That was the most activity I’ve ever seen on Ralston at once since I’ve been here! An ATV zipped up the road, then a redheaded woman on a brown horse galloped by. Following her was a brunette on a white horse, then a pickup towing a water tank came by the opposite way.

Yesterday, from dusk to late night, it rained steadily on and off. You can still see moisture in the ground, though there are no standing puddles. I just hope this doesn’t bring in the spiders!

I’m not sure what to make of Little Buddy. He still seems worse than ever, yet he gives me flashes of hope at times. Particularly after I closed my eyes, concentrated really hard, and exhaled gently, breathing “life” into him, so to speak. I remembered the time he got really sick last April and was certainly doomed to die, yet I somehow saved him. Do I have the power to heal, if not extend, the life of our pets? Or is Little Buddy just somehow different? I really thought I was going to lose him last night. I was torn between wanting him to go if he was in pain and not wanting him to leave me.

I decided I wasn’t comfortable with them two bitches in the big cage. Every time I’d open the roof or the downstairs door, I’d be paranoid they’d slip out, so I moved the crabs into the small tank and coaxed the bitches into the small wire cage they were using. This took forever, too! This way I’ll never have to worry about them, they won’t be getting knocked up every few weeks, and I can even change the cage with them inside it. All I have to do is take it outside and tip it. The bedding with fall through the wire. Then I can put new bedding in by hand like I will with their food. The only question will be how to get the babies out when they’re born. Because these rats are completely unmanageable and may bite if I get too close, I may have to remove them with tongs.

Here comes the damn ATV again. Anything’s better than bass, but these can get annoying enough if it’s in excess. It’s weird how they sound so close at times, yet you can’t see them.

Although I have come to like some of the current music, oh how I wish the music of today were like the 70s! I miss the times when half the music wasn’t defiant, angry, nasty blacks singing about “niggas,” ghetto gangsters, drugs, violence, poverty and all the other shit they stand for.

I have all 12 of my photo albums with their 524 pictures uploaded. No views or downloads yet.

I still tremble with anger when I think about how the courts could care less about what I want. Instead, everything’s what she wants and that’s scary. What if she’d cried out for the death penalty? Would they have given it to her? It’s really unnerving to know one can just make such demands if they’re of a certain race/color. Now that bitch no doubt has a sense of ownership over me and that worries me, too.

Just saw the ATV go by. That wasn’t too loud, I guess. A petite woman was on it. I couldn’t tell if it was an adult or a teenager.

I think I’ll go try to finish fine-tuning my ’96 file.

Later…

Those ATVs are getting on my nerves! I can’t tell if there’s more than one or not, but there’s at least one that sounds so close, even though I can never see it, and it sits there gunning its engine like Dan would with his old trucks. It does this every 20 minutes or so.

I wonder what poor unfortunate souls are now having to live with the lovely welfare bum’s shit. That is, at close range. Well, God help anyone who might complain about them! At first I didn’t buy it when the DA insisted that the Mexicans split, knowing that all those people wouldn’t be afraid of me any more than the black bitch and company ever were. They split cuz they no doubt had tons of warrants on them. Besides, they weren’t put there for the Halvorsons. They were put there for me.

Damn! Those ATVs have been going for two hours now. Give it a break, buddy! I know it’s better than balls bouncing right outside our windows and inmate’s screams echoing off the walls, but still.

I asked Tom what he thought would be the appropriate thing to do should Mary get me anything for Christmas; should I return it or keep it, no matter what the gift is? He said I should keep it.

Yeah, I guess it wouldn’t hurt me to do so, though being that I’m not a forgiving person, things can never be the way they used to be. She forever lost that at the casino.

I hear of people forgiving rapists, beaters, and murderers, but I could never ever do that. I could never forgive the freeloaders, for example, even if I wanted to. Everybody has their limits as to what they’ll endure from others and this girl’s simply taken too much shit from people, most of it needlessly, I’m sorry to say. I know better by now than to bother with people like Mary. I just move on. Period. With the exception of Tom, and although I don’t expect people to be perfect, I’m not going to be people’s sucker by forgiving, getting shit on, forgiving, getting shit on…

It bothers me to know that if Tom were at Mary’s right now and she asked how I was doing (pertaining to how I felt about her snapping demands at me), he’d say, “She’s doing alright.”

But that’s not what he should say. He should be honest and be like, “Well, she’s not too happy with you…”

Later…

Darkness has set me free of the ATVs, but it’s no cover for music. That’s one thing you just can’t escape no matter what. It’s never like it was in Phoenix out here, but it is winter, the most active time out here, and it is the holiday season, so you never know what may erupt and when.

Later…

Tom and I watched a little TV together and we pretty much did the things we usually do when we’re home. Sure enough, we heard the thumping of base at one point. He said it sounded live and far away, like maybe from the RVP a few miles away.

I’ll sleep with my fan on high in case the damn ATVs are out and about before I get up.

Tomorrow we’re going to order a mug with my favorite picture of Little Buddy on it. The one where he was licking ice cream off of a butter knife with his little pink tongue.

He’s still weak but hanging in there. Jumping up on the couch has become quite a task for him and he gets winded easily. He doesn’t explore nearly as much. When he’s out of the cage, he pretty much just sits on a vent or his little video perch, a small stack of videos under one of the den tables. Still wags the tail when I pat him, though.

Well, I guess this concludes my journaling for November of ’02. One more month till we begin a year that’ll no doubt start off with much anxiety and frustration, yet hopefully end on an extremely happy note! Yeah, it’s my last year with you in my life, you fucking freeloaders! No one’s going to stop me from moving on and walking away from these people, along with anything or anyone who’s ever been associated with them in any way. I’m washing my hands clean of them 335 days from now no matter what.