After a productive day of installing our beautiful new chandelier, bike riding and other things, I ended up having a rather scary night. I got into bed and was just about to knock off when I felt what I thought was a little glob of phlegm stuck in my lungs to cough up. But then I just kept coughing and suddenly started wheezing my ass off and felt as if my lungs were full of mud. It was the worst asthma attack I’d had in years and for a fleeting moment, I considered going to the ER since Tom said he heard they stopped selling Primatene Mist OTC. It shocks the shit out of me just how unexpected, sudden and fierce the attack was, but our little finger reader did say I was 99% oxygenated and my pulse was a comfortable 84. 

Tom feels confident I just got too carried away with my obsession for good smells… perfume, incense, wax… and I hope to hell he’s right and that this isn’t the beginning of a whole new problem for me. As it is I’ll be a little nervous going to bed tonight. Pretty sure whatever it was was in the bed because that’s where it started and it eased up whenever I’d leave the room. Also, I did run out of Febreeze fabric freshener and I did spray some patchouli on the bed. So all the bedding will be washed today. All of it. Including the mattress pad. 

Unless it keeps happening after refraining from my smellies, we doubt it was caused by my thyroid dosage increase. He found online that asthma can be an indicator of Hashimoto’s (I guess the whole auto-immune thing is connected), but if you’re going to experience an allergic reaction to the thyroid meds (rash, tightness), it should happen right away. Some people are allergic to the fillers that hold the meds together. 

The only other thing he read was that adjusting your thyroid meds can affect your asthma meds if you’re taking any, and I’m not. Sure wished I had an inhaler last night, though, even though that might’ve made me more congested at first. If it happens again I’ll contact my doctors. I’m glad I have a better team of doctors than I had last year and that they deal with me in a quicker, more efficient manner, but hopefully, it won’t be one more thing I have to worry about in the end. I’m trying to be positive and not remind myself that most of my problems aren’t short-lived. 

I’m still a little shaky, tight and congested, but I am recovering. Hot caffeine and a shower helped a lot. Gonna take it easy today and just see what happens. I just know I’m sick and tired of this fucking on-and-off medical drama. 

Later… 

Still alive but a bit shaken up both physically and emotionally over last night’s asthma attack. Tom was a huge help whacking my back (pulmonary cupping) to help loosen things up and kick up the congestion, making me coffee… that sort of thing. I just hope it doesn’t happen again! It was scary, but not nearly as scary as when my heart took off on a run last year. I still have on-and-off tightness and when I cough it tastes like shit. All the bedding has been washed, though, and I’ve stayed away from the perfume and incense. 

When choosing a cheaper insurance plan that should save us a grand or two per year, Tom noticed I had a couple of notifications on the health site saying 2 of my 4 appointments have been canceled (ear and PCP). Tom suspects the doctors are either going on vacation at those times or there was a glitch in the system. The ear isn’t critical, but I would like to see my PCP so I can get an inhaler that won’t mess with my meds in case of another emergency. Even as a non-smoker, I’m bound to have occasional attacks, though 99% of the time my lungs are crystal clear and wide open. 

We ordered new toilets that will hopefully arrive on Friday because Tom will have 3 days off. They’re just basic oblong-shaped toilets that are 16” high. The only fancy feature they have is overflow systems. It’s like what our dishwasher has. They were $150 apiece. 

As Tom said, I’m getting to be a real home improvement expert. LOL, yeah, he’s taught me well. Not just in Phoenix and Maricopa, but here I learned more about how carpet is laid. I’ve helped change faucets, change ceiling fans, change chandeliers, and next, we’ll be doing toilets and then eventually floors. 

A few nights ago I dreamed I called my dad and told him I had good news and bad news. The bad news was that we’d have to rent a place for a while, but the good news was that the house we were renting was nice and it seemed to be a quiet neighborhood.

I still have over 100 more lessons to take in my Dutch course, so I probably won’t finish this year. Dutch may not be that tough overall, but the spelling is the toughest of any language I’ve ever studied! 

Came up nearly 200 places in LiveJournal’s user ratings today. 

Chatted with Tammy on Facebook yesterday. She’s really having a rough time of it health-wise. She developed arthritis when she was only in her 20s and got 6 shots in her neck yesterday. That hurts just thinking about it! She also has Fibromyalgia, which I read was very common. It’s where your muscles swell around the nerves, and I guess she may need surgery to cut the nerves. It’s like something up there really has it in for her at least in that department. As tough as it’s been I’m glad she has a beautiful home and doesn’t have to suffer in some uncomfortable dumpy place in a shitty neighborhood with shitty weather. And she’s not alone either, since she has Mark and the girls. 

My first 2 weeks on the new dose have been a success and my T4 is now where it's going to be. About 6 more weeks for the TSH to settle in! 

I was a little shocked and even a bit worried when Tom told me his pulse was just 45 when he got up. The lowest it’s ever been upon waking up was 49. I told him to tell his doctor about it, which he will see soon. It climbed into the 60s in no time at all, but still, I wonder if that could be something to be concerned with. 

I’m just the opposite. Even calm and relaxed my pulse can average about 90. 

Later… 

My period snuck up on me today without any warning. I’m amazed I wasn’t hungry as hell yesterday as is usually the case the day before my period. Especially since I started an IF diet. I guess I can write about that, though I won’t make this public just yet, since I have no reason to believe that the same thing won’t happen again where I continue to diet but my body refuses to give up more than a few pounds. I’ve been sticking to it religiously, too. 

Experience has proven to me that I simply cannot stick to having 1000 calories a day long-term in order to lose weight. I’m up an average of 16 hours as are most people, and trying to spread a measly 1000 cals over that many hours is just way too hard. So I gave up on dieting and assumed I was simply meant to be heavy just like your average middle-aged person. I knew that I would have to resort to something a bit extreme in order to lose weight if I was ever going to. The question was what? I wasn’t about to take any medication and risk side effects, I didn’t have the willpower to starve myself indefinitely, and could never stand the thought of puking up my food, all of which is unhealthy anyway. 

But then I read some other people’s journals about IF diets, which means intermittent fasting. This is nothing new and it’s not like I haven’t heard about this before, I just never gave it that much thought. Three days ago I decided to try a 16/24 variation where I don’t eat until I’ve been up for 8 hours. I’m on the third day of doing this. Yes, it’s very hard, but it’s hard in a different kind of way than it was when I’d try to stretch 1000 calories over an entire day. By cutting my stomach’s typical hours in half, which is what I’m doing in a sense, I only have 8 hours in which to consume those 1000 calories. I live 16 hours a day, but my stomach only lives 8 hours a day. This means that I spend those 8 hours eating hourly, and not feeling hungry at all. It sums up to me being asleep for 8 hours, satisfying my hunger for 8 hours, and spending 8 hours being hungry instead of 16 hours being hungry. I could still go to Denny’s or someplace like that every so often and eat all I wanted so long as I did it toward the second half of my day. I chose to fast during the first half of my day because that’s when I’m typically the least hungry. 

I also learned that as long as you don’t get carried away with the fasting, no, you don’t lose your muscles and you don’t become dizzy or sluggish. In fact, I’ve had just as much energy as I usually do. I’m actually surprised at just how good I feel on this diet despite being hungry. As with most things, if you overdo it, then it becomes dangerous. Intermittent fasting is said by some doctors to actually be good for the body. It’s a sort of detox for the system. At least this is what research has told me. 

Thursday, the day I started this, I woke up at 151.2 pounds. Yesterday I was 149.4 pounds. Today I’m 148.8 pounds. The big test will be to see if I can get under 147 pounds. The last time I was under that amount was when I was sick. My body usually holds its weight and refuses to cross that threshold under other circumstances. At least it’s been that way since 2009 anyway. I should know in a few days. If it keeps working I will decide whether or not to actually continue losing weight. There are pros and cons to both, and both need to be considered. I know I would be healthier if I lost 30 pounds, but now is not a good time to be getting new clothes since we want to save as much money as we can for vacation. I started this more out of curiosity than anything else, and being curious by nature, I am likely going to want to see how far I can take it if I continue to be a success.

Yesterday I ranked 14,099 out of LiveJournal’s top 100,000 journals and today I’m at 13,949. Interesting tidbit of information. 

We’ve got 3 insurance plans to choose from and we’re probably going to go with the middle one. They each have their pros and cons. The third plan is good for if you rarely see doctors or are sick, but our current plan isn’t the greatest if you need a couple of specialists like I do (ear & endo). The only way the middle plan could cost us a lot would be if one of us were ever hospitalized. 

So yesterday I’m sitting at my computer when I hear Bob’s blower start up and I’m like, WTF? It hasn’t been a week since he’s blown his place. He never blows himself more than once a week. Then I saw him on the roof. He was obviously blowing leaves out of the gutters. 

I stepped out front and said hello. I thought he might ignore me, but he and Virginia (who I didn’t notice right away) were actually very friendly. So I took the time to admit I probably shouldn’t have said anything before, since one does have a right to repair their walkways, they were here first, and I can’t expect my neighbors to be silent 100% of the time. 

They were actually friendlier than ever and we had a pleasant chat as I swept down the patio. Can’t deny it felt good to know we were on good terms. I really thought they were mad at me, and well, no one wants hostility so close to home, do they? 

They asked when I was going on vacation, which they thought was sooner. We talked about the weather, and Bob asked how my writing was going. He said if I had anything published he wanted to read it. “Good luck with that,” I told him, LOL. He’d need a Kindle for that. What I didn’t tell him was that I highly doubted I wrote the kind of stuff he’d like to read. :) 

I haven’t published anything in ages. Just not enough money to be worth the hassle. The writing world is so all or nothing. You either make a fortune (and become famous which I wouldn’t want) or you don’t make shit. 

I should finish Rainstorm’s visual editing today. Tomorrow I’ll start the electronic read-through. Then I’ll share.

I caught the mailman yesterday and told him I accidentally gave him a DHL number when he asked if I ever got the package. Our money was refunded actually, and it probably didn’t even make it into the country before it got lost. 

I mentioned the nice weather as he placed the mail into the boxes and how he must really appreciate the dryness doing what he does. He said that at least he didn’t have to mow the lawn.  He also said he didn’t get why they won’t spend money to bring water down from Alaska while they have no problem sending money to other countries. I don’t get it either. Maybe someday the government will let us in on their reasons why it is so important to give so much money to other countries so that it can finally make at least a little bit of sense to us. There’s got to be some logic to it and it would be nice if they would tell us about it. No one throws away billions of dollars like that without good reason, or at least I would hope. 

I walked through a bank in my dreams last night where they were searching for someone who stole 2 million dollars. I was heading to take a train home as I struggled to pull a hoodie over my head when I realized I didn’t have my purse with me. I raced off hoping to hell my purse was still where I left it and fearing I would miss the train. 

In another dream, Tom and I were in the car and marveling over how we haven’t had any money issues for years now. I was polishing my nails red in the car of all places. I’d gotten 2 nails polished when we pulled up to one of my doctor’s offices. I sat on a stool in the waiting room and resumed polishing my nails, but after just 2 more nails the stool toppled over and I hit the floor. As soon as I hit the floor, the nurse came to call me into an exam room. 

Later… 

Andy is continuing to annoy me with the daily food talk. Really, I am so fucking sick and tired of having to know it every goddamn time he eats. He is either seriously obsessed with food or deliberately trying to annoy me. It’s probably a combination of both, but knowing that he knows how constant repetition bothers me yet continues to go on and on about it excessively, makes me question the validity of his friendship yet again. What the hell kind of friend goes out of his way to annoy others they’re supposed to consider a friend? 

First he was saying that he was eating some chili that Marla, who’s returning to Cali tomorrow, made while she was there. I ignored it, as usual, by responding with a different subject. 45 minutes later he reports that he just finished lunch. 

45 minutes to eat lunch? Obsessed with food or not, I highly doubt it took that long to eat lunch. I swear it’s like he just wants to annoy me, but that will be met with me checking in less and less. Maybe the dumb shit will put two and two together eventually. 

He did say one thing that was funny, though. I told him I was proud of myself for figuring out why I lost sound on my computer, but was glad to know I had Tom here as a backup. Then I said, “Maybe you’ll want a BF someday and he’ll be a real computer techie.” 

He replied with, “I couldn’t get that lucky. He’ll be a jobless loser living with his mother.” 

LOL, I hate to say it, but it’s so true. This was all I used to get as well, and I wonder why that changed for me but not for him. Maybe because he never matured personally or intellectually?

Decisions, decisions. Do I work in the laundry room today no matter what? Or do I wait and see if Bob starts any shit out there first? 

Sometimes I still think maybe it was silly of me to be bothered by the walkway work since he does have a right to do repairs, but then I remember his shit attitude and that wipes any guilt or regrets away. 

I’ve been making a point not to run into him so he doesn’t provoke me in any way. If I assaulted someone between 18-70, they’d do a fraction of what was done to me for the “letter.” But an 86-year-old would get me imprisoned for at least a decade or so. Society has a “But they’re defenseless!” attitude. Not a “They don’t have much longer to live anyway,” attitude. 

Then again, does he not really have much longer to live? He could easily be fit enough to use hammers and power tools for another 5-10 years, which would be like a lifetime to me, of course. 

I hated to do this, but I realized that if something suddenly happened to Tom, I would be so distraught that I would have a hard time thinking clearly as I did what I wanted to do before killing myself and then actually killing myself. Therefore, I wrote out some final steps to take. I still think he’s going to die first, and that means I will almost certainly one day have to carry these plans out on my own, as terrifying as they may be. But death can suddenly sneak up on us when we least expect it. How can I be sure the pigs won’t knock on the door to say he was killed on the way to or from work? Therefore, I knew I needed a clear plan mapped out before my eyes because I sure as hell wouldn’t be thinking clearly as the sadness, loss, fear and anger engulfed and consumed me upon hearing such tragic news. Whether he dies younger or as an old man, no one will be here to calmly tell me, do this, then do this, and then do that. But the list I made will. 

Later… 

My goal has been to learn at least enough of the basics or beyond in as many languages as I can. But sometimes I wonder if I should perfect my best language instead, which would be Spanish since it’s so common here in the US. 

Then I say naw, I don’t think so. If you come to my country, then my language takes precedence over yours, like it or not. You wanna cry discrimination for that, fine. But I’m from here and if you come to my land then you should be willing to learn my language. Besides, I still know a great deal of the language. I was stuck in a jail cell in Arizona with someone who only spoke Spanish and we got by just fine, as did the housekeeper and I who cleaned our hotel room up in Oregon. I don’t use the language every single day, but I still read things online in Spanish from time to time and can understand the gist of what I read. Speaking and hearing another language is always harder than reading, but let’s just say that I don’t expect any problems in Mexico any more than I expected them in Puerto Rico. 

Anyway, we went out bike riding. It was chilly, slightly breezy, and very comfortable for a rigorous ride. I wanted to go even faster, but Tom always complains if I go too fast, LOL. 

I got an idea on how to make my own treadmill desk so I at least have the option of using the laptop there if I ever want to. Taking two of the old fan blades and stretching them across the rails, I can epoxy them together. Then I can run cable ties through the screw holes to secure it to the rails. Then again, this may look totally goofy in the end, so I don’t know.

Yesterday was fun, productive, loud and annoying. We went to Home Depot shortly after they opened to look at ceiling fans and toilets. Apparently, the Disabilities Act has caused toilets to go from a standard 14” in height to 16.5”. Not a very good thing if you’re as short as I am, but they do still have some 14’s and that’s what we’ll probably get. We decided on elongated bowls rather than round, but this is still a couple of weeks away. 

They charge 100 bucks per toilet for installation, plus 25 bucks for each of the old toilets to be hauled away, so we decided to save $250 and do it ourselves. Except for the carpet, we’ve always been do-it-yourselfers. 

We got a new ceiling fan for the living room. It’s the same 52” and the same brand as the old one, only this one is white and it has five blades instead of four. It was $70. Our living room is cavernous, so on really warm days the old one barely moved much air toward the corners. It has three thick frosted light fixtures that are sort of cone-shaped. We put the LED bulbs in it that were in the old one, which should last around 20 years. 

While we were looking at ceiling fans, my eyes casually swung to the nearby chandeliers, and then I spotted one that totally made my jaw drop. I was just like, OMG, that thing is gorgeous! The original chandelier in this place isn’t ugly and it does go with the place, but it’s not me. Once our new gorgeous crystal chandelier I'm surprised was only $99 is installed, I’ll take pictures of the old and the new like I did with the fans. 

After Home Depot we went to Walmart where we got a handful of goodies. He got some storage containers for electronic and computer-related parts that will help him organize things better, and I got Emeraude perfume, which has a unique fruity smell. 

I also got a beautiful tropical calendar for next year and a semi-realistic-looking vinyl king snake that I placed by the door and wished my mother could come back to life long enough to visit, LOL. It’s not as realistic as my rattler, but it’s enough to jolt the heart of the unsuspecting. We would see these snakes every now and then down in Arizona. The way they move is really cool. There was an all-black king snake that one could easily mistake for an old tire scrap that used to watch us when we would be out and about on the land. It would usually stick its head up out of a hole in the ground. These were harmless snakes, but the Western diamondback, as cool looking as it was, was one to be careful of. Tom came as close to death as he’d ever gotten the night he started to go out and get something from the car only to be greeted by a rattlesnake right outside the door. With the hospital being nearly an hour away, that would definitely not be a good place to get struck. 

I also got some scented wax cubes and the most sparkly eyeshadow I’ve ever seen in six different colors. It was the only one there. Am I too old to wear glitter eyeshadow? Yeah, probably. Do I care? Definitely not. Damn, I love being too selfish to care what others think! ;) I wish I had this attitude half a century ago. 

Our Walmart purchases were free since we had gift cards. 

I also have a couple of collectibles on the way to me from Amazon… a sexy “secretary” and an anime doll. 

I’ll write about the shit we came home to later on. 

Later… 

So the shit we came home to. That would be the very loud process of a tree being cut down behind the house. Yeah, we can’t go much more than a month or two without something going on here, can we? And this is on top of all the landscaping and traffic noise I hear almost daily. 

Heard about 6 whacks of a hammer somewhere too, but if it wasn’t Bob doing it just to make me hear him, then I don’t know where it came from. The only sound I’m sure he made was when he was blowing leaves for about 15-20 minutes. 

Anyway, they worked on the tree for about 3 hours. Not the all-day event I thought it would be like when they took down a tree next door last year, but it was just as loud, especially the wood chipper. They sawed the branches down, then they tossed them in the chipper, then they blew leaves out of the road. 

Unfortunately, I’m almost back on days, so I can just imagine what shit I’m in for today. If nothing else, it’ll be the Tuesday landscapers and God knows what from Bob. 

I’ve had a few moments where I thought I felt a bit anxious, but I have otherwise had no problem on the new dose. I wish it were December already. If I can make it to then without incident, then I should be fine. 

After dreaming about my dentist selling wallpaper and finding a huge bug with a strange paisley design on it, I awoke to find my hips oddly sore. After I get up after sitting for a while, it’s very uncomfortable. I don’t understand just what I did to get this sore. I helped with the fan installation, but I wasn’t the one climbing up and down the ladder. I just opened and handed him stuff so he wouldn’t have to keep climbing up and down. I did a lot of walking yesterday through the stores, so maybe I just need to do that more since biking works different muscles.

As of this day I have been smoke-free for 18 years… yay! 

As of yesterday, I decided the next series I would watch on Netflix would be Criminal Minds. 

About 6 hours ago, we went out bike riding. There was thunder and lightning all around us in the distance, but not a drop of rain here. Not surprisingly, there’s no rain predicted over the next week. Just some clouds with temps in the 80s. 

I had a dream I met Aly somewhere. First I was pissed because I forgot my meds. She searched her car but couldn’t find them anywhere. 

She was then humming some tune while happily cooking something in the kitchen of what looked like a regular house in which I was standing just outside. Behind her stood a washer and dryer that looked familiar. I pulled out my smartphone and texted her that I think I once had that same washer and dryer. Haha. 

Then we were at a hotel and I was pissed again because she brought along two other women she didn’t tell me she was bringing and they never shut up. Every time I tried to initiate a conversation with her, one of the women would butt in. 

The following morning I woke up, turned the portable sound machine off that I had brought with me, and found that I was alone in the room. Then I got up to use the bathroom. The toilet lid was decorated with hearts and a little bookcase stood nearby. As I lifted the lid and sat down, I plucked what appeared to be a horror story off the shelf and tried to decide if it was worth stealing since we were leaving that day. 

Later… 

Many people on Facebook "liked" that I've been smoke-free for 18 years except for my sister and nieces. Figures, too. I mean I knew they wouldn’t. I started to make excuses for them in my mind from them being busy to them having too many posts in their news feed to read through, but that just doesn’t seem like something family should miss. Norma “liked” it and she’s just a distant cousin. 

When Tom and I were talking about places we may possibly travel to in the future, we both agreed that Europe isn’t very appealing. Most of it is too old, cold, and crowded. I like tropical places anyway. The only country there that I might consider is Greece. It has some very beautiful sections that really stand out from your traditional European setting. I doubt we’ll go there, though. 

It pisses me off just how tight so many of my clothes have become. A year ago, when I was temporarily scared off my thyroid meds, I gained a few pounds that I haven’t been able to get back off ever since, thanks to the incompetent assholes that didn’t care to help me. I keep whatever I put on, so that’s why it’s important not to gain any more weight if I can help it. 

There is just no way I’m ever going to have the willpower to stand the hunger, irritability, dizziness, and sluggishness that would come with having 1000 calories every single day for the many months it would take to lose 30 pounds. I might be able to lose it on 1200 a day, but even that isn’t very doable. I really need about 1500 a day. I hate feeling so powerless when it comes to my body, but that’s just life for most people. Nobody chooses to get cancer, break bones, have heart attacks and so much more… including getting so damn fat. 

There are things that are a normal everyday part of life, and then there are extremes that continue to make me wonder if there isn’t something up there that has singled me out and picked on me for reasons I’ll never understand. 

I consider myself agnostic as opposed to atheist because I have no idea if there is a God or not. Every time I think of reasons that suggest there could be, I am then presented with reasons to suggest just the opposite, and that God is just a fantasy fabricated as a means of controlling others and coping with this thing called life. I don’t know if there’s an afterlife either, and if there is one, I don’t know what it is. 

But let’s say there is a God. One that picks and chooses what happens to us, good and bad. What made me turn against God? some people have asked. What was it that finally made you hate Him so much and when? 

My hatred grew and my faith faded in stages. Four stages, actually. Funny too, because there are four stages of cancer, the fourth being the deadliest. 

Stage 1: When I was struggling to conceive a child back in the 90s was when I really began to stop and take a good hard look at things stemming all the way back to my childhood. The childhood abuse, the constant rejection, not being able to get a woman I really lusted for, sexual/infertility problems, and then money issues, all made me start to wonder. WTF? What is this shit??? Could I really be cursed? 

Stage 2: Yeah, I could be. At the hands of a God or just because? Well, I may never know, but when I was legally railroaded in 2000, I looked back and saw a clear and frightening pattern emerge. Everyone who ever screwed me over had gotten away with it. Totally! It was as if something up there had been protecting them all along, and this was when I really felt myself start to turn against God. I’m sure you can imagine what it was like when we lost our home in Arizona and then our land up in Oregon a few years later. 

Stage 3: From 2007-2011 we suffered immensely financially and this is what really drove my hatred for any possible God home. We were pushed within a fraction of an inch to having to choose between the streets or death. Both of them would have meant death either way; the question was whether or not we wanted to get it over with quickly or die a slow miserable death in the streets. Our answer was obvious, although we certainly didn’t want our lives to end that way and that young, knowing we still had another 30-40 years left. We lived in a bummy old trailer with shit for space, and we didn’t always have enough money for necessities. 

Stage 4: Ah, the final killer. That would be last year’s medical scare. It was one of the most terrifying and traumatizing experiences of my life. Even though I didn’t technically have a foot in the grave like I did a few years ago, this was what drove the nail firmly into the coffin. If anything could be up there with more power than any of us could ever have and it chose to sit back and allow for us horror, then I have no respect for it whatsoever. So God… if you exist, fine. If you hate me, fine. But I will never ever forgive you for the pain and suffering which you have allowed to be unfairly and unnecessarily inflicted upon me. Ever.

Sometimes I find that it helps to get my anger toward certain individuals out by fantasizing about violence against them. At my hands, of course, and without ever getting caught. For years I fantasized about taking a huge yacht out in the middle of the ocean along with everybody that screwed me in Arizona. There I would slowly torture them in so many different ways, letting them believe they would be killed in the end. Only I allow them to live so that they are forced to live with the memories of what I did to them unless they so choose to end it all themselves. 

My latest mental target is Bob. I’ve been on nights, so for all I know he might have quieted down recently. Still, he really pissed the shit out of me. Not just with his racket being so close to our house, but with his attitude and the way he suggested I consider getting an office somewhere. That was just so incredibly rude. Why doesn’t he consider shutting up? 

Because we’re neighbors, I have others do my dirty work in one of my fantasies. In it, I take advantage of the fact that they love to keep their front door open, and a small group of strange men they’ve never seen before suddenly step inside while they’re just a few feet away eating lunch at their dining table. One guy holds Virginia down so she can’t call for help (hey, she’s the quiet one after all) while the others surround Bob and accuse him of owing thousands of dollars in gambling debt which he of course knows absolutely nothing about. 

Because he was supposedly ordered to pay up a few times and didn’t do so, the guy decides to go “Turkey” on him. In Turkey, they cut off the fingers of a thief. In this fantasy a guy places Bob’s right hand upon the table after picking up the heaviest object he sees and smashes his fingers, thus disabling him from ever picking up a hammer or a circular saw ever again, but allowing him to live so Virginia doesn’t move and possibly leave me to get someone worse over there. 

My guess is they’ll be here another decade. The next people would certainly be younger, but their chances of having kids would be iffy with more and more women being pressured to work rather than have families. Dogs? I don’t know. I thought everybody but us would have dogs here, but given that this is the West and they must be brought in as pets only here, I think that’s why a lot of people don’t bother. They just don’t think it’s right to take a dog indoors. 

Even though these are just fantasies, vicious or not, I don’t want to post this publicly. What if? Just what if somebody actually does something to them? Well, I wouldn’t want these fantasies sitting out there for anyone to see at that point. Other than Tom, I’m not even going to share this with Andy or Aly. Just my sister. 

I don’t get it. I just don’t get it at times. So many people half his age can barely walk half a mile. I’m sure my parents couldn’t conceive of riding a bike by the time they hit their mid-70s. Yet here’s this 86-year-old who can do anything a guy in his 20s can do. He walks 2 miles a day, rides his bike, operates his little workshop, and goes out every day. Never ever have I seen him take a day off to just stay inside and relax at home. It’s like he has an endless supply of energy, and based on how often I see lights on over there, they only sleep about 6 hours a night. The lights seemed to go off at 11 PM and come on at 5 AM, another thing I won’t say in public. They don’t have a computer, but what if their kids looked me up? LOL… LMAO! “Mom! Dad! The lady next door wants to smash your fingers and she knows when the lights are on, too!” ROTFL 

I had to laugh when I saw a Sex Positions adult coloring book on Amazon. But all you would need was just one color… flesh tone. LOL 

Tom and I were both looking at different brands of colored pencils and who would have thought there would be so many! Not so many brands, but so many different types of pencils for so many different types of projects. 

I have just one episode left of Law & Order SVU on Netflix, and then I will need to find a new show since they don’t have a steady stream of movies I want to watch.

I was up longer than I thought I would be and didn’t sleep as long as I thought I would, so I was a bit tired today. 

Cousin Norma shared an article with me on Facebook about these heroic African Pouched rats that can sniff out old landmines as well as tuberculosis. I’ve heard of this before but it’s still just as fascinating. :) 

Doing laundry now and looking forward to Tom’s 3-day weekend. Some of it will be spent picking out a new ceiling fan for the living room and new toilets as well. 

We visited Tom’s sister in my dreams last night, and on the drive home, I asked him why he thought her house smelled so good even though she had dogs. He said, “Some people use flowers.” 

LOL 

On with the laundry and grocery list now. 

Last night I had that feeling again where my head felt a bit off, kind of lightheaded, and I even felt slightly tight. I know I had a little wheezing and congestion during one of the many times I woke up yesterday because I remember coughing it up when I got up to pee. 

I felt slightly bummed too, and the more things go well for us, the more I will return to worrying about the future and who’s going to be there for us when we get old, and how much suffering we might have to go through. 

The nights may be peaceful, but there is something that can be a bit depressing about it at times. I guess because it's just all wrong. It's just not normal to be up all night. I should be in bed along with everybody else, but I have been denied that basic human right for half of my life since I can only sleep at night half of the time. But then I would also hate always being on days because then I’d always have to listen to people’s shit around here. Almost always, anyway. 

In regard to my sleep schedule curse, Andy really annoyed me with his big mouth by butting into that post Norma made with the rat article. He said something about me going to sleep but he was sure I would appreciate it once I got up. 

As I told him in a PM, just like it’s nobody’s business what his work schedule is, it’s nobody’s business what my sleep schedule is. 

I realized I don’t have as much of an I-don’t-give-a-shit attitude as I thought I had and would like to have once it hit me just how uncomfortable I am with discussing my sleep disorder. It’s the one thing I’m actually a bit ashamed and embarrassed of. Until people’s attitudes change or it becomes more common, it’s not something I can just easily up and talk about with just anyone. Despite the fact that Norma is a very open-minded individual and would never assume something doesn’t exist just because she may not get it, I have become a lot more private than I was years ago. There was hardly a subject I omitted from my public journals in the past. Not anymore, though. You just never know what information can be used against you in ways you can’t control. Yes, I’m still a big stickler for free speech, and if I’ve got something to say I’m going to say it. However, just because I’m not ashamed that I was in jail since I was innocent and didn’t deserve it, no one needs to know that, do they? Why disclose unnecessarily? It isn’t what they think I worry about with some subjects, but what they may try to do.

It didn’t get as cold in here as I thought it would early in the morning, but it did drop to 72° and I kicked the heat on for a few minutes before going to bed at which time I slept horribly. First, a loud vehicle woke me up because I forgot to insert my earplug, and then it seemed I just kept waking up for no reason at all. No racy hearts, though. 

Sometimes when I think how I’ve got a dozen or so more winters here, and in a place with so much traffic, it kind of gets me down. Today was gorgeous, though. Tom and I went out on the bikes early in the evening. 

Aly does have the early stages of leukemia and I guess they’re going to continue with the blood transfusions for a few months and inject some kind of medication into the blood while they’re at it. I really hope this gets rid of it! 

I had a series of strange dreams. Tom overslept because he didn’t feel well, and then I was getting dressed to go somewhere with my mother. I grabbed a high-heeled sandal and slipped it on my foot. When I was unable to find the other one, I switched to flats and said, ”These are much more comfortable anyway.” 

Then I might have been staying in some fancy hotel suite where housekeepers were doing my laundry and changing the bed sheets. 

It seemed there was a cat in my dreams, too. Lots of cat dreams since Simone left. 

Then two of my doctors were in my dreams. In one dream I was seeing my PCP and I said something like, “It seems there’s one thing after another. As soon as you take care of one problem, you have a new one to deal with.” 

In response to that she said, ”We never realize the time in between.” 

Then I was in a large swimming pool with my endo and some guy. I was doing all kinds of intricate dives that I wouldn’t have a clue as to how to do in real life. That was the only fun and entertaining dream… watching myself flip, twist and spin through the air and into the water. LOL

When I got up today I thought, boy it’s dark in here. Then as soon as I turned off the sound machine I could hear the rain. Yes, we actually got some real rain. I don’t know how long it’s been going on, but this is no five-minute drizzle. The only thing that sucks about it is that it’s so chilly in here. Gonna need the heat tonight for sure. 

I wish we could go to Hawaii or Florida and not return till April (though we will be in Florida, Mexico, Jamaica and possibly a couple of other countries for about a week)! Because some people have asked… yes, this is a seasonal climate. Only it doesn’t get below the 20s or snow. Still, it gets plenty cold enough. The coldest night I remember in the 8 years I’ve lived here was 23° and the hottest day was 114°. 

Anyway, I felt really rundown yesterday. I had to push myself to go out on the bike, and biking is the one form of exercise I never get sick of. I’ll be running indoors tonight. I felt rundown in the kind of way one does when they’re sick, only I didn’t feel sick. I wrote it off as not sleeping well, but I slept better this time around, so hopefully I won’t feel sluggish later on. Could be PMS, though I don’t feel very PMSy. I’m guessing my period will be late again as menopause sets further in. I hope that’s what it is, anyway. 

I dreamed we moved to Europe, though I don’t know where in Europe. Nane might have been in the dream, too. Funny I should dream of her because I “sensed” her last night. Like she was considering contacting me or something. If she does, the smart thing to do would be to ignore her. The dumb thing to do would be to reply. Well, I would probably do the dumb thing because sometimes I just do dumb things. Warum würde das ändern?

No problem yesterday and today while I’ve been awake, but my heart raced me awake for the second time in three days. It took me a while to fall back asleep. I know it’s just anxiety due to the dosage increase, and it’s not scary like it was at first, but it is annoying. Either way, I’ve got this! This is still better than suffering while I’m awake. It’s a pain in the ass, but it stops after a few minutes. Before I would suffer for hours at a time either with my heart racing, beating hard, or the emotional twisters that having a good thyroid day can put you through on top of the medication you take. I have stood up to God (if there is one) and let Him know that I’m not going to take any more medical drama. I refuse to suffer and I’m not about to sit back and have Him allow me to do so either. Once I took that step, I began to feel better. I’m not perfect any more than anyone else is, but I certainly can’t complain compared to what I see many others go through, along with what I went through in the past. 

I am much more concerned right now for my sister and Aly. My sister needs her other knee replaced, and Aly’s looking at once again dealing with radiation and chemo due to leukemia. As if they haven’t had enough to deal with between breast cancer, lung issues, and tons of other shit! To make it even scarier, so many doctors out there don’t have a clue as to what they’re doing. My first endo told me it would take six months to regulate my dose. Well, it’s been a year and a half and I’m still waiting. The more I learn from Doc O, the more info I realize Doc D withheld from me that could’ve helped me a lot. 

I’m a bit surprised I haven’t had any negative dreams pertaining to my sister or Aly. Hopefully, that just means they’ll be okay in the end. They may have a rough road ahead, but they’re tough enough to pull through. 

I did dream that I was at a dinner party with Lori, Lisa and June and gave them a piece of my mind. 

Then we were living in some huge place somewhere that seemed more like a building than a house because the place seemed to have five or more bathrooms. I went into one of the smaller bathrooms to pour a bottle of water into the sink and noticed that the countertop was not only wet but also had a traditional toilet paper holder. I made a mental note to replace it with a handy bar holder. 

Then I was in the living room where the walls were painted a teal color. Tom had pulled a tall piece of furniture about a foot from the wall (a hutch or a bookcase?) and behind it was a wallpaper pattern of some kind. I made another mental note to keep a tall piece of furniture in that area to hide it. 

Then I was chasing a cat around the place (Simone?) that was trying to eat scraps of paper that had fallen to the floor. 

In another dream, I was by a large pool. Several people surrounded it, but only these strange-looking penguins were jumping in and out of the pool. Even though it was a warm day and I wished I could jump in the pool too, I knew there was something in the water that was bad for people and that’s why no one was using the pool.

The older I get, the less often I get depressed. Yet last night I felt a little anxious as well as depressed. I’m on a new dosage and I don’t know how it’s going to affect me a few weeks from now, I have an ageless neighbor that likes to be noisy at times, and sometimes I miss being so far away from my closest friends and family. Not gonna lie, though. If we won the lottery today then we would be making plans to move further away (to Hawaii) the next day. 

I thought about last year’s trauma and I realized that as horrible as the ordeal was, there was some good in it. For many years I have worried about how we would get by and what will become of us when we get old. However, when you are worried about how a medication may affect you in the present, it has a way of diverting your mind from what may happen in the future. That was definitely one of my biggest problems for a long time… I spent so much of it worrying about the future and all kinds of possible scenarios that may never happen. 

My heart seemed to beat a little hard last night, but it may simply have been that my body was digesting all that chicken I had. If I didn’t know any better I’d swear Foster Farms put beta-blockers in their chicken! When I had some toward the beginning of my day, I felt very tired afterward and was suddenly freezing. Hypothyroidism can make you feel cold, but my numbers aren’t high enough to really get me that cold, I wouldn’t think. Finally, I perked up and warmed up. Toward the end of my day, I had some more chicken and the same thing happened. I even fell asleep early. 

I went to bed worrying… Will Bob’s hammer wake me up? Will a loud vehicle wake me up? Will my heart race me awake? Will I have any nightmares? However, I ended up sleeping quite well and got up at noon for the third day in a row. 

I made a few rounds around the circle on the bike just after 7 PM last night and the moon looked pretty cool from what I could see of it. It would probably have looked a lot cooler back out in the country. Part of me misses country living, minus Jesse, his mutts, the well, and a few other things. I never expected this retirement community to be quiet all the time, but I also never expected to be listening to so much traffic and landscaping this often either, along with motorcycles and power tools. It’s just ridiculous at times. At least there are no barking dogs or screaming kids, but I do hear car stereos at times. Most of those are coming from outside of the park, though. Today I heard about 10 seconds of hammering, but I couldn’t say if it was from next door or not. It has otherwise actually been a very pleasant day.

Made it through my first day on 88’s without any more than just a touch of anxiety. Couldn’t have been from the meds, though, since the new dose isn’t in my system yet. Two weeks to two months is the critical zone I need to get through. My heart did race me awake once, though, because I overheated. I got up, kicked the fan on, and fell back asleep a little while longer with no problem. 

This hot day is full of car stereos and motorcycles, but only the motorcycles have come close to the house. Really REALLY wish the residents would start complaining about them, but I know they won’t with the way noise is so accepted and even encouraged in the West. Like I said, I dread the day they drop the mutt rules. What will be the point of a retirement community then? I mean I don’t care how old you are if you can’t shut up. Noise is noise and I’m not sure it matters if it comes from a stereo or a child’s mouth any more than a motorcycle or a dog’s mouth. At least Bob’s been quiet for several days now, and yes, I would rather the motorcycles than him. The motorcycles come and then they go. But when Bob starts up one of his projects, I don’t know how long I’m going to have to listen to it. 

Love the weather we’ve been having. I prefer highs in the 90s because then it’s not so hot that the AC is always running, but not cool enough to let it get too chilly in the mornings. 

I love routine and I love the things I usually do on a daily basis. But sometimes I just like to relax and do things that don’t require much thinking. Like coloring. Ever since I’ve gotten into adult coloring books I’ve been reading less and less. I even canceled my book deal subscription for now. I colored for hours last night and re-sorted all my pens and pencils. Love this Facebook page for adult coloring addicts, and even printed some of their free coloring pages and submitted some of my own work. They’re going to be having some kind of giveaway, but with nearly 25K “likers,” I don’t stand much of a chance. I miss the days when winning was easier!

Aly noticed my schedule’s been flipping faster this last week. I love an observant person who cares enough to notice even the little things. But yeah, it’s been jumping fast. Tom thinks I’m just anxious. Well, now that I’ve got more levothyroxine in my body than ever before since I began 88 mcg today, I’d say that yes, I’m a little anxious. Still hoping for the best, though. 

Aly should get the necklace I sent her on Monday, while I’ll have to contact the seller about my set of glow-in-the-dark nail polishes since I was supposed to receive them on the 22nd and never did. I also stupidly gave the mailman a DHL number, not OnTrac. 

What I don’t get is why we have to see our doctors in person with the way technology is today. My endo’s a lovely person, but why can’t we “meet” online or via phone? Wouldn’t that save both the patient and the doctor a lot of time? I can see meeting in person at least once a year, but every 3 months? 

So far today I’ve heard a loud car stereo and motorcycles tearing in and out of here while I was in the shower with water beating on my head, that’s how ghastly loud the fucking things are. It’s like I can’t escape Jesse. Bob makes the kind of racket he made, and now Jesse’s motorcycles are roaring in and out of this place. 

“They can’t stop people’s friends and family from visiting,” Tom said. 

Why can’t they stop them from doing so on motorcycles? It’s their park. *sighs* If only we could pick this house up and move it to a less active section of the park! 

Speaking of the park, it’s asking for clothes to be donated, so since I’m 100% sure I’ll never lose weight, it’s time to weed out the clothes I’m too big for. 

Now here’s something weird. I received a call from an Auburn number in which a guy left a VM saying, “Jodi, remove me from your phone list. Al.” 

Curious as to what the hell he was talking about, I called the number back and he said someone was using our numbers to enter sweepstakes and stuff like that. I told him I was sorry they were doing this to him, but it wasn’t me. 

Tom said it was our old number, but I don’t recognize it as our old cell number or the landline in the trailer from when we lived in Auburn. What I don’t get is why would they use BOTH his number and my current one??? 

No negative dreams last night. Just weird ones. In one dream Tom went down to Arizona on a business trip and happened to stay in our Maricopa house while he was there. I anxiously asked him what it was like nowadays upon his return and he said he didn’t notice. 

I said, “They must’ve planted more trees then.” 

Then I dreamed Simone was with us again and this time I magically had no breathing problems, couldn’t smell her shit, and she was oh so perfectly behaved.

Today is the last day of the 75s. Tomorrow my dose will be upped to 88 mcgs and yes, I am nervous about it. Trying to think positively and hope for the best, though. The thing is my body isn’t even going to know it for a week or two. This medication takes time to build up in the body. 

I have enjoyed three days of peace and quiet, but that’s probably mostly due to the heat rather than the kindness of people's hearts. All I heard was the trash truck, and they were landscaping down the street at one of the houses. 

It is very weird yet cool to now be able to read and comment on some Facebook posts in Dutch. I still know more German, though. I don't have any plans or desires right now to whip my Dutch and German up to serious fluency. Knowing a little more than enough to get by is sufficient enough for me. I do want to review some of my RLs, though. Consistency matters. 

Tom has been doing some research on dieting since he wants to lose weight. Studies suggest it's best to eat the number of calories it would take to maintain your ideal weight, saying you would automatically lose weight if you did that consistently and then hover at your ideal weight.  They say this is better than traditional dieting where you drastically cut your calories. To me, this makes no sense. I would think that each day you took in more than you put out, you would either gain weight or stay the same.

He can do what he wants, but I know I’m always going to be big and I can live with it as long as I don’t get any bigger. I’m learning, however, that it’s not all about my thyroid but also about age and genetics. I mean look at how many older people struggle to lose weight yet their thyroids work fine. The older body was just meant to have extra meat on it, even with a healthy diet and sufficient exercise. I don’t think there’s much we can do about that, but we can definitely prevent additional weight gain once we settle into whatever our middle-age weight is going to be. I have been approximately the same weight for about six years now.

Updated my passport. I was smart to have penciled in my old address so I could erase it and pencil in my current one. Why didn’t they stamp the Bahamas in when we were there? Puerto Rico was part of the US, and we didn’t quite make it to the Grand Turks, but it’s kind of strange that they didn’t stamp in the Bahamas. I thought it would be cool to have a “book” of all the countries I end up going to. 

I dreamed we lived in Hawaii. Best. Dream. Ever. Still no negative dreams that might lead me to think I might be in for trouble on the new dose, but soon I will find out. 

Had the runs for the second time this week, though I’m not sure why. 

The air quality has been horrible here. I had a little congestion yesterday. We’ve been averaging 10° higher than normal for this time of year, but I’m certainly not complaining. It gets chilly in here in the mornings, and then the AC comes on in the afternoons. 

There’s a really nice older guy who delivers our mail, and I went out to see if the nail polish that was supposed to get here two days ago had arrived, and it hasn’t. I told him OnTrac was supposed to deliver it to our regular carrier and he asked if I had the tracking number. So he backed up his truck, and I ran in to jot down the number for him. He said he would look into it but that he’s not going to be here for the rest of the week. 

Next door is out now and hopefully won’t return before it's too hot for the GOM (grumpy old man) to go into I-don’t-give-a-shit mode (with his hammer) and make me edit the letter I already drafted up for Joy in hopes of jinxing him into silence. 

I saw Jim pick Bob up yesterday for the second time and they took off somewhere for a few hours. Like I said, I love it when he’s out. I don’t care about his wife because she’s never noisy, but Bob can spend all the time he wants away from home. 

I rejoined Tumblr for the millionth time because they have a “chat” feature that allows you to write stories in script form. I was going to try that just for something different, but it simply won’t work. There’s no way to capture unspoken thoughts and actions in the way that you can in story format. 

Later… 

I like to document as much as I can in my journals, not just about my life and experiences, but those I know as well. This is definitely not appropriate for public viewing. 

I am always thinking of  O lately. What is it with me and these doctor crushes? It used to be cops and now it’s doctors. What’re next, farmers? Real estate agents? Teachers? LOL crushes may be fun no matter who we love and are devoted to, but they can be frustrating at times. You wish you could see these people more often, but at the same time, you certainly don’t want anything to come of it. Besides, due to both age and having Hashimoto’s my libido is just about shot to hell. The bright side of that… you don’t miss what you don’t crave. Still, I can recognize something attractive when I see it and there’s just something about that endo of mine. 

Let me guess… now that I have an established crush on  O, she will retire, move, or something. All the hotties have a way of disappearing from my life rather quickly. Jane, the waitress moves. Liz, the cashier quits. Randy changed routes. My old doctors turn out to be less than competent. So what will happen to  O? I’m guessing early retirement, though it’s possible she may move. Then I can send her a friend invite on Facebook that she won’t accept, LOL. 

I’m just one of the few who can admit that no human being is attracted only to their soulmate. We are attracted to people regularly throughout our entire lives. It’s just human nature. Only difference is that with some it’s the opposite sex, some it’s the same sex, and with others, it’s both. In different frequencies as well, no doubt. 

With me, it’s women with an occasional guy sprinkled in the mix. My last male crush (besides a few guys online) was one of the mailmen we had up in Oregon. There was just something about tall, wiry Randy and his alert blue eyes. I don’t have a “type” with men, though I have always liked both men and women who were older.  O is a bit out of my type, just like my old PCP was because I rarely like blondes.  O isn’t blonde, but she’s kind of smallish like I am. She’s Tom’s age and has light golden brown eyes with shoulder-length graying hair that is mostly dark brown. My usual type is tall with dark hair and dark brown eyes. Not big on blacks, but some Italians, Hispanics, Indians and Asians can be very beautiful. 

Anyway, I got a couple of crystal heart necklaces that are identical and I have mailed one to Aly in Nebraska. She said she’d let me know when she gets it. We hang out daily on Twitter. 

I am still connected with Mitch, Adonis, Christine and Eileen, though I don’t hear much from Eileen these days.

Leave it to me to get another story idea before I have finished editing Rainstorm. 

Our insurance paid more for my last dentist visit than we thought they would. We thought they only paid for one of the two yearly exams, but nope. They apparently cover both. All we had to pay was the $20 the special fluoride toothpaste costs. 

No bad vibes about increasing my dose, and no nightmares. Just a weird dream where somebody posted on Facebook, “Brenda drove off a bridge,” and I knew they were referring to the Brenda I dated for nearly a year in the early '90s. 

As for the grumpy old man next door, Tom and I have decided that yes, if his racket escalates, we will contact the office. We took Jesse’s shit for half a decade because we had no choice, but we’re not about to take it here. I think – and seriously hope – that it won’t come to that. I really don’t want any trouble with anyone anywhere. I just want people to keep their projects, especially the unnecessary ones, for their ears only. Lately, he seems to get noisy every three days or so. If it gets to be every day or maybe even every other day, and he’s doing it off-hours more frequently, that’s what I’ll complain. I don’t want to complain unless it’s absolutely necessary. Being annoyed is one thing, but being driven crazy is another.

Just sitting here realizing I’ve come to have a little thing for Doc O… and a list of potential silly story ideas. What is it with me and docs lately anyway? That’s 4 out of the 10 or so docs and therapists I’ve seen in this state. I don’t know that I could count my dentist, though. It’s like she’s attractive, but she’s not. I think her sweet personality is more what I’m attracted to, and not her. I sort of liked Dr. D even though I didn’t, I definitely liked Dr. C, and now there’s just something about Dr. O. Like I said, there was just something about her demeanor, though she’s still friendlier than Dr. A. 

After the doctor’s yesterday, we grabbed a burger and fries at Carl’s Jr., then went to Walmart to pick up my new prescription. I’m not starting this dose until the weekend. 

I got a heart-shaped necklace that changes colors depending on how the light hits it and a new pair of pink slippers. 

Tom did some trimming and blowing when we got home, and I wish to hell that others doing the same exact thing wouldn’t be so damn annoying to me. When he does it, it’s simply a sound in the background. When others do it, it’s a huge annoyance. I guess that when he’s making the racket, I know what’s going on and I know how long it’s going to last. But now that Bob has taken to hammering before 8 AM, I wonder how much more that’s going to go on before I am forced to go to the office to stop it. 

Seriously, how many more decades of rude, inconsiderate neighbors can I possibly take before I snap? Totally, totally snap. Although it was only for about a minute, it was very loud and it happened at 7:45 AM. You’re not supposed to make noise before 8am. What I wonder, though, is whether or not it was in regard to my music. I did have it kind of loudish while I was showering, but since I could hear him hammering over the music barely 3 yards away from my window, my guess is no. It is possible that even an older guy who’s hard of hearing could have heard it, but I don’t think so. I would have probably heard it if I was standing outside the window. 

Why do I feel like I am being spited for simply taking Virginia’s suggestion? She asked if I heard them. Well, I told Bob that yes, I could. I am coming to learn just what a mean guy this really is. Just totally rude and inconsiderate. He was never as friendly as Jim and a few others I’ve met around here, but I didn’t realize he had a blatant lack of respect and compassion for those around him. He is clearly one of those who is going to do what he’s going to do regardless of how it affects others. 

I am so fucking sick of this shit following me every single fucking place I go. Yes, I have had much worse to deal with neighbor-wise, but nobody should be hammering outside your window that early in the morning. 

Because I expect it to escalate, I have already drafted an email, which I will send to Joy if he keeps pushing me like this. I would rather an email that I can edit and that would be harder to deny than a face-to-face since there’d be a record of it. Yes, I know it is taking a risk should they be good friends with Joy or have connections in law enforcement like the freeloaders did, but sometimes we have to do what we feel is best. Life is about taking chances, isn’t it? I really hope it doesn’t come down to that, but just what did he absolutely have to hammer with such intense force at 7:45 in the morning? Tom said the walkway looks fine. I agree, from what I saw going to get the mail. There’s nothing wrong with it, so whatever he’s doing over there is not a necessary repair. This is an incredible display of rudeness and it has stamped out any last thoughts of trying to make peace with them. I’m sorry he reacted so poorly to my honesty and that he's such a sore loser, but I’m not sorry that I spoke my mind. 

There is nothing to suggest he has dementia, Alzheimer’s or anything like that, which can cause a person to turn on you. I think he’s just plain mean and inconsiderate. 

His upcoming actions will determine whether or not I contact Joy, depending on both the frequency and the time of day. It’s totally up to him at this point. I just wonder how I’m going to react when he finally starts waking me up. This isn’t 16 young people that could beat my ass in a heartbeat. This is 1 old man. 

All I know is that I don’t care anymore how much longer they’ve been here than us. And that’s fine that he wants to do things and keep active, but it shouldn’t be at my expense. I want to do things too, but other than when we’re landscaping we don’t make anybody else listen to us and I really expect the same consideration and respect in return. 

Just heard a few more bashes against something, this time softer and probably coming from the garage. It definitely wasn’t because of anything I was doing, because I don’t have any music on at all. It’s just his rude, “I’m going to do what I’m going to do and fuck the rest of the world” attitude. Really hope he does start hammering more often too early or too late because then I have definite grounds for complaint and then it will be more likely that I can do something about it.

Sure enough, Doc O feels I should be at 88 mcg. She said she can’t make me do anything I don’t want to do, but really believes it’s necessary since my thyroid only puts out 50% of what it needs to and that number will probably go down in time. 

I asked her what the odds were of me being flipped from hypo to hyper, and she said the chances were very low. I told her I was going on vacation and didn’t want that playing on my mind while I was gone. She asked me when we were leaving and I told her January or February was most likely, and she said I had plenty of time to know how my body was going to tolerate it. She also reminded me that I could have an anxiety attack for any unrelated reason at any time. I agree, and as I told her, I believe the anxiety started with the levothyroxine, but other things in conjunction with it fed off of one another and I had a bit of a domino effect going for a while. 

Her mood seemed a bit different this time. Like she didn’t really want to see me. Maybe I read her wrong and maybe she was just pressed for time or upset about something else, but it almost seemed like she wasn’t exactly glad to see me. She didn’t rush me, though. I doubt it’s got anything to do with me, and this is the way she probably is most of the time, but I couldn’t help but wonder if it had anything to do with my not being able to keep my appointment with the psychiatrist. Or maybe even my message to Doc C somehow got back to her and she finds it disturbing. Remember? People always seem to know my business as well as be connected to someone I’m no longer connected to. Like I said, I doubt it had anything to do with me personally. I was a bit surprised she didn’t comment on Tom not being present this time around. There were a few times she smiled and went off-topic, but it doesn’t matter. All that matters is that she continues to do her job properly. 

When we were discussing anxiety and whether or not the medication was likely to cause it, she reminded me that a lot of things can get the heart pumping that has nothing to do with it. An example she used was how much she hates scary movies. 

“I love scary movies,” I told her. 

She said, “Okay, bad metaphor.” And then she said that she didn’t enjoy riding roller coasters or find watching videos of roller coasters entertaining. 

I told her spiders could get my heart going, and she knew how I felt, saying she’d recently found a black widow in her vegetable garden. I told her that it so happened that we were bombing the house at the moment. “For black widows?” she asked. 

“No,” I told her, “for any and all spiders.” 

Anyway, she doesn’t think I have anything to worry about and reminds me that going from 75 to 88 isn’t much. It’s like standing by the ocean and throwing in a salt tablet. Well, can you find your salt tablet? she asked. 

She also said she thinks I overthink things at times. I told her I think she’s right. :) 

Still, I am a bit nervous about it and I’m not going to start until the weekend when Tom will be here, even though it’s going to take time to be a problem if it’s going to be. 

She also said it makes no difference if you took two 75s one day and a 75 the rest of the week. It still equals 88 a day for a week, and no matter how you take it, it’s all the same. If I do run into any trouble, however, she said not to stop the medication. Just call her and get to the lab so they can see if there’s a connection to the levothyroxine or not. Past experience has taught me this is very important, too. I stopped the meds when I first ran into trouble and that caused me to test as hypo when I KNOW I was hyper. It just would’ve been nice if the bitch I last saw had warned me that could happen. 

I mentioned the strange throat pain I’ve had a few times and she wasn’t sure what to make of it, but suggested allergies could’ve had something to do with it. Unless it becomes a regular thing, I’m not going to worry about it. 

Out of curiosity, I asked her if the dose increase would affect my weight and told her that while I haven’t dieted recently, my weight still won’t respond to diet and exercise. She said it might help a little, but probably not much. I figured as much, but at least I don’t have to worry about gaining. Good enough for me for now, though she did say my weight was down from the last time. I was like, really? I thought it was the same. But it was down 2 pounds.