Last night was the second night in a row that I slept great and got a sleep score in the 90s. The last couple of nights I took 2 milligrams of melatonin instead of 1 and I wonder if that has anything to do with it. I know that the cold weather helps and not having to crank the sound machine up. The hot flashes have been barely existent. If only I liked the cold! We could live in the Midwest. That would certainly thin the crowds too. I bet it would be even cheaper than Florida.

Fitbit says I usually wake up six or more times but I only woke up twice, and I don’t even remember it. I just remember waking up in the end and assuming it was only around 2 in the morning since I crashed at 10 and was surprised to find it was after 6. I woke up feeling the most refreshed I felt in ages.

Getting a 4-tier lipstick holder with 24 compartments to hold my first set of paint tubes. I don’t expect to paint again until I’m back on nights. I prefer to do certain tasks when there are fewer distractions. Even though it’s quiet overall, just a couple of car doors and I’m thrown off course. So when I’m working on things like stories and things that take concentration, I don’t like to have my train of thought disrupted.

In reading back through journals, I found that my dad had gallbladder surgery. He told me this in a letter he wrote me in 2008 but I had forgotten. Yesterday I had no problem but today I’m a little crampy. I’m definitely going to be pissed if I can’t get anyone to remove it even though research shows that’s likely what they’ll want to do.

Yesterday was a prime example of why I could never lose weight no matter how my metabolism was. Early in the day, I became hungry. And then I was lightheaded and weak feeling. I had to eat four times instead of three so I’m up a pound. I lose and regain the same few pounds. It used to be that I could ignore the hunger and it would eventually go away. But now it just persists all day long, and I get lightheaded and feel kind of crappy. I don’t know what makes me so hungry these days, but I have way too many hungry days in order to lose the weight. I just undo what I lose on the days that I’m not so hungry. That’s OK, though. The weight hasn’t killed me yet and this is what I’m used to.

Began this week’s challenge yesterday. Last week, we went to Finland, Indonesia, and California. This week, it’s Ukraine, Scotland, Tasmania, and Rome.

Between the cold and the nighttime, I slept well. A little over 8 hours and a sleep score of 90. I did get up to pee, though, and I love how I can turn off the sound machine when it’s too late for loud motors and just sleep with the air cleaner. There’s just a slight risk of a copter at that time. Wish it could always be like this!

Tom did a mini beach painting. Not bad for his first try!

Because of my gallbladder issues, I’ve been trying to tame my eating. Winddown time is at about 6:45. So breakfast will be at 7, a snack will be at noon, and my dinner will be at 5. I’m not counting calories, but I’m watching portions. I’ll have cereal and a banana for breakfast, lunch will be Vienna’s, and dinner will be tilapia with rice and veggies. I may have a handful of blueberries throughout the day.

Tom wants to get his weight blood sugar and blood pressure on the 1st and 15th of the month. He’s off to a horrible start at 279 pounds. He’s got to change his eating habits. The thing is, he hates everything and doesn’t cook. He lives on nothing but processed food.

I’m 159, but because of my thyroid, I don’t expect to get more than a pound or two lower. My blood pressure is slightly high now. I haven’t checked my blood sugar yet. I know losing weight would help with blood pressure, blood sugar, cholesterol, fitness, mobility, and pretty much everything. But even if I was suddenly able to do that, I still worry about the med.

I was a little surprised to find my resting HR has been between 84-86 this last week, but then lately I’ve only been wearing the Fitbit to bed. I don’t feel like it’s been racing. For the next 2 days, I will cut my waiting time to 15 minutes before coffee, and then it’s 45 minutes every day, and hope for the best! If I’m in the single digits and feeling good when lab time comes, I am not tweaking my dose.

Tom just came in and said he knew why his weight was up. He forgot to take his blood pressure medication yesterday. He said that also explains why his blood pressure is through the roof. He took it three times and it said he was 158/90. So he’s kind of waterlogged right now.

It's strange that I dream of us in big, old houses so often these days. A reflection of my longing for a bigger place? A sign of a bigger place to come in the future? Either way, we were in a three-story house that was so huge that it was almost like a mini apartment building. We were letting someone rent or stay on the 2nd floor for a while.

There was a white dog in the neighborhood that barked all the time and I was pleased to know that the guy staying with us wasn’t the only one annoyed by it. I asked if he was going to say something about it, and he said he was going to do something to the owners, although I don’t remember what. Whatever it was seemed to be more about revenge than fixing the actual problem so I wasn’t sure it was a good idea.

Then I was in a house that looked like my childhood home. A salesman came around and laid out some stuff I wasn’t interested in in the living room and I got creepy vibes from him. I managed to usher him to the door, saying that my husband would be home soon and we would discuss things and get back to him. As soon as I got him out the door, I quickly locked it. But the bad feeling lingered so I made sure both the front and back doors were locked and hoped he couldn’t pry the basement hatchway open. I caught sight of the guy lurking about the house rather than getting in his car and leaving and woke up debating whether or not I should call the cops, do nothing and wait, or go out and confront the guy.

I guess “I’ll just lay down for a few minutes” really meant “I’ll take a nap.” I woke up kinda tired at 2:00 anyway, so I’m not too surprised. My sleep score was slightly low for me.

No pain or nausea after eating or now. I sure felt bad earlier, though. Yesterday was the same as after Red Lobster with nausea, cramps, and acid reflux. The only things I can guess that might have contributed to it were the nuts and the crackers I had yesterday. Usually, I sleep these things off when I have a problem but when I woke up, I noticed I was still a bit crampy and nauseous.

I messaged my docs and asked why I wasn’t sent directly to a surgeon since we know from the HIDA results that my gallbladder is low-functioning and needs to be removed. I just worry it’s going to be weeks or even months before the gallbastard is removed and my symptoms relieved. They said it pretty much had to do with insurance and the fact that my ultrasound didn’t show anything dangerous that would be considered an emergency. We talked about possibly going to the ER or urgent care, but since it wasn’t like I was doubled over in pain and unable to walk, I decided to just wait and look for ways to help myself. So between our research and a link they sent me, I’ve got a list of foods to avoid and foods good for gallbladder disease.

Some of the things that don’t help are that I haven’t been active enough lately (lol, too addicted to painting) and that I’m fat. I can’t lose weight, but I can certainly move my ass more and watch what I eat. No more snacks for a while! When I’m not outdoors, I’m going to make a point of doing 5-minute walking/jogging sessions on the treadmill when the weather isn’t suitable for outdoor activity. I need to build up my endurance, so I’ll start with doing 5 minutes a day for a week where I alternate between walking and jogging. The week after that, I’ll do it at the beginning and end of my day. The week after that, I’ll do it at the beginning, middle, and end of my day. I think 15 minutes is enough because I’m active with other things.

I will also work my core every other day and try to watch what I eat. Cut my portions too. My goal is a meal at the beginning of my day, a piece of fruit in the middle, and a second meal at the end of the day. I had chicken wings, veggies, and peaches. When I got up, I had a banana. I’m going to try not to eat until a few hours before bedtime, and then I’ll have noodle soup and Vienna’s.

I’m still hesitant to lose weight, even if I could do so easily enough and keep it off because I worry about how it may affect how my meds affect me, as I’ve said before. I suppose it wouldn’t hurt me to try to lose a few pounds.

My third session with Helen was about finding a “safe” place. That’s a place you create in your mind be it a beach, the woods, a desert, or whatever. I’m to go there when I’m feeling anxious and she also wants me to get in the habit of going to “Rainbow Beach” at the beginning and end of my day.

I also read her Aly’s letter.

From here, we’re going to go through a timeline of the events that were the most traumatic for me. My childhood, what happened in Arizona, and the 3 most terrifying moments of my Cali life.

If I’m still on the Do Not Call list, why are the sales calls back again? I’m not getting half a dozen to a dozen a day, but I’m getting more than I have been.

We just got a pack of lighters and then I found I had a couple in one of the desk drawers. I gotta start taking inventory of stuff because I just can’t remember shit. The smaller the place, the harder it is to find things too. I’ve been wanting to arrange stuff anyway, now that we’ve been settled in. When a miracle happens and I have energy and no pain, I want to rearrange the stuff in the bathrooms, kitchen hutch/white cabinet drawers, my closet, and the desk drawers.

Hmm… I wonder what’s up with the picture-taking next door. The other day, I noticed someone take a picture of the house from the street and then walk off. Yesterday I saw Irma taking pictures with a tablet. I really hope to hell they’re not getting ready to sell! But if we are here for life, then sooner or later we will get newcomers over there. The way retirement communities have gone from being about peace and quiet to being with people your own age, I would be very worried about what we may end up with over there. Motorcycles? Yappy mutts? 

I don’t understand why the garbage collectors don’t grab bins from both sides of the street at once rather than making a second pass to get the other side. I can see that you have to go back down the street with the trucks that have arms that reach out to grab the containers. But when you have people jumping off the back, they should be able to hit both sides at once. I would think that would not only cut down some of the racket but also get them out of here quicker.
 
Andy is a hard one to figure at times. He told me he doesn’t like to discuss health issues because the subject upsets him. Therefore, I haven’t mentioned needing my gallbladder removed. Last night, however, I did mention that I might be out of it for a day or two after having it removed. Then he got all worried, saying it's big news, and he’s been googling to learn more about it. As I told him, I would have told him what was going on, but I was only respecting his wishes after he told me that medical talk upsets him. He felt bad for falling asleep on me and didn’t want me to feel like he was blowing me off, but I didn’t feel that way at all. If he’d remained silent after telling him that I was having surgery without even a simple “good luck,” then I would have felt offended. I told him not to worry, and that it was actually a common procedure. It’s still nice to know that a person you consider a close friend cares. I know he wouldn’t want anything bad to happen to me and that it would really affect him if anything did.
 
I did an ocean painting on a mini canvas yesterday. Can’t say I’m too impressed with how it came out. As cute as the multi-colored little buckets are, they were a waste of money because they’re too small. They’re OK if I need to have my brush wet for a particular painting, but otherwise not good for rinsing. It’s better to just get up and rinse brushes in the sink.

I have a ganglion cyst on my inner wrist. It’s completely harmless and barely noticeable. Another person would never notice it, and it’s hard to notice it myself. But because I’m very observant and notice subtle changes, I noticed. My first thought was that it was a bug bite of some kind but then I realized it wasn’t. I can see and feel that it’s not upon closer inspection. It has to do with fluid buildup from the joints. They’re benign and often resolve on their own. But don’t you worry. I’m sure I’ll lose another body part soon enough. Along with acquiring some new disease I can’t treat, of course. Can’t wait to see if gallbastard removal ups my energy levels and downs the stabbing spells but I have a feeling I’ll be disappointed as usual.
 
I’m a little tired today after last night’s nightmare. I was a wanted fugitive. I don’t know what for but it must have been pretty serious because we were trying really hard to hide me and ended up in Seychelles, of all places. I jumped off a rock and into the clearest water ever.
 
Then we were home and some huge, alien-looking vehicle pulled up in front that I knew was law enforcement and I was terrified because Tom was out on some errand at the moment.
 
Anyway, my gallbladder isn’t bothering me today but yesterday it bothered me enough to have to take something for it.
 
I now have side-swept bangs instead of straight down or parted in the middle and I kind of like this look.
 
Ran out to the dollar store yesterday and got this cute little toy rat. I love all things rodents.
 
“Michigan and California institutions ban the word 'field' as racist.”
 
You gotta be fucking kidding me. Is anything not racist these days?

I finally have an appointment at the end of the month! My only concerns are that it may take months before the gallbastard is finally removed, and then there’s the fear of them not wanting to remove it at all. I can’t see the last one being likely, though, because that seems to be the only solution and I’m in a lot of discomfort. I get crampy and nauseous, and there’s a whole lot of gurgling going on.

I worry that after I see the GI doctor and then am referred to a surgeon, there will be a pre-op appointment as well as a consultation before the actual surgery. So I could be looking at three appointments before the damn thing is removed. I don’t know exactly how it works. I don’t even know why I have to go to a GI doc and why I can’t go straight to a surgeon since they have the damn HIDA results.

I’ve also found conflicting information. Some sources say gallbladder removal is major surgery and a last resort for doctors. Also, expect to be in the hospital for a few days. Other sources say it’s relatively quick, minor, and very common, and you usually go home the same day.

I was able to get caught up on sleep, even though he came in on the motorcycle while I was asleep. I heard him leave, though. Tuesdays at 10:30 seems to be a common time for him to take off.

I expressed my frustration to my docs over the referral issues. They were very apologetic and referred me to another doctor in Lutz and said he had an appointment available as early as Thursday morning. So in a couple of hours, I’ll call the office and no doubt get the usual run around. That is assuming I can get a hold of anyone in the first place.

I’m totally exhausted today. Getting a little lightheaded now, too. Yesterday, I had great energy and was very productive. But I didn’t sleep long enough last time around. I don’t know why this happens so often but it does.

I finished a painting yesterday on the small canvas. I think it’s a 5x7 canvas. It came out well but I don’t see myself ever getting that good. The painting was based on a YouTube tutorial vid of flowers against a blue sky.

We’ve got some more canvases and an easel coming for bigger ones. I also ordered some chalk and tiny buckets for water to hang on the hook in the center of the easel. The little buckets are colorful, and the easel is kind of colorful too as each of the poles is a different color.

The chalk is good for outlining things you want to paint. I didn’t know you could use chalk on painted canvas. I’m following a woman named Michelle who has a painting channel and is very talented. She shows you how to do a painting called Spotlight Ballerina and I wanted to try that next but realized I should gain some more experience before I jump into that one. She uses a primed and stretched 20x16 canvas. I think I should start smaller, though. So we ordered a pack of flat canvases in a variety of sizes. I think I’ll look for tutorials depicting scenes I’d like to paint based on the size of the canvases and slowly work myself up bigger and bigger.

Tom grabbed a new pack of shirts. They’re just cheap T-shirts for hanging around. His last set was all bright blue. This one has dark colors of navy, charcoal and red.

I could kick myself for using cheap dye because my hair is fried and thinner. Once again, I am going to try to convince myself not to dye it for a while and will probably cut it soon enough to get the damaged hair gone. When I do go back to dyeing it, I’m definitely going to use the more expensive stuff that’s not so harsh on my hair.

Poor Tom stabbed himself in the hand with a fork yesterday when he was poking holes in his potato. His skin is so thin that he bleeds easily. I’m glad I was there to help him get a band-aid on. Especially with his essential tremor. He learned that if he ever has problems eating, they have weighted silverware. The thing is, if he holds his hands out with nothing in them, they shake. But if he weighs them down with something, they don’t. His left side is worse than his right.

We were going to go out to the store this morning, but I’m way too tired. Since Wal-Mart loves to discontinue things, we go to the dollar store for low-sodium Vienna sausages until they stop selling them there as well.

The honker’s visitors left a few days ago. I’m surprised he hasn’t ridden the motorcycle since then. The lady in front of us down the street rides hers but not every day. She’s not a threat to my sleep anyway. Just annoying when she revs it.

Tom did see a guy head down the street on a loud one a couple of days ago. I think I know who he’s talking about too. I don’t know that this person lives here, though. I still play the sound machine louder when I’m sleeping during the daytime, just to be safe. I hate having to do that but it’s looking more and more that despite my vibes, we’re not moving.

He said the horses did terribly yesterday. I still say he’s dreaming and that downloading the spring data (he wants all seasons) isn’t going to help or change anything, and our best bet is to just get on with things like completely soundproofing the bedroom, redoing the floors and adding additional counter and cabinet space in the kitchen. Can’t enlarge the living room, but we can make other improvements.

Do I like the fact that I’m going to spend the rest of my life in a house that isn’t as big as I’d like and in a flight path? No, I don’t. But life isn’t usually what we plan or want it to be and things could definitely be a lot worse. I would certainly rather spend the rest of my life here than in our old house, Jesse’s trailer, or the dump we rented in Oregon with just one bathroom. It’s not always easy, but sometimes we just have to accept things, just like I’ve had to accept that I’m very likely going to suffer from anxiety on and off for the rest of my life and I’m never going to lose weight either for a few reasons.

I miss using my vibration platform. So when my energy levels will let me, I’m going to get back into that. I like the way it makes me feel and the way it tightens and pulls my core in so my clothes fit better.

I wonder if anyone’s ever going to follow me on Tumblr that isn’t a porn bot.

The phone game frustration goes on! Tom finally got a hold of the doctor and of course they are out of network. He then called the insurance and of course they can’t talk to him without my approval. If I could have been available to give my approval, then I could have made the damn calls myself! He was able to ask them questions in general like how we should handle it if my doctor gives us a referral to a doctor that is out of network. They said the best option is to call my docs (I didn’t know they could be called) and that way we can get it resolved quicker. They did ask which doctor we had a referral for. When they checked their system they said that office should be in network (so it isn’t my doctors' fault, the computer list is wrong).

Then Jessie told me good luck getting a GI doc because even though it’s an emergency, Belle can’t see one until at least February. No wonder I started having a vibe saying I won’t be going under the knife until late February. I know her daughter had an emergency appendectomy but what other emergency is going on with her, I don’t know. Thank God for urgent care and ERs! Not worried that my gallbladder will turn into an emergency situation, though. I also didn’t realize Belle moved down here. Jess said she didn’t think she would because she doesn’t like hot weather.

The weather is anything but hot now. We've got another cold spell on us. We’re having lows in the 40s and 50s.

Said hello to Irma and Richard earlier when I opened the door to check on the plant I put outside. They were heading off somewhere.

They had the AC people out last night at 10:30 and I could hear them rummaging around in back. If they need a new unit, I really hope it isn’t installed when I’m sleeping! They’re way too close!

It was weird because the honker was heading out in his truck and had to have seen her waiting at the end of her driveway, obviously wanting to say hi or whatever. He couldn’t have missed her yet he ignored her completely. His fellow honker and door-slamming visitors are still here. If I read correctly, school starts in Canada on the 11th, so they better hurry up and get going. It’s got to be a 2-3 day drive.

To my surprise, it looks like I’m finally getting some cacti sprouting up amongst the dill which is doing great. Maybe I was underwatering it although I would think cacti wouldn’t need that much water.

The smudge bowl burner came today. It’s a nice abalone shell. Not impressed with the smell of Palo Santo, though.

The new slicer is great. If only it diced too, in various sizes and then I wouldn’t need the rainbow box grater or the two dicers. With limited counter space and cabinets, it’s best to not have as many appliances and utensils.

During a bored moment, I researched Helen out of curiosity to learn what I could about her. Looks like I did a good job of picking older, but I’m not so sure about a non-gay hater. Or is she really a hater? I don’t know how I missed it, but her faith is listed as Christian, and biblically-based Christian counseling is part of her services.

She has a very common name, but how many people with her name could be a therapist in one state? So could she be sitting there thinking, well, I want to help this person with her anxiety and depression but she kissed a girl in the 90s and liked it so it’s too bad she’s going to hell?

She asked me where I thought I might go after I killed myself if I did and I felt as if it was to see if I would say that I was afraid I might rot in hell or something. In reality, I don’t know if there’s any form of punishment for those who kill themselves or others or if people just say that to scare people out of doing those sorts of things.

Tom said she’s not much of a therapist if she cares about that sort of thing, but doubts that she does. I wouldn’t think so either but it’s worth mentioning to her. She’s known all along that I’m bi, so if she really did have a problem with it she could have dropped me.

We weren’t able to get ahold of the doctor today. I guess this doctor has three different offices in three different locations and no one was working in the one he called. He left a message before I got up, so hopefully they’ll call him back. It’s really gonna piss me off if they tell him he’s not in network. I just want to get the show on the road and get this gallbladder out of me. I’m not in pain, per se, but it definitely makes me uncomfortable at times. I still get intermittent cramping, acid reflux, and mild nausea.

I asked some people on my Facebook profile and the park group if they’ve had their gallbladder removed and what it was like afterward, and most people said it’s no big deal, as expected. What did surprise me was that Becky said she continued to eat the same things after surgery. I thought I would have to cut a lot of different foods out, but maybe only in the beginning.

Irma wished me luck and said, “Your neighbor is here!”

Yeah, we saw. They have a new vehicle too. I like the color better than the other one. We also saw the water company turn their water on.

Made salmon patties for the first time, and they came out okay. Perhaps a little bland, so I think I’ll probably add a little more mayonnaise to the mixture that I have leftover, as well as some garlic salt. All it contains right now besides the salmon and a touch of mayo is flour, cornmeal, green onions, and an egg.

I was supposed to have some of these ingredients yesterday, but Walmart fucked up yet again. They brought us everything but our refrigerated stuff. When he called to get our money back, they promised him it would never happen again and he told them, wow, that’s pretty funny since it’s already happened three or four times.

Of course it will happen again!

For now, I only stuck one of the fake nails on the split nail to hold it together and prevent me from snagging it because it’s so long that it makes functioning hard. I’d hate to have them on every single finger! I’ll put stickers on the other fingers. It might be better to put several layers of nail polish on the torn nail.

I’m a little tired today but not as bad as yesterday. I napped for a little while in the evening. I wonder how much of the fatigue could be connected to my gallbladder, but I don’t dare dream and tell myself that maybe the anxiety is connected to that since I read it can cause anxiety and depression and that I won’t have these spells afterward. Besides, just like Tom and Helen pointed out, it’s likely multiple things causing it. The more I eliminate, the better, though. I’ve done well for a couple of weeks, so hopefully I’ll go longer.

When I was woken up by acid reflux a couple of nights ago, I swear I was in some very real but different world. I don’t remember a damn thing but just the feeling it gave me. It was as if I literally went somewhere that I can only go when I’m asleep. Where I normally remember most of a dream if I wake up during it, this one fizzled out of my memory in seconds, as if I wasn’t meant to remember this place that I can only go to when my mind is asleep. It was the weirdest thing, but kind of cool. It’s a feeling that’s hard to describe but distinct from waking up from the average dream. I’m learning to read my dreams and differentiate between meaningless dreams, dreams that could be a reflection of my life and thoughts, dreams that could be a sign of something, and dreams that could be me slipping into another universe.

Later...

I’m sure there’s a plausible explanation for this, but something really weird happened after I finished Aly’s goodbye letter yesterday that Helen wanted me to write. After ending the letter by saying I hoped we would meet up if there was an afterlife, I turned away from the screen for a split second with speech-to-text still running. When I turned back, the word “OK” was at the end of the letter. No joke. Again, there’s probably a plausible explanation like if I sniffled or coughed or something. In the past, if I’ve hiccuped or burped it’s printed the word “them” or “him.” Not sure how you would get a two-syllable word that doesn’t sound like any noise I would make, though, so let’s just say it was a rather interesting experience that makes me wonder.

I feel like I’ve literally lost half of my hair or more over the years. I know hair loss is common with age and especially menopause, but it seems like a single braid is thinner than what one of two braids used to be way back when.

Trying to get ahold of a GI doctor in a rural area is pretty ridiculous. Tom tried another number today, but he got the same voice message. Tomorrow, he’s going to contact our insurance and find out who the hell we can call that will actually answer us. I’d really like to get the show on the road! I know it’s going to take more than one appointment to get the gallbladder removed. After seeing whatever gut doctor will see me, I will probably have to have a consultation with a surgeon. Upon a quick check of this gut doctor, he doesn’t do that kind of surgery. He shoves cameras up people’s asses and down their throats but doesn’t seem to remove body parts.

The way I felt sick after Red Lobster could probably be blamed on the gallbladder. Now that I think of it, yes, I ate a lot but I’ve pigged out before and didn’t get that feeling. I’ve had big meals at restaurants before and it shouldn’t leave me with such acid reflux and nearly puking.

I’m back down a couple of pounds, so I didn’t go up because of my thyroid but because I was eating too much junk. Based on my calculations, I’m guessing taking five 88s a week and two 75s is going to put my TSH at 6. Not dangerous but not low enough to lose more weight. Hopefully, it will keep the anxiety away, especially if I keep the dose consistent. I think knowing I have Helen also helps. Once I get to the 18th where I have six weeks until lab time, I’m going to increase my waiting time from 30 to 45 minutes. I don’t know if this will affect anything, though it may give me more energy.

He was able to bump my ENT appointment up to February 3rd. My ear definitely needs to be cleaned.

Not sure why it took a year but my old ENT finally turned my records over to Galileo.

I planted a mixture of seeds in the planter that has the single Petra leaf that survived. But then I noticed these tiny, little bugs so I put it outside. Didn’t really want that planter anyway because it’s not self-watering.

The dill is doing great and starting to get that feathery look the ends have.

Dear Aly,

During our 13 years as cyber friends, we had a lot of fun chatting and sharing experiences, thoughts, opinions, beliefs, and story ideas. Even though your sense of humor was a little dry at times, the things I liked best about you were your intelligence, your great memory, and your maturity. You were way beyond most people your age. We had a lot in common from our love of writing to our liberal ways and many health issues. You really understood the frustration of what I was going through.

Even though you didn’t talk to me for a little over a year at one point, you accepted me as I was and never tried to change me or pressure me into anything. I could always go to you for advice or your opinion on something and know that I would get a very reasonable and well-thought-out response from you.

We didn’t always share the same political views and you weren’t always very honest with me, which you did admit but we sure had a lot of fun and funny moments. Remember when we would have fun trolling Molly? With the way the gullible idiot could really drive us crazy at times by stalking, pestering, and following us from site to site, I can’t deny that some of the things we pulled on her were pretty funny albeit a bit childish. You and I always had a mischievous side anyway.

I miss our online hangouts from Twitter to anonymous Q&A sites to some of the blogging and diary platforms. I also miss our daily check-ins on Skype and WhatsApp. No matter who I meet on or offline, there will never be another Alison P.

I learned many things from you from trivial and mundane things to bigger things. It is a shame we never got to meet. If only COVID hadn’t come along and messed up our plans. More importantly, I wish you had survived your health issues and gotten to live out your dreams and be healthy while you were at it.

I loved you like a sister and I knew you did too. It pained me so to see you suffering one serious health issue after another. Life is so unfair! How is it that so many stupid, abusive, and even murderous people get to be healthy and live to grow old and get so many things they want while a 40-year-old with a good heart and great mind and so much to offer the world has to suffer and die?

I don’t know if your boyfriend Cam was for real or if he was a character you made up because you were lonely and still living with your parents, but I don’t care. I miss the hell out of you and wish you had lived! I would rather you had lived and then dumped me because then I would at least know you were still out there and maybe, just maybe, someday we could reconnect again.

I wonder if there is any kind of afterlife and what it may be like for you if there is. Have you been reincarnated as a human or an animal in this country or another? Are you in another universe completely unaware of this one and the life you lived? Do you somehow know what’s going on in my life and that I made it to Florida? Do you resent the fact that I got to live much longer than you did, or are you happy for me? I hope that if you do go on somehow, you have found what you didn’t get when you lived and that you and I will eventually meet. We’ll have a lot of catching up to do!

Good grief! First it was someone calling themselves Michelle calling about some kind of tax or loan relief thing, Then she disappeared for a while and someone calling themselves Nick Johnson took over. Now we’re back to Michelle. At least registering my number on the Do Not Call site has reduced the number of calls by about 95%. Obviously, there are still a few people who just don’t care.

The results of my HIDA scan show I have a low-functioning gallbladder. So I'm going to meet with the GI specialist and see if I need it removed. With all the ear surgery I've had, I'm not afraid of surgery. If it can relieve my symptoms, I'm definitely ready to go under the knife, LOL. It's pretty simple these days too, and I guess they go through your belly button. Robotic or laparoscopic surgery or something like that which is minimally invasive. Interestingly enough, biliary dyskinesia can cause anxiety and depression as well as a host of other symptoms. A normal functioning gallbladder is 35% or higher and mine is at 17%. There’s no way to fix it and it could get worse, so I’m guessing it will probably be removed.

It’s a good thing I kept this appointment because I almost canceled, thinking it wasn’t necessary. At first I didn’t think I was going to be able to make this appointment because of my schedule, and then I had a few days where it actually backed up, which it almost never does. I remember having a fleeting feeling that maybe something really wants me to make this appointment.

The only thing that will suck is that my diet is going to have to radically change after surgery. No more fried or greasy foods.

Between Facebook Viewpoints studies, the $25 gift certificate for leaving reviews, and royalty payments, a lot of what we recently got on Amazon was paid for.

I decided to get a new mandolin slicer because this one isn’t good for slicing, as opposed to dicing.

I also got some fake nails in a blue cameo design that will hopefully help with my split nail that just won’t grow out. The glue doesn’t seem to help much. The very edge still snags on things. So I figured that rather than wrap it in a band-aid, I’ll just slap on some press-on nails. The backs of them snag my hair when I’m shampooing it or if I scratch my scalp, but I’d rather my hair get pulled than my nail get snagged.

The last thing I'm getting is a smudge-burning bowl. I watched some videos and found that I didn’t smudge myself properly the last time around. I wasn’t supposed to keep it bundled, and I wasn’t supposed to put it out. You’re supposed to unpack it and put it in a bowl or something loosely, then light it and let it burn out on its own. I need to do it more often in order to get the medicinal benefits from it to purify our home and myself from negative energies.

The bowl comes on a stand and includes a smudging feather. Now I know why the witchcraft kit contained a peacock feather! It’s to help fan the smoke toward you. You just have to be careful not to inhale it so you don’t cough so much.

It also comes with a couple of healing crystals, a bundle of sage, and a palo santo incense stick.

I don’t know, maybe there really is something to these herbs and crystals because shortly after creating my happy jar spell, things have been better. I think a combination of things is helping, including having Helen. The more tools I have to help me, the merrier.

The only negative things I’m feeling today, although it’s minor in comparison, are annoyed and tired. On New Year’s Eve and the 1st there were fireworks/firecrackers that got kind of annoying. I can see doing it on New Year’s Eve, but the 1st?

There have been more motorcycle annoyances around here lately as well. Places always get noisier that I move to until I’m about ready to leave them so it’s no surprise. I’m sure that when the honker leaves, there will be something else. Maybe the mutt will bark more or a new dog will move in somewhere close enough to be annoying.

I’m lucky I wasn’t woken up on Tuesday because not only did I sleep through the garbage trucks, but Tom said a cement truck was a couple of houses down pouring concrete to widen someone’s driveway. Not for yet another motorcycle, I hope!

The honker didn’t wake me up because I woke up to pee, but when I did, he went out on his motorcycle at about 10:30 and returned at 4. Also, the lady behind him has been in and out on her motorcycle with a friend and that gets old as well. Fortunately, they don’t get too close to our place.

So much for thinking that having out-of-state visitors would keep the honker off the motorcycle because they’re still here. I get the impression that it might be the GF's brother or sister. They’re welcome to leave now so I don’t have to listen to the door slamming. It’s not too often, but the guy is definitely weird. He pulls in, gets out, shuts the door, opens the door behind him, closes it, opens the driver’s door again, closes it, then opens it a third time a second later. He couldn’t just leave the driver’s door open until he got everything out of it he needed?

So all three panels are back on the back side of the “doghouse,” especially with Irma on her way back any day now. Who knows what kind of power washing and other projects I may have to listen to right outside the bedroom? Sometimes I really do miss country living!

Just an hour into my sleep, acid reflux woke me up which is another symptom of a low-functioning gallbladder. I had to sip some water to soothe my throat so I knew my bladder would wake me up too soon. I managed to doze off for nearly an additional hour after that but then I was woken up by a nightmare. I must have lived close to the beach because I walked about a block, made a little turn, and there was the water. I swam about 25 feet from shore when I got caught in a riptide. I was screaming for help, but the people who were hanging out by the shoreline just stood there looking at me dumbly as if I wasn’t even there.

Had my second meeting with Helen and was just telling Tom about it until the redneck let his dog distract and interrupt my conversation with a barking fit. Sometimes I think about messaging him again, but you can’t make people give a shit. Also, when I complain, it seems to bother his girlfriend more than the barking bothers me. I guess I still care more about people’s feelings than I should. Especially when it comes to those I have to live with. I don’t want to offend anyone and make trouble on the homefront unless it’s absolutely necessary. There comes a point when you stop caring but I’m not to that point unless they let the dog bark longer and more often. How can you say it gets on your nerves and not do anything about it, though? He can’t Google up some tips and pointers on barking?

Now I’ll cover everything I remember from my one-hour discussion with Helen. She suggested I do a thing called square breathing when I feel anxious. I’m starting to roll onto nights, so I’m getting a little worried that those negative feelings are going to return. For now, I’m still doing okay overall but yesterday I was kind of just there for a few hours.

With square breathing, you picture a square, and you imagine you’re at the top of it. Then you inhale for four seconds. Next, you picture one side of it as you exhale for four seconds and repeat the steps on the bottom and the other side of the square. I’m aware of this technique for calming anxiety as well as this thing that resets the Vagus nerve. That one involves turning your head toward the right and glancing toward the right. You hold your head and your eyes in that position for three minutes, and then you repeat on the left side.

When I was telling her how frustrating it was to not know exactly what all the causes of my anxiety were, she said that I may never know. I guess what’s most important is how we deal with it. Trauma is stored in a layer underneath the muscles but she says no one is unfixable. As I told her, I just want to get back to my old self. Not my 20-something self of course, but the me that didn’t have this degree of anxiety and depression.

We talked about distracting myself from the anxiety and finding ways to not run from it but not dwell on it. As she said, I am dealing with it. So it’s not like I’m trying to ignore or run from it, not that this thing couldn’t let me ignore it to begin with. The thing is that while I have plenty of things to do to keep me busy, that doesn’t mean that my mind can’t wander while I’m doing most of these things. Diamond drilling, for example, is a relatively mindless task that is simply repetitive and takes time, but doesn’t keep my mind from going wherever. Even most of the things I do in VR allow my mind to wander, including jewelry making. I showed her the bracelet I made that I wore as an example, and she asked if I made my necklace too. I did, actually. I’m wearing one of the colored waxed cords with a crystal pendant. Anyway, the only activities that require a little more focus are when I’m writing, watching TV/movies, or listening to audiobooks.

Somehow, we ended up on the subject of role-playing when she mentioned being more creative and imaginative to help when times are tough. I would absolutely love to be able to drown myself in that as a distraction from reality when reality gets that bad. But the thing is, I can’t “trick” myself. I’m not 10 years old anymore, so I can’t make pretend games seem more fun and believable. It’s also not the same when you don’t have any wild fantasies you would just love to have become a reality. I don’t want to be a rock star. I don’t want to be friends with celebrities. I don’t want to be a magical fairy. I don’t want to be an alien living on some unheard-of planet. As I said, I would love to be able to drown myself in a world of make-believe, fantasy, and delusion but I’m just not able to do that.

How does one get trauma out of their body? I asked her, and she said that basically, you do that by focusing more on positive things. Maybe if I change my way of thinking and find a way to stop the negative thinking, the what-ifs, and all the future things that could go wrong, it would help. It certainly couldn’t hurt. The problem is that it’s very hard to control my thoughts at times.

As I thought it might, the subject of engaging in my community came up and as I told her, neither of us is sociable. I’m just not into people, even though I do have a variety of people I keep in touch with online. The thing is that people tend to have expectations I can’t always meet. They come to expect you to be around at certain times when you can’t be if you’ve got this kind of sleep disorder. I noticed this back in the other park when I went to the clubhouse for aerobics. It was almost like they expected me to be there every week, and then I would feel pressured to explain why I couldn’t be. I didn’t want to get into things that were none of their business and probably way over their heads but I didn’t want to feel like I was lying either.

I just don’t have any patience or tolerance for those who are judgmental, stupid, dishonest, and non-accepting. Helen asked at what point in life I came to start pulling away from those I felt were toxic. Well, the older I get the less tolerant I become of toxic people. I think the more experiences I’ve had with people like that, the quicker I am to recognize toxicity, and therefore, I do what I can to avoid them.

I told her that my own sister bashed one of my books in the name of revenge and so I started using a pen name, preferring to have a completely unbiased audience. So sometimes it’s better to keep things separate. I hesitate to get too close to the people here, God forbid have a problem with one of them, and then have to live with them.

When we were discussing death, dying and suicide and all that, she asked where I thought I would go after I died. And as I told her, I have no idea. I don’t know if there’s a heaven, a hell, someplace we simply float about, reincarnation, or nothing at all, the latter of which I hope is the case. I said that if there is anything at all, the multi-universe theory seemed the most plausible, in my opinion, then she asked what I would want that universe to be like if I could suddenly slip into another universe without the anxiety and depression. This would depend on how old I was and what my health was like and my living situation.

What makes me feel good? she asks. These days, I simply feel good when I don’t feel bad. In other words, I’m just very grateful for the days that I feel no anxiety and depression. And also when we do things we don’t normally do like the other day when we went down to Tampa and then to Red Lobster after my appointment. I told her about going to Orlando and how I won cruises to other countries years ago, but that the older we get and the more things we do, the less exciting these things become.

When I was telling her about how dark my thoughts sometimes get she was reminding me that I’m valuable and how it would hurt people if I died. I do get what she’s saying to a degree. I don’t know about valuable since no one depends on my survival but I can see where our loved ones and those we’re close to would be left with a mixture of grief, guilt and maybe even anger. Yet when I’m at my worst, it’s hard not to want to put myself first and do what I’ve got to do for my own self.

The last thing we talked about was Aly. I told her about our friendship, how we were going to meet before she died, and how much I miss her. I don’t think I’ll ever get over her and move on but as she said and as Tom agreed, you don’t just get over things like that or “move on.” She will always have been a part of my life and my memories.

Helen said there are different stages of grief, and sometimes we get stuck on one of those stages. She wants me to write a goodbye letter to Aly which I’ll read to her on the 13th. I’ll be wearing the necklace she made me in late 2020.

I wasn’t going to do an entry today but then I decided, why not? Just don’t have much to update on. Starting off the year in a good headspace emotionally although I was a little worried earlier because I was kinda just there for a while.

My buddy Kim and I have been chatting about current stuff as well as reminiscing about old times.

As far as the horses go, I have a feeling they’re going to be a black-or-white situation. The end results will either make just a few extra bucks here and there or a ton of money. We won’t be millionaires, but I think if it works out, it’ll make more than when he was working.

I want to eventually get one of my larger dolls this cute little rainbow skirt for newborns I found on Amazon so I can slip the ends of the onesies I’ve got inside it, making them appear like tees.

Dug up some dirt on the honker. He was in Canada from the 18th to the 28th and told me they had no power for two days when we were on our way out to CVS the other day.

They returned with a couple with two kids. The couple was chatting with an old couple that lives halfway down the street in front of us. So even their visitors know people here?

They’ve been quiet. Just a couple of screams and some door slamming. No motorcycle rides but the honker wasted no time getting right back to his cleaning obsession and cleaned his truck.

The honker’s wife left a message in the group saying UPS delivered a package on the 19th but it’s nowhere to be seen. I told her what our camera can/can’t see and said we didn’t spot a recording of a UPS truck then. Too many damn clips to go through. She thanked me for checking.

It was nice to see Toni out and about. She was in her electric wheelchair and from what I could see, she was watering some plants.

Redneck is getting carried away with letting the damn dog bark. I’m just so glad we’re not in the corner house next to his driveway! I don’t know if he and his buddies get drunk or are just loud but they sit out there (playing cards?) and I can hear random shouts and laughter. It’s no biggie, though. I can drown them out almost as easily as I can the planes with air cleaners and fans. I’d rather them than the planes. They’re not out there 18 hours a day. But I’d hate to have that shit right outside the wall of my place!

So the honker got arrested for assault while off duty in 2011. No details were given as to who was involved or what it was about. I’m sure he was only in custody for five minutes and that was it.

It kind of irked me to find that he made 140k a year when he was working. Like Tom was any less deserving and didn’t work as hard? Also, I guess Canada isn’t much more private than the US with people’s personal business as I don’t think people should be able to look up someone’s income. It’s not exactly their business, is it? However, I wasn’t looking for that specifically.

I guess the pigs there are commonly referred to as constables rather than officers. A pig is a pig to me. They’re all the same. Mostly, anyway. Aggressive beings with a job that enables them to feel powerful. I can picture him getting into a fight too. They each got “minor injuries” the article said. Gotta laugh at the thought of creating a fake FB account to tell him, “I told all your neighbors of your arrest, north and south.” But of course, I don’t dare. With my luck, he’ll somehow find out I was behind the account!

Finally saw the Kyle Rittenhouse video, and no wonder he got off. He didn’t do anything but defend himself. I guess where people are pissed is because they think he used the potential riots as an excuse to hunt blacks that he hoped would give him a reason to shoot them. I still think somebody’s gotta take a stand to protect innocent people and businesses when the assholes are fixing to riot.

Although it was totally worth it, I ate so much yesterday that I nearly threw up. Tom was full as hell too.

Carol gave me Kim’s email address. Kim’s only allowed to use her smartphone for emailing a few friends, YouTube, and playing games. No social media or signing up for things. She says she’s okay with that because she mostly did that for Aly and I anyway and didn’t get much attention from anyone else. Gee, I wonder why! I’m sure I’ll be in for the usual long, rambling, repetitious messages, but that’s okay because I can always take my sweet time in replying.