steady either. I just think it’s fucking ridiculous that we’re the only ones in the world that can’t move for years. Tom assures me there are plenty of others who can’t move right when they want to. For over half a decade, though? No, I’m sorry. This only happens to us. With everyone else, it’s weeks or months at the most. Not years. So as much as I’ve come to hate this country for a lot of reasons, we definitely need to stay in it. It would be hard enough to get back out of Florida if we decided we didn’t like it, so imagine how many years it would take to get out of another country! It’s like something up there has always been obsessed with me being in places I didn’t want to be in or had grown tired of. This started in my childhood…the Brattleboro Retreat, Valleyhead… Wouldn’t God just fucking love me if I stayed here forever? The thing is that I know that whatever’s cursing me with noise is going to ruin the next place, too. The best I can do is focus on a nicer climate and a newer place. Not what’s around it.

What I don’t get about the mama’s boy’s parents is why they ever moved here. Their son would obviously love to live with them for the rest of their lives and I think it’s safe to say they wouldn’t mind that at all. So why come here then? Tom says it’s because it’s cheaper but so are other mobile parks, including those for all ages.

For some reason, the year 2022 comes to mind as far as us moving. Had a dream a while back that suggested September would be the month but if it’s going to take that long, we may as well stay till he reaches full retirement on the 1st of 2024. Either way, we’ve got a long way to go.

I tested the last Echo Dot we got which is white, and this time it didn’t hiss on words with S sounds in them when reading my book, but the speaker sounds awful. It’s like listening to someone talk from another room. So I brought the Dot back into the bedroom and paired it back up with the remote.

The cocoon wasn’t really making much of a difference, and while it’s easy for me to say I don’t care what this place looks like anymore since it’s not our forever home, that doesn’t mean I want to see something that hideously weird and ugly looking either. So we’re thinking of adding a canopy to the bed because that way I wouldn’t have to move any soundproofing material or anything we draped over it when making the bed. I think that would look nice actually, and I could cover it with something more decorative. It would make the room look smaller but who cares about that?

Again I had another positive and detailed dream about my mother and again it makes me wonder. Another dimension? Her reaching out from beyond? Simply a dream? Nothing changes either way. I could never forgive her. Not even if she were suddenly alive again. As I said, if you dump me or give me a reason to dump you, I don’t do do-overs. Once you’re out of my life that’s the way it stays.

In the dream, I’m not sure if I ever knew Tom or not but I was definitely single. I was my real age but mom seemed younger. She’d just been released from the hospital and I ran up to greet her when someone dropped her off at her house. I told her I had been worried about her and she promised that she would take better care of herself from now on.

Then it was her birthday again and we were supposed to go somewhere where someone was throwing her a party. She was driving us there but then we ended up in a hotel.

It was in the evening and I had a cold and wished we could hurry up and get the party over with so I could go to bed. One of the guinea pigs was on the floor and hopped over to the door when voices could be heard out in the hall. I first thought it was the people throwing mom the party but then their voices faded away.

I told Mom that I wanted to ask her some personal questions when she had a chance. I was going to ask her about changing hormones and some things about how we change as we age.

Then it was daytime and we were at the beach in Connecticut. I sat on the shore for a few minutes and then slowly waded out into the water for a quick dip.

Then it was nighttime again and we were back in the hotel room. I still felt like I had a cold, too. Mom turned off the lights, put on some music, and lay down in her bed. I got up from the other bed to ask her what was going on next and she gently took my hand in the dark and said she was tired of waiting and wasn’t even going to turn the music down so she could hear the phone if anyone called.

Was just about to post this when Tom got up and updated me on Pawandeep. She had her adenoids removed before going home to India for a while. When she returned it was found that her TSH went from a 4 to 0, so she’s to go back down to 50s. I was surprised they’d up her to 75s from a 4 as it was. Even more surprised to learn she never had thyrotoxic symptoms as I did as high as a 3. She lost more weight too, but she’s young and her throat is super sore. Tom had his own adenoids removed when he was a kid and said it was horrible.

Decided to block the girls after all. Like with Lisa, I don’t need any reminders of their existence when they swap comments with Tammy, and this way I confirm that this is the way it stays. Sure, they could call or email me but they’d only do that if Tammy died and maybe not even then.

Slept better and longer so I feel more rested today. I’m enjoying another calm day and I didn’t experience any sodium neck knockers either.

I’m exactly 25 years in the past as far as my secondary PB account goes. I’ve left this one open to comments but haven’t received any yet. I’m also matching dates. So that means I posted June 7, 1994. Next entry for that year is on the 9th, so I’ll post that in two days. LOL

I thought I was going to have some anxiety today but I’m okay. Nothing yesterday either.

Just had to take a baby Benadryl because my forearm is itching like crazy. Not even hydrocortisone cream is helping it. One of the pigs or rats was climbing on me and scratched me a couple of days ago.

The Twenties had to have been pissed yesterday morning when the fucking cock came roaring in at 6:45, no doubt waking them up. Waiting for the first brave soul to finally get fed up enough to take a bat to the fucking thing but know it will never happen. Besides, Joy has their backs either way. The only way you can get away with violating the rules as often as they have is to have a friend in the office. That much is obvious even if Joy hadn’t retaliated on me or the Twenties for complaining. They’ll be here as long as we are no matter what they do.

I think of Tammy and what she’s going through in her park and it’s funny while it’s not. I warned her this would happen. I warned her that adult communities aren’t what they used to be. Things change. People change. And these places are anything but peaceful these days that I don’t even know why they bother to exist. I can’t imagine shit like this happening on Nettles Island when my parents lived there. I just can’t.

Speaking of them and living places, I had a weird dream about my mother last night that had me wondering when I realized the date. In the dream, she was acting totally different than she would in real life. I must have been single because I was all excited about her getting me an apartment in this luxury building she lived in.

Well, first of all, she would never want me living close to her. Hell, she wouldn’t even let me have her fucking phone number for quite a while. This is the kind of shit I would laugh off when I was younger but later came to resent and see it for the insulting act that it truly was.

Nonetheless, she was totally different in the dream. She was relaxed, she was joking, and she was just plain nice.

Jokingly I asked, “Is it wrong to feel safer moving into the same building your mother lives in even when you’re supposed to be tough at your age?”

She assured me it wasn’t wrong and then teasingly said, “You were never tough.”

I laughed and said it sounded funny the way she said that.

Then she took me into what looked like a small eatery of some kind that was on the ground floor. We were to meet with the manager or something like that.

By the counter was a pool with glass walls, and I excitedly exclaimed how much I loved those things as I thought of how exciting it would be to live in such a fancy building with modern stuff. I was so happy that I had tears in my eyes.

Then I woke up and realized there was something familiar about the date. Today my mother would have been 87 years old. Weird coincidence or not? Some people believe that the dead communicate with us through our dreams but I’m still not convinced we live on after death. I just don’t know.

Woke up very tired because I slept shitty. Yeah, I’m on that cycle again and expect it to go on for days before I’m sleeping better again. I woke up twice to pee and a million other times for nothing. Incredibly, even though I was “unbudded,” traffic didn’t wake me up.

I probably shouldn’t have gotten the fried food I got on the way back from the ENT, which was quick as usual. Won’t see her again for a year. Eating shitty food after eating healthy might have had a part in why I didn’t sleep well. I’m sure it definitely had a part in the very noticeable neck knockers I had with all the sodium in those chicken nuggets and fries.

Tammy has been very understanding as far as her narcissistic brats go. She admits that she doesn’t agree with everything her girls do, but because they’re adults they do have the right to decide who they want in their lives.

I appreciate that she isn’t taking sides and understands where we’re both coming from and doesn’t try to push anyone one way or the other. I know in my heart I didn’t do anything wrong and that I was only cut off by the girls because I said things they didn’t want to hear. So my conscience is clear and I don’t feel guilty in any way shape or form as I had just as much right to express myself as they did. I’m actually kind of glad they’ve cut ties with me because it’s easier this way. They’re too sensitive and emotional in the wrong kind of way so now I don’t have to feel like I’m walking on eggshells because they have to be so damn fragile. It isn’t just that they’re overly fragile or sensitive but more that they’re just very selfish individuals. They have a problem with what others say but they have absolutely no problem whatsoever with saying what they want to say.

Oh, life’s little sensitives. rolls eyes Don’t you just love them? They’re still young so maybe they’ll grow up a little eventually. Even if they do, though, I don’t do do-overs. I used to, but not anymore. So if they decide 5, 10 years down the road that they’d like to reconnect with me, it’s too late. Consider me a train. When traveling Amtrak and stepping off for a smoke or something, if you don’t get back on that train when it takes off, it will not stop to take you back.

I may not feel any guilt or shame where they’re concerned, but last night I sure ended up feeling the worst I’ve felt since beginning this dosage experiment just over 8 weeks ago. What’s next, a period?

I was definitely more than just a little on edge. I feel a bit crushed, heartbroken, and kind of devasted, too. I now have absolutely no clue what could be causing it, though I agree with Tom in that it’s probably multiple things. All I do know for sure is that I definitely had problems when I first went on 75s and when I took 88s. That couldn’t be more obvious than it was.

But now I’m thinking it’s more likely tied in with going into menopause, a condition I happened to acquire, things going on like noise and sleep issues, or maybe there’s even something cursing this house. I don’t know, maybe there’s just something bad about this place. Some kind of negative energy in the area. That one seems the least likely so I guess all I can do is hope it’s tied in with changing hormones and someday it will go away even if it’s looking less likely the longer I have it. It would be especially devasting if I had it 6-12 months after being officially menopausal.

I’ll probably just have to deal with it when it hits and enjoy the days that it doesn’t. So far today I’m fine but I’ve only been up for 5 hours and it tends to set in more towards the middle of my day. I still think there could be a connection with drug brands too, but just like I one day had to accept that I would never lose weight and that being heavy is simply the older me, I might have to accept that I’m going to suffer on and off from anxiety for the rest of my life. I guess if I could adapt to being fat and even become comfortable with it the more familiar it got, I will eventually do the same with the anxiety. It’s me. Just like having a deformed ear is me.

That fake ear canal has 9 hours before it’s properly cleaned. Yeah, nothing like having your sleep broken up due to a nightmare, waking up tired, even if I’m not as tired as I thought I would be, and then having a million hours before your appointment.

In the dream, I was sitting on the edge of an airbed. Tammy was in the room as I looked at a remote I held in my hand that said it was low on air. So I blew it up a bit and then checked the remote. It’s still said it was low on air, so I began to blow it up again. Initially, only the head of the bed began to rise and my first thought was that one of the inner walls had burst. But in just a few seconds, the bed curled upward and wrapped around me, squeezing me in its center. Sandwiched in as tightly as I was, I couldn’t work the remote that was still clutched in my hand in order to release the air. I awoke hoping Tammy would run and grab a pair of scissors and start cutting me out of the thing before I could suffocate to death.

So not a nice dream at all. :-(

Saw an ad for the Chernobyl series on HBO and forgot that we have HBO. It’s part of our internet package. So I began watching it. What a horrifying tragedy!

I’m also absolutely thrilled that for once we’re going to start controlling men’s bodies instead of just women by castrating child molesters. Only, I don’t think just “certain” child molesters should be castrated. I think all sex offenders of all kinds should be regardless of the age of their victims. But this is a start! Now let’s see how they like having their bodies controlled and being told what they can and can’t do with them.

I’m just wondering when women are going to finally fight back. If they keep sitting and letting men tell them what they can and can’t do, they’ll keep being taken advantage of. Sometimes you really do have to step on people to get ahead. Marching in parades while chanting and twirling signs isn’t going to do it. Physically going after these politicians and putting them in their place is what’s going to ultimately lead to their freedom. Once they make an example out of the bastards that are controlling them, this is what’s going to send the right message to future politicians and remind them of what can happen if they even think of jumping in the driver’s seat of a woman’s reproductive rights.

Anyway, other than being a little tired tonight, I’m still having some head pressure upon standing up, neck knockers, lightheadedness and that strange vibration I get in my head at times.

Okaaayyy, I have done my part and I guess this is it. We can send messages to people but we can’t make them reply. If my nieces want nothing to do with me, I will respect their wishes and fuck right off, but this is the way it stays. :) Once you step out of my life or I put you out of it, you don’t get back in. I don’t go back and forth, I don’t “fight” for people, I don’t do dramatics, etc. Out of respect for Tammy, I have refrained from really speaking my mind, not that it would change anything other than to perhaps let me vent and get some things off my chest since they seem to be very Kim-like in that they can do no wrong as far as they’re concerned.

As I said, I don’t want any drama. So best to simply return the silent treatment and leave it at that. Sometimes it’s okay to consider other people’s feelings before considering our own and that’s what I’m going to do in this case, but only for now. Someday I fully do intend to share a piece of my mind with the narcissistic selfish bitches no matter what.

Finished Slasher last night and was surprised at who the Druid turned out to be. Just didn’t expect them to be black and I’m sure the producers got called out on that one, but I like that they mix things up. More realistic that way.

The last few nights have been quiet and the days have been hot and dry. Unfortunately, the temperature is going to drop 20° by Friday. :-(

Right before 8pm, I heard a guy shout in what sounded like a panicked and angry voice. My first thought was Mr. Twenties getting run over again, but then I looked out the front window and saw two guys and a woman entering the circle on bikes. I didn’t see the first biker but the other guy and woman seemed younger and my first thought was that it was the punk with the loud car and his father and sister. But they never re-entered the circle after leaving it unless they did so without shouting at each other, and I haven’t heard the car, so I guess it wasn’t them.

Slept great but last night I was slightly on edge. Didn’t feel as good as I did the night before but tonight I’m feeling okay so far. Still not having anything that literally constitutes being anxious so that much is good. My next milestone goal is to get to August. That’s when I go from being 60% hopeful to 80%. Still don’t want to get my hopes up too high but it’s looking good so far. It’s been 8 months since my last period and while I don’t want to get my hopes up with that either, that’s looking good, too. :-)

Because I fucked up and left the 11th on the calendar for seeing Amy when it was really bumped up to the 14th, he’s got both of those days off. During the 11th we’re going to take Candy for a little test drive and see what it’s like using the free charging stations. We won’t go very far, of course, but maybe up to Auburn or something.

Oh, the joys of having ADD. Really getting impatient with the book I’m writing so even if it’s not always a good thing to do, I’m going to rush it along and get it done and over with so I can get bored with another story during July’s Camp NaNo, LOL.

The waterless small animal shampoo arrived. It leaked a little but the bottle is still full. The baby powder scent is lovely. I don’t know if the rats care one way or the other, but the pigs seem to like it.

Fuzzy used to sit on my shoulder as I’d open the fridge to get his cheese. Now he jumps into the fridge and tries to help himself, haha!

Digital Expressions is shutting down after 17 years. Never wrote much there anyway since I didn’t like their text editor much. It replaced apostrophes with these funny symbols and I can’t do anything “privately” while still being public since people always find me. As I’ve said before, if I want someone to know I signed up wherever, I would tell them. Sometimes I just like to write for a different group of people and see how they react. That ain’t happening unless I create a bogus email account and join in a bogus name and that’s just not worth it to me. So I’ll likely be just MO or private in most places.

Aly didn’t deactivate her Ask account but I did. Why get questions I’m going to have a hard time answering due to their shit? Maybe Ask will sell the damn site someday to someone better equipped to handle all the traffic and that won’t need to resort to tactics that will drive users away.

Meanwhile, we’re both on CC now and I suspect Kim is, too.

“Do you worry a lot about things?”

This was a question I was asked anonymously that smacks of Kim.

I asked Aly if she wanted me to identify myself when asking her questions and she said I didn’t have to because she could usually tell what was from me. To this, she added a grinning emoji, and again I wondered just how she’s able to make me on so many things. But I also don’t see how she could hack my account and find that info either. We can’t keep track of the things we’ve asked others. Aly would have to hack Ask itself in order to find that info out. Could she do something like that and get away with it? Would she do it if she could? I would think that would be awfully risky but who knows? The only other way she could find this out would be to hack my computer and I would think my virus protection would have picked up on that by now, but I’m not a computer expert. She knows more about this kind of thing than I do.

But yeah, she really makes me wonder at times. Maybe she’s psychic or unusually intuitive because there were times, after all, when I mentioned sensing someone on Ask who knows us, and she said she got that feeling, too. Well, if she could just hack Ask and find out, why not do that? And why disallow anonymous comments as she did for a while, saying she wanted to know who was asking what? So she’s probably just very intuitive or a lucky guesser.

Started unsubscribing from sweeps because I just don’t win often enough for it to be worth wading through all the spam. It’s like the sponsors take advantage of entrants and see it as a legal opportunity to spam the shit out of them. Besides, getting other people’s “congratulations” really gets to me. I don’t know why, but I fucking hate that. It’s just so rude and unnecessary to congratulate someone on someone else’s win and get them all excited for nothing. Only the real winners should be notified. Not everyone entered the contest.

Learned what a “gold star” lesbian is, LOL, when pouring through some questions and answers on CC. I guess it’s a lesbian who has never been with a man and never intends to be either.

I still consider myself technically bi because I have been attracted to some men here and there. Just not as many men as women. You know you’re growing old, though, when the thought of being liked by someone you consider gorgeous doesn’t excite you the way it would years ago. I don’t think I’d feel anything at all.

I still watch random videos before bed when I’m unwinding and I’ve browsed through many videos of stories where people claim to have gone to heaven while others go to hell. I just never know whether or not they’re true stories, hallucinations, or maybe they’re just making it all up.

I still worry about an afterlife existing even though I would prefer for there to be absolutely nothing at all. Still don’t know if there is one, but the possibility concerns me because if there is a hell, how do I know that’s where I won’t end up? Well, I guess when these dark possibilities worry me, I just try to reassure myself that there’s just as much chance of me ending up in a good place as there is a bad one.

Then there’s the debate on how humanity will end. Most scientists and laureates believe it will end due to the population rising and environmental degradation.

I disagree. I believe it’ll end by their second guess… Nuclear war. I think climate change, environmental damage and disease are actually what would be the case if not for a nuclear war. So I think their second guess is most likely and their first guess is the next likely.

I can’t say when this war will happen, but I think it’s about a hundred years away. I don’t think it will happen until technology advances so far that just a few bombs are all it takes to destroy humanity. Right now, the people crazy enough to start shit don’t quite have the power to do much harm. The biggest threat is from the Middle East and North Korea. They’re even crazier than Trump. Trump is too selfish to spite himself in order to spite others in that he wouldn’t be willing to kill everybody in the world if it meant killing himself as well. Once the most advanced weapons get into the wrong hands is when worldwide chaos, death and destruction will occur. And yes, there are plenty of people who will kill themselves and their families to kill others.

Coming up on 8 weeks without any serious anxiety! Just a touch on edge here and there. So now I have a faint glimmer of hope that while hormones may still be a factor, the brand and dose were also issues. I’d now say there’s a 60% chance it was.

Traffic woke me up once when I temporarily took the buds out during my sleep, though I still slept well overall and feel rested. Figured the cocoon was a waste of time and money, though.

Okay, here’s what I’m going to do regarding Becky and Sarah. It’s Becky’s birthday today. I’ll wish her a happy birthday in a DM and will do the same for Sarah on September 14th. After that, if I don’t hear from them, we’re done. They’ll never hear from me again unless it’s to give them a piece of my mind. I don’t expect to tell them how I really feel, though, as long as Tammy’s alive and we’re connected. It’s only out of respect for her that I don’t let the narcissistic, selfish brats in on what I’m really thinking.

Fed up with the issues they have, Aly and I left Ask for Curious Cat. Since she asked me one of her answers to a question I asked her anonymously, again I wonder if she’s hacked my account. But she’d have to hack more than that to know I asked it. Ask doesn’t have a ‘sent’ section of any kind. So as I’ve asked a million times before, how does she know certain questions are from me no matter how I write them, and how did she really find my old PB account?

Let’s see her find Just Too Funny. I deleted the one she found and created this one for paraphrased entries. I used a real email addy and my real name but this time I blocked every account of hers I could think of and set it to MO.

This is just too weird. After a nice hot dry day, It’s raining. Steadily but not really pouring. Strange for this time of year but despite the rain and wearing the wrong glasses, I rode down and tossed the old bread by the lake for the ducks to have for breakfast if it holds up in the rain. My HR was pounding when I got in but settled down at a reasonable pace. There are tons of hills here and I was going fast, like 15-20 MPH.

Tom was walking the rent down to the office when he spotted a couple of ducks fucking a few houses down. LOL, too funny.

He chatted with Mr. Twenties when he and Mrs. Twenties were passing out the Crier. They chatted about the car and other things.

I’ve been sleeping surprisingly well even though Tom said it was noisy today with loud trucks, landscaping and helicopters. Yeah, I don’t doubt it. I’m not kidding when I say this place makes the noisiest of places I’ve lived in seem comatose. It sucks here most of the time. It’s not even quiet at night usually. So far so good tonight, though.

Ran out to Rite-Aid earlier and grabbed a few things. Got a 4-pack of Merlot from a brand I’ve never tried before called Sutter Home. It tastes exactly like Barefoot’s.

I also got Maybelline’s new 24-hour lipstick that’s two-sided. First you brush the color on and then there’s a wax seal. I’m liking it so far. I got a subtle pinkish color that doesn’t really stand out but is just obvious enough to notice.

The cocoon is now in beta testing, though I’m still going to use the buds since I’m only a few days away from an appointment.

Just like last night, I thought I was heading for a new round of anxiety, but I still seem to be holding steady. Maybe not quite as calm as I’d like but nothing serious. At least not yet. I’m less than two days from the ultra-critical zone of the experiment I’ve been doing. I’m only taking a full dose once a week.

Last night I was really cold and tonight I’m just the opposite. I’ve always been sensitive to cold and get cold easily and I’m still hot flashing, but some of the cold may be low thyroid. Can’t really say for sure. I understand, though, that if I can still be experiencing hot flashes, I suppose it makes sense that I could feel some anxiety. I just hope it doesn’t get so bad that it morphs into depression and feelings of hopelessness! I also hope it will get less and less as I become postmenopausal.

Been working non-stop on various pet and household tasks for the last 8 or 9 hours. Getting them out of the way so I can enjoy the weekend whether I end up tired or not.

Nothing woke me up today but my bladder. Got up to pee in the middle of my sleep and had trouble falling back asleep so I slept a little later than expected and pushed myself to get up at 3:30 because I didn’t want my schedule jumping too fast. It would be good for my ENT but not for my dermatologist.

I’m only slightly tired today, though. But sooner or later my luck is going to run out and I’m going to wake up a million times due to whatever or whoever, and I’m going to be too tired to do much. So that’s why I’m glad to have things done and out of the way, like laundry and things like that.

Tomorrow he’s going to pick up a special kind of glue at Lowe’s for the finishing touches of the soundproofing drape or cocoon or whatever you want to call it. Again, even if the Bose had been comfortable enough to sleep with (they’re slightly too big for me), they do a great job masking high-frequency sounds but nothing to mask lower ones like the hum of an air conditioner, traffic, snoring, etc.

Not sure if I’m going to work on my story tonight but I’m still enjoying Slasher even though the producer obviously went out of their way to do everything to make non-whites look good and whites look bad. Typical of today to make whites look like evil haters when more of them hate us these days than we hate them.

Proud of myself for continuing to learn to cook, even if they’re relatively simple things that anyone could make. I’m keeping away from the more intricate dishes like casseroles and things like that.

I sauteed mushrooms in margarine, onions, a touch of garlic salt, and some Worcester sauce. Went great with my tilapia. :)

Got sunflower butter for the first time and it’s pretty weird. Tom even tried it, too. It looks like peanut butter but it’s runny. Although it’s a thick glob, you could pour it out of its jar as I did into my smoothie. I love sunflower seeds but I’m not sure I like this. I’m just weird like that. Love tomatoes, but hate tomato soup. Love OJ, but can’t stand oranges or anything that smells orangy.

Adding a bit of carbs to my diet is helping with hunger.

So glad we’re finally hitting the 90s! Should warm up the pool nicely. :) Just disappointed that the warmer weather isn’t canceling out the planes like it does the freeway. It’s better than when it’s cooler and windy but still not like it was before last fall when only small planes and helicopters were annoying.