Still stressing over this class bullshit. This is the same stress I went through in jail. I knew I couldn’t have had these worries and bad vibes for nothing. I just didn’t know it’d take this long. Just why did they wait a year after my release to push this class bullshit? And once they see I have a diploma, are they going to push work on me instead in the name of control? Next thing I know my original fear will become a reality and they’ll be demanding that we move!

After having more time to reflect on it, I fear they won’t drop it because judges don’t change their minds as to what they’ve ordered. They simply don’t do that. It’s an ego thing. And if they don’t push the classes, they’ll just do something else. Remember, it’s a power thing, too. To them, making me pay the monthly fee and report twice a month isn’t enough control over my activities. They don’t just want to rip me off and make me pop in a couple of times a month, they want to control my life. And so does something up there. Once again, the more I go one way, the more I’m pushed the other. It’s like it wants me out of the house more often, yet I don’t want to be out of the house more often, damn it! Not unless it’s to see Teddy Bear. I just want to be left alone to live my life in peace and as I see fit. Who the fuck does this state think it is by trying to parent me around as if I were a child!

Sometimes I believe that the only way to escape society’s bullshit and the system’s abuse would be to literally drop dead. Being dead is the only way I could ever be free, but you know what, I’m not going to stress over this crap anymore cuz I’m not taking any classes. Period. This state is going to learn that no, it just can’t push people around whenever the hell they happen to feel like it. I’m going to put my foot down and stand firmly by what’s right. There’s what the so-called law says, then there’s what’s right. Well, it’s time to do what’s right in the case of Jodi S. Most of what I’ve done, paid, or where I’ve gone has been freeloader-influenced since ‘96, and it’s got to stop. It’s got to stop and I realize now more than ever that the only one who can make it stop is me. These people and the hold they’ve had on me aren’t going to go away on their own. It’s up to me to break the tie between me and the freeloaders. I swear, they’re either gonna end up driving me to my death or running me out of this house!

When I told Tom I was convinced Pérez never got my letter, he suggested that maybe she didn’t write back because they changed their policy about contacting former inmates.

Could be, but I doubt it. And I also doubt she would ignore my simple request and not write back. She was too nice to just brush me off like that. Again, I’m wondering if Tom mailed the letter to both her and Rule for fear of it causing us any problems. If he did, and if his suggestion is truly the case, then what about Teddy Bear? What? Is God up there saying, “No, I don’t want you out with Teddy Bear cuz that’s what you want? I want you taking classes.”

Well, I may not get my way in the end with Teddy Bear, but neither will God. My life is my life. It belongs to me and I’m the one that’s going to take charge of it.

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We put a room-darkening shade up in the retreat and two light-filtering shades in the bathroom. That’ll help with the cooling costs a bit more.

I still can’t believe someone had the stupidity to actually think my reading comprehension skills were low. I just don’t see how anyone could’ve concluded that, but even if they were, that’d be my problem and up to me to do something about it, not the state of Arizona.

Besides the fact that I wouldn’t waste our time, money, and gas going to court just to lose, I couldn’t stomach seeing those freeloaders again. I couldn’t restrain myself from pouncing on them.

“They have a right to be notified and to have some say in it,” Scot said when we were talking about the petition.

Yeah, I know. They’ve been having some say in my life since 1996. They’ve been having a lot of say in it.

Well, either way, time will tell if this class bullshit is either a fuck-up or a fuck over, and whether or not I’ll continue on with the probation. Right now the ball’s in their court, literally, so it’s up to them. My actions will depend on theirs.