I know now for sure that getting under 127 won’t be any easier than it has been for the last year or so. I’m not stuck, I’ve worked out consistently, I only had 1000 calories so far today, yet I’m already 3 pounds heavier than when I woke up. Oh well. At least I should be able to stay the same for quite a while. I don’t like having to work so hard to do so, but it’s better than nothing. Besides, if it were that easy to lose weight, most of us wouldn’t end up hopelessly fat like we do. If someone had told me back in my skinny 20s that I’d one day be heavy and have no control over it, I’d never have believed it in a million years!

Tomorrow’s the day I’ll probably get woken up because they didn’t fly today, and they’ve been flying every other day for the most part. It’s bad enough that I wake up for no reason!

I’m wondering if Miss Perfect and Dave have a block on me. I tried to send a quick message to remind them of our existence, hoping it’ll help them not forget about us over the holidays, but it was returned. The reasons why were confusing. It said something about an error, refused connection, and it being delayed. This has happened before too, so this is why I think they might have a block on me. I’ll ask Tom about it when he gets up. Anyway, if they do stiff us out of our holiday money on top of my birthday money and not caring enough to call, I swear I’ll make them sicker than sick! I’ll bring them to the brink of death and put the biggest spell on them ever!

Later…

Just when my spells seem to take effect on Tom’s ear infection, it seems to come back in full force. He’s still sure he’ll be better by Monday and able to be more productive. He better be. We don’t have the money for a doctor to treat this. I worried about this too; of God inflicting some sort of illness or injury upon us when he knows we’re vulnerable and without insurance.

I also wondered if this was Tom’s compensation for me sparing him from colds so far this year, but I don’t know. He said his throat was getting sore, so he may be coming down with one, too. Then again, it may just be the infection draining.

I sent Miss Perfect the message a different way and it went through, but as expected, I haven’t gotten a response. I don’t expect to either. I’m sure that when they read that we may lose the house they’ll be like, oh well, that’s their problem. Then they can go gamble away the extra money that we could use, and Mom can let her many thousands just sit in the bank. I disagree with Tom, though, in that I still don’t think this is all basic selfishness. I think part of it is they don’t like me because I stood up to Mary and let her know I wasn’t going to take her shit or be anything I’m not just to satisfy her. I still can’t believe just how much Doe in them they’ve turned out to have! They kept it hidden for quite a while. Usually, these things come out right away. Mary’s nothing but a control freak with no tolerance for those who aren’t like her and Mom is as selfish as can be.

Someone was blasting music on and off for hours earlier. I don’t see how the hell someone can stand to sit in a car and blast their music with the temperature in the 40s if it was a car stereo or blast music with doors or windows open if it was a house stereo. I tell myself to get used to it because we’re going to be hearing a lot more of that when we move. At least I fear we will. I just can’t get away from people. No matter how hard I try, I can’t shake them off. If I must end up forced to go where there are more people, though, I’d rather it at least be in the free world than in jail. A part of me wishes that if we were going to be forced onto less than 10 acres we were back east. I don’t miss the cold, snow and humidity, but at least there are very few small houses there, the water’s drinkable, and they don’t leave their dogs outside to bark 24/7. But we are where we are, and most curses never die. Meaning, I know we’ll end up next to the loudest people in the area, and if they aren’t there when we move in, they’ll join us in a matter of months. I don’t know if the main source of annoyance will be barking dogs, screaming kids, thumping bass or really loud engines like in a motorcycle, but there’ll be something.

One of the annoyances we have inside the house here which I’ve had to deal with ever since we’ve been here is the on-and-off foul odors that waft through here that only I seem to be able to smell. I know my nose is like a bloodhound’s, but I was amazed that Tom couldn’t smell the burst of foul smells that ran through here earlier. It’s been worse lately and every day I’m assaulted by foul odors that seem to have no pattern or source. I had thought it was coming from the septic, but now I don’t know what to think because oddly enough, it seems to be connected to the vents. I smell it more when the heat’s on. It made me wonder if something got into the vents and died there, but if it did, why didn’t one of us hear it before it died? And why would I only sometimes smell it? I don’t smell it every time the heat’s running and sometimes it’s stronger than others. This, combined with the unexplained crack in Tom’s office window, among other happenings here, are just so supernatural-ish. As most people know, I don’t scare easily at all. The only things I can think of that I really consider scary are open heights and spiders, especially if they’re big. In other words, ghosts and goblins don’t scare me, but these events really fray my nerves. It’s just another source of trouble I can’t fight, as far as I’m concerned. I really believe this evil entity is that of someone who died on or around this property about 50 years ago and they’re lost, in a sense. Maybe they don’t even realize they’re dead. Especially if they’re trapped between the land of the living and the land of the dead if there is such a thing. Either way, I don’t think the shit we’ve gone through in this house is all on account of some lost or angry spirit.

I just wish I knew what was going on and where we’ll be in a few months from now. I’m also so, so sick of having to hope that this one doesn’t fuck up or that that one doesn’t fuck up, because I know that if they do, we’ll be the ones to pay for it. It’s like so much of our lives is what others make it and I’m just so sick of it!

As for another one of my long-term curses, after the next grocery run, I’m going to cut my calories to 1000 a day and up my walking to an hour a day. If that doesn’t get the weight off, then there can’t not be something wrong. This will tell me either way and I’d really like to know for once and for all. Of course, just because there may be something wrong doesn’t mean God would let it show up on a doctor’s test. Not if he doesn’t want me fixing it. If it doesn’t work, I promised myself that I would no longer continue to torture myself over the subject. I’ll still try to maintain the weight, but no more trying to lose it after this. There’s a time to try our best to achieve whatever, then there’s a time to let it go and move on, and that’s what I need to do if this doesn’t work. We all have things we can’t do. We win some, we lose some. Not everyone can lose weight any more than everyone can quit smoking.