As soon as I got up this morning, Tom said, “You know that mouse you’ve been having trouble catching?”

“Yeah,” I said.

“Well, it’s not a mouse. It’s Little Ratsy,” he said, and I was like, shit! Just like with the welfare-bumming black bitch when it came to our doorstep with its childish tantrum, I should’ve killed her when I had the chance.

So, we discussed various options as to what to do about her. I opted to try to kill her, but Tom was against it.

“But we have no choice,” I told him. “We all have to do things we don’t want to do practically every day of our lives. She could cause a lot of damage if we don’t do something.”

So we agreed, instead, to get an animal trap since she’d never let us handle her which is why I dumped her in the first place, then we’ll take her for a long, long ride, well away from the house. We certainly couldn’t give her to a pet store. Besides, she could very well be carrying diseases now, though she looks pretty healthy.

I really picked the wrong time of the year to dump her! I could wait till the heat and snakes came to claim her, but by then who knows how much shit and piss may be accumulated in the vents, and who knows how much chewing she’d do?

We talked about rat poison, but we wouldn’t want to her have time to get into the vents before it took effect and then have this decaying animal in our vents. Trapping her would definitely be our best bet and he’ll pick up a trap as soon as he can. We’ll probably bring her to a farm where she’ll have lots of cover and there’ll be less likely to be snakes there when they come out of hibernation. There’ll be even more food and water, too.

In other animal news, the water’s still cloudy and we’re losing guppies by the day. We’re still not sure what clouded the water or if perhaps they’re dying cuz it’s been too hot. We opened the lid to try to cool it down. I think we’re going to have to change the water in the end. Dumping the betta’s gravel might’ve had something to do with the clouding. At least the algae-eater and the mollies are doing okay, and I was wrong, Tom said he did see one of the new mollies attacking the first male mollie we got (after the first female mollie jumped). If we have an aggressive mollie that ends up killing the guppies off, then we’ll just go with all mollies.

Fish aren’t the only things to die around here. I found my favorite crab dead last night, too.

Anyway, we trimmed the skylight, though we didn’t do the greatest job at joining the angled corners. He had trouble getting the angle just right.

Men really are “pigs,” as they say. I had bought the toilet rug for his bath cuz guys have such lousy aim, but it keeps moving away from the toilet when we step on it, so I decided to hell with it and suggested he think about kneeling down for a change when he pees. Either that or piss in the shower, I told him (he laughed)! They ought to equip these houses with urinals just for guys!

The weather really sucks cuz it’s summer again. Yesterday it got up to 85° in here, but we didn’t bother running the AC. Today we didn’t want to roast again, so we kicked it on. I wish it would cool the hell down so we could take the front door off and apply the weather stripping, and so he can crawl under the house to try to find and patch up the vent hole. Right now it’s too dangerous as far as scorpions go.

I decided to get just pedals which you can get for about $30, rather than a whole bike. That way I can have more flexibility with it. Instead of just doing it while reading or in front of the TV, I can pedal while I sit at the computer and take it wherever I want to be. Even outside, though I don’t see why I’d bother.

I also decided, for once and for all, I’m gonna get that damn kiln! I was afraid God, or something, would punish me like it usually does for trying to go after my dreams, but so what if it does? I get punished for just breathing anyway, so why not have it be for a reason?

I just worry about Mary ending up heartbroken as the harsh realities of this unfair world really hit her. She’s not dumb or anything, but at her age, we all think we can have what we want if we just try hard enough. Even though she’s a good writer, deserving of fame and fortune, life simply isn’t what we plan it and we don’t plan the bulk of our destinies, even though we sometimes like to think we do, or else she never would’ve gone through most of the things she went through and neither would I. Same with the pardon thing. I’d hate to see her put faith in that only to end up still on probation a decade later, wishing she’d run cuz people just didn’t give a shit about doing the right thing by granting her a pardon.

I was thinking back to when Tom said he didn’t think it was a good idea to have Scot give us “report receipts,” cuz that’s saying we don’t trust him. Like we have reason to trust anyone in law enforcement? I will admit, though, that Scot hasn’t stepped out of line yet. The point is, though, is that that’s exactly what he’s saying about me when he has to have someone watch me piss, though I know he didn’t make the rules. Even so, he’s still saying he doesn’t trust me. Why is it always okay for someone else to do whatever, but never okay for me? Well, I am putting my foot down if the classes come up again. That much I do know. Oh, how frustrating and infuriating it is to have these perfect strangers tell me what to do and how to live! I’m serious, though, about that as well as with letting him know after this next test that that’s it. He’s welcome to have me strip-searched if he wants more tests, but I will not be embarrassed and degraded ever again! It’s a non-negotiable deal and I’ll tell him so, too. At $40 a month and 37 years of age, I think it’s about time I had a little say in what happens to me. I still don’t know if the only reason he’s only tested me twice in Maricopa is cuz of the lack of gawkers available. That’s why it’s important to me to set him straight after I let him have the satisfaction of getting one more test. I still think it’ll be the last one, but even so, I’m going to make sure he knows where I stand up front about that.

I’m just so fucking sick of being treated like the criminal that I’m not. In a way, I feel just as responsible for allowing myself to be abused and pushed around like this. After all, if a male slut called me saying I absolutely had to report to him so he could either beat, rape or watch me pee, I wouldn’t go to him. So why do I go to Scot? I guess I just didn’t want to give up this house so soon, but a part of me will always wish I ran and never gave the state the satisfaction of doing any more to me than the jail part of this shit.

I wonder if Scot will think I’m a druggie all of a sudden when I lose the 20 or so pounds I intend to lose. Tom says he won’t if I lose it over a couple of months and not too fast, but either way, I’m no longer letting my fears get in the way of me going after my goals/dreams, though just like most people, I know I won’t achieve most of my goals/dreams cuz that’s just not real life. Still, I have to live my life at some point and live it for me. I’m 127 pounds now. I need to lose weight and so I will. I intend to get down between 100-110. I may not be able to snap my fingers and make money appear magically, or jump to the moon, but I can lose weight as hungry as I know I’ll be.

Anyway, since I don’t see how God could stop us from going out and buying a kiln, molds and supplies to make dolls short of killing us (though he could stop us from making any sales), this means we may bypass going to JBS’s Kingman store on the way back from Laughlin. Who knows, though? Perhaps we’ll stop for supplies or maybe a doll whose mold I couldn’t get. Any ready-made dolls I collect from here on out will mostly be Ashton-Drake dolls that I can’t get molds of or vinyl dolls. Ashton dolls are limited edition dolls, versus commercial molds.

Wow! God loves me tonight. That’s cuz they’re really getting MP3 files from me. But it’s not at my expense, so that may not count.