Before I get into the main highlights of Mary’s mail, she asked if I heard or seen on the news how Justin claimed he was hypnotized. No, but I’m sure I’ll hear all about it in her drafts. That’s a good one, too. What will the sick fuck think of next? Will he claim he was abducted by aliens that forced him to kill Gretchen?

She says she’s to attend court on the 28th, then leave for Florida the first week of March, but I’m sure there’ll be some new delay to add to the already very long list.

Anyway, Mary’s confirmed my top suspicion about Teddy Bear. She’s been quite a little slut, actually. She wrote: Teddy Bear news flash: She was moved to Madison because there were too many rumors that she flirts, among other things, with girls in the large dorms. At Madison, Teddy Bear gets mail all the time from girls. The sergeants constantly question her, but her exact words are, “I don’t know why inmates write me.” So Jodi, my opinion is she’s just as fucked up as Todd. Excuse my language, but these things piss me off. Anyway, that’s all I know about her, but it was enough to make my ears red. Your name, by the way, never came up.

I don’t care if my name came up. Mary can shout to the whole damn jail that she led me on and dropped me like a hot potato. I just don’t care anymore who knows what. I’ve done nothing wrong, nor do I bear any shame or guilt. I have no pity for TB and have lost all respect and admiration I once felt for her.

As I told her, if she hasn’t given anyone my old letter to give to Teddy Bear, don’t. Just ditch it, cuz I plan on contacting her directly which I’ll get into later.

I expressed my gratitude and love for her, for if not for her I’d still be asking myself the same questions today. Perhaps God’s answered more prayers of mine than I’ve given him credit for. After all, I wanted answers and now I have them, even if they’re almost a year late. That’s okay, though, as I didn’t think I’d ever get them at all. Better late than never.

I do have some questions for her, though. First question, who’s she getting her info from? Is it Chavez? Don’t answer any questions you don’t feel like answering while you’re still there, I told her, though I don’t see how anyone could know anything she tells me. My second question is, if she was transferred around Oct. of ‘01, then why is she still being investigated? Thirdly, she said she was flirting, “among other things.” What are the other things?

Her letter brought a slew of emotions, that’s for sure. Naturally, I was hurt. I was also pissed, feeling like the “woman scorned.” And I even found some humor in this pitiful excuse of an officer. Today’s Valentine’s Day. Think the happy little slut got all kinds of valentines in the mail? Ha, ha, ha! Yeah, I’ll bet you did, big girl.

I even sent Tom a Webshots postcard of a pig and wrote: A pig is a pig is a pig… they’re all shit!

I laughed, I cried, and I cussed her out royally! Felt so good to do so, too!

The part that burned me up the most was where she supposedly said she doesn’t know why inmates write her. She doesn’t know? She doesn’t know! My ass she doesn’t know! Well, come 8½ months from now (257 days) I shall personally refresh her memory and let her know that perhaps they write her cuz she leads them on and even tells them they can do so. I’ll remind her about the mice she wanted bred for her, the things we said we’d do, etc., and I promised Mary she’d get her very own copy and that I’ll never mention hers or any other DO’s name.

What’s scary is how wrong I was about her. You think you know someone – then – surprise, surprise. Normally, I’m an excellent judge of character. Give me a dozen people and I’ll have their overall personality figured out in a matter of minutes and I’ll only be wrong on one or two of them.

She didn’t blow me off cuz she loved me too much to see me with a man at my side. Nor did she meet anyone else (at least I doubt she did). She blew me off cuz she wanted to continue right on playing the field. She’s probably never involved in a serious relationship. She’s too much of a “typical male.” Just a man in a woman’s body. Why get serious when she knows she can have a huge variety at her fingertips? At least she could for a while there. How could I have been so stupid as far as she’s concerned? She is as fucked up as Todd.

Now I know why she told me to wait a year before sending the letter. As soon as she told me this, it just sounded rather off to me. I asked myself why hadn’t I heard of any such policy (which I’m sure never existed) and why would she wait a year if she really liked me. I mean, how was the jail going to know we were seeing each other? The real reason she told me to wait was that she knew she was going to blow me off and she was hoping that I’d forget about her by then.

I don’t regret the good times we had together, but damn that girl! The only sincere thing about her was her attraction to me (people don’t normally flirt with those they’re not attracted to), but as soon as that cell door clanged shut and she went home for the night, my feelings for her lived on while I ceased to exist in her mind. No, she was no doubt thinking of all the other girls she could play with when she wasn’t in M Dorm. She probably had a designated pet in each dorm/tower. What I don’t get is why she was hesitant to talk to me with Misha around, just one person but ok with flirting in a dorm filled with 130 women? That’s dumb. Incredibly dumb! I thought I was her special one when in fact I was merely her M Dorm specialty.

I decided to tell Mary about the surprise I added to her Moon/Venus sexual saga and enclosed it in my letter to her. I took it out of her story (it’s her story anyway) and pasted it in here. It’s still cleverly written despite the asshole we know the whore is. Hell, I’d still be turned on, no doubt, if she were to walk by me, particularly in uniform. I’d just know not to buy anything she’d say like I should’ve known better in the first place. Since when have I ever been able to trust anyone in law enforcement anyway? Pérez is probably the only kosher one there. So many damn corruptomaniacs in that field!

And I referred to her as Phoenix’s Finest? Oh, please! And I thought she was oh so “professional?” What kind of professional does what she did to me and no doubt to many others? Yeah, she’s some pro, huh?

Speaking of Phoenix’s Finest, you know, I think I might’ve referred to her as that in my letter to her. I always did wonder if my letter may’ve sparked the interest of others, making them wonder just went on between us, and now I see that it undoubtedly did! It’s kind of a funny thought, though. That sergeant must’ve really been like, “Why is this person talking about you visiting and breeding your favorite mice? Hell, she’s even got 32 mice for you to choose from! Just what did you say to her?”

I always suspected, and I know I’ve written this, that she may’ve had a long trail of happy admirers. Again, this is every gay/bi woman’s dream woman. Perhaps they should have a special bin set up at Madison just for her little followers saying: Johnson fan mail goes here. Either way, I got new names for her as far as our little name-guessing game was concerned and they don’t begin with an R!

You know, I wonder if anyone who opened my mail to Mary might’ve spotted anything I wrote about her that was brought to attention, not that I care if they did. Or maybe not, since I almost always refer to her as Teddy Bear.

I’ve always wanted her to know just how much she hurt me. Maybe even more than I wanted to know why she blew me off. So, I decided to hell with this Jodi-cannot-speak-her-mind-or-fight-back trip. From now on I’m going to take a stand for myself, fight for what’s right, and speak my mind as often as I need to. Naturally, there’ll be no swears or threats. It’s like with Tom and the way he bitched to the bank. He didn’t expect it to change anything (although it did for the better), but he wanted to let them know he was fed up, not going to take any more, and basically expose them for what they are. Well, that’s what I intend to do with TB, but not until after my probation ends. So Teddy Bear will be in for a trick rather than a treat come Halloween. If I can wait a year to send the first letter, I can wait 8½ to send the second and last letter. I’m virtually certain nothing could happen to me if I sent the letter on or off probation, but I’m going to wait anyway, assuming she’s still an officer, which I think she will be. They may warn them, transfer them, whatever, but they all protect their own. Nonetheless, she’s a marked officer, so to speak. Her superiors are well aware of her behavior, so I don’t see how I could get in trouble for giving her a piece of my mind. If, on the other hand, I accused the cheeks of some kind of no-no, a guy sporting a PO of the Year award who probably doesn’t have these rumors and fan mail hanging over his head, no one would believe me.

I’ve thought it through and made up my mind that I need to do this. I feel I owe it to myself. I never got to have any say with all the other shit I’ve been through over the last few years, and now it’s my turn to speak out. I don’t want to “get her,” which I’ll let her know, and I don’t want to see her get in any trouble, but I do intend to let her know that I was a human being she played with, not a toy. She needs a little lecture on her poor conduct from one of her vics and not just sergeants.

I asked myself, could she come after me? I highly doubt it. I mean, they could push for a probation extension just for the hell of it, but I highly doubt that, too. Coming and either beating me up or doing something to the house is a far cry from leading me on, then ignoring me as if I never existed. It’s a pig I’ll be talking back to, but I honestly can’t see it coming back to harm me in any way. We’re both the same color and this is a totally different situation than that of the blacks and their shit. I told Tom what I planned to do and he didn’t object, and if anyone would’ve objected if he were that worried, it’d be him. He’s usually more cautious/paranoid than I am, and I don’t trust nothing or nobody! Besides, if any harm did come to me, the people at the jail would know exactly who to pick up.

First I was hurt over what she did to me, but now I’m angry, especially after learning for sure that there are other victims of her games, which in a sense, is what’s inspiring me to “go forward,” so to speak. Like a rape victim who keeps silent till others come forward, I shall let her know (which will also be letting the sergeants know) that I hope she thinks about what she’s done and not make the same mistakes in the future. Of course, I won’t name names, like Mary’s. Nor will I tell her stuff like how Palma and Pérez liked me too, but never led me on like she did. I also won’t tell her that if I was called upon to testify as to what she’s all about, I will, even if I’d rather not. I’m also considering sending two copies as I want to ensure that both the sergeant and Teddy Bear – no Johnson – read just what I’ve got to say, and hopefully, the sergeant will put a copy in her file.

It’s hard to believe the bear was moved on just rumors alone if that’s really the case. Makes me wonder if perhaps one of the ladies in the dorm was a little piggy herself. Whether or not it’s done in a manipulative way or not, you need proof. I wouldn’t want to, but I couldn’t, for ex., take her to court for playing with my head like she did. I have no proof and it’s not like she could be charged with felony head games. All she has to do is play dumb like it appears she’s been doing. Selective amnesia is easy and convenient. Thinking some more about it, I’m not worried about the Halloween letter. True, one can’t always know how others are going to react to the things we say/do, but I’ve come to realize with time that we can’t spend our lives worrying too much about the ‘what ifs’ or else we’ll never do/accomplish anything. All we can do is use our best judgment and try not to do anything too stupid.

She ought to break the law, get caught, and be thrown in jail. That way she could have all the women she wants.

Another thing is that I had said she wasn’t responsible for anyone writing to her, but in a sense she is responsible.

I am now just so glad that married or not, we never did meet after all. Boy, do I take back saying that if Tom and I hadn’t been destined to meet, I’d hope she and I would. I mean, what would be the point? She’d only have been whoring around on the side.

Later…

The tan frog is much bigger than the other two brown ones, for some reason. They all hang out in the open more, but they don’t swim around.

Because I woke up a couple of hours too early, for no apparent reason, I’m kind of beat today. Tom said he was surprised the loud fighter jets that flew low over the house didn’t wake me up a few hours before I got up. Maybe because I’m sleeping with the fan on higher, that’s what saved me. If there isn’t music, there’s thunder, hunters, dogs, ATVs, and sonic booms.

In fact, I’m too tired to write any more at the moment. I’ll be back later.