Making my first high-speed connection entry in our new home! It won’t be much of one, though, as I’m so beat and there’s still so much to do. So don’t expect much from me in the next week or two.

It’s great how fast things are when surfing the web after so many years of such a slow, unreliable connection, though I realize that some sites have slow servers, and so our speed doesn’t matter in that case.

While we’re LOVING our new home and all the space, I am both appreciative and pissed at the previous owners. They left a TON of stuff and the place is filthy. Every time I open new closets, drawers or cabinets not yet explored it is with dread due to how much crap I know I may find. Tonight’s regular trash and recyclable pickup, so it’s perfect timing. Yeah, now that we’re back in the city we’ve got to get back in the habit of recycling things. We took in cans and bottles out in the country, but that was about it.

Would love to say more, but gotta vacuum some sections of this seemingly massive house, take my first bath in a million years, then collapse in bed before my feet end up killing me even more if that’s even possible.

I want to thank those who have given me kind feedback on various sites about my journal. I never thought that what began as sort of a joke and out of curiosity would become what it is today. Nor would I ever have thought my words would inspire and influence so many others.

I was “kicked” awake by the “dream people” about 5 hours before I intended to get up. Those same dream people that are getting kinda famous in a funny kinda way. Based on the time I went to bed (about 3am) and how backed up I am on sleep and what’s normal sleep patterns for me, I should’ve slept till around noon – 2pm. But they were determined to get my ass up at 8:30 and I don’t know why. I know something’s going down, but I don’t know what. I guess all that could happen is they give us the keys to a house I very well may sell after all the shit I’ve already gone through with it before I could even get a chance to live in it, we get a condo, or we contact a lawyer. I mean what else could the wakeup call mean? Oprah’s not going to call me to come and discuss rats on her show.

Going by the lender’s track record, though, I expect another lame excuse because that’s all they’ve given us so far. I hope it's cuz we've got to move tomorrow, something which I couldn't afford to sleep half the day away if we were to do, but I just can't believe anything till and if I see it where this house is concerned.

Another day of wondering if we’re going to get the keys to this house we just can’t seem to get into. I am getting so, so sick of being teased with the damn thing. If we’re not meant to have it, I’d really like to know now so we can get our money back and move on. We’ll just remain renters if that’s the case.

Since it hasn’t happened yet I’ll just assume that the answer to my question is “no,” and just deal with it. Guess that’s all I really can do. By Wednesday we’ll know if we’re getting a house or an apartment.

Again I wonder if something up there is involved, and if it is, why is it doing all it can to delay the move? To keep us from something good, or perhaps from something bad?

Tammy shared more pics of her place, both inside and out, and there was even a shot of a shelf with pics set up which there was one I sent her from my late 20s. Wow, was I really that skinny?! Her bathroom comes the closest to my type of colors and styles. We even use the same deodorant, LOL. They even have a boat, though I don’t know what kind or where they take it. The land is absolutely beautiful. She hates the city too, and if there weren’t such a thing as adult communities I wouldn’t be going to one. Or trying to anyway. If we continue renting we’ll stay in rural areas.

Yesterday I got up at 8am, but today I couldn’t pull myself out of bed till 10am, and I’m still kind of tired. Getting up at a decent hour tomorrow is gonna be hell, but it’d be worth it if we had a home to go to. Not gonna count on it, though. I’m tired of getting my hopes up for nothing. Every time I think this is it, it’s not, so I’m not gonna believe a damn thing till I see it.

Kim’s fucking around with me again on Ask. It could be Kathy or someone connected to Molly, but more likely it’s Kim because of the nasty death wishes they had for Aly. Only someone with a ton of rage could say that and we both know Kim is a very angry person, not that we feel a damn bit sorry for her. When you bullshit people they’re going to dump you sooner or later. So if you can’t handle that, then you should’ve thought of that BEFORE you used those you called friends – those that were always good to you – and then lied to them like crazy. Her losing us (and others) is her own fault and her own doing and I have no sympathy for her. If she doesn’t learn how to move on and create friendships based on honesty, that rage is going to consume her to the point where she will either end up funny-farmed or in jail, and she will have no one to blame but herself.

Later…

I am so fucking furious right now it isn’t funny! Last night I had a couple of dreams where Tom and I spoke of other rentals. I didn’t think much of them because one seemed to be in Florida and the other was in Nevada. I should’ve figured they meant something, though, since their latest excuse is that the paperwork was wrong. They screwed up the house’s dimensions and Tom had to sign and return a form they sent him. “You gotta be kidding,” I said. “All this over the fucking dimensions? Who gives a shit whether it’s 62’ long or 58’ long! It’s big! Plenty big for us.”

Tom then emailed Kathy (I’m really getting to hate people with that name) and said we NEED a closing date because this is costing us money. And it is! We have been so, so inconvenienced by this shit and I’m pretty sure we’ll be forced to spend more on propane soon enough, too. Kathy replied saying it’s “guaranteed” to close tomorrow, but I know it’s bullshit and that there’ll be something else. I’m already sure I don’t want this house anymore any way. There’s no trust there anymore and the last thing I want to do is any more business with these incompetent liars. I don’t know who’s doing this to us or why, but it’s probably no one we know personally. I don’t see how it could be. I’m sure it’s just God using them as pawns to fuck us out of yet another dream because He’s obsessed with us remaining renters and in the mainstream where He can put the shittiest, rudest, noisiest neighbors next to us. It’s almost like Maricopa all over again with the fucking lies and delays! Also, I’ve had enough experience to know things wouldn’t change if we suddenly were in the house right now. Instead, something else would just fuck with us if the lenders themselves didn’t come up with some new load of bullshit to hit us with.

Meanwhile, we’re giving them one more day to build a case against themselves with more lies, delays, bullshit and whatever, then Wednesday we’ll be contacting a lawyer for damn sure. All I want is our money back. I do NOT want this house anymore. They have destroyed my dream and taken any excitement and fun that may’ve been left. The problem is God not only loves to see to it that we’re denied our dreams, He loves to protect our perps, too. So I worry that no matter how many lies and false promises we have documented we won’t get our money back. Still, we’ve got to try.

I looked at rentals and right off the bat, I found a gorgeous condo for rent in Fair Oaks. It’s even nicer than the luxury house we were supposed to get, though Tom doesn’t think so, in many ways and for just $800 it’s fully loaded with a stackable washer/dryer, dishwasher and garbage disposal. There’s also a pool. Yes, I know it will be noisy as hell, but I don’t care anymore. I’m tired of tiny dumps! It will be worth the noise to have a little comfort and space in our lives for a change. It’s a 2-bed, 2-bath that’s about twice as big as this trailer. After living so shabbily for so long I don’t care if little kids go running and screaming overhead, or if college kids blast music below us. That’s what sound machines are for. It’s a ground-level unit actually, so we wouldn’t hear anything below us. Just upstairs and next door, and of course there’d be the weekly outside landscaping, but fine. The place is too modern, spacious and nice to care after living like bums for so long. Tom will be taking Wednesday and Thursday off so we can deal with lawyers and trying to get into this place if it’s still vacant by the time we call them. Because we’re all packed and have a lot of money and good credit, we should be able to move in right away.

I blame myself just as much as I blame these shit lenders who suddenly don’t know what the fuck they’re doing now that they’re dealing with Tom and Jodi, despite their rave reviews. I knew damn well we weren’t meant to own. You don’t lose two places in a row if anything up there wants you owning. Why did I think 9 years of renting would suddenly change that? But it’s OKAY. We’ll just get our money back and rent something decent. There are still far more advantages to renting than owning and the space in the condo is more reasonable for us anyway.

Tom filled Jesse in and let him know I’d be sleeping in. I’ll probably sleep till noon. Then anytime after that (if it hasn’t occurred yet) we’ll find out what the latest line of bullshit is that they come up with. Either way, we’re going to sue or sell!

Supposedly we’re on for getting the keys tomorrow and moving on Tuesday, but I’ll believe it when I see it. These aren’t friends or people I’ve known for years with nothing to gain by lying to me. These are complete strangers. High-rated business or not, I don’t simply take the word of people I don’t know. Especially when they’ve fallen back on their word 3 times already.

Tammy left a VM with encouraging words, saying we will get the house. I hope so, but if we’re still meant to be renters, we won’t be staying here. That much I do know.

They really piss me the fuck off cuz we’ve been seriously inconvenienced by their incompetence yet no one seems to give a shit as long as they’re not affected by it. I just don’t understand why so many people are so damn dumb and can’t simply do their jobs. Holidays or not, lack of workers or not, people are so damn dumb that I’m almost ashamed and embarrassed for them. Do most people’s brains just not fully develop or something? Typical or not I still feel like something up there is determined to make things hard for us at times. All they had to do was just wire the fucking money and give us the keys. That’s all they had to do. How hard is that compared to Tom building computers and writing programs, Tammy gardening and running a business, and me learning other languages and writing books?!

So is Maliheh now contacting me on Ask? I wonder. They referred to me as “boss.” Well, no one’s ever called me that before and the only one I called boss, due to her bossy attitude, was her. Then my sweet but annoying Serbian friend gave me a thumbs-up icon when I PM’d her to ask if she’d sent me anything anonymously, only to turn around afterward and say sorry she couldn’t get back to me right away, but no, she hasn’t.

Oh well. Whoever it is obviously doesn’t want me knowing who they are, though it’s not like they’ve said anything bad. They’re probably just a random follower of one of my blogs cuz they seem to know enough about what’s going on in my life.

There are definitely other Kathy and Adam haters out there cuz they gave me Adam’s FB link, saying he likes to message young girls, etc. I believe that account, which I discovered by accident, was created to keep tabs on me and I’ve already blocked it. Then I get “Please leave my husband alone,” from Kathy herself. Sure thing. I can ignore those who ignore me.

Anyway, who’s doing what online isn’t important. Interesting and curious maybe, but not important. All that’s important right now is that we get the hell into our fucking house or get our money back! I just want to get on with our lives and stop repeating those “lasts.” We weren’t supposed to ever again do laundry here or vacuum or change the rats’ cage. I’m also not supposed to be worrying about the Jes pest waking me up again either, but with my shit luck he’ll be down tomorrow morning, and I’ll have to once again explain to him that we do have his number and that we’ll call him as soon as we learn anything. Talking to most adults is like talking to little kids, I swear!

Later…

So I saw the Jodi Arias movie and wow. She was a true, honest-to-God stalker with the way she followed Travis and took his picture and all that. That was definitely REAL stalking. But even though Travis certainly didn’t deserve what he got, he sure was a real shit with the way he led her on and played with her head so cruelly. Saying they were in a relationship, then referring to it as their “friendship,” then her as a 3-hole wonder. His “dirty little secret.” He deserved at least the beating she gave him.

While I’m sure they threw things in for “entertainment purposes,” I like that they at least had the guts to expose Travis for the gamer that he was. Had it been me it would have been all about me and how horrible only I was. Travis would’ve been portrayed as a saint and a hero. That’s how it was in my case, even though my case was totally different and no one came remotely close to even slapping anyone let alone being killed. But still it was all about me. Me, me, me. Never once did anyone question the “victim’s” credibility.

So it was nice that they showed both sides for once instead of making it seem like the victim was this total perfect saint who never did a damn thing to provoke anyone. I think that sure, there are plenty of totally innocent victims out there. But sometimes people give others a reason (not that they’re responsible for other people’s actions), to treat them less than kindly. Keep teasing or harassing the tiger and it’s eventually going to pounce. Well, we were tormented by our neighbors way back when and we eventually pounced with city complaints and words in journal excerpts. However, I had no way of knowing at the time that they were friends with a pig who would type a threatening letter to add to the “evidence” after getting my prints on it during our little interrogation party.

But Jodi definitely wasn’t set up for anything or retaliated against in any way. She should’ve just dumped the guy, though I can see her kicking his ass a bit first. Maybe it would’ve made Travis think twice the next time he messed with some girl’s head. If anything, though, this may make more guys think – play with your girl’s head and you just might be taken out for it.

If things really played out like in the movie, though I’m not sure it was really premeditated murder. I think she initially went over to his house to try to win him back, but the text message from the other girl is what set her off in the end, turning it into a crime of passion. To me, it was still 1st-degree murder since she knew what she was doing and all that, and I’m ok with her receiving the death penalty, not that I think she’ll get it.

The funny-mean part was where she sent a naked pic of him with “Like what you see?” to his boss. That was definitely going way overboard and nothing I would ever do, but still kinda funny.

When dreams turn into nightmares, one usually needs a backup plan. Throughout the night I thought of what we should do if we don’t get into the house, and at this point, I’m not sure I really even want the house anymore. Their lies and false promises have taken a lot of the excitement out of the whole thing, and as I said before, if we’re getting hell for just trying to get into it, I’d hate to think of how viciously we could be beaten over the head with the place if we actually do get it. Besides, the damn living room alone is as big as this entire trailer and I’d have to live 100 more years to find stuff to fill it with. It’s something like 25x20.

Everyone else is pretty sure it’s just the holidays that have fucked things up and that we’ll still get the keys next week so they can make the money off of us they want to make, but as Tom pointed out when trying to cheer me up, we intend to take advantage of them, in a sense, by paying the loan off real fast. The longer you take to pay off a loan, the more interest you have to pay. A lot of people don’t realize this and the loan companies count on that.

Eileen said she was once in the mortgage business and that these delays happen all the time. I had thought it was just us something was picking on because I’ve never heard similar stories of such headaches and hassles. Well, we’ll find out next week if they’re for real or not.

But what do we do if they’re not? This is what I pondered well into the night last night. I don’t want to stay here even if the Jes pest doesn’t have anyone lined up to take the place. It’s too old, smelly and small, and I can’t stand the shitty Internet connection and the bleach the pest is obsessed with flooding the tanks with every other week or so.

Experience has taught me that we’ll always hear our neighbors whether they’re just beyond the window or the wall. Car doors make up for cabinets and interior doors you hear in attached dwellings. Car stereos make up for house stereos/TVs. Voices replace barking. So since we’re going to hear them whether they’re a wall away or a window away, why not go for a newer, bigger apartment or duplex with an extra room and extra bath? IDK, maybe something’s trying to tell us that renting is economically smarter and safer. We should be able to get something nice enough with pools, fitness rooms and fast interest for around what we pay for this dump. Just something to think about if we’re not meant to be owners.

Later…

Once it cools down a bit more I’m going to go outside and do some running. I’ve been too inactive other than when I’ve been out running errands or packing this place up. There are too many boxes around the treadmill and nowhere to move them to, so I’ll just go outside. I’ll wait another hour when the sun’s almost down but there’s still enough light to see where I’m going in these woods.

This being teased with the house is really pissing me off. It’s putting so many things on hold. We’d just run out of body wash and I figured the timing was perfect cuz we could get new body wash at the new place, but then we had to get our hopes up again for nothing and had to run out and get more. So that’ll be one more thing we’ll have to pack and move. Also, there are things packed away that I didn’t want to have to do without this long and I don’t know where the hell they are. It’s just really fucking frustrating. :(

I slept till 10:30 this morning. Why battle with schedules if there may be no house to move into? Even Tom’s screwing up his schedule. He’s taking a seriously long nap today, but it’s a much-needed and deserved nap.

If we don’t get this house we’ll be here another month or two while we search for an apartment, but at least those are plentiful and pretty easy to get into. Hey, second-best or worst is always easy to get. But it would be a luxury apartment or close to it just like the house would’ve been. Others still think we’re going to get the keys next week, but they’ve let us down too many times for me to buy anything they say.

Today’s the day! Or is it? Well, I didn’t have any bad dreams last night, but I don’t like that it’s already after 3pm in the east and nobody’s heard a thing yet. I’m sick of these people taking a leisurely pace at our expense! I swear that if that money isn’t wired today and those keys aren’t in our hands today we’ll be filing lawsuits like crazy, and I mean like crazy!

If I believed in prayer I’d be down on my knees now, but I know that whatever’s meant to be will be. Just knowing there’s a God up there, or whatever you want to call it, that doesn’t want us to have a home in the first place, is a bit unnerving. I try to tell myself it wouldn’t be this mean to us, but I know better. My childhood alone taught me all about God’s hate or at least His general lack of concern for my well-being.

Meanwhile, I’m so damn nervous and excited! I hope this is it – I really do – but people taught me as much as God has and that’s that you can’t always believe a damn thing they say till you see them put their actions where their mouths are.

The Jes pest’s antsy buzzing around on the ATV is making me a bit nervous too, even though he said he was in no hurry when he came down at 10:00 wanting an update. It’s amazing I don’t have the runs!

Later…

The 5th is coming to an end and we’re still living like bums in someone else’s trashy old trailer. Yeah, I fucking want to kill this loan company about as much as I hate the hell out of God! Every time He lets life and the people in it shit on me to such extreme degrees I think it’s not possible to hate the bastard even more than I already do for allowing us to possibly be out 1 house and possibly over 11K, too. It’s the fucking extremes that keep happening to us.

Everyone keeps telling us they’re “keeping on top of things” and even Tom insists we’ll either get the house or our money back, that these things happen, and that they’re not scammers. They’ve actually been in business for decades and have great ratings. Oh, I don’t doubt they’re competent enough with other people, but as soon as the bastard above sees that it’s Tom and Jodi daring to reach for their dream home, He must, must, must make sure they fuck with us. This is NOT normal. So many people keep telling me these hassles, delays and headaches are “normal” when buying a house, but Andy had no problem getting into his condo and I honestly can’t think of anyone who’s ever gone through this. Trust me, this only happens to us.

I should’ve known better than to bother trying. After losing two places in two states I knew damn well we weren’t meant to ever own again, but I thought we could defy fate and get our way in the end. Wrong. When have I ever been “allowed” to have a dream come true? While I eventually lost interest in my old dreams, they still never had a fighting chance of becoming a reality while they were what I wanted. So why did I think this did? Because it’s a material thing? Well, all that better materialize, if the house doesn’t, is our money back! Oh, but God not only loves to have me fucked over, folks, He also loves to protect my perps. And Tom’s too, as long as he’s married to me. Even though we have signed documents in hand, I’m sure God will find a way for them to win and keep our money if we really don’t get the house next week. And why should I think we will? First it was last week, then today, now it’s Monday or Tuesday, and as far as I’m concerned it’s all bullshit without ever having those keys in our hand.

I’m thankful that Jesse has been such a good sport about this and very understanding. As annoying as he can be, I gotta give him that much credit. The question is whether or not he’s got someone lined up to take this place. If he does then we’ll have to find another rental, cuz if we don’t get the house (and I have no reason to believe we will) I sure as hell won’t ever try to own anything again. I’m not going to struggle for something that simply isn’t meant to be. If we can be “punished” like this just for trying to get into a house, I truly hate to think of what it would have been like for us had we actually gotten it. I’m getting to where I don’t want the fucking house. I don’t want to do business with such incompetent people, God-influenced or not.

The question is where do we go if my worst fears come true? We both agree that if we have to remain in the mainstream, we’ll stick with rural areas. We’ll probably either have to stay here or get another similar dump because renting anything bigger or nicer would be around $1500 a month and I don’t want to spend that much. This state, which we never should’ve moved to, is outrageously expensive. If we can get our money back, another option is to just leave Cali altogether but we don’t want him throwing away such a good job. He makes money most people can only dream of and I’m amazed God even let us have that much in life.

I’m just totally pissed off and a little depressed right now. I could kick myself for trying to see if the grass is greener on the other side. Obviously, it’s not and obviously, this is where we’re meant to be. Hell, we couldn’t even lose the place when our lovely government gave up on us. Maybe I should’ve just been more appreciative of what we do have than what we could have. Yeah, the Internet sucks shit. It’s slow and unreliable. But it’s the Internet nonetheless. Some people don’t even have that much in life. And yeah, Jesse’s a pest at times. But he’s still a sufficient enough landlord, we know the guy, and he knows us. And yeah, the place is small and old. But it’s better than being homeless. So here we’ll stay and after work on Monday, after what will no doubt be another round of false promises (this time it was about being short-staffed cuz of the holiday), Tom will file suit and hope to hell we can get the money back. It was too late in the day on a Friday for any kind of claims to be made today.

It’s gonna be a long, depressing weekend trying to wrap my head around the fact that this was all one big joke on us, but I will bring myself to unpack next week, clean the place up, and life will go on. It really will! Even if that means we’ve been put out big time and have to now deal with calling the propane people out and ugh! I don’t even want to think about it right now. I just want to take the weekend off from thinking about hopeless dreams, God’s hate for us that I can’t even begin to fathom, and the whole damn thing. There is still a lot of good to renting and it won’t kill us to keep on doing it. Even the poor rats were put out by my daring to dream cuz I put them in a smaller cage. But they were only supposed to be cramped in there for a day or two. Tomorrow I’ll set back up the bigger cage for them.

Some people are allowed to get their dream home and my sister’s one of them. She showed me pics of her place. It’s very rustic but stylish looking. That big old dog of hers looks a bit scary, though!

Today sure is a helluva lot better than yesterday was! I’m not as pissed at whatever’s up there, but I still worry it’s going to mess with us at the new place. That’s ok, though. I’d rather things go wrong there than here, and “there” is exactly where we’re going tomorrow!

When Tom didn’t get a reply from Brenda yesterday evening when he emailed her asking about the keys, we figured she’d already taken off for the holiday. Turns out she replied right after he crashed, which was early as usual. She said we’d get the keys on Friday as soon as the wire transfer went through! So this is our last day here! It BETTER be anyway, cuz if there are any more delays I swear we’ll sue!

It gets better. When Tom was going through the kitchen drawer he found one of the gas gift cards from the camping prize pack I won a while back. He figured there were just a few cents on it but when he checked online he found it had $100! So once we get to the new place we get about a month of free gas! I hadn’t even been up for an hour and already the day was going great! I updated my closest buddies, of course, like Andy and Nane.

Yesterday I was so bummed out to think we might not get out of here till next week and I even said to Tom, “I should’ve known whatever’s up there was just out to scare us a couple of years ago and that it wouldn’t really drive us to our deaths. Like we could ever lose a place we didn’t want to be in?”

Then when I woke up tired at 7am this morning, it sucked to know I had to get up early for at least 4 more days. But tomorrow I can sleep in cuz it may not be till 5pm when he gets here with the truck and keys. There are 3 places he can go in case the first one doesn’t have a truck available. He thinks it will take 2 hours to load and 2 to unload. I think it’ll take 3 to load and 2 to unload.

I can’t wait to have so much space and two bathrooms! I can’t wait to have a fast Internet connection, too! Nothing good comes easy to us and we may always have to fight for things, but we do get them in the end. Most of them anyway.

I can’t wait to be able to go back to work. Gonna get back into sweeping, work the Turk, and get on with my writing. I know I could’ve done my writing anywhere, even here with a shitty connection, but it was just too hard to focus on anything but getting out of here.

Now it’s time to get on with our lives and on to new worries for me, like will I be able to sleep ok there? Will it be as peaceful as I hope it is during the daytime? I’m still nervous as I am excited. It’s going to take time getting used to being surrounded by so many people after years of being isolated in the woods.

Tom just came in to say that instead of getting the connection that’s 30 times faster, the one we’re getting (at least for the first few months when it’s cheapest) is 80 times faster. OMG! Don’t know what time this shit connection’s going to be shut down tomorrow, but if it’s earlier, and if I don’t get a chance to check in from the new place, I’ll do so as soon as I can.

It’s so cool to finally have a date and know that tonight will be the last time we sleep here. Tomorrow will be the last time I shower here. That is as long as the propane doesn’t run out. We haven’t heard the tank fire up in days now which probably means it’s on its way out.

I’ll probably be too excited to sleep that late, so as soon as I can I’ll jump up and do the last-minute preparations. I can’t wait!

Meanwhile, I’ll just read, listen to music, and enjoy the last of the groceries we picked up this morning.

Later…

Although I would never want to be the guy’s friend again any more than Kevin’s “Nervous” if he were still alive, I tried looking up Fran P, a crazy guy I knew back in Springfield. I just get curious at times as to who’s doing what and where. But it was like the guy didn’t exist. Because he was crazy, crazy enough to throw a glass bottle at a cruiser as he told me he once did, I figured there was a possibility he could be in prison.

Maybe even for rape. During the brief time Andy lived with me in my Springfield apartment back in the early 90s, he was out somewhere when Fran started getting a little too close for comfort. Suddenly Andy came in from wherever he’d been and I found myself feeling a sense of relief I’d never before felt with Fran even though I’d been alone with him enough times in the past. Who knows how far he’d have gone if Andy hadn’t come in when he did, though I probably could’ve fought the crazy fuck off.

Oh, the people I would be quick to be friends with back then. It seems like I’d be anyone’s friend. I had zero discrimination. But eventually, people taught me just how phony and cruel they can be and I became picky about who I’d associate with. Had I met Fran and Nervous in my late 20s, there’s no way in hell I’d bother with them.

Anyway, tomorrow’s the day Fran died back in 2011, though I don’t know why. He was 48, just a year older than me. I don’t miss him and I don’t feel bad that he died relatively young, but I definitely settled my curiosity.

Didn’t write yesterday cuz I was just too stressed out and couldn’t focus much on anything. I didn’t even do much proofreading. Instead, I ended up watching a total of 3 movies on YouTube. If the resolution is low enough, even those of us out in the country can stream them.

I stressed up such an appetite that after Tom grabbed some KFC at the end of the day, I ended up eating 4 pieces of chicken (legs), a side of mac-n-cheese, a biscuit and a cookie.

If we don’t get the keys to our new home today we just may go from comfortable to rich cuz we’ll sue the shit out of this loan company if we have to. We double-checked and the BBB lists them as top-notch, so we’ll see. We may not be able to move till tomorrow if we get the keys too late to get a truck today, but the 3rd is what’s on the paperwork everyone signed, so we’ll see. We don’t see why they’d want to cost themselves more money and back out at this point, but if they do they have to pay us back every dime we spent and I am NOT starting the process all over again! If it turns out that this is where we’re meant to spend our lives, so be it. We’ve lived like bums in other people’s dives for nearly a decade now, so it’s nothing new.

I knew it, though. I knew the bastard above would do everything He could to stall and delay the move; I just didn’t know it’d be this late in the process. I don’t understand why anything up there would not want us to have a decent home to live in. We’re not murderers. We got the place honestly. So what is its problem??? Why is it so important to whatever’s trying to hold us back that we live so poorly?

Yesterday I feared history was trying to repeat itself. It just got a little too Maricopa-like with the delays and then the fear of someone coming to turn our lives in our new home into a living nightmare once we finally got there just like 14 years ago. But there’s no way this is going to take 4 months because this is a totally different situation. We’re not waiting on land permits and dealing with wells, septics and utilities. Also, we haven’t had any black people close enough to us to play the race card and make us victims of reverse discrimination in any way, so I guess the worst that could happen is that the loaners call it off and we continue to live in this undersized dump. But nothing up there hates us that much, right? Right? Well, we should know in just a matter of hours.

Later…

I am so fucking pissed and right now I really, REALLY hate holidays, weekends, lenders, realtors, and most of all – God. The same old God who could’ve seen to it that things ran smoothly for us yet chooses to sit back and let all kinds of delays keep us trapped here and out of the new home we so richly deserve. Funny thing too, cuz a friend of mine said she prayed for things to continue to go as planned and on schedule. Well, once again it just goes to prove there either is no God, or He has it in for some of us. That’s ok, though, we’ll eventually beat the bastard at His own game. Still, I cringe when someone says they’ve prayed for me cuz I know that chances are that will only make things worse for me. If my theory is correct, then the mere mention of my name is only going to get Him going even more (in a bad way).

I’m not good with explaining the process of buying homes and knowing what words and terms to use when it comes to money, financing, interest rates and lenders. I just don’t get that stuff like Tom does. So even though what he says makes sense when he’s explaining it to me, afterward I’m like, what the fuck was that all about? What did he say about this, this and that? My territory is basically writing and languages, not numbers and money.

But to try to explain what’s going on as best as I can, although they screwed up by putting the 3rd on the paperwork, the 3 days they legally have by law from when our money was sent and we signed the escrow papers, didn’t start the day the papers were actually signed. What this means is that they have until Friday (since tomorrow’s a fucking holiday) to wire the funds to the park and escrow people. Even worse is that we’re not sure we can get the keys the same day, and since the next day is the weekend, we could very well be looking at being stuck here until Monday. Then who knows what further delays there could be? I just know that I won’t believe we’re getting out of here till we actually receive the damn keys. Right now I can’t trust or believe a damn thing anyone tells us. If they don’t pay up by Friday, then we legally have a claim against them and can begin filing suit. I’ve always wanted to sue someone, almost as much as I’ve wanted to win the lottery. The problem is I don’t want to go through the hell I’d have to go through in order to have a case in the first place.

“We were given up on by the system and left for dead,” Tom reminded me, referring to the fall of 2011, “but we fought back, beat the system, and we WILL get this house no matter how frustrating the delays may be.”

Damn right we will! I won’t hesitate to sue if need be. I swore I’d never let what happened in Arizona scare me out of doing what’s right. If you fuck with me, believe me when I say I’ll have you beating your head in the wall so damn fast, muttering, “Why the hell did I bother with her?” I won’t care what your color is, what your job is, or how much money you have either.

I won’t know until Thursday night or when I awake on Friday morning if we’re getting the keys that day. Yeah, they’re back. The worthless dream premonitions are back. I figured they would be sooner or later. Again, we may have dry patches, but we don’t dry up altogether. The reason I call them worthless is that that’s exactly what they are. Whether I have a dream about something destined to come true a week in advance or a day in advance, it doesn’t change whatever’s fated to be. I don’t remember the details of last night’s dreams; just talk of delays. I didn’t want to write about it at first, thinking maybe if I wrote about it I’d really jinx it into happening, though deep down I knew better. Still, I kept hoping all day I’d be wrong, though I did email Tom and let him know what the “dream people” said. I knew, though, that we wouldn’t get the keys today. I just didn’t “feel” them, if that makes any sense. I try to ask myself if I can see myself doing/receiving a certain thing and I find that I can usually go by that. Well, I just couldn’t see us getting the keys and I didn’t feel us moving today at all.

I was reading a book about a psychic like me who spoke of learning to tell which dreams were just dreams and which ones meant something, and she described them as being those that stick with her that usually have meaning of some kind, and I swear I myself could’ve written that book.

I also saw a movie based on actual events about a psychic who has visions of murder and later went to work for the PD. So she’s a different kind of a psychic than I am, but we all learn things about our abilities over time. Our strengths, weaknesses, limits and more. Most of my dream premonitions are usually negative things, and they usually happen within 72 hours of the dreams, some as little as 12 or less. Every now and then I’ll have dreams that I don’t know are actual signs as to what’s going to happen in the future, but those are usually the positive things.

Anyway, while things could be much, much worse, all these delays really suck shit. Not just for obvious reasons – big reasons – but the little things as well. Now I have to battle my schedule even longer, which is getting increasingly harder to control. I’m also falling out of shape because boxes are stacked around my treadmill and there’s no room to use it, so I try to do some floor exercises with what little space I can find.

I just hope I’m not going to end up regretting this whole ordeal. I know we deserve it and have earned it, but something up there obviously thinks otherwise. Something with a helluva lot more power and control than we’ve got. Still, I hope I don’t regret it. I don’t like it but I’ve lived in tiny dumps for nearly a decade now. It’s nothing new. If we don’t end up getting this house for some reason, this is where we’re staying for the rest of our lives. At that point, unless Jesse evicts us, I’m not going anywhere.

They’re going to reimburse us for days not spent in the house, and this shit hasn’t cost us money yet, but it very well could end up doing just that. If this keeps dragging on we’ll need more propane, and sooner or later, Jesse’s going to ask for money.

Getting more convinced that something up there is doing all it can possibly do to delay the move. Now we’re supposedly not moving till tomorrow, but I’ll believe it when I see it. I’m waiting till the end of the day to shower in case we run out of propane. I wouldn’t want to deal with the horrible stench alone cuz then Tom couldn’t simply run out and grab a 5-gallon tank’s worth. It better not come to that! Then we’d be losing money to this shit. Why must people be so damn incompetent?! Why can’t they just do their fucking jobs?! They’re paying us for every lost day in the park, but what happens if we exceed the 5th, which is the day we put in writing for Jesse that we’d be out of here by?

And why was the Arizona Supreme Court in my blog yesterday? Should I be worried? I guess I’m not as worried as I would be if the pigs were in it, but then again I refuse to worry either way. I don’t live in Arizona and I haven’t done anything wrong. My Estrella Jail bio entry, which has been there for years, has been hit a lot lately in various states and even some other countries which I figured was due to the Jodi Arias trial making headlines so often. We have the same name, we spell it the same way, and we were in the same jail.

But the Supreme Court? Was it just a bored or curious employee? I don’t see how it could be anyone gearing up to make trouble for me cuz wouldn’t it be civil or criminal court and not the Supreme Court? It was just a little strange because I worry about God sending someone to fuck with us and turn our lives in our new home into a living nightmare like He did in Maricopa, but I’m not too worried about it. I’m too smart to let the law railroad me, and unless they literally kicked their way in, dragged me into jail, and held me there, no one’s getting me into any kind of court no matter how many warrants or subpoenas may be out there. From what I can tell, though, there are no warrants out for my arrest or anything like that.

I still wonder out of curiosity, though; how did they get to my blog and what were they looking for? It was the only entry they accessed and no time registered on the counter.

Ugh, damn my perps for making me so paranoid!

I’m so fucking pissed right now I could scream! But we knew things would go wrong sooner or later. Well, it’s actually not that they’re going wrong so much is that they’re being delayed. Now we can’t get out of here till tomorrow or Wednesday, cuz the loan people need the signed and notarized papers before they can transfer the money. They’ll be sending us a check for any days not spent in the park this month, which is good, but what’s not good is that it just adds more waiting time for us. Just like with Maricopa, I wonder if something up there is trying to stop us, and if so, why? To protect us from something bad, or to keep us from something good?

Well, we’re guaranteed to be out of here by Wednesday at the latest cuz that’s the max date on the paperwork. It’d cost them a helluva lot of money if it went beyond the 3rd, not to mention that Tom and I would be suing them silly if they kept adding all these little delays. Tom was smart enough to tell Jesse we’d be out by the 5th, giving us that extra cushion we did need after all.

It’s still a bummer, not just because we’ve been anxious to get into our new home, but because we now have to move after Tom’s worked all day (though he’ll probably be able to get off early), and I have to battle with my schedule even longer. I’m glad we won’t lose any money over this and that at worst it’s just another hassle and inconvenience sent from above to annoy the shit out of us for daring to upgrade to better living quarters. The living quarters it never thought we deserved no matter how hard we work or how bad life shits on us.

I was telling Andy how quiet it’s been here, which is typical of right before we leave a place for some reason, and how we haven’t even heard the Harley, but sure enough, the Jes pest is back at the hammering again this morning. Fortunately, we can’t hear it indoors because we’ve got the cooler and fans blaring due to the heat.

If history repeats itself and whoever we end up next to is quiet, within a year they’ll either get noisy or they’ll move and noisy neighbors will replace them. I’m just glad that they can’t be noisy in a mainstream kind of way! I know I’m not going to have to listen to 12 hours of barking, 5-hour basketball games with kids screaming just outside our windows, and loud car stereos coming and going, and of course the rowdy barbecue parties, too. But I still expect some distractions in the way of car doors slamming, mutts barking by when they’re being walked, landscaping, etc. Hopefully nothing too distracting. Remember, I do work at home. I just hope I can sleep there! That’s the most important thing. So I’m still nervous and excited at the same time, but for today I’m pissed and impatient.

Later…

Since we’re not going anywhere today, we decided to get out and enjoy a little retail therapy and fast food. I tried their bourbon bacon burger at Carl’s Jr. and it was ok. A little tangy, but ok.

We browsed through a dollar store nearby where I got rose-scented air freshener. Rose isn’t my favorite scent but it’s something different that I haven’t had in a while so I grabbed a bottle. We also got a couple of small scented soap dispensers for the bathrooms in the new house if we can ever get into it.

As always, I tried on perfume testers both at the dollar store and CVS where we went next. There I got new soft pink slippers and a pink cap with silvery sequins. I’m not big on hats, but since I’ll be out more often I thought it would be nice to have and it really is pretty, too. I saw these caps a couple of years ago and liked them then but was too broke to get one at the time.

But now we still have over 8K in all our accounts and a home we can’t get into yet even though the down payment was a little more than expected at 11K. Even so, we’ve been looking to get a second vehicle and checked out various options online. You can even get an old U-Haul for just 2-3 grand. But we were thinking more along the lines of the 1997 Mercedes Benz we saw for 4K. We don’t want anything appealing to thieves, though one that old shouldn’t be. I don’t know for sure that that’s what we’ll get.

Being the nail polish addict that I am, I got a few new shades in bright reddish-orange, mint green, and sparkly pink. Lastly, I got one of those spinners with a clear crystal and a pink crystal that you hang outside.

Before we take off for Home Depot, Target and the pet store for more bedding for the rats, I’m sitting here wondering if tonight will be the last night we ever sleep in this little old trailer. I hope so! They’ve now decided it’s to be 111° in Citrus Heights on Monday. That’d call for one hot move, but it's worth it to move into what will be our home for the next 15 years at the very least. We’re hoping to get the keys by early afternoon tomorrow. Absolute worst-case scenario (since they have the paperwork marked till the 3rd at the latest) is that we move after work on Wednesday. We don’t want to move on Thursday cuz that’s when the parade is going on.

For now, there’s not much else to do other than tie up loose ends and keep on waiting. Just remember that if you’re a friend that I regularly keep in touch with, it could be a few days before I have a chance to get back to you or pick up email and things like that. We should be online pretty much right away, but we expect to be busy settling in and getting to know the place. So just be patient! I won’t forget about you.

Later…

Went out to look at things at Home Depot and get ideas for shades for the bedroom and other things like locks/knobs, ceiling fans for the bedroom, flooring, carpet, etc.

Then we went to the pet store for bedding, but it wasn’t open so we got some from Target, which was our next stop. We got a couple of days of groceries and some more storage bins in 3 different sizes to pack the final odds and ends in. Love the clear ones so we can see what’s in each one without having to not only open them up but also dig through them to see what’s toward the bottom.

Brought in some packing peanuts we had in the shed to pack things like my delicate all-porcelain ballerinas, and next, I’ll clean the smaller cage in the tub, then hose down the big cage. We felt it’d be easier to move them to the smaller cage, even though these humongous rats probably won’t like being stuck in it for a few days. I’ll let them run around loose for exercise like I usually do anyway.

I’m amazed at how many questions I’m still getting on Ask. A few questions, particularly the one about wondering what’s the point of living, and whether or not to confront a friend who wrote that they’re lazy and whiny, seems Aly-ish, but I’m not going to ask her. I figure if it was her and if she wanted to identify herself, she would have.

Anyway, sure enough, we’ve had some delays and now we won’t be getting the fucking keys to our new house till next week. We’re waiting on documents that have been overnighted and need signing, and Brenda has some disclosure forms for us to sign. We don’t know what, though, since we already signed those (no one died there).

Is this where things start going wrong? I asked myself yesterday. Then when we finally do get in does God set the stage for enough things to break to drain our savings, then have him laid off so we can struggle really badly and maybe even lose the place? Well, we’ve got a 1-year warranty for even things as small as a drippy pipe/faucet, and seeing that business is always booming where he works and they just asked him to start a new job there that pays more, I think we’ll be ok. Can’t guarantee that I’ll get as much sleep and peace there as I’d like, but we’ll soon find out.

Our monthly expenses should come to around $1200 a month excluding gas and food. Once the place is paid off, it should be closer to around $900. We now owe 19 grand on the loan. How fast we pay that off will depend on OT, what money I make online, and what I can win.

Escrow has been signed and closed and Brenda took the sellers to do their signing, too. Everything must be precisely worded and in order. Many people refer to these types of homes as trailers or mobile homes and that’s technically incorrect. The correct terms are manufactured homes or modular homes, which are built like on-site homes and don’t have taillights and whatnot on them like the trailer we’re in now does. It’s been taken off its wheels and its steel frame sits on concrete blocks, but this is still a definite trailer. It would blow away in a heartbeat once the first monsoon storm hit the area if it were on our old land in Maricopa, as opposed to the 42,000-pound manufactured home we had on it.

I think they were also confused at first cuz they asked if our new home had already been set up and strapped down (those 3’ screws I already explained). Well, our home isn’t strapped, it’s grounded, but trust me when I say that on the windiest day of all, she ain’t going anywhere.

When it’s super windy here you can feel this place shudder. Arizona would toss this old heap of shit around like it was a toy.

The good thing is that the escrow people will pay for any days after the first that we’re not in our new home. We were also able to cancel the U-Haul without being charged and decided we’ll just spontaneously grab one on Monday, Tuesday at the latest. It sucks that we couldn’t start bringing shit over there (particularly bulky and breakable stuff) over the weekend, but going out of here in one big sweep isn’t that big of a deal. It’s just harder to move from a small place. We’re practically climbing over shit here. There’s no rain in the forecast, so we might move some stuff out onto the porch that’s sealed up in plastic containers.

So it’s just an annoying waiting game we have to play as we’ll be pretty much grounded all weekend, unable to do much but maybe go through the shed and sort through some more things out there and try to organize shit overall as best we can with what little space we have to do it in. I really want to just get the hell over there so we can have fun setting up and enjoying being back on cable for the first time since 2007! Then I can move on to new worries and wonder if I’ll be able to sleep well there and if there’ll be more daytime distractions than I’d like for when I’m up and about. Now would be the perfect time to dive into their pool, but no, we gotta be stuck here over the weekend. I’m dying to dive into their fitness room too, and take advantage of most of their amenities.

It’s to be 105° up here on Monday and 110° where we’re moving to. I hope Nane isn’t back from Spain yet seeing that it’s 55° and raining today in Munich, LOL.

Today’s Tom’s 56th birthday and hopefully it will be celebrated by getting the keys to our new house. If worse comes to absolute worse, we get the keys on Monday and we move out in one clean sweep instead of making half a dozen or so runs over the weekend before renting the truck for the big stuff on Monday as planned.

Damn! Just damn! I never thought this day would come. For years I told myself it would never happen because that’s what I truly believed. But I was wrong. Very wrong.

Anyway, I’m glad I took Tom’s advice and slept a little later. I needed it. I was all wound up from the excitement and had trouble falling asleep. Besides, what good would getting up really early do us when nothing’s open then and we can’t do anything anyway? Tom woke up early cuz he too, is super excited.

Even if we get the keys today, we probably won’t be sleeping at the new place till tomorrow night at the earliest.

Right now we’re changing addresses on some of our online accounts, but I won’t change my town on Facebook till we actually get to it.

Tom’s looking at a new job at work that will call for less OT and more money, but that’s all I can say about that right now. Other than that the hours will be more stable and it involves working more on computers than overseeing warehouse activities.

The only thing I’m a bit concerned with right now is that Kathy hasn’t notified us yet to say they received the final loan document they’re waiting on, and this could pose a potential delay in getting in the house and cause us (as well as others) all kinds of headaches. Let’s hope things continue to run on time!

I’m both nervous and excited to get the move done and over with. I just hope that living there won’t be too much like an apartment complex without the apartments. In the apartments I had back east they pretty much mowed in the summer and shoveled in the winter and that was it. But in the Arizona apartments, there was always, always something going on and a lot more activity. It was a climate thing, of course, but this is a nice climate, too. I just hope there isn’t too much activity going on there, though I think most of it will still be confined to the pool and clubhouse. I sure hope so anyway! They may come around every now and then with a street sweeper, but there are no sidewalks to blow or heavy landscaping to do. Still, I just want to get it over with and see what it’s really going to be like there.

Someone asked if there was any particular event that caused me not to believe in prayer, but nope. It was an accumulation of unanswered prayers that made me a non-believer. Not being granted a singing career (I still can’t believe I ever wanted to do that) was one thing, but what was really depressing and a scary eye-opener was when I was denied a child. It was then that I came to believe that it didn’t matter if what I asked for was off the wall or “normal.” It just had to be me asking for it and it was automatically forbidden.

I’d heard it said that if we prayed for what was fair, right, reasonable and correct, we would receive our request. Was a child not “correct?” Well, perhaps it wouldn’t have been the more I came to value my life and my freedom. After having to deal with other people’s screaming kids for so long I came to realize the value of peace. I also admit I got a bit selfish, not wanting to give up my life to something that would take from us more than it could ever give. You puke your guts out when you get pregnant, you gain a million pounds, you go through a world of pain having it, you get depressed afterward, and then you are swamped with nothing but constant noise and expenses with barely 5 minutes for yourself. Did I really want that? No, I didn’t. But that wasn’t the point. The point was that I had prayed for something that was supposed to be natural and that was when a cold hard reality began to sink in; that either nothing was listening to me, or it simply didn’t give a shit about me.

“Eh, it just wasn’t meant to be,” someone told me.

“But then why pray? If things are either meant to be or not meant to be, why pray?”

But I was stubborn and not ready to give up just yet on the idea of getting God to like/accept me and to give me what I wanted too, even though just the mother He had me born to was enough to tell me otherwise. I prayed for a child. He gave me a miscarriage. I prayed for help with my weight. I now struggle with 30 extra pounds. I prayed that the move from Oregon to Cali would go smoothly. He led us to the streets. I prayed that Tom not be one of the 10% to become unemployed back in 2008. He gave him years of unemployment. And so I quit talking to myself and let fate/destiny play itself out the way it was meant to be anyway. This doesn’t mean I won’t put effort into achieving the things I want in life, it just means that I know I’m on my own. If I’m going to get any of these things it will be because of me only, and if anyone does help me, they’ll walk on two legs just like I do. No, I’m not going to leave my weight to fate. I’m still going to try to diet and exercise and hope my body responds to it. If not then only a doctor can help me. Not any God.

Not one single blessing in my life, from Tom to our new home or from my writing/language abilities to our income has been prayed for. Every good thing I got in life was simply meant to be and I never had to ask for it. They may’ve taken work to achieve, but the point is that I’ve learned that praying doesn’t necessarily equal good things coming my way any more than it means being able to ward off or change bad things that happen. If I’m meant to have something, I’ll get it, and I won’t get what I’m not meant to have either. I know this and I know no prayers are necessary either, but as always, to each their own.

Later…

The Supreme Court ruling that DOMA is unconstitutional yesterday was a great thing. But when will gays be able to marry in every state???

Believe it or not, I’ve got about 90% of this place packed up now, including the mouse that fell prey to the sticky board under the sink. Yeah, he’s been bagged and sent to the outside trash bin. He was so cute, but oh the smell and the turds!

At first I thought the brown paper lunch bags he never used that he got a while back were a waste, but I find them great for mugs, glasses and other breakables.

Had a little scare this morning with the cooler. It was dripping off the roof and I’m thinking, Oh fucking no! Can’t shit just wait 3 more days to break? But Tom climbed up and checked it and said it overflowed a bit but wasn’t leaking. We’ve got triple-digit temps coming up, so it better fucking work!

Guess I’ll go pack and proofread some more and hope there are no delays. We really need them to call with the final numbers so we can make the damn down payment, sign the escrow papers that are set to close tomorrow, and go home!

The people in our house are gone now and I’m getting more emotional (in a good way) as the days begin to melt down into just hours. I think, OMG, this is almost it! Unless a meteorite strikes us dead, a U-Haul is really going to take our perfectly live bodies out of here and not some coroner in a couple of body bags as what came so, so terrifyingly close to being the case.

It must’ve been a sad day for Gene and Audrey, the people we bought the house from. I feel a twinge of sadness for them knowing they’re going into an assisted living apartment just to begin the end of their lives while I’m thinking, OMG, our new home is now sitting there empty just waiting for us and a couple of cute rats!

What I saw in here earlier made me think of going petless once these rats go so we can use the bug plug that emits a high-frequency pitch at the new place. It was the biggest spider I’ve ever seen in the 6 years we’ve been in Cali! I went into the bathroom, parked my ass on the toilet, then sort of glanced upwards. And then I saw it. My vision is so shitty I can’t distinguish small objects, but this thing was SO big that I instantly knew what it was. I shot up from that toilet so fucking fast. I hated to have to run underneath the thing to escape it, and of course you can imagine that trying to pull up your panties while running isn’t an easy thing. I woke poor Tom up to kill it that’s how huge and scary the damn thing was. Its guts are mashed all over the ceiling. If it weren’t for the fact that we’ll be out of here in a few days I’d scrub it off.

That nocturnal nightmare was compliments of the two days of rain we’ve had. We had more rainfall in the last two days than in nearly a year! It was amazing and so hard to believe it was late June and not late fall. We haven’t needed the cooler for two days, and it was also hard to believe that in just a few days we’d be in for triple digits. It’ll be 85° today, then 95°, then over 100°. Today, if I remember, I’ll shoot some of the ugliest exterior pics so we can all laugh at how we had to live for so long, though for the longest time, it wasn’t funny at all.

Tom scheduled the cable to be turned on on Friday. No more shitty slow DSL!!! Woo-hoo!!! And yes, we really are going home!!!

If there is a God up there that picks and chooses what happens to us and if things really do happen for a “reason” and He gets it in mind to beat someone over the head with money, I’ll be damned if it’ll be us. We can’t guarantee we’ll never get cancer or anything like that, but we’re going to always do everything we can to see to it that we never end up back in the poorhouse. But even though he makes a lot of money and the dream premonitions have backed off almost completely, a “bad” money dream would still scare the shit out of me. Once you’ve had just half of the dream premonitions I’ve had you can never ever return to assuming a nightmare was just a nightmare. Psychics go dormant at times. We don’t go away.

The only thing that could delay us is that the loan lady is waiting on one final document. She expects it today, though, and I hope she gets it! We don’t want to have to pay the Jes pest for OT spent here AND the park.

Ok, gotta get packing some more shit. Damn, it’s tough with so little space, but fun! Totally worth it. I think I’ll bag up some of the clothes we don’t wear as much and toss them in some cheap trash bags we got for cans and bottles.

Beat the alarm by 3 minutes and learned that Mark’s surgery went well. They didn’t find anything they believed to be cancerous. But he’s still got his heart, a much bigger issue, to contend with.

Got another super busy day ahead, so I’ve got to make this quick. Amazingly, it rained all day yesterday. It was great. It shut the Jes pest up and made sleeping better. It’s going to rain throughout the morning too, the pest’s prime time. Like I said, though, I’m mostly on days now, so he can’t wake me up. He shouldn’t even be able to annoy me much when I am awake since he certainly won’t be re-roofing or bulldozing anytime soon while the ground is still wet. I’m so glad I’ll never have to hear that insanely loud dozer again!

Tom checks online every day to see if they’ve disconnected their cable so we can get it set up in our name, but nope, not yet. So someone’s still there. That’s no real surprise since they said they would be out by the 28th.

I first want to say that yesterday’s rant about the reverse discrimination running rampant in this country that no one seems to care about, and my lack of trust in God and belief in prayer wasn’t meant to sway anyone’s opinion one way or the other. You’re all welcome to have a mind of your own. Remember, I’m selfish. :) Meaning that I write for myself first and foremost. You readers are just an afterthought, so to speak. I’m going to say what I’ve got to say regardless of whether it’s the “norm” or things others can relate to or not simply because that’s part of what keeping a journal is all about. It’s about documenting one’s life, thoughts, feelings, opinions and beliefs, not about trying to change others. If someone happens to be influenced by anything I’ve written, however, then so be it. I can’t control the world or help what people are going to think or do. I kind of see journaling as I do walking down the street in my favorite shirt. Some will like it. Some won’t. Some won’t even notice. But I like it and that’s all that matters with no offense or persuasion intended.

Having fun making people wait on me on Ask. Nothing from Kathy today, but I got a few questions that might be from Kim. They asked if I had a lot of online friends, if I like getting email, and if I know anyone named Carol. Well, she has a sister Carol, and the other two questions seem like questions she’d ask. Just when I thought she’d forgotten about me.

We went to Walgreens yesterday to take advantage of our AARP discount. You get $10 just for signing up, so the sculpted dog I got was basically free. Getting older has its advantages, though I’m 3 years shy of my own AARP membership. It’s a very realistic-looking sculpt, which I like as opposed to cartoonish-looking things. It’s an Irish Setter holding a ‘welcome’ sign in its mouth.

“Only they’re not welcome,” Tom joked.

LOL, he’s got a point there as funny as it may sound. I’m no social butterfly. I’ll still be seeing a lot more people than I have been when I’m out and about; just not at home. I can’t wait to go swimming!!! It may be a week or two before we finally have the time to do that, but this is a great time of year to be moving. I’d hate to move in December and know I had to wait 5 months or so before I could swim.

The house isn’t as big as we thought it was, according to the appraisers and inspectors. It’s 56’ long by 24’ wide, which comes to 1344 square feet, not that that’s not more than enough room for us. The master bedroom alone is 12x20.

Tom said Jesse was blasting music on Saturday that couldn’t be heard in here. Every time he went outside, though, he could tell he was listening to a Bruce Springsteen concert. He could hear him talking in between songs. His kid is probably there now. Someone’s been there keeping the mutts quiet for the last half a year or so. I’m surprised we never heard his music before. Tom said he thinks he kept it down in the past so as not to annoy us. Well, that’s nice cuz his vehicles, power tools and mutts were certainly more than enough.

We’ve been having amazingly cool weather for June. Although I prefer it hot, it’s better for sleeping. It was nice to be able to shut the bedroom door and window and not have to wear my eye mask when I crashed yesterday afternoon. They say we’re on for rain and sun today and just rain tomorrow, but I’ll believe it when I see it. It’d be awesome if it would rain really hard if only for an hour because then the Jes pest won’t be as likely to do anything down here before we leave, particularly bulldozing and re-roofing. Oh, the work that guy’s gonna have to do in here with all the damn drippy faucets alone! I’m sure he’ll want to balance the doors, too. He may not care that the bathroom door flops open, but he’ll definitely care that I’ve had to make a hook on the wall to keep the bedroom door from flopping shut. Oh, to soon be able to place a door halfway open and see it stay there! The next place is going to have 7 interior doors. I’m not counting bedroom closets cuz those are sliders.

Later…

Tom woke up early because his mind was racing a mile a minute. We’re both excited but also nervous about the move. I’m nervous about what it’ll be like when we get there, and he’s nervous about just getting there. As he said, everything’s running smoothly and that’s the problem, which is exactly what I was thinking. Things just don’t normally go as planned for us yet as far as we know there are no delays to be expected, no one’s out to get us and to ruin our plans, and we’re still on for moving this weekend. After having things go so shitty for us for so long, and after seeing every single one of our plans, simple or complex, fall to pieces, we tend to get a little suspicious when things go well for us. Really, why is life being so good to us all of a sudden? From a logical standpoint, we deserve good things and it’s simply our compensation for the hell we went through year after year, but something up there has a way of seeing it the other way around and I worry that we’re going to pay tenfold for this good fortune we’ve been having.

For now, life is being so good to us that it’s even raining out there as I write this, LOL. That’ll keep the Jes pest at bay. I’m mostly back on days now, though, so it’s unlikely there’ll ever be a risk of him waking me up again. I’ll be setting alarms so my schedule doesn’t jump more than an hour a day. So today it’s into bed at 1pm to read for an hour, then back up at 11pm.

Although we’re not in an area where natural disasters are likely to strike, if something happened that was out of our control like that, that’d be one thing. But if any person, group, agency or whatever even thinks of turning our dreams into a living nightmare like it has in the past I will totally destroy anyone responsible. TOTALLY.

That being said I can move on to say that I’ve organized and packed a few more things. Tom can get tons of boxes at work so that’s not an issue. The issue is where to put them. We don’t have much room to pile boxes in here but some can go out on the porch if they have to. I had my emotional moments along the way thinking, wow! It’s really happening. We’re going home. Yes, we are!

The PTSD still eats at me at times, so it will be nice to finally be in a place that doesn’t have such terrifying and stressful memories attached to it, and that hopefully never will either.

Mark should be out of surgery by now and hopefully, he’ll soon learn that he’s cancer-free!