This has certainly been a wet winter! This is the fourth rainy/cloudy day in a row. Even so, we managed to bomb yesterday, so I feel a lot better.

We didn’t think to pick up fencing supplies, but we did rent a handful of DVDs. We’re not sure yet if we’re going to rent from Blockbuster, get an online membership, or order HBO.

If Scot doesn’t show up within the next 4 hours, then we’ll have skipped yet another month. At this point, I still think August 8th was his last visit. I just wish I’d known it and known that the test would be as easy as it was, as it would’ve taken a lot of stress off of me, but it seems upstairs’ favorite pastime for me is to see me get all worked up and worried for nothing.

Got two letters from Mary yesterday. She basically said not to fret over Teddy Bear (oh, believe me, I’m not) and that she plans to speak out on Andrew’s behalf at the sentencing which is today. I’ll look online later on to see what I can find.

Also, my theory was right; it was Chavez filling Mary in on TB. I got a kick out of how she said she wished TB would be transferred back there so she could make her wish she’d never been born. I’m sure she would, too! Anyway, if there are more delays, I’ll send Teddy Bear’s letter in for Chavez to give to her, now that I know it’s Chavez, someone I got along with well enough and think I can trust. After all, she passed kites between me and that bitch Hope.

If not, Tom and I agreed to ask Mary if she could mail it for me. Tom said, “I agree with you. If they’re going to pull any more stunts, it’ll be right before or after the probation ends, so don’t give them any ammunition.”

Also, it’d be risky having Mary send it now as I’m not supposed to associate with her. This is why we agree it’d be best and much less risky to have her mail it for me after 10/30, cuz if they happen to notice I’ve been pen pals with her all along, though I doubt they will, it’ll be too late to violate me. Also, if it comes from Mary, it’ll look less vengeful because, in truth, I don’t want to deliberately set out to get TB fired. If that happens, it happens, but my number one goal is to give her a piece of my mind. I know it won’t change anything. Still, I want her to know how much she hurt me. Maybe she won’t be so quick to toy with people’s hearts and make her damn false promises in the future! Anyway, if Mary agrees to do this I’ll send her the letter, the address, and a note containing what to say. I thought she could make it simple and say, “This is a letter Jodi sent me to give you if you returned to Estrella while I was still there. She didn’t want to mail it to you directly because she didn’t want to get you in trouble.” Then she can add whatever else she wants to add to it as long as it’s not something like, “I’m going to kill you if I ever see you,” but I know Mary knows better than that. She can just scold her for hurting me and let her know that we both thought she should have a piece of my mind anyway.

Tom has a point when he said that me sending the letter directly to Teddy Bear right after I get off probation could look vengeful and like I’m just getting back at people, but with Mary sending it saying I had wanted her to give it to her if she saw her, it won’t look so bad.

Doing it this way will mean sending only one copy, of course, and I hope she’ll get to read every word of it before the sergeant seizes it, if she/he does. Maybe I should have Mary add a note to whoever opens the letter, asking to please be sure that she does get to read it, even if it ends up with the sergeant.

Lastly, she says I do a good job with fantasy writing.

Later on, after Tom gets up, we’re going to order that gown for Eve, plus gold shoe boots to go with it. Then, I’ll save up $75 as fast as I can and hope the Esme urban sport doll with the micro braids is still on sale. If not, I’ll continue saving till I have $110, and get the Esme mesmerizing doll. I’ll eventually get Sydney too, so I can have the entire line in that series.

Later…

As I sit here and type up a clip of Mary’s all about how Justin and his buddy used to rob girls they dated, it never ceases to amaze me how stupid she was. I mean, she had to have known about this long before they were taken into custody. Probably before they got all that serious with each other, which should have been enough right there to tell her what she was dealing with. In this day and age, Mary may be more intelligent than most people, especially her age, but her past stupidity makes my dumbest moves seem not so dumb after all. God knows I have a lot of regrets. There are so many things I said and did that I wish I didn’t, and so many things I didn’t say and do that I wish I did, yet Mary makes my most naïve years seem like I was a mature genius. The question is, how many more years would she have hung onto Justin if they’d never been captured? Till she had more kids killed by him? Till she was killed? It’s so sick and so sad. I mean, she describes the beatings and verbal abuse as utterly terrifying, yet a part of her must’ve liked it in a sick, twisted sort of way to have put up with it for so long. It’s not like she was trapped. There were people she could’ve gone to. They too may’ve had their problems, but none nearly as bad as Justin’s.

I once heard someone say that it makes no sense to believe in life and survival if you don’t believe in death and killing, and that’s so true. She should’ve shot him dead and then run like hell without ever looking back, just in case the pigs decided to charge her with murder and not self-defense. One can cry self-defense, but whether it’s true or not, it’s hit or miss as to whether or not that’s what the incident will be labeled as. I wouldn’t take my chances. Nonetheless, dogs kill people twice their size/weight, and so can people and I think that’s exactly what she should’ve done before things got so far out of hand. Animals kill other animals in order to survive, and if we people are technically animals too, then we should kill when it means protecting our own lives or those of our offspring if we have any.

She liked it. She definitely liked being abused. Same with Paula and Tammy who would no doubt be miserable today all over again, wishing she’d never married Mark, realizing just how similar he is to Dick and Bill, yet deep down, perhaps in a subconscious way, getting off on it, destined to find one Dick, Bill and Mark after another.

As for Paula – she could beat the shit out of 80% of the population which is part of what tells me she’s an abuse junkie, too. That and the fact that she keeps getting the same types. Abusers may be all someone like her could attract, but that doesn’t mean she has to keep saying yes to them unless she likes/wants what she’s in for.

Also, the way Justin treats men versus women makes me think he’s gay. Though he’s probably the type to never admit it or act on it, I think deep down he prefers male company what with the way Mary’s described him. His personality sounds like a true sexist, and most sexists, such as myself (with the exception of Tom and a few others) are gay. Just the way he’s all happy and cheery with guys while he’s abusive and disrespectful to women tells me this.