Got my period this morning. I mean, I guess I did. I don’t have any cramps, but my tit pain’s down. It’s weird, though, cuz I’m not flowing, yet I’m not just spotting either.

Lady’s not pregnant, so that means that either Little Buddy and Sneezy are sterile, or complications arose when Lady gave birth, preventing her from ever getting pregnant again. What’s weird about Lady is that although she’s quicker to run from you than Sneezy, she’s also quicker to come up to you. Sneezy won’t run away as easily, but he sure as hell won’t come up to you either.

I’m more tired today than I was yesterday. Yesterday, I dragged myself out of bed a couple of hours earlier than I’d have liked to. Half the time, 8 hours of sleep is nothing to me. 8 hours just won’t cut it. Sometimes it does, but I usually need 9-11 hours of sleep. So last night I went to bed a couple of hours earlier hoping to catch up, but I awoke after just 7 hours of sleep. Guess I can thank the freeloaders for a part of it. Between the mental anguish over them and stressing out over this class bullshit, and thoughts of Teddy Bear, I’m rather restless.

If Teddy Bear does contact me, I just hope I don’t live to regret it. I’m so torn between wanting to live out my fantasy of being with her and wanting to love and stay with Tom forever! It isn’t just Teddy Bear fucking me over that’s a possibility. What if I fuck my own self over by leaving Tom for her, then live to regret it? I’d like to think I wouldn’t be that heartless, stupid and chancy since I could literally be throwing away my whole life if I were to go with her and end up getting dumped with no means of support or roof over my head. Also, I twinge with such sorrow and guilt when I think of leaving Tom all alone and lonely. Yeah, he’s a big boy. But he’s also human. Could I really live with myself then? For the rest of my life, could I really live with always wondering where he is, what his life’s like, who he’s with, etc.? Yeah, life’s all about taking chances, but could I risk having a home, medical insurance, financial support, and someone who fully loves and accepts me as I am? Could I really throw all that away for this woman? Could I love her more than I love Tom and feel even more secure with her?

No, I just don’t see how that’d be possible.

But I also don’t see how I could just ignore her and not settle my curiosity. Not only do I want to keep my word about the mice, but I want to see just what would happen between us if anything at all. Maybe she won’t be as good of a person as I thought she’d be. Maybe I won’t be attracted to her like I was before. Maybe she’s taken, maybe she’s dead, maybe she’ll never contact me. Maybe, maybe, maybe. I just don’t want to wonder about these things, I want to find out the answers to my many questions. Like, what is her first name? What’s her life like? Who is Officer R. D. Johnson and what role, if any, will she play in my life? That’s what I want to know.

Well, in less than an hour, I have to give my life back to the freeloaders, so I’m gonna sign off and get this encrypted. Just because Scot had a slight soft spot for me last week, doesn’t mean I’m safe from any surprise house tosses, and yes, I’m going to keep these encrypted. Nothing I say here is anyone’s business unless I choose to make it their business.

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I’m doing a rat experiment. Once again, I put the female babies in the new cage, but this time they’re in with mom and a wooden burrow to hide under. I was thinking that maybe they’d stay there this time around, but we’ll see. I thought Lady was going to kill them at first, the way she pinned them and had them squealing, but I guess she was just checking everybody out to see who was who.

For the first time in ages, I feel a little depressed. This began yesterday. Maybe it’s PMS or maybe it’s cuz I do feel a bit guilty for loving Teddy Bear. I know I shouldn’t, though, since we can’t help our feelings. I have no more control over loving either Tom or Teddy Bear anymore than I have any control over liking disco music and coffee ice cream.

Who knows, though? Maybe, if we do meet, I’ll discover that I don’t really love her and that I only thought I did. Or maybe I will and she’ll do something to snuff that love out. Or maybe I’ll just never see her again. I never thought I’d say this, but a part of me hopes I don’t. That way there could never be any potential conflicts or tough decisions to make. Or maybe I’ll leave it up to Tom. I’m used to others making my decisions for me anyway, so perhaps I’ll just give him the letter to mail and let him decide whether or not to mail it. See, if I have him take me to mail it, he wouldn’t stop me. And when I ask him what I should do, he tells me I have to be the one to decide. Well, if I’m not with him when he’s mailing the letter, that’ll give him an opportunity to have some say in the matter without my knowing it. If he ditched her letter, all I could do was suspect he didn’t mail it, but I couldn’t prove it and he’d know it.

It’s weird being kind of down after so long. I mean, I’m not bawling my eyes out in tears. I’m sure part of it really is PMS, along with being tired. It’s just that usually, if I’m in a bad mood, it’s cuz I’m either pissed, stressed out or both. I’d rather that, though, than be sad.