UPS should be here today with the camera Tom got with his bonus points. Meanwhile, PG’s jerking us around big time. He called them on Wednesday, and after being told twice that the doll was shipped on the 18th, they now claim they had a problem with that shipment and that I should get the doll at the end of this week or the beginning of next (we last checked on Wednesday). I’m beginning to suspect more and more that we’ve been ripped off and that they never shipped the doll. Nor do they ever intend to. Well, we were taken for thousands by greedy contractors, so what’s 20 bucks, huh? Besides, if we’re not being ripped off by others, I only make dumb buys anyway like with these crabs. They’re not very active. Also, they’re never going to use the shells or the balls I wasted money on.

Another thing I wasted money on was this glitter eyeshadow that’s not very glittery. In fact, it’s virtually invisible. That was when we went to Walgreens on Wednesday. I also got shiny pink nail polish that was supposed to change colors depending on how light hits it. It doesn’t, but it’s still nice.

I also got vanilla lip gloss, a couple of 500-piece floral puzzles, and peach cologne.

We also went to the pet store to pick up more fish, since both the mollies died. I don’t know why the male died, but the female died cuz I filled the water level too high and she jumped out. Poor thing! They didn’t have any glass fish, but we did get two females and one male mollie. We also got a cover so they can’t jump out. We put a red and a pink bulb in it. I wanted contrasting colors, like purple, blue or green to go with the pink, but that’s all they had.

We’ve also been losing guppies like crazy. I don’t know if it’s cuz of how the water is or cuz of the mollies being in with them. We read online that there’d be no problem mixing guppies and mollies, and that’s what the store people told us, too. We haven’t seen them attacking them either. I guess if worse came to worse and the guppies all died, we’d just have all mollies, assuming that they live. I like them better. They’re bigger and nice looking. At least the bettas are doing well, which are my favorites. To make things easier and to keep their water from clouding up, since they don’t have filters, I decided to remove their gravel so I could completely empty their bowls out every week and give them all new water.

They had some good-sized hermit crabs, some cute mice, and some surprisingly cute gerbils, too. I was shocked at how brave and friendly they seemed since gerbils are usually anti-social psychos.

I accumulated some more cool jokes for Mary, Dave and myself.

I heard vent critters last night and this morning, but no one’s been trapped yet. I have the trap in the retreat’s vent.

Later…

It’s as dark now at just after 5 PM as it would be at 8 PM in June.

He still hasn’t gotten his camera yet, and as I told him, I’ll be laughing my ass off if it turns out that I got my dolls and he doesn’t get his camera. That’ll be first! As it is, I’ve never gotten a doll by mail that fast before.

It’s been very cloudy out there, so maybe UPS packed it in for the day. They also got a later start than the day my dolls came. They left at 7 AM when my dolls came, but today they didn’t leave till 8:30.

I managed to get Karen to stand on her own.

Later…

Tom got his camera. It was the driver’s last package of the day. Boy, UPS sure does work later than I thought they did. Maybe that’s cuz this is Maricopa.

Anyway, he spent a lot of time organizing the sheds and I’m enjoying 4 solid days off from the freeloaders. That’s because Monday’s Veteran’s Day.

I am totally not looking forward to this Casa Grande shit. Who the hell does this state think it is playing God with people’s lives, going around making demands of people in the way that they do? That is just so not real life. Real life is about compromise. I only hope I’m not forced to be one of the ones to have to demonstrate this, but we’ll see. If I’m going to hear about the classes, it very well may be the next time I see him since they should’ve gotten my little report card by now.

People are so hell-bent on controlling others. A prime example is the DO who threatened to put us all on a 40’ chain as if we were animals if we didn’t stop talking on the way back to the tents from the laundry department. I mean, did it really matter if we talked or not? Why was it so damn important that we be quiet? Our feet still functioned. We still could’ve walked whether we were talking or not.

I’m surprised I haven’t seen the renters hanging out back regularly, now that it’s cooled down.

On Wednesday, I picked up two envelopes from Mary. One had a letter in it to me, then one to Michelle, Todd’s mother. She wanted me to type it up and email it to her in pink script print, though I don’t know why she didn’t just send it herself. She’s still friends with Todd’s parents, I guess, and she also asked that I email her pictures to her, too. The other envelope had 56 pages of affirmations she wanted typed up that I squeezed down to just 10 pages.

For a second I was like, what is it with her? First she wants me to type her book up for her, now I have to do letters and affirmations, too? Is she using me?

But I believe she’d do the same for me if the tables were turned, and I had nothing better to do anyway, so why not help a friend? I just wish I could do for myself too, like I do for her and for the freeloaders. If my calling in life is to work for others, though, then so be it. There must be a reason why I’m doing for others and not for myself. Like I said before, though, if I can’t make/sell dolls, at least I can collect them!

Anyway, the affirmations, to me, were a joke, though I wouldn’t tell her this unless she asked for my opinion. I respect her beliefs and she hasn’t tried to push them on me. It was basically about telling yourself everything you want to hear. It’s like a brainwashing technique, I guess, and it seems to be working for her. In a way, I wish it could work for me, though I’d be lying to myself if I could convince myself to believe, for example, that I got what I deserved from the freeloaders. I could never brainwash myself into believing something that wasn’t true or that I didn’t believe in. Yeah, I could sit around and tell myself I should’ve handled this differently, or I should’ve handled that differently, but it still wouldn’t change a thing. I was the victim of hate, spite, greed and control in this case and I never asked for or deserved what I got.

I still believe we’re mostly like leaves drifting down a stream. For the most part, we don’t have control over our lives. We go wherever that stream takes us, and sometimes it’s to good places, sometimes it’s not. God’s written our scripts out for us, and like it or not, we have to be the actors in his play. We must play the part he’s assigned us to play.

How could Mary kid herself, though? How can she believe a lot of things she said like God’s not wanting her to suffer? He has her mother beat the shit out of her along with a slew of sick boyfriends, he has her kid killed, he has her thrown in jail, and she thinks he doesn’t want her to suffer? Could’ve fooled me!

It’s tempting to admire her attitude. On the other hand, I know she’s just a young, naïve girl who doesn’t yet know the realities of life. I mean, she’s so sure she’s going to be an author, and maybe she will. But she almost certainly won’t. Even if she’s good, there’s a 99% chance she won’t make it. A lot of people want to believe differently, but life isn’t what we plan it to be. We can usually plan what we wear, what we eat, what we watch on TV, what books we read, and what stores we shop at, but this is different. Had I never ever wanted a child, I’d probably have one. If I had never wanted to be a singer, maybe I would be. Now that I want to be a dollmaker, I highly doubt I will be.

I just hate to see Mary end up all heartbroken once reality settles in. She’s so sure she’s destined for Mr. Right, but what if she’s not? Most people aren’t destined for true love, gay or straight, and they don’t end up as blessed as I have.

At the same time I’m blessed with Tom, I still miss Teddy Bear. I truly did love her. I miss the whole idea of being with a woman like her, but as I knew long before I met Tom, God didn’t want me with a woman. Not all gays are meant to be with the same sex in the end. Besides, not seeing Teddy Bear could be a good thing, though I’d have preferred not to have fallen in love with her if I couldn’t have her.

Once again, a lot of this bible crap is just that – crap. One of the religious books Carolyn was showing me kept bashing the idea of people wanting to have fun. What’s wrong with that, though? What, should we all hang our heads low and be miserable? So many of us are made miserable by life itself so much of the time that I know I’m going to savor all the fun and happiness I can get. I’m gonna go have fun gambling in Laughlin, and I’m gonna go have fun at JBS.

The part that claims that all you have to do is ask and God will give you what you want is like – please! If that were true, we’d all have everything we want.