Another thing I can relate to that Mary said was how she talked about only those she hated having a hold on her, whereas those she loved, like Todd, had no hold and were pretty much powerless to help her. This is exactly how it’s been for me, too.

Another thing is how others can get away with making all the snide remarks they want towards me, knowing there’s not a damn thing I could do about it. God help me, though, if I should be the one to make a snide remark or to speak my mind against someone who’s gotten on my nerves or worse. For example, it was okay for Kahn to rudely scream at me, but if I’d been the one to scream at her, hell, I’d have been thrown on restriction! It was okay for Donovan, a staff member at Valleyhead I despised, to taunt me about my weight, but had I dared remind her that she was no skinny-mini or beauty queen herself, I’d have been written up and maybe thrown on restriction, too.

The older I get, the more I realize just how horrible my parents were to me. On the other hand, if I were a dog, they’re the first people I’d pick as owners. Never once did they hit those dogs. Never once did they call them names. The dogs were treated like kings and queens of the household.

And if only I’d said/done things differently! I know we can’t go back in time and do things differently, but if only I’d put my foot down after Brattleboro and said, “Look, I’m not gonna play this game with you guys back and forth where sometimes I’m allowed to live at home, sometimes I’m not. First there were the camps, then Brattleboro – well – if you toss me out again, that’s it. I’m not coming back.”

Maybe I should’ve dumped them as soon as I graduated and just stayed at Valleyhead like I thought I was going to have to do anyhow. If there’s one reason, and one reason only, that I’m glad I didn’t dump them before June of 1992, it’s so that they could be my ticket out here. Without them, I’m not sure I could’ve gotten out here on my own and then I’d never have met Tom.

I wonder how they’d react if they could hear some of the things they say on tape. Would they cringe with embarrassment? I would if I heard myself tell my kids that the reason I hit them was that I loved them. I mean, do you know how ridiculous that sounds to say you love your kids so much that you hit them?!

“Oh, sweetheart, I slapped you silly cuz I love you.”

Give me a break!

Later…

Got my hair in dreadlocks for tomorrow. I think they’d think it was neat to see. I didn’t put beads in yet. I figured I’d do that before I left for what’s going to be a very long and boring day for the most part. Part of me isn’t looking forward to it at all!

As I was sipping coffee and waiting for Tom to return home this morning, I was thinking that instead of getting the two vinyls that are just as expensive as Tyler, I thought I’d just get the oriental one named Mei Li. Meanwhile, I’ll get a black, already-dressed fashion doll that’s the same size as Tyler and Mei Li from PG that they’ve had for $40, which is $5 less than Mei Li will cost undressed.

Then Tom got in and handed me some PG mail. Well Tasha, their black fashion doll, is on sale for just $20! I have to order her by October 5th, though. This way I’ll have a while, an oriental, and a black fashion doll. Tasha’s really nice. I saw her at JBS for an outrageous $140! I won’t describe her and her outfit, though, till I get her.

They have a new 22” Indian doll for just $25, but it’s nothing special. I hope Amelia made it in okay today and that she’ll be shipped to me by tomorrow. I asked them to let me know, but if I don’t hear from them by Tuesday, I’ll email them to see what’s up.

So, when we went to report, I noticed Scot’s SUV wasn’t there. Some other guy was filling in for him. I don’t know why he was out. We weren’t told. Anyway, the other guy was very nice. Made me wish Scot could be as friendly. Usually, Scot’s so gruff and serious appearing, though he’s been rather uppity lately.

Since Scot’s kept his word about it getting further apart between tests, I’m beginning to think he may wait till it gets just under a year to test me, then that’ll be it as far as the tests go. Meanwhile, 26 more reports and about 9 more house calls.