Now that sorrow and depression have turned to sheer, utter rage. I could probably beat the shit out of just about anybody right now. No matter how big they were, I could toss them around like they were a rag doll. And I mean with my bare hands, too. I want to take someone like O. J. Simpson, who doesn’t deserve to live, and with my bare hands, I want to slowly torture him till I finish him off.

I wish God would appear to me in human form, so he could tell me why he did this, among all the other BS he does, and let me have him face to face, but the murdering wimp could and would never do such a thing.

We all know that, unlike the rest of my body, my hands are very weak. They’ve got the strength of an 8-year-old. Yet when I squeezed Tom’s hand to show him how furious I was, I hurt his hand. For this, I feel so very very bad. I did this to a great guy who deserves to live more than most of the human population. He said it’s OK, he understands but I feel terribly guilty and mad at myself. I had no idea I could or would do this and harm him in any way.

I’m so mad right now that when I heard a car door outside, I was hoping it was next door and that they’d blast their music and give me the slightest reason and excuse to pounce on them like a bobcat. Well, there was no music, and what with these houses being so close, it may not have been them. It could’ve been across the street. There still is no car over there and as far as I know, there hasn’t been for just over a week.

I wish everyone who’d ever done me wrong was here right now. My uncles, people like Donna A, Barb D, and Barb I. There’s more, too, and I can think of at least 20 people. Boy, would I have a field day with them, and boy, would they be shocked beyond belief. I’d slam their heads into the wall, kick them, punch them, throw them.

Tom said I’m running away from this whole mess. I am? Since when is admitting how you feel and discussing it running away from it? Then he said that this isn’t the way to feel. It’s not? Last I knew, there was no wrong emotion. Some sicko with a fancy for children, well, that’s wrong. Some God or devil killing a 16-year-old with a bright future and who could’ve done or had anything is wrong.

Well, even though Tom and I don’t see eye to eye about Larry dying, he’s been a wonderful support and for that, I am ever so grateful. He knows I need to get it out and deal with it my way. Not what others think may be the best way. I need to go on with my life. On with my hobbies and yes, on with sex. No one’s stupid here. We all know I’d take a child, despite the happiness, surprise, fears, and doubts it’d bring, but I know not to expect that.

I also told my dad that if he needed anyone to bitch to about this ordeal, to please call me.

There’s something else that burns me up about this. If we had had a child who was killed, my parents never would’ve come out here. Not by ground, not by air. To us, if we were even communicating, they’d just say that these things happen. To themselves, they’d say it’s all for the better, both for the kid’s sake and for mine.

I’m also very sad that I still don’t have any pictures of either Larry, Sandy or Jen. Even sadder that I never got to see him. My folks have seen him a few times, Tammy’s seen him once, but I haven’t seen him since he was about 7 years old.

As far as when to call and talk to Larry and the others, Tammy suggested I try calling their house in Feeding Hills tomorrow. Maybe they’ll be back sometime tomorrow. I was worried that they’d think I didn’t care, but Tammy and others gave Larry and the rest my condolences and they know my heart goes out to them.

Later...

Naturally, I’ve let Andy know about this miserable situation. I’ve also left Marla messages.

And I thought 1997 was to be great? Who the fuck was I kidding?! It was nothing but pure old-fashioned wishful thinking. This year will be either worse or no better than any other year. Especially the last few.

What the fuck is going on out there right now? It sounds like a horde of people are slamming car doors right now.

Anyway, where was my fucking 6th sense when I needed it? Why didn’t I have any vibes? I was totally caught off guard, without warning. When Tammy called, I knew something was wrong. It was in her voice. I thought it was gonna have to do with Bill, though. Something within her household only. In the quietude of the wee hours of the 16th, there was no omen. No sense. No feeling. The air did not smell of despair. There was no feeling of any doom.

I’ve been smoking so much. Smoke permeates this whole house, but I couldn’t care less. I just keep puffing away. I feel I don’t care whether I live or die.

Speaking of death, I wonder who will be next? Is God gonna rotate back and forth between Tom’s family and mine? Is he gonna kill us off one by one? Why did this have to happen? Why did he have to die? Why is God so full of murderous hate? Only those who are also murderous and hateful, who live like God, with no guilt, remorse, conscience, fear or limits, get respected by God. They get long, healthy lives. They can have anything they want.

Why?!?!

I have some very tragic news. First, though, I’ll go in order of events so I don’t get sidetracked and sound confusing.

Once again, no one’s been next door. Not him, anyway, but there are lights on over there at night. He was only there last Friday. It’s now Friday again; beware of the freeloaders. However, his constant absence has really taken the edge off of me. Especially when I go to bed.

I haven’t heard that little mutt across the way, either, but due to my schedule, it’s too soon to tell whether or not they gave a shit and did something about it.

Andy was over last night from about 10 PM to 3 AM. I did a couple of loads of laundry for him. First, he sat and chatted with Tom and me. He brought some candy and a necklace for me that he didn’t want.

After Tom left for work, he went on AOL to research Stevie. Watching him, with no real computer experience, was quite amusing. He had to hold the mouse with his right hand and use his left hand to click the left button. He was so shaky. At one point he asked me where the R on the keyboard was. I never noticed it was chipped and looked like a P before. I never look when I type. Overall, he did pretty well. He didn’t need me to bail him out of jams he’d get into too much. He was quite fascinated by the computer and how I could see when Marla came online, so I could zap her an instant message. At one point, while I was typing to her, he goes, “Oh my God! Look how fast you can type. You’re like a bionic typist.” 

I told him that if he did straightforward typing for years and typed up over 100 journals, he’d be typing really fast, too.

Marla mentioned something about a virus on her work computer, and of course, I know nothing of those such things, so I told her that Tom would be off Friday and Saturday night and to call him then.

After Andy was done with the computer, we sat at the kitchen table with coffee and talked.

The next day, Tom and I went to the library in the evening. I returned the Laura books. I just couldn’t get into them. I got 3 more Dean Koontz books.

Now for my shitty

Later...

I was interrupted last night when Tammy called to give me the final news of this horrible tragedy that’s just happened. I’ll just get right to the point. Then I’ll take it from there.

During the early morning hours of the 16th, God killed my nephew Larry. He and Big Larry were driving on I-91 in Longmeadow, when Big Larry, who had been sick for a couple of months with the same lung problems I had back there went into a coughing fit, blacked out, and lost control of the truck, which rolled off the side of the road.

Big Larry was thrown from the truck and only received minor head injuries. He had to have some stitches but is OK. Little Larry was crushed in the cabin of the truck, I believe, and received massive internal injuries, as well as to the head. His pelvis was crushed. They tried to operate, and they removed his spleen. However, if he had lived, he’d have been a vegetable. He lost consciousness right away and never regained consciousness. He died less than 24 hours after the accident.

Big Larry was discharged from the hospital and last I knew he was at his in-law’s place in East Longmeadow with Sandy and Jennifer.

My sister, who has been my main informant through all of this, was also at the hospital and in East Longmeadow.

Yesterday, my mother’s friend Teresa drove Mom up to E. Longmeadow and they just arrived a few hours ago. Dad will be flying in on Monday.

The funeral will be held on Monday, and Dad will just miss it, cuz that’s the quickest he can get tickets and an open flight. This long holiday weekend has the flights really booked up. Teresa’s husband will be staying at their place with the dogs and he’s got someone to tend to the store. They’ll be having a Christian burial and Dad gave me the address of the funeral home, so we can send flowers there. I guess he’ll be buried in E. Longmeadow.

Anyway, if I’ve got this straight (and none of us may ever know for sure), big Larry never lost consciousness when the accident occurred. He had to have remained somewhat with it, cuz he called Florida to tell Mom and Dad what had happened. Then he was admitted.

Later...

Tammy just called. At this point, mom’s staying at Boo and Max’s house in Longmeadow, even though they’re in Florida. Tammy will be at her own house in CT, but for the next several days she’ll be driving into MA. From what I gather, Larry, Sandy and Jenny are still in E. Longmeadow.

Under the circumstances, she and Sandy embraced and got along fine. This is the first time they’ve seen each other in about 10 years. Maybe more. It seems like it always takes someone’s dying to unite family members.

Jenny’s been hysterical, afraid of losing others, which is perfectly understandable.

Larry’s been inconsolable, according to Tammy, which is also very understandable. He keeps blaming himself, saying, “I murdered my son.” We all know that this isn’t true, though, and that if there was anything Larry could’ve done to avoid this tragedy, he would’ve in a heartbeat.

I guess I was wrong when I said little Larry never knew what hit them. I guess that right after the accident, when he knew they were in serious trouble, he had said, “I love you, Daddy.” Then he went into a coma. This happened at 3 AM on the 16th, then he died at 2 AM on the 17th. Why he was out at that hour on a school night, beats me, but from what I hear, that was a common thing.

This is pretty much all I know at this time. Tom and I will be sending flowers to the funeral home on Monday.

Tom’s mom made the most generous and sweetest offer, which was to give us the money to fly there. Tom couldn’t, though, cuz people are using the next couple of weeks for vacation and he couldn’t get the time off from work. Only if it had been parents, grandparents, siblings or his children.

I asked both Dad and Tammy if they felt I was needed and if it was proper for me to fly in, but they said no. There’s nothing I can do. There’s nothing anyone can do. All we can do is hope that in time, whether or not Larry stops blaming himself, and I hope he does, Larry will be able to move on. I believe he will be able to and I have faith in his strength too. Sandy and Jenny need him and he needs them.

I don’t know what will become of the trucking co. I don’t know if Larry will ever want to see a truck again, drive a truck again, or if he’ll continue on with the business, knowing that that’s what Larry would have wanted.

I sure had mixed emotions about flying there. I want nothing more right now than to see my family and put my arms around my big brother and his family, but once again, there’s nothing I or anyone can do. You also know how I feel about the idea of going back to New England. All those bad memories. That whole stinking place with many more curses than I could ever endure out here, just waiting to chew me up and spit me out. That climate, so cold or humid.

This whole ordeal sure has brought a slew of emotions going through my mind. The grief over losing Larry. The grief for what the hell that family must be feeling and going through. My rage towards God and his shitty, mean, cruel and unfair ways. My anger and hatred for God and his ways with this world in general, have only increased, while my anger and hatred for how he’s dealt with me have decreased. As sad, as crazy, as infuriating, and as unfair as this ordeal is, it has made my sterility easier to accept than ever before. Knowing that we’ll never have to go through this kind of grief, can only make the way I am and fate easier to deal with. For if God had allowed me to become pregnant, he’d only have killed it for sure, sometime between when I was carrying it and when it was still just a child. This is all on top of how I don’t deserve it and couldn’t handle it and would’ve been a terrible mother, whose marriage would’ve been ruined or terribly strained.

How dare God kill my nephew, though! That kid was Larry’s whole life. Why did God have to kill this young boy who had the sky as his limit and potential? He could’ve had anything he wanted, been anything he wanted. Meanwhile, he’s left me alive and brought me back from the brink of death a few times. Me. Me, who has no life and no future. Me, who’s lived her life, reached her peak, can’t go no further. Me, who has no destiny or purpose. It’s just so sick. It’s just so unfair. He was only 16.

I suppose everyone else must be feeling how I’ve been feeling. That this is just a nightmare they’re gonna all wake up from. This is one of those things you hear about happening to other people’s families. Not ours. From 3000 miles away, I can feel their tears. Feel their grief and their loss and their shock. I can hear their cries.

I know I haven’t written much. Here’s a brief rundown of things that have been going on. I’ll expand on them some other time.

We went to the library where I got some books on the life of Laura Ingalls and a Dean Koontz book.

I also checked AOL for web pages on Charlie’s Angels and more.

Andy will be over tonight at 10:00 to do his laundry and to research AOL for Stevie stuff.

Anyway, I’m now on the Slim-Fast diet plan. A shake for breakfast, a shake for lunch, and a reasonable dinner. I can have up to 3 reasonable snacks too, but I’m gonna try to avoid those.

Thinking I was having more of a period and more water coming off of me, turned out to be wishful thinking. Yes, I had somewhat more of a period than I did last month, but this water retention is just absolutely ridiculous. Not to mention the fact that my metabolism has seemed to have retired. For a couple of days, I weighed more after most of my period had gone through than I did prior to ragging. I’m still left with a huge water belly and even my tits never lost all their soreness like they usually do. So, if I have no luck with this plan I’m on, then yes, it’s time to see a doctor to see if there’s a reason for all this and if there’s anything I can do. I have a feeling, though, that this is one of the classic examples of something I have no control over. I think this is just another one of those things that God controls and not me, where he does what he sees fit with my body, and to hell with what I think, feel, or want.

I’m still trying to change my way of thinking and believing and trying to look for signs that say God’s just looking out for me, not trying to punish/hurt me. For example, back when I used to think the responsibility of a child would be good for me and seemed like something I should have/do, I never looked at it differently. Now, I see that that’s not the case. I may be an undeserving person still but take Evie, for example, who’s gonna have her baby any time now. Now that’s someone who deserves a baby and who can handle it and who really can benefit from the responsibility a child brings. She doesn’t have bad lungs, she can keep a schedule and she can work consistently. I see now, that a child wouldn’t have helped stabilize me, it would’ve killed me for sure. For I do not only not deserve it; I could never handle it and I believe more so now than ever that yes, God’s just protecting me and our marriage. He wasn’t denying me something good; he was denying me something dangerous. I can’t and won’t speak for others, but for me, he’ll do whatever he can to make sure I don’t get dished out something I can’t deal with. Even if I do have to deal with something for a while that nearly kills me and drives me out of my mind as the NHA did.

I still do fear God and am angry with him over how he deals with the world in general, but I’m not as angry with him for the way he’s dealt with me. I just hope that this “I don’t care” attitude, which I’ve been slowly evolving into, continues. It’s what I wanted for a long time and it’s easier this way. The more I couldn’t care less about what happens or doesn’t happen to me or my life, the less I feel angry or hurt when something does or doesn’t happen. I just want to be as dreamless and as goalless and as carefree as possible. To hell with ever going to a doctor, no matter how I feel. That would be going against God in a big way and asking for trouble. That’s also something that’s wrong and that I don’t deserve, as well as a hopeless thing to do.

At least I can trust God to continue to take care of me. If I’m not as sterile as I believe I am, he’ll make sure we never hit it right. Then my life can go on being easier and safer if you catch my drift. Meanwhile, there’s no point in trying to change Tom of his beliefs or to try to convince him of anything. His beliefs are of no apparent harm to us. Also, as time goes on, and he sees we’re still childless year after year, I can’t see how that would hurt or anger him in any way. He’s never been the sore loser that I had been and that I’m trying to never be again. If he can’t get something he wants, he deals with it and accepts it with such amazing strength and moves on without a problem.

I called Larry’s house and he wasn’t there. This is why I began trying to reach him a few days ago. I called him at work. The other Larry answered, saying he was in a meeting. He said Tammy called too, 10 minutes ago. I told him not to worry, since we already spoke and since I know he got my card.

Like I started to say earlier, I checked out AOL for Charlie’s Angels info. I printed out a few pictures and put them into Journal 125. In case I didn’t mention this before - Charlie’s Angels was a huge hit series in the 70s. It ran from 1976-1981. I didn’t care for the angels that replaced the original 3, but I liked Farrah Fawcett and Jaclyn Smith. However, I really, really liked Kate Jackson. It was a series about 3 sexy detectives and she was definitely the best.

I also was able to find a picture of Norah, too. These pictures printed out shitty, but it was fun playing detective and seeing what I could find, anyway.

I just tried going onto AOL to see if I got any mail from Marla and it said it was temporarily down, to please try again in 15 minutes. That’s what they said 15 minutes ago.

We went to the library Monday morning and it looks like I may have a second favorite author. Dean Koontz. I may have read one other book of his that was turned into a movie, but I’m not sure. Anyway, in two days, I read a 305-page book of his and it was great. Better than even some of John Saul’s books. The ending was a bit abrupt, though. It kind of left me hanging, wondering what was to happen. Usually, there’s some kind of epilogue, giving you some kind of idea of what may happen in the future.

Tom cleaned the tub, which I noticed when I went to take a shower. It looks beautiful and now I’m sure I can keep up on it from here on out. What did he use on it, though, that didn’t have any harsh fumes, which would’ve woken me up for sure?

I absolutely don’t fucking believe this! The back room is leaking like hell! I thought this was supposed to be old news. Now I’m wondering if he ever really knew what he was doing when he worked on the roof, or if he was just showing off. I know how smart Tom is, so what happened? Well, I’m sure it had nothing to do with him.

Tom left me a message saying he’s very sorry this has happened, he’s sorry he was wrong about what he had thought was the source of the leak. He also says he understands I think we’re cursed and that it’s compensation for the good things that have happened, but to please not be so negative and have an I-told-you-so kind of attitude. He says this problem needs to be solved and he may have to tear down a section of the ceiling to locate where the leak is originating.

It’s originating from God. But why? I thought God and I were on better terms since I changed my way of thinking and my attitude about having a kid. I learned to see the good of not having a child. I learned to see that all along he was only protecting me and looking out for me, so why? Why must he harass us? Why can’t he just leave us alone? Why does it have to be one thing after another? How could God be so mean after all the hard work Tom put into doing the roof? What does he want from us? He knows we can’t do anything he doesn’t want us doing and that includes hitting it right and me ending up pregnant. I even agreed to help miss it and to go along with God and do right by him, so what did we do now? Is that what I get for agreeing to go along with fate, accept it, and live with it? Is this not only compensation due to us getting Tom into a better shift with more money but is it cuz Tom believes differently than me? Is it cuz he refuses to see things the way I see them and to go along with God? Isn’t one of us going along with God enough? Either way, we can’t fight God and win, so what the hell’s going on?! Why does God hate us so much and want to continually pick at us? We just want to get on with our lives and I, at least, agreed to not fight God and I know that I must live life according to God’s wishes and standards.

I hate God. I really really do. He is nothing but an evil motherfucker. Something up there is, anyway.

Well, at least one thing went my way. I was thinking last night how it was a hell of a first for me not to need any Ibuprofen and to have such a super light period and only need liners. A few days ago, Tom had said that I still may spot, even if we don’t do anything. Well, I don’t know if he was joking or serious, but he was almost right. I was in between spots and a light period. I decided last night that if I didn’t have a full flow, I’d make an appointment for a PAP and to see if I could find out why my periods were so light and why I am retaining all this water. You see, God is going to have to at least try to meet me halfway occasionally and I decided that if I must have all my periods, which is fine, then I want them to be normal. Not these half-assed things that keep me a water balloon and I really think the water’s connected to the light periods. However, I woke up with a full flow and needed an Ibuprofen, so that’s good. Some of the water’s come off, too. Not as much as I’d like, but it’s better than nothing.

Later...

Tom just got up and is eating now. I made a deal with him and told him that if I promised not to bitch about the roof, will he at least consider my theory and belief? He said he’s not saying that I’m wrong or right or that he’s wrong or right, but that whether it’s a curse or not, it needs to be fixed. Yeah, it does, but if it’s a curse, can we ever drive it away so we have fewer problems and fewer things to fix?

Also, I still believe it’s too scary for Tom to consider the possibility that I may be right about the curse, God’s intentions for us, and my sterility. He just doesn’t want to believe this, but in time, he’ll have no choice. Still, though, he may deny it was a curse or cuz of God and say it was just cuz things turned out that way.

Yesterday, I was curious to check out the history of Little House on the Prairie and the whole story behind Laura Ingalls and her family. There was tons of information. It was like - wow! I even printed out a list of all the 204 episodes, which contained a brief write-up about them. See? That’s how many episodes each series would do back then. Not just 10-20 of them.

I’m also gonna check and see what kind of sites they’ve got on Charlie’s Angels.

Well, I sure do have some interesting things to update on, as some of my birds spy on me from the window above me.

First of all, Tom finally cleaned the back room yesterday. That makes about 6 times, between the two of us. It looks great and I made him promise not to trash it yet again, but we’ll see.

We screwed yesterday and we both got off.

He agreed that the reason I had such an easy PMS was due to not having to worry about spot attacks or any other weird occurrences, even if they didn’t necessarily mean something was wrong. Once again, each period gets lighter and I retain more water. This one’s so very light and I haven’t even needed any Ibuprofen yet, this time around. I think I’ll soon be making a PAP appointment, not for an exam and to ask about conceiving, but for an exam and to ask why each one gets lighter and why I’m so watery before, during, and after my periods and see what they suggest.

Yesterday was a fun and productive day between sex, Chinese food, and getting the back room done.

Upon Tom and I discussing our families, I realized a sad, but true fact. If I died, what would my parents do? Flip a coin to decide who gets to go to my funeral and who gets to stay back to tend to the store and their dogs?

Speaking of coins, Ma gave us, as well as Mary and David, some old coins that Dad had collected. They’re not worth much, but they will be someday. I don’t know if we’re gonna keep them or what? That’s up to Tom.

It’s still been very quiet next door. I did notice the Jeep had finally returned at around 3 PM last Friday, but I haven’t heard any music. I don’t think the Jeep has been there at all since yesterday. The way they’ve been is a total dream come true, even if most of my wishes granted aren’t the ones I desperately wanted most.

We spoke to Tammy yesterday cuz she left us a message. Her computer CD-ROM went out, so it’s being fixed and she’ll be without it for a few weeks. Yuck! She also had a question for Tom about a friend’s computer.

I asked her what she’d been up to and her response was, “I’ve been fucking plowing!”

Ha! Ha! She says they got 6” of snow.

Then, I figured I’d better start trying to get a hold of Larry to wish him a happy birthday, but he was out, as usual. I spoke to Jenny and Sandy. Sandy said he was in PA picking up a couple of new trucks. At first, I was thoroughly confused and asked if he cut himself in half and drove the trucks back that way. Then Sandy informed me that he took a couple of drivers down with him.

I told Sandy I called for two reasons. One was to start trying to reach Larry to wish him a happy birthday and the other was to rub in the nicer weather here. She was like, “Shut up! From now on don’t call me till May.”

I told her, though, that we’ve had some chilly days, too. It’s really a dull and dismal day out there now. She wouldn’t tell me the temperature there, but she did say it was under 30°. They didn’t get the kind of snow Tammy got.

I told Sandy about the mouse we had had in here and I thought she’d be all freaked out about it, but she says she’s a major animal rights activist.

She burst out laughing when I told her all about how I botched up the pie I had tried making when I was sick. She says Larry still talks about the pie he dropped all over their living room floor.

Anyway, I think I’ve remembered everything Sandy and I discussed.

Later...

I got in touch with Larry. I told him I had been pretty confused at first, about how he was getting the trucks back from PA. He said he went down himself, drove one truck 10 miles, then ran back and got the other, but got sick of that cuz it was -20°. Naturally, that was my cue to burst out laughing.

I told him about the pie incident too, and then he was impersonating Tammy (all her medical problems).

He’s been sick for a month and a half. He says he had to take antibiotics and that he may have had bronchitis or walking pneumonia.

I spoke to Andy yesterday, too, following a pretty confusing and funny incident. He asked me to tape his outgoing message, so I did. Then he called to ask if I put it on his machine, too. No, I told him, but he played his messages and it was there, too. Then I realized what had happened. After I taped his outgoing message, I thought I had hung up before his machine could record anything, but as I went to play back his message to make sure it came out OK, it got picked up on his machine.

I just realized something. I think I forgot to mention that the last time Andy was here with Michelle, they brought a couple of things. Michelle had a rolled-up funny note she wrote with a few orange lollipops taped to it. The note was a bore, though, cuz the paper was all crinkled up, making it harder to read and her handwriting wasn’t that great.

Also, Andy brought over a coat from Laura. It’s a nice colorful coat that’s good for this time of year. Especially at night and in the mornings.

Later on, I’ll get into the Laura Ingalls site I checked out on AOL.

It’s so cute watching Bunny play with Piggy. They still like to clean each other, too. Piggy doesn’t like it, though, when Bunny tramples him. Piggy has calmed down quite a bit due to his age, whereas Bunny, who’s just a baby, even though he’s gotten so big and weighs about 4 pounds, is quite playful.

This is so weird (yet I love it), but there’s still no one next door. Where are they? Well, I hope they stay away, but I also hope they don’t move, seeing how quiet they’ve been over the last few months. A part of me wonders if they did split, but why would they do that and leave their stuff here? Maybe they got in trouble or something, but I haven’t seen or heard anyone else coming to check on the house, so who knows? They could simply both be on vacation and be visiting someone. I picture these people to be originally from someplace like Chicago or L.A. Something tells me more like Chicago.

Right on time. Here go those fucking dogs. Obviously, they hear the people in the house get up at this time (which seems like the time to get up with a house full of little kids and a daycare business to run), then they go off cuz they want to be fed.

I think I figured out why this has been the easiest PMS, as far as the emotional part goes, in quite a while. It’s cuz between the last period and this one, he didn’t get off. So now I don’t have to worry about a possible spot attack or some other kind of weird incident playing on my mind. It’s probably mostly a subconscious thing, but there’s nothing that can be in the back of my mind to worry me this month. Before, I’d just never quite know what I was in for. I could only be sure of not getting pregnant, but as for any other weird happenings, abnormal or not, I just never knew.

I never thought I’d say this, but a part of me wishes he’d just go back to not cumming. Sometimes we get something we’ve wanted, then wish we could go right back to the way it was before. No, I don’t wish to go back to MA or back to being alone, but his not cumming really takes a load of stress and worry off me. Maybe he has gone back to not cumming. We screwed again yesterday and he didn’t get off. We did it on his bed and he didn’t have the energy to do it on his bed, cuz it’s harder. On the waterbed, the water helps him to move back and forth a lot easier. It takes half the work off of him. Meanwhile, a 39-year-old trying to bump it in and out on a very hard bed, that’s pure hell on him.

No dorky "tail" on my ass. As you know, I’ve had this very small piece of hair that was just slightly past the crack of my ass. Meanwhile, the rest of it was about 3” shorter and it looked pretty stupid. It was so uneven, so I took 2” of that long piece off and now it looks much more even. Still uneven, but not nearly as uneven as it was before. I’m not gonna say anything to Tom, cuz I want to see if he notices it. It’ll take a month or two for it to return to where it was, but at least it’ll look healthier and even. It seems like my sides haven’t been growing much, but hopefully it only seemed that way due to that clump of hair being a few inches longer. Hopefully, once the very back that I just trimmed returns to where it was, I’ll notice that the sides will be even with it, too. If God forbid, the back returns to where it was and the sides stay where they are - fine. I’m not gonna hack the tail again.

Anyway, my hair is in much healthier condition than it was for a few years there. Those end treatments really have made a difference.

Maybe someone is next door after all. I just peeked out the window and cuz there’s barely any sunlight yet, I can see a light on over there. Maybe she’s been there, but not him. Then why haven’t I heard her come and go? Why haven’t I heard a car pull up to get her and drop her off? Boy, she’s gotta really have someone willing and able to deal with picking her up and dropping her off, what with the fact that she’s got no car. Imagine living in a house with no car. She could walk to a bus stop, but that’d be a real pain for her to haul her kid along and you’re talking about a 10-minute walk. Then she’d have to bus it to wherever she leaves the kid all day, then to her place of work.

Could the light just have been left on, if they’re both gone, for security? I don’t think so, cuz I would’ve seen the light from the back room, so I’d say she’s been there and he hasn’t been there. Guess he’s either in trouble, working elsewhere, or just not getting along with her.

Now here’s some really cool computer news. Well, those Gloria pictures, as well as one of Norah’s, have been set up so I can use them as either wallpaper or a screen saver. It is so awesome! I have two picked out now. I used to have these pictures, as a matter of fact. I junked one of them like a fool when I first came here and the other ended up being dumped courtesy of my mother.

Well, the birds ran out of seeds yesterday and Tom picked them up some more this morning, so since they’re up now, I’ll go feed them.

Hello There,

I don’t know your name, but my name is (fake name) and I’m a nearby neighbor.

First of all, I’d like to say I’m sorry for your loss and I hope you’re getting along OK.

I’d like to ask a favor, though, if I may, about the dog tied up to the trailer. Well, don’t get me wrong, I love animals, but is there any way you could please lessen the barking? Some of those in my household are working nights and need to sleep in the days. I hope you understand how it is.

Take care and hope you had a nice holiday season.

Sincerely, (fake name)

That you just read, is the note I stuck in the mailbox of the house with that trailer dog, which has started up again.

The “I’m sorry for your loss” part of it is due to him losing his mother. Gloria, that woman behind us, who came to see us when we had our tag sale, said that that’s what the case is, anyway.

This dog’s bark is so totally obnoxious and they are so cruel, too. Once again, how can they hear themselves think? I thought I heard voices, as I approached their mailbox slot, but once again, how can they talk to each other over that shrill of a bark? Geez! Anyway, I know it won’t do a damn bit of good, but I just had to do something and feel like I tried. The good thing about it is that if they don’t give a shit about the dog or my complaint, and I don’t expect them to, that trailer and that dog are in perfect easy access. It’s right on the street. So, if they want to sleep at night in peace, and I know they sleep in that trailer, they better think about it. Also, anyone can just walk right up to the dog and snatch it (I wish they would) or do something to it. Well, maybe the fact that the trailer and the dog aren’t in an enclosed area and anyone can get to them without being seen, or without them being able to do anything about it in time, will help get something done about the little pipsqueak of a dog, but I know better. I’m gonna have to do something myself.

Maybe the reason why they don’t have the dog in the yard is cuz there’s already a dog there and maybe they’d attack each other. That leaves shutting it up in the trailer or taking it into the house and all hell would break loose if someone in Arizona actually had to bring their dog into their house. That’s a no-no out here.

If I knew it wouldn’t bite me and that if I could release it from its leash, it’d run away, that’d be great, but I ain’t getting near that dog. Not without a gun and I don’t have one. I don’t want to hurt the dog, I just want them to shut it up. If it takes threats to the dog and the trailer and maybe an egg or two to the trailer itself, then I just may have to do that, but I hope not and I don’t want to. If I were seen doing anything, who knows what they might try doing to our house. Well, we do live in a world where most people don’t care about their pets and where more than most don’t give a shit about their neighbors. I’d say that there were only about 3% of the neighbors I’ve ever had who cared and wanted to get along without bothering anyone, as well as not being bothered by anyone.

I’m just about 99% sure they didn’t see me deliver them their note. All their front windows have tin foil in them and I don’t think their open side windows matter, cuz it’d just look like I was walking from or to anywhere in that area. Besides, I think they were absorbed in themselves and chatting to really think twice about seeing me walking down the street. From their front sidewalk, though, they couldn’t have seen me. Only on the street. Well, if they figure out who I am, then they do, but I suppose I’d prefer to be unknown.

Also, I think I did hear a car door shortly after 7:00 from next door. Then when I checked again, I don’t think I saw any lights, so someone is picking up her and the kid.

Later...

Yeah! The trailer just left. Now all I have to listen to for now is those other two dogs and there’s nothing that can be done about them. All I can do is hope they die, or someone else kills them, or that the owners realize how cruel they’ve been to their dogs, as well as how rude they’ve been to their neighbors, but that’ll never happen.

Well, I don’t have much to say at this time. Just that there still hasn’t been anyone next door that I can see of, so that’s just great.

I also haven’t heard anything from that trailer.

I cleaned the hell out of this place today since it really needed it. It just wasn’t something I was able to do for a while cuz of how we were sick.

I also made Tom up a list of all the Gloria pictures I want to have as screen savers and wallpaper on my desktop.

I started adding whatever I could think of to our list, which we’re soon gonna revise, of all the stuff we’d like to buy and do.

Tom had gotten a jar of nuts (he hates nuts) from work during the holiday season. It was a pretty triangular glass jar, too, so I put my different colored beads in them in order and it looks really neat, with all the pretty layers of colors.

Well, I guess that’s it unless you want to count Robin telling me that 1997 will be the best year of my life. I think that 1992, 1993 and 1994 were the best, even though they had their problems, too. She says, though, that 1997 will have fewer problems, I have no idea what I’m in for and it’s to be way more exciting and better than I could ever imagine. She says there are about 3 or 4 events that’ll be happening that won’t be any kind of settlement, either. She says I’ll be totally thrilled about them.

Oh, please! I mean, we’re both feeling better overall and happier about having more money and time together, but how much more can happen? What could possibly happen that’ll make this year so wonderful? Will we win the lottery? I don’t expect it to be a bad year, but how great can it get? I’ve lived my life and have basically done the things I wanted to do that were possible for me to do, so what more could I expect or ask for? I don’t expect to be off the cigarettes and on a normal schedule. We won’t be moving this year. Once again, we’ll just have to wait and see, but I really think it’s a little late for any kind of serious or grand changes. Well, if it’s an actionless year, I’ll take that over a chaotic year.

I conquered a fear of mine and did something earlier that I had never done before. I did laundry in the dark. I still shined a flashlight around, though, to make sure there were no spiders that I could see. I got all the sheets and blankets washed, now that we’re better, and I dusted, vacuumed, and cleaned the bathroom. Tomorrow I’ll do the kitchen appliances.

Tom and I went to Osco Drug at 2 AM. It sure felt weird being out with him at that hour. It’s been a long time since we were out that late.

Anyway, I picked up b-day cards for Lisa, Larry, Sandy, Jen and Andy.

I got the fans on now cuz the dogs are gonna start their shit any second now. Also, that huge motorhome is here now like they are half the time, so I expect that squeaking thing’s gonna bark, too.

Come to think of it, why haven’t I heard that dog? They’ve been here at least every 2-3 weeks for a few days, but I don’t think I’ve heard that dog for a while. They just got that dog, though, within the last 6 months or so, so why would they not have it? Maybe it drove them crazy, too.

No freeloaders next door. In fact, I’m not even sure if she and the kids have been there since Sunday. If I’ve got this right, they’re usually there Wednesday - Sunday. At least to sleep, anyway.

We screwed earlier and he didn’t get off. Guess he either didn’t miss sex very much or I was out of practice and not up to my usual standards.

Very faint, but noticeable pre-cramps have set in. I hope this each-period-since-last-July-being-lighter streak ends. If this period’s lighter than my last one, it’ll barely be a period at all. Then I can really be backed up with water.

Yes, I think I will mark my charts with those 3 things: the dates of my rag, when I’m mid-cycle, and when he gets off. I’m only mid-cycle and ragging once a month, but what with the way he rarely cums, it won’t be a hassle to keep track of.

My cold is just about gone now!

I still feel like I did yesterday and I’d say that yesterday and today have been the worst of the cold. My lungs and throat have been fine, but my nose has been really freaked out. My whole head, actually, has been stuffy and it feels like my head is so heavy and I’ve got that feeling where it feels like my whole head is swimming. My ear is clogged up and sounds are so much softer, yet louder sounding. I even had to maximize the bass on my stereo in order to be able to stand it and you know I hate bass.

When I first got up I sneezed my way through waking up and showering, but since then my nose has settled down. I used that nasal spray and put a new nasal strip on. At least the air quality isn’t as bad. We haven’t heard of any pollution advisories being in effect, and I think there may have been some wind and rain, so that’ll clean the air up.

Neither of us has seen Gizzy since that time we both saw him book from the living room towards the bedrooms, but I’d think he was still here and alive.

I’ve had the aquarium on its side with 5 pellets in it and there are still 5 pellets in it, so he hasn’t been eating those. The reason why I put them there is that I was hoping he’d go for the pellets, then I could tip the cage right side up and trap him. Then, I’d either keep him in an old birdcage I saw out in the storeroom that’s off of the patio or let him go. I think that there are big enough cracks in the back door for him to get out. Those huge spiders have gotten in that way and he’s about the same size. He’s just a baby mouse that’s about an inch or two long. However, he may be too stupid to try getting out that way. He did try it a couple of times the first night I saw him, but then when I went to open the door and left it that way for a while, he didn’t leave, so we’ll just have to wait and see what happens.

Tom has been wonderful at helping me through this cold. It sure beats being all alone like I used to be back east, dealing with colds that were way worse than this, and having no one who gave a shit or who could deal with it.

I’ll be getting Tom up at 1:30, cuz he’ll be going in at 4 AM.

Later...

Tom got up a few times cuz his belly was acting up. I know he’s not intimidated by work, responsibility or people and that he gets along with people very well, but I wonder if it could be a case of new job jitters? He said it’s possible since he’s only human. Now that takes a hell of a guy to be able to admit that. Like I said, there’s a bad kind of macho and a good kind of macho.

At least he could succeed in just about every job possible, whereas I’m warier of people cuz I don’t like or trust them, think they may play with my head, and don’t get along with most people. That’s cuz I’m either too different or they always have some kind of problem with me. They think I’m a defensive bitch, but that’s OK. It’s true, for the most part. You could say it’s mutual. What was I - somewhere in my early 20s when I basically thumbed my nose at the general population, deciding I was too good for most people?

He did his list for April. I highly doubt it, but since I knew there was at least a slim chance he could’ve peeked at mine, I held the envelope up to the light and I saw: You are pregnant or…

Let me guess, after the “or” comes “are about to be.”

That’s cheating, in a sense. He’s so determined to be right in some kind of way about that, that that’s probably why he stuck that in there, but that makes no sense and doesn’t count. I mean, you’re either pregnant or you’re not pregnant. There’s no “on your way to being pregnant.” Maybe if you have a date with Invitro or something, but other than that, you either are or aren’t. Anyway, as far as he’s been concerned, since early ‘94, I’ve either been pregnant or on my way to being pregnant.

I think I also saw “I love you.”

How sweet. At least he knew when he wrote that, that he had to be right on at least one of the things he wrote, huh?

Later...

To continue on with the list I mentioned earlier. I did mine a few days ago, folded it up and put it in an envelope. Then, I told him to do his and put it in the envelope (without looking at mine) and seal it up and I’d put it in the file box.

A tiny bit of me suspects he could’ve checked out mine, cuz of the way he told me not to peek and open the envelope. Sometimes it can be human nature to tell a person not to do something they’re not supposed to do, that you’re not supposed to do, either, but that you may have done. I think that once I see his list in April, I’ll be able to tell if he checked mine out or not. It depends on how opposite from mine his list is. He has a way of being quite an opposite doer/sayer for the most part. It depends on what it’s about. If I say we should kill those wearing green shirts, he’s not gonna agree with me, but if I say something about somebody seeming mellow, for example, he’ll probably say he thought they were high-strung.

As I was going through my journal groups and adding their years, the different fonts finally got on my nerves and I made them all into a basic and simple font. From here on out, though, I can use weird fonts, cuz then I can see, as I type along, which fonts are complete and which aren’t. I have a pretty good idea of which ones are more complete, but if I’ve used the degree sign for say, number 77, I may forget that the degree sign’s there, and change it to a font that doesn’t have that. So, I may use some harder-to-read fonts, but for the most part, it’d be easier if I used those that weren’t too fancy. I can save those for letters.

I forgot to mention that I tried calling Paula a couple of days ago and her phone’s disconnected. I guess she did move, but why hasn’t it been turned on at her new place? It looks like she owed some money on it and lost her phone. She’s a lot like Fran was. She has a phone on and off. Since she hasn’t called me, I’d say there’s a good chance she lost my number. A ditz like that could easily lose someone’s number. Especially when they’re moving. As for her writing to me? If she’s got the address, she probably is too stupid to do so and doesn’t have the time. I don’t know how well she can read in the first place. She may not be very literate. I’d say she did get the letter, cuz it was never returned to me, but she may have lost that, too, and can’t remember my last name or his first name to look us up in the Phoenix directory. I tried to get a number on that friend of hers on Liberty Street she mentioned, but there’s no listing. I guess we’ll just have to wait and see, but if I can’t talk to her again or for a long time, at least I got to chat with her a few times after not being able to for 6 years.

Later...

If only those damn dogs would disappear. You hear them on and off all day in the winter and on and off all night in the summer. Why hasn’t someone done something about it? I can’t believe no one has. I know I’m not the only one who can’t stand to listen to them. They probably tried calling someone and got the same run around I did and didn’t want to bother with the hassles and with not being able to be anonymous about it. Well, at least they can’t wake me up and I can use music or fans to deal with them.

God’s been really good to me as far as next door goes. He’s not home every day, but when he has been, I haven’t heard any music. My guess, at this time, although Tom says there doesn’t have to be a reason, is that he did blow his speakers and doesn’t have the money for new ones now. I hope it’s not just a seasonal thing, as far as him not being there as much. I still wouldn’t be surprised if they came alive again once or twice a month from around April to September, but maybe it’s not just his work that’s keeping him away more often. Maybe they’re not getting along.

Anyway, my nerves have really really eased up as far as their shit goes and now I can even go to bed without fearing or wondering if I’ll be able to sleep. I can’t believe, though, that they only woke me up a few times since they arrived last March. Yes, they’ve been the best ones to be next door since I’ve been here and if they stay like this, I hope they never move. It’s when they calm down and shut up, though, that they do move, but I hope not. If they go back to ever playing their music at a volume that can be heard 5 blocks away, well, then that’ll be a whole different story. I also hope there are hardly ever any loud 6-hour parties, too.

Bunny has a game he plays with me. Most of the time I walk by the end of the cage when I either come from the kitchen or go into it, he runs to the end of the cage for his nose to be patted. It’s so cute.

Kim called earlier and she didn’t even recognize my voice. I told her I had a cold and that while I could breathe, my nose was still stuffy. I’m only hearing at half a volume still, too. She says she’s dumped Bob, but we’ll see. She says she’s not gonna tell him something like she’s moved to Florida, then have me write and say I heard she was killed. She says she wrote to him just over a month ago and that’ll be it. She says that if I tell him she was killed, he’ll kill himself. I doubt that. We thought he’d kill himself or be killed in jail and he’s still alive.

He sent her 10 stamps. That’s really pushy. I mean, he really is trying to get her into writing to him, huh? At least she gets free stamps out of it.

Kim still feels he’s innocent, but I don’t. Not with his mouth. I know that most guys that talk sex all the time are sluts, but he did say he had a kid and I know there’s no such thing as a childless child molester.

Kim also says she thinks she’s got a cold coming on, too. That sucks. She will be going on her annual Florida trip, though, to see her brother and her grandmother.

I’ve been wondering more and more about Paula losing her son and almost losing her other son. What really could’ve happened? She says it was her sister that called DYS on her. Well, seeing how much the court really favors biology over the child’s best interest, I’d say something big had to have gone down. She says someone suspected he (Robert) was being molested and that she doesn’t know if this happened for sure or who could’ve done so if it did, but I think I know what really happened. I know Paula’s violent streak. I’ve seen her constantly yell at that kid and even slap him really good a few times and I think she beat up on him and the sister (as well as others, probably), saw bruises on him. She was constantly telling Justin during our phone conversations that she was gonna punch him in the mouth if he hit her or didn’t settle down. I hate to say this, but here’s the making of a couple of classic lunatics. I mean, those boys are definitely gonna be so very likely to grow up violent and hating women.

I haven’t had any pre-cramps yet, but they should be well on their way. Hopefully, I won’t be a basket case soon, though, but I’d still say I’ve been feeling much better mentally on an overall basis.

Well, here’s the third day of this cold. Once again, it’s still a fairly easy cold and I’m still able to be up and doing the usual, but yesterday was a bitch. I couldn’t sleep due to my nose running like hell and that was making me depressed and frustrated and I was really wired out.

Then Tom started mentioning nasal sprays and I just laughed cuz those have never worked worth shit for me. Anyway, they have new ones now and I’m glad he let me let him talk me into getting a nasal spray, cuz it really helped a lot so I could finally get to sleep.

I forgot to mention before that his ma gave me a really cute calendar. It’s got drawings of cats and dogs and she thought I might want to try to draw some of them. We’ll see, but lately I haven’t felt like doing much of anything, since colds really drain you. I’ve basically just been at the computer, writing and listening to music. Today, though, I am gonna try my best to get as much of this place cleaned as I can. If I dust, vacuum and air this place out, it should help.

Tom and I both saw the mouse, which I call Gizzy. He was in the living room and then he ran for the bedrooms, but I haven’t seen him since. He hasn’t eaten any of the pellets, so how is he surviving? I’m amazed he hasn’t starved yet.

Well, I just can’t think of anything else to say at this time, so maybe I’ll go do some drawing, work on copying in Andy’s journal stuff or continue putting the years in by each of the entry dates on the computer version journals.

Still no getting online and I probably won’t be able to for a while yet. It’s Saturday night, so there’s a lot of traffic. I have AOL brought up and on my title bar, so I can keep trying here and there.

Andy says he wants to come over sometime to look around for stuff on Stevie on the web.

Oh, great. I mean, I don’t mind him coming over and I’d like for him to visit more often, but I hope this doesn’t become a regular thing. I also hope he’s not constantly asking me, look up this, look up that, cuz then if I can’t find something, I’ve got to bug Tom and I think he has enough shit going on.

Tom says he feels better physically and is psyched about his schedule and feels that’ll really improve our lives. Well, we’ll see. The question is if it does improve our lives - for how long? How long can he go without being sick? Without being tired a lot of the time or having some kind of injury?

He mentioned missing sex and wants that whenever we can find the time for it, but I don’t know. I still don’t like the idea of a part-time sex life, but perhaps it’s better than nothing and I should just take it. Yes, it can cause problems between us, and who knows if I’ll spot again and have to deal with that shit, but it’ll make him happy, so that’s something to think about. Also, I have been adapting to sex in waves over the last year or so, and sex in waves is what this relationship has always been about and always will be about. Well, I told him I agree to have sex here and there, cuz I know it’s what he wants and that it’ll make him happy.

He also says he still wants a kid and that it won’t take a toll on us, etc. We can handle it, he says. Well, here’s where he’s got a problem cuz I can’t give him a child whether I wanted to or not.

He says he’s gonna do up his list for April 1st and that he’s gonna be right on every one this time. Sorry hun, but there’s not a chance in hell of that happening. I know for a fact that I’ll be right on every single one I wrote down. The only one I could possibly be wrong on, but I highly doubt it, is the improved financial situation and that’s cuz every time you get more money, something comes up or breaks, and that money you got goes to that. He says there’ll be extra money for fun stuff and if one of us needs new shoes or something, we won’t have to wait on it. I hope this is true and I think it just may be. As for the other 5 things I saw, though, there’s no way I’ll be on a normal schedule, not smoking, pregnant, or get up the guts to see a doctor when I’m right about not being pregnant, or that he’ll be cumming more than 3 times a month. That’s just totally impossible. There might be a month occasionally where he gets off 4-5 times, but that’s it. All else I said is inevitable and etched in stone, but that’s good, except for the smoking and the schedule.

Believe it or not, I have a cold now (it feels so weird to be able to say, “Believe it or not!”). So, I’ll write as much as I can. I’ll be pausing here and there to see if I can get onto AOL. I tried to log in a few times and it was busy. I have stuff I’m gonna look up for Tom, as well as stuff for myself.

It was yesterday that I first began feeling a little off. It’s part of the plan, though, and God knows it. He still doesn’t want us to have much time together, no matter how we think or feel. Next, Tom will be sick all over again, and there’ll be one thing after another. The only good thing about it is, is that we’ll have more time to deal with one thing after another going wrong, due to how he’ll have more free time cuz of his new schedule.

I revised my list for what I see happening from now till April 1st to the following:

1. I’ll still have a crazy schedule.

2. I’ll still be smoking.

3. Our financial situation has improved and will continue to.

4. You’ll still only cum 1-3 times a mos.

5. I won’t be pregnant.

6. I won’t go to a doctor (too chicken to).

Later...

Still no getting through to AOL. Speaking of AOL, I have some pretty cool news about that. Well, Andy and Michelle came over last night, so that was the first time I met Michelle (she’s between plain and cute, but she’s pretty heavy). The computer was on, so she went to look up some actress at a site I never thought to look in. So, I then did that with Gloria, Linda and Norah. I didn’t find any new info on Norah, but I found an awesome web page on Gloria that had all kinds of beautiful pictures. There were 6 photo galleries, so I downloaded about 24 out of the 30 or so pics and printed them out in different sizes. I have some in my journals and some bigger ones in a photo album. I put them in those protective sleeves, as I did with some of my drawings. I also checked out Linda’s web page and that was pretty nice too, but the pictures weren’t nearly as nice as Gloria’s. Tom says he thinks that that’s not Gloria’s only web page. Yeah, I believe that. Unfortunately, they don’t group things together very well and since everything’s so scattered, you just have to hope you can find all of whatever you’re looking for.

My parents called last night. Ma’s right when she said everyone was sick. It seems like the whole country’s sick. Larry gave one of his drivers Christmas off, so he did a delivery to Miami and stopped at their place with the kids along the way. He’s still sick and the kids are, too. At first I asked myself why the kids would go if they were sick, but the answer is probably so they could spend time with Larry. Larry’s so busy so much of the time that he’s hardly ever home. Larry and Sandy are both very devoted to their kids, but Larry’s also a workaholic and probably doesn’t want to spend too much time around Sandy.

Anyway, as I was talking to my folks along with Tom, I saw something on my leg and said, “Oh shit.” I thought it was a baby bee and kept trying to kill it by swatting at it, but it just seemed to come back to life and resurrect itself every time it looked like it was dead. Ma was laughing, no doubt cuz it was me and not her who had to deal with that. She hates bugs, too. Anyway, the thing turned out to be a rather humongous ant.

My parents also said the bingo marathon sucked. They said it was too long, the food sucked and they didn’t win. They wish they’d gone to a party they were invited to, instead. So, that makes 4 people whose New Year’s Eve sucked.

We had an interesting houseguest yesterday that I noticed after he went to bed. We’ve got a mouse hanging around here. I saw it dart by a few different times last night. It’s such a cute little thing, too! Then I didn’t see it for several hours before going to bed, which I did at around 7 AM. I haven’t seen it today yet, either, so maybe it found its way back out.