I’ve been very angry and depressed tonight. I know most of it’s due to my period and periods do play on your emotions. I’m sure I’ll feel much happier and carefree in a day or two for a couple of weeks unless reality hits me anytime in between then.

Before I get to my good news, let me bitch some more. Yes, I know bitching ain’t gonna change things and no matter what I say or do and no matter what my beliefs or attitude is, I can’t have what I want, but bitching helps to a degree. I still say the same old thing, I know, but still, what is it with Tom? What is it with God? Why are they doing this to me? Does God have some other reason for not allowing me a child that I don’t know about? Why is he so unfair? Why again, must he give plenty of 15-year-old kids, but not this 30-year-old? What did I do? Is it cuz I slept with women? Is it cuz I tried taking my life years ago? Just what is it? Is it cuz it would kill me for sure? Can I not be able to handle it for sure? Would it cause me to lose Tom? What is it? Am I just plain old not good enough? If I’m not good enough, then why are those on drugs who beat or molest or kill their children good enough?

Nothing I’ve done will get Tom to cum, so will he ever tell me he doesn’t really want a child or will he ever really go to the doctor with me in ‘97? He says that in his mind a doctor in ‘97 doesn’t exist. What’s he gonna have on his mind when ‘97 comes? How is he gonna admit we need a doctor if he doesn’t admit he doesn’t want one? How will he accept this? How can he believe something’s possible when it hasn’t been shown to be possible for two years unless he really is hiding something? How can I ignore what my gut tells me about him and those that say to follow your gut cuz they say your gut instinct is pretty accurate?

How can I ever bring myself to pray to a God that’s so unfair? That lets murderers go free and home to the kids that they can have. How will I ever get over not having a kid like I have with never having the ideal woman? How much longer will it take? I’m getting better, but it still seems like somewhat of a slow process that’s gonna take forever.

Is this possible business opportunity with Excel a sign that I’m meant to be a career woman and not a mother? Why must there always be some impossible dream that I dream of? Why must I always want stuff I can’t have? Why can’t I just accept and be happy with the way things are? Why can’t I be one of those who wouldn’t want to change a thing about their lives? Why must I always have some freakish abnormal situation going on with me or someone I’m closely connected with? Why can’t I just have a normal sex life? Why is that my sex life seems cursed? First it’s not getting anyone I’m attracted to and now this. Why? Dear God, why can’t you just let my sex life be normal and complete? Why won’t you help us? Is it that Tom doesn’t want to be helped cuz he doesn’t want a kid? But you’ve given countless people children who didn’t want them, so why? Why not us?

I know that if I never said a word about a kid to Tom, quit smoking, and all kinds of other wonderful things he still will never allow us a child. Why won’t he say what’s truly on his mind? Even though it’d hurt like hell, at least that would help to finalize it.

I used to wonder if my being blessed with gifts and abilities is why I’ve been compensated for not being able to have a child, but now I don’t know. Not when I see people like Gloria who have it all. Fame, fortune, love, and two kids.

Where did I go wrong in this matter? What did I do wrong? Is there really anything I can do to fix this situation? Am I really being selfish and spoiled by asking for a child?

Tom knows I’ll be mid-cycle on the 28th and I can guarantee you he’ll be exhausted or busy that day or will just lick my pussy only. Why? He should know that I can’t get pregnant if he won’t cum.

OK, enough bitching about a situation that’ll never change.

My parents sent us a package today with Tom’s presents wrapped in Christmas paper and mine wrapped in Chanukah paper.

He got a sweatshirt with flags of all 50 states and an NBA T-shirt. Also 3 round dials on a wooden plaque for reading the temperature, the barometer, and the humidity. This, he really loved. He loves these kinds of things, he said.

I got a really nice denim skirt and two half-shirts that are totally me. One’s pink and one’s bright green. Boy, have they improved when it comes to buying clothes for me! Believe it or not, the skirt is actually a bit big on me, but it won’t be after I wash it. I like these kinds of outfits as well as really sexy or slutty outfits, cuz it’s casual and comfy, yet feminine.

I got a curling iron that’s smaller for making smaller curls. I wondered why they sent that to me when I have naturally curly hair, but I had fun with it anyway. I had my hair straightened, then I just curled the ends. After I washed and straightened it, I curled the whole thing which took over an hour. I couldn’t roll the whole length of the piece of hair as it’s way too long. Instead, I curled what I could, then kept working up the piece of hair. So, I rolled each piece of hair about 6 different times. It’s only a little curlier than my own hair. It looks more like it did when I was 24 when it was only to my bra strap as the shorter my hair, the curlier. This long, though, the weight of the length pulls it out a bit, cuz it covers all of my back (not quite all of my butt yet, though!). While I watch TV, I try to snip off split ends one at a time, so as not to have to hack off the 8 or so inches it’d need to salvage it and that’d put it all the way up to my middle back.

Got a bird feeder similar to one they sent me last year. It’s small and made for small birds, but I’ll bet the pigeons will be stupid enough to try to stand on it.

Got a hand-held mirror with plastic brush bristles on the back of it. It’s got a floral fabric edged with lace around it and Tom said it looks like something his Mom would make. True. I also got a matching picture frame and there was a picture of Dad in it in their store.

They sent about 12 pictures of their store. They sure have lots of flags. Speaking of flags, they sent that musical one I said I loved.

They sent me a purple and blue drink cooler. The kind you can take to the pool or on a bike.

Three turtles on top of each other made out of shells. An alligator pin, necklace, and earrings. Two needlepoint things. One of a musical note and one of a southwestern design.

Finally, pastels for drawing on shirts. I loved these as they look like crayons and it looks like they’ll be easier to use than the markers. I think I’ll do different flower drawings, cuz thanks to Mom and Dad’s flag catalogs, my flower drawings have improved.

We also got holiday cards from Mary and David and Mom and Dad S. thanking us for all we’ve done for them and for us being there. I also got a birthday card from Kim and a letter from her as well as two Bob letters she enclosed.

Got letters from Jenny and Bob.

Andy might be calling soon we may call Karson. Other than this, not much else is going on and I think I'll go listen to music now.

Tom is still very sore, so he says. Sorer than he’s ever been before. At least I got him to go down on me, then we worked side by side on the computers together for a while.

I forgot to mention how Bob said he used to go to topless bottomless bars for a while. Couldn’t he have just said nude?

Kim was supposed to call to talk to Tom about this new business she’s in, but she called a half-hour later than she was supposed to and he conked out. It’s some kind of thing with a telephone company where you don’t have to put out lots of money, know lots of people or have a car. She’s gonna call some other time and send us tapes and brochures on it. She says she can’t believe how promising it is and that she feels like she’s living a dream. She says she knows two other nurses that did it and they quit nursing to do this cuz it was such good money.

Last night Andy decided to call Karson while we were talking. She’s back in Mesa and was totally boring. She wasn’t frantic with us at all. We told her we’d call her every few months or so. I don’t know if she’s called Andy, but she hasn’t called me and I’m grateful for that.

Minnie left a message today. I didn’t think I’d ever hear from her again since she never wrote me back and the times between our calls and letters get bigger and bigger each time. She’s got a kid, though, so I understand.

Later...

Got a few funny things to mention, but first, Tom said they took their for-sale sign down next door and that it can mean a few things. That they either decided to switch Realtors, decided to rent it or put a foreclosure on it so the bank claims it. He says that after a house sells they usually keep the sold sign up for 30 days to show off how well they sell houses. He also could’ve decided to sell it himself as some houses are for sale by owner. I think the bank claimed it and he stopped all payments on it. I sure hope it isn’t sold even though I wouldn’t be surprised if it was. Would God really spare me that many more months of peace? I can’t believe he’s already given me peace and quiet since September 1st.

Yesterday and tonight I was a little bummed with PMS and PMS brings out reality. Why didn’t I do the right thing? Why did I go and agree to wanting a family and wanting to do whatever to allow it to happen when he’s only gonna keep playing me for a fool? Why didn’t I say I wanted one but knew better and therefore I wanted nothing to do with it and check out those injections? Why do I set myself up to be lied to and played with? You would think I’d have more respect for myself by now. I’m stupid. I know nothing’s changed here and it never will.

Yesterday Tom told me he’s decided he likes me better fully dressed cuz it makes the times I’m naked more special that way.

Right! None of the other things he suggested and that I tried worked, so why should I believe this one? He’s so full of shit! I just can’t understand why he can’t come out and tell me the truth. Isn’t he getting sick and bored with this game? Or is he still so into it that much? What a way to get your kicks, huh?

I still wish I knew what I did to him to deserve this. He says how much he loves me and that I’m a wonderful wife, so why? Why?! How can someone who’d hang naked in public from a tree by their ankles for me, walk through fire, walk on a bed of nails, and cut their hands off for me be so cruel and mean to me?

Minnie left me another message today but she called before I got up.

I also spoke to Karson today. I figured what the hell? She isn’t exactly another Fran P in that sense, just weird. So, I read her the letter I got from Bob with the changes I made to it and she was laughing about it. Andy and I may call her later.

Tom looked up Excel on the computer and we found stuff about the company. He says it looks good and wants me to go for it. Kim’s gonna be sending me info on it. Right now I don’t know that much about it to write about it, but when and if I do, I will.

Maybe this was sent to me by God as a trade for the baby? Or to keep my mind off of it more? It seems reasonable to think his message behind this is saying he wants me to work, not be a mother. There’s no way he’ll ever allow me a child any more than Tom would. I know, though, that no matter how much I want a kid and no matter how much Tom’s games piss me off, a child would be the worst thing for me. I really do believe that yes, I would be a bad mom and there’s no way I could handle it. Both my mind and body could never handle it. It would just ruin my body, make me insane, steal my life, and ruin my marriage. Although he promises to go to a doctor in April of ‘97, he still insists that a fertility doctor is all in my head and that we’re not gonna need to go. Then he better plan on cumming or doing something else to really convince me that we shouldn’t bother going.

No mail from Kim today, but I will be getting a few letters from her. No, she and Bob never did anything. She says his touching her on the way to New York was in his head. She said he does try to put his hand on her leg here and there and she removes it.

My hubby with the deadbeat dick will be home soon. We’re gonna move some of the shit we plan to sell out into the garage.

Did I mention how we moved the tag sale up another week due to his working 9 hours at his aunt’s? It’s a legit excuse, but there’ll always be a legit excuse with him to move it up yet another week every damn week.

There weren’t as many birds today when I got up. Maybe 17 or so instead of 28, but there are still a few lingering around the backyard and patio right now hopping for extras.

Today was a good day, but like I said, there’s always an excuse with Tom. He waits till the end of his day to do anything sexual and he’s always sore or tired. At least he did a damn good job licking my pussy.

We went out to pick up Chanukah cards for Tammy and her family, my parents, and Andy. I got a blank card for Larry and his family and wished them a Happy Merry Chachristmaskah.

We also got a puppy calendar, some candy, and I got ChapStick with a touch of color.

There were nearly 30 birds today. I told you before that there was a new brown and gray one. Now there’s a new white and gray one. How many more birds are there gonna be?

Tom and I went over to Mom and Dad’s and I helped turn Ma’s window crystals so that the sun would reflect them better. I also helped to pull out a fence by their garden. I told her I forgot to bring the catalog and flags, but that I would the next time. I noticed they have a bracket for a flag in front of their house. She’d like the pineapple there and I hope she’s got a pole.

I’m doing great with my schedule. I wanted to sleep from 4 AM till noon today and that’s just what I did.

Tom’s out now working on his aunt’s water tank. It was her turn to have problems with her water tank. He also mentioned stopping by his parent’s house too, so who knows when he’ll be home?

Later, we’ll probably go out and get Chanukah cards.

Today Mom and Dad S probably got the letter and drawings I surprised them with.

Andy came over last night and gave me my 3 birthday presents. He says my card will be here in a few days.

I showed him my latest cactus drawings and Mom and Dad S.’s painting I’m gonna give them for Christmas. I gave him 3 NPNs to mail for me.

Here’s what he got me: First, he put different to and from labels on each of the 3 gifts. They said: to Jodi from Andy, to Mystery from The Fem, and to Lisa S from Gloria Estefan.

Scented soaps. There were 3 of them in floral scents. Each was a different color, too. Pink, purple, and yellow.

He also got me this really nice vanilla room freshener spray. He had a bottle of it in his car and I told him I really liked it. It does go away fast, but it doesn’t make me sneeze.

Lastly, a super nice gift. A video of Gloria with 17 videos I’ve never seen before. She looks great in some of them and then there are some in which her hair and clothes suck.

Gotta get up at 11 AM tomorrow for the tag sale and now that I remember, I think Tom mentioned us getting cards tomorrow and not today. He said tomorrow or Monday.

Later...

Where the hell is Tom? I’ve been trying to call his parents to see if he can bring some KFC home on the way back, but it’s been busy for the last couple of hours.

Kim called a while ago and she’s in business with some phone company. She said her brother told her about it and that she said she couldn’t believe it. How easy it was I mean, and how promising. I told her to call back Monday night to tell Tom about it. How he’ll feel about it, I don’t know, but at least he can hear about it.

Andy may or may not be over tonight. His car is fixed, but tonight may not be a good night for him to come over. We’ll just have to wait and see on that one.

Tom will be home soon, but in the meantime, I thought I’d write.

I don’t know if I wrote about this yet, but yesterday sure was a funny sight in the backyard. It rained which was great cuz it cleaned the carbon monoxide out of the air and my lungs are much better. Well, the pigeons didn’t leave when it began raining as I thought they would. Instead, they all lay down on their side and stuck one wing up. I don’t know what the purpose of this was since it didn’t seem to shield their faces from the rain. Tom says he thinks they were taking a shower. Just 1 wing, though?

Andy may be over tonight. He said he’ll call me from work, then we’ll see.

Today I had my clock set for noon, but I woke up 3 minutes before the alarm went off. I’m gonna get up at noon tomorrow too, then at 11 AM on Sunday.

I still wish I could figure out Tom. Why the discussion of how many kids we want when I thought that that was already clear? He intentionally ruins my birthday by telling me he feels he doesn’t want to be a parent with me, then claims to be less emotional a few days later and wants a family with me, then goes and discusses how much of one when he already knows how I feel about that. How does this figure into his game? There’s got to be some catch or something up his sleeve as to why he wants to continue this game and not come out with the truth after so long. I still can’t see him cumming, I still can’t see my being pregnant or us able to have a child, so what’s up? What the hell’s up with him? He’s got me more curious than ever, in some ways.

I finally told him what the psychic told me and he doesn’t believe in those, so all the more I know he’ll want to prove her wrong for saying I’d be pregnant in December, but I still don’t get what in the hell is going on.

He leads me on about a kid for almost two years, then says he doesn’t want one with me, and now he says he still does but wants to discuss how many? Weird. Real damn weird.

Tonight, I’m determined to win over my competition (the TV) and at least get him to go down on me cuz I’m hornier than all hell what with my period being only about 6 days away.

Now I’ll go type up more of 102.

I just had an attack I had to get under control. I became very tight, and wheezy and was hacking my brains out, so I laid in bed and drank coffee, then Tom awoke and whacked my back. I’ve really got to put way more effort into smoking outside.

I may type my next journal with a deader ribbon. I used a new one for 100 and a lot of the pages bleed through.

Thank you, Tom. He suggested I take ibuprofen to reduce my obviously inflamed lower right wisdom tooth and that sure helped.

Then, earlier I dewaxed my good (right) ear. There was a lot of wax in there and Tom said that could be mistaken for tooth problems. I guess he was right cuz it’s virtually painless.

Later...

Tom’s watching TV now, no doubt putting off our “child talk” as long as he can to keep my nerves flying. He knows that waiting to have discussions on a personal matter makes me nervous.

We sold that guy that computer thing for $20.

Andy called and his car is fixed, but he’s not sure if he can make it tonight. He said he’d call me later.

Later...

We had our talk which I’m happy to say went well. OK, now I’ll discuss what we discussed which really wasn’t much at all. I was right on my first guess. He wants to keep the game going. He said he wanted to have a family with me and before discussing the hows of it, all he wanted to know was my feelings on the situation and how much of a family I wanted. I told him my feelings were still the same and that I wanted it, but felt that was just a fantasy and feared my past, the ADD, asthma and all the other things that go with having a kid. He said that lots of people have kids with ADD, asthma and bad pasts and they work around it and don’t let it stop them. I suppose this is true, but like a fool, I followed my heart and not my head and agreed to have one kid with him. I know he’s full of shit still, but I wonder just why he really did want to talk about the pros and cons of having one kid or more than one? Well, I’m 30 and it’s soon to be 1996, but I still say that until I see any white stuff, it’s all a joke. The only negative that I can see to having one kid, which may not be a factor, is it wishing for a sister or a brother. However, I see one as enough to afford, don’t need to put my body through more than one set of labor and delivery which would be a miracle if I survived just that, despite needing a C-section, and don’t need to deal with them fighting with each other.

He wants one too, but brought up some interesting points about having more than one. He feels that two kids end up costing less cuz you know you’re gonna buy things for the younger ones to eventually use and you tend to buy stuff of more quality that lasts longer, rather than cheaper stuff. He also says he thinks they can learn to interact with people in ways that they can’t with friends. Also, it’s easier to say no to two kids than one kid when it comes to certain things.

This conversation still strikes me as weird. He’s known I’ve always said I only wanted one kid and he agreed, so I wonder if he’s got some plan with my being 30 and with it being 1996 soon, but I sure as hell wouldn’t count on nothing without seeing you know what. He even did say he’s not making any promises, but that April of ‘97 is still on, even though he’s sure in his mind and opinion that we won’t need a Dr. Well, we’ll see. I think we both deserve a break in this situation, so maybe, just maybe, something new will happen.

He discussed with me the importance of our angles which helps us both. What I mean by this is that if our angle is off when he’s inside me, it doesn’t feel as good to him and then I get this uncomfortable pressure feeling. Now that we know I can do doggie style laying down where our bodies are lined up where our heads and feet are together, we’ll see. This is his easiest and favorite position. I may have to start off sideways for a while, then roll my body around to put the angle where it’s lined up, but maybe this will be the answer after all. I just hate to once again, after all this time, have anything to get my hopes up for nothing. I might have to get off first by him going down on me or by us being sideways, but he’s right when he said to just wait and experiment with it before assuming what I’ll have to do. Despite my doubts, I’m glad we had this talk and I do feel better. I love this man so much and all I want is for us to be happy. I really hope he’s being as honest as he’s always insisted he’s been and that things get better. I hope things will be happening in our favor, then who knows? It may motivate us in all kinds of areas.

I’m wide awake cuz I slept nearly 12 hours. A day to be grateful there’s no kid, otherwise I’d have had to have gotten up at 6 AM, rather than noon.

Tom will be home soon. He’s gone from weighing 225 to 196 and now I can really see a difference. It took that long cuz he’s so tall. With me, if I gain or lose two pounds you can see it.

Yesterday I told Tom of my decision and why and read him parts of this journal. I thought he’d be happy, but instead, he was against the whole thing, and it told him once more that I don’t even know him. I’m hungry now, so I will discuss it later.

Later...

Tom just got home and is now eating, so now I can write. Anyway, like I began to say on the last page, Tom said it wasn’t my decision to make alone. Well, what do you expect when he doesn’t cum, tells you you’d say mean things to the kid and when you know this is very true?

I’ve made my decision and I fully intend to stand by it for the many many reasons I’ve gone over in these books. I will take no chances and will certainly not play games with him for two more days, let alone two more years. All he can tease me with now is just sex itself, but I know how to take care of myself.

Last night, though, he went down on me and did a great job.

This “secret” of his back when he was sure I’d be a bad wife but was wrong really has me wondering what other secrets he has. It’s convinced me all the more that he always thought I’d be a bad mom, never wanted a kid regardless, and I couldn’t ever go back on my decision due to this.

He really does seem to do what I suspect. I remember that about a week ago I was discussing with him what made us more negative and positive. I said that if someone cuts me down with things I do or want to do I tend to say, what the hell? They’re probably right and I tend to draw away from whatever it was I wanted.

He used this against me and as an excuse to get out of it and for me to doubt wanting and having a kid. Well, he didn’t completely, but he helped. In other words, I realize on my own, no matter what he says, what a lousy Mom I’d be.

I did say how he’s gonna have a harder time keeping the game going and making excuses forever and he saw the perfect opportunity and escape in my saying that and in his saying I’d be a bad Mom, in his feelings and opinions.

When I mentioned his being more physical and sexual with me, he said, “We all show our love in different ways.”

Yeah, I figured. It’s just not in him to be physical with me or have sex steadily. He likes it in spurts. We have sex for 4-5 days, then we don’t for 4-5 days, and back and forth over and over.

Then he seems to be contradicting and reminds me that you never do know and that I don’t take the steps and chances to be proven wrong. If spreading my legs for his dick isn’t taking a chance to be proven wrong, then what is?

I’m gonna be sending Bob the Reunited Love story with Robin.

If Andy’s car is fixed tomorrow, he’s gonna come over to give me my presents which he says he wants to give to me in person.

Tomorrow some guy’s coming over to buy computer parts for $20. I hope. We hope.

I’m using 1 of my 2 new spiral journals for a story called Accidental Love. I don’t know if I’ll be using the other spiral journal for the next journal yet. We’ll see.

Tom’s working on one of the computers we’re selling, of course, showing no sexual desire for me whatsoever.

I’m gonna be surprising my in-laws with a letter and drawings, so now I shall go begin the drawings.

Later...

Oh, God! Tomorrow Tom said he’d like to talk about this “child thing.” The reason why I almost dread it is cuz I’m afraid it’s gonna get me all emotional, pissed off, upset and I’m gonna have to hear things I’m not exactly gonna want to hear. The truth hurts, but I have to continue facing the truth like I’ve been doing more than ever. Maybe he’s gonna come out and tell me he lied all along and confirm my suspicions that he just went along with me, said he wanted a kid cuz I said that and was too afraid to break my heart with the truth. Or maybe he’s not done playing his game and is gonna say he wants a kid and try convincing me not to give up and give him the so-called “opportunity” so he cannot cum and try fucking with my head again. Well, it won’t work this time around.

I’d love to, one, be able to get pregnant and have a healthy baby, and two, be a good mother, but both of these are strictly fantasy.

As much as it hurts, I refuse to live on fantasies anymore. I’ve got to get on with my life and put my time, energy and effort into things that are possible. Also, I refuse to set myself up to fall and put myself in a position where he can play with my head.

He says he wants to talk about our feelings, although he hasn’t yet made a decision. Yes, he has. He made it when we met and he stuck to it. I’ll be sticking to mine, too.

The day after my birthday, I was watching an episode of Little House when a guy was praying for strength to do the right thing, follow his head and turn his back from searching for gold. He did this as it was dictating his life and keeping him from stuff he should do and was able to do. It’s like that show was meant for me and I shall pray to God to help me turn further and further away from any thoughts of a child, accept never having one, do the right thing for the sake of the kid, our marriage and get on with my life. I know he’ll help me and be proud of me.

Later...

I just left Andy a few messages. I read him Bob’s letter as he wrote it, then read it with my changes.

Earlier I told Tom, “I know I can’t change you, but I sometimes wish your sexual appetite was as high as mine.”

He answered that we had to discuss the “child thing” first. Great answer and great excuse. Like his tongue could cause any accidents? And as if his dick that he refuses to let cum could? Why couldn’t he just tell me he didn’t want to or was too tired?

After I finish this book, yes, I will use the other spiral one (the fish cover) as the next journal. If this story goes over the 1st spiral one (the flowers) I’ll wait for another spiral one to put that part of it into there.

I’m at a point now where I don’t feel like doing anything, but am nowhere ready for sleep yet. Not with all I slept today.

The pigeons really make a mess with their shit on the patio and pool area, so I began feeding them at the end of the yard on the block wall bricks as I did in the beginning. This has been useless, though, cuz they come onto the pool area and the patio right up to the back door after they ate with hopes of my giving them seconds.

It shouldn’t, cuz there are so many more pros to not having a kid, but the thought of never having a kid tears me up. What choice do I have, though? Even if I could’ve been a good mother and if the DES and God would allow it, Tom never will, no matter what he says. There’s nothing I could ever say or do that’ll make him give me a child anyway. He’s just soooo against it. Not just cuz of me. He doesn’t want to deal with it and have to give up time he barely has for it. He’d also be jealous. If he doesn’t say he never wanted one tomorrow, or that he “suddenly” doesn’t, he’ll hope we both say we want one, so he can play, “Let’s tease her and not put my actions where my mouth is.”

Someone really hurt this man. If it isn’t any kind of animosity toward me, then he’s just plain old angry for some reason. Someone had to hurt him, set him up and really let him down bad for him to be doing this to me. It doesn’t take a genius to figure it out. I mean, if he wanted a kid that bad, why wait even a week on making a doctor’s appointment? He can’t be that embarrassed about seeing a doctor, so it’s gotta be cuz he’s full of shit, he knows it and knows he can cum.

It’s like, gee thanks. Did he really think I was that gullible, naïve and stupid enough to buy his bull? Obviously. Maybe he figured I would due to having barely any experience with guys.

Yesterday was one of the shittiest and hardest days of my life, but before I get into that, let me say that I got a nice birthday card from Evie and her family. She wrote that I made her day and that she loved the letter and the drawings and will be surprising me soon with a letter. Things are hectic there, she says. Yeah, I’d love to see a woman with a baby find the time to write letters.

I also spoke to Mom and Dad. Dad asked me how it felt to be 30 and I told him I didn’t feel any different. I asked him how it felt when he turned 30 and he said he couldn’t remember cuz it was so long ago. I said, “That’s right! I should’ve known better than to ask that.” He also said that having his youngest turn 30 makes him feel kind of old.

I also got 2 letters from Kim and she enclosed another 70 pages worth of letters she got from Bob. I don’t know if I want to copy all this! Bob also sent me a 2-page letter today and I figured what the hell? He never says anything new, so there’s no use in saving his letter. So, I put comments of my own in to send Kim and maybe I’ll copy it in. He said he had no idea what “the calls” were all about and he hasn’t gotten any more letters. So he did get the letters. I figured so.

I was hurt that Tom didn’t even make me a card on the computer, but like I said, he wanted to see to it that not only was this the worst birthday, but the worst day of my being here. Tom insists that he didn’t mean to ruin my birthday and that I’m entitled to my own opinion. Well, what better way to ruin someone’s birthday than to tell them, “I still want a kid, but I don’t think I want to be a parent with you cuz if you can say mean things to me, you can say mean things to the child.” And also, what better cover-up for the truth which is, “I don’t want a child,” than to say he doesn’t want one cuz of me? He reminded me of how I said I’d do anything for him.

Then he told me a story. He told me that until he married me he was as sure as I am that I can’t have a child and that I would be a bad wife. He said all the evidence was there saying I’d be a bad wife, cuz of my past, my lifestyle before, etc. He said he didn’t think I’d probably be a bad wife, but that he knew I’d be a bad wife. But he loved me enough, anyway. Then, after we married, I proved him wrong, he said. His point of telling me this was to remind me that you never do know, but he made himself as clear as can be for the first time as to where he stands about having a kid. Not as truthfully or as bluntly as I’d like, but it doesn’t matter anymore cuz what he said was close enough and also cuz I’ve made an agonizing decision, regardless of how right my suspicions are about his never wanting a kid.

At first I thought that maybe a kid would help us to watch what we say all the more and not fight as much cuz that seems to be what the bulk of our fights are all about. He disagreed. He’s probably right according to the statistics of what kids do to couples and there’s no sense in doing it and finding out if we’re wrong like he was wrong about my being a bad wife.

I started to think that everyone says bad things every now and then, but then it hit me harder than ever before that it goes deeper than that. So, I made a totally heartbreaking decision, but I know it will make Tom proud of me and certainly God and even my family if they knew.

Tom brought up a good point. He said never before today did he fear having a kid cuz of me and that sometimes one has to not do something they want cuz it’s for the best.

They say it’s best to follow your heart and not your head, but this time around I’m gonna follow my head. People can say it’s wrong and that I’m kissing Tom’s ass and giving up what I want to please him and call me a sucker and say that I’m jumping the gun, but I realized like never before just what a lousy mother I’d be. I’ve always known this, but now I know like never before. I must never have a child no matter how much it hurts. No matter how much I feel like it’s the end of the world and like Tom died or something. I must make sure that no matter how I feel, I do not selfishly give in to my desires and allow myself to get pregnant. I said yesterday I wouldn’t get an abortion if I found out I was pregnant, even though I’ve given up all hopes of it, but yes I would. I’d have to. I’d have to save the poor child from being born only to be the victim of my abuse. Tom must make sure he never cums unless we use some type of birth control. I could never handle being a mom. I could never learn or handle things as far as caring for them or going with no sleep and no life. My body could never take it, either.

I finally prayed to God and said I was sorry for asking him for a child and that I knew it was wrong and selfish. I knew that it was wrong to ask Tom and that that was selfish and that while his voice may say yes, his actions would just say no. I know I can’t make Tom do anything that may make him feel uncomfortable when he has doubts and fears just like I do. I said I knew he’d be proud of me if I did the right thing and that I was ready to do so. All I asked him for was to please give me the strength to get over it and not feel so depressed about never having a child. I know I’ll feel rather devastated for a while, cuz these things take time. However, I’m sure I’ll get over it with time and that time will be my best friend. I just hope Tom lets me get it out and mourn not having a kid as much as I need to so I can get it out of my system so I can move on. I also said I was sorry for saying that he only gives bad people kids cuz I’m a perfect example of one who’d be a bad Mom that can’t have a kid.

I meant it when I said I’d do anything for Tom after all he’s done for me. I’d even rob a bank for him, but I owe him my not asking for a child. His desires and needs and the needs of the child I’d abuse if we had one are much more important than any desires or needs I could have. Also, I said that with all the bad things I’ve done in my life, I don’t deserve or have any rights whatsoever to have a child. This is a case where it’s OK to assume and prejudge what kind of a mother I’d be.

As I knew it would be, this birthday sucks so far. Tom’s getting me back for ruining his birthday last June. To go over it again, well, last June I was still having a hard time accepting the fact that I could never have a kid and was really upset about that as well as his not cumming. Back then was when the truth was just starting to hit me so it was a very depressing time for me. I wasn’t able to accept and say to myself back then, “OK, he did a raunchy thing by lying to me. He knew damn good and well he never intended to cum and he sure as hell doesn’t want a kid. I will never forgive him and I shouldn’t have to, but I love him to death nonetheless, no one’s perfect, we all say we’re gonna do things we don’t mean to do and there’s still so much good in him. Like 95% of him. So, just accept it and know that a kid was never fated to be anyway and that it’s not for you.”

He’s the kind of guy, like me, who gives what he gets.

Now while he does have a problem with being asked certain requests, he’s gotten better, so I wasn’t surprised when he used my asking him to please make sure he puts my coffee can covers on tightly as an excuse to make my day rather lousy. He then said OK, pretty solemnly, then walked away. I asked where he was going, and he said he was just staying out of my way. Then I said, “Oh, yeah, I get it. Payback’s due cuz of what happened on your birthday.” Then I said we could fight about it and he said he didn’t want to ever fight with me. Yeah, sure. I’m sure he got a kick out of it much as all this teasing with sex/kid.

I said nothing was going on (he asked me, probably hoping I’d bring up the issue of a kid), but that I could make something up if it’d make him happy. He just muttered goodbye and left.

Someone’s next door right now with a big truck and I saw someone cleaning the front door. I wouldn’t be too shocked if someone moved in today since both Tom and God are gonna see to it that I don’t have too good of a day as payback for my spoiling Tom’s birthday. The only difference is that I didn’t mean to ruin Tom’s birthday last June. He intends to ruin mine. I can almost bet he’s at work now thinking of how I’m still not pregnant and laughing his ass off about it.

How can I feel so loved and blessed by this man, yet so manipulated and played with? For the last week, he played with me on the issue of sex like crazy. Now we had fun over his days off, laughing and joking and this and that, but in between, I had to deal with his fucking games.

Saturday, he went down on me, then I went to take care of him and he said he didn’t feel like screwing. We hadn’t screwed for days before this. Now you tell me…what kind of red-blooded man can do that? Before going down on me he was in the bathroom for a while claiming to have to take a dump. I think that was when he relieved himself. If I relieved myself 5 minutes prior to doing whatever that took me only 10 minutes to do, I wouldn’t be in the mood to fuck around either.

It’s like he’s even teasing me during sex. He used to almost always lick my pussy perfectly, but now he’s constantly going too high, too low, too light, or too hard.

I just wish I knew what I did to make him feel the need to do this to me. All I ever did was ask to have a child and help with the singing. His voice said yes, but his actions said no. I may no longer want to be a singer and a part of me may want the kidless, but must I deal with this year after year? It’s like, OK I get the message. We won’t have a kid and I won’t sing, but do you have to keep playing games with me?

I also hope he knows I won’t be going to any doctor in April of ‘97, but as if he’ll be crying over the loss of that anyway. Right! That’d make his day and if someone didn’t know any better, they’d think he won the lottery.

He’s still crying “no opportunity” and that he needs time. Well, it’s been two years, so how many more does he need? I’m not playing this game year after year. He’s made sure he’s been taken care of by not letting us have a kid and now it’s time for me to take care of myself and I will ask Dr. Rausch about that injection the next time I see him. If I don’t, this will go on year after year and he’ll insist the injection will “ruin his life” year after year. There’s no way in hell I’ll allow myself to put up with that. I respect myself. And if someone wants to call that selfish, let them.

The only positive thing there is to say about sex is that I finally got into doggie style, but not the usual way. After he went inside me when I was on my back, I rolled over on my side with him still in there and he laid behind me also on his side like usual.

Since I’ve brought it up, he keeps going more often after I cum just to please me and also as a cover for the truth about him. Right as he’s about to cum he stops, tensing his muscles to stop himself and I know this can be done cuz even I could do that to myself.

I just don’t see how he can live like that. That’d drive me crazy.

Just the other day he said he still felt our dreams were still inevitable. This isn’t what he told me a few weeks ago. A few weeks ago, he told me he used to feel that way, but is no longer sure of it.

Yesterday he said we could screw at the end of the day when he knew he’d be too tired and it’d be much easier for him to hold back and all I did was say that I thought he liked it better in the morning. Then he said that cuz I was acting like it was a big deal (which I wasn’t) he thought it’d be best if we didn’t screw.

Finally, I screamed at him demanding that he either screw me or he doesn’t and he keeps his mouth shut. I’m getting so sick of his shit that for an instant I felt like grabbing him and beating the shit out of him. This is a man I know I could severely hurt, so I just ran out of the room.

I finally figured out another thing about God and again I wonder what took me so long.

Remember how I said I wondered why God had to help Tom to be the way he is (yes I do believe that God does have some control in the way we are) when all God has to do is make sure I’m sterile? Well, I realized that these are two separate issues and that all my life there’s always something going on with me that’s weird, unusual or abnormal. It’s part of my plan. If it weren’t for his not cumming, it’d be something else. God felt he had to do this cuz I resolved some of the ordinary issues in my life. Except for the sleeping schedule problem, that is. God’s always gotta do something. That means that if Tom came, he’d go do something else.

Or maybe God really does hate gays and cuz I’ve slept with women, I get paid back by a guy who won’t get off and by my never having a child.

I want so badly to tease Tom back with issues of sex, but I can’t cuz it’s no tease to him. I really believe this guy is not one bit attracted to me sexually and that while he only does stuff with me when it’s convenient to him, sex is all for me and he wants no part of it. Oh, I know he loves me, but there’s no sexual desire for him in me. It’s all for show when he grabs my ass or something which isn’t that often compared to the average guy.

While I’ve gotten way, way used to his low sexual drive, if he were like Brenda or Kacey for a month, I’d be more than happy for him to always go back to his usual ways.

Anyway, it was an hour or so after I screamed about his teasing me and enjoying it that he did me, but only to please me.

He brought up his hoping I wouldn’t stay angry at him and I think he meant about the kid. Well, like I said, I’ve gotten used to the facts and accept them as they are, but whether or not I want a kid is beside the point. The point is that he told me a great big lie and that’s nothing people ever forget. I’m not as angry, I do forgive him, but I will never forget.

He did admit to being wrong about giving me timetables, saying that I pressured him for them which is true. Every month to every week he says he’s gonna cum. He said he’s not gonna say we’re gonna have a kid in 3 years or tomorrow. That’s nice, but what he really needs to do is say the truth. That we never will.

When someone does something bad to you in a big way, an apology always helps, even though it can’t undo what’s been done. I still want the day to come when he spills the truth out.

You see, time really is my best friend and without an apology, I’m still gonna get over it and accept it, even though I’ll always remember it cuz that’s all one can do and that’s normal, but an apology might help finalize it.

Later...

Andy called and we talked for a while. He said he’ll be over with my birthday present on Wednesday or Thursday. He said he wanted to come today but his car’s being worked on. Part of God’s doing? Yup.

Anyway, while we were talking I was gonna call the Springfield weather line, but then I said, “Let’s be Jewish and call the free 800 number to the Sheridan hotel.” The woman that answered said it was cold and to bring all kinds of stuff to keep warm if I were to visit. Stuff like warm coats, mittens, scarves, etc. Andy and I were cracking up.

My right wisdom teeth are bugging me. Just what I need. They’ve been giving me discomfort for 3 days now and I hope to hell they don’t get infected. I know they’re gonna have to be yanked. I just hope we have the money to deal with it before it turns into any big deal if it does.

After I spoke to Andy, Tammy called. She’s been pretty busy. She asked me what Mom and Dad sent and I told her. She also said she forgot to mail my birthday card, but I really wonder if she’s got one. She isn’t into sending cards.

As I said, I spoke to Larry last night who was beat. I talked to Sandy much longer and it was really cool to talk to her. That was my first real grown-up conversation with her since I was still practically a kid back when we last saw each other.

I was rubbing in the cold and snow she has to deal with and she was cracking up over how I asked that bitch Stacey at the Vista Ventana if I could store a bike if I got one in the cellar. She was laughing at how Tom and most people out here pronounce the r in the word quarter. When I told her Tom pronounces it, she said, “Oh, brother!” Tom was laughing at that.

I talked to Jenny really quickly before she got on the phone and she and Sandy both told me Jenny was going to send me a letter with some drawings. Sandy said she loved my drawings and that Jenny liked the one with the plant on a hanger. That’s nice, cuz I thought that one came out shitty. Sandy said Jenny’s drawings weren’t too good, but that’s OK. I’d just love to get a letter from her with whatever she can draw if she’s for real. You know me, though. I don’t get my hopes up till I see it.

Tom showed me some new computer games yesterday, then we scanned my drawings. However, they look like shit cuz the scanner is an old shitty one and the lighting was bad. We used the camcorder and that colorized them, but they still print out shitty, so we’re gonna have to rescan them.

I finally got him to look at the music room window. He fixed it so I can open and close it but he said that cuz it was bent he didn’t want to mess with it too much in case it broke. Right now we sure as hell don’t have the extra money to buy glass for a windowpane.

More and more I find myself hoping to be a computer journalist and not writing by hand. These hands can keep up with my thoughts on a keyboard much faster than they can holding a pen.

Larry just called. He said he wanted to call me cuz he'd be busy tomorrow and also cuz he didn't think he'd be able to get through with Tammy yacking away.

Tom’s at work till noon. Meanwhile, I’m working on my story and I’ve printed out 64 pages of it.

I drew some really good pictures of a few different cactuses as well as a mule deer.

Now it’s time to type letters, so they can go out Monday.

Later...

Right now Tom’s clearing out space in the garage so we can set up for the tag sale.

He has shown practically no interest in me sexually. I’m surprised I’m not bothered by it. Maybe it’s cuz I’m sick of the same old shit. Unless someone’s going down on me to get off, sex is so fun with someone like him who never gets off. If he were constantly all over me or if he got off every other time, that’d be different. He’s just gotten to be old and boring news when it comes to sex. He’ll always be the same. We do whatever every day for about 4 days, then he won’t touch me. It’s always the same old shitty boring cycle that goes on while he insists he wants to “progress” sexually. He’ll always cry no opportunity and tells me what will help him cum. I can’t help him. There’s nothing at all I can do for him. He needs to help himself and come out of denial and let us use some form of birth control. Then hopefully his games, teasing and lies will stop. Then I won’t feel as abnormal and uncomfortable about sex being just for me and not mutual, should he remain as he is.

He told me he wouldn’t feel comfortable about jerking off in front of me cuz he wouldn’t get off by it. Well, of course not. That’d be too much of a dead giveaway and he doesn’t want to rub it in or tease me that much. He wants to keep me wondering, suspecting, and thinking about it. So, if he were to cum, it’d be awfully obvious and spoil the game. Then there’d be nothing to tease about.

Otherwise, we’re getting along much better. I’m having fewer depression/anger spells over never having a kid and we’re fighting much less. I think, though, it’s cuz I’m so used to his ways now and know he’s set in them, won’t budge and I’m moving into the next phase which is acceptance. Even the thought of seeing a Dr. in ‘97 has got me wondering if I’ll get cold feet when the time comes.

Yesterday I got two canvases, brush cleaner, a brush-cleaning tub, and two new spiral journals.

We checked out a paper store, but all they had were kits to glue books and plastic spirals. I want metal ones cuz they’re sturdier. The damn paper puncher costs $300.

A part of me wishes I got a puzzle instead and a doggie mug instead of the stuff for painting. I took a shot at painting today and I did a nice sky, mountain, grass, and an evergreen tree, but I fucked up my other tree and the area around that. I don’t know if I can salvage that area, but I can’t try to fix it till it’s dry. If I try painting over a blue area with green, for example, the two colors will only blend together.

I took a tiny canvas and painted it pinkish-red. When this dries, I’ll paint white lily flowers on it with green leaves around it. Then I’ll outline it for contrast with brown using a liner. Also using a liner, I’ll put brown veins in the leaves. I’d really love to paint different cactuses which I’ve got pictures of, but there are so many tiny lines going in several different directions, that it seems like it may be impossible to do both with the liner as well as with the knife.

I have another idea for the big canvas. To make 6 squares, 3 on the right and 3 on the left. Paint each square a different color, then do a different flower design in each square after the background colors dry.

Well, someone’s either restless or jerking off. I heard the bed slam against the wall a few times.

Got some great news today in the mail. They finally read my pap smear and it’s clear! No cancer!

I saw another commercial on TV for a different 70s CD, but even though I used a different name, they’re not stupid. Chances are close to zero of it arriving.

I got my parents' package today. There was a too-big and not-too-impressive sweatshirt, but a perfect-fitting and impressive skirt. The skirt is of denim with chiffon at the end in shades of brown with a matching chiffon belt. I got an address book and hair clips. I got seashells and flowers in shades of pink that hang on the wall and a fancy face mask too. The mask was egg white and the eyes are lined in green glitter. The lips are of red glitter. One eye forms into the shape of a swan. Not the eye itself, but the green glitter. Then, across the face are shades of yellow and brown glitter. The face has pearls around it and around that is white and gold lace. At one side of the face is a red satin flowery bow with a yellow ribbon. Then there are two small feathers. One in pink and one in purple.

Andy called Stevie’s house earlier. I spoke to a woman whose voice he said he didn’t recognize. I said I was "Lisa" and wanted advice on an album I’m making. She told me to call back tomorrow saying she had out-of-state company.

Later...

Yup. So far Tom’s at his game of you know what and I’m almost certain he won’t want to screw today. How do I feel about it? Well, I’ve actually got my mind more on the shopping we’re gonna be doing in 1½ hours from now.

I was right, though. He had to have read Journal 100. Otherwise, there’d have been no way he’d have touched me last month when he was supposed to “think” I was mid-cycle. He knows I really am mid-cycle today.

I also figured out why he’s so obsessed with putting stuff back in different positions. I wonder what took me so long to figure it out, too. I already figured out why he wants me to either wait for him to do certain things or to see that he’ll never do them. That’s to get me used to not getting things.

Like I’m not already?

The reason, or the message, I should say, that’s behind his moving shit around is that you can’t always have things your way. In other words, you can’t have a kid.

Again - as if I didn’t already know!

I’m surprised this trip means a lot to him in May cuz it’s an excuse to not do things, but I’m also surprised, too. Usually, people don’t really care so much about people’s families, but he is really psyched up about meeting them. He gives off a sense about it, rather than saying so. The only thing about it is that I can see in him something very familiar. He’s gonna kiss their asses. No matter how mean or nice they were to me. What is it with people siding with and reacting this way around my family? And how did my family come to obtain such power and persuasion over those I know?

No mail from Bob, so he’s probably busy fantasizing about Kim. How can anyone lust for her as he does? She’s got the same lousy shape I do; only it’s a bigger and more exaggerated version of it. Also, her face is so plain; almost ugly, and her hair’s gross. Nothing but short, kinky and frizzy.

Later...

Got two new spiral journals today which will probably be used for my story. We looked in a paper supply store for stuff to make journals, but we didn’t find what we wanted. I also got two canvases and my brush cleaner. It’s something different than Turpenoid, though, and it stinks.

I didn’t mention yet how Tom teased me twice today with both the issues of sex and a kid. I figured he would, though. He’s so predictable. I just went along with it, though, which is all I can really do. When we returned from shopping he said there’d be no time for sex today, even though he expected it. Right! If he wanted to, there was plenty of time this morning, and when he gets home if I’m still awake yet he cries no opportunity. Who does he think he’s kidding?

In the car, I said I was sorry if my being hyper was obnoxious. Then he goes on about demonstrating good behavior for this kid we’ll never have.

He says he’s committed to being neat if I quit smoking for this fictitious baby and I’m so sick of his lies, sick of his games, sick of his teasing and I just wish he’d leave me the fuck alone about the kid. If he’s gonna be too scared to plant the seed, then I want nothing to do with the subject. I’m at the point now where I may write about it, but couldn’t care less to discuss it with him. It’s pointless.

I’m trying to stay up as long as I can so I can go out tomorrow.

Got a check for $30 from my in-laws. I called Mom and Dad S to thank them for my birthday money. I told them I’d probably get Turpenoid, canvases, and journals.

I called my parents too, and as I kind of figured, the package they just sent isn’t my birthday present. The birthday present package will probably come today and I know there are clothes in it cuz Ma asked, “Does it fit?” thinking I got that.

I wasn’t horny today so it was fine with me that Tom was more into his TV this morning. Who knows if I’ll be horny tomorrow, but Tom knows I’m mid-cycle tomorrow. He hinted at sex, but in his mind, he may be thinking of getting the idea into my head, then backing out as part of his game.

I don’t know if I remembered to say so, but next door did repaint their house that same ugly brown. They did it last Sat. & Sun.

I spoke to Tammy earlier too, who had no real news to update me on, good or bad.

This shit with Bill has been a good way to save money on people’s birthdays or Chanukah and use the fact that there’s so much going on to get out of it. It’s true, though, that they are always on the go and need every penny they get.

I’m on page 47 of my story. If condensed to this size paper, it should already fill up one journal, unless I changed the size of the print.

Damn! I’m already tired.

I’m listening to an old convo tape now of Bob and I gabbing. Now Andy and I are bullshitting the crisis center in Northampton.

Tom carved an elephant drawing of mine into wood and it really looks great. He mentioned a couple of ideas, too. One of them was to get an unfinished wooden jewelry box and carve my drawings into that. The other was to get unfinished cabinets in our next house and carve them into there. Cool. That’s the first time I ever heard him mention a new house.

Earlier he said he still feels our goals are inevitable, but this isn’t what he said a while back.

Just finished chatting with Andy, Quinn, and Jenny.

If Tom weren’t afraid to cum, I’d wonder about the psychic a little more. I’m mid-cycle this Thursday and ironically he’s off then and will be working Saturday. At the end of the month, there’s no work, so they make it up on a Saturday after the 1st of the next month.

I did a lot of work on my story earlier and still have much more to do with it. Still, I’ve got almost 40 full-size pages done.

Alex loves to snoop and investigate and I told him about Robin. Not the “haunting” details, though, and he says he’ll see what he can do. He mentioned talking to a couple of people.

Tom gave me a logical explanation for the deal that went down with the TV last night. He said that’s happened to him before. He says the voltage to the screen and the voltage to the sound is different and that there’s a bad component with the screen cuz it’s an old piece of shit.

In the shower earlier, I remembered I did have a dream premonition within the last year. It was a minor thing, but now I can’t remember what it was about.

The birds are now coming right up to the back door.

Later...

I got my parent’s package today and I must admit I was shocked and disappointed. Every so often she goes through her place and sends me stuff she doesn’t want. She sent me a couple of liquid foundations which were too dark and I don’t use. I only use powder foundation. She sent powder which I never use. She sent a disgusting-tasting toothpaste and Suave conditioner I never use. She sent lotion that’s kind of greasy and hair gel. The hair gel is OK. It’s good for poofing out my bangs and I can’t use hairspray cuz it makes me sneeze. They sent 4 flags. Two of them were nice, and of party balloons and of a floral print. Two were ugly. A pineapple and a mug of beer with a message saying: This Bar Is Open.

I’m gonna give those two flags to Mom S to use as she pleases or to give away. She sent two catalogs too, which I’ll give her and she can show David & Evie.

There’s a new musical flag they have that I really like.

Got a postcard from Kim from Niagara Falls. The Canadian stamp was 52¢. Damn!