I’ve come to have quite a crush on singer Gloria Estefan.

I got my hair extensions. It looks good so long as I style it to hide where my own hair is. It cost $140. Ma hung up the phone on me when I told her.

Claire and Tammy, the girls who did my hair extensions, said if I want another row to thicken it up, it would cost $200, so I’m avoiding that by doing all kinds of braids and tails with it. Love it so far.

I quit La Baron cuz I got so sick of it. I don’t know if my heart was really truly ever in it. Mom and I are gonna check into getting me back into school for just the manicuring, rather than the whole hairdressing course since they fucked up my financial aid application anyway.

Sasha has been limping quite badly the last two days and Ma said to ask Nervous if he’d take me to the vet with her, but I’ve had enough of that jackasshole.

I am here on my lunch break with some very interesting news. First of all, Nissa proved to be the jerk I began to suspect she was and she is history.

Last Friday in school I accidentally ended up singing and they loved it and there was this new girl Elliot who said she knew this guy who had a band and knows the business really well. I had my doubts as I’ve heard this before but she called me and I spoke to the guy. His name is Jimmy. Of course, I told him up front I’m gay and I don’t get along with males and he said he doesn’t mix business with pleasure. Who knows for sure? They all say that. I just don’t want to be with males or travel with them but this guy sounds as serious as I am and like he knows what he’s talking about but I’ve learned never to trust or listen to a male. Especially a black one. I’ll have to see for myself but I’m sure if I sing with this band, either he or someone in the band will try to hit me for sex. No way am I gonna get into a situation I can’t get out of. It scares me to have to put my trust in someone. If this follows the usual pattern in my life, then he’ll prove to be a crock and I’ll know something’s punishing me. But this really sounds positive. He and Ellie are supposed to come to my place today or tomorrow.

Last Saturday went great. Nissa and I got to know each other a lot better. Kevin was impressed, although I saw her Tuesday and it was the pits. I fucked up badly and discovered she’d really never want me. I wrote a list of 30 encouraging hints Nissa gave me which I thought were signs of her being interested in me and I showed them to her like a fool. Guess what? She stole them! Must’ve been when I went to the back of the bus. And come to find out all those things weren’t true. It wasn’t until after I got off the bus that I realized she took them. I had asked her if she was going to tell her girlfriend Julie and she said no, but why else would she take them? Obviously to show Julie. She hates me. I know it and I’m petrified about getting on the bus tomorrow. She probably won’t even let me on! And if she does, what if Julie’s there? What if she lies or denies it? She could never want me, yet Emily, Nellie and Philip said maybe she took them for herself because she was flattered or so I wouldn’t tell Julie. No way! She wouldn’t take them for her own reading pleasures. I never stood a chance with her and I never will. Even she told me, “I’m spoken for and I’m used to people liking me.” I’m afraid to get on the bus tomorrow, but if I do, I will confront her and ask her what’s going on.

I’ve been up since 2:00 this morning and fell asleep around 7:30. Sasha, the stray cat I took in, woke me up. I was just falling asleep again at 3:00 when Andy M called. Our parents were friends for 30 years, but that ended in the 70s and I haven’t seen him since.

We talked about music and he played his keyboard for me. He’s quite good. I played a little guitar for him. He said he likes my style and was looking for a guitarist to play some songs he’d written. He also told me he was gay, too.

Tomorrow I see Nissa! I can’t wait. I really hope all goes well. She doesn’t come on till 1:30 and at 10:00 I have to see my doctor.

Later...

It’s now lunchtime and I’m at the Chinese place right next to La Baron.

I can’t wait to see Nissa. I just hope all goes well and I get some answers to some of my questions, like does she want me? I doubt it. I’m probably not good enough for her. It seems all I get is druggies or weak-minded losers. And why can’t I have anyone I’m attracted to???

Tonight I’ve got to finish recording those tapes. Also, I want to write her a copy of my songs such as My Time Has Come and Carry Me Away. I hope she likes them and doesn’t think they’re stupid.

It’s pouring out now just as they predicted it would on the news this morning. With my luck, it’ll pour when I get out of school.

I have to go back now and finish winding my perm rods.

Ok, I am back in the classroom. Miss Loretta and Diane are in here now talking so I guess I’ll write more.

Mom and Dad are visiting Goldie and Al, long-time family friends. She called me yesterday which was when she had said she was leaving but didn’t because of the rain.

I can’t wait till that house sells so I can hopefully move. When I do, they’re giving me the stuff in the house, then I’ll sell mine. Their washer and dryer will surely come in handy. I’m sick of lugging my laundry down the street.

I hope she doesn’t tell me to finish my perm rods yet because I want to write those notes of what to say to Nissa on the bus for Kevin if he ever tags along with me.

I finally met somebody and she’s gorgeous! She’s a PVTA bus driver. Her name is Nissa. I’ve had Nissa on my mind quite a bit.

Two Saturdays ago I took the Belmont bus up to see Dr. Donoghue, my new therapist/shrink, and the driver was this guy I’d seen quite often. He wanted to get together with me and I told him I’d prefer a woman. Then he kept questioning me about why I’m gay. You know how males are. So, near the end of the line, we passed this woman bus driver who he said was gay.

After seeing the doctor, I got the bus she drove, and oh my God! She was beautiful! I thought to myself, could she really be gay? Sure enough, she is, but she’s taken, but I think, or I should say I hope, I still stand a chance, as she says she’s having problems with her girlfriend. She’s had mostly boyfriends, though.

I rode with her last Saturday from 1:30 to 7:30 on the bus. At first, she seemed distant but then we were laughing and joking and she sang for me. She has a great voice. I sang for her, too.

She says my haircut makes me look younger and she’s gonna help me style it. She said with my hair done up nice and a little makeup and nice clothes, I’d be beautiful.

She gave me a tuna sandwich for lunch and also bought me some coffee.

This Saturday I’m going on the bus with her again. I asked her if she’d mind because if she did, I wouldn’t come back. She said I could, though.

I’m gonna bring her some of those Jerky treats she likes and make a tape of Gloria Estefan for her.

In the midst of our discussions, she told me that I have to get rid of my mean streak, and I really respect her, so I’ll try. Never would I ride a bus that long unless I’m in love. And I am, as you can see, but I wonder if she’d ever want someone like me. Maybe I’m not good enough for her.

I’ve decided to cut my hair off. It’s dead, uneven, unmanageable, and I can’t keep the ends from splitting. Also, it’s getting to be a pain in the ass and I’m sick of it. I’ve had it basically all my life. This way it’ll be easier to brush and it’ll only take two seconds to blow it dry.

I’m now in McDonald’s taking a late lunch break as I was tied up giving this Puerto Rican a manicure. Dolores was supposed to do it but she left school early. I’m the only one in class today. Lecenia and Sonya are absent. Well, I guess for my remaining two hours I’ll study my textbook and work on the mannequins.

Today sure is a sucky day. It’s raining out and I didn’t go to school. I had set my alarm for 7:15 and didn’t realize it was going off for an hour and a half later. Can you believe that?! It seems so weird that I can sleep so soundly with that thing blaring for so long. What is wrong with me? How can anyone sleep so deeply?

Later...

I just had a hell of a time trying to track down Mary C’s number, which was changed. First I called all the P's in the book but no one was related to John. Then I called Shell Mini Mart looking for Doug or the number. Doug’s been gone 3 months and this guy tried to find the number in a file. No suerte. Called Dunkin Donuts and got nowhere. Called where John works. He wasn’t there and no one knew his number and the guy was gonna go to the office to get it but it was locked up and he had no key. So finally I called McDonald’s where Crystal used to work to speak to Larry. He wasn’t there but the manager said he was in the book and gave me the name of the street. He’s listed under Arthur G. He’s not home but I’ll probably have luck there.

I’m now on my lunch break at McDonald’s, sitting by the window on the lookout for Nervous. So far there’s no sign of him, but I really doubt he has the guts to come spying on me.

Late last night I pulled a prank on him by calling him to tell him that I needed him to take me to the emergency room because my ankle was killing me.

He asks, “Are you serious or are you just playing a joke on me?”

I tell him I’m serious and then I lay in bed with all the lights off till he came and knocked on the back door a few times. I then jumped up to peek out the bedroom window, and man was he flying to that front door, desperate for it not to be a joke. He was a complete bundle of nerves, being teased with seeing me and all that.

I dialed his number and let it ring until he got home. When he picked up and didn’t say anything, I asked if he was going to talk or not, then asked him why he was running so quickly as if his life depended on it. All he said was, “Oh, just making a move.”

Well, that sure was quite a move for the little desperate boy!

I told him it was his April Fools I owed him and that I wanted to do it before I ended our friendship which was right now. He says, as I knew he would, “I’ll be seeing you. I’ll be around.”

I couldn't care less if the bastard spies on me, and I’m sure he will cuz he has no guts to come face me personally. Hey, the guy’s desperate. After all, he hasn’t made it with anyone in 5 years because he could never get anyone but a hooker. He has no friends. His phone will never ring anymore except for his mother. If he wanted company or to go do something, he has no friends to call. He deserves what he has and that’s nothing.

All I know is I had a hell of a grand time using him and he’s a sucker for it, too. I asked him if he realized I was using him, and he said yes. As hooked on me as he is, he couldn't care less, though. If anyone else asked him to take them to the store he’d say he was too tired or that he didn’t feel like it.

In 20 minutes, I have to return to school and take a test over that I failed because of long hard words I can’t even pronounce, then I’ll bust my ass working on the mannequins. School can get boring!

Later...

When I went back to school, I learned how to give a manicure and worked on my pin curls. I took two tests and got a 92% on both of them. Not bad.

You won’t believe what a hell of a night I had ranking on Nervioso. I sent him 3 pizzas and chicken from Quickies. The delivery guy was pissed.

I found out some baffling information about why I was put on disability. Mom says it’s cuz I could never hold a job, but Social Security says it’s cuz of my ear. Somebody’s lying somewhere.

Another thing is that when Ron and I went over to my parents' house and told them we wanted to get married (God only knows why I ever considered marrying an ugly loser like he was!) they tried to convince me that if I got pregnant, I’d probably have a miscarriage or the baby would be deformed or have other problems cuz of the DES (a drug my mother took to keep from miscarrying me).

Dad was saying, “Would you want your kids to have the same problems you do?”

I just called a GYN who said that that’s pure bullshit. He said that if I really did have a chemical imbalance, it wouldn’t be because of the DES. Nor would my ear be. My parents just want me to believe I’d be an unfit mother. As if they were the greatest parents themselves!

Whether or not I really was DES-exposed, I believe I was an accident. Even Philip agrees. Larry’s 12 years older and Tammy’s 8½. People don’t normally space their kids out like that.

I’d love to view her medical records, but I’d need her permission and she’d never go for it. It seems my life has been based on too many lies. It’s not comforting to catch your own parents in lies. How can I trust them?

When Kevin’s sister Judy called the folks to bitch about my prank phone calls to her, after Kevin stupidly gave her their number, Dad told her that they were trying to get me into an institution down there and that they were paying my roommate to watch me.

I confronted Dad with this bullshit. He said nothing and Ma denied it, but their silence spoke a thousand words. I believe his motivation behind that was to try to make Judy feel sorry for me so she wouldn’t prosecute, but she couldn’t have if she wanted to.

Tammy says that Ma was abused as a kid, but I don’t know too much about it. Ma does all her talking to Tammy. I’m too “mental and immature” for either of them to speak to. Whether or not she was abused herself is no excuse to be abusive.

Tammy lies just as much as Mom and Dad do. She says Mom never told her about my dispute with Jenny, which has ended our friendship, but I say that’s bullshit. There’s no other way she could find out. Whatever I tell Mom, she tells Tammy, and vice versa. In fact, I’m sure Tammy will run and call Mom to tell her what I discussed with her on the phone tonight. Only Tammy’s allowed to call. Not me. I’m too annoying.

As for the Jenny dispute, there’s not much to say there. I just got sick of her selfishness. I feel we’ve become too different over the years, too.

I started hairdressing school at La Baron over on State St. I have never felt better! There’s nothing like having something to get up for in the morning and believe it or not I’m having no problem getting up. Sometimes I wake up before the alarm goes off! I think I should’ve done this two years ago. I need structure and routine. It takes my mind off of other bullshit.

Mary D called at 9am and said she was at Dunkin Donuts and asked me if I wanted to come up. Both Nervioso and I did, and he got all nervous and never shut up.

We’re now on our way to Tammy’s.

Nellie moved today, and José asked me if he could store two suitcases in my place till tomorrow. Guess he’s not moving with her. I should steal the clothes in the suitcases. He stole from me.

I spoke to Mary today and asked her if she wanted to go down to Salem tomorrow with me and Nervioso. She can’t which is too bad, cuz I really don’t feel like putting up with him all day.

I ran out of cigarettes and to hell if I’ll spend any money on anymore. I know I can quit and for fuck’s sake quit I will. It makes me feel miserable and burns my needed money. I know I have what it takes to quit without that fucking gum.

I’m at the Laundromat washing the big yellow bedspread I got from the Harley Hotel.

Ma sent me some beautiful pictures with a nice little letter. I wasn’t surprised by her closing statement. “Stay well and out of trouble.”

I haven’t written for quite a while. A lot has happened, too. To start with, I’ve had a very bad flu since Thursday. I can’t seem to shake it totally out of my system.

I’ve decided to go to La Baron Beauty School. Others have suggested I’d do well at it and I don’t really have anything else to do. I was supposed to meet with the financial aid people last Friday, but due to this flu, I’ve had to postpone it.

Whether or not I feel well, I need to do laundry and go grocery shopping tomorrow. I hate to see Kevin but I’ve only seen him twice in a month and I plan to have as little to do with him as possible cuz I’ve never felt better. He is so determined to see me become a singer but I think he just wants something out of it such as for me to be all lovey-dovey, excuses to see me, and a pat on the back from my parents.

Without saying a word, I called Kevin to see if he’d say anything. He did. He said, “So, you’re gonna move to the Hamden East condos, huh?”

This is in response to my mentioning that during my little phone games. Anyway, the little asshole sounded nervous as all hell, breathing heavily.

Ma called this morning at 9:30 to say Daddy was fine and that they were able to do a triple bypass on him.

I was pissed last night cuz Tammy went down there without me, but Philip said if God forbid anything happens he’ll take me down to Florida. Uncle Marty was pissed at Ma cuz she never called him about dad. They found out by me cuz yesterday I tried to reach Tammy in Salem and I found out through Bill’s parents.

I almost missed Ma’s call last night cuz Crystal keeps turning off the ringer on my pink phone and forgetting to turn it on again, so this morning I told Crystal not to shut the ringer off if she couldn’t remember to turn it back on.

At 2:30, I have to see Dr. Franklin. I’ll walk there. In fact, I’ll start walking now.

Today is my usual appointment with Rose at 3:00 but I doubt Community Care is open today because it’s Washington’s birthday. I called PCS and they said the buses are running.

I also called Emily, but she was a bitch cuz she just woke up so I didn’t even waste my time talking to her.

Crystal is still asleep as I thought she’d be. She goes to sleep late like I used to.

It looks like she did get fired from McDonald’s. I don’t think she ever gave a damn about the job and I don’t think she wants to work. What with all the money she owes her old landlord for rent, the gas company, the phone company, the electric company - she’s up shit’s creek. All I know is I better get my rent money.

I guess she’s never gonna get the garbage bags she said she’d get. Looks like I’m gonna have to get them, but the bitch is gonna pay me back. She’s gonna buy her share of household needs and do her share of chores or she can pack her shit and go.

I’m so pissed at myself! I bought 2 packs of cigarettes. It seems I can never quit. I’m so pissed! I can’t breathe, and I wanted to save the money.

Tuesday I must remember to go to my sign language class. I was so pissed off at myself for forgetting last week. Nervioso was so jealous he couldn’t take me to my classes. I haven’t seen him in 4 days and I never felt better.

Crystal came home early with a bad ulcer. She said she went to the ER. She can’t work tomorrow or the day after. I hope she doesn’t get fired.

I have smoked only 4 cigarettes today, but it pisses me off that I just can’t cut it out for good.

Got some books in the mail today. I was pissed that they sent me a book I already have. I wonder when I’ll get my books for getting Crystal in as a member.

Later...

I didn’t do too much today but tomorrow I am going to go down to welfare to pick up my photo ID. I’m also going to call the bank to see if my other check came and pick up a few things at Food Mart.

Crystal is listening to the radio now. Earlier I was teaching her some signs.

It’s been quite pleasant not seeing Nervioso for a few days. I really want nothing more to do with him.

Today I woke up at 9am. I went to get that Nicorette gum the doctor gave me a prescription for yesterday to try to help me quit smoking. He said my lungs were so bad and that I needed to quit. I think I’ve had 9 cigarettes altogether today, but a few hours ago I became deadly determined. I’m only 22, so it’s now or never. Better to get it over with and to have smoked for 8 years rather than for 40. Besides, singers shouldn’t smoke, and I could save $80 - $100 a month.

Later...

Just a little while ago the urge to smoke was quite bad but I didn’t touch it! I chewed the gum.

I’m so damn pissed, though. I forgot all about my sign class tonight!

I’m downtown now and I have been for almost 4 hours. At 9am, I walked down here and went to SIS, my bank. It looks like I have gotten my checks. Thank God!

Afterward, I went to Friendly’s, then saw Rose. Personally, I think she sucks!

I’m now on Chestnut St. waiting to see the doctor. What much can he do? I need to quit smoking, but it is just so damn hard!

The nurse just weighed me at 118 pounds. I’m so fat! I sure as hell hope I lose it this spring like I usually do.

I am still wide awake, and I probably will be for quite a while. I thought Crystal was at work, and I wondered why she wasn’t home yet, so I called and was told that today was her day off. She’s probably with Mike.

Nothing much happened in court yesterday. The other party never even showed up.

Earlier tonight, I finally got around to changing the bedroom around. I dusted and rearranged the walls. I also did some work in the kitchen. Tomorrow I’ll need to change the pig’s cage, vacuum, and mop. Crystal can finish the rest of the dusting.

I was up all last night and didn’t get to bed until around 5 am, so I slept all day today.

I was pissed off over Crystal’s refusal to do any cleaning. I’ll just up her rent.

She should be home any minute. I hope. I could use the company, despite her laziness.

Mary D fucking set me up tonight (a gay girl I met through Crystal). She said she was gonna come and get me at 10:30, and she never showed up. I was told a million different excuses for that. She’s out of my book. She’s just not worth it, and she does that every time she owes me something, and she’s also ugly as hell, so what’s the point?

I think I’ll go see Emily tomorrow. I spoke to her tonight. She said for me to call her first because she doesn’t know exactly what she has planned for tomorrow. Hope I can see her. I haven’t for a while.

I ran out of smokes, and that’s it! I quit! I’m not spending the fortune you have to pay for cigarettes. I can’t even fucking breathe and shit if I’m gonna lose the voice I worked so hard to get to sing with.

Yesterday, Tammy came in from Salem with Lisa and Rebecca. We met at Friendly’s. After Tammy and I left Friendly’s, we went to see her doctor, who had to explain to her about the dental surgery she is to have. Then after that, we returned to Friendly’s, where we met Tera, Bill S’s daughter. Bill is a lawyer whom Tammy once liked. Finally, before she made the trip back home, she came to my place for a little while and met Crystal.

Lisa was so thrilled to see the pigs, as usual.

I spoke on the phone to Mary, Stuart, Fran and Kevin. When I tried to call Jenny, she said she’d call me back some other time cuz she said she was in the shittiest mood she’s ever been in. A few hours later, I tried to call her, but she was asleep.

Wednesday, I walked up to the deli for a bite to eat, then took the bus downtown. There, I bought a Laura Branigan 45, some musk lotion, Charlie perfume, and a checkered wool mini skirt for only $5.

Tuesday, I had a great time in my sign language class at the Willie Ross. The class was all in sign. No voices were used at all. The teacher tested us with fingerspelling, signs, and numbers.

First of all, at the beginning of the class, we signed with no voice and stated our names, our weaknesses, and our strengths. I said that I could sign very well but that my receptive skills were weak.

I think I have lost 3 or 4 pounds. Tomorrow I’m going to try to avoid eating if I can. I’d like to get down to 95-100 pounds. Crystal was up to 101. Now she’s back to 97. Lucky bitch. She has no muscle, though, and is nowhere near as solid as I am. I did some exercises tonight. I’m a little sore, but I hope to lose more weight.

Crystal damn well better start helping out with chores. I told her she’d better vacuum tomorrow and said I’d mop.

I got a tote bag and a mug from the book clubs. I also have 14 more books coming. I’ve been getting them in exchange for signing up others for the clubs. I think I’ll definitely need to set up more shelves. The gold plastic ones. I just don’t know where. Maybe in the hall where the wooden stand and fern plant are. Or in the bedroom where the chair is. Maybe I’ll set them up side by side with the other shelves out in the hallway where the door release is.

There’s also this book service (not a book club) that sends you 6 romance novels every month for $12.50. No obligation and you can cancel at any time. It’s just that romance isn’t really my thing. I like suspense, but I may try it anyway.

Rose called from Community Care. She’s to be my new therapist. Rose also does intake. She’s fat and ugly, too. I miss Trisha. I want her back. Rose and I are to meet on Sundays at 3 pm.

Today I am going downtown. I am going to buy a pair of shoes, a record of Laura Branigan’s, and just basically browse around and kill time. First, I think I’ll walk up to the deli and get my coffee. Then I’ll take the bus downtown.

The new doctor I saw yesterday really seems to make sense, and I think he knows what he’s talking about. He agrees with me about there being no way I could be bipolar. He thinks I’m hyperactive, which is true.

Kevin is here now and I just called Crystal. She wants him here when she gets home so we can both play with his head. I told Kevin she had a crush on him, but of course, she doesn’t.

I have finally found a shorthand book and have learned some, though it’s not a beginner’s book.

Tomorrow I have a doctor’s appointment with Dr. Franklin, the new shrink that’s replacing Dr. Heronimo. I’m sure he’s just like the others. Maybe I can find out how long it’s going to be before I see a new therapist.

I am at the X doing my laundry. Kevin drove me here. My clothes are still in the washer and I am sitting down next to Nervioso writing in this journal. I just finished a cigarette.

Yesterday was my bastard brother Larry’s birthday. Hope he eats shit and dies. Haven’t seen him for a couple of years. Not since he and the roommate (Michelle) I had in my first apartment on Locust St. used the hell out of me. This was before Larry threatened me. I even filed charges against him in court till he sweet-talked me into dropping them before going our separate ways.

Today I got my temporary ID from welfare, and they took my picture. It will be ready any day after February 5th. I got $20 in food stamps.

I went looking for a beginner’s book on shorthand but couldn’t find one. I was surprised.

I went to Shoppers Drug and got 5mg of Navane, and guess what? According to Monte, they come even lower than 5mg!

Crystal went to get her kids. She was supposed to come back here to get me, but she hasn’t shown up yet.

I also cannot get a hold of Kevin. Who knows where he is or what errands he’s doing?

I want to go look for that book on shorthand, which looks like it’d be a fun thing to learn, and I also need to redeem my food stamps. Then I’m going to see if I can get a 5mg refill. I’m hesitant about taking 10mg anymore.

My niece Lisa’s birthday is the 20th. She’ll be 5. I must get her a gift. I don’t know what.

Stuart just called to say he is on his way over for a visit.

I haven’t written since Monday. I’ve wanted to but I got lazy.

Got 6 more books today. Now my shelves are jam-packed.

Later...

Stuart left, thank God. He seemed quite aggravated about something.

I got up at 10 am today and chatted with Crystal for a while, then Mike came over and took us out to do errands.

Crystal was going to have a tooth pulled, but forgot her Medicaid card. I had her scared for a while too, telling her they ran out of Novocain and that their tools broke. I said she’d have to have it pulled with a pair of pliers and no Novocain. She fell for it for a while, the gullible geek!

I got fried shrimp at the Eastfield Mall. She got pizza. Then Mike got gas and drove us home.

The nervous bastard called all aggravated about God knows what, and then I pulled my little game of crossed call-waiting.

I should’ve received more books today, but I guess not. Maybe tomorrow.

Stuart came over for a visit. He’s a gay guy I knew from Longmeadow High. We are having dinner together. I am cooking chicken wings, noodles, and peas. He says I am a good cook, yet I am asking him question after question.

I am going to go over to Stuart’s for spaghetti and meatballs one of these nights.

I need someone to trim my bangs. They’re quite uneven as usual.

Ma called today from Florida. She didn’t have much to say. Just that it’s been raining since I left. True or not, I don’t know. I said hi to Dad briefly. He didn’t say much, either.

José is outside begging Nellie to open the door, but it doesn’t seem like she wants to.

I tried to sleep but couldn’t. Earlier this evening, I managed to track down Diane, Kevin’s ex-wife, out of curiosity. According to her, Kevin used to beat the shit out of her, and he knocked 3 teeth out of his son Eddie. He was very jealous of Diane and the boys’ friends, too. He owes about $10,000 in child support. I believe everything she told me, too.

I’m tempted not to let him know where I’m moving, but the problem is he can always find me. Not that I’m afraid of him, but he’s smart enough to go to the post office or the registry of motor vehicles and get a forwarding address. I could kill those agencies! That’s my private business, but they say it’s a matter of public record under the Freedom of Information Act. Fuck that shit! What about the freedom of privacy?

The weather is so bad! There’s almost a foot of snow out there and trying to drive out there is miserable. I wanted to do grocery shopping but I couldn’t because it was so bad out there and the nervous bastard was getting quite nervous.

I found out some interesting news from Cathy at the office. Apparently, Crystal had her kids over here, and she is going to pay me $15 for the broken picture frame I just discovered, too. If she doesn’t, she can get the hell out.

I tried to call Mary yesterday and she was more interested in her goddamn shows than my vacation and she never called back. So to hell with her.

The nervous bastard went home after dropping me off. I’m still playing my little game with him where I call him and then I hit the receiver quickly, so he hears a click. Then I tell him I’ve got a call on the other line, then click it again and talk to the so-called caller knowing he can hear me. Oh, the things I say!

Fran is going to drop by tomorrow to see me and also give me the books I ordered through his introductory offer from the Mystery Guild. Speaking of books, I got 8 of them from the account I set up under Toby G and 4 of my own for joining new members. I still have 16 more coming and 3 from Fran. That’s 31 books! Plus, I have more coming from other people like Crystal.

That Troll book club I joined also owes me an introductory offer.

I sure was surprised yesterday at how happy Nellie and Hank were to see me back.

I called Anna and Julia, the two elderly sisters next door, to tell them where I’d been. They were worried, but are glad I’m back and had a good time. We chatted for quite a while.

I haven’t been able to reach Jenny yet. I hope she’s been ok.

At 8 PM, all my shows go on but of course, I’ll have to watch in the living room. If this TV conks out then I’ll be without a TV until my parents sell their house and give me theirs.

Nellie says she’s moving in February. Let’s hope so, although at this point it really doesn’t matter too much. Sometimes I wish she’d get the hell out and sometimes I just don’t care. But either way, I’m gonna get my money and she knows it. She says on the 13th or 14th she’ll give me $30. She better!

Right now I am watching Rags to Riches, and afterward, I shall watch Miami Vice.

Later...

Crystal is here now and she is trying on the clothes I gave her. She is so skinny. I’m so envious. I am a fucking whale compared to her.

Now she’s talking on the phone to Fran. She was pissed as all hell at him about him calling her at work, but now they’re chatting quite happily.

I’m home now, and I’m so tired! I’m starving too, so I’m gonna eat, then go to bed. I plan to write a lot tomorrow, and I also want to do some laundry. I’m not even about to begin to do the rest of the unpacking.

I’m surprised I haven’t heard from the bastard downstairs. He’s quite lucky I haven’t, though.

Crystal, who’s out at the moment, left the place nice and neat. She’s quite lucky, too. Just a few minor things out of place. I knew, though, that she would never dust or vacuum. Too lazy to.

2:19 PM

Got up at noon. I am so depressed now. I hate it here! I would rather be back in Florida with my parents, despite our differences. I totally hate it here!

I called Philip but got his girlfriend, Angie. She says she’ll talk to Philip, though I don’t see what he can do.

Crystal is singing like shit as I wait for Kevin to come and take me grocery shopping. After that, I need to do laundry. I hate to think of seeing Kevin. I’m so sick of him. I explained to Crystal how he gets all nervous. Especially when he disagrees with something you’ve said.

So far today, the weather has been awful. I fly back to Springfield tomorrow. I guess I’m ready because there’s not much to do here, and I miss my pigs and my stereo. I hope everything is ok at home. I’ll have to catch up on my singing. I’ve missed it, although I sang a little today. Very softly. My mom would get pissed if I sang louder than a whisper.

We all agreed that as soon as the house in Longmeadow sells (my folks want to move down here permanently), I will be moving. That should be within 4-6 months. I sure as hell can’t wait! Mom is going to be giving both Tammy and me the furniture. I shall be moving to a better area and into something that’ll hopefully have a dishwasher and an AC. Mom is going to start looking when she returns in April.

When I get home, I’ll be looking forward to seeing Crystal, Jenny, and Mary. Emily won’t be back from her own trip until the 12th. That was originally when I was supposed to return, but it’ll be tomorrow, the 6th.

This morning, I woke up a little after 6:00 after a series of strange dreams. Then I fell back asleep and woke up to my mother’s voice at 9:00. She and Dad were sitting at the table right outside the sliding glass door. Ma came over and teased me playfully for a while, then I got up and had a cup of coffee, made my bed, and packed up. Right now, my clothes are in the dryer. Ma washed them all for me. She’s in a good mood. I’m sure that’s cuz I’m leaving.

Ma and I are going to have lunch together today, then at 6:00, I’ll take off. My cousin Philip will be picking me up at Bradley.

I intend to have a chat with Nellie about my money, and I just dare the bastard downstairs to open his mouth. One minute he’s civilized, the next he’s off on some drunken tangent. At least I know I won’t be there much longer.

I really did have a nice little vacation, although I wish the weather had been nicer.

11:47 AM

Dad just went to get turkey club sandwiches for him and Ma and a cheeseburger for me. I’ve never eaten so much or been so hungry since I’ve been here. According to the scale where I was working out at the club, I weigh 116 pounds. Getting quite chunky. Oh well. I’ll lose it this summer like I usually do.

Now the sun’s out. Of course, it is. I’m leaving. If I stayed, it would storm.

Dad put gas in the car so it’s ready for Ma and me.

I had run inside for a few minutes only to find Max, their poodle, playing with my socks.

I feel like I’m getting burned, but Mom wants me out here. She said it was good for me before she gave me a pair of sunglasses that are way too big. I believe she only wants me out here cuz she doesn’t like having me around. She had me visit out of a sense of duty, but I doubt her heart was really into the idea of it.

2:05 PM

I just went for a bike ride, and now I’m bored again.

I’ll miss Mom and Dad. I won’t be seeing them again till April.

6:50 PM

I’m on the plane again. It doesn’t seem as bad as the other flight, though. Yes, it’s loud, but not as loud. I am on a smaller plane. A D-C9. The last plane was a 727. I’d like to fly a 747. My ear is blocked, as usual, but not as badly as the last time.

I hope they come around soon with coffee. God knows I could use some. I’ll be on this plane for hours.

You can barely see out the window because it’s dark and cloudy.

The noise and vibration of the engine sure are a pain in the ass, but up front, you can’t smoke, so I have to put up with it if I want to smoke.

Wow! Now I have a nice view down below. The clouds must’ve cleared. I can’t see too much in detail, though. Only the lights of the roads and houses. I can’t make out cars moving as I can flying in the daytime. The captain just said we’re over Orlando and we’re at 33,000 feet. Says it’s cold where we’re going.

Well, I guess I’ll continue writing in the other book. I’ve just about completed this one.

7:20 PM

In this book, I’m still on the plane. It’s Wednesday, and I won’t be arriving till 10:33. In 15 minutes, it will be 8:00. We were supposed to take off at 6:15, but we didn’t till 6:30. I guess we'll arrive in Philly at 8:30 or so.

We do not get dinner, although they said so on the ticket. All we get is a snack. Here it comes now, and boy, does that coffee smell good.

The pilot just said we’re at 10,000 feet right over Dover, Delaware, and it’s 15º!!! Yuck! No more warm weather for me. We’ll be landing in 15 minutes.

When I tell Kevin about my trip to Florida, I’m sure he won’t be interested and will interrupt me to yak only about himself, like he usually does.

9:08 PM

We are on the ground in Philly. It is freezing! It sucks! Now I have to wait till 9:40 before we take off again. I just asked the stewardess, and she said the flight to Bradley is 52 minutes. Call it an hour, she said.

I look forward to seeing Philip. He’s like a big brother, and I love him dearly.

10 PM

Here I am flying again, although we will not be going up so high because it is a very short flight. I hope we get there shortly after 10:30. The captain says we’re at 19,000 feet and we’ll land in half an hour. It’s 12º at Bradley. Shit! I could see the snow as we landed.

They are getting ready to serve coffee now.

This is not a crowded flight, but the last one was from West Palm Beach.

So, in Florida, I visited Stuart, Jensen Beach, St. Lucie, and other places.