I’m getting on an overnight schedule again, but that’s the least of my worries and a joke compared to what’s been going on. Thank fucking God I didn’t have to go to court this Thursday as originally planned. For the Greenfield case, I won’t need to go until Nov. 15th. For Northampton, I’ll need to be in court on December 19th. In the meantime, Tammy and my lawyer spoke. They’re determined to try to get this dropped and Tammy explained how she wants me to move there and why. Tammy also told “Tracy” how pissed off she was about what happened at the Northampton Crisis Center and about Maliheh calling me.

Before I get into Maliheh and Northampton, the call from Tracy was about the dates among other things. I was told by Tracy that she’d spoken with the DA and is gonna try to get the police report, get my stuff back, and also check into the legality of the search warrant. I’m not a lawyer so I can’t possibly write all that was discussed but it was all quite positive.

Tammy feels the same way as I do. Yes, I made a prank call. Yes, Maliheh deserved it and called me, too. No, the taping will not hold up in court. I have the right to do as I please in the privacy of my own home. Also, Tammy says, “She made the calls to the company in the middle of the night. No one was there. She left edits on their machine so it’s petty bullshit and nonsense that they’re flipping out over.” Naturally, both Tracy and I agree.

There’s my present situation to consider, too. I’ve also decided to counter-file on Maliheh as well as Jenny. Even if Maliheh did not call me, the point is why is it that I always have to pay when both Maliheh and Jenny have fucked me over, too? From now on when people take me to court that have screwed me over, be it legally or not, they’re going through the mud and the hassle, stress and wasted time, too. I can see if I’ve called someone I’ve never met in my life who are total strangers like this company. However, the company got no threats and only got wacky shit on their machine.

Jenny’s gotten her warning, too. I called and her machine came on and I said, “I’ll see YOU in court. In Greenfield.” That little fuck has done shit to me just as well. Andy’s sending her a letter anyway. You know, the usual stuff. Lyrics and things that make absolutely no sense. Jenny’s letter from Andy and her subpoena will be sent to her parent’s house in W. Springfield as that’s the only address known to me. Jenny’s gonna flip when the little fuck sees it’s from Phoenix. If she suspects me, I don’t give a shit and I hope she does. Maybe twice a year, I’ll send her a note.

Maliheh would’ve gotten letters eons ago, but I never could get her address. I’ll let the courts do that. For the subpoena anyway.

I’m gonna go listen to some tunes and then I’ll write about Northampton crisis center and boy, do I realize more and more how lucky I was about that. My sister wasn’t too thrilled when I told her about that. With them, I mean.

I was supposed to go to court the day after that on the 24th. I went on the 25th, though. The night of the 24th was when I got 3 calls from an associate of Maliheh’s. Then on the 25th, when I was in court, I saw Detective M. Yup. Major butch. Not big and fat like Tracy K, but the sporty type. Thin athletic type butch you’d see playing tennis or soccer. Anyway, I’ll write more about it later.

Later...

Now, about the night of October 23rd. Well, I flipped. I totally lost it. Between court, being so isolated here and all the other issues that have been pissing me off for ages, I just lost it. I never cut myself but I was thinking about it. I was thinking about the last time I cut myself and one minute I’d beat myself up in my mind about it, the next I’d try to tell myself it happened and what was done was done and there was no way to undo what was done. Try to move on. I guess it’s just not always easy to block out unwanted thoughts. It sounds so easy saying, “Don’t think about it.” Well, it’s not. At times I feel as if there’s no escape from the present as well as the past. All I could remember was Tammy telling me how she indirectly blames me for my calls and how she blames Mom and Dad 100%. Tammy told Mom all about what’s going on and warned her immediately how she didn’t want to hear, “I told you. She has a problem.” Or anything about it other than her moving me down there. To CT, of course. Tammy said Ma was “amazingly calm” and just took it all in and hopefully I’ll be moving on January 1st. Besides having only two more months of isolation, no family or buses, there’s the financial part of it, too. This way, hopefully, I’ll only have two more months of struggling and I’ll only have to pay my electric and heat bill even though fuel assistance will be helping me. The phone will be free.

I have a whole list of things to write about despite my boring no-life life. So if I remember, I’ll cover Maliheh and court and tonight’s event which never happened due to the curse on me. I guess that’s basically it, but there’s a lot to discuss on each of these things.

First, I’ll just say that my asthma’s doing better. Mark was a great help and a good support to me. The EMTs even told Mark he did the right thing as I needed oxygen and to go to the hospital. It was so scary and I was so bummed out about it that after they gave me the updraft and they left the room, I cried. Mark took care of letting the EMTs in and also locking the door after they took me away and calming Shadow down. He picked me up after and bought me coffee and himself some beer.

Later...

I just had a call from Andy and we talked for an hour. So anyway, I looked back in the previous journals and it looks like I never wrote about that dance I never got to. I’ll have to write all about that as well as tonight’s shit. I forget when it was but I know it was almost two weeks ago, I was supposed to go to a dance at the U-Mass campus center. I was to go alone, though, as Kim had a dinner party to attend in Northampton. She was gonna drop me off and pick me up later. I would’ve been nervous as all hell with her or a whole army of people I knew with me, but that made me even more nervous. However, I fully intended to go and was looking very forward to it seeing that it’s not a bar and it was a non-drug and alcohol deal. The night before we were supposed to go, I fell asleep early at around 10:30. I awoke with a horrible nightmare about Valleyhead at 3:00 in the morning. I tried to force myself back to sleep several times during the morning, afternoon and early evening but had no luck. Also, this particular nightmare only happens 1-3 times a year. After I left Valleyhead, I’d get it all the time for a year and a half, but of all times to get this nightmare! Finally, it hit me once again how something up there was trying to tell me something and is determined to stop me, no matter what. I can go food shopping, to the movies, the bank, anything that does not matter or that I don’t like. Never can I go out and have fun. I knew not to expect a one-nighter with an attractive woman. I knew to keep to myself, mind my own business and not approach anyone. All I was gonna do is get out of this God damn place as I feel like a caged animal. Is this a coincidence or a curse? It’s getting rather obvious now. Especially with what happened earlier tonight to screw up tonight’s plans. I hate knowing my worst fears are real. There are so many things a person can refuse to believe cuz they’re just so bizarre and incredible. We don’t want to believe them and we can’t believe them so we say it’s bad luck and coincidences that just happened for the hell of it till we’re proven beyond a reasonable doubt that it’s true. Curses are all too real and true no matter how scary and unreal the thought of it is.

Last week I saw an ad in the paper for a modeling seminar and search and I really wanted to go for the fun of it even if nothing came out of it. Kim was all excited about it, too. I called the number in the ad and right away I could tell it was safe and secure. The guy I spoke to told me it was at the Sheridan Tara in Springfield like the ad said. He said they had a nice brochure there and it was free unless you wanted pictures taken. He said you could talk to someone one-to-one on how to break into the business and what your potential is and it just seemed like it’d be a lot of fun. And it’s so closely related to music and I was told that’d help as well as the fact that there’s a large demand for petite models. We were supposed to be there at 7:45 tonight. I got up around 2:00, and as I was getting out of the shower and about to put on my makeup, I got this “feeling.” I told myself not to bother getting all decked out. All of a sudden, I couldn’t picture myself going and couldn’t understand why. This feeling of it not being meant to be grew stronger and stronger. I couldn’t figure out why as I was awake and feeling well and was wondering why I had to take another punishment. It wasn’t a gay dance or bar, but it was “modeling.” Not meant to be. That’s all I could feel and then suddenly I thought, oh no! He’s gonna go through Kim to stop me since whatever’s up there didn’t do anything to me.

Then the phone rang. Kim was in a car accident. She wasn’t hurt, but as she was pulling out of the parking lot at work, she got rear-ended. Now you call that bad luck on me? Just a coincidence? No way. I feel so fucking guilty and that’s all I kept telling her over and over. If I wasn’t going tonight, this would never have happened to her. Or if we were going food shopping or to the movies or some everyday thing. Something I hate such as the doctor’s appts. or something that I don’t hate but am not overly excited about. God, what did I do to deserve this? Once again, I believe he didn’t stop me cuz of something bad happening or cuz of nothing happening. I believe he prevented a good thing from happening. The same goes for the dance. At first, I thought nothing would have happened or I’d have some ugly butch or another so-so trying to pick me up. Uh-uh. An attractive woman was there that I would’ve gotten. It would’ve been mutual and I would’ve had my first one-nighter with someone attractive who wouldn’t have led me on and backed out. He stopped it. He stopped it all.

Last night was the shittiest night of my life in so long. The morning of Oct. 22nd was a nightmare as well. Last Monday night as I was falling asleep, I was realizing how I’d only had two killer asthma attacks since I moved. I was thrilled about not only that but also about not getting one cold or flu after another. However, I had been more and more congested in the last few weeks. Sure enough, I woke up at 7:00 the next morning with a massive attack in which I knew instantly I’d never be able to fight on my own.

Later...

I’m taping a movie now and boy, did I ever get caught off guard for a minute. Some girl called that I wish to hell would call back. I don’t remember if the girl said my name. I don’t think so, but she said, “Remember me? You licked my pussy?” I told her to hang on so I could grab a cigarette and that’s when she hung up. I shouldn’t have told her to hang on cuz it scared her off. She was probably paranoid about being taped, but I’m dying for her to call back. I’m almost positive it’s a friend of Maliheh’s. My gut feeling says so and since I can’t make calls in a town like this, I’d like to at least be able to get them. A week after I met Maliheh is when the shit hit the fan and she freaked out on me. It was then that I not only began to call her but for some reason she had a friend leave her outgoing message on her answering machine. I believe that was the voice I heard earlier. I really could use a good laugh now, so I’m begging God to please have her call me back. Please.

I got up at 4:30. Last night I fell asleep around 6:00, and at 10:00 I woke up due to a blackout. There was massive rain all night. The wall clock in the bedroom died, so I had to check the time on the one in the living room. I called the operator for the exact time and proceeded from there to reset the microwave, my clock radio, the clock on the stove and the VCR. I also changed the batteries in the bedroom and bathroom clocks.

Shadow behaved last night for the first time in 4 days. I swept up downstairs and sprayed Windex on the floor at the bottom and wiped up his shit.

I went to the bank and got my food stamps. They sent a letter saying it would be raised from $105 to $111. Nevertheless, the ticket I got was for $112 and I guess it’s got something to do with premiums.

I bought kitty litter and cat food and some munchies from Cumberland. I hope to go to Food Mart Thursday. Thursday, I won’t be going to fuel assistance as they made me an appointment for Nov. 4th.

I had a talk with Peter downstairs which went very well. He said he understands how I feel and if the cops come around, he’ll tell them to speak to my lawyer. Meanwhile, he says they’re happy with me and this is my home for as long as I want it to be.

I still haven’t heard from “Tracy.” Why is she flaking out on me? I’ll call again later.

I got a very nice letter from Mom along with 18 pictures to add to my collection as she said. Dad’s 60th b-day party with Charlotte and Jim and other friends were in some of the pictures. One of Ruth and Marty on their 33rd anniversary renewing their wedding vows. Several of my nieces and one of me.

Here’s a list of the things I’m doing and am going to do:

1. I’m currently drawing a picture of Lisa, Becky, and Sarah on their swing set with Tammy and Bill standing behind them. I drew the frame of the swing set and also drew Lisa and Sarah. However, I had to erase Sarah as she was too high. Tammy’s standing behind Sarah and in order to draw her in, she’d be as tall as the swing set. Bill, who’s standing next to Tammy, would end up taller than the swing set, so I’ll need to try and re-proportion them. I told Tammy to tell Bill that since I do not have a gray pencil, I’ll give him brown hair.

2. I’m making 5 placemats, as I call them, for Chanukah.

3. I have to finish making Andy’s bracelets and send those out.

4. I’ve got to finish all my letters.

5. Hem my pants and figure out how to take in my leather pants.

6. Maybe make Tammy a “check.”

Later...

I am on the phone right now with Fran. I have the mute on and am listening and taping him talking to a girl he works with. He is so desperate and he’s so funny to listen to when he talks to girls.

I hope to hell I get a letter from Andy. He’s way overdue on his letter writing.

I still haven’t gotten a call from Nervous so I’ll just send him crazy letters every so often.

In a couple of hours or so, I’m gonna crash. I’m getting tired.

As I continue to hear Fran’s conversation, it’s getting funnier and funnier. First, he hits on that girl Denise whom he met at some group meeting. Has a one-nighter with her and becomes his usual way too-pushy self. Scares her off and has her end up pressing charges against him for harassing her. Secondly, he meets a neighbor of his whom he gets a bunch of roses for. He claims how much he’d like something to come out of it. Now, here he is at the present moment hitting on that other girl he works with. It’s hilarious too, as this girl’s spoken for from what I understand, but Fran’s doing his best to find out how she feels about this guy. He’s trying really hard to make her nervous about the guy she’s with and make her wonder if he’s any good.

Now, he’s asking if he’s the only guy she sleeps with and if she ever sleeps with anyone else. What do they do for sexual activity? Do they have an agreement where they see other people? Nervous or anyone else I’ve known could never be this pushy. Verbally, I mean. This girl is a major wimp, geek, and a sucker. This is the only type of person to stay on and listen all this time to this.

Well, I’m gonna go set the VCR for Unsolved Mysteries, then lay down and listen to this crap. Fran’s asked the same questions 50 times. Here he goes again with the, “Do you hope for any activities in bed other than us just being friends?”

He cracks me up.

I woke up at 3 AM which is getting better. Today, I have a number of things to do. I will call my lawyer as well as fuel assistance. I hope to go to fuel assistance Thursday as well as food stamps.

I will have a chat with Peter, get my food stamps and some groceries and clean next door.

I also need to bring out some of my garbage and clean Shadow’s box which he trashed all over the fucking place. I was so fucking pissed off at that cat. I can’t believe how much that cat enjoys being yelled at, and nothing will stop him from getting me to go after him. He does shit over and over that he knows he’s not supposed to do and he’s gonna get yelled at for it. Two nights in a row he ripped the bottom of two posters in the stairwell. I scream at him each time and finally put him on his leash at the bottom of the stairwell where his box is. Sure enough, he’s just got to do something, and he trashed the fucking box. Now there’s shit all over I’ve got to clean up. He gets off on either destroying or making a mess. As I clean up his mess, I can see the smirk on his face. This is not a kid, it’s a cat and I’m tired of babyproofing this place, worrying about my shit, and cleaning up after him. He’s much more loving than Sasha was but way too destructive.

You know how I get very emotional when it comes to my shit. It’s either stolen or destroyed. When the pigs took my shit, that was the final straw. I’m an adult, not a kid, and I will get every single fucking item back they took and never ever again will I let anyone ever fuck with my stuff. As far as I’m concerned, there’s one thing I know for sure. That is taping conversations whether or not the person knew they were being taped is not a crime. I have a right to do (other than pranks or other crimes) anything I so fucking desire in the privacy of my own place. I’ve seen this used in court and it never was illegal. I know people have been taped without knowing so and it’s been used in court cases. The judge never said, “I’m tossing this out as it’s against the law to tape someone.” What about taping shit off the radio or TV? What about the fact that I walked into Radio Shack and bought it? Or Nervous did, but the point is, if it’s so illegal, then why do they sell it in stores?

I almost have my schedule back on days now. I got up at 1 AM and forgot to set the VCR before I went to bed.

I spoke briefly to Andy yesterday who got his letter. He told me he was very depressed that day so my letter made his day. I tried calling earlier but there was no answer. I guess he ended up working or fell asleep.

I also haven’t heard from Fran who may have tried to call me last night. I did ask Fran last Sat. night if he got my letter. I mean, I asked if he got a letter. I bullshitted him by saying how I’ve noticed that every time I get a letter, so does he. He said no but I think he’s just saying that as Andy got my letter last Fri. It couldn’t have gotten to Arizona quicker than it got to Springfield. I explained to Fran how I was sure “our letters” were from Tracy along with others connected with Tracy.

Mom and Dad should have gotten their letter by now.

Yesterday I called Tammy and explained to her how I’m going nuts here. I also explained the case more in detail as well as expressed my fears. Meanwhile, she told me to keep my chin up and not to let them win. She said she’ll call my lawyer to question how long all this is gonna take. Also, about filing suit. Last Friday I tried calling the lawyer about the lawsuit, the search warrant, and also to tell her about Northampton court on Oct. 24th. I couldn’t get a hold of her as she was in and out.

Last Saturday I got really scared for a while. I was sitting in the stairwell when all of a sudden this really bad vibe came over me. I went up and looked out my living room window and saw a cruiser in the parking lot. I ran to lock all my doors thinking, “Oh no. They’re gonna harass me about the lawsuit.” But then I wondered how they could know about it unless my lawyer said something.

Then the phone rang, and it was Carol telling me that the butchy detective from Amherst who sounds like Laurie H was at the station. Carol said she couldn’t get in the building and that she and the detective only wanted just to talk to me, but I refused. I told Carol that no way was anyone gonna manipulate me again and she was to go through my attorney. I told her my attorney instructed me not to speak to the police. Then I came right out with it and said, “Actually, I’m glad you called as I do know now that the search warrant was illegally obtained and that charges are going to be filed.” I also told her I was filing suit on slander, defamation of character, manipulation, invasion of privacy and involving others in the case who do not belong. She said she’d pass the message along and that the search warrant was legally obtained, through the courts and signed by a judge. I told her that that was not what I was told. Maybe she assumes it was legally obtained and doesn’t know the truth. Chief B can do one thing and tell Carol or anyone else a different story.

After all that, I called downstairs and asked Jennifer if the police were there. She said yes, and then I asked for Peter. He wasn’t there so I asked her to get a pen and write down what I was about to say. I told her all about the suit and that if the cops come in, to pay no attention to them and have them leave. I told her they need to go through my attorney and that it’s illegal for them to disrupt the business or harass them to get through to me.

So, I told my sister how I was so nervous that they’d get spiteful that I refused to talk to them and was contemplating sleeping in my closet. She said not to let my thoughts drive me nuts, hang in there and draw the girls some pictures. She said I had a lot of talent there and draw some for the girls for their rooms. I haven’t done that yet, but I did draw one of Gloria which I am not too impressed with.

I almost long to be holed up in some safehouse till I can be rescued and brought to CT. Only I don’t know if I’m safe here.

Nothing’s really happened since I last wrote. I could not get to sleep for the life of me till 11:00 this morning. Cuz of that, I never went to fuel assistance. Next week I’ll do that as well as food shopping. Why is it that whenever I’m up all day I have nothing to do and when I’m up at night I have shit to do in the daytime?

I left a message for Fran and I have not heard from him. I left this message earlier in the evening at around 9:00. Before I leave him a message, I usually play his messages first by doing the *37 thing. I heard a couple of messages from that girl with the CP. As I mentioned before, I taped her and Fran as well as Andy and Fran. I also taped Fran crying about all kinds of things to the crisis center. Fran had told me yesterday how there was a fire in his building. True or not, I don’t know. I guess someone was heating up a baby bottle and the rubber nipple got overheated and went up in flames. I hope we can talk soon cuz I want to ask him all about his letter. Ha, ha, ha. I’ll tell him I got the same exact same letter and that I think Tracy’s behind it.

Well, I had my day in court last Friday. Not much really happened, and the PD still has the tapes along with my other stuff. My lawyer (Tracy) did say, however, that she believes the search warrant was illegally obtained. Do you know how much trouble they’d be in? Either Chief B is incredibly stupid or doesn’t care about the consequences or really thought he could pull it off. I spoke to Tammy about that as well as the manipulation and leading me to believe their false intentions. Chief B also lied in the paper, telling them a different story than he told me. Chief B also dragged my landlord into this which is trouble for him. Tammy told me to file suit and to sue them and that’s exactly what I’m going to do. Tracy said she asked the DA what he wanted to do and he said he didn’t know. Tracy also said that on October 31, which is my next court date, I should have my stuff back.

Now for another piece of news, I thought I escaped. At the end of August, I received a call from someone who sounded like Laurie H. It was a detective from Amherst telling me I’d be receiving a subpoena to go to Northampton court since it’s not part of Franklin County like Greenfield is. So as time went on, I thought perhaps they decided to drop it. But yesterday I got it in the mail for October 31. I called there today and explained I had to appear in Greenfield court that day and it was moved up to October 24. It’s nice to know Northampton doesn’t seem to know about Greenfield, although they could find out as well as they could find out about Springfield. The first time I met Tracy, I told her about this. She said to let her know if I ever do get a subpoena and she’ll represent me.

I’m gonna go watch some shows I taped but I’ll write more later. I’ll be up all night, unfortunately, as I’ve got to go to sign up for fuel assistance tomorrow.

Later...

Last Friday night, Kim had a dinner party to go to in Northampton. On her way, she was gonna drop me off at some theater I found out about from the Gay Alliance. Some coffeehouse where they also have some live entertainment. A singer and guitarist, I guess. It’s also supposed to be alcohol and drug-free. I would’ve jumped at the thought of going to something like this a year ago. What did I do? I totally chickened out. I told myself I’d no longer go looking for anything or any trouble from another Maliheh. I was just not in the mood that night for the possibility of being approached by an ugly or a so-so. I also wasn’t in the mood to laugh off any gentle, kind rejection or to get brutally led on and made to feel like an ass.

I still say that I could be in a room loaded with gorgeous gay, feminine women and one ugly one and God will make damn sure I get that ugly one. Also, I could move to the best area for music and put non-stop effort into it and get raunchy deals. I don’t mean just sex, either. I could wind up with a great deal that requires no sex but with my luck, it’d require lots of money I don’t have. If I got a deal with no sex and no need for money, it’d turn out to be a lie. Either they backed out, someone’s in a personal crisis, or it was just the thrill of leading someone on, trying to get their hopes up. This is what I mean when I say there’s a difference between bad luck and a curse. I know I’ll never make it and I’ll never have one night with someone I’m attracted to. Oh well. Believe it or not, though, it is becoming easier and easier to accept. Like I said, in the beginning, anyone else in the same situation with the same “plan” would think, gee, I’ve had some rotten luck and my young years at getting decent, attractive people are off at a bad start. Then it becomes rather obvious it’s not meant to be. Especially when you see how 85% of the population just doesn’t give a damn about looks and the other 15% goes and gets what they want and are attracted to.

There’s not much to write about as far as Jessie and Paula are concerned. Only that I’ve spoken with them over the phone. I haven’t heard from Hank or Steve.

Kim may be coming into some money from Bob. I guess Bob had a business when he lived in New York and his partner broke his contract so he’s having a huge check sent to Kim. Kim does not yet know how much. Bob wrote a letter to those people in New York about me and they moved to Chicago and retired. Bob’s having the money sent to Kim as Sandra doesn’t have much longer to live and neither does Bob really. Also, Bob’s so in love with Kim for helping him with his life and his health and looking like his first wife. And I mean exactly like his first wife. He showed me a picture of his first wife Dorothy and if he didn’t say it was her, I’d swear it was Kim.

I have spoken with Andy and Fran here and there and have even made some new tapes. I probably shouldn’t write this due to the pigs here, but I took tapes and taped the holes and made blanks out of tapes I never listen to.

It’s really too bad that Chief B and his people had to pull the shit they did as they’re such nice people otherwise. They’re also in big trouble. Manipulating someone is one thing. When you’re in law enforcement and you manipulate someone as well and put them through unnecessary hassles and harassment, you’ve got a problem.

As far as the letters go, I mentioned earlier that they’ve sure been keeping me busy. I sent out a letter to Mom and Dad. Andy and Fran got another wild and wacky letter. I read part of Fran’s letter over the phone to Andy who was cracking up. He said it was great and wishes he could get letters like that. So, I’ve got two letters like that on their way out. Two letters after the one I just sent are almost on their way out. I’m gonna mail everyone’s all at once. “Like that” means things we’ve done over the phone during pranks. Besides all our lines and sayings, I’d take my journals and read sentences backward as well as skip every other word. Or totally mix together tons of words from different sentences. Also, take the first half of a sentence and finish it with the second half of another sentence. I’d type many numbers and names and my journal chart. I did that mainly for Fran. I’d write tons of Springfield numbers for him. Also, bunches of names to confuse him and make him wonder. This recent bunch of letters I typed. I typed Fran and Andy’s for the hell of it. Kacey’s, however, I’d never write to as she may recognize my handwriting and that’d spoil all the fun of her thinking, “Who the fuck is this, and what the fuck do they mean?”

I wanted nothing more than to write to Russ, but there’s no way as I told him where I was moving to and he’s got my parent’s number.

Hank got a letter too, but between him, Mattie and Kacey, he’s the only one who’ll get a kick out of it and won’t get pissed. I’ll keep him wondering anyway till he says something. I knew it’d be best to type Mattie’s letter, as she’ll no doubt go flying down to Carabetta’s office with it. Carabetta could have a copy of my lease from when I lived there, pull it out if they all suspect me and compare the handwriting.

I’m also sending Andy Jenny’s address so he can write to her and she can freak out when she sees the Phoenix seal on the envelope. He told me that whenever I wanted to write to someone and have them think I live there or just receive a letter from Phoenix to mail it to him and he’ll mail it to them from there.

I’ll send him a letter to send to Nervous since he’s never gonna call, let alone come up here.

Thank God, I finally got my grocery shopping done. I used coupons for my coffee that I’d saved. Also, I used coupons for stuff I didn’t buy. The cashier took all of them. She also gave me $5 back in cash instead of food stamps. How nice. Kim gave me 6 postage stamps and also took me to a bookstore. There, I intended to buy two journals with my $10. I was sick of never being able to shop or buy anything for so long. Finally, I said, “To hell with it. I’m on my last journal so why not?” She threw $10 in my face and said it was a gift. I was shocked and ended up buying 3 journals.

Once again I got up earlier than I intended to, but I did sleep 8 hours. I’ve been up since 2:30 and I’m waiting for Andy to call. He’s gone out to get himself a pack of cigarettes. We’re going to make some calls. He is, I mean, by using his 3-way. Of course, I never got to Food Mart last night but I figured Kim would back out anyway, even if I didn’t. Who knows if I’ll go tonight? At least I still have some food and right now I’m cooking chicken wings.

I wish I knew when I was moving and when all this court shit will be over. I want to move more and more as I’m isolated and abandoned more and more by Kim. I’m really pissed off about her getting me all psyched up about my ear operation. She really put on a good I’m-all-excited act and I of all people should’ve known better. I’m supposed to know people better and not rely on them, but her act had even me fooled. She really seemed just as excited as I was. You don’t do that to someone who’s always wanted to hear out of two ears. I feel so let down by her and so disappointed in her in so many ways. As I said, she has her own life and I respect that, but she should’ve told me she’d be too busy to do much of anything with me rather than lie. When I remember her saying how she moved me up here cuz Mark’s so quiet and boring it makes me laugh. What a joke.

Later...

Andy and I are making calls now together. We are using new phone names. He’s Paul and I’m Shauna instead of Daryl and Lisa. He’s going to leave a nice long message on Nervous’s boss’s machine all about Phoenix. It’s been so long since Nervous has heard from his favorite femmy. It’s about time, when he least expects it, to get a message. He’ll love it.

Later...

He is leaving Nervous’s message now and he’s reading from a magazine skipping every other word. Of course, he’s bringing up other fond memories such as how Sasha broke his desk drawer, Tracy borrowing $20 and the grand old time he had being our slave at the bitch. We’ve been calling people in PHX with funny last names. I also read to them from my journal skipping every other word. He’s getting tired so he’s calling Nervous cuz he’s probably at work now. However, Dick, his boss, will probably answer.

Later...

I just hung up from Andy who’s going to sleep now. We tried calling Feinstein’s Leather, but the machine still picks up. I was hoping one of them would answer but they probably know it’s us calling and are there but won’t answer. I called Nervous two days ago at Feinstein’s and he answered telling me he’ll call me within the next few days. I hope so. Two days ago, I also spoke to Fran and told him I couldn’t get a hold of him. I asked him for the number once again and sure enough, as I figured, he had accidentally given me the wrong number.

Man, oh man, is it raining out there. It’s been coming down hard now since I woke up. I’ve got this drab and sluggish feeling like most people get when it rains. I hate damp dreary days such as this unless it’s in the heat of summer. Then it’s more of a relief when it pours like this in the summer. I feel very tired as if I could take a nap. I’ve got to stay up, though. If I were to fall asleep I’ll be sorry and I’ll have my schedule fucked up again. On the other hand, I’ll set my alarm and only allow myself a 2-hour nap. After that, I’ll make myself get up.

Later...

I decided not to lie down. About 20 minutes ago, the phone rang and I thought it was Nervous’s boss calling to chew me out about Andy calling since they only knew how to get a hold of me. It was Tammy instead. She told me she ended up in the ER after an attack and told me everything they did. It was exactly what they did to me and they gave her Alupent and other stuff. They gave her shots, too. She said this all happened yesterday, but it’s acting up again. Now she realizes how scary it is, she told me. She said she can’t even smoke or move and I told her that’s the worst stage and the only way to get better is to go to the ER. Time is either your best friend or your worst enemy with asthma, just like with heart patients. Once it gets really bad like that, it won’t go away without going to the ER for an updraft and an injection of Ventolin. I told her to keep me posted.

What a boring day this is going to be. I wish I could get my shopping over with right now. Right this very minute. I also better go into Greenfield and sign up for fuel assistance from November-March. I’m quite sure I’ll be here through the month of November, so I’ll sign up. I hope to hell I’m not here through December and January as well. I’ll miss this apartment, but I’m so sick of being ignored by Kim 100% of the time. I only want to be ignored 70% - 80% of the time. Most of the time, not all the time.

I hope someone gets me an electric typewriter for my b-day or Chanukah.

In an hour and a half or so, I’m going to go get my bangs trimmed. The girl that does my hair is cute but has extremely short hair and there’s another one who’s drop-dead gorgeous. Really long hair, a nice face, a nice body, and oh so straight. Is there anybody else like me in this world? I mean, this is the type to bet on and always win. Betting on if she’s straight or gay. If I bet she was straight before finding out how true that is I’d win all the time. This is the type you know without asking, and are 100% sure she’s straight. Of course, I’d never ask anyway. Also, she’s good looking so she’s definitely mean.

Damn! There’s nothing like having the average guy want me, the average gay woman rejecting me, and me not wanting the average gay woman. I don’t want just about any gay woman. I hate wanting a real woman and the gay ones look like men. Like I said, if I was looking for a relationship, that’d be unrealistic, but all I want is one night. One fucking night when I finally can experience lust and that real spark and then I’ll gladly go on carrying it in my head like always. Why is God so determined to stop me? How many more times must I go to bed with someone I’m not attracted to till he lets me have my way? If I can never go to bed with someone attractive, then God, give me the gift of not caring about looks like most people don’t. That way I can still have fun with a few one-night stands a year. I’m absolutely not going to get in bed again with an ugly or just a so-so person ever again. If I’d been straight, I’d get a zillion offers from all kinds of women. Thank God for one thing, though, and that’s that I don’t want a relationship and I’m not bullshitting. I’d never lie in this book and if I knew then what I know now, things would’ve been different. Like I said before, though, it’s normal in your late teens or early 20s to feel the way I used to whether you’re gay or straight. Everyone’s naïve and impractical at that age. But after you go through the experience of learning all about life and people, most people remain suckers and just can’t be independent and they’re desperate and they settle. I have self-respect. Same thing with singing and having a baby. I may have fooled myself about being a singer longer than I should have but I know now I’ll never make it. I don’t want to have a kid as much as I did but I do still think about it and was wrong about that, too. Yes, you do have to be rich to have a kid. If not rich, then close to it.

I fell asleep yesterday at 3 PM and believe it or not I managed to sleep till 3 AM. I woke up a few times, though, and took my meds. I have to take them again soon. For the last couple of days, due to changing my schedule, I wasn’t quite taking them regularly. As the Theodur is for prevention against attacks, you need to keep it up at a certain level in the blood. I ended up feeling like shit cuz of this and almost had a bad attack. Overall, it’s so good to be feeling so much better and those vitamins Ma sent really do help. No more getting one cold or flu after another. I was skeptical about those vitamins helping as you usually feel no difference. People will do anything to make a buck.

Well, the time has finally arrived for Shadow to be fixed. Earlier this morning Kim gave me the cat carrier and I took him to the vet where he is now. Luckily it’s so close. While I was waiting for them to open, I could see this building from where I sat on their front steps. I got there a few minutes before 8:00 but didn’t have to wait too long. I’m to go get him at 2:30. I already miss him and I love that cat so much.

A funny thing happened as I was on my way there. This car pulled up beside me and I thought the guy was going to offer me a ride. Instead, he said, “Aren’t you the girl I met at the barbershop who’s going to be a country singer?”

I wasn’t sure if he was familiar to me or not and I had only been in there once to ask the guy who owns and works there about trimming my bangs. He was the only one I spoke to and we never talked about music and I never went back again.

So anyway, the guy just said that he wanted to know my name in case I make it someday.

If I really did not speak to him anywhere (I’d remember as I’ve got a great memory) then maybe he’s connected to the police, Maliheh or the advertising company. That’s all that was said to me anyway, then he pulled into the driveway of United Bank. Since he never did offer me a ride, which is the usual case when a guy pulls up that you don’t know, maybe something’s up. Speaking of Maliheh, I still haven’t gotten a subpoena to go to court in Northampton.

Later...

In about 15 minutes I’ll be leaving to go get Shadow. He was very good about the trip over there, but he and I both won’t enjoy it as much this time. It’s really raining quite hard out.

I hope Peter doesn’t call while I’m gone if he calls at all. I need to ask him some questions about my thermostat. It works, but not on auto like the AC does. I’ll also ask one of the guys who works out back to come up and take my living room screen out again. It’s filled with spiders and a huge web. He came up here the day ma was here with a brush and brushed off the screen but it didn’t do any good. This time I want him to do that again as well as Raid the screen. I’ll go leave a note on my upper door for the guy just in case he does pop in while I’m gone.

I just spoke to Steve a little while ago and told him about CT. I also spoke with him more about my phone call case. I told him I spoke to Tammy. Yesterday Tammy spoke to Mark. Now I’m worried more and more and I just do not know what to think. So many people have said different things. Also, the same people have said one thing and then another. An example of that is, Chief B told me that I probably wouldn’t be fined as I can’t afford it. He also told me he doesn’t think they could afford to put me in jail and that the jails are overcrowded and it’s not the most serious offense. Carol, my lawyer, and Mark and Kim told me they probably wouldn’t put me in jail, but then in the Greenfield paper Chief B changed his story. He had said 2 years with a $500 fine or 5 years with a $1,000 fine. Also, Mark told Tammy that cuz the company I called is a big part of this town and cuz I’m in a small town, I may be fined or do some time and they’re really gonna push it as far as they can. Or I’d be on probation but maybe not allowed to leave the state for a while. Mark still feels I should get my tapes back in the end and I mentioned to Steve that my lawyer said the DA has to duplicate my tapes. He said that’s very true as it’s still my private, personal belongings. I’m determined not to let them win in this case as they’ve already gotten their number one wish - no more calls from me. Secondly, I can’t go to jail as I’ll get killed or beat to within inches of death. I would rather kill myself than be murdered. Having to defend myself against one girl in jail is one thing but not 3 or 4 or more girls. And you know they gang up on tiny girls in huge clusters and that most girls in jail are there for much more serious crimes. There are mostly big butches in jail who have beaten people or killed them and not in self-defense, either. A lot of them do it strictly for laughs.

Later...

I am listening to a bootleg tape of Linda I got from a record convention in Boston or Chicopee. It’s amazing how strong her voice is. All the time. Linda can always cut it in concert as well as in recordings. I doubt she’s ever sung like shit for one day in her whole life. Gloria, on the other hand, is usually not as good in concert. I have Gloria singing Don’t Wanna Lose You on tape from music awards and it was so pitifully bad. The look on her face, as well as her band members, was like, “Oh my God.” I have a few concerts on video of hers that are not too great, but that was the worst. I wonder how Linda can keep going and going without losing her voice or getting sore throats. Well, maybe I could answer that if I didn’t smoke and did my voice exercises regularly. As a smoker and one who doesn’t do her voice exercises daily, I’m a good singer. I know, however, I could be a great one if doing what I need to do to make that possible wasn’t so impossible. I know, at this point for sure, I’ll never quit smoking permanently no matter how much I want to or how sick I get. Oh well. You only live once.

A few nights ago I was feeling a little bummed, so I called NCC where I had a talk with a very encouraging and positive woman. Not only did she tell me she knew some very feminine professional and decent gay women, but she mentioned this thing called the Gay Alliance. It’s supposed to be geared towards having more stable and upper-class people meet. Besides support groups, they have dances and more feminine people in a safer, cleaner atmosphere. Less trash to sort through than you would in a bar. She told me that the reason why I feel as if there are no feminine gays, is cuz when you see a butchy one walking down the street, they’re so obvious. She then said I’d be surprised how many are walking around appearing very feminine. I still feel there’s one in millions and you know how I am. In some cases, this one especially, seeing is believing even though I’m living proof of one. I still say it’s bullshit and I’m a fluke of nature. Tammy mentioned seeing something like this in some paper out there so since I’m not gonna be here too much longer, I won’t bother. At least I hope to hell I’m not here too much longer, let alone jail. Now here’s the main point of the conversation I had with that woman, who, by the way, took my number to give to some people she knows, but I know better.

The woman named Nancy, now that I remember it, had an idea about Maliheh which I never thought of or considered after I told her the story. In my mind, I’d say she’s only got a 10% chance of being right, but I’ll write about it anyway. I have nothing better to do.

At one point during our conversation, I was telling her how every person I’ve ever wanted and tried to pursue, brushed me off or really slapped me in the face with serious rejection. The more I wanted someone, the more severely they rejected me even if I pursued them respectfully. Without getting pushy, I mean. I told her that is why when I want someone, I’ll never approach them again. Ever. I also expressed my belief that God is influencing these things to happen and that I didn’t know why. I could almost be sure that if I picked 10 ugly women and hit on them, 8 or 9 out of the 10 would be flattered and take me up on my proposition. The 1 or 2 that brush me off, would do so kindly. That’s more than bad luck or a coincidence to me. That’s a case of it’s not meant to be.

So anyway, I told her how interested Maliheh seemed and how she flipped on me when I left that “Dear John” message, as she called it. Nancy felt she had flipped cuz she really wanted me and still did and couldn’t handle my rejection. She said that people have strange ways of reacting. If this is true then I wonder why we never got together for a week. This happened after we met and not only did I sense maybe she wasn’t interested after all but knew God would not allow me to have her. Plus, yes I’m scared to death of people for so many reasons and that awkward feeling came over me despite how much I was attracted to her. So I figured, if I didn’t dump her, she’d dump me or time would go on with me never having her. I like to chase, guess and wonder but not forever. I also only want to capture for one night but I know it’ll never happen as long as I live. Like I said, to me, Nancy has a very very slim chance of being right with her theory. I believe she really didn’t want me after all and was truly pissed when she thought that I thought she wanted me. If she felt so hurt and rejected, then I’d think she’d try harder and not give up so easily and get as pissed off as one would get if they lost a winning lottery ticket for a million bucks. I’d like to believe Nancy’s right, but my past history tells me otherwise. There have been too many others who have found out I liked them through me or by someone else and believe me when I say they weren’t too happy. They were quite angry.

Maybe I should get a sign that says ‘I’m not straight, I just look it’ if I want to go out again.

As I continue to reverse my schedule I’ve kept quite busy playing with Shadow on and off all night. It’s amazing how much I love that cat and how much he loves me.

I wrote a song called A Light in the Dark. I’m very happy with how it came out.

I have spoken with Ma and Tammy both and have made a very final and definite decision. I’m moving to CT. I feel way too isolated here and have no way to save up for my goal. The expenses are just too high and it’s been the ultimate struggle of my life. There’s no bus line and Kim’s got her own life and is always very busy. I have no one and nothing. I’d hate to be involved with too many things and too many people cuz that’s how you get burned. On the other hand, when you’re completely isolated you’re safer, but you go insane.

I have to return to court on October 4th and if that’s not my final court date, I’ll just leave and say fuck it. Yes, I’ll lose any chance of ever recovering some or all of my tapes as well as my $80 answering machine, but I’ve got to split ASAP, and Andy can replace some of the tapes. Also, I wouldn’t want to, but I can live without an answering machine and can always get a new one someday. Plus, even if the DA were to say right this second, “Give Jodi O her tapes back and everything else you have,” they’re only gonna fuck with them by breaking them or conveniently losing them. sighs I’m so sick of people taking and breaking my things.

I will miss this apartment, and according to Tammy, the apartment they looked at is small but it’s a 2-bedroom, modern apartment where your heat is included. I hope I get the heat I pay for. I did with Carabetta and from what I heard they have that kind of heating system Carabetta had. No old fashion radiators. Also, it’s wall-to-wall carpet with laundry rooms and even an elevator. Since I don’t do first floors I guess I have my choice of second and third. If the third floor’s the highest, that’s what I want. So, as Tammy’s said, it’s small but at least I’ll have my family, a bus line, more things to do, and I’ll be typing for her for $30 or $40 a week and can save to leave the east coast.

I spoke with Andy the other night who made calls and he also blared some of the edits through the phone into my speakerphone and into my boom box. God, I’m so pissed just knowing only 10% of the material on all those will be recovered! All the time and money I spent on those tapes. Tapes that were totally blank. Songs from other people’s tapes I don’t have. Nervous and Fran convos I’ll never have again, crossings, and the list goes on. I’ll never trust anyone again and from now on anything private or personal is to be disguised to a T. I’m still so paranoid to write my own fucking life, thoughts and feelings in this journal, terrified that someone somewhere will, take, steal or destroy it.

I hate people, man! I hate fucking people! If I ever do meet new friends or eventually was able to settle for a so-so-looking woman in 10 years how can I ever trust them? No matter what she looked like, if I met a woman, how am I ever gonna handle it after Maliheh and all the others that fucked me over or just weren’t that great? How can I ever trust again? How can I ever believe or be confident in anyone again? How can I ever even have sex again? How can I ever get involved without pushing that person away? How can I get involved without running away scared? How can I ever have confidence in myself in a part-time relationship like I do as someone’s friend? How? How? How? How? How? How? How will I ever be able to handle a compliment without doubting the person? Will anyone be able to say they like or love me with me being able to believe them? Will I ever be able to trust anyone?

I think that over the last year after experiencing what I have and knowing what I do now I’ve come to know and accept that none of the above will ever happen. Even though 5% of the time I still wish I could have just one night with someone attractive. Someone I feel that sexual spark with. The type of character I usually can never get, I’ll never have sex again if my only choice is the same ongoing pattern. Never again is sex gonna be a boring chore. No spark, no sex. Just like with singing. No singing, no big 40-hour-a-week job.

Later...

Well, I managed to stay up until noon yesterday as I got my schedule screwed up again after 3 weeks. I only slept until 6 PM, though, as I woke up to the sound of Kim running her bathwater. My bathroom’s right across from the bedroom. And directly behind my bathroom is hers.

Tomorrow I was gonna go to the Big E with her but since I’ll never be able to go to bed and get up at 9:00 which is when she wants to leave, I won’t be going. She wants to stay till 4:00 or 5:00 which is much too long to need or want to be there. 3 hours or so would be different. Plus, she’s backed out on me so many times before that I don’t feel bad about it, and I said I’d do to those what they do to me from now on. Within reason, that is.

Now, I’m contemplating and toying with the idea of doing my writing in notebooks from now on. I’m not sure yet. Notebooks are cheaper and they’re easier to write in as the pages stay open better. Journals like these are more expensive but much prettier, durable and they’d last longer. Would I want to invest more money into something that very well may be taken away or stolen or something like that?

After being in Brattleboro and Valleyhead, remember how I said I’d always fantasize about being invisible? I’d lay in bed at home in Longmeadow late at night wishing I could snap my fingers and be there invisible. Once there, I’d go up to everyone who treated me like dirt and slap them upside the head. Well, now I wish I could be invisible and soundless, meaning if I screamed, talked or laughed no one would hear. Also any object I touched could become invisible if I so desired it to. If I could make this fantasy a reality for one single day I’d go to the police department and get my stuff, then go to any restaurants I could and steal the tips. I’d also be able to go to wherever my mother and other people I don’t like are and either punch them or just poke at their faces. Maybe rearrange a few items too. I’d also make sure I did this while someone else was there to see them freak out and think they’ve lost their minds.

Later...

I spoke with Jessie earlier about CT and she said she’ll definitely get those suits mailed out and see me in CT, if not here. I hope she puts enough postage on the envelope as I can’t afford to pay the difference. I’ll also get in touch with Steve, Jai and Paula. I won’t even bother to give my new number and address to Jimmy who I had a great talk. He got caught drunk driving so he lost his license and may also be doing jail time so he won’t be able to. He tried calling me but dialed the wrong number. Hank, I have not heard from in ages and when I call he never answers. Fran, I won’t bother with after I move. He changed his number like he does every other month which he had given to me over the phone. He either gave me a phony number or I copied down the wrong number. Chances are neither of the above is correct. He probably thought he was giving me the right number, but by accident gave me the wrong number. You know how stupid Fran is. Unfortunately, I’ve never gotten a call or a letter from Nervous, but it’s his choice to either contact me or not if he wants. I do wonder what he’s up to nowadays.

Later...

Hank called me an hour ago. He was in St. Francis Hospital in CT due to his heart. That’s what I figured. Hank gave me Mattie’s number and while he was on the line I called her and freaked her out with the edits. I wish Hank had 3-way and I hope Fran hurries up and calls before I move.

This time, when I tell Fran I’m moving, I will give him a phony number. He’ll probably try to get the number from Mom, but of course, she won’t give it to him. I have the feeling, however, that he’s lost Ma’s number and he’s always losing shit and lost my new number here when he moved to another floor in his building. That’s Fran for you. Luckily some people are stupid as it’s convenient for those who aren’t.

Later...

I made sure I stood up as late as I could and slept as late as I could. I ended up getting up at 7:00 this evening to reverse my schedule again. In another 2-3 days, I’ll be on days again. I need to be as I’ve got some errands and other things to do. Monday, Shadow’s gonna be fixed. I’ve got a form sent from Boston for half off as I’m low-income. Between Shadow’s shot and his being neutered, it should cost about $25. He only needs one shot, they told me, as he’s an indoor cat. Luckily males are cheaper to fix than females, but Kim gave me the money for this. That’s so nice of her.

Earlier I spoke with Tammy and told her everything about the calls, tapes, court and the search warrant. I wouldn’t have said anything if I knew it could be completely wrapped up by October 4th, but it won’t be. I didn’t want to upset her but she listened patiently and tried to understand and said she’d say nothing to mom and dad. It isn’t as if Mom and Dad would disown me, but you know how they are. They’d be very upset and I don’t blame them but they can’t really handle shit like that. Tammy asked for the number of Chief B, Mark, and my lawyer, and I gave them to her. She says she’ll call on Monday.

Mom was here last Friday the 13th. If anyone has to visit on Friday the 13th, it would have to be her. A double curse for sure. It was hell at times, of course. One minute she’d be ok, the next bitchy and bossy. She tells me she understands my feelings yet I still feel as if she wants me to be what she wants. I feel as if she’s trying to control me and doesn’t want to see me take any chances or succeed in any way. I feel she could care less about me wanting a part-time lover or a kid or to be a singer.

Tammy and I had a good talk about that and she told me to keep my chin up and to do what I want to do. How can I, though? I feel I no longer have any choice but to settle for what I don’t want, be it a job or a lover.

Mom called me from Tammy’s which is where she went after she left here the next day saying she’s going to be back Wednesday and we’ll talk. When I asked her what we’d talk about she told me she’d like to see me near the family and that family’s important. Asking me to give up my dream for anyone is asking way too much and proves to me all the more that she’s out to control me. At this point, however, I know I’ll never have what I want so I’ll just start doing what everyone else wants. Now I know for sure I’ll never be a singer so why not move to Connecticut? Plus, I know even if I went to a bar 7 days a week, I’ll never have what I want, so it doesn’t matter that I’ll be 100% cut off from that either.

Later...

I screwed up my schedule again. I need to try and get back on days as ma will be here Wednesday and Kim and I are going to the Big E on Friday.

I forgot to mention after I last wrote that when ma was here she brought some food, of course. At one point she and I were opening a big huge can of chocolate pudding. Right before we opened this huge can, I put my guitar up against the stove and was dying to play. I hadn’t played in a few months, put the string on that Bob got me and cut my nails which were really long. So what did mom do after we opened the can? Walked right into it, knocked it over and broke two strings. She’s sending me all 6 strings which I’ll probably get tomorrow. There are two reasons I’m sort of glad she broke them rather than me. That’s cuz she can afford to replace them and I can’t. Also, she sure was a lot nicer after she did that. She even felt guilty enough, even without me accusing her of doing it on purpose which I did to blow off steam. That was cruel to blame her and take it out on her but I guess being the way she is made it easier to do that. Normally I wouldn’t do that to someone. As I said, ma brought some food and two tank tops and a pair of pants. She hemmed the pants and also took in that gorgeous dress I got a few months ago at the sides.

We went out and browsed around the Yankee Candle Co. and ate lunch outside at their picnic table. We also looked into some other shops which are newly built and were mostly of jewelry and knickknacks and plenty of old stuff. She bought me a bracelet and some beads and some of that colored yarn that’s more like string. Last night I made Lisa, Becky and Sarah a beaded bracelet and also began to make one of those colored cloth bracelets. The one with the backward 4’s that’s sort of is like macramé, that the bitch, Michelle that lived with me on Locust St. taught me.

Speaking of good old Jenny C, we had our day in court on Sept. 12th, and as figured, it was dismissed. Poor Jenny. She’s no doubt rip-shitting pissed. I mean, she really wanted to get me good. Andy laughed when I told him about it.

Besides making those bracelets, I made another string of all my different colored beads on a wire string. This is the 4th one and it has a pretty clear glass heart on it and I hung it in the kitchen window/door on a suction cup. I also made a placemat and intend to make 5 for Tammy, Bill and the girls but my first one’s just a wee bit too small. It would even look good hung on the wall. I made it by taking a rectangular piece of cardboard and cutting 18 little slits on the long ends. I took that stringy yarn and wrapped it round and round, hooking it into each slit, then secured it on the back with tape. Then I’d cut long pieces of regular yarn, double it and weave it over and under across the whole thing. After that was done, I cut the strings in the back half and tied them on the ends where I started weaving and finished weaving. Then I made tassels on the 4 corners.

Later...

Tammy and I, as I said before, had a long talk and she said that a lot of people made money when they first entered the music business by selling their songs. She said she heard this on MTV. I like the idea of that a lot but finding the address to send these songs to would be like trying to find a needle in a haystack. Andy said to try the library and look under music publishing. Good idea.

The reason why I haven’t been writing much in a while is clear. I’m paranoid. So afraid my privacy will be invaded. Got I hope I get those tapes back! It seems all my life I always end up losing the things that I love and care about so much. I feel like this is just too much of a punishment. At home, in Brattleboro, in Valleyhead and other places I’ve always had to fight to hang onto the things I need and love. I always lose. I hate it. I hate that trapped feeling. I hate it when I lose people as well as material things. Friends or people I liked as well as was attracted to that could give a rat’s ass about me and how I feel.

I spoke to my lawyer who reminds me of Tracy K. I told her I was gay and she said, “Me too,” as if she needed to tell me. Shit, you can just look and see that as you can with just about all gay women except for me.

As I began to write the last time, till court began, I ended up talking with Chief B and Carol for nearly two hours after only intending to get my papers and leave. It amazed me how much they wanted to get to know and understand more about me. They were quite sensitive and understanding, too. The first thing the Chief and Carol said is how they’re open to all kinds of relationships and accept people as they are. We discussed that and all the stuff I love to do and why I feel hopeless and trapped. I even ended up singing for them and they asked me. That was nice. The Chief, who thinks I’m attractive and let me know that when he met me, took a picture of me. They gave me one, too.

Well, anyway, last Friday or Saturday night I did something quite bad. I mean, we’re talking about the most major setback and something I haven’t done since I was 17. That’s right. I cut myself. I actually cut myself. I lay in bed that night, desperately trying to suppress the urge to reach out, but knowing I couldn’t. Knowing no one was there. Wanting, wishing to be held, loved, communicated with. Trying to accept that I’d always be alone. Never ever being able to have the one-night stand every few months I want with what’s basically the wrong kind of women which is straight women. Feminine women. Trying not to think about Andy, Nervous, Steve, Jai, Paula, Jessie and Fran. Trying to block out the bad memories of the past. Bad memories of mom and any places she threw me away to. Trying to forget about music. Damn! It wasn’t supposed to be this way. I was supposed to move and have the beautiful apartment and area be enough for me, and not need or think about music, sex or anything fun in the past or something fun in the present. Once upon a time, Andy and I going to the parking lot late at night behind the temple was no big deal. Now I miss it so much. I’d just love to be able to do that right this minute. It’s funny the things we take for granted till they’re all gone and you miss them so much!

Tomorrow, I’ll write about the talk I had with Tammy and about the aerobics place next door.

Well, here I am in court waiting for them to open up. This is the case with the advertising agency that had all those answering machines I called and played with.

I guess soon I’ll have to go to Northampton for Maliheh.

When I went down to the station to get the papers for today I ended up talking with Chief B and Carol for nearly two hours.

I finally got myself on a day schedule and I’m gonna try and keep it that way for a while. Ma’s coming up in a week or so and I’ll also be going to court soon. I also need to go sign up for fuel assistance and I need my bangs trimmed big time.

Well, summer’s on its way out and it’s pretty chilly out now. Believe it or not, I put my heat on. They say it’s gonna be 70º out today and I hope so as now’s the time to do my sun tanning. I can’t tan when it’s unbearably hot and humid like it was a few days ago for 4 days unless I can swim in a pool or lake or the beach. Plus it looks so good and I tan easier now that I’m older. When I was younger I’d turn bright red and peel instantly.

Now, I have some good news I’m psyched about. Aside from this house with the first and second floor being the business and Kim and Mark and me up top, there’s a little tiny building next door. It’s part of the habitat too but it has only two floors and is much smaller. Each floor here is about 2600 square feet. The two floors there are about 600 which is just about the size of the Woodside apartment. The bottom floor is the fitness center and no one’s hardly ever there. There was a place on top for $300 a month which this guy who lived there moved out of. So, I left a message downstairs and George called me back and I told him all about Steve. So when I spoke to Steve he was psyched and he’s got an appointment with Peter M this Thursday at 10 AM. I can’t wait for him to move here! From what I’ve heard, it’s not as big and as fancy as my place and I don’t think Steve has a washer and dryer. If not, I’ll wash dry and fold his laundry with my detergent if he’ll simply help me tie up loose ends at the end of the month. Things like cigarette money.

I have more to write about later. Fran got 3-way.