Now for what may very well be my last entry of the year – aside from the fact that I’m still inhaler-free, there was a service truck of some kind in front, but I doubt anyone will move in too soon after the new year, assuming the first house hasn’t sold yet and the second one’s not even ready to go up for sale. I don’t care so much anymore because I know we’re out of here within a year from now. Right now my moving vibes have settled on the month of June and we’ll remain in Arizona, but again, I don’t trust these vibes. They keep fluctuating too much.

Every few months I try to clean the house really thoroughly. This time around it’s going much faster what with so much of the knickknacks packed away.

Now here’s something that’s as hopeful as it is frustrating. Of the 5 numbers I picked for the Fantasy 5 drawing, one was right on and 3 others were just one digit off! I was just a digit away from $500 which is what you get if you get 4 of the 5 numbers!

Tom and I were talking about the fact that I might’ve been taking the wrong approach to winning on non-scratch tickets. See, on scratch tickets, the numbers already exist, but they don’t exist on the others till they’re drawn. This means that I have to try to influence the numbers that get drawn to be the ones on the ticket. So I’ll be concentrating really hard on tonight’s Powerball and The Pick, which will be drawn at 7 and 9 PM. I have to go into a sort of trance.

I should make a list of abilities I’d like to try to accomplish from high priority to low, like winning money, killing every other hair follicle on my head, fixing it so I never have to shave again, making myself need just 8 hours of sleep instead of 9 or 10. I wouldn’t try to make money magically appear in our account, though, because all transactions have to come from somewhere and it may look suspicious. As it is, I’m wondering when the Slingo people are going to realize they’ve paid out more money than what their set of printed winning tickets is supposed to pay out altogether.

Just like today. Tom went to Circle K for our New Year’s treats (my last treats before jumping back on the diet). He realized he had forgotten some stuff when he was halfway back, so he pulled over knowing that the Slingo ticket he bought would probably be a winner, found that it was a $3 winner indeed, then used it to pay for what he returned to get!

Right now it appears they’re putting the septic in for the second house. If we get fucked over on the next move the way we did with the move to this place with contractors and other workers fucking up and cutting corners, I swear I’ll make sure whoever’s responsible compensates us!

Later…

That wasn’t a septic tank after all. I took the binoculars and saw the word Rinker written on the tank when I realized it was too small to be a septic tank. Plus, the thing was turning like it was a cement truck. So I looked them up online and found a picture of the exact same truck and it is a cement company. I guess they’re pouring either carports or patios.

Starting next year I may start doing two years’ worth of journals per file. Especially since I seem to be able to store two years per floppy if I compress them.

How wonderful it’ll feel throwing out my homemade 2003 calendars, the last of the many years with the freeloaders in it!!!

I think the next coming year will bring us lots of changes, but that’s okay, for none of them can be nearly as bad as some of the changes I’ve been forced to endure in the 38 years I’ve been alive!

Got 4 OB sample tampons in the mail today. They glide in and out easier, but I prefer applicators, and these don’t have them.

I also got drafts from Mary and a letter. She didn’t say much. Just that she continues to be dominated by other inmates, whatever that means, but is otherwise okay. At one point in the draft, when she and Justin were in Fort Myers and quite wanted, a newscaster doing a caption on “young lovers” interviewed them and asked what their secret sexual fantasy was. Mary said hers was to make love on the beach. I’d have loved to have seen the reaction on the newswoman’s face had I come out and told her I’d love to get it on with the Kate Jackson of the 70s! Along with the Linda Ronstadt of around 1980 and the Gloria Estefan of 1990.

Tom got me a lobster from Walmart which now steams live lobsters. While $12 is certainly better than the $30 Red Lobster would charge, it was still a bit much for a few measly bites. It was close to the same size Red Lobster would serve, but with no stuffing or anything like that to go with it, there wasn’t much to it.

This morning I awoke from a very vivid dream of winning $47,000 on what I think was a scratch ticket of some kind. Why such an odd number, I don’t know, but I had Tom get a Fantasy 5 ticket anyway. I mean, I can’t imagine the dream meant anything, though it sure made me wonder. I’ve been having vibes, as I get better and better at psyching tickets, that we are going to someday, some way, win a large sum of money.

He pointed something really neat out about the Slingo tickets. The odds are supposed to be 1 in 4 with those tickets, yet of the 11 tickets he got, 6 of them won! So, as long as I can rig more than half of them to pay out something, we’re going to keep getting tickets whenever we can afford to.

The incense people say they expect to ship my order on Friday and will email me to verify it. I should get it next Monday or Tuesday.

The best news of all is that finally, after wanting her for so long, Haiku’s been ordered! I spoke with Ricki and told her how I wanted her made up. When I asked if she had a standing-legs option, she said she didn’t know, but asked if I wanted her to go ahead and pour them if she could find other standing legs of proper proportion. I told her she could, but not to worry if she had to have bent legs. For no extra charge, she’s even going to make nostrils and earring holes. She’ll email me with the UPS tracking number when she’s on her way and says that although she usually gives herself a 6- to 8-week leeway, she should probably finish sooner since things are slowing down, as I figured. In fact, she said she’d begin working on her today! I think I’ll have her the first week of February or sooner.

The “package” turned out to be nothing but an oversized Dove shampoo/conditioner sample.

The foul odor still makes itself present from time to time and Tom still can’t smell it. I’m almost certain it’s the evil entity that inhabits this land, and with me being the psychic one, I’m the only one sensitive to it.

It was incredibly cold last night at just 12°! It’s up to 50° now.

Tom and I were discussing various ideas for our website to get people to return often enough and to want to make donations. One outrageous idea he came up with was to write journal excerpts the rats, dolls or outside animals are supposedly keeping. When I told him that sounded silly, he said that we have to come up with something unique if we want to attract people. Pictures alone won’t cut it as there are too many other sites with pictures. We even discussed putting Nocturnal Obsession out bit by bit and making a few changes within the story as a way of getting my writing noticed, but I still say that no one’s going to be interested in lesbian suspense stories. They mostly want romance or comedy with very straight characters. But I am what I am and I’m not going to change that to conform to society’s desires.

Eventually, we’ll add the psychic touch where I give readings to those who submit their birthdays and just general information. Only unlike most quacks out there, I’ll be the real thing!

Just like I wondered if Tom got fired because my letter to Teddy Bear may’ve gotten her fired, I’ll be wondering something else if we lose the house. I’ll be wondering if perhaps maybe our city letter did cause the black bitch to lose her house and that’s why we lost ours. Even if they brought on their own problems and it was their fault that they might’ve gotten fired/evicted, it still wouldn’t be acceptable in God’s eyes. To God, it’d be just like I got them in trouble for no good reason whatsoever. It’s never okay for me to affect other people’s lives that way, so God would “retaliate,” so to speak and make sure that what went around came around if these things did happen. I’ll never know for sure, but I still doubt Teddy Bear got fired. I also doubt the black bitch lost the house like she claimed. First of all, they went out too peacefully for that to have been the case. Secondly, I think the state simply got fed up with supporting her and said enough is enough. We’ve taken care of you for 3 years, and now you’re on your own. When you have kids, they’re supposed to be your responsibility and not the state’s or that of others. This is why it really bothers me to see people having kids when they know damn well they can’t even afford them. Kids are ferociously expensive and if you don’t take home at least $30,000 a year, you’re going to struggle like hell.

Later…

It’s 60° warmer than it was when Tom got up.

Since the palm wasn’t going to make a comeback of any real kind, I dumped it but kept the dirt and pot.

My abilities continue to astound even me. Tom got his final tickets – 2 crosswords and 2 Slingos. One of the crosswords won $5. Then, as he started doing one of the Slingos, I told him I felt strongly that the other Slingo would win and it did! It won $10, so altogether he made a $45 profit on account of my spells. Not many people can turn $33 of tickets into $45!

Not many people can have bad asthma all their lives and just up and walk away from inhalers after being on them for about 30 years either. I concentrated so hard last night on my lungs that sweat was pouring from me, but today I’ve had less tightness and virtually no congestion! Tom thinks I had the power to do this all along but just didn’t know it. I guess most people wouldn’t think to try to cure themselves with their minds. I doubt most people could do it, but there are probably enough people out there who don’t realize they can.

Tom’s ear, just when we thought he was going to have a nasty relapse, is much better now. It was blocked for the longest time, then it was draining like crazy and now it’s staying open.

I was pissed to find that one of the books I ordered is one I’ve already got, so I listed it with Amazon. This one will bring me $6.02 if it sells.

It got down into the 20s last night. At 11:30 it was already down to 38°. When Tom got up it was 28° and the sun had already risen.

I haven’t seen any other prairie dogs since I spotted the one at the side of the house.

I gave Tom my extra $33 that was leftover between my birthday and Christmas money for him to do what he wanted and he decided to get 11 Slingo tickets which are $3 each, though not all at once. He’s already won $34 and still has 3 more tickets to get.

Now here’s my most shocking news, yet it’s good news. I haven’t had to use my inhaler since last night when I wrote about how I was sick of them making me congested and that I’d prefer tightness over that! I woke up tight an hour before I got up (it was like old times with the shooting, so I heard), but have been fine ever since. I had a tiny bit of congestion after I got up and that’s been it so far aside from occasional waves of tightness. I don’t want to get my hopes up, but if I can heal or at least control my asthma inhaler-free, that’d be so wonderful! I’ve spent so much time healing others or making others sick that I haven’t really concentrated on myself. It seems I could’ve very well been sitting on a treasure chest of powers all these years and never known it. I just never thought of it or the possibility that I could heal or curse people. It would mean so much to me if I could have some control over my health. After being stripped of my birthright to bear children by God (even if he made the right and the best decision to do so), to finally have some say concerning my own body means a lot to me. A real lot.

It makes me wonder other things like, could I heal myself if I had cancer, not that I’d ever want to have to find out? Could I prevent pregnancy if Tom and I were more than friends and he’d get off more than once in a blue moon? Then again, I suppose that one wouldn’t count. Meaning, if something isn’t in your cards anyway, it doesn’t matter what you can or can’t do, or what you want or try to do. I still believe Tom could get off in me a dozen times a day and nothing would happen, though I also wouldn’t be that foolish to let him do so what with not wanting a kid and us being broke every other half hour.

I’m going to take Tom’s advice and not spread myself too thin. Meaning, I’m not going to try to make any physical changes for the better between him and me unless they’re necessary. This means that I’m not going to try to influence my weight when I return to my diet on the 1st. It’s not necessary to lose weight, but it is necessary to breathe, so I’ll focus on things like that. I get waves of tightness here and there, but am fighting them by doing the ballooning technique and trying to make myself yawn which always opens things up. Yawning is caused more by a need for extra oxygen than tiredness, though most people don’t realize this. I’m basically doing the things I did in jail during the times when the welfare bums said I couldn’t have an inhaler.

I can’t help but wonder – where did all these powers come from and why was I chosen to have them? Tom and I had to laugh when I told him that if he could run into the old folks and tell them all of all the abilities I’ve developed since I saw them last, they’d think he’d gone completely insane.

I don’t think, for instance, that I’d put a “miscarriage spell” on a pregnant teenage crackhead if I could because I don’t think God put me here to correct or undo other people’s mistakes. It wouldn’t be my mistake to make. It’d be the kid’s mistake to make.

As I said, the 1st is when I start back up with the diet. Now that I know how to keep regular, my only two challenges will be keeping my mouth shut to the extra calories, and not succumbing to the boredom that an hour of trudging away on the treadmill brings. I’m going to settle for losing just 10 pounds. At 38 years of age, I can’t expect to ever have my 25-year-old body back again anyway.

I read that they’ll remove my book listing if it doesn’t sell in 60 days, and I’m sure it won’t. No one ever wants to buy anything from me except pipes! Tom doesn’t think it’ll sell because it’s a common book. He wants to list some rare books he has and see if those will sell.

If there were two curses I’d lift from us if I could, it’d be the money and breakage curse for sure. I wouldn’t even bother with our lack of desire for sex. That’s just not as important to me. I’d rather not struggle and not be horny for Tom than be struggling and wanting to get it on with someone who doesn’t want to get it on with me. I hated that; how I always wanted sex in the beginning and he never did.

Later…

It’s not even 7:30 yet it’s already 37°! It just may be in the teens come 6 AM.

As always, I have my incense going. My favorites seem to fluctuate. My top two favorites were fruit and honey, but now I’d say it’s chocolate and angel.

Haven’t heard that loud truck the renters had since the trailer disappeared so maybe someone really was living in it.

This is the longest we’ve gone without seeing spiders in here. How much of it is me remains to be seen. Once the weather warms back up, we’ll find out. I miss summer already, but I don’t miss the huge electric bills or working out when it’s really hot. The fans help, but I hate to crank up the AC and cost us a fortune when I’m working out, so I just sweat my ass off. We try to keep it in the low 80s during the hot months.

I love my Little Fella, but never have I had a problem with a rat pissing like this before. He doesn’t just piss when he’s out of the cage, but every time I go to pick him up, he’s wet. Tom suggested that maybe he has a form of incontinence, but where is all this piss coming from? I mean, I just don’t see how this rat can have that much piss in him to begin with no matter how huge he is!

I guess that because there are only a few days left in the year and I haven’t heard from the picture contest people that Little Buddy didn’t win anything. That is unless it’s now that they’re making their final decisions and aren’t planning to notify the winners till after the new year. If it was a choice between winning nothing or a medal, I’d rather just not win anything. I can’t do anything with a medal like I could with money, and I don’t need an object to tell me what a good picture it is as I already know that.

Later…

We had quite a time shopping for books online earlier. I wanted to go through Ade Books which was linked with Memolink, but all their used books come from stores all over the country, making shipping a bit costly. Shipping on books is bad as it is as they aren’t exactly feather-light.

So I ended up getting 20 used books at Pyramid Books. Most of the books cost just pennies, but the shipping was $22. It’s pretty comparable to walking into a store and buying books for 1-4 bucks and cutting out the shipping costs. Anyway, they’ll be here between 5-21 days.

Then I browsed Amazon’s books and found you could list books to sell for free, so I listed a book I finished a few weeks ago for a recommended price of $3.84, based on its condition. It’ll be something like $2.26 to ship it by the standard shipping method, so they say (we’ll wrap it in brown paper), then once they take their commission, I should have almost $5 to cover the shipping cost and my share of the sale money.

When Tom went to the PO today, he found we had a package waiting for us, but with it being a Saturday, of course, we couldn’t get it. I’m thinking it’s the Cosmetique makeup intro offer I signed up for under a bogus name.

I decided this is it – enough with the inhaler congestion. It’s time I try to learn to live without the inhalers. Seriously, with the way I get congested at times, I’d rather be tight than congested.

The leak curse was at it again today when I noticed wetness under the dishwasher. I wondered if it was the source of the foul odor I still smell at times, but it doesn’t seem to be. Whatever it is, though, is leaking slowly enough to not have to be concerned with and hopefully it’ll stay that way.

Speaking of books again, he finished Nocturnal Obsession earlier and says it’s my best one yet. I was surprised too, as I didn’t think he’d like this one that much. Maybe he likes it best because there’s hardly any sex in it and he doesn’t like sex himself.

Next, he can read the story that goes nowhere. I probably won’t mail a copy of that one to Mary till I’ve sampled the rest of the incense and can afford to send Paula her package. That way Tom can shoot two birds with one stone. Even though it’d be nice if Paula would send the lousy $10 I know she’ll never send me, I also know she’ll be delighted to receive the stuff and appreciate it greatly. As Tom pointed out, we do go back to 18 and 19 years of age, so in another year I’ll have known her for 20 years. It’s nice, I must admit, to send these things to her every so often. Especially when I know she could never afford most of the things I’ve sent her.

When Walter was here, we got to talking about selling things and it turns out that his wife also tried to sell dolls on eBay and had no luck, so I guess it wasn’t a mistake to send them to Paula even if they sit in the closet most of the time. Besides, if they didn’t sit in her closet, they’d just sit in ours.

It’s super cold out! It’s not even 9:00 yet it’s already down to 41°.

I haven’t gotten any email from the incense place yet, but they may not return to work till Monday.

When Tom drove by it, he verified that the second house was definitely at ground level. The reason it may not appear so from here is because of the way the land slopes upward. When you look out front and towards the right, it slopes upward. When you look towards the left, it slopes downward.

The first house is for sale for $90,000. So, if a 3-bedroom, 2-bath house with a shared well can go for that, we ought to be able to get $140,000 for our 5-bedroom, 2-bath house with its private well.

Mary says she’s got a bunch of drafts to send me. I hope they have some punctuation!

A storm blew through here late last night, and of course it had to wake me up. I’m surprised I even went as long as I did before this latest wake-up call.

Later…

Jeff, Bob’s assistant, emailed me saying he made the changes and thanks for the order. I figured they’d be there, too. They seem to be workaholics. They’re there on weekends and even at night, so it seems.

Tom did some research and learned a bit about making the stuff. All it mostly is is a blank stick they take and dip in water that has unscented oil and a few drops of the fragrance mixed in. They let them soak a while, then they let them dry out. This is why it takes at least 5 days to process the orders. It’s the oil that makes it burn, releasing the scent.

The more I think about it, the more I think it’d be cool to have an online incense store of my own. It sure sounds like it’d be a lot cheaper than kilns and a lot easier to make than dollmaking. There’s so much mess, work and time that goes into doll making. That’s why the dolls are so damn expensive. As always, though, I worry that God will make sure I don’t succeed. I swear he’s got a no-doing-the-things-I-really-want-to-do rule on me. At least for the most part, he does. For most of my life, I’ve wondered why. Why is it so important to him that I don’t get what I want in life? Did I have it all in some former life that now he’s compensating me, or what?

Later…

I just checked and it’s 69° where Mary is, 37° where Paula is which is actually quite toasty for this time of year, 55° here, and just 28° in Post Falls, Idaho where my incense is being made. I guess it really is colder there than MA like Tom says!

Piggy didn’t make it. We figured as much by the way he sounded and looked. Meanwhile, I don’t want to get anyone new till Little Fella goes. With that old rat, it could be anytime. He’s about 15 months old. As much of a problem as he is with the pissing, I hope he doesn’t go anytime soon. I really do love that big fat rat!

Anyway, Tom’s going to deposit the pipe sale money and check out the signs where the new houses are. He’s also going to stop at Circle K.

At some point today I’ll make my incense order and maybe even email my Haiku order so they’ll be there when everyone gets back to work.

For new scents I’m getting: 1000 Flowers, Abysinnia, African Jasmine, African Musk, African Plum, African Queen, African Violet, Anais, Apple, Apricot, Arabian Night, Avocado, Bergamot, Bijan, Bill’s Musk, Black Cherry, Black Diamond, Black Flora, Black Grape, Black Henry, Black Love, Black Magic, Black Musk, Black Narcissus, Black Pearl, Blackberry, Blossom, Blue Nile, Blue Sonata, Carnation, Cashmere, Cedarwood, Cherry, China Musk, China Rain, Choctaws Mouno, Cinnamon, Citronella, Clove, Cranberry, Cucumber, Cut Grass, Desert Rain, Dragon Blood, Dragonfly, Drakkar, Egyptian Musk, Evening Forest, Evergreen, Fast Cash, Fig, Fir Balsam, Firdaus, Floor, Floral, Florist, Florist Dream, Frangipani, Frankincense, Freesia, Gardenia, Ginger, Guava, Halston, Harlem Musk, Hawaiian Garden, Hawaiian Orchid, Hawaiian Plumeria, Hemp, Herbal, Hibiscus, Honey Almond, Honey Musk, Honeysuckle, Hyacinth, Hyssop, In Too Deep, Indian Flower, Jamaican Musk, Jamaican Night, Jamaican Plum, Jasmine, Joe Blow, John Henry, Jojoba, Joop, Jungle Fever, Kush, Langerfeld, Latin love, Lauren, Lavender, Leather, Licorice, Lily of the Valley, Lotus, Love, Love Supreme, Magnolia, Majmua, Mandarin, Mawa, Mecca, Melon, Mermaid, Michael Jordan, Mojo, Money, Morning Mist, Mother Love, Muddy Waters, Mulberry, Myrrh, Nag Champa, Narcissus, Nautica, Nephritis, New Car, Nubian Musk, Nubian Rain, Oasis, Ocean, Orange Blossom, Opium, Passion, Passion Flower, Patchouli, Pear, Pina Colada, Pine, Pineapple, Pinon, Plumeria, Polo, Potpourri, Puddy Cat, Rain Barrel, Raspberry Musk, Relaxation, Rock & Roll, Romance, Rose, Rose Geranium, Rosemary, Sassafras, Sitting Bull, Spice, Spikenard, Sudan Musk, Sugar Plum, Summer Rain, Sun Moon Stars, Swamp Root, Sweet Black Pussy, Tea Rose, Tea Tree, Sweet Love, Sweet Musk, Sweet Rain, Tanganilla, Tiger Tail, Tommy Girl, Tommy Hilfiger, Touch of Love, Tropical Musk, Tunisian Honey, Tutti Fruity, Vanilla Musk, Whisper, White Ginger, White Love, Wildberry, Wisteria, Woodstock & Ylang Ylang.

I’m also getting some of my favorites like Angel, Baby Powder, Bump & Grind, Butter Rum, Brown Sugar, Cedar, Chocolate, Escape, Fruit, Grape, Joy, Watermelon, Honey, Hot Love & Raspberry.

Later…

I made my incense order, which took forever. I’ll never be making such huge orders again, though. The only reason it’s so big now is that I’m still sampling things. Once I narrow down my favorites, I’ll order in smaller quantities. I screwed up and ordered a 20-pack of Mermaid when I meant to order a 5-pack, so I emailed them, asking them to adjust it for me. Also, I had to make a few substitutes because Oxygen, Rain, Spike and Sweet Grass weren’t on the list.

What a Christmas present we just got!!! Walter, the well guy, just stopped by and paid us $203 in cash for our old PVC pipes that were stored under the house just sitting there doing nothing. After all the money we put into this damn well, it’s so nice to get some back! I’m getting more incense for damn sure. I’m going to sample the rest of the ones I want to try out, then maybe get a kit to try making my own from another site that sells it. I still intend to save up for that mannequin in my lifetime, but not till we know what’s going on and where we’ll be.

Anyway, as Tom pointed out and as funny as it may sound, we try to sell dolls and we can’t, yet without even trying we can get a couple hundred for pipes of all things in this world. Pipes that are 4 years old and that were used for 2 of the 4 years.

I called Paula and told her I’d still like $10 to ship her package to her. After all the time and money I’ve put into her, that’s only reasonable. I know I’ll never see a dime, though. She’s loyal but stingy. Anyway, her package is going to consist of a few odds and ends I have no interest in. I added in the extras mainly to fill the box up so things don’t get jostled around like crazy. She’ll get 5 CDs, a few little rugs that came with the Indian dolls, the hangable fairy that wasn’t worth the $12 I paid for it, a camera case, an oriental fan, foam soda can holders, plastic flowers, nail polish and facial cleansers, a coupon off a tooth whitening kit, a few little stuffed bears and a wolf, a bit of perfume and the incense I don’t like. Actually, I may omit the animals and use the newspaper they use to wrap the incense in as a filler.

Anyway, between the two incense orders and Haiku, I’d say I’m doing pretty well. Next, I’m going to hope to sell as much of the junk I don’t want at the swap meet and add the long-wanted Alexa to the list since I highly doubt I’ll make enough for a mannequin.

The satellite images are so cool. We were able to locate the two houses I lived in in Longmeadow, plus the two apartment buildings I lived in in Springfield. I’m going to enclose a copy of the Springfield shot in Paula’s package so she can see my old building, plus hers a few buildings away. We also found this house, plus our old house in Phoenix. We’re pretty sure these pictures are 5-10 years old and that we were probably living in the Phoenix house with the naughty blacks when the picture was taken. You could even make out the pool and the big tree the welfare bums had in their backyard that used to make a mess of our yard with its leaves. What was way cool was how you could “fly” down the map. This software is used in flight simulators when they’re training pilots. Anyway, we flew an hour southward and watched the land roll by till we came to our current house which is pretty much in direct line with the old one.

I finally heard from Mary again. In fact, it was mailed by José and our first thought was that he was writing to ask if I’d heard from her. They were doing their Christmas cards together so that’s why he mailed it. She did her part, mailed it to him, then he mailed it to me. They each wrote a little poem and it was really nice.

Mary asked me to email a note to Dr. Phil. I guess Oprah made him famous. She told him of her case and asked for guidance on how to cope, saying she wasn’t allowed to attend Gretchen’s funeral, etc. Then, after I sent the message, Mary’s aunt left a message saying that Mary’s changed her mind and not to send it if I hadn’t already, but I had. I don’t know why she changed her mind, but I told her not to worry. I mean, I don’t see the harm it could do her. Who knows if I’ll even get a reply back about it? The guy must get millions of messages.

I totally disagree with Mary when she insists she’s not guilty of child neglect. The man beats her and her kids over and over, yet she continues to stay with him till he kills one of them, and she’s not guilty of neglect? My ass she isn’t! No, she isn’t responsible for Justin’s sick actions, but she could’ve prevented things from escalating. She was just too high on getting her ass beat to do so. As Tom and I agree, though, jail is not necessarily the appropriate place for her. She’s not a danger to society and keeping her in jail won’t bring Gretchen back, but this isn’t the 70s either.

I quit my diet, though just until after the new year. It’s just that now’s a lousy time to try to diet with people giving you goodies and all that. There’s no hurry on getting my question answered anyway, as to whether or not I can get under 127, but regular or not, I think I know the answer to that.

It looks like my palm tree is going to die, and Piggy might, too. He’s been making these really weird wheezing noises as if he’s having a hard time breathing. He may have a tumor in his throat or something. He’s also not growing even though he eats like a pig.

I’m not going to bother to print out the whole year as I still don’t think it’s necessary. Not with all the backups I have, so this will be the last printed year.

Now it seems our ghost can make things disappear. I’m sick of the pranksterish spirit inhabiting this land! See, my second incense order consists of 100 mini-sticks in brown sugar, fruit and chocolate scents, 20-packs of angel, raspberry, honey and butter rum, and 5-packs of grape and watermelon. Well, when I got up to light a watermelon stick, the package was missing. I searched everywhere for it to no avail. I know I received it, though, because I went through a checklist when I first opened the box. I can’t imagine accidentally throwing it out either, so since Tom has no interest in it, where did it go?

Tom found some really cool software yesterday that takes satellite images. We saw our land too, but the picture was about 5 years old. They’re probably not allowed to release pictures on the web too soon after they’re taken so people don’t feel spied on, not that I’d personally give a shit. It was still really cool. You could see next door’s place and Dan’s old place, but no rentals, and of course, our house wasn’t here when the picture was taken, but it was so cool to be able to make out certain trees on our land!

Tom’s doing the grocery shopping now, the poor guy. Walmart is no doubt a madhouse being just two days before Christmas.

I got letters going out to Mom, Mary, Paula and Bob, but the ones out of state shouldn’t get there till next week, the tail end of the year.

It’s a pretty cloudy day out there today and cool, too.

Tom insists that they did lower that house, but it doesn’t look lower from here. There’s a sign up over there too, which I imagine is to sell or rent the places. Maybe they won’t be occupied just after the new year if no one’s bought or rented them yet.

Later…

Well, there’s doll delay number one. Ricki, the woman I spoke to yesterday, is out of town. I spoke to some other dimwit who knows absolutely nothing about dolls and I can’t fathom why she’s even there. She took my number to give to Ricki if she calls her. Worst case scenario I’ll have to wait till Tuesday to place the order when she returns. They can’t really do anything till then anyway, but if there’s any good in it, the new year is the slowest time for most businesses, so she may be done faster.

What a surprising and wonderful day it’s turned out to be so far! I didn’t see Tom last night as I was already asleep when he got in, but the surprise was waiting for me when I got up.

Not only did they remember my birthday after all and give us Christmas money, but they gave Tom $60 for his work and for gas. Although we know we should put all the money into bills, we decided we deserve to splurge since we haven’t gotten much fun stuff lately. So, I called Pala Creations in North Carolina and for a base total of $105, including shipping and the beaded armature that’s normally $15 extra, they’re going to make up Haiku! Then my $33 remaining dollars will be for Tom to do as he wishes, along with his $100 which I’m sure he’ll put towards bills. This is why I was glad there was $33 left over. If I’d had the $158 I’ve supposedly saved, I’d be getting a mannequin now, but I’ll get it someday. We didn’t order Haiku today, though, as Tom needs to get the money in the bank first. We’ll probably order her tomorrow. She’s not going to charge me for the wig change either since I’m not requesting human hair, or for the inset lashes. When I do call them back, I’m going to request standing legs if that’s an option, make sure the eyes are realistic and the lashes are inset, and that I get the UPS tracking number when she’s shipped so I can track her journey out to me. I should receive her between February 3rd – 17th so long as the truck doesn’t go breaking down or there isn’t some other delay.

As for our gifts, Tom got the usual shirts, plus a 1600-piece tool kit from Mom, Mary and Dave.

From Steven and Carol, we got a pretty canister with chocolate and eggnog biscuits, but Tom doesn’t like them because there are almonds and walnuts in them. He hates nuts.

From mom, Mary and Dave, I got two puzzles, an inflatable punching pillar, and an exercise ball with 3-pound dumbbells. I have no interest in the punching pillar, but the big rubber exercise ball is cool. I’m going to sell my Denise Austin equipment and my Thi-Master, along with the punching pillar.

I got my wonderful incense today too, and thanked them for it. He asked for another testimonial that I gave. I wonder if he remembers that I already gave one, not that I mind doing it again.

They’re working in front and I think the second house will be put in place today. I also think that shortly after the new year is when they’ll be moving in, along with the dogs they’ll no doubt permanently affix in front to badger me with.

If it turns out we’re staying, then we’ll have to decide whether or not it’ll be worth putting fences up if we’re just going to turn around and move 6 months later.

The rats are doing well, but I wish every other one we got wouldn’t sneeze like crazy. It’s common with rats, though.

No Mary mail, though I did get a letter from Bob, along with some jokes he enclosed. The jokes are just so-so, but they were nice to get anyway. I’m not surprised I didn’t get mail from Mary. I know how depressing the holidays are for her being away from family and all that. I’m sure she’ll pick up on her letters to me as well as book drafts after the new year. Of course, there’s always the chance she’s sent stuff I never got. I hope not!

Later…

What a pisser. They did both what I feared and vibed they’d do and didn’t lower the second house which is in excellent view of ours. I can see it better than the renters as the renters are at an angle.

Bob, the owner of the incense store, sent another message explaining that he had wanted me to leave the second message to show others that I came back to make a second order and wished me happy holidays.

I was both shocked and delighted to see a prairie dog out and about! This is the first time I’ve seen them come out of hibernation before the new year.

Miss Perfect called last night, but of course it was only because she wanted something. She wants Tom to do some computer work for her, and as we both agreed, if he’s going to get paid for his work – sure. I warned him, though, not to be too nice as that’s how you end up being taken advantage of. He’ll be going there today at around noon.

We’ve been going through a lot of boxes and stuff around here in preparation for the after-new-year swap meet and or a moving sale. We even played an old horseracing board game.

Later…

I talked to Paula at 2’ of snow and 6°! At least one of us gets restitution for our screw-overs. She’s getting a little over 4 G’s for the bus accident she was in. I’m really happy for her, but why oh why is it that most everyone else gets paid for being fucked over while we have to pay to get fucked over?

She didn’t have much else to tell me other than the usual man problems she loves so much to have, and DSS being on her ass. She goes, “They try to tell me I’m not a good mother when I know I am,” and I thought to myself how I wish I could believe I was good at the things I know I’m not.

She says she didn’t receive the Christmas card or the letter with the small envelope made out to the incense place for a sample. I hope it’s just the holiday rush that’s delayed it and that she will get it. I wonder if Mary’s gotten all my mail. I told her to check and let me know. Meanwhile, I’m not sending anything else till after Christmas and maybe not even till next year. It’s just a lousy time for sending stuff.

I was worried when my incense didn’t show up yesterday, so I emailed them to ask when it was shipped. Well, it turns out that it wasn’t even shipped till the 18th, and not the 15th or 16th as I thought was the case. This means that as long as all the Christmas packages don’t hold it up, I should have it on Monday.

As I figured would be the case, I still can’t get my money from Netflip any more than I can get the two gift certificate cards I was supposed to get. It makes me wonder if Memolink will do the same thing and cheat me out of my certificate once I gain enough points.

We still don’t know for sure when we’re moving or where to, but Tom assures me we won’t end up where there are people because it’s too expensive to go where there are people which is usually where there are paved roads, sewers, mail and trash services, etc.

Another pound bites the dust. I’m at 128 now. The hunger gets pretty bad at times, but I’m surviving. I seem to have gone down a bit in the waist, lower back and thighs, but at just a 2-pound loss this is mostly due to the toning and reshaping of my muscles rather than weight-loss. I’m going farther in less time too, picking up my pace as my legs get stronger and I gain more stamina. Ideally, I’d like to lose 30 pounds but will settle for 20. Hell, I’d even settle for 10, since weighing 120 would be better than 130, even if I’d still be rather chubby.

As with most things in life, I have mixed emotions about us cutting off all ties with Marge which we are prepared to do if they continue to be as selfish and as uncaring as they have been. On the one hand, we could really use the money we normally get for Christmas, but on the other, I don’t want to know her or Mary anymore. I’m just sick as shit of them. While they may never be as bad as my family’s been, they’ve been bad enough and I certainly wouldn’t miss them if I never saw them again. We just don’t want to know people who don’t give a damn about us. Also, if they have any connection whatsoever to Art and Doe as I believe they do, that’s another reason I don’t want to know them. When one of them croaks, the other’s going to go running to Marge about it who’ll run to me, and I won’t want to know about it then any more than I’d want to know about it now or since ’98 when I cut them out of my life for good. Sooner or later, be it Doe, Art, Tammy or Lisa, one of them is going to try to use and go through Marge to get at me, be it to cause me more trouble or try to reunite with me, and after 32 years of dealing with their never-ending cycle of abuse like I did, I don’t need history repeating itself. I know all I’d have to do is ignore them, even if Marge does give them our address and number against our wishes, but still, it’s the reminder of their existence I could do without. I’m reminded enough as it is in my memories and nightmares, so I don’t need the extra help. Nonetheless, whether or not we cut them off is up to them. It’ll depend on how things go when Tom sees them next.

I’m down a pound and a half, but I’ll just call it 129. After all this hard work and hunger, I better get under 127! I’m going to be so pissed if I don’t.

I’m also going to be pissed if my incense doesn’t arrive today. Given the time it’s been since I placed the order and when they took the money, there’s no reason it shouldn’t come today unless someone fucked up, leaving yours truly here to once again be the one put out by it.

Anyway, the hunger has been pretty bad even with the suppressants due to the increased amount of exercise.

Rich or poor, I’ve decided to cut down on my mail to Mary as long as she’s cut down on hers to me. I still wonder if there’s something more going on than the death of her cousin. I haven’t exactly had lots of good, cheery news for her lately, so I don’t know; maybe she’s sick of hearing the same old uncertainty. I hope not, because while we all want to hear good things, if you can’t be a friend throughout the bad as well as the good, then you’re not really a true friend. I’m beginning to wonder just how true of a friend she is, too. After all, she too, blew off my birthday. A simple “Happy Birthday” would’ve been nice. I give what I get, though, so I’ll have no problem with ignoring hers next October 15th, assuming we’re still friends at that time.

I’m quite shocked and delighted to report that the computer problem actually turned out to be a quick, simple fix that didn’t take hours or cost anything. A computer has two little fans in it. One to keep the supply box from overheating, and then there’s the CPU fan (central processing unit) which is what got old and worn out. Tom simply replaced it with another one.

Just when I thought he might be right about the foul smell coming from the garbage disposal, and thinking the baking soda killed it, I got a whiff of it earlier, and I have a feeling it’s not going to be going away anytime soon. Especially if it’s connected to any evil entities like I think it may be, and me being the psychic one here, am more sensitive to it than Tom. Lucky him!

I did my 1-hour walk which came to 2 miles. If I was able to walk at a normal pace I’d probably have gone almost 3 miles, but this particular walker is designed to make it like you’re walking up a very steep incline, and that slows you down.

I’m trying to space my food between 4-hour gaps. This week’s menu consists of chicken for protein, popcorn for fun, potatoes to keep regular, and fruit for its vitamins. Knowing I was going to begin the diet today, I ate like crazy over the last few days so I’m back up to 130. If I can’t get under 127, then I’ll have to decide whether or not I want to just maintain that or see a doctor whenever we’re insured again. I should lose 2-3 pounds a week on a diet like this, so it’ll be a couple of weeks before my question is answered as to whether or not anything’s wrong.

I’m still going to try to make my uterus go bad when we’re insured too, but I don’t know if God will let me do that. He doesn’t like women in general and he obviously wants us to suffer more than men do. I also don’t know if I can cure my asthma or even make it better, because again, God wanted me to suffer in the first place. I just don’t know why or why any God would want to see so much pain and suffering occur on earth like it does.

As funny as it may sound, and although Tom’s been putting in job applications, it’d be best if he didn’t get a job till after the new year, given the timing of our billing cycle on the electricity and the satellite. He plans to use the remaining two Tuesdays of the month, which is when the unemployment check comes, to pay the electric bill and the satellite. Meanwhile, we’re going to lose the TV any second now. Fortunately for me, it’s no big loss. I never watch it anyway. All I’ve been watching are my CA episodes while I walk. You have to be late on the electric and satellite bills for a month before they can turn you off, so this is why he wants to make sure they get paid, whereas if he got a job now, it might be 2-3 weeks before we got a check which means that by then they’d have shut us off. Although our generator only needs a $1 part to function again, we don’t care to live off of this generator like we were doing when we were first moving in here!

I just wish I could snap my fingers and have it be a month from now! I’d at least like to know if we’re staying or going. My vibes have been swinging from one thing to another with that and I don’t know what to believe anymore. First we were going to Nevada, then northern Arizona, then we were staying right here, and now we’re stuck somewhere in Maricopa on 2-5 acres with people barely 50’ away. I try to tell myself, “Don’t worry about history repeating itself. The tormenting freeloaders you lived with was just a fluke.”

But it wasn’t just a “fluke.” Flukes don’t keep happening over and over again, even if they have variations of sorts along the way. As far as I’m concerned, it’s a curse when the same kinds of bad things keep happening. Identifying its source may not always be the key to removing it, but I’d sure like to be able to identify it someday, and I’d certainly like to get rid of it, too!

I still wonder – just what haunts this land that doesn’t want us here? And could we really be meant to never have money, and is that why God wants us out of here; so we lose out on making serious money off this place in the future as it continues to build up around here? Or does he just want to see me stuck back with people and their damn dogs again?

It’s gotten rather cold. It’s only 33° right now, and of course, Maricopa’s dogs are going off about it. They’ve been barking non-stop since I got up at midnight.

I hope I have Mary mail and my nose treats waiting for me at the PO today. I could really use it in the midst of all this poverty and uncertainty going on.

I just got a third mail-return, but only sent Miss Perfect two messages. Or tried to. I get this every now and then, but Miss Perfect’s the only non-business source of return. When I’d get mail returned claiming there was an error in delivery, they were when I’d try to unsubscribe from spammers whom I had thought deliberately set things up to reject those trying to unsubscribe to use as an excuse to keep badgering people.

I don’t know if my mail got through to Miss P., but I also don’t care anymore. It’s always been rather hard for me to care about those who don’t care about me. Tom will go visit after Christmas as soon as he can afford the gas to do so, then if need be, we’ll be done with them. It’ll depend on how the visit goes. I mean, sure it was nice of them to lend us money when we’d ask, but we don’t need people who can’t take the initiative to care and help us on their own, not to mention the way Mary treated me in the casino, her rude picture obsession, the possibility that they may be sending mail to people I asked them not to send mail to that they know I don’t like and that were abusive, rarely caring enough to call, then ignoring my birthday. It wouldn’t surprise me if they ended up blowing off Tom’s birthday as well. Like I always said, though, you can’t change people. All you can do is avoid the ones you don’t like, or at least try to anyway.

I am so, so furious right now!!! Now my music computer’s broken! This curse is really getting scary. What are we going to do when it starts breaking us? I’m in tears of utter rage, frustration and fear right now, and am within inches of breaking what’s left that does work so that it can’t break any more of our shit! I’ll have to wait till Tom gets up, but it appears that the drive has corrupted or there’s something wrong with the way it spins. Not a quick $10 replacement. We can’t afford to keep fixing things here. This shit’s got to stop or we’ll just have to do away with most of our things that are mechanical and I’ll end up picking at the carpet instead of vacuuming it, scrubbing clothes and dishes by hand and never using computers.

Finally, the spell has worked! I killed his infection and prevented it from entering the inner ear. He’s still not 100% yet, though he’s much better. This week he can aggressively search for a job (he feels confident a temp agency will take him on), then about a month from now, we should know once and for all if we’re staying or going. I still think we’re going because even if we both got good-paying jobs, I don’t see how we could catch up fast enough. This isn’t a $425 rent payment we’re talking about, but a nearly $1,000 house payment.

As for Miss Perfect ignoring us, they’re hurting themselves more than they’re hurting us by stiffing us out of any birthday/Christmas money (unless Mom plans to give it all to Tom after Christmas) because if they don’t give us anything, we’re both done with them, and that will mean that sooner or later they’ll need someone to come fix something within their little shitbox that they’re too stupid to do themselves, and Tom won’t be answering their cries for help. It’s Tom’s family so he has to do what he wants if they stiff us and even sit back and watch us lose the house, but if it were all up to me, we’d never again answer any of their calls/emails much less contact them in any way. At that point, I’d say let them sit and worry and wonder why we’re ignoring them, and it amazes me just how stupid people are, too. Meaning, they fuck you over, you ditch them, then they ask why. Miss Perfect asked Tom why there wasn’t any email from me and he had to remind the ditz of her childish, selfish little casino outburst. People are so dumb at times it isn’t funny, but like I said, if they do what I think they’re going to do, let them go figure for all we’ll care.

I realize more and more that nobody gives a shit about us but us, but at least we have each other and aren’t alone. I couldn’t imagine life without him, rich or poor, no matter what we lived in. If we’ve got to be stuck in a dump for a while, though, fine as long as it isn’t next to any Jew-hating freeloaders with the wrong connections!!!

Later…

No Mary mail today. I’m surprised I didn’t get a letter as well as drafts because she had said she was going to get cracking on the book again. I guess she’s still depressed over her cousin. Because my flop of a story will be like 3 or 4 envelopes worth of stamps to mail to her, and I’m sure I need not remind her how broke we are, I won’t be writing as much but will get a letter off to her when I get 8 pages full as I don’t like to mail more than 4 sheets at a time. As I also told her, it isn’t just stamp money I gotta watch, it’s ink. My laser printer’s broken and I’m only half-full on ink. Fortunately for me, I don’t mind writing, so if I have to write by hand I will, but I think, I hope, it doesn’t come to that! If things get so bad that I can’t write at all, don’t think I’m dead, I told her, but again, if things ever got that bad, then something up there really, really does have it in for us! I’d like to think that not even we could rank that low on its shit list, but time will tell.

Things are still looking pretty bleak here but come mid-January we should definitely know for sure if we’re staying or going. I think we’ll end up going. Circumstances always force us to move before we’re ready to do so on our own, though if we do end up staying, we’re still going to look for better land deals that are more isolated. And fence this damn property!!!

I wish I loved noise cuz then I’d want to stay in the city where there are sewer systems, mail and trash services, and stores close by, but Arizona cities are a symphony of chaos! I suppose it’s that way in any area where it’s nice for most of the year. However, as long as people gotta act like animals, I couldn’t stand to live with them.

I called and left Paula a couple of messages.

They put a big water storage tank in front, but still haven’t dropped the second house, nor am I in any hurry for them to do so. The first house is still unoccupied as well.

They traded the trailer in back for a horse. I knew they’d get another horse unless this is the same one and it was sick or something. It’s hard to tell. Like I said, though, I knew they wouldn’t put all that time and money into a corral just to give up on horses that quickly. Especially such outdoorsy people like they are. They’ve been quieter, though, as far as that old truck with the loud motor goes, and have been burning their trash. Most of it anyway. They’re really not that bad when they can keep their dogs to themselves. The dog does get annoying at night, but they could be much worse, so I can’t complain too much. It’d be hell having them next to us in Phoenix, though, that’s for sure! There are just too many of them and too many dogs.

Tom got baking soda which I poured down the disposal as he thinks the foul odor I’ve been smelling is coming from that. I find that hard to believe, but we’ll see.

It’s been 7 weeks since I sent in the form for the $20 Toys R Us card. I’m sure I’ll never see it any more than I got to see the other cards. Why do they even have these offers if they know they’re not going to send the cards? Just to tease people? Or is this just our rip-off curse that never seems to quit?

Tomorrow begins the 1000-calorie/1-hour walk to finally find out for sure if something’s wrong or not. Again, I don’t know if it’ll show up in testing if there is. God won’t let what he doesn’t want fixed show up broken. So, if I don’t lose weight I better hope it’s a medical problem and not a curse.

Though the cold weather helps, along with spraying the doors, I have been getting better and better at keeping spiders out by placing spells on the insides of the doors.

Tom found that my prescription inhaler is $20 without insurance, yet the store-brand one was $10 which is what the prescription ones are with insurance, so he went and bought the store-brand one and said to hell with the last prescription one like we agreed he’d do if it did turn out to be more expensive. I’m going to be using the store brand one from now on anyway. Rich or poor, though, a person shouldn’t have to pay to breathe.

Tom said there were a few booms today that were about a 5 on a scale of 1–10 in severity, yet I amazingly slept through them. I had the fan on high, though, so maybe that’s why.

Again I got a message saying my mail to Miss Perfect wouldn’t go through, but I don’t know if this pertains to the first message I sent or the second.

I was thinking that if we do end up forced to move into some dive somewhere, I may not have the guts to leave it for fear of losing another nice house, too. After all, you can’t lose what you don’t have. If we can leave this place willingly on our own time and at our own pace, that’d be different. With so much of our lives dictated to us, though, I still think we’ll be forced out of here.

Unless they haven’t picked it up yet, Dave and Miss Perfect are ignoring us. I said it before, and I’ll say it again – they’ll never see or hear from me again if they stiff us out of Christmas money. I’ll take the damn t-shirts, pictures of my fat face, and other useless odds and ends if I have to so we can get our annual money.

Even Tom’s pissed that they ignored my birthday and as he said, if they didn’t want to send money, they could’ve at least sent a card. But they have no problem with sending the people who made my life a living hell Christmas cards. I still think it’s because I stood up to Miss Perfect and let her know that I’m me and she’s her and that she’ll just have to live with it. Most people would see that as my being rude and insulting, and most people hold grudges, too. Anyone who knows me knows that the quickest way to lose me is to try to change me, so I guess they just didn’t know me very well or they just didn’t care.

Anyway, Tom’s ear infection is still holding on, but improving little by little. I was really hoping to cure it faster. I even want to try to become powerful enough to make my uterus go bad once we’re insured. I’ve had enough surgery in my life, but it’d be a worthy investment if it’s going to cut me out of the 250 periods I have left.

He changed the fan inside my computer because it was making this obnoxious screeching sound.

I know now for sure that getting under 127 won’t be any easier than it has been for the last year or so. I’m not stuck, I’ve worked out consistently, I only had 1000 calories so far today, yet I’m already 3 pounds heavier than when I woke up. Oh well. At least I should be able to stay the same for quite a while. I don’t like having to work so hard to do so, but it’s better than nothing. Besides, if it were that easy to lose weight, most of us wouldn’t end up hopelessly fat like we do. If someone had told me back in my skinny 20s that I’d one day be heavy and have no control over it, I’d never have believed it in a million years!

Tomorrow’s the day I’ll probably get woken up because they didn’t fly today, and they’ve been flying every other day for the most part. It’s bad enough that I wake up for no reason!

I’m wondering if Miss Perfect and Dave have a block on me. I tried to send a quick message to remind them of our existence, hoping it’ll help them not forget about us over the holidays, but it was returned. The reasons why were confusing. It said something about an error, refused connection, and it being delayed. This has happened before too, so this is why I think they might have a block on me. I’ll ask Tom about it when he gets up. Anyway, if they do stiff us out of our holiday money on top of my birthday money and not caring enough to call, I swear I’ll make them sicker than sick! I’ll bring them to the brink of death and put the biggest spell on them ever!

Later…

Just when my spells seem to take effect on Tom’s ear infection, it seems to come back in full force. He’s still sure he’ll be better by Monday and able to be more productive. He better be. We don’t have the money for a doctor to treat this. I worried about this too; of God inflicting some sort of illness or injury upon us when he knows we’re vulnerable and without insurance.

I also wondered if this was Tom’s compensation for me sparing him from colds so far this year, but I don’t know. He said his throat was getting sore, so he may be coming down with one, too. Then again, it may just be the infection draining.

I sent Miss Perfect the message a different way and it went through, but as expected, I haven’t gotten a response. I don’t expect to either. I’m sure that when they read that we may lose the house they’ll be like, oh well, that’s their problem. Then they can go gamble away the extra money that we could use, and Mom can let her many thousands just sit in the bank. I disagree with Tom, though, in that I still don’t think this is all basic selfishness. I think part of it is they don’t like me because I stood up to Mary and let her know I wasn’t going to take her shit or be anything I’m not just to satisfy her. I still can’t believe just how much Doe in them they’ve turned out to have! They kept it hidden for quite a while. Usually, these things come out right away. Mary’s nothing but a control freak with no tolerance for those who aren’t like her and Mom is as selfish as can be.

Someone was blasting music on and off for hours earlier. I don’t see how the hell someone can stand to sit in a car and blast their music with the temperature in the 40s if it was a car stereo or blast music with doors or windows open if it was a house stereo. I tell myself to get used to it because we’re going to be hearing a lot more of that when we move. At least I fear we will. I just can’t get away from people. No matter how hard I try, I can’t shake them off. If I must end up forced to go where there are more people, though, I’d rather it at least be in the free world than in jail. A part of me wishes that if we were going to be forced onto less than 10 acres we were back east. I don’t miss the cold, snow and humidity, but at least there are very few small houses there, the water’s drinkable, and they don’t leave their dogs outside to bark 24/7. But we are where we are, and most curses never die. Meaning, I know we’ll end up next to the loudest people in the area, and if they aren’t there when we move in, they’ll join us in a matter of months. I don’t know if the main source of annoyance will be barking dogs, screaming kids, thumping bass or really loud engines like in a motorcycle, but there’ll be something.

One of the annoyances we have inside the house here which I’ve had to deal with ever since we’ve been here is the on-and-off foul odors that waft through here that only I seem to be able to smell. I know my nose is like a bloodhound’s, but I was amazed that Tom couldn’t smell the burst of foul smells that ran through here earlier. It’s been worse lately and every day I’m assaulted by foul odors that seem to have no pattern or source. I had thought it was coming from the septic, but now I don’t know what to think because oddly enough, it seems to be connected to the vents. I smell it more when the heat’s on. It made me wonder if something got into the vents and died there, but if it did, why didn’t one of us hear it before it died? And why would I only sometimes smell it? I don’t smell it every time the heat’s running and sometimes it’s stronger than others. This, combined with the unexplained crack in Tom’s office window, among other happenings here, are just so supernatural-ish. As most people know, I don’t scare easily at all. The only things I can think of that I really consider scary are open heights and spiders, especially if they’re big. In other words, ghosts and goblins don’t scare me, but these events really fray my nerves. It’s just another source of trouble I can’t fight, as far as I’m concerned. I really believe this evil entity is that of someone who died on or around this property about 50 years ago and they’re lost, in a sense. Maybe they don’t even realize they’re dead. Especially if they’re trapped between the land of the living and the land of the dead if there is such a thing. Either way, I don’t think the shit we’ve gone through in this house is all on account of some lost or angry spirit.

I just wish I knew what was going on and where we’ll be in a few months from now. I’m also so, so sick of having to hope that this one doesn’t fuck up or that that one doesn’t fuck up, because I know that if they do, we’ll be the ones to pay for it. It’s like so much of our lives is what others make it and I’m just so sick of it!

As for another one of my long-term curses, after the next grocery run, I’m going to cut my calories to 1000 a day and up my walking to an hour a day. If that doesn’t get the weight off, then there can’t not be something wrong. This will tell me either way and I’d really like to know for once and for all. Of course, just because there may be something wrong doesn’t mean God would let it show up on a doctor’s test. Not if he doesn’t want me fixing it. If it doesn’t work, I promised myself that I would no longer continue to torture myself over the subject. I’ll still try to maintain the weight, but no more trying to lose it after this. There’s a time to try our best to achieve whatever, then there’s a time to let it go and move on, and that’s what I need to do if this doesn’t work. We all have things we can’t do. We win some, we lose some. Not everyone can lose weight any more than everyone can quit smoking.

I’ve been sleeping really weirdly the last couple of days. I wake up a million times, then I get up too soon. Today I managed to go back to sleep, though.

I fell asleep at 129 and woke up a few hours later at 127, but when I got up for good, I was still 127. That pretty much tells me something right there. For some reason my body just won’t budge under 127, but should I really be all that surprised? I never had much control over my own body in the past, so why would I now?

No booms yet, but they may boom by tomorrow. They boomed by twice yesterday. This is just when I thought they’d stopped flying again too, so once again, I better try to stay on days next time I get there.

This is certainly a surprise change in weather. I had just finished listening to music and when I stood up, I heard this steady sound. I was like, what the hell is that? My first thought was that it was the heat hissing through the vents, but as I passed by them, I didn’t feel the air moving. Besides, I knew it was still a few degrees away from coming on. The heat’s set to come on at 69°. When I went into the living room, I realized it was pouring down rain. It rained rather hard and for quite some time too, with gusts of wind to help the rain leak in the back door.

I decided to end my book, A New Life, a New Love, and I’m not happy with the way it turned out. I just ran out of ideas. This is why I could never be a romance writer – because without the suspenseful, adventurous twists murder mysteries have, it’d make for such dull writing/reading. At least, in my opinion, it would. Murder and mayhem seem to be my thing. Maybe that’s why there are so many more mystery writers out there than romance writers. What much more can you add to a romance book after they meet, fall in love and get it on? Either way, I’ll still save and print out this boring, gone-nowhere story for Tom and Mary. It seems I do best with characters who are either in law enforcement, medicine or the performing arts.

Anyway, all that really happened in the story was that a young girl gets hit by a car and is found with no ID on her. Neurologist Rene names her Katrina and the two fall for each other while Katrina undergoes all kinds of therapy to help her amnesia and partial paralysis. Eventually, her ex-girlfriend goes to see her in the hospital and Katrina, whose name is really Brittany, gets her memory back bit by bit. She decides to take Rene’s offer to live with her because her family was abusive.

My next book, Imprisoned Love, will have the usual suspense I like to both read and write. It’ll mainly be about a prisoner who falls for a guard who isn’t always nice to her. Sometimes she is, though, and so the prisoner ends up sort of torn between wanting nothing to do with the guard and wanting to hang onto her as they get it on in and outside of the prison. Meanwhile, while the prisoner is somewhat frightened of the guard, the guard grows increasingly obsessed with her, killing those who try to get in their way.

The dogs still bark their asses off at night, and I’m like, just what are they barking so wildly at anyway? Is it the nocturnal wildlife scurrying about that stirs them up? Or are they just that cold, lonely and neglected?

Piggy may turn out to be an okay rat after all. He let me pick him up last night and all 3 of them were out, though briefly.

I still worry just how much worse things will get before they temporarily improve. With the way God loves to see me stuck in places I don’t want to be, I still fear we’ll end up in some shitbox with neighbors just 50’ away. It’s better than 3’, but much worse than 450’. My vibes pertaining to moving/staying are totally screwed up. As I said before, it seems logical that we’re going to lose the house. We still want to move, it’s just that we’d prefer to do it on our own terms. Instead, whenever I moved as an adult as well as with him, we were pretty much forced to do so. Yes, we wanted out of the Phoenix house, but we were also running at the same time. Anyway, if the evil that we just can’t seem to shake free of doesn’t drive us out of here, then it sure is obvious that it likes to at least tease us with this place and make us think we’re going to lose it.

Nothing compares to the stress I was going through at this time last year. This is nothing compared to knowing I would soon have to face the utter humiliation and degradation of pissing in front of someone.

At 127 pounds, it’s too soon to get my hopes up, but the answer to why I wasn’t losing weight may have been right under my nose all this time. It’s starting to seem like I wasn’t working my heart hard enough or long enough, along with the fact that I wasn’t getting enough fiber. Now begins the real test. If I can get down to 125, then I should be able to get pretty much anywhere. Maybe not the 100 pounds I’d like to be, but perhaps to 110-115. I don’t know, though. I’m still 38 years old, not 20-something, and it’s not in my nature to be thin. If I don’t lose weight, then I guess something up there just doesn’t want me to. On the other hand, I know that losing weight only means asking for a new problem, and so I ask myself, do I really want to trade in my weight problem for a new problem that could be worse?

I’m still pissed that Marge ignored my birthday and at a time we’re so desperate for money. That was cold, really fucking cold.

Tom’s got an ear infection right now. Like we need to be dealing with this shit on top of everything else, and when we’re uninsured? Is there no end to the evil and the hatred from above? We’re doing the alcohol and peroxide treatments and hoping for the best. I’m also putting spells on it. We have to cure it ourselves one way or another because it’d cost many hundreds of dollars we don’t have to see a doctor.

I don’t like Piggy much so far. He’s becoming more and more against being handled and I hate pets that won’t let me handle them.

Brownie’s cool, though. He likes attention as much as Little Fella who’s humongous!

They’re flying again. Amazingly they waited till after I got up to do so, but I’m sure they’ll wake me up in the next week. I’m about due for my next wake-up call anyway.

My hair’s now long enough to put back in a regular braid.

Because we’re sick of struggling so much and need a break, even though it can’t be much of one, we’re going to get each other some treats. He’s going to get lottery tickets and I’m going to make a small incense order as the Walmart kind really is boring! It’ll be just a $20 order, though. I’m getting 100 mini sticks of brown sugar, chocolate and fruit, and 20-packs of angel, raspberry, honey and butter rum, and 5-packs of grape and watermelon. That’s 240 hours of burn time.

I read an interview online that Kate did with this guy hosting it that has a website dedicated to her. I could probably get her to contact me if I had a site of my own, but I’m a little too greedy for that. Meaning, I wouldn’t want to put so much effort into something I couldn’t make money from. Guess I’m just not that obsessed with her. If I was 10 years old all over again and we had computers, you bet I would then!

Anyway, I got a kick out of how she said that if she, Farrah and Jaclyn did a CA movie, it’d be the only real CA movie. How right she’d be, too! The CA movies they made a couple of years ago are a joke. They’re not even real women if you ask me. They look more like girls and I hate that girlie look. Well, I don’t hate it, but it doesn’t turn me on either. I like a woman who’s all woman, even if she’s a bit dyky looking. Either way, I agree with Tom who says it’ll never happen because of their too-big egos. Farrah would want more and more money as if she doesn’t have enough already, and they’d all want to control this and want to control that.

Kate sounds so much like me. Maybe too much to be able to get along and have a relationship had we met and been the same age. She strikes me as the type to complain about my wacky schedule too, and things like that.

I just wish to hell we could have our own home-based business! I know I’m wishing for the impossible, though. I swear God must’ve said the day I was born, “Just hand me your list of dreams that you’ll have throughout life and make sure they never come true.” For the most part, he’s done just that too, but fortunately, the only real dream I have right now is for us to survive and be happy and healthy while we have a little extra spending money for fun. You just can’t get very far working odd jobs all your life where the risk of getting laid off or fired is so high. Odd jobs are what cause you to do okay at times, then struggle at times. It just doesn’t have the security a home business could have if we could come up with a clever enough idea that will keep a steady income coming in. There’s no sense in wasting our time dreaming, though. Tom’s going to have to go work for someone else, spend years working his way back up to the big bucks, then try to keep it going as long as he can till God makes sure his hard work is rewarded with a layoff or a firing.