My allergies were waiting to attack me the moment I got up, and they’re still pretty bad. I’d love to take some Benadryl, but the freeloaders won’t let me as they know it’d put me to sleep, fuck up my schedule, and prevent me from going out tomorrow on account of them.

Yesterday, just after I awoke at 8:30, I was surprised to hear hunters out there. I didn’t expect them to suddenly start up again this close to spring and on a weekday. Spring out here being more like early March, of course. They woke me up today when they started at 10:00, and I’d already been woken up once before by a loud engine at 6:30. It never ceases to amaze me at just how much I’ve been woken up out here in rural Maricopa as opposed to the city where it was so much noisier. But of course, there I took more measures to ensure my sleep, so part of it is my fault for sleeping with the fan on low. I’ll sleep with it on high tonight. I’ll hopefully get up at noon, take about an hour to wake up over coffee, then shower and be out the door by 1:30.

I’m just so glad I don’t have to report at specific times. If I always had to report at 8 AM or 2 PM, it’d make it so much harder on me and it’s been hell on me as it is, though I still feel freer than I have in years. Especially with the piss test out of the way and his lack of home visits. Makes me feel a little more like my life belongs to me in between report times. I’d still like Scot to cut me to once a month, but I understand his selfish reasoning for not doing so. If I knew I’d be likely to get more people the more I cut their reports down, I wouldn’t cut them down either. I mean, yes, he’s stricter and more of a stickler for rules anyway, but we’re pretty sure that’s the reason he won’t give me any breaks despite his knowing my being on probation is unfair, asinine and unnecessary. I always said in the first place God would make sure I had a PO that wouldn’t spare me shit, but at least he didn’t send me to one who was hell-bent on setting me up.

I just hope we can get through the remaining time without incident. Tom doesn’t think he’ll mention recommending I be let go come the next progress report since by then there’ll only be 6 months left, but yes he will. I know he will. First of all, it wouldn’t take 6 months to make a simple phone call to tell him I’m done with them, though that’d never happen, and secondly, if I’m right about him enjoying how much it bothers me to hear my perpetrator called a victim, then that’s all the more reason he will.

I just wish I didn’t spend so much time regretting the past since it can never be undone or changed, but I do. There are so many things I’ve said/done that I wish I hadn’t, and vice versa. There I was thinking I handled Mr. Biased oh so well when in fact I couldn’t have handled him worse if I tried. I said all the wrong things. There I was thinking I was helping myself by telling him exactly what had happened yet little did I know that there were such places on earth where so much could be made out of so little. Such little petty shit could be so exaggerated and so twisted. So blown out of perspective and proportion.

Why does it still piss me off to know that I never stood up to Hank on Oswego St. or Barbara in Norwich? Why does it still piss me off to know that I didn’t attack the black bitch when she came screaming at the door? Why does it still piss me off to know that Woodruff reduced me to feeling like a child being punished when she sternly told me I’d “sit there longer” when I demanded to be sent back to M Dorm after being left to sit in the cramped, hot visitation booth while she and other DOs rudely gabbed happily away as if I didn’t exist?

I swear to God I will be all over the next Nancy K with the balls to threaten me. I swear it! No matter who’s got a hold on me or what the consequences are, I owe it to myself to finally fight back. I can’t keep letting this one pick on me and that one pick on me or else I’m going to be just as miserable as I have been in the past. If I don’t start standing up for myself, I’ll either end up in jail again or left to fume over what my abuser got away with this time around. It isn’t “over” even if it is over as far as the freeloaders are concerned come October. Someone else is going to fuck me over and or threaten me. It may take a few years, but it’ll happen, and you know what? I’m fighting back cuz I’ll be damned if I’ll suffer or get locked up for them. I don’t know how I’ll fight back, but I’ll figure it out when the time comes. No more sending the wrong message to people, making them believe, like I did with the black bitch, that they can keep picking and picking at me year after year in all different kinds of ways and get away with it. Now these people think they’re invincible. Now they know that just out of sheer spite and hate, they could call the pigs, tell them I tried to harm them in some way and the pigs will pick me right up, no questions asked. They wouldn’t need any evidence to get me a second time around and if they did they’d just make it up. With me already convicted of “stalking” them, they know they wouldn’t need much. I’d still like to think they’ll quit while they’re way, way ahead and let me get on with my life in 9 months, and fortunately, I don’t have any bad vibes, but again, it doesn’t really matter cuz I’d never let them get me in the same position once again. As soon as I knew they were at it again, I’d be out of here. I wouldn’t give them the satisfaction of fighting and dealing with them either by myself, a public pretender, or a good lawyer we paid for; I’d be out of here, leaving them to fight their own fight all by themselves.

That damn Humane Society teased us yesterday by sending a big envelope that I thought would at least have address labels in it, but instead they wanted more money. Again I emailed them suggesting they send the stuff they said they’d send first, but again they’re ignoring me. I think it’s cuz we only sent $10. Last time we sent $15 and there was no problem. If $10’s not acceptable to them, though, then they shouldn’t have it as one of their donation options.

Later…

I decided I’d no longer suffer for the freeloaders and let them control me any more than they already have, and took a Benadryl. To try to counteract the inevitable drowsiness the stuff causes me, I made a non-decaf cup of coffee.

I also decided to put a hold on getting Perfect Portions for now. Now that I’m not getting frozen foods that are fried, and am eating low-cal TV dinners that have a good balance of nutrition, I may be ok. That’s what I lost weight on a few years ago, but we’ll see. I still may get it eventually.

I definitely don’t want to join Weight Watchers. Their food’s as spicy as jail food, their program is complicated and involves a lot of math, and they use a point system. Hell, I was on a point system for years between Brattleboro and Valleyhead. I don’t need to be on one again.

Amazingly, yesterday’s candy spree didn’t put a pound on me, but I’m sure it’s only cuz I shit my ass off. Had I been stuck, I’d be up 2-3 pounds.