They want, they want, they want! I’m so fucking sick of this state and its fuck-ups! And damn every mother-fucking freeloader to hell!

Everything will probably be okay, but get this - I go to see Scot today, and he comes out and says they asked for two things that have him baffled. First, they want their report a month in advance, and two, they want to know why I haven’t taken the adult education classes that Scot can’t figure out why they ordered.

To break that down, every 6 months, they want a progress report. He said he told them a few weeks ago that he’s not scheduled to do a report on me till the end of this month. The reason he doesn’t understand the adult ed. classes is that I’m a high school graduate. He says that 60% of the probationers don’t have high school diplomas, so that’s why it’s ordered in most cases. But since I do, he doesn’t see why it’s necessary. I offered to fax him my high school diploma, which Tom’s going to do tonight from work (always one more thing we gotta do for these damn freeloaders!). I’m also going to fax the sign language and manicuring diplomas.

Now here’s the real kicker - according to Scot, they said something about my reading comprehension skills being low. I actually laughed when I heard that, telling him I read just fine.

Tom suggested that since I don’t act like most others, they may have gotten the impression at the courthouse that I didn’t understand the papers I went over with the interview lady or something (it’s always my fault). But I never went over any papers with anyone. That was simply thrown in there for spite, no doubt, but as I told Scot, I’m not taking classes. He thinks he can smooth things out and doesn’t see why it’d be necessary for me to take classes, but he has to do his job. In other words, things aren’t up to him.

I know that, I told him, and I don’t hold him personally responsible for anyone else’s spite or stupidity. He’s the only one that hasn’t been corrupt or incompetent as far as this bullshit goes, and for the first time since I’ve known him, I truly felt like he was on my side and wanted to help by telling them, hey, I don’t see why she needs these classes.

See, this is what I’ve feared all along; that they were gonna get on Scot to get on me about either work or classes. I meant it when I said I’d put my foot down against any classes, and I reminded Tom about this afterward. It’s my fucking life and I’m not about to rearrange it for any fucking vindictive freeloaders or corrupt officials. For 36 years I’ve been treated like a child, and goddamn it, it’s going to end! Scot and Tom are probably right when they say I have nothing to worry about, but it’s just the whole point being that they’ve ruffled my feathers once again.

I’ve given this state everything. Everything. Half a year of my life and thousands of dollars. If I keep giving in to their spontaneous and additional demands, they’re really gonna try to take advantage of me. It’s like they’re testing me to see how far they can push me and how much they can get out of me. I wonder when they’re gonna try to milk us for more than $40 a month. Any day now, I’m sure.

Tom told me afterward that it isn’t that he blames me, it’s just that by not compromising and not being willing to act like most others, I’m going to have to pay the consequences of others misunderstanding me.

Well, he’s wrong. That’s how it was in the past, but that’s not how it’s going to be from here on out. To me “compromising” really means being phony and kissing ass so you can come off as others expect/want you to, but I refuse to be what society thinks I should be. I’m me. Period. So if people are stupid and if someone misunderstands anything I say or do, that’s on them, not me. That’s their problem and their problem only.

I know that’s not what this is about. I didn’t go over any papers with anyone. Nothing I said or did should’ve given the impression that I couldn’t understand what I read. I also find it rather ironic that someone could think that after I typed up page after page of the shit I sent that I could have trouble reading. What? Did they come up with that cuz of the deliberate, disjointed sentences I formed to be confusing?

I doubt it. I don’t know who the hell suggested I can’t take in what I read, but I’m not spending any more time, money, and gas on this shit, and I don’t care what the courts order. Tom says he’ll drive me there, and that’s all well and good, but enough is enough! What? Does God feel my life’s so damn boring that he has to have this shit pulled on me to liven things up? Well, I’d rather be bored out of my mind than cater to these freeloaders and the fucked up system.

But maybe you’re destined to take classes so you can meet somebody, Tom said. Somebody that may speak Spanish that’ll need your help.

Well, I’m about to alter destiny. I like my life the way it is, thank you, and I have no desire to meet anybody new. Being pen pals with Mary and then meeting with my Teddy Bear’s enough. Perhaps I’m even making a mistake by meeting with Teddy Bear. Perhaps I’d be smart by not bothering and by not taking any chances. After all, she could screw me over, too.

I could do without Mary, but I couldn’t bring myself to dump on Teddy Bear and just forget about her. Then I’d always wonder about her and what would’ve happened. Of course, there’s always the chance that I’m wrong and I never see or hear from her again, though that’s not what my vibes say.

I suppose, that if Silvia had known why she was kicked out of M Dorm, she could’ve said Teddy Bear was just as corrupt as the black pig was, but for entirely different reasons, of course. Teddy Bear did what she did cuz she liked me and knew I was more comfortable being alone. The pig did what he did cuz he hated both whites and Jews.

I assured Scot that they were no victims when he referred to them as that pertaining to my petitioning the courts. He said he just calls them that cuz that’s what they’re listed as, he wasn’t there, so he can’t say what really happened one way or the other. When we told him we never saw the pre-sentencing report (of course we weren’t shown it, it’s all lies), and when I told him I didn’t want to petition for a sentence reduction not only cuz of the corruption, but for fear of the freeloaders retaliating, he seemed pretty understanding and rather empathetic for the first time ever. It was the first time he displayed anything other than the usual no-nonsense, I-don’t-care, it’s-not-my-problem attitude, void of any emotions.

I thought it was a bit odd, though, when he asked if I’d seen them or called their house. I reassured him we didn’t want to know they existed, and believe me, if I had called their house, wherever they are, he’d know about it. So would the rest of the world.

Of all the things they could frame me for, at least I know they couldn’t accuse me of calling them since they keep phone records.

Of course, Scot was not only agreeing with me that they’d pitch a fit if I were to even think of petitioning the court, but he was also doing his job by encouraging me to do the rest of my time. Again, it’s a business just like any other. He works for the state, and as the state’s servant, he would never discourage clientele. That’s why they keep things moving, too. As soon as a dozen people finish their sentences, a dozen others begin theirs.

“I’m not gonna find a bunch of cops at my door over this, am I?” I asked him, and he said no, because I’m not in violation.

Well, if there’s one thing I learned not to do, it’s to not open the door to the cops under any circumstances.

All this time and I haven’t fought back yet, but boy let me tell you, if I get railroaded one more time - just one more time - I’m filing every lawsuit imaginable and then some. I’ll do everything and anything it takes to make those responsible suffer dearly, and if anyone wants to perceive that as a threat - fine!

What an eerie coincidence that the sentence is 3 years. That’s how long the freeloaders lived with us. It’s like I’m being punished for each year I tried to get them to shut up and let us live in peace. God really does punish me when I try to fight the cards he’s laid down for me.