I wasn’t going to write today, but I’m so bored! I don’t feel like doing any more office work or any working out. I already did some singing, fed the animals, and there’s nothing to watch on TV.

Tom says that his job’s erratic hours should settle down in about a month, but that’s hard to believe. He says that his taking over being the boss will lead him to even more raises and that in order to do so, things must be hectic for a while and that’ll sometimes include weekends. He’s been gone all day, and words cannot express how grateful I am to not want a child or have any sexual desires with this man, or else I’d be miserably depressed! Believe me, I’d rather be bored, even mad, than depressed.

I just hope nothing comes up to spoil our Wednesday plans. I’m looking so forward to making a day of it and having fun with no freeloaders involved.

I look out the window and I don’t see the freeloaders, I don’t hear the freeloaders, but why not? I mean, I may as well. They’re still very much a part of my life. Always with them, always with me. And while they’re not currently costing me my freedom, they’re invading my brain. Oh, how I wish I’d handled them differently! So many if-onlyies. Another thing I can add to my long list of regrets is going along with that 2-hour, seemingly asinine and irrelevant interview I went through at the courthouse prior to sentencing. Especially when she came out and asked about my income. That’s none of anyone’s business, I should’ve told her and then left. They would’ve threatened me and they would’ve bribed me, but they couldn’t have sent me to prison for refusing to do an interview and divulging personal information.

I still can’t believe that someone who never knew I even existed before October 30th, a perfect stranger, could sit in judgment of me and send me to jail! The mother-fucker may or may not have known the facts pertaining to the freeloaders or the pig, but I hold him just as responsible for fucking me over as I do the freeloaders, the pigs, and Paul. Any decent judge with a normal, rational mind would’ve said no to the DA’s recommendation. He’d have said that sending someone to jail for something they wrote, threatening or not, was a bit steep. Especially mail sent to an adult who had a choice.

Were Paul and the black pig connected? I’ll never know. Somehow I doubt it, though. Yes, it’s always possible that Paul also thought I was Jewish and had his own prejudices, but I think it was a case of common practice. I think public pretenders always try to deceive their clients in the name of control and saved money.

But the pig - that was sheer hate. Even if I weren’t Jewish; I was white and he wasn’t. I was also just another person he could manipulate and control.

It sounds so good and so easy to just tell myself, hey...you want to stop being their victim and stop being their victim right now? Then stop making payments, stop going to see Scot, and stop opening the door to him.

But they’d only come flying through the door as if I were a mass murderer. It’s a no-win situation. They’ve got me either way and there’s not a damn thing I can do about it. I’m forced to be victimized by these people and our shit system, and I don’t know if it’s more infuriating or frustrating! I’m as powerless to stop what’s been happening and what’ll keep on happening for another 550 days or so, just as I would be if I were being held down while someone else raped me.