This has certainly been a wet winter! This is the fourth rainy/cloudy day in a row. Even so, we managed to bomb yesterday, so I feel a lot better.

We didn’t think to pick up fencing supplies, but we did rent a handful of DVDs. We’re not sure yet if we’re going to rent from Blockbuster, get an online membership, or order HBO.

If Scot doesn’t show up within the next 4 hours, then we’ll have skipped yet another month. At this point, I still think August 8th was his last visit. I just wish I’d known it and known that the test would be as easy as it was, as it would’ve taken a lot of stress off of me, but it seems upstairs’ favorite pastime for me is to see me get all worked up and worried for nothing.

Got two letters from Mary yesterday. She basically said not to fret over Teddy Bear (oh, believe me, I’m not) and that she plans to speak out on Andrew’s behalf at the sentencing which is today. I’ll look online later on to see what I can find.

Also, my theory was right; it was Chavez filling Mary in on TB. I got a kick out of how she said she wished TB would be transferred back there so she could make her wish she’d never been born. I’m sure she would, too! Anyway, if there are more delays, I’ll send Teddy Bear’s letter in for Chavez to give to her, now that I know it’s Chavez, someone I got along with well enough and think I can trust. After all, she passed kites between me and that bitch Hope.

If not, Tom and I agreed to ask Mary if she could mail it for me. Tom said, “I agree with you. If they’re going to pull any more stunts, it’ll be right before or after the probation ends, so don’t give them any ammunition.”

Also, it’d be risky having Mary send it now as I’m not supposed to associate with her. This is why we agree it’d be best and much less risky to have her mail it for me after 10/30, cuz if they happen to notice I’ve been pen pals with her all along, though I doubt they will, it’ll be too late to violate me. Also, if it comes from Mary, it’ll look less vengeful because, in truth, I don’t want to deliberately set out to get TB fired. If that happens, it happens, but my number one goal is to give her a piece of my mind. I know it won’t change anything. Still, I want her to know how much she hurt me. Maybe she won’t be so quick to toy with people’s hearts and make her damn false promises in the future! Anyway, if Mary agrees to do this I’ll send her the letter, the address, and a note containing what to say. I thought she could make it simple and say, “This is a letter Jodi sent me to give you if you returned to Estrella while I was still there. She didn’t want to mail it to you directly because she didn’t want to get you in trouble.” Then she can add whatever else she wants to add to it as long as it’s not something like, “I’m going to kill you if I ever see you,” but I know Mary knows better than that. She can just scold her for hurting me and let her know that we both thought she should have a piece of my mind anyway.

Tom has a point when he said that me sending the letter directly to Teddy Bear right after I get off probation could look vengeful and like I’m just getting back at people, but with Mary sending it saying I had wanted her to give it to her if she saw her, it won’t look so bad.

Doing it this way will mean sending only one copy, of course, and I hope she’ll get to read every word of it before the sergeant seizes it, if she/he does. Maybe I should have Mary add a note to whoever opens the letter, asking to please be sure that she does get to read it, even if it ends up with the sergeant.

Lastly, she says I do a good job with fantasy writing.

Later on, after Tom gets up, we’re going to order that gown for Eve, plus gold shoe boots to go with it. Then, I’ll save up $75 as fast as I can and hope the Esme urban sport doll with the micro braids is still on sale. If not, I’ll continue saving till I have $110, and get the Esme mesmerizing doll. I’ll eventually get Sydney too, so I can have the entire line in that series.

Later…

As I sit here and type up a clip of Mary’s all about how Justin and his buddy used to rob girls they dated, it never ceases to amaze me how stupid she was. I mean, she had to have known about this long before they were taken into custody. Probably before they got all that serious with each other, which should have been enough right there to tell her what she was dealing with. In this day and age, Mary may be more intelligent than most people, especially her age, but her past stupidity makes my dumbest moves seem not so dumb after all. God knows I have a lot of regrets. There are so many things I said and did that I wish I didn’t, and so many things I didn’t say and do that I wish I did, yet Mary makes my most naïve years seem like I was a mature genius. The question is, how many more years would she have hung onto Justin if they’d never been captured? Till she had more kids killed by him? Till she was killed? It’s so sick and so sad. I mean, she describes the beatings and verbal abuse as utterly terrifying, yet a part of her must’ve liked it in a sick, twisted sort of way to have put up with it for so long. It’s not like she was trapped. There were people she could’ve gone to. They too may’ve had their problems, but none nearly as bad as Justin’s.

I once heard someone say that it makes no sense to believe in life and survival if you don’t believe in death and killing, and that’s so true. She should’ve shot him dead and then run like hell without ever looking back, just in case the pigs decided to charge her with murder and not self-defense. One can cry self-defense, but whether it’s true or not, it’s hit or miss as to whether or not that’s what the incident will be labeled as. I wouldn’t take my chances. Nonetheless, dogs kill people twice their size/weight, and so can people and I think that’s exactly what she should’ve done before things got so far out of hand. Animals kill other animals in order to survive, and if we people are technically animals too, then we should kill when it means protecting our own lives or those of our offspring if we have any.

She liked it. She definitely liked being abused. Same with Paula and Tammy who would no doubt be miserable today all over again, wishing she’d never married Mark, realizing just how similar he is to Dick and Bill, yet deep down, perhaps in a subconscious way, getting off on it, destined to find one Dick, Bill and Mark after another.

As for Paula – she could beat the shit out of 80% of the population which is part of what tells me she’s an abuse junkie, too. That and the fact that she keeps getting the same types. Abusers may be all someone like her could attract, but that doesn’t mean she has to keep saying yes to them unless she likes/wants what she’s in for.

Also, the way Justin treats men versus women makes me think he’s gay. Though he’s probably the type to never admit it or act on it, I think deep down he prefers male company what with the way Mary’s described him. His personality sounds like a true sexist, and most sexists, such as myself (with the exception of Tom and a few others) are gay. Just the way he’s all happy and cheery with guys while he’s abusive and disrespectful to women tells me this.

Another fun day of shopping. Almost. We were going to buy DVDs online. They have this thing where you get them in the mail, enclosed with postage-paid envelopes to mail them back in, but since it’s $20 a month, we decided to check out a store in Casa Grande before we commit to any memberships. Especially when I’m not big on TV in the first place. I’m very picky about what I watch. It takes a lot to interest and entertain me, whereas most people will watch just about anything. In fact, we may bump the bombing up to tomorrow instead of next Monday and maybe check out a store while we’re doing that. We’ll carry the bitch in her cage, put it on the truck, and cover it with a sheet, and the guys will go with us in a tank.

I’ve worked very, very little on my story since I first began it. I just can’t think of exciting things to add to the story while we get to know each other, get it on, etc. Oh, well. There’s no hurry. If I think of more to add to it, I will. If not, I won’t.

I was right about Tom being against the Teddy Bear letter. He feels the pigs will use it to frame me or cause some kind of trouble for me, and that it’ll also get her fired. I don’t know about getting her fired, but I doubt the pigs would use it against me. This is an entirely different situation than me being handed a threatening letter by a black pig who was friends with the “victim,” also a black.

On the other hand, I never would’ve thought that a molehill could turn into a mountain and that I’d be sent to jail for half a year for a supposed letter either, so you never do know. I don’t want Tom to be all paranoid, and also, letting TB know how I feel, as nice as that would’ve been, could never change things and isn’t worth the possible risks, no matter how low they may be.

I’ll just tell Mary to tell the DO who knows her that she’s a real jerk for leading me on and breaking my heart by not seeing me just as soon as I hear of the next delay.

No, I’ll do better than that. I’ll send the letter to Mary to give the DO to give to TB. Yeah, that’s what I’ll do, and now I want there to be another delay. Watch, though. Now that I’ve made up my mind to do this she really will leave this time around.

Since we agreed to go with barbed wire, and since Tom drives by hardware stores on the way to work, he’s going to start getting things little by little. A bushel of posts here and a bushel there, etc.

Now that the blacks are done with us on the home front, and since we rarely get people bugging us here, perhaps we won’t bother locking the gate. We’ll put signs out when expecting packages, telling them to leave them at the gate. Tom will talk to APS too, to see if we should do our own meter readings or what.

We’re probably not going to call a surveyor out to tell us the exact property lines as it’s pretty expensive and not worth the money when we can pretty much figure it out on our own. We may need to rent a chainsaw when we’re installing the fences to cut through the heavier brush around the washes, and maybe an auger as well. We need to pour in cement to steady the posts first, but we may not have to cement them all. Maybe just every other one. There are going to be about 120 posts in all and they’ll be 10’–12’ apart.

Tom was doing the puzzle I made for him, and naturally, he was doing it in slow motion. He made me one today with computer-related words, and of course I had it done in no time. I’m as great with word finds as I am lousy with crosswords.

Webshots still hasn’t taken the money for the mug, so that tells me I may be in for the same 2-week wait I was in for with Little Buddy’s mug before Christmas, but that’s ok. It won’t kill me to wait. Besides, it’s coming priority mail. Webshots is so huge that I can imagine just how many orders a day they must get on mugs alone!

Got quite a bit of updating to do. Most of it’s good, some of it is scary.

I was sitting at my computer last night when instantly, like a light switch, the spider vibes came on. I started at the north end of the house and worked my way down. Upon stepping into the little bathroom, the feeling intensified. I peered into the shower stall and there it was. This one was about an inch and a half. So I turned on the hot water and flushed it down the drain. At least that’s what I think I did. However, when Tom was up earlier today, I noticed what appeared to be a leg protruding from under the saucer we’ve had over the drain, but Tom insisted it was a scratch. Well, it wasn’t a scratch so we saw when he lifted the saucer. It was dead, but it was a spider. The question is, though, was it the same spider that survived long enough after I flushed it down by clinging to the side of the drain before coming back up to die? Or did it come up either the sink drain he forgot to close or the vent? The protruding leg didn’t exist earlier in the day or else I think I’d have noticed it. Either way, I said, that’s it. We’ve got to do something. So I cut pieces of screen and put them under the vents. They don’t make the perfect seal, but if these things are coming from the vents, it should definitely help. Tom still thinks the drains are the likely place. If that’s true, and I hope it is, whatever may be left living in them should be dead soon enough. Still, we’re going to bomb next week when he’s on vacation, and we also ordered vent filters from a catalog that might seal them up even better, along with making it better for allergies. That’s its main purpose, along with keeping things from falling down the vents, though that’s not a problem for us.

We actually did quite a bit of shopping today. We bought the 2-way satellite system for nearly $500. Someone will be out next week to install it.

Plus, we also treated ourselves to odds and ends from an online catalog. I got a bushel of pink scented roses, pink slippers, an ear wax removal thing to hopefully clean my fake canal, blind cleaners that will let you clean up to 6 slats at a time, a map of the US with slots to put the state quarters I’ve been saving, and a cheap $10 pair of pedals to use until they break, too. I should still jog, though. It works my muscles and heart harder, even though I know I’ll never be under 120 again in my life. Maybe not even under 125! I did lose 2 of the 3 pounds I gained, though, I know they’ll be back and that there’s no point in getting excited about it.

Tom got the truck running and even drove it around the land for a while. It still smokes a bit, though.

There are more things to write about, but I’m getting a little tired and have every PMS symptom in the book that’s physical. Fortunately, I don’t get the mental part of it these days, but right now I’ve got a backache and I feel like a water balloon.

Later…

I guess I’ll write some more. I’m not ready for bed or in the mood to do anything else. My tits are too sore to go jogging. Even with a good bra they still bounce somewhat. I miss my little mosquito bites instead of these 37” things!

Tom said that next month will be our final Bowflex payment, then we’ll never have to write another check again since we’re now paying all our bills online. That’s good since we don’t have address labels, and that way I can use all the stamps on Mary.

Tom pointed out that since the new house is about twice as far as the one that’s two properties across from next door, that house is probably 4 properties away which does make sense. That’d make it about 3,500 feet away. Still close enough to hear music in the open desert. Tom said he could hear what sounded like a worker’s radio coming from over there, but of course, I didn’t hear it in the house. It would have to be basey, like in a car stereo, to be heard in the house. I doubt I’ll hear their dogs in the house, but outside I might.

It’s been cool, windy and rainy which is part of what’s stirring up the spiders.

Anyway, Tom picked up my dolls yesterday, and I was wrong again. This is definitely Alex. I’d recognize the face anywhere. She’s also definitely black and definitely a redhead, and as funny as that combination may sound, it actually looks good on her. She has brown eyes and came with a green jewel in her belly button which I thought was a great idea and I glued a diamond in one of the Playboy doll’s belly buttons. Her legs, though, are kind of odd. They cross at the ankles if you have her in an upright position and spread outward in a seated position. She doesn’t have bending legs, though (she pivots at the waist), so she’ll always be standing. I have her leaning back with her legs crossed in a casual pose. Another thing is her wide crotch. It looks a bit odd, especially with her ankles crossed. To hide this, since her gold and white coat, which looks great on her in contrast with her dark skin, is rather open in front, I made a little skirt from an old black knit shirt. All in all, she’s a really nice doll. Nicer than Eve.

Eve’s just so-so. I didn’t realize her hair was as short as it is, but her brown hair is barely below chin level. It’s stylish, but I do prefer long hair. Her face is so-so. She has brown eyes and bendable legs. If I could, I’d either never have gotten her or I’d sell her for $20, but since neither is possible, I think I’ll make the best of her and buy her this really nice outfit from the site I bought her from for $15. Never have I found such a cheap site and I wish there were more like it! Anyway, all I have for her to wear right now is the cranberry satin Playboy robe that came with Karen.

As my luck would have it, both their stands are too tall for them. Their feet are a ½ inch above the bases. However, I’m using one of them for Karen who was never as steady on her own as Victoria is.

I decided not to bother getting any more Eve dolls, but I am considering adding the blond Barbie with the red hair tips and red gown that’s utterly gorgeous to my list. I doubt I’ll bother with Diva.

Last night we ordered the mug with Joy and Bailey’s pictures on it.

I just finished up some stuff for Mary. That visualization thing. I swear she must’ve copied the whole book! I was delighted to hear there’s no library in the Florida jail, though she’ll just write more poems and stories to make up for it. She loves to write! It’s not like she has much else to do anyway, and for someone who also loves to write and spent enough time locked in a cell as well, I can understand the constant need to write anything and everything. I just hope she doesn’t pester me about looking for stuff online or in stores to copy for her.

Paula left a message saying she got an additional year of probation and has two more cases pending. I still sense jail at some point, though.

She never said anything about the CD which kind of irks me. The least she could’ve done was let me know if she got it and if she had any problems with it or not.

Yesterday I asked Tom, “Why don’t you just call up Dave, tell him we’re just not sure when we’re going to get the truck running, and ask if he’d haul in the fences while we still have the money for them?”

Then he came out and told me that now that we’ve agreed to go with barbed wire, we can haul the stuff in the car, and I was like, well then what are we waiting for? Let’s get the show on the road once and for all.

I still have mixed emotions about us sleeping together. I still have no desire to get it on with him, nor do I want to have the desire to get it on with him. I don’t want it to be like it was in the beginning with me always wanting it while he’s full of excuses – he’s tired, he’s sick, he’s sore, etc. It really sucks to want someone with a barely existent appetite, just like it sucks to have someone smothering you all the time.

As for him, he still shows zero signs of desire himself, only he’d never admit that. Instead, he’ll blame either circumstances or me, even if it’s indirectly. Sometimes circumstances, fate, and other people really do prevent us from doing things, but there’s no reason, despite how busy we can be, for us not to get together unless neither of us is interested, and it really bothers me that he won’t admit his part in the lack of interest. There’s nothing to say I’m wrong about his not being interested, and I still believe I’m right when I said he also couldn’t admit his lack of interest in a kid. Yesterday, Little Fella was hounding me for attention. I made the comment to him as he sat on my shoulder that part of why I decided I didn’t want a kid was so that I could have a life and do things, and out of the corner of my eye I could clearly see Tom turn his head away as if to say, “I do not want to hear that subject.”

If I ever feel the need to “get it on” with someone again in my life, it’ll be with a woman with no strings attached. Meaning, it may be a good thing if she herself was attached. Tom is who I love, just not who I lust.

Supposedly, the latest story with the truck title is that it got mixed up or something like that and the guy claims he’ll get it squared away with the DMV, then leave it inside the white truck once he gets it, but I know he’s just telling stories. Why can’t people just say so when they don’t want to do something?!

In just two days I’ve gained 3 pounds, and of course, it could never be the other way around. I could never lose 3 pounds in two days. Because I was stuck for a couple of days and am due for my period, I’d like to think that maybe it’s water retention, but I don’t know. I don’t need much of a reason to gain weight.

I remember Mary once said in one of her letters to me how she had to work for her abs and for her overall appearance, but at least she gets results from her hard work while I work so hard for so little. I lose a few measly pounds that I have to struggle like hell to keep off, and that’s it. Meanwhile, no matter how much muscle I may build, it’s always smothered in globs of fat I know I could never lose unless I was sent to one of Hitler’s old concentration camps and starved.

I’m sending the last Estrella letter to Mary this week till she contacts me about the millionth delay.

Also, since she didn’t object, I’ll be sending questionable items to her aunt to hang onto that I don’t want to mail to jail.

Little Fella’s obsessed with me. Rats are supposed to be nocturnal, but unlike his roommate who sleeps most of the day, he’s always up wanting to come out, run around and explore, and get attention from me. He still loves to climb all over me.

A few more pictures of me were downloaded from my albums. Later on, we’ll order a mug from this site. Assuming I like it, I’ll order a few more, then get back to the dolls I want. I still may get basic Eve. The one dressed in a business outfit is similar though still different from Tyler’s. It’s a really nice doll. I pretty much only got the ones I should be getting tomorrow cuz it was the only site that had such a wonderful deal. I’m sure I’ll still like them, though. If I didn’t, I wouldn’t have gotten them. However, Business Eve and Saffron Sunset Eve will be much nicer. That’s why they cost so much more.

Anyway, I’m hoping the mug will arrive sooner than two weeks. The Little Buddy mug took that long because we ordered it right before Christmas. At least, I think that’s why it did. We’ll find out.

What is this black history month shit they’ve been advertising all month on my radio? That was supposed to be last month. It’s like every month is blackie month! Black this, black that, black everything!

Today’s the day Tom will be going on the roof to hopefully screen off the drainpipes with no problem. At least we haven’t seen any 6” spiders out here or those giant cockroaches. Tom says the cockroaches aren’t native to Arizona, so we shouldn’t see them out here. I often chide myself for being scared of something so much smaller than me, yet if a giant man came after me, I wouldn’t be scared, I’d be furious.

Tom almost got the truck running yesterday, but because of a cable he had disconnected earlier, he couldn’t get it started because he couldn’t remember which cable it was.

The CD player wasn’t broken. As it turned out, it was trying to read music burned at too high of a speed which is too fast for this 20x player. My burner/player in the office is 48x. I had been burning at 24x, but now I’ll burn at 12x like Tom used to.

Well, I saw the end last night in my sleep, so it looks like yes, everything will be ok. I dreamt of my final meeting with the cheeks. What’s scary, though, is as Teddy Bear taught me, the people you least expect to can suddenly turn on you. All he’d have to do is rip up and destroy my report sheet and claim I skipped. I doubt he’d do this, but it’s just as scary to know that sometimes people we barely know can have just as much of a hold on us as those we know really well.

I still have conflicting emotions about Teddy Bear. A part of me says, do it. Send the letter and get her fired. You’re the one that always bitches about how you can’t fight back against those who’ve fucked with you, yet here’s your chance.

However, I don’t want to get her fired which I can’t imagine being the case anyway. I just want her to know how I feel, even if it won’t change a thing.

A part of me still longs for her, as crazy as it may sound. Meaning, as much as I’ve come to dislike her for what she’s done to me and probably countless others, I’d probably be dumb enough to see her if she suddenly wanted to, though I know she never will.

I just can’t believe how wrong I was about her! I never would’ve thought in a million years I’d be just a game to her and that she’d be such a liar. She should go to bars if she wants to tell people she’ll see them that she knows she won’t. Meanwhile, if she’s got to flirt, can’t she do it without leading people on and making false promises?

There I was thinking she was the relationship type but had I met her under other circumstances and ended up getting together with her, it would’ve turned out to be nothing more than a one-night stand.

Even though it’s against my better judgment since kilns are simple with just a heating coil and since I’ve never had an oven break, I’ll get the damn kiln. One serious problem, though, and it’s gone. I’m not going against God and trying to do things he doesn’t want me to do only to end up punished for it.

Tom did the right thing by fighting to get our house payments lowered, but I still worry about what might happen to us for it. Remember, all it took was for me to look Jewish and lodge a city complaint to get thrown in jail. Along with being dumb enough to touch something a pig handed me. If prints could be moved/copied, I’d never send the Halloween letter, but I sent Tom a pretty Webshots postcard and asked him a few questions about it anyway. That way he can read it at his leisure. I asked if he thought it could get her fired and if he thought anything could happen to me for it, and if so, what. He’s even more cautious and paranoid than I am, so he may tell me something could happen.

Yeah, something could happen to me just for breathing. Nonetheless, I’ll take till Halloween to think about it and decide: do I take my chances and say what I’ve got to say? Or do I keep my mouth shut based on what-ifs?

Later…

I really hope the dolls are there by tomorrow as I just went to check to see if they’re still selling (they are) and there was a notice from the owner of that site/store saying that her mom died, so she’ll get to pending orders ASAP.

Later…

The good news is that the drainpipes are now screened off. There were 3 of them. One in the small bath and two in the big bath. Since we don’t know if anything is living in the part of the pipe between the water and the opening, we’re going to keep the drains blocked in here for about a week, giving whatever may be in there time to starve off.

The bad news is that he’s completely stumped with the truck. He knows what the problem is, but can’t find it. And something’s not trying to get in our way? Right!

At least there’s more good news. I downloaded a really cool program that lets you make your own word-find puzzles. I had something like this back in the old house and thought it’d be a really neat thing to share with Mary. I sent her a puzzle with names/words either one of us or both of us can relate to. If she likes it, I’ll send more, wherever she is.

I even printed out one for Tom with doll names, and one for his mom and Paula, too.

Kelly picked up my postcard yesterday but didn’t respond, so that tells me she doesn’t wish to be pen pals with me which is ok. Being pen pals with Mary is enough. I got some drafts from her today, but she still hasn’t answered my question about what else was going on with TB. I don’t know why she doesn’t always answer my questions. Doesn’t she scan through my letters when she responds to me? I just hope she’s getting all my letters. I worry about that when I don’t get answers to some of my questions.

My calves are a little sore still. I didn’t realize just how little the pedaling was doing for me. Jogging, as boring as it is, really does work the muscles and the heart more. So, losing the pedals was no biggie after all. Just the $70 we’re out, but you know God loves to see us lose money! He’s probably up there right now trying to figure out how to break me. It seems I have had all kinds of interruptions and interference over the last few years of working out. Especially since we got the Bowflex. What? Does he want me to sit on my ass and get gigantic? Well, I ain’t no skinny-mini. I’m still a pretty plump girl even though I’m now down to 125. That’s mainly cuz of yesterday’s water pill. Of course, I won’t shit today either.

So I’ve lost 8 pounds in 7 weeks. I don’t think I can get down to 105-110, but maybe to 115-120, though I still doubt it. It’d still be nice if I could drop under 125 at least a little as that’s when I really start seeing a difference in how I look and feeling a difference, too. It’s easier to get around under 125. I’m more flexible.

No nocturnal nightmares so far tonight. I’m sure they’re just outside the door, though, screaming, “Let us in! We know you’re alone in there!”

Got my shipment confirmation, so that’s good. They were shipped yesterday morning. From where I don’t know, but priority mail is supposed to be 2-3 days anywhere in the US, so it doesn’t matter. Hopefully, they’ll arrive without a problem.

Tom got his tools and installed my new mouse. It’s way better. The only thing I don’t like is the bumpy roller wheel. I can certainly live with it, though, as opposed to the jerky junk I was using before.

Soon, I’ll get Mary’s draft out of the way so I can give Kate my undivided attention.

Later…

Guess I’ll bitch about the latest thing of ours to break till the dogs come to bark over the pipes.

The fucking CD player in my MP3 station’s now broken! The biggest non-believer of curses in the world couldn’t deny we have a breakage curse on us. Tom has another one he can install, but this is fucking ridiculous. He said that at least we have the money to buy all this stuff, but what’s the point? Why have money to buy stuff that’s just going to break? There’s no way I’m getting a kiln with the way our shit breaks. I even wanted to forget about the recorder, but Tom said we’d only be out $15 if that broke. Perhaps I’ll get that, but no kiln. Besides, making dolls is such a hard, complicated thing. That’s why they’re so expensive. I don’t think I could learn all there is to learn to be a good dollmaker.

Speaking of complicated, I’m not watching this damn TV anymore either. Not with the way he’s got it set up. I expected it to be better and easier, but instead it’s enormously complicated and there’s always a problem. TV is no big deal to me, though, like music, writing and reading are, so it’s no big loss. He said we could rent DVDs and that he’d make a Dead Zone and Charlie’s Angels library for me to create stills out of, and that’s fine. As long as he’s the one dealing with it and not me.

Got up at 9:30 PM, about two hours before I’d have liked to, and my day has not been off to a great start. If there’s one area in psychism I’m just about 100% accurate with, it’s sensing the spiders. The moment I got up and stepped out of the bedroom, I had that all-too-familiar sinking sensation in the pit of my stomach, telling me a nocturnal nightmare awaited me somewhere within this 2,100-square-foot house. I figured, why shouldn’t there be? I’m alone, after all.

I checked my bath. Nothing. I checked the kitchen, another favorite place for the damn things to hang out. Nothing. That left one more hot spot, though I wasn’t awake enough yet to think about it. Instead, I had my coffee, fed the animals, fired up my PC – the usual things I do upon waking up.

An hour later it was shower time. I stepped into the stall in the small bath, looked up at the ceiling, and there it was, my nighttime terrorist. I flew out of the shower stall and ran for the Raid. I sprayed at it, but it was useless. It was too high up and I was too short. Noticing the thing was barely a foot from being over the shower stall, I decided to grab the broom and try my best to swat it into the shower and I did, only I couldn’t see it! I beat the broom hoping it was just hung up on it, reached in and turned on the hot water. Still no spider. Even if it was curled up, I knew I should see something that big. Then I spotted it on the sunken ledge by his shampoo, stepped in, yanked the shower massage off the hook and scalded it down the drain.

I am so sick of these terrifying creatures! It isn’t just that they’re so big in diameter that scares the shit out of me, it’s their thickness as well. Assuming that they are coming up through the drains, I’m now going to get us both in the habit of keeping all the drains plugged when we’re not using them, except for the kitchen and washer. I’ve got upside-down saucers blocking the showers and stoppers plugging up the bathroom sinks and tub.

I just hope to hell they’re not coming up through the vents. I wish Tom could get up on the roof and put screens over the drainpipes and under or over the vents! Better yet, I wish he could just shove the whole house inside a giant Ziploc bag!

I’ve seen bigger than this one which was a little over an inch in diameter, but its fat body and legs were enough to make my heart jump so fast that if it could move, it would have been all the way back in Phoenix by the time I got the thing down the drain. And of course, now I’m all willied out. I have the creeps for the remainder of the day after spotting one of these things. I see them everywhere. On the walls, on the ceilings, in the cabinets, on the dolls, in the fridge, in the microwave.

I swear I will never have under-the-house ductwork again! If we don’t get rich off this place by the time he’s 55, then I just may very well be ready to go to a retirement community and listen to granny’s yipping poodle to the left, and grandpa’s screaming grandkids to the right. Better that than these terrifying creatures. Hell, I’d rather the old welfare bum pull up alongside the house with its bass thumping wildly, cuz then all I’d have to do is go out and break its neck like I should’ve nearly 7 years ago.

To make matters worse, my calves are on fire today after yesterday’s 5-song jogging spree (this tells me the pedals weren’t working my calves as hard as I thought they were) and all while I couldn’t find the thing, I’m jogging for fear of it taking me by surprise and running over my foot. Now my calves will be sore for a year!

We’re going to report first thing, then hit Walmart and Office Max. The cylinder head came yesterday after I went to bed (I never heard a thing, although he could’ve flown outside before the driver got a chance to knock), so Tom needs to get oil and other things.

My story’s going well, though I don’t know how far I’ll take it. I’m just writing whatever I feel like writing like Mary does. I started off with anonymous narration, but that was too hard cuz of the years of doing journals. I just couldn’t break the I, me, we, us, our habit, so I’m doing it in the first person.

Later…

Poor Tom. He got in at 4:30, and thanks to the blacks, he can only sleep till 7:15 (we’re leaving at 7:30). Someday. Someday the blacks won’t own us and dictate when we sleep, where we go, etc. I’m going to be pretty beat myself when we get in, thanks to them, as I’ll have been up for quite a while by then.

I toyed with the idea of telling the cheeks to tell his little friends at the courthouse that if I hear so much as one more word pertaining to this shit after 10/30, I’ll file the biggest lawsuit imaginable, hoping it would cause the arrogant corruptos to rise to the bait so I could catch them in their own fuck-ups now that I know the laws, and end up really rich. However, I’d really rather not play any more games after 10/30 with this state unless they force me to. I need to get on with my life, even if that means getting on to new problems as well. Besides, like most people, I don’t threaten, I just do. Anyone with half a brain knows that 90% of those who make threats of whatever kind are just blowing off steam. Those with true intentions almost always act without warning. I don’t need to make threats or give this state an ultimatum. Instead, I’ll let the ball be in their “court.” If they mean it this time about dropping it on 10/30, so will I. If not, I’ll either fight back the right way this time and win, or I’ll run and not give them the time of day.

I asked Tom, and he said going up on the roof, screening off and clamping the drainpipes should be no problem. It’ll be his first time up there. Better for this than to replace an old roof!

Not that I’d change my ways if they could, but I sometimes wonder if the renters can hear my music blasting at night. They gotta have single-paned windows in that old junker they live in. If they can hear it, they’re not reacting like most Arizonans would. See, in the East, you complain about your neighbor’s loud music. Here, you just turn yours up louder.

I got a letter from Mary with a draft she said to try not to have a hernia over (I haven’t gone over it yet) and let me know she’d pass any messages I may have for Teddy Bear to this DO (she doesn’t think I know her) to give to her. I told her thanks, but no thanks. If I sent in my letter for her to give Johnson, she may not do so. I want to send the letter directly to her so I can know for sure she gets it. As I asked Mary, though, how’s this DO in contact so often with Johnson if they’re working in different jails? Are they friends? Lovers? What?

I started getting cold feet about the letter idea, and told myself, don’t send this letter. Complaining is what got you in so much trouble in the first place, and this was complaining about someone who knew a pig. Now you want to take your complaint directly to a pig? You could be setting yourself up for your next long-term problem!

Now I’m not sure what to do. Do I take my chances with an officer already known to do what I’ll be talking about in my letter and who’s the same color, or do I continue to let it go?

They can’t transfer my prints; that much I do know. She couldn’t set me up by lifting my prints off the letter, smashing a window in her place, moving or copying my prints to the window casing, and then claiming I broke in.

And what if I get her fired? A part of me still worries about that. I don’t want to trash her life for doing what she did to me, not that she couldn’t get work elsewhere, even if she might not like it as much or get as much money. She broke my heart, not every bone in my body. On the other hand, I know better. County and government workers and very hard to get fired. She may be questioned, but that’s about as far as it’ll go, and no, I can’t imagine her coming and shooting me for it. Of course, I also couldn’t imagine her being a lying flirt, either.

Gosh, I just don’t know what to do! I shouldn’t worry about it right now, though. I mean, I’ve got 8 months to decide. All I know is that if I do anything, I want myself off probation and Mary out of that jail. She may be a heartbreaking flirt, but she’s not stupid. She’s going to know I got my info from Mary, and although she may never return to Estrella, I want Mary out of there first. Just one trip to Madison for a court appearance or hearing with Johnson on duty – well – you just never know what could happen to an Ad-Seg girl all alone, so I have to think of protecting Mary and not just myself.

I began my little story, and no, Teddy Bear isn’t my costar! I decided to use Kate. I’ve got about 7 pages done. I’m doing it by dates instead of chapters. Mary’s writing style has greatly inspired me to become a better writer. Now just let my punctuation keep on inspiring her and we’ll be even, I told her! To hell with worrying about spelling. The PC fixes that. Although its subject matter may be rather odd, I’d say it’s pretty well-written. As I said, Mary helped with that by showing me other writing styles.

Later…

Still no shipment confirmation, but the day isn’t over yet. Hopefully, they’ll still be shipped today, but I won’t count on it.

Scot wasn’t in today. Instead, I was seen by the same lady who got the honor of watching me pee. She seemed so nice. I’ll bet most of them are friendlier than Scot. Scot’s a pretty serious dude, though he’s improved with time. Maybe that’s cuz we’ve known each other for so long now.

When this lady asked if I was working and I told her I was a homemaker, she said, “Oh, so you do work,” I wanted to hug her. She agrees that too many people think all we do is sit on our asses and do nothing.

After reporting we went to Walmart where we got screens and pipe clamps for the drainpipes, among other truck-related items.

While he was gathering up this stuff, I did some shopping of my own. I bought shoes for Chris, but the damn things are too small. It figures, too. See, there are infant, toddler and children’s shoes, and I got infant-size when I should’ve gotten toddler. Makes me all the gladder we don’t have kids! What a bitch shopping for them would’ve been, and by the time you do figure it out, they’ve outgrown whatever it is you got them. Anyway, they were only $2, and I’m sure I’ll have some doll at some point that can wear them. They’re pink and black slightly stretchy sneakers. They have no ties or clasps of any kind. The feet just slip right into them.

While they had a surprisingly lousy selection of slippers and no sundresses, they sure had a lot of other summery clothes. They had some awesome shiny swimsuits too, but I’ll wait till we get the inflatable pool.

Instead, I got new underwear which I’ve been needing for quite a while. From the clearance section, I got a matching black bra and panty set with round colorful shiny sequin-like things on them, and then I got a shiny green pair of panties. Then I grabbed a 5-pack of string bikinis in white, yellow, blue, pink and purple, so I’ll be set in the panty department for a while.

At Office Max, they didn’t have any keyboards with built-in mice which we want for the TV. We also want to build a cabinet to put the keyboard, computer and monitor in.

I got a new mouse for my computer cuz the one I’ve been using really sucks. It has lousy control, and its side-clicker, which I have set to double-click, is fucked up. It either only clicks once or sometimes it clicks too much. This mouse has scrolling wheels and programmable buttons so I can choose what command I want to use them for. It’s a nice one and fits in my hand perfectly. It’s an optical mouse that uses no roller ball for better control. That’s why the thing was $50. Or was it $60? Either way, it was worth the money. I have very long fingers, but tiny hands, so it’s not always easy to find a mouse that feels comfortable in my hand. The mouse I use for my MP3 station is actually a child’s mouse.

We also looked at digital and old-fashioned little handheld recorders. After deciding that I have enough complicated modern technology to learn these days, I figured I’d settle for the old-fashioned kind. I didn’t get one today because we can get them cheaper elsewhere. The kind with microcassettes would suit my needs just fine anyway. All I need is a play, rewind, fast-forward, record, and stop button, as I told Tom. I only want it for leaving notes for journals, letters, or stories when my computer is turned off. I don’t need anything that will play select notes, since I plan to type in all the notes I speak in, the next time my computer’s on, then rewind the tape and start over.

“But this one will let you talk for 105 minutes for $10 more,” Tom said as we were browsing through them, and I was like, “How many notes can I possibly have, Tom? I’m not going to get into a whole conversation with myself. It’s just to grab it off the nightstand as I’m falling asleep and happen to remember something, then say something like "Remember to tell Mary to ditch Teddy Bear’s letter so I can play it back when I wake up and fire up my PC.”

Anyway, a simple one is all I need. Besides, the simpler things we buy, the simpler it’ll be to fix when they break. Getting an intricately designed pair of pedals makes for quite a nightmare to fix. I still don’t believe he’s going to be able to fix them, but that’s ok, jogging won’t kill me. It might even be better for me and give me more muscle and endurance as long as I don’t put too much of a bounce in it. I’m not going to drag my feet, but I’m not going to lift them all that high either. Not more than 2-3 inches. The most important thing anyway is elevating my heartbeat for a while to help keep my weight stable, even if I can never lose anymore.

After we got in and Tom crashed, the barking began. Knowing it was about the pipes, I ran out front and shooed off next door’s beast. Tom’s sleep was more important than any poor loser with sensitive eggshell-like feelings, though if anyone saw me run the damn thing off, I wouldn’t know it. I would still prefer it if I wasn’t seen, knowing how people are out here, cuz once we got the fence, they’d probably take a wire-cutter, snip an opening and shove their dogs through it just to get at me! Westerners can be so sensitive and so spiteful.

I know now why there were so few strays in Phoenix as opposed to back east. It was because of the strict laws out here. Also, most dogs out here aren’t cooped up in houses all day and night. They’re left to live outdoors so they can bother their neighbors. Here in Maricopa, I wonder – does anyone care? Does anyone give a damn about their dogs? Would they care if a snake bites them when they’re active? Would they care if someone shot them? Somehow I doubt they’d even notice they were missing, and if they did they’d have a new dog to replace it the next day, which, of course, would never enter the house.

Anyway, once we enter March I’ll be able to vibe whether or not the fences will be here that month, even if they’re not completely up, just like I did when it turned February. I had no fence vibes at all. I had fence vibes for the first week of March, but they’re fading. It’s like something wants to torture me with other people’s dogs!

I had Tom delete the voice recognition program. It was fun to play around with it just to do something different, but it was hit or miss. I used it for part of Mary’s letter, leaving in all its mistakes just so Mary could have a good laugh. I said, “If Teddy Bear gets in trouble for my letter, I don’t give a shit,” but it came out as “I don’t give a share.” This is true, too. I mean, perhaps there’d be a little guilt, but not much. It takes an awful lot to win me as a friend or more, but only a second to lose me. After the shit she’s pulled and the emotional pain I suffered on account of her, it’s just like with my family; I no longer care either way what happens to her. If my letter happens to get her fired, although I doubt it will, so be it. Just like I’d tell the blacks who claimed that my complaints got them evicted; they all should’ve thought about the possible consequences of their actions before they acted.

We talked about it, and as soon as the money’s available, we’re going to get me a twin-size waterbed, since waterbeds are my favorite, and this air mattress really sucks with its worn-out foam at the sides. Then, we’ll roll Tom’s plain double bed into the master bedroom. Both beds will fit side by side in that room easily enough. Lastly, we’ll roll the old airbed into the guest room.

Tom knows and understands that it’s not going to be so easy for me to adapt to someone else sleeping in the same room, as light of a sleeper as I am. Especially when I’m not forced to do so. In jail, it was different as I had no choice, thanks to the blacks who put me there. If only he didn’t snore so much, it’d be a lot easier. But because of that, if I’ve got an important appointment coming up or am overtired, he’ll have to sleep in the guest room. I’m not overly thrilled at the idea of doing this simply because I like my space and to sleep alone and that’s what I’m used to, light sleeper or not, but because I love him, I want to give it a try. It’s not like I’m locked into anything. If I want to be alone, I can always ask him to sleep in the guest room.

Surprisingly, I woke up at 126 lbs.

Another suspicion this thing with Johnson confirms is my belief that yes, she’d have gone further if given the time and opportunity. Had I been there just a little longer, I’m virtually certain she’d have made a move on me, if only just to kiss me. Just not with Misha around. No, she’d prefer to kiss someone in front of 130 others, not just one facing the wall with a blanket over her head.

I’m not going to lie, though. I still sometimes see her in my mind’s eye and long for her, wishing she’d kept her word about seeing me and not turned out to be like a typical male who’s got to play the field.

Kelly hasn’t picked up the postcard I sent which means she probably hasn’t gotten my response to her email either, which means that she might not like me that much after all. She may still consider me to be one of her nice-looking patients, but I know that if I liked someone, I’d check my mail more often. So, that answers my question about her, you could say.

I started my Kate story. To keep it geared more towards fantasy, I’ve omitted Tom altogether, but I kept Mary in the picture so she could watch my apartment while I’m in this hotel-like jail.

Stories are fun, because, unlike with real life where you pretty much go with the flow, you’re in the driver’s seat in the story. You control its destiny.

I did my jogging earlier. I figured low-impact jogging to about 5 songs a day would be sufficient to keep any weight off that I’ve lost and may continue to lose. Later I’ll do some exercises, particularly my abs.

Tom loaded some voice recognition software for me to use. It isn’t perfect, but it is nice to have anyway. I have to speak my punctuation so it knows where to put it. It puts two spaces between sentences. Now I will go do some of Mary’s drafts and see if it helps with that by making it go faster.

It’s warmed up a bit out there since the heat never went on last night. The morning’s fog was like – wow! I looked outside at 8 AM, an hour before I went to bed, and could barely see Meadow Green or even Ralston. When I looked in back, the middle rental was barely visible and the furthest one was completely invisible.

I received an order confirmation from the site where I ordered the nudes. Both dolls will come to $67 with shipping and handling included. Not bad for top-of-the-line fashion dolls such as Alex and Eve. She says she plans to ship on Wednesday and will email to confirm it. They’ll be shipped by priority mail which is way more reliable, but as fate would have it, they’ll probably arrive Saturday which means I’ll have to wait till Monday to get them. How I wish we had mail service out here! You’d think we’re getting closer with the way it’s building up out here.

This coming week we’re also expecting the cylinder and a toolkit via UPS that Tom got with bonus points from work. Last time around he chose one of their yearly planners.

At some point over the next few days, he’ll be installing a voice recognition program on my PC. Because my PC’s faster now, it may work well enough and make doing Mary’s drafts even faster till the thing breaks. Especially when I have so much stuff. I got a good chunk of it done yesterday, though, and currently have about 30 more pages to go. Once that’s done I’ll get on with a project that both Mary and a dream inspired me to do. I’m going to write the book that Andy and I talked about because I know it can’t possibly be jinxed into coming true what with all I know today about our corrupt laws. I know too much now to be tricked and manipulated like I was before.

It’ll be part reality, but mostly fantasy, and no, Johnson won’t be my costar. I decided on Kate Jackson as my object of lust and ultimately love. The jail we’ll meet in will be totally unlike any jail that could exist in reality. For the most part, anyway. It’ll be based on the one I saw in my dream.

Anyway, it’s nice to know we can afford all this stuff we got, but I’m a little overwhelmed right now as I feel like I have so much to learn! First about the TV/computer setup, then maybe, just maybe, dollmaking. I’ll probably end up learning more this year than in the last 5 combined. Only difference is, instead of learning about corrupt laws and how to trim my bangs with nail clippers, I’ll be learning more technology-related stuff.

Later…

Well, that explains why I thought the Alex doll I’m getting looked a little different than the other Alex dolls. It’s not Alex. It’s her friend Paris.

Got another few pages of drafts from Mary, but no bear additions. I’m way behind on her stuff cuz of all the other things I’ve been doing, and yesterday was spent mostly writing up the bear.

Earlier Tom and I ordered the Alex and Eve nude fashion dolls. Now all we have to do is hope we don’t get ripped off. If they ship them Tuesday, though I’m sure there’ll be some problem/delay, I should have them Friday.

Tom also moved my music folder to the D drive, so now I use the C drive for text and graphics and the D drive for music. A, of course, is my floppy drive and E is the CD player/burner.

Tom and I both agree the one thing we don’t like as much about the new computers is that their fans are louder. However, it helps to curb problems that could occur, even if our stuff likes to break anyway.

In case I didn’t already mention it, Tom sent me a really cute animated Valentine’s card with cat pictures. I emailed him a card too, though it wasn’t animated. It was a polar bear with a rose in its mouth.

Tom says that by the end of the weekend, the new TV setup is going to be easy. He said something about setting it up to change channels with the satellite and doing all the changes on the computer. Whatever, I told him. As long as it’s not going to take me a year to learn to record/edit things, though I’m going to do the editing from my computer.

Right now he’s working on the pedals. He said it was just a matter of throwing some epoxy on the piece that broke inside. He thinks one of the pulleys that drives one of the belts is what broke.

Before I get into the main highlights of Mary’s mail, she asked if I heard or seen on the news how Justin claimed he was hypnotized. No, but I’m sure I’ll hear all about it in her drafts. That’s a good one, too. What will the sick fuck think of next? Will he claim he was abducted by aliens that forced him to kill Gretchen?

She says she’s to attend court on the 28th, then leave for Florida the first week of March, but I’m sure there’ll be some new delay to add to the already very long list.

Anyway, Mary’s confirmed my top suspicion about Teddy Bear. She’s been quite a little slut, actually. She wrote: Teddy Bear news flash: She was moved to Madison because there were too many rumors that she flirts, among other things, with girls in the large dorms. At Madison, Teddy Bear gets mail all the time from girls. The sergeants constantly question her, but her exact words are, “I don’t know why inmates write me.” So Jodi, my opinion is she’s just as fucked up as Todd. Excuse my language, but these things piss me off. Anyway, that’s all I know about her, but it was enough to make my ears red. Your name, by the way, never came up.

I don’t care if my name came up. Mary can shout to the whole damn jail that she led me on and dropped me like a hot potato. I just don’t care anymore who knows what. I’ve done nothing wrong, nor do I bear any shame or guilt. I have no pity for TB and have lost all respect and admiration I once felt for her.

As I told her, if she hasn’t given anyone my old letter to give to Teddy Bear, don’t. Just ditch it, cuz I plan on contacting her directly which I’ll get into later.

I expressed my gratitude and love for her, for if not for her I’d still be asking myself the same questions today. Perhaps God’s answered more prayers of mine than I’ve given him credit for. After all, I wanted answers and now I have them, even if they’re almost a year late. That’s okay, though, as I didn’t think I’d ever get them at all. Better late than never.

I do have some questions for her, though. First question, who’s she getting her info from? Is it Chavez? Don’t answer any questions you don’t feel like answering while you’re still there, I told her, though I don’t see how anyone could know anything she tells me. My second question is, if she was transferred around Oct. of ‘01, then why is she still being investigated? Thirdly, she said she was flirting, “among other things.” What are the other things?

Her letter brought a slew of emotions, that’s for sure. Naturally, I was hurt. I was also pissed, feeling like the “woman scorned.” And I even found some humor in this pitiful excuse of an officer. Today’s Valentine’s Day. Think the happy little slut got all kinds of valentines in the mail? Ha, ha, ha! Yeah, I’ll bet you did, big girl.

I even sent Tom a Webshots postcard of a pig and wrote: A pig is a pig is a pig… they’re all shit!

I laughed, I cried, and I cussed her out royally! Felt so good to do so, too!

The part that burned me up the most was where she supposedly said she doesn’t know why inmates write her. She doesn’t know? She doesn’t know! My ass she doesn’t know! Well, come 8½ months from now (257 days) I shall personally refresh her memory and let her know that perhaps they write her cuz she leads them on and even tells them they can do so. I’ll remind her about the mice she wanted bred for her, the things we said we’d do, etc., and I promised Mary she’d get her very own copy and that I’ll never mention hers or any other DO’s name.

What’s scary is how wrong I was about her. You think you know someone – then – surprise, surprise. Normally, I’m an excellent judge of character. Give me a dozen people and I’ll have their overall personality figured out in a matter of minutes and I’ll only be wrong on one or two of them.

She didn’t blow me off cuz she loved me too much to see me with a man at my side. Nor did she meet anyone else (at least I doubt she did). She blew me off cuz she wanted to continue right on playing the field. She’s probably never involved in a serious relationship. She’s too much of a “typical male.” Just a man in a woman’s body. Why get serious when she knows she can have a huge variety at her fingertips? At least she could for a while there. How could I have been so stupid as far as she’s concerned? She is as fucked up as Todd.

Now I know why she told me to wait a year before sending the letter. As soon as she told me this, it just sounded rather off to me. I asked myself why hadn’t I heard of any such policy (which I’m sure never existed) and why would she wait a year if she really liked me. I mean, how was the jail going to know we were seeing each other? The real reason she told me to wait was that she knew she was going to blow me off and she was hoping that I’d forget about her by then.

I don’t regret the good times we had together, but damn that girl! The only sincere thing about her was her attraction to me (people don’t normally flirt with those they’re not attracted to), but as soon as that cell door clanged shut and she went home for the night, my feelings for her lived on while I ceased to exist in her mind. No, she was no doubt thinking of all the other girls she could play with when she wasn’t in M Dorm. She probably had a designated pet in each dorm/tower. What I don’t get is why she was hesitant to talk to me with Misha around, just one person but ok with flirting in a dorm filled with 130 women? That’s dumb. Incredibly dumb! I thought I was her special one when in fact I was merely her M Dorm specialty.

I decided to tell Mary about the surprise I added to her Moon/Venus sexual saga and enclosed it in my letter to her. I took it out of her story (it’s her story anyway) and pasted it in here. It’s still cleverly written despite the asshole we know the whore is. Hell, I’d still be turned on, no doubt, if she were to walk by me, particularly in uniform. I’d just know not to buy anything she’d say like I should’ve known better in the first place. Since when have I ever been able to trust anyone in law enforcement anyway? Pérez is probably the only kosher one there. So many damn corruptomaniacs in that field!

And I referred to her as Phoenix’s Finest? Oh, please! And I thought she was oh so “professional?” What kind of professional does what she did to me and no doubt to many others? Yeah, she’s some pro, huh?

Speaking of Phoenix’s Finest, you know, I think I might’ve referred to her as that in my letter to her. I always did wonder if my letter may’ve sparked the interest of others, making them wonder just went on between us, and now I see that it undoubtedly did! It’s kind of a funny thought, though. That sergeant must’ve really been like, “Why is this person talking about you visiting and breeding your favorite mice? Hell, she’s even got 32 mice for you to choose from! Just what did you say to her?”

I always suspected, and I know I’ve written this, that she may’ve had a long trail of happy admirers. Again, this is every gay/bi woman’s dream woman. Perhaps they should have a special bin set up at Madison just for her little followers saying: Johnson fan mail goes here. Either way, I got new names for her as far as our little name-guessing game was concerned and they don’t begin with an R!

You know, I wonder if anyone who opened my mail to Mary might’ve spotted anything I wrote about her that was brought to attention, not that I care if they did. Or maybe not, since I almost always refer to her as Teddy Bear.

I’ve always wanted her to know just how much she hurt me. Maybe even more than I wanted to know why she blew me off. So, I decided to hell with this Jodi-cannot-speak-her-mind-or-fight-back trip. From now on I’m going to take a stand for myself, fight for what’s right, and speak my mind as often as I need to. Naturally, there’ll be no swears or threats. It’s like with Tom and the way he bitched to the bank. He didn’t expect it to change anything (although it did for the better), but he wanted to let them know he was fed up, not going to take any more, and basically expose them for what they are. Well, that’s what I intend to do with TB, but not until after my probation ends. So Teddy Bear will be in for a trick rather than a treat come Halloween. If I can wait a year to send the first letter, I can wait 8½ to send the second and last letter. I’m virtually certain nothing could happen to me if I sent the letter on or off probation, but I’m going to wait anyway, assuming she’s still an officer, which I think she will be. They may warn them, transfer them, whatever, but they all protect their own. Nonetheless, she’s a marked officer, so to speak. Her superiors are well aware of her behavior, so I don’t see how I could get in trouble for giving her a piece of my mind. If, on the other hand, I accused the cheeks of some kind of no-no, a guy sporting a PO of the Year award who probably doesn’t have these rumors and fan mail hanging over his head, no one would believe me.

I’ve thought it through and made up my mind that I need to do this. I feel I owe it to myself. I never got to have any say with all the other shit I’ve been through over the last few years, and now it’s my turn to speak out. I don’t want to “get her,” which I’ll let her know, and I don’t want to see her get in any trouble, but I do intend to let her know that I was a human being she played with, not a toy. She needs a little lecture on her poor conduct from one of her vics and not just sergeants.

I asked myself, could she come after me? I highly doubt it. I mean, they could push for a probation extension just for the hell of it, but I highly doubt that, too. Coming and either beating me up or doing something to the house is a far cry from leading me on, then ignoring me as if I never existed. It’s a pig I’ll be talking back to, but I honestly can’t see it coming back to harm me in any way. We’re both the same color and this is a totally different situation than that of the blacks and their shit. I told Tom what I planned to do and he didn’t object, and if anyone would’ve objected if he were that worried, it’d be him. He’s usually more cautious/paranoid than I am, and I don’t trust nothing or nobody! Besides, if any harm did come to me, the people at the jail would know exactly who to pick up.

First I was hurt over what she did to me, but now I’m angry, especially after learning for sure that there are other victims of her games, which in a sense, is what’s inspiring me to “go forward,” so to speak. Like a rape victim who keeps silent till others come forward, I shall let her know (which will also be letting the sergeants know) that I hope she thinks about what she’s done and not make the same mistakes in the future. Of course, I won’t name names, like Mary’s. Nor will I tell her stuff like how Palma and Pérez liked me too, but never led me on like she did. I also won’t tell her that if I was called upon to testify as to what she’s all about, I will, even if I’d rather not. I’m also considering sending two copies as I want to ensure that both the sergeant and Teddy Bear – no Johnson – read just what I’ve got to say, and hopefully, the sergeant will put a copy in her file.

It’s hard to believe the bear was moved on just rumors alone if that’s really the case. Makes me wonder if perhaps one of the ladies in the dorm was a little piggy herself. Whether or not it’s done in a manipulative way or not, you need proof. I wouldn’t want to, but I couldn’t, for ex., take her to court for playing with my head like she did. I have no proof and it’s not like she could be charged with felony head games. All she has to do is play dumb like it appears she’s been doing. Selective amnesia is easy and convenient. Thinking some more about it, I’m not worried about the Halloween letter. True, one can’t always know how others are going to react to the things we say/do, but I’ve come to realize with time that we can’t spend our lives worrying too much about the ‘what ifs’ or else we’ll never do/accomplish anything. All we can do is use our best judgment and try not to do anything too stupid.

She ought to break the law, get caught, and be thrown in jail. That way she could have all the women she wants.

Another thing is that I had said she wasn’t responsible for anyone writing to her, but in a sense she is responsible.

I am now just so glad that married or not, we never did meet after all. Boy, do I take back saying that if Tom and I hadn’t been destined to meet, I’d hope she and I would. I mean, what would be the point? She’d only have been whoring around on the side.

Later…

The tan frog is much bigger than the other two brown ones, for some reason. They all hang out in the open more, but they don’t swim around.

Because I woke up a couple of hours too early, for no apparent reason, I’m kind of beat today. Tom said he was surprised the loud fighter jets that flew low over the house didn’t wake me up a few hours before I got up. Maybe because I’m sleeping with the fan on higher, that’s what saved me. If there isn’t music, there’s thunder, hunters, dogs, ATVs, and sonic booms.

In fact, I’m too tired to write any more at the moment. I’ll be back later.

I am so fucking pissed right now! Now my pedals are broken, too! Everything of ours just has to break. Everything! It never fucking ends. I told him not to bother sending them back for a new one cuz that would just break, too.

“You gonna just throw the money away?” he asked.

Yup. That’s all we ever do anyway is lose money, so why not? And I’m not getting an 80-pound kiln for hundreds of dollars that’s just going to break, too. I’ll save up and buy the dolls I want outright. The fewer mechanical things I have to depend on, the better. I’m going to go back to jogging. If God wants to stop me from this too, then he’s going to have to break me. I’m just so fucking sick of this shit, though. This is not normal. No one’s shit breaks like ours.

Mary’s torturing me by keeping me in suspense about Teddy Bear. She never mentioned a word about her in her letter. All she said was to let her know if I heard anything about Monster and about her new lipstick. I wish she’d give me what she has so far, then, later on, she can add to it as she learns more. I wanna know something!

Later…

I’m still utterly furious about the broken pedals. I know something’s cursing our stuff and I just wish it would leave us alone!

I sent Kelly a postcard from Webshots, letting her know how she can do this too, if she wants, without being a member. Still haven’t heard back from her.

One of the nude dolls on sale that I want to get this week went up $5 when it was moved to a different section of the site. I emailed them asking why, and if the dolls I want are poseable (I think they are, though), but most people don’t respond to their email, we’ll see.

It’s been a very rainy day. It was the darkest 3 PM I’d ever seen! Like 7:30 in the morning. Thunder woke me up a couple of hours before I’d have liked to have gotten up. I’ve got to start sleeping with the fan on high regularly. It’s just that I haven’t wanted to. Especially at this time of year, so maybe I’ll just let myself get woken up periodically. It’s not like it happens every day. I’ll just sleep with it on high till the weather clears up.

It was really cool to look out back and see the mountaintops sticking up through the clouds.

I’m working on a “visualization” thing for Mary that I assume she got from some psychology book. Again, I agree with some of the ideas/beliefs it mentions and some I don’t. They talk about clearing your mind and thinking of absolutely nothing for a short period of time, but to me, that’d be like trying to breathe under water. I couldn’t blank my mind for even a second!

I can totally relate to the “movies of the mind” it talks about. I play movies in my mind all the time. Most of them are rather X-rated, but I’m really damn good at mind movies, nonetheless.

I don’t believe, however, that these movies can influence the outcome of things. I believe God’s written our scripts from start to finish and that most things are a matter of fate and not what we want, think or do. In other words, why should I bother to pray to live if some psycho suddenly pointed a gun at me? God’s already made up his mind to do whatever it is he’s going to do and no amount of prayer would change destiny. If it were my time to go, he wouldn’t listen to a thing I had to say anyway.

I also see nothing wrong with placing blame either ourselves or on those who’ve wronged us, so long as it’s truly deserved.

To say that the events in our lives are a direct result of our inner images; come on, that’s ridiculous. No one sits and envisions themselves having lives filled with emotional and physical abuse and all kinds of other hardships, so to say that they made their lives that way by thinking and picturing it is insane. Did Mary cause her daughter’s death by imagining it happening? Of course not! Can I close my eyes, picture myself rich and thin and become that? No, of course not. My body and my life belong to God.

I can see how a lot of people would want to believe we have more control over our lives than we really do, though. I mean, I talk of how thinking about writing the book about the framed girl in jail who falls in love with her gay guard jinxing it to happen for real, and maybe it did, since I certainly can’t say that nothing we ever think or do affects our experiences.

So, to answer Mary’s question about what I think about the subject, no, I don’t buy most of it, but it makes for interesting reading. I’m always open to other ideas/beliefs/opinions, even if I may not always agree with them.

I do agree with the part that says it’s okay to think of ourselves. It talks about how so many people think that sacrificing our happiness for others is the way to go, and sometimes it is, but I agree with them when they say that the more we’re satisfied, the better company we can be towards others, but when we’re miserable, that tends to rub off on others. Perhaps this is why I could only attract people like Ron, Nervous, Fran, Brenda and Andy in the past, and not the Toms, Marys, Kellys, Pérez’s, and Teddy Bears, even if one of them blew me off in the end.

Some people might say my reasons for not wanting a child (not wanting the expense and responsibility and wanting to be able to have a life) are selfish of me but is it? I think it’s the other way around and that it’d be selfish of me to have a kid due to how I feel. I don’t think that’d be fair to the kid; to have it when my heart wasn’t in it. There are enough unwanted kids in this world as it is. In the end, though, as is always the case with me, it doesn’t matter what I want as God wouldn’t allow it anyway.

I think that it’s hard for most people to accept grim facts and that they want to do everything they can to believe that things are better than they actually are, even if part of that means believing they’ve got more say in their lives than they might really have. Me? It was harder for me to admit and address harsh facts when I was younger, but nowadays, I figure I might as well. There’s no sense in denying what appears obvious enough at least to me.

On the other hand, God doesn’t treat us equally. Perhaps Joe Shmoe up the road has more say in his life than I do, and perhaps Jane Doe down the road has less.

Partly due to Mary’s inspiration, and partly just because, I may get into writing some colorful X-rated stories of my own, but my fantasies may be more reality-based. Who knows, maybe I’ll write the book that may’ve jinxed me as I doubt it’ll jinx me twice if it ever really did once. I know things about the law now that I didn’t know before. No one’s ever going to be able to back me into a corner and get me into the position they got me in before, and no stranger, who doesn’t know me from shit, and who never was a firsthand witness to any events in my life, is ever going to don a black robe and sit in judgment of me again.

Tom was on the phone with the bank today. He’s fed up with all this overtime they’re stiffing him on, and I’m like, you finally put your foot down about that? Why does it take him so long to put his foot down when it comes to the bank ripping him off, or his mom using and ripping him off?

I swear God would just love us to death if we took a few hundred bucks each month and randomly left it on people’s doorsteps.

I still wish I could make dolls! Not to join the ranks of modern working women who get bashed for not working (Women will always be bashed for something. If not work, something else), but because I want to. Once again, though, God wants me working for others and not myself, which means he’d only throw all kinds of obstacles in my way. I’d only be buying a kiln that if it didn’t arrive broken, would only end up breaking a month or two later.

Meanwhile, I’ll start jogging tomorrow. I hate jogging, though, and it’s not good exercise at all. It’s too much of a kick to the heart and jarring to the knees and ankles.

Another thing I have to do is change my menu. I know everyone’s different, but eating small amounts 4-6 times a day is a killer for me. I’m starving all the time because I can’t fill up. After eating, I feel like I didn’t eat at all. No diet, whether it’s a diet to lose or maintain weight, is easy, but this is way harder on me. I’m going back to the one-large-meal, plus-two-snacks-a-day routine. I need to stuff myself at least once a day and have some sugar once a week, too. I’ll basically just live on chicken, fish, beef and popcorn, my favorite snack. Once a week I’ll get a candy bar or maybe even two.