Best Western…

We left the Motel 6 yesterday and I am so, so glad to be outa there! On a scale of 1-10, 10 being the worst, Tom said he’d give it a 9. I’m leaning more toward a 10. It was so NHA-like! Someone was obviously dealing drugs from there which would explain the round-the-clock activity. Even at 4 AM there was honking and shouting in the parking lot. That parking lot was worse than our old street because up there they just whizzed by doing their shit. In the parking lot, though, they’d sit there with the damn music, horns and whatnot blasting.

We’re now at the Best Western in Roseville. It’s way quieter here. Probably the quietest place so far, although since no one can walk normally, we do hear stomping upstairs from time to time. But being on the ground floor, I can’t hear or feel it much with the wax plug-in so long as I’m not leaning against the wall. If I lean against the headboard which is against the wall, then I can feel it. Whoever it is walks like they’re pissed as hell. Fortunately, though, they don’t do this too often. Just for a little while in the evenings. The door-slamming here is the quietest ever. I hear them close when I don’t have an earplug in, but not slam. This is about as good as it gets for not being before the 90s when you didn’t hear shit.

The room itself is much better too, and this one even has a coffeemaker.

I was too tired to do laundry with Tom yesterday in Carmichael before we came here at around noon. He went back out by himself to a scummy place while I took a nap for a couple of hours. Because I’m now relatively caught up on my sleep, I’ll only get 4 hours tomorrow. I seem to get just a few hours every other day. I just wish I could sleep from 11 PM - 7 AM every day of my life! That’d eliminate half the problem. Then all I’d have to deal with would be people’s inability to shut the fuck up.

It’s gorgeous out there now. If only we could enjoy it without the job/housing problems.

We just came back from a pizza place where a few animals were running around and screaming like the devil was after them, parents and friends completely deaf, dumb and blind to it all, and now we’re relaxing again. Tom probably won’t be up much longer, but I should be.

Yesterday I got two letters from Mary. When I first saw them I was like, “Come on! I’m homeless, I’m jobless, give me a break!” But she didn’t ask for anything. She just told me about a 24-year-old who had been in for a while with bleach-blond spiked hair that she had her first girl crush on and is wondering if she could be bisexual. She was so like a boy, she said, and she wonders if that’s her type. Regardless of her type, is she just now figuring out the fact that she’s bi? She may prefer men, but I’ve always known she wouldn’t think twice with the right woman. She said she never did anything with this girl because the girl was spoken for and very faithful. She also said she was afraid to fall in love cuz love equals pain.

I realized that now would be the ideal time to win incense, concentrated on that, and won. Now why can’t I do that with the big cash prizes??? It’s a good thing the Stickman contacted Tom with the PayPal form because I can’t get into my Hotmail account for some reason. Until we get a response back from them, we don’t know if it’s because someone stole my account, if they’re having problems, or if I screwed up somehow. It’s hard to believe I’d screw up after using the account for over two years now.

Another worthless, pain-in-the-ass win. Tom got a message saying I won a Lasergrip gun sight for the gun we don’t own. In just one week I’ve won about $600 worth of stuff. Why can’t it be in cash?! Tom’s going to call the company tomorrow. I guess we get to choose the one we want. We’ll either get one we can eventually get a gun to go with, or we’ll just try to sell it. It’s worth about $250. I sure would like to have a gun to kill myself with, since I couldn’t go to a prison and ask to borrow a lethal injection so I could just fall asleep and never wake up again. I’ve made up my mind that unless I miraculously hit it big or he lands a job with enough pay for a house, now would be a good time to die. I don’t know why I’m being punished. I only know that I am. So if I know I’m in for a lifetime of chaos, noise and financial troubles, why not go now? Before my eyes get worse. Before I have the hassles of dealing with my teeth. Before hopelessly fighting for the benefits that are rightfully mine. Before I get old and arthritic?

I just wanted to go in the Cali sun, not in a dump on a cold, snowy mountain. If we ended up with enough money for a house, then maybe I’d consider plugging along, so long as it wasn’t like Phoenix, but I’m just about 99.9% sure we’re going to end up in one of two places – on the streets or in an apartment. And an apartment wouldn’t be much more peaceful than motels either. It’d just be the same people making the ruckus, as opposed to mostly new people each day. Well, the only way to escape a curse is to kill myself. I can’t be cursed with never being allowed to live in peace and where I want if I’m dead. I don’t want to live a life of settling. If I can’t be in the driver’s seat of my life, then what’s the point? The more I live life feeling like a puppet on strings I can never grab hold of, the older it gets, and the less hopeful I get as far as seizing control over those strings.

I had considered death by starvation, figuring it’d be the easiest way to go, but I don’t want to start this in a motel and have to deal with housekeepers butting in along the way. It may be just as noisy in an apartment, but at least there I could die there without anyone interfering and in my own bed with my own stuff, assuming we don’t lose it and end up on the streets. Tom’s promised me that he’ll help me to go quickly if we do, and believe me I’m going to make him live up to this promise, too! The quickest way would be to seal myself up in a bathroom and die of carbon monoxide poisoning from charcoal.

He thinks he’ll be employed this week. I hope so, for his sake, because he’s not going to want to die either way. Still, I’m afraid our money will run out before he gets checks from either a job or the Unemployment people.

Sometimes I wonder if some of the pranks I used to pull that seemed so minor, really ended up having bigger consequences than I could ever have imagined and that that’s why I’m being punished, though I was cursed before I was even born when you consider who I was born to. Still, did I prank someone who was depressed or who had a weak heart? And if so, did my calls push them over the edge?

So many questions, but never any answers! All I know is that things are obviously never going to change, and when they do, it won’t be for long or without some kind of price attached to it.