We spent a few hours in the casino, and you know, I’m really getting sick of Mary! I appreciate her help and all that, but I’m just sick of her snobby, bossy, I’m-better-than-you attitude. I know no one’s perfect and it’s not like I hate her or won’t ever talk to her again, but I’d say the time has definitely come to avoid her as much as possible.

The whole time I felt like she was bored, even annoyed with my presence. Especially when I’d talk. When Tom or Mom talked, she’d look at them for the most part and respond in a friendly way, but with me, she might as well have told me to shut up. She had such an I-don’t-care and I-don’t-want-to-hear-it attitude no matter what I said. I let Tom do most of the talking. I didn’t really have a whole lot to say anyway.

I told her I was sorry if my email overwhelmed her and Dave, and she said the same thing Tom said she said about it being extreme. Then I got to thinking about it and was like, you know, all they have to do is save the shit and read it at their leisure. Did I say they had to read every single message as soon as they got it? No, I didn’t.

It was like once again I was being made to feel like I forced mail on someone, although in a very different way.

Anyway, unlike Dave who got a ton of jokes, Mary only received a few pictures from me and one email telling her about my New Year’s resolution, my helping Mary and trivial things like that. All of which I got absolutely no response to, as is the usual case. Not even a quick and simple that’s cool.

It seemed like she would argue or challenge a lot of the things I’d say. We were talking about which foods were good versus bad for dieting. When I mentioned the 5 no-nos being sugar, bread, potatoes, pasta and rice, she was like, that’s not bad, you just want to have them in moderation, and while this may be true, I still felt like I was being challenged for the most part.

Despite the fact that I’ve never been less than kind to Mary, I’ve always felt that she dislikes me, and it seems to worsen with time. I think Tom may’ve made me out to be the perp in the freeloader’s case like he did with Paula and that may have something to do with it, though she’s welcome to believe whatever she wants. Tom just seems hung up on defending others where I’m concerned, both directly and indirectly. Couples are supposed to defend each other no matter what. If he came home bitching about something Dave did, I’m not going to side with Dave or even suggest that may he’s wrong and Dave’s right. I’m not going to play things down, either. He challenges and interrupts me on a lot of things I say to Scot, and it really bothers me. It makes me look bad, not to mention the fact that I don’t like it. A spouse should stand by and support the other spouse when they’re talking. Not embarrass them. I mean, that’s disrespectful in a sense. It really frustrates me when he does that and even pisses me off somewhat. Especially when it’s not like I’m telling Scot I’m going to kill someone or something like that. All I’ve ever done, and at times when I felt it was best appropriate, was get my feelings off my chest. Not that I have the power to change things, not that Scot does either, but it just helps me to do so at times, even if things can never be changed. Tom keeps doing it, though. My requests for him to not interrupt or challenge me when dealing with Scot have gone ignored.

Anyway, back to Mary. She was playing a slot machine and I was standing next to her at one point. Naturally, as is fated to be, she was winning and winning while we lost the money mom gave us which was $40 apiece. The longer I stood by her, the more she started losing. Jokingly, although I believed in what I said, I said, “Oops! My no-win vibes are rubbing off on you.”

Then she snaps at me, telling me I needed to stop saying that, and I’m like, great. Another person telling me what I need to do and getting all huffy over the dumbest things. It’s like she took my comment so seriously! I felt like she was being very non-tolerant and rather controlling, so I just calmly turned and headed off to find Tom. I wasn’t going to hang around with what I felt was rather unpleasant company. I don’t tell her how to be and I wasn’t about to let her tell me how I had to be.

When I told Tom that Mary got mad at me, he looked at me with concern and I asked myself, why do I get the feeling this guy’s more concerned for her feelings than mine?

As we were about to leave, Tom and Mary were chatting and I was close by. I stepped away for a bit cuz I didn’t feel comfortable that close to Mary, and said to myself, watch. Mary will get into it with Tom about what happened, Tom will side with her, then he’ll lecture me.

That’s exactly what happened too, once we left. Everyone insists I’m negative, yet to me, I’m simply being realistic.

“Some realistic things may be negative, but you don’t need to keep going on and on about it,” Tom told me.

But I didn’t. I didn’t go “on and on” about it. I mentioned having no-win vibes when we first entered the casino, then I put in my two cents by saying that I believed winning chance games like this was a matter of fate, after Mary said it was attitude, then when I was joking with her about making her lose (perhaps attitude’s more connected to strategy games, but games of chance, I don’t think so). So 3 times, and once when Mary brought it up first. My, my! 3 might as well be 300 to these people!

Tom said Mary felt sorry for snapping at me, and I was like if she felt so sorry about it, why couldn’t she tell me that herself? Just like when she put me on the spot and rudely took my picture without asking first. She apologized to me through Tom.

Whatever, though. I mean, it’s done and over with. She’s not a bad person and neither am I. We’re just different. I’ll just avoid her with fewer emails/visits. I still wish people could be like, hey, that’s just the way she is, and get off my ass. I never snapped at Mary or tried to make her believe as I do, and I want the same respect I give her. That’s all I want. She’s her and I’m me. She doesn’t have to like me, she doesn’t have to be me. Meanwhile, I’m sick of people complaining about every little thing I say and do.

Then Tom was telling me that if you believe you can’t do something, you can’t, but I know for a fact that this isn’t true. There have been times when I surprised myself by doing things I didn’t think I could do and by not doing things I thought I could do. He also said most people believe they can influence machines with their minds if they have the right attitude, which is telekinesis, but I don’t believe in that. I don’t think people can influence objects or the future, but I do think they can see what’s ahead for them.

“You’re way out of the mainstream,” he told me.

Yeah, I guess I was born out of the mainstream. Meanwhile, does it matter what we believe? Well, it shouldn’t. What should matter is that we don’t push our beliefs on others and go demanding that they stop this or change that. It’s like how the emphasis these days is on careers versus family and how some of us old-fashioned homemakers have to deal with others pressuring us to work. And then there’s the love thy minority trip everyone seems to be on. What good is the saying about treating others as you expect to be treated when no one treats you as you treat them? I give others the freedom to be themselves. When do I get the same respect? It’s like saying there are good and bad in all kinds, but I don’t know about that. Sure it’s true, but I think some kinds are leaning towards having much more bad in them than good.

Like I said, I shall ignore her more. Ignorance really is bliss! At least for me, it is when given the opportunity to do so. Furthermore, I think Mary may’ve betrayed me when I confided in her back in ’96 about my sterility. I don’t think she mentioned our little talk to Tom, but I’m pretty sure she did to Mom, so 3 strikes and I’d say she’s out. Not hated, not dumped, just ignored and avoided as much as possible. I mean, look how often she’s been to our house as opposed to us being at hers. There’s a huge difference. She rarely comes here, so I’ll rarely go there. Meanwhile, Tom can do as he pleases. He can talk to her every day if he wants.

At least Mary doesn’t live 3’ away, although as I’ve learned the hard way, not living 3’ away doesn’t always mean you can ignore someone.

If it’s true that we don’t do what we don’t think we can and we do or do what we think we can’t, why didn’t I become a singer back when I wanted that? Why didn’t he cum when he was so sure his problem would magically go away and that he’d cum regularly? Was it perhaps because he didn’t want to?

I wonder something, something that crossed my mind last night. Well, if my feelings of being teased by him back in the old house about having a kid were justified, could part of the reason he hasn’t been interested in sex be due to knowing he couldn’t tease me about that now? Would my not wanting a kid anymore take some of the “fun” out of it?

Anyway, the buffet was okay. Nothing great, but nothing bad.

The dolls in the gift shop, though, were like – wow! Much cheaper than I thought they’d be with a great variety. They had a bunch of small dolls that I never thought I’d get, but I couldn’t resist. They’re not realistic looking at all, but they’re so cute.

One’s only 4”. It’s all porcelain. You can stand it up or sit it down. I have it sitting. It has painted blue eyes and light brown hair. It wears a sleeveless dress with navy leafy vines on a white background. She wears a straw hat with trim consisting of the same material as her dress.

The other’s a blue-eyed blond that’s about 9” tall. Her dress is stunning. It’s lavender with colorful shiny trim. It also has white lace, lavender rosebuds, and skinny ribbons. She can stand or sit too, but she doesn’t sit well. She kind of straightens back out. She’d be a great doll for that 36” Chris doll to hold. Her hair’s swept up in a pile of pin curls on top of her head. In front of the curls is a lavender feather.

I named them Katie and Misha, using the names of dolls given to Paula.

Together they cost $19.50 (there’s no tax on the reservation.) I got them with the second $20 Ma gave me, knowing I was destined to lose gambling. (I have good vibes for Laughlin, though)

PG has a 35” doll named Juliet with lavender eyes, but I don’t know if I’m going to bother stealing it if I can. I just may not bother with them altogether. Besides, I don’t want karma to see me punished for 7 years for stealing an $80 doll.

Tom’s going to be installing a shower surround at Mary’s place, and of course, during his vacation, we’re going to hunt for the vent’s opening, tighten the house’s 60 jacks, and put the weather stripping in the front door.

I think there’s time to flip my schedule between now and the next freeloader day. I think I’ll do that, then stay on days throughout his vacation.

Speaking of the freeloaders, I dreamt last night that I went to see Scot and he said something about some dude he talked to being “impressed.” He went on to talk as if I was going to get off probation, then informed me that someone (obviously with much more authority than him) would be coming to see me at home.

So this dude comes to the house questioning why I’m sometimes on nights and sometimes on days. I told him I failed to see where that was relevant to my moving on, and furthermore, I wasn’t obligated to explain my lifestyle to him.

When I cut to the chase and asked if he was cutting me loose so I could get on with my life, he said no, but that he had a deal for me. The so-called deal was that if I could do one of the many impossible things he laid out for me to do, I could then be free to move on. Things like building an airplane, a tall building, a big mountain, etc.

I sat back, arms folded across my chest as I stared at him incredulously. Finally, I said, “Get your ass out of here. And don’t let me see it again.”

I wonder if Scot has stopped by during any of the times I’ve been out, which has been quite a bit lately (see, God? You don’t need to keep me on the appointment frenzy in order to keep me getting out regularly!), but I suppose that’s a stupid question. Of course he hasn’t!

I toyed with the idea of rearranging my office because just like the air cleaner did when it was on the other side of the wall behind my monitor, the fish filter’s making my monitor a bit jumpy. It’s got a slight tremor. I decided I can live with it, though. I really don’t want the hassle of rearranging right now. I wish my closet wasn’t where it’s at. That’s actually where I want this desk to be. Then I’d have a hell of a view.

On the way back, we stopped and picked up a letter from Mary with a 10-page draft. Sending them in 10s is good. It’s less confusing that way. Especially since she took my advice about continuous numbers. I sort of wish she’d take my advice about these poems to her future soul mate too, and put a hold on them. It just seems a bit premature. We’re supposed to be concentrating on the book, or so I thought. Besides, what if she doesn’t meet this person? I hope she does, though! Anyway, if it means that much to her, I’ll type them for her, but I would go sparingly on them. It’s up to her to write what she wants to write in the end. Another option would be for her to write them, send them to me to hold, then type them up when and if she meets this soul mate.

A part of me still wonders if I’m making a mistake by associating with her. I don’t see why or how she’d hurt me like the freeloaders have, and she seems to be very accepting of me and my ways, but what does the future hold as far as that goes? What problems could possibly lie ahead for me concerning her?

The ribs I made last night came out great. Nice and tender and similar to the roast I sometimes make. They were a lot easier to make too, and took only a couple of hours. I used the round glass pot with the cover. This way I didn’t have to clean the big black pot or do any carving. I don’t know the calories for these things, but perhaps I’ll make them on my diet. They can’t be that bad. That’s all I’d have, though, for my daily meal. The popcorn, my daily snack, isn’t going to do squat as far as filling me up goes, but for my meals, I intend to make sure I get pleasantly full. No more having 4-6 skimpy little portions to eat that leave me feeling like I ate nothing at all.

Later…

The frogs look like they might be getting bigger. Their little webbed footsies are so cute!

The pension money we’re getting will be $3,600.75 exactly. I’ll have to ask Tom when he gets up, cuz I’m confused about why the fences and the kiln have to wait till next year. If we’re getting what we’re getting from the pension money, $1,100 bimonthly, and a $500 bonus which he’ll probably get in December, why the wait? Does he feel like we could be more likely to make trouble for ourselves if we’re able to lock the freeloaders out sooner? Always the freeloaders take precedence over everything! Is putting the kiln off just another way of making me wait for something?

He had said I’d have to choose (presumably in January) which I wanted first – the dolls I’ve picked out or the kiln. If he thinks he can get a truck for around $500, like he says he’s come to believe, and the fences cost around the same amount, that’s a grand right there. The dolls and kiln won’t cost more than $1,500 and that’s figuring high. Of course there’s also the $200 the two of us will get for Christmas.

I just remembered our plans for the 2-way satellite and to upgrade my computer, but still, I think this and all the other stuff can fit into the pension money alone.

Anyway, I’m confident that ignoring Mary would be best. I think it’d not only be a good thing for me, but I think it might teach her something. Maybe this way she’ll learn that telling others what to do/not to do is not the way to go and that people will be more likely to be as she’d like them to be if she were more tolerant.

She was definitely rude and disrespectful and it’s a shame too, cuz normally she’s a pretty accepting person. I’ve always known her to be a smart, caring and dependable person. You know, the “mature,” responsible type.

Why do I always have so many problems like this with so many people? Does everyone get picked on for being the way they are? Or is it just me? Am I really that different and annoying? I don’t know, I used to think it was me, and perhaps it sometimes is. I’m not perfect. However, I just think it’s people. People in general like to control others and complain. I like to complain too, when something bothers me, but I usually do it in a more reasonable way than most people do. When I was bothered by some of the inmates in jail trying to push God on me, I asked them to please not tell me I need to find God, that I wasn’t interested, though they could do what they wanted and so on. Instead, I might as well have been talking to a bunch of deafos, cuz all I got was you have to, you must, you need to, etc.

I mentioned sewing lessons to Mom, but she didn’t seem so eager about the idea. That’s okay, though, cuz seeing her would mean having to see Mary more. I guess I’ll just try to figure it out for myself. Either that or make sure I make dolls big enough to wear kid’s clothes that I can pick up at department stores.