I am so fucking pissed right now! Now my pedals are broken, too! Everything of ours just has to break. Everything! It never fucking ends. I told him not to bother sending them back for a new one cuz that would just break, too.

“You gonna just throw the money away?” he asked.

Yup. That’s all we ever do anyway is lose money, so why not? And I’m not getting an 80-pound kiln for hundreds of dollars that’s just going to break, too. I’ll save up and buy the dolls I want outright. The fewer mechanical things I have to depend on, the better. I’m going to go back to jogging. If God wants to stop me from this too, then he’s going to have to break me. I’m just so fucking sick of this shit, though. This is not normal. No one’s shit breaks like ours.

Mary’s torturing me by keeping me in suspense about Teddy Bear. She never mentioned a word about her in her letter. All she said was to let her know if I heard anything about Monster and about her new lipstick. I wish she’d give me what she has so far, then, later on, she can add to it as she learns more. I wanna know something!

Later…

I’m still utterly furious about the broken pedals. I know something’s cursing our stuff and I just wish it would leave us alone!

I sent Kelly a postcard from Webshots, letting her know how she can do this too, if she wants, without being a member. Still haven’t heard back from her.

One of the nude dolls on sale that I want to get this week went up $5 when it was moved to a different section of the site. I emailed them asking why, and if the dolls I want are poseable (I think they are, though), but most people don’t respond to their email, we’ll see.

It’s been a very rainy day. It was the darkest 3 PM I’d ever seen! Like 7:30 in the morning. Thunder woke me up a couple of hours before I’d have liked to have gotten up. I’ve got to start sleeping with the fan on high regularly. It’s just that I haven’t wanted to. Especially at this time of year, so maybe I’ll just let myself get woken up periodically. It’s not like it happens every day. I’ll just sleep with it on high till the weather clears up.

It was really cool to look out back and see the mountaintops sticking up through the clouds.

I’m working on a “visualization” thing for Mary that I assume she got from some psychology book. Again, I agree with some of the ideas/beliefs it mentions and some I don’t. They talk about clearing your mind and thinking of absolutely nothing for a short period of time, but to me, that’d be like trying to breathe under water. I couldn’t blank my mind for even a second!

I can totally relate to the “movies of the mind” it talks about. I play movies in my mind all the time. Most of them are rather X-rated, but I’m really damn good at mind movies, nonetheless.

I don’t believe, however, that these movies can influence the outcome of things. I believe God’s written our scripts from start to finish and that most things are a matter of fate and not what we want, think or do. In other words, why should I bother to pray to live if some psycho suddenly pointed a gun at me? God’s already made up his mind to do whatever it is he’s going to do and no amount of prayer would change destiny. If it were my time to go, he wouldn’t listen to a thing I had to say anyway.

I also see nothing wrong with placing blame either ourselves or on those who’ve wronged us, so long as it’s truly deserved.

To say that the events in our lives are a direct result of our inner images; come on, that’s ridiculous. No one sits and envisions themselves having lives filled with emotional and physical abuse and all kinds of other hardships, so to say that they made their lives that way by thinking and picturing it is insane. Did Mary cause her daughter’s death by imagining it happening? Of course not! Can I close my eyes, picture myself rich and thin and become that? No, of course not. My body and my life belong to God.

I can see how a lot of people would want to believe we have more control over our lives than we really do, though. I mean, I talk of how thinking about writing the book about the framed girl in jail who falls in love with her gay guard jinxing it to happen for real, and maybe it did, since I certainly can’t say that nothing we ever think or do affects our experiences.

So, to answer Mary’s question about what I think about the subject, no, I don’t buy most of it, but it makes for interesting reading. I’m always open to other ideas/beliefs/opinions, even if I may not always agree with them.

I do agree with the part that says it’s okay to think of ourselves. It talks about how so many people think that sacrificing our happiness for others is the way to go, and sometimes it is, but I agree with them when they say that the more we’re satisfied, the better company we can be towards others, but when we’re miserable, that tends to rub off on others. Perhaps this is why I could only attract people like Ron, Nervous, Fran, Brenda and Andy in the past, and not the Toms, Marys, Kellys, Pérez’s, and Teddy Bears, even if one of them blew me off in the end.

Some people might say my reasons for not wanting a child (not wanting the expense and responsibility and wanting to be able to have a life) are selfish of me but is it? I think it’s the other way around and that it’d be selfish of me to have a kid due to how I feel. I don’t think that’d be fair to the kid; to have it when my heart wasn’t in it. There are enough unwanted kids in this world as it is. In the end, though, as is always the case with me, it doesn’t matter what I want as God wouldn’t allow it anyway.

I think that it’s hard for most people to accept grim facts and that they want to do everything they can to believe that things are better than they actually are, even if part of that means believing they’ve got more say in their lives than they might really have. Me? It was harder for me to admit and address harsh facts when I was younger, but nowadays, I figure I might as well. There’s no sense in denying what appears obvious enough at least to me.

On the other hand, God doesn’t treat us equally. Perhaps Joe Shmoe up the road has more say in his life than I do, and perhaps Jane Doe down the road has less.

Partly due to Mary’s inspiration, and partly just because, I may get into writing some colorful X-rated stories of my own, but my fantasies may be more reality-based. Who knows, maybe I’ll write the book that may’ve jinxed me as I doubt it’ll jinx me twice if it ever really did once. I know things about the law now that I didn’t know before. No one’s ever going to be able to back me into a corner and get me into the position they got me in before, and no stranger, who doesn’t know me from shit, and who never was a firsthand witness to any events in my life, is ever going to don a black robe and sit in judgment of me again.

Tom was on the phone with the bank today. He’s fed up with all this overtime they’re stiffing him on, and I’m like, you finally put your foot down about that? Why does it take him so long to put his foot down when it comes to the bank ripping him off, or his mom using and ripping him off?

I swear God would just love us to death if we took a few hundred bucks each month and randomly left it on people’s doorsteps.

I still wish I could make dolls! Not to join the ranks of modern working women who get bashed for not working (Women will always be bashed for something. If not work, something else), but because I want to. Once again, though, God wants me working for others and not myself, which means he’d only throw all kinds of obstacles in my way. I’d only be buying a kiln that if it didn’t arrive broken, would only end up breaking a month or two later.

Meanwhile, I’ll start jogging tomorrow. I hate jogging, though, and it’s not good exercise at all. It’s too much of a kick to the heart and jarring to the knees and ankles.

Another thing I have to do is change my menu. I know everyone’s different, but eating small amounts 4-6 times a day is a killer for me. I’m starving all the time because I can’t fill up. After eating, I feel like I didn’t eat at all. No diet, whether it’s a diet to lose or maintain weight, is easy, but this is way harder on me. I’m going back to the one-large-meal, plus-two-snacks-a-day routine. I need to stuff myself at least once a day and have some sugar once a week, too. I’ll basically just live on chicken, fish, beef and popcorn, my favorite snack. Once a week I’ll get a candy bar or maybe even two.