It’s not going to be cooling down anytime soon if we don’t get some rain once and for all! It’s just going to have to cut its losses, so to speak, and cool down on its own, cuz there ain’t gonna be a monsoon season to cool things down with.

I was surprised not to have gotten anything from Mary when he stopped at the Tempe PO box last night. By now, though, she should have the new address and her mail should be going to Maricopa.

We just did the monthly backups of my computer. Got one CD here in the office and one hiding down in the vents. Till we get a fireproof safe, it’s good to have one down there in case there ever is a fire. Being down under like that and encased in metal means it might come out of a fire unscathed. I just hope there never is one! There is more potential, though, with a wooden house versus a brick one like we had in the city. That’s not the main reason it’s down there, though. As long as I’m still unwillingly connected to law enforcement and a slave of this system, it’s staying down there.

A part of me hopes Tom doesn’t initiate sex this weekend for my sake, and if he doesn’t, that’ll prove me right all the more as far as what my gut feeling says. My gut feeling says what it’s always said when it pertains to sex or having a kid – that he’s making excuses and turning things around and onto me. In a subtle and manipulative way, he’s blaming me. I mean, it’s so easy for one to say some of the things he’s said. How easy it is to say you haven’t initiated sex with someone cuz of their indifference towards it, rather than to admit you’re not interested? So many excuses, so much implying or directly saying it’s cuz of something I did. Nonetheless, this weekend will tell me whether or not I’m really depriving him, and you know what? Somehow I doubt I am. It just seems logical to me that any normal human being would’ve complained here and there if they were really sexually deprived. So unless he’s getting it on on the side, which I’m virtually positive he isn’t, he’s just an asexual guy. He’s always had a low drive. This is nothing new. And he took the jail time as an opportunity to sever a relationship he didn’t want. I just don’t know why he has to feel compelled to say one thing and do another, though. If he wants to be platonic, why can’t he just say so and drop the mixed signals? I was honest with him.

If for some reason I’m wrong, though I’m willing to bet Bailey and Joy that I’m not, then I can test him on something else – if he was lying about the kid or not. Now that he knows we’re both on the same wavelength as far as that goes, he’ll really hold his cum back if that’s what he was doing in the past, knowing there were now two people against a kid and not just one. If he really held back for fear of impregnating me, then he won’t cum at all, let alone rarely.

As for me? I still would prefer not to have sex with him. The idea of it simply does nothing for me. I just don’t desire it. If for some reason he surprises me with wanting to get it on this weekend, at least I’ll know I won’t have to deal with his cum making a mess and that it’ll be a rather infrequent event. Remember, we never did have sex too often in the past. We were always “just getting back into it,” or “just building back up little by little.”

Also, at the same time I’m trying to be sensitive to his needs, it’s very hard for me to feel any concern for his sexual feelings/desires when he never gave a damn about mine in the past. It seemed he was more into turning me off than turning me on!

Anyway, I’m glad I mentioned getting on it this weekend, cuz I need to see if my gut feeling’s right or if he really does desire it and has been doing a damn good job at keeping his desire in check all this time. If he proves me wrong, then as his wife who loves him, I’ll do my best to please him. For his sake, I’ll give it my all.

Tom said not to bother worrying about my schedule. If we have to go in the afternoon, he can take the heat. Yeah, so can I now that I’ve been here a decade, but I’d rather not and I’m sure he feels the same deep down, so I’m still going to try to get there first thing in the morning.

I’d like some coffee now, but it’s just too hot. It’ll only warm me up and make me want to up the AC and up our electric bill, so I’ll wait till this evening. I spend most of the time on the eastern side of the house. Come late afternoon it won’t feel so warm in here and I can turn the fan off.

It occurred to me that another thing that might’ve turned Teddy Bear off was my knowing she was at Madison. I don’t know, maybe she got the wrong idea and figures that I appointed Mary to be my official spy or something and she feels stalked.

Anyway, I know I’ll be busy with other things real soon, so I’ve been fine-tuning like hell.

I wish it were at least January of ’03! That way I can be in the final year of having the freeloaders run my life, hopefully, and I’ll have Christmas and birthday money to play around with. All we get is $25 for our anniversary, and you know, I think that’s really stingy. This is a woman who has thousands of dollars just sitting in the bank, who knows we’re usually strapped, so why not a little more? After all, she gives everyone $100 for Christmas. I know it’s the thought that counts, but $25 in today’s world ain’t shit and I still think she can be as selfish as she can be generous.

Later…

Tom got up a little while ago. The stock’s doing shitty, from what he says.

Why is it that I have a feeling our plans are going to go up in smoke as far as a truck, classes, kiln, fences and other home improvement tasks are concerned just like they did last year? I don’t know if it’s a vibe or just based on past experiences, but something up there does not want me to succeed. It doesn’t want me being a dollmaker cuz it’s something I want to do. I’d bet anything on us not having a drivable truck by January. Something also doesn’t want us to have fences. Yeah, well, the freeloaders may go away someday, but dogs won’t, so we’re getting those damn fences one way or another, even if we have to use Dave’s truck. The only reason I was afraid to get them last year is cuz I knew that if I tried to rebel, block out, hinder or cut corners when it came to the freeloaders, God would just rain them down harder on us, so I kept the way clear for Scot to bug me anytime he chose to.

Tom says this is normal for the stocks to fluctuate and that everything will be alright, but he always says that. Everything’s always going to be alright as far as he’s concerned.

Anyway, we saw a documentary on rattlesnakes here in the desert. They can live up to 25 years! They only breed every two years and have about 10 babies which are independent from the start and just as venomous. They hibernate for 6 months and can’t move when it’s cold. So, if he needed to do work under the house and found a snake den under it, he’d get a hook and snare and transport them elsewhere. At least it’s more likely you’d be hit by lightning than killed by a rattlesnake, as they said!