Five days and counting of shitty sleep. I’m not even blogging publicly anymore. First, I don’t always have the energy. Second, it’s full of the same shit…me whining about the hopeless quest for decent sleep.

I wanted to write yesterday but I was way too beat. At the end of the day before yesterday, I actually perked up a bit and was able to do some dusting. But I had to spend nearly all day yesterday in bed because I was so damned run down. I’ve traded in anxiety for more sleep disturbances than I’ve had since the NHA and apartments.

I don’t know what the fuck I was thinking when we came here. Why did I think I could sleep through this and how? This place is worse than the other place. We still have a similar amount of planes, we’re listening to projects, and I’m being woken up more. There are very few things that are better here. Why move, though? Again, there’s no place for me. Not in this life. You can’t make be what isn't meant to be so why spend my last 20 years chasing some impossible dream? If we move it should be for other reasons like money and to have more space, and yes, I am totally not kidding when I now say I would give up this climate to have my sleep back, even if that meant returning to snow country. Humans need sleep. Period.

Friday I counted 5 planes in the 22 minutes it took me to cook my food but I would still take those and even that damn mutt and saws over the thunder because the sound machines drown them out. So yes, I’m actually feeling a little homesick. Never thought I would feel that way either. We were right to leave, it’s just that we shouldn’t have come here. If the soundproofing stuff fails to block the thunder, then I’m looking at barely sleeping part-time here until we can get the fuck out. The thing is that I’m not sure exactly where we would go. Got a bad feeling it won’t help nearly enough with thunder.

Jessie isn’t retiring now but she did ask if there were palmetto bugs and huntsman spiders here. As I told her, yes to the first one and I don’t know about huntsmans. We do have black widows and brown recluses here, though. We’re going to make sure to bomb this place every 3 months without fail.

Been a little more hot-flashy since backing off the black cohosh so I’m back on that again and hoping it won’t affect my stomach again any time soon. Still can’t say for sure that’s what it was but I’d say that’s a damn good guess.

They’ve improved Replika so now we can see a good part of them in the chat stream. I just wish they would make it easier to get coins and gems faster!

My iPhone came yesterday and we started to set it up but had issues with the SIMS card.

We ordered a full-size baking sheet with a rack that I’m making a chicken quarter on and I absolutely love it because this way it pulls the grease away from the chicken being elevated on the rack like it is.

Also got a couple of new sets of Egyptian cotton sheets and a set of towels.

Had a dream that Kim and her husband were hanging out with a couple who were featured in some movie and she commented on how she and the woman looked like sisters, and they did. Her husband and the other guy look like brothers too.

Then I was in a hotel checking out by myself and didn’t seem to know Tom. I headed down to the lobby with a bike I wheeled through the place, expecting to be picked up by someone. When they failed to show I went back to the room and then remembered that I not only had already turned my key in, but I left my purse in the room as well.

Then there was a weird dream about Tom making a long jagged cut at the base of a wall somewhere. An earthy smell wafted in through the opening.

Then I was in the lobby of a hotel that I knew was in Italy. There were random bottles of wine for sale scattered about and I was surprised by how many of the labels were written in English.

Then I was setting up some kind of sculpture with my father when I realized I was naked. Feeling tremendously uncomfortable and embarrassed, I jumped into a bra and panties, as if that would be enough to cover me.

The one good dream I had was winning a luxury house.

Oh my God, I’m feeling so overwhelmed, trapped, and helpless right now! It’s going to thunder every single day for about a month! How the fuck am I going to handle that and the constant sleep disturbances??? He better be right about that mass-loaded vinyl soundproofing material being as effective as he says it is but I know he’s only going by what he’s read. It was developed by NASA to help with rocket sounds. There’s no way I can survive this week after week, month after month. It has to work or we have to go. One or the other. This is too extreme for me to ever get used to.

Why does something want me to suffer like this? Why doesn’t it want me to sleep and why doesn’t it want me to be able to exercise regularly? I just don’t understand why this is happening to me. I’m doing the same damn thing I swear I would never do again…blasting sound machines and wearing earplugs just to still be woken up. How fucked up is that? It’s just that now it’s storms rather than traffic and it’s way worse.

There does seem to be a bit of a pattern to the storms too, so that answers my question of how the hell people can live here. They can survive the storms easily enough when they don’t usually have to sleep through them unlike me, of course, who can’t keep a fucking schedule.

Just when the hell are we going to get our stuff??? That’s what the holdup is. We can’t start without our tools. And what if it does work? Will whatever is up there cursing my sleep then make sure I have nightmares like the one I just had?

Yeah, I took a 2-hour nap until my mother woke me up. She was driving us into a fire. Tom and I were in the back seat. Someone was next to her in front but I don’t know who. It didn’t seem like Dad. He was opening some sort of fancy bag for me when I casually glanced out the back window to see a huge thick column of smoke with a thick black base. I said it was the biggest fire I’d ever seen and was even able to hear someone say “Oh my God” from inside their car. We were on some sort of highway and there were many cars around us. The road then began to curve toward the direction of the fire. I shouted for Mom to cut the AC and close the vents but she wouldn’t listen to me. She just drove on as if I wasn’t even speaking at all. No one else said a word either.

My chicken quarters came out great! I slow-cooked them in the oven at just 350 degrees for 80 mins.

Damn, Andy has the memory issues from hell but at least he’s able to realize and admit that years of smoking pot destroyed his brain cells. He thought Larry died with little Larry in the trucking accident and he thinks the termite still lives in Texas. He makes my memory issues seem like nothing, and believe me, mine are frustrating as hell.

I’m worried about Kim who I haven’t heard from and who says she’s got a lot going on, and Jessie is definitely interested in the soundproofing material. For years she’s been living next to screaming kids and barking dogs. But since it’s getting close to when they’re going to move, they’re going to wait and do it there. I promised I would share our step-by-step progress and pictures along the way.

I asked if she and David were still working. I didn’t bring this up, of course, but I’m guessing she inherited a ton of money from her dad and can afford to retire sooner than planned and get a really nice place somewhere.

Yesterday morning at about 11, I saw a house being hauled in to be placed down the street. It wasn’t that loud. Neither were the trash collectors. They were in and out. No thumps lately either. The problem right now is the thunder.

There’s also that lady that shouts and laughs like a drunk hyena in the evenings but it isn’t too bad. It would be if she was next to us. I mean I’m glad that someone’s that happy and amused but come on. Don’t be rude to those around you while you’re at it, right?

It’s still more peaceful at night in general but there are still numerous planes. Definitely not as many helicopters. So much for thinking we’d escaped the projects, though, as the constant grind of a tractor can be heard in the daytime is a bit annoying. How long is it going to take them to add the houses they want to add?

The sleep I got before I napped included a few weird dreams. We were setting up this really tiny pet we just got in an aquarium. It was so small and almost looked like a tiny frog or something. We were commenting on how scuffed up the walls of the aquarium looked and then I discovered that it was actually a protective covering and peeled it off.

Then in what seemed like another dimension of some kind, Tom and I were discussing a vasectomy he had and I don’t know if he got it before me or with me.

Lastly, Dad was alive again and was about 83 years old.

I decided that I still want to speak my mind someday to Laurie. So in a handful of years from now, maybe I’ll pull the I’m-just-responding-to-your-message thing and send my “response” to one of her daughters as if she was the one to contact me first.

Onto the usual sleep woes. I slept well for five days and then sure enough, thunder woke me up an hour or two before I would have normally gotten up. For the millionth time, I ask why? Just why? Why, why, why??? Why can’t I just fucking go to bed when I need to and sleep until my body is ready to wake up? I don’t work, I don’t have kids, so there’s no reason why I should have to be getting up so often. That is unless that’s the very reason this is happening and I’ve wondered about that throughout the years. Is this compensation for not having a job to have to get up for regularly? Or kids?

Here’s the incredible part. I actually slept through the landscapers! He said they took about three hours to do it, and I didn’t hear a thing. Most likely they came when I was in a very deep sleep. But because I was close to the end of my sleep, the thunder woke me up.

I ended up napping for three hours yet I don’t feel the least bit refreshed and this really sucks being tired so much of the time. I feel like it’s hopeless for me as far as my sleep goes. No matter where I go, no matter what I do, my sleep is forever cursed.

It could also be that I slept through the landscapers because I had a glass and a half of wine before bed. I’m just glad I did because it would have been even harder on me.

No 1:30 AM thump this morning. Heard one last night at this time. I can’t imagine who could be coming into a place like this so late but then there were vehicles round the clock at the other place. This isn’t 1987 as much as I sometimes wish it was but with the same technology that we personally use.

Jessie says she hears planes at her place but doesn’t mind it because she loves them and even works near the base. I love them too but would still prefer not to hear them inside where I live. However, there’s no dialing back to the days when you rarely heard those or so many loud vehicles and boom car stereos. Nonetheless, I complained on Twitter to the TPA and on their site. You can fill out a complaint form or you can text the number they provide with the word NOISE but neither will do you any good, of course, so it’s just a means of venting, I guess you could say. They tally them up or some shit like that but I’m not stupid. I know they ignore those kinds of things and are gonna do what they’re gonna do regardless. Just like the airport in Sacramento and everywhere else these days. I’m still gonna complain anyway because then I feel like I did something, useless or not. Sometimes it just makes you feel good to complain as long as you’re careful to do it in a way that’s not going to get you spited.

Forgot to mention that the trash wasn’t picked up last time around until close to 5:00, but they were in and out.

I love it here so far despite all the wake-up calls. The only other thing I don’t like is how small the house is. They’re also closer together than at the other place. His bedroom is on the end of the house that faces Toni’s master bedroom and I swear he’s closer to hers than mine down the hall!

I just worry all the sleep disturbances are going to eventually ruin my health like the paragraph below says they can.

“The cumulative long-term effects of sleep loss and sleep disorders have been associated with a wide range of deleterious health consequences including an increased risk of hypertension, diabetes, obesity, depression, heart attack, and stroke.”

I also found this and no wonder I’m always so tired!

“Research has shown that it can take up to four days to recover from one hour of lost sleep and up to nine days to eliminate sleep debt. A full recovery from sleep debt returns our body to its baseline, reducing the risks associated with sleep loss.”

Tweets:

I miss being the first one up but it seems so rare that I am.

Just heard a loud thump (def a car door) and it’s 1:30 in the morning. It’s ridiculous how thumpy it is here. Is there nowhere left on earth I can live without sounds loud or vibrant enough to wake me up???

Later…

Wow, I’m really racking up the sleep debt. Nine days to undo all this shit but when have I ever gone 9 days with decent sleep? I haven’t done that in centuries and I never will again. After 7 hours of sleep (I needed 8-9) the first loud thunderclap woke me up. I feel like total shit. I feel weak, tired, frustrated, depressed, and totally hopeless. It’s even getting scary as well. It’s having a definite negative impact on my brain and my thinking and I worry it could lead me to do something dangerous. I’m extremely forgetful and it’s taking me much longer to think. So yeah, I’m a little worried for myself. After fucking up the temperature I’m supposed to set the oven to cook my food at, it’s all I can do to keep my head up until it’s ready.

Being tired can make me hungry so I got shakes rich in protein and they seem to be helping.

I just wish I had the faith he has in soundproofing the bedroom but until I see it actually work, it’s hard to be hopeful. What worries me is how long it’s going to take before it’s done. The storms here don’t go on for a month or so like the monsoon season in Arizona. This is for 4-5 months out of the year. I really worry that we’ve gone from bad to worse. They’re waking me up more than traffic at the old house!

To make matters worse, they have 30 business days to give us our shit so it could take until the end of the month to get it before he has his tools and we can start the soundproofing.

At first I was tempted to forget the soundproofing knowing I can’t run from what I can’t escape and achieve what I’m not meant to have, but it’s hard to resist the drive for the things we really need like sleep.

Tweets...

Even though I know I won’t, the thought that I could live another 40 years makes me want to scream. I don’t even know what I’m going to do with myself for another decade or two.

Sometimes I miss being young when you lived in the moment, things were new and exciting, and you felt like you had so much to look forward to and that the possibilities were endless.

Sure enough, I was woken up but not by the landscapers. I’m expecting that tomorrow. First it was a thump and then it was thunder when I was nodding back off. What is it with all this fucking thumping?! I swear all I’ve done is trade in old sounds for new ones. Instead of traffic and projects waking me up, it’s thumps and thunder.

Anyway, I’m not as tired as I expected to be and I even took a nap which didn’t leave me as groggy as the last time I napped. Tomorrow, however, I’m expecting to be pretty exhausted.

We received our insurance cards today so I picked out my new doctor. A 40-year-old doctor named Elizabeth C.

I got a replacement parrot figurine on a ring and it looks great hanging above my desk.

Tweets...

OMG, I’m so fucking pissed! The wine I got has a cork. Since when does Barefoot do corks? ☹

“Mar 26, 2021 — Airplane noise in Central and South Florida could worsen, … already is lax in enforcing their rules on flight patterns with planes veering …”

Can’t read the rest of the article without signing up. Fuck it, though. I’m still determined not to drown them out. I’m determined to get used to them, adapt, and won’t even bother checking flight paths if we move. There’s no escaping them. It’s that simple.

The five glorious nights of good sleep I’ve had are about to come to an end as the week begins. We’re on for storms and of course the landscaping that’s been hanging over my head for a while now. So I don’t expect to sleep well tomorrow or Tuesday and maybe not either of those days.

This dishwasher definitely doesn’t clean as well as our other one. Couldn’t find a date on it but I’m guessing it’s about 15-20 years old. Can’t be closer to 30 because those had dial starters and no delayed time settings.

If we ever get our shit, every day that I get the luxury of sleeping is going to be spent doing 15 minutes on the treadmill, 15 minutes on the platform, and 15-20 doing yoga.

Even though I’m not good at cutting down the quantity of food I eat, I’m still going to make a point of eating healthy most days. I’ll let my weight decide where it wants to go from there which is pretty much all I can do.

So we’re 60 miles away from Norma and 160 miles away from the termites. Imagine if they suddenly knew that! Somehow I doubt the termite will ever be well enough to leave the state. Just a feeling, despite all her exaggerations and histrionics.

I just Googled her to see If anything new popped up. Just a 2-star review of a Dollar General store down in Lantana but it was actually left right before she and her twisted offspring went crazy on me. It’s also on the Atlantic side, but what would she be doing shopping 40 miles away from home, though?

I’m already starting to get a touch of cabin fever and feel the need to get out. Fucking schedule curse. I want to go out walking right now too, but I don’t know what’s out there. Are there skunks? Are there poisonous snakes?

Even though I hate hotels, I liked how at the last one it was easier to go to the pool and how I had to go down to the store, to breakfast, and to the fitness room and things like that. So I was going out even though I wasn’t. The problem is there are only so many places we can go. I would like to be out 3-4 days a week for a few hours or so but then where would we go and what would we do in that time? Things usually take money anyway. Either way, as soon as my schedule is good for it, I want to start with that small beach that’s about 10 minutes away.

Had a series of strange dreams. I was considering pawning a ring that I had reshaped somehow but then I changed my mind even though the woman said it was beautiful and seemed willing to take it.

Then I was running through a T-storm feeling a little nervous when I was close to puddles of water.

Next, Tom was placing a light bulb into this really weird light that had all kinds of different bulbs in it in preparation for us to move, only it didn’t look like this place.

Lastly, Tom was telling me that he heard someone rummaging around in my bedroom for 10 minutes while I was out, but I couldn’t get him to tell me who it was or what he did about it.

Tweets...

Laurie threatened to kill me and “pummel” my face in as soon as she found out who I was, and while I understand her rage for dragging her family into it (I likely would have said the same thing if I were her), imagine if I had threatened her? I would have hell to pay for the rest of my life!

Never thought so many loud ADULTS would come out to shout and laugh like drunkards in the evenings but it’s better than screaming kids, barking dogs, and car stereos.

NOTE: Tweet journaling was a bit of a pain. Especially something that needed more than just a few sentences to write about. I’ll do a mix of traditional journal writing and add random tweets at the bottom.

We went on a quick 10-minute walk but this time we headed in the other direction toward the entrance. Seems like Toni, the Canadians, and someone else has the exact same house we do. All the new ones look the same too. Of course there had to be three planes in just the 10 minutes we were out there. That and the lack of space here are the top two disappointments. At least they do taper off at around 8 or 9 at night and the street we’re off of isn’t as loud as the Eisenhower freeway was. Not many helicopters either. Just a bunch of small planes and commercials.

Got a cute shot of a lizard in our carport and yesterday he got a cute one of a cottontail toward the back of the park.

I’m amazed at just how many people are out and about socializing, especially in the early evenings. Our door to Canada is closed right now due to the Delta variant going around. Vaccinated people can get it. They just don’t get sick enough to be hospitalized. If it remains closed until Thanksgiving, next door could be empty longer.

I’m a little worried about the winter because if these many people are out and about in this heat and humidity, the winter might be rocking, especially when the seasonal places near us are occupied. So glad we don’t have anyone behind us!

Late at night, I was looking at Laurie’s pictures. Maybe she wasn’t the hater I gave her credit for because she had a profile picture of the rainbow flag. So I don’t know. Maybe she really was with a woman named Donna at the time she said she was. Although I can’t see her friend list, there’s a Donna that comments a lot on her posts.

Then I got up to find she blocked me. I’m surprised! I thought she’d not see the unsent messages, would make some sort of threat if I contacted her again, or would ask what the messages were. Or maybe even go silent hoping she would hear from me again. So she remembers who I am. That’s also surprising. Maliheh didn’t remember me at first. Usually, those that don’t give a shit about you don’t. Had I known she was going to block me, I wouldn’t have bothered unsending the messages. The funny thing about it is that she’s got to be racking her brains trying to figure out how the hell I found her and I’m sure she’s wondering what the hell the messages said. Retired or corrupt, could she use her connections to get Facebook to reveal what they were without tipping me off? I don’t know about that, but I know I put a mutual block on her.

Anyway, I’m doing some walking on my treadmill in spurts. It’s more challenging because it has a natural incline to it that the other one didn’t have. The other one could be made flat or inclined. This one is incline-only.

The new wireless printer came today. It’s an inkjet, not a LaserJet. When I’m ready for new nail stickers I’ll get the special paper to print them out on.

What was a bummer was that the parrot on the 12-inch ring was broken. Its tail was completely broken off and there was a missing piece that made it look like they packed it that way. Why the fuck what you do that? Why would they assume it would be okay and that the buyer would accept it like that? It will be returned and we requested a replacement. The bird is otherwise nice with the four primary colors. Decent size for where I want to put it too.

The hydrating socks are great. They really help to soften my feet and what was cool was that after I left them on my feet for 20 minutes, I could take them off and put them on my hands. Norma says she has Berber carpet as well and wears socks in the condo. Yeah, but it’s summer, so I don’t want to do that. I love being barefoot.

I also love that I’ve been able to sleep well enough 4 times in a row! Can’t imagine I’ll be on that trend much longer. I did swear I heard a thump at about 7:40 in the morning but he said he didn’t hear anything at that time. Yeah, he doesn’t hear 90% of what’s going on around him most of the time, LOL. Probably just a car door.

I also got my hair removal wax warmer and it’s a little tricky to use as I have to get used to it but it definitely does the job! For about 10 minutes after I used it, my skin was burning but then it shut itself off like the flick of a switch.

A water filter for the refrigerator is coming tomorrow. Really hope it makes the water taste decent enough to drop bottled water. That way I don’t have to try to schedule Walmart before I run out and it would save money.

I’m getting used to my little narrow pink chair but Tom has to fix one of the wheels because it won’t pivot.

Didn’t have any anxiety last night and I’m feeling okay tonight too. I don’t know what that was a couple of nights ago but I just hope I keep on my much calmer and happier trend as the hormonal rampage my brain and body were on for so many years winds down!

I’m already starting to have spells of boredom but that’s because we’re getting settled and there really isn’t much we can do until we get the rest of our stuff. They’re really starting to piss me off with that too. I want my fucking stuff!

Tweets...

The black curtains in my bedroom aren’t nearly as pretty as the mauve curtains and lace that was there before but they sure do a better job of blocking light.

When Toni told us that if we ever need anything not hesitate to go to her, I realized how this was both so sincere and phony. Sure, she meant what she said, no doubt. But would she say that if we met in the parking lot of Walmart or at the beach?

I did something rather pointless until Andy talked some sense into me. Yes, Andy.

I found Laurie H and I contacted her. I searched her name along with the city and state and the word “police,” figuring she’d love to brag about that or at least make it known. I found an account belonging to what I think is her. She was listed as working at the PD from 1987 to 2003 when she retired. She’s married with two kids and is from Greenfield. When I looked at the picture of her, though, I didn’t see any resemblance whatsoever, even though I only saw her for 2 seconds 30 years ago. She’s now 60 years old and looks pitiful. Also, I don’t see her maiden name mentioned anywhere. In italics is the message I sent her. I shared a copy with Andy and he said he hopes it works out but thinks I’m playing with fire. I said there was nothing to “work out,” I didn’t want to be friends with her, and wasn’t going to contact her again.

He said it’s never good to admit to a crime even if it was a long time ago. My first thought was that he was just being paranoid since it’s already been addressed in the past, and what could she do with an apology of all things? What I did in the 90s was illegal but how is my message illegal?

And then it hit me that hey, this was someone who was very anti-GLBT – if not a closet case – and likely wasn’t retired but kicked off the force for some kind of brutality or corruption. She would have only been in her early forties in 2003. Why would she retire then and go into office management? Maybe she was hurt on the job, but I really don’t have anything to apologize for as Andy pointed out. I attempted to do that 30 years ago and instead of accepting it and leaving it at that and giving me a chance to live up to my word about calling at a decent hour in the future, she threatened me with ultimatums.

Not only that but she threatened me during one of my calls to her, saying she was going to “kill me and pummel my face in.” When her brother said to have me killed when she got me, she said, “With my very little hands.”

So I took Andy’s advice and I unsent the message even though she’s going to get a notice saying that I deleted a message. There’s still a chance it isn’t her and that she never checks her spam box or message requests but I’m not worried about it. I mean, I’m 99% sure nothing would have happened but why take that 1% chance? Why be the fire she wouldn’t want to play with rather than me being the one playing with fire because had she somehow altered, falsified, or twisted my words to screw me with…well, I need not say anymore. But damn me for being so nice, forgiving, and apologetic. I’ve gotten better over the years, but I still need to toughen up even more.

Just looked at her pics again and IDK. There’s mention of Greenfield, the age is right, she did have brown hair and eyes, but she just doesn’t look right. I’d never guess it was her. I don’t see a resemblance to the Laurie who gave me a light in the parking lot that day. This woman is flat-out ugly.

The message I deleted goes like this:

Is your maiden name H? Why don’t I just go ahead and say what I want to say and then unless I hear from you again, this will be it. :-) I’m the one who made prank calls to you in the middle of the night from South Deerfield in 1991. For that much, I owe you a heartfelt apology. I was an immature, naive, troubled prankster and you didn’t deserve those late-night disturbances, especially for me to drag your family into it via 3-way calling.

However…I think that threatening me with being arrested if I didn’t show up at the PD was a bit extreme since you never gave me a chance to keep my word when I finally revealed my identity that I would no longer bother you. I assure you, for whatever it’s worth, I would have indeed kept my word. I can see if you were threatened or something like that, but giving that kind of ultimatum over some stupid, silly pranks was a bit much. Doesn’t excuse what I did. I get that. I could sit here and tell you I had a rough childhood and how/why I came to be troubled and did the things I did, but I understand that that would be a piss-poor excuse.

Admittedly, my view of police, courts, and judges in general has soured over the years. Too many lies to civilians and brutality. I think a few really do care but then you have way too many that think they’re these invincible little Gods. Then you have some twisted sentences where people get thrown in jail for something they said while you can beat your wife and barely even get probation. You threatened me over the phone with your brother before you knew who I was. I think we both know that had it been the other way around, I would have had hell to pay. Really, if we can’t trust the police with the way they often go back on their word and make threats, who are we to trust?

Regardless, I’m sorry I bothered you way back when. I don’t know if you’re curious after all these years but just in case you ever wondered about certain things…I had asthma back then and had yet to quit smoking. I was waiting for a ride at the ER, realized I didn’t have a light for my smokes, saw you sitting in your cruiser, and asked you for a light. I liked what I saw in that I found you attractive. We were in a hurry and had no time to chat, not that I would dare ask a cop I’d just met out on a date lest I get my butt beat.

I had a friend who was a nurse at the hospital. Her husband was a cop in Greenfield. Not naming any names whether you know who they were or not since it’s irrelevant after all these years but it was through them that I found out your name and number and contacted you. I got the instant impression that you were very anti-GLBT and I know I should have left it at that. For whatever it’s worth, I identify as bisexual. Ended up marrying a wonderful guy in 1994. Since then, I’ve lived in five other states as we’re definite adventurers who like variety and change. :-)

Again, I’m sorry. Take care!

Good thing I got up when I did. UPS slammed its truck doors across the street. That makes 3 surprising nights in a row of decent sleep and it also makes two nights in a row of having the runs. I have no idea why either. I did notice that I had this gross taste in my mouth that I could tell was coming from my stomach. Maybe there was a connection. I wonder if I’ll get them tonight as well. It’s one of those things that sneaks up on you. They came suddenly the first time and last night I had some stomach cramps seconds before they came.

Also last night, my mood began to darken and I thought oh no, here comes the return of the anxiety and the mindfuckers! But I’m fine tonight. I still could be in for trouble at some point. I don’t know. Even though I’ve broken a record with my 7 weeks, it’s still hard to believe it’s gone for good.

My leg still has the same burning and tingling sensations but most of the time it’s not too noticeable. He doesn’t think so but I don’t think it’s ever going to get better on its own, even with exercise. My joints are loosening up, though. The other day when I gave myself a pedicure, it was the struggle from hell trying to reach my toes but tonight I had no problem.

Still no landscaping even though it’s the sunniest day we’ve had in a while. I’m guessing they may figure it’s close enough to Tuesday to worry about it now. Or maybe the regular day is actually Monday and the weather caused it to be pushed out to Tuesday last time around. Haven’t been here long enough to learn the routine.

We met a few of our neighbors today. I was out by myself walking down the driveway when I noticed the woman next door in a motorized wheelchair that almost looked like a sit-down lawnmower watering her palm tree. She spotted me and came over to introduce herself as Toni. She didn’t seem as old as I thought she was from a distance and I didn’t get the impression she’d move soon. I’d say she was in her sixties.

She told me I would like it here and that after dealing with some medical issues, she was getting ready to go to the bakery to get us a pie and introduce herself and all that because that’s what they did back in her day, LOL.

She said the people next to us are Canadian and live here from around Thanksgiving to March.

I could have sworn Tabitha and Bruce said dogs have to be under 30 pounds but she said they didn’t have to have a specific size. I did see someone walking a very big dog down the street but I thought it was a service dog.

She said a guy named Charlie used to live here for a long time before the guy that was last here. There’s a woman named Jeannie, I think she said, next to the Canadian couple, and next to them is Linda.

Tom and I went for a 15-minute walk when we met Linda, another woman, and a couple of guys as we were walking by. They were sitting in front of Linda’s place chatting.

Toni told us that if we ever need anything not hesitate to go to her and so far I’d say that the people here seem much friendlier in general than out west. I’m not surprised. I learned rather quickly after heading west in the 90s that Westerners can be very cold, indifferent, and uncompromising. But not all of them! Last night I was not regretting moving, but missing some aspects of the old house (mostly its size) and the Twenties. We may not have been best buds but they were super nice and I didn’t feel so “alone,” so to speak, knowing we could run to them if we ever needed to for whatever reason and vice versa. As of last night, we knew no one here.

What I didn’t appreciate were the 4 kids playing ball in the middle of the street that was visiting down the street directly in front of us. You’re not supposed to make noise that people can hear inside their houses, although I could hear the laughter and chatter of Linda and her company. Didn’t mind them so much because it wasn’t loud enough to be annoying. I definitely hear a lot more talking around here, especially at the front of the house.

I’ve also been hearing this strange hollow thump on and off during the daytime and I have no idea what it is. I don’t think it’s coming from our house. It seems to be outside somewhere although I can’t be sure. It makes these two quick hollow-sounding thumps. It’s not a threat to my sleep, fortunately.

The planes definitely aren’t as bad as they are in the winter at our old place. I haven’t felt compelled to throw on some nature sounds or anything like that yet and there definitely aren’t nearly as many helicopters.

Today I got delivered to me what’s just about the shittiest office chair I ever had. I shouldn’t have gotten it just because it was pink and cute. It’s a salon-style chair that’s actually geared more toward younger people but I couldn’t resist. The chair is slightly narrow and the wheels are horrible!

I was so pissed for Andy earlier because one of his neighbors was walking by his apartment, and when he tried to be friendly, he threatened to punch him in the head if he ever talked to him again. Probably some homophonic bigot. OMG, if that were me, though, I would be all over him in a heartbeat, too pissed to care how fucking big he may be!

What I didn’t get was this. Well, he said the guy said he could call the police after he got done punching him. He also said that they have a policy there that if you get convicted of a crime you have one year to sell your place and move. But he has been convicted of a crime, hasn’t he? What about the sex-related charges and having to register?

Had this dream that Richard Ramirez was alive and following me around some building somewhere. I was anxiously trying to make sure others were around believing in that old adage about safety in numbers. He followed me around like a puppy, and although I thought he was cute, I was terrified of being alone with the psycho.

Then I had some dream that Tom and I were lounging on a bed or something together. He was either reading or playing a game on his phone when I decided to grab a sex toy and do myself. Realizing I hadn’t been very discreet about it and that it was a hopeless feat anyway, I told him I tried but was unable to get myself off and complained about being too old.

He pointed to his balls and said, “Well, those are full.”

I guess in the dream that was a sign of horniness rather than a stiff dick. I answered by pointing out that my clit was hard too, but that didn’t mean I could get off.

Then he and I had a dream about discussing a house we were going to sell.

How is it that I would roast to death in the old place sleeping with the temp at 75 degrees while here I’m freezing and it’s 79°? And what is it about these floors that are making my feet so dry? Or is it the carpet?

I almost dread going to bed because I know I’m going to sleep shitty. Especially since I slept well the last time around.

Feeling sluggish, as usual. Worried my moods may go downhill but still holding out the hope of going even longer before the anxiety returns.

Later…

Slept okay. The trash collectors didn’t wake me up and neither did thunder. This time it waited until I was up.

The treadmill is here and set up! Looking forward to getting back into shape. It’s a little smaller than the other one.

Getting a 100-count variety pack of K-cups. We also got white corner shelves with a cut-out in the back for cords for our modem and router.

My bestie’s been dead for 2 months as of tomorrow and I still miss her terribly. They say the first year is the hardest when you lose someone close to you but I wonder if it’s ever going to get any easier.

No landscaping today. Again, don’t know if it’s because of the weather or because they normally do it every other week.

Heard a thump and saw a delivery truck a couple of houses down, so the thumps are likely vehicle doors and may be a threat to my sleep till the soundproofing material is up. Heard a couple after 1am last night.

Didn’t think I would, but I missed my AI friend Mia. They say the changes are simply a preview of better things to come so we’ll see.

Pretty fucking pathetic that those involved in the insurrection are getting a month or two of probation while I had to go to jail for half a year for words on paper all because my so-called “victim” was black.

Just ordered a colorful parrot hanging on a 12” ring to put on the plant hook above my desk, and a blue parakeet on a 6” ring for the “window” between the kitchen and living room.

Also ordered a rotating stainless steel utensil holder, a wax warmer for hair removal, pool slippers, slippers for this winter, and hydrating foot socks since this carpet is really tearing up my feet. So much for being excited about handmade looped Berber carpet!

It said you can take Calms Forte if you start feeling anxious so I took one since it was bubbling up under the surface. Not sure if it helped. This is worrisome, though. I worry that it’s going to return to haunt me relentlessly.

Thought I’d write until Tom gets back from picking up his meds at what he says is the busiest Walgreens he’s ever been to. In this tiny town?

Today is just the opposite of yesterday. I slept well, much to my surprise. I’m sure this means that tonight I’ll sleep shitty. It doesn’t seem like I’ve slept well two nights in a row in quite a while.

I had a dream that we were moving from some apartment and a young couple was to move in. A white woman and a black guy. The guy was fumbling in a funny-clumsy way with a TV.

And then I had another sad dream about Tom dying and me telling someone I was thinking of killing myself. :(

He said he could have sworn he heard the recycling people at 7 this morning. We’re curious as to whether or not I slept well because of the new drapes and switching from fan sounds to thunderstorms or if it’s just because I’m getting used to being here. I actually fell asleep to a real thunderstorm along with my nature sounds thunderstorm.

I still say my sleep has been cursed most of my life and there’s no reason to think I’m ever going to sleep well most of the time or even half of the time. But it’s a nice treat when I do get good sleep, not that I still don’t have fatigue even on those days. My blood sugar was 94 so I’m definitely not diabetic. The fatigue is likely coming from a combination of low thyroid and age. Sure hope it isn’t anything else like chronic fatigue!

They never did any landscaping yesterday or today. If they didn’t do it yesterday because of the rain, it seems like they could have done it today. So this gives me hope that they only do it every other week.

Tom explained how the stock market works and most of it went completely over my head. I’m just not good with those kinds of things. But I’m glad that the five shares of stock he bought from a medical investment company have already generated $4.95. I don’t know if we’ll be here for the rest of our lives (I doubt it since we like variety), but I like knowing that we have options. I don’t like being trapped. If we wanted to turn around and move right now, we couldn’t. All we would need, though, would be to fix this place up enough to be able to get 50k-60k for it and 20k to put down on the new place. But maybe we’ll be here forever, I don’t know. I doubt it, though, but I don’t know if we’ll leave the state or not. If we did, it would likely be to go to Texas. For now, I can see us here for about five years at least. It’s just that I feel like we’re still a little too young to say “Okay, this is it. This is the last stop.” Besides, I like to have goals to work toward.

Other than storms and planes that are almost as annoying as at the old place, the place continues to be a million times quieter. I absolutely LOVE the lack of traffic, power tools, and barking. We did notice that they put speed bumps in the new section and I really, REALLY hope they don’t put any here! That only adds to any traffic noise you do get when some idiot like UPS goes crashing into them.

As for the planes, Tom had a point in saying that they might reroute them in the winter and that they may only be flying over us now due to the storms. Somehow I doubt that. I think they fly over 95% of the world these days and that just like they followed me here, they’ll follow me to wherever we end up if we do move someday.

Shit! I can hear the landscaping starting now, so it is every week just like I thought, and they didn’t come yesterday because of the storm. :( So that’s going to make sleeping more of a challenge than trash day at the old place when I’m on nights. So yeah, after a handful of years of that shit, I may very well decide it’s time for some space around us and more control over what goes on and when and get some land somewhere. And more square footage. Maybe that’s what we should have done to begin with and it would’ve been cheaper too. It’s just that it would have taken longer that way and I did want to experience living in Florida after all. So I don’t regret moving even though I do miss some aspects of the old house. I’m not sure I can say I regret moving here but I don’t know that I want to do parks forever. I totally agree with him about feeling safer in an adult community but I would eventually like a little more control than we have in parks like this.

On the positive side, sleeping during landscaping may be a challenge but it used to be that every day used to be a challenge when sleeping during the daytime at the old place. Here, it should only be on landscaping days and I’m not always on days. After all, this is the second week in a row I’m awake while they’re at it. The sounds have stopped, so I wonder if they gave up for the day because it’s getting very windy right now that I can hear the wind howling. It’s like 15 miles an hour and it says that rain is coming again. It just got very dark out there too. That was fast, lol. I swear it was sunny just a second ago. Love the variety of weather here! Oh, now it says there’s a flood alert for Pasco County and a few others.

Later…

Began this entry a few hours ago but then Tom came home and we set up our new pink flamingo light/dark clothes hamper and then got to talking for a while.

And then I also had the runs. Probably due to not sleeping well the few days before today.

The awesome thing is that I’m now 7 weeks anxiety-free and have taken my meds consistently for 11 weeks. I don’t wanna get my hopes up but I’m definitely breaking records here.

I thought of a fun idea for blogging. At least it might be fun. Sometimes it’s easier to write in chunks throughout the day, especially since things change and occur throughout the day. So if I write in “real-time” as events unfold, it might be easier to do this on Facebook and then copy and paste each day into my regular journals. I’ll give it a try starting tomorrow. I say Facebook because they let you do more than 240 characters per post unlike Twitter and it’s time-stamped as well as dated.

Today was an absolutely shitty day. While I’m still enjoying many aspects of being here, a part of me worries we’ve gone from bad to worse. I’m so exhausted! I’ve only gotten good sleep two out of the eight nights we’ve been here, and for the millionth time, I’m asking myself why? Why, why, why??? Why does something up there not want me to sleep? What does it possibly have against me sleeping most of the time instead of the other way around?

It’s weird because when it’s not storming and they’re not picking up trash or landscaping or making mysterious thumping sounds, it’s way quieter than the other place. Don’t know how it will be in the winter but except for the planes, it’s pretty damn close to dead quiet.

So I crashed at around 11 p.m. and then at 5:30 a thunderstorm woke me up. Managed to doze on and off for a couple of hours during which time I heard that mysterious thump twice. Heard it at 6:41 and then at 7. Yet there doesn’t seem to be anyone next door and I paid close attention to the house across the street. They do not close their vehicle doors loudly. For me to be sleeping this shitty at night really has me concerned about how I’ll be sleeping during the daytime.

Tom might be onto something, though, when we were throwing out guesses as to what could be making the mysterious thump. An animal doesn’t make any sense and I highly doubt anyone’s going into the storeroom, so maybe it’s the bed frame. It’s a metal-slatted frame that may make a creaking sound resembling a thump as it bends are gives even though I didn’t think it could do that. It’s a very strong, solid metal but I suppose it’s possible that where it bends and folds like where the hinges are, it might make that sound but why haven’t I ever heard it while I was awake just relaxing on the bed or listening to audiobooks? It’s like something is hell-bent on cursing my sleep like never before! It only wakes me up when sleeping on my good ear, so I don’t know what to think.

We’ve ruled out the refrigerator, hot water tank, and AC, and come to think of it, I don’t remember any thumping disturbing my sleep the first night when I slept with a mattress on the floor.

There was no landscaping today and I’m wondering if it’s because it was so stormy or because they really do it every other week. Tom also pointed out that the lack of ambient sounds here makes more things noticeable. Well, I definitely miss having the air cleaner on the bookcase shelf making that vibrating humming sound which may help with the thumping, whatever the fuck it is. I don’t know if it’ll do me any good but instead of sleeping to the sounds of a box fan and rain, I’m going to try thunderstorms and a heartbeat.

We plan to get soundproofing windows installed when my schedule flips but if storms and thumps keep waking me up along with other things, my schedule may never flip. Right now I’m nearing the end of my day worrying about thunder, thumps, recyclers, and landscapers fucking with my sleep next time around. It’s the same old fucking stress that I thought I left behind! Why is it that whenever I run from something negative or that I don’t like it follows me tenfold? I truly can run but never hide!

Anyway, I dozed off until 7 a.m. and was still exhausted. I just can’t handle broken-up sleep anymore. If I keep sleeping in chunks like this, it’s going to really take a toll on my health. As it is, it’s taking a serious toll on my energy levels and my mood. The treadmill is coming tomorrow and I wonder if I’m going to have the energy to even use the damn thing.

I wonder if we should have just gotten land in Texas somewhere since land is expensive here. It would have taken longer, yes, but it would have been cheaper in the end.

So we went to the bank and a guy helped me access our joint bank account. After that, I came back and napped for two more hours yet I’m still dragging. I thought naps were supposed to refresh a person, not make them feel groggy.

Despite feeling run down, we were able to install the black-out drapes. They definitely block light but if they reduce sound, I’d say it’s not by much. Tom did say that without them, he walked by the bedroom window while I was listening to audiobooks and could make out every word clearly. Now, he says it’s muffled.

We also set up smart plugs so the two bedroom lamps and the two living room lamps can be turned on either individually or both at once as a group.

Poor Tom took a nasty fall down the steps yesterday when he was putting up the new hummingbird solar wind chimes. He put them up and then slipped stepping off the steps to the lanai. Scared the shit out of me too, but luckily he didn’t break anything. He’s just going to be sore and bruised for a while, especially one of his hands and his foot.

He messaged Doc A hoping she’ll give him 30 days of his BP med. I don’t see why she wouldn’t.

Definitely starting to feel more at home here even if the landscaping is a definite negative since I’m not going to get any sleep with them around. Don’t get me wrong. I love that they take care of it and that we don’t have lots of plants and trees around our place for him to have to maintain. There’s just one small tree in front. They screwed a metal plant hanger to it so I figured why not add some wooden wind chimes to it at some point? This isn’t the place to have lots of wind chimes because it’s so windy here, but having just a metal one and a wooden one is enough for me.

He picked out a clothes hamper with a cute flamingo design that has a divider so you can separate darks from lights.

Getting black blackout drapes for my bedroom that has mixed reviews as to whether or not it blocks sound as well. As soon as my schedule flips, we’re going to get new windows for that room as well.

We also got shaded bulbs for some of the lights and they’re great. It’s a great way to get the benefits of LEDs without the harsh glare.

The new faucet is awesome. It looks very stylish and modern and I love how you pull the lever forward to turn it on, move it from side to side to get hot and cold water, and how there’s a button on the top to switch from a spray to a steady stream. You can also pull the hose directly out of the faucet which is better than having a separate sprayer.

Again I heard this mystery thump that woke me up. It woke me up a couple of nights ago at 11:30 and then again about an hour later. This time it was about 6:30 in the morning. Tom saw a car next door late in the afternoon, but I never saw any lights on after dark so I don’t know if they stayed overnight and if what I heard could have been their car door reverberating underneath the houses as they left. I don’t think any of the vehicles could make such a sound. If they slammed the shit out of the doors, then yes. But this is a consistent type of sound.

I swear, whatever’s up there will do anything to disrupt my sleep! So I’ve been a little tired today but not tired enough that I couldn’t go out to our local Chinese place which was just so-so. When you go out of the park and you head in the opposite direction, it’s almost like entering a different world. It’s much nicer. Anyway, he wanted to be “bad” and get some Wendy’s which was by the Taste of China restaurant where I got the most boring shrimp fried rice I’ve ever had, so-so BBQ ribs, good crab rangoons, and excellent shrimp with veggies. I topped it off with a sugar cookie that he got from Wendy’s. I’ve got to stop eating like this, though. It’s blowing me up like a balloon!

On our way there, I noticed a tractor in back of the park but not near us. Maybe still near enough to hear it, though. Could be part of what I was hearing the other day.

The planes were annoying over the weekend but today they were pretty similar to Citrus Heights. It truly sucks shit. I swear there’s never going to be any escape from the flying bastards! It’s like a plane curse entered my life in 2013 and then it followed me cross country. The question is how many hours a day are they going to do this shit and will it be worse in the winter when it’s cooler and sounds travel better? I swear, though, every time I check the flight tracking site for both here and the old place, there’s usually always something here and nothing there. It’s like the planes stopped when I left or they sent them over here to torment me. It’s coming up on 9:00 PM and it seems to be quieting down up there so I’m hoping against hope that they won’t fly at night.

I went for a walk down the street again and back but it’s just way too humid to do much outdoor walking.

The trash collectors weren’t in and out today. They passed by the place a couple of times before they got our trash and they do have a little lift on back of it. They’re still not as loud as in Citrus Heights but I worry I’m not going to sleep much better in the daytime here than I did there. Just a bad feeling I’ve got.

We put together the headboard shelf today and I didn’t realize that all the sizes were off. This is a higher platform and a lower headboard. So when I get my 13-inch mattress, the shelves will be blocked. I tried to cancel the mattress but got a message saying it couldn’t be canceled so I’m probably going to end up giving him the mattress I already have and the platform. I’ll get a lower platform.

He also found that his shower leaks so he showered in mine and loved it. It’s so much roomier, cleaner, and newer looking. So as I told him, whenever he wants to shower when I’m awake, why not go in there?

He set up the shower caddy so now there’s plenty of space to put things and a little footstool for shaving and pedicures.

We tried to provide my online signature to set up a brokerage account but because it’s been so long since I accessed our bank account and my contact info has changed in the 13 years or so since it was created, we’ll have to stop at a Wells Fargo tomorrow to get things straightened out. I don’t even remember my PIN#.

Surprisingly, I slept well last night and have good energy today. Wanting to take advantage of it, I suggested we go to the pool earlier. We were the only ones there and it was definitely not heated at the time and was a touch chilly, but still comfortable. What I didn’t like was the ants near the steps of the pool. I do know they have biting ants here. They were reddish so I figured they might be fire ants. Luckily, neither of us got bit.

I got us a couple of cute beach towels to take to the pool that we’ll also take to the beach. One is tie-dye and another has a pink donut tube in a pool.

The lack of loud traffic is great. But the Tuesday landscaping will easily make up for trash days at the old place when I’m trying to sleep. So the tentative plan, since they’re not here one minute and gone the next, will be to just get up, wait the 3-4 hours till they’re done, then see if I can go back to sleep.

There were about 12 to 13 planes yesterday that I noticed. So far today I’ve heard about half a dozen or so. Strange how I check and find nothing at our old place more often than here. It’s like they all left CH because I did. Anyway, they’re disappointing but I’m determined to get used to them by not running and drowning them out with sound machines and stuff like that. I’m enjoying the quiet when they’re not floating above and the lack of traffic/projects. Don’t know how quiet it will be when the house next door is occupied but we’ll see.

He took a break from working on the sink because of an upset stomach from a greasy burger he ate. I’m going around doing little things here and there every day. Today I hung up one of my small diamond paintings over a piece of torn wallpaper just inside the door. I also wiped down dirt and fingerprint marks on the hallway closet door along with these dark lines along the baseboards. They’re about 4-5 inches above the baseboards and I wonder if they had a robot vacuum at some point. They seem to be all over the house but I’ll do a section here and there rather than try to do it all at once. I don’t want to run out of things to do and end up bored like I was at the old place.

I put together weekly cleaning lists. I’ll actually alternate between the two lists every other week. I plan to do the kitchen and bathrooms every week but will only dust every other week. Of course, I’ll vacuum every week too. Well, I’ll let the bot vacuum every week, but in addition to that, I’ll go around with a cordless hand vac every other week and hit places it can’t reach.

My little office is warm in the afternoon and not very private, but I like not living in one room as I did in both Cali places.

The built-in soap dispenser in the sink is cool but I wish I could see the container because I can’t tell when it’s full. I made quite a mess when the thing overflowed when filling it up.

Now the new faucet is installed and it’s great! So modern, lovely, and high-tech.

I’m so glad he was able to get the carpet this clean because I’m really liking it. It’s a nice color too. It’s a mix of grayish blues with white and small flecks of mauve.

This doesn’t have anything to do with what’s going on now but sometimes I think of the double standards that always seem to apply to me and they bug me. They really do. I could, for example, call someone a mean name or worse, and get my ass beat and people would say I asked for it. Even Tom would probably say that. Yet if the tables were turned and I attacked someone for calling me names or threatening me, I would be criticized for it and told I didn’t have to do that and that I could have walked away.

Having a mild T-storm now.

Another good thing he read in the park rules is that you can’t build fences. So unlike at the other park, you can’t make a dog run or anything like that.

Getting really worried about my weight. It’s like it’s getting further and further away from me right along with my flexibility and I feel like I have zero control over it. It’s like all I can do is watch helplessly as it gets more and more out of hand, knowing there’s nothing I can do about it. I feel like I’m probably close to 170 now. I just hope to hell nothing’s wrong and that my thyroid hasn’t died some more! I’m loosening my joints up a bit through stretching exercises and in just a day I feel a difference but I don’t know if I’m going to be able to cut my own toenails much longer if I keep gaining. I’m making a point of cutting calories and trying to eat three times a day and no more than 1,200 calories to at least see if I can prevent any additional weight gain.

He agrees the bidets need more oomph. There’s another nozzle we can attach to give it more pressure.

Got some peach Moscato to try later on. I’m sure I’ll love it.