I’m kind of bummed out right now for obvious reasons. There’s been a mix of good and bad, you could say. First of all, it turns out that yes, there are people next door who I saw wheeling in a shopping cart of all things, and they were a little bangy for a few hours, but this place has still been way quieter than any other motel or apartment could ever be. I still don’t think there’s anyone on the other side of us, but the closer it gets to the weekend, the more I expect it’ll fill up. At least you don’t feel other people’s footsteps as if they were just inches away!

I got my incense from the Stickman. He was nice enough to give me a few Cotton Candy sticks, as well as sandalwood cones, on top of the Angel, Fast Cash and Hugo Boss sticks I won. I don’t like this Sandalwood, though.

I finally got caught up on the sweeps dating back to the 7th. The connection got more reliable than usual last night, so I swept all the while he slept. My ass was so sore from sitting on it for so many hours, but it was worth it. It’s been boring not being able to sweep and too wound up to work on stories.

I’m wondering if I’ll ever get that beauty basket. If there were any problems with the forms I faxed and that lady emailed me, I wouldn’t know it because it would’ve gone to the Hotmail account I could never get back into. I looked on the forms but couldn’t find her email address.

Later…

I found the person’s email address online and sent her a message asking if the prize was on its way. I also blasted Hotmail for ignoring us about why I still can’t get into my account.

The plan was for me to get some charcoal this weekend, seal up the bathroom with duct tape, and just let the carbon monoxide carry me away from this cruel, unfair world. Away from knowing we’ll probably struggle financially most of our lives, never get to live in a peaceful place, never get the disability benefits I qualify for and have a right to, etc. As it is, we may not even get the damn Unemployment we’re also entitled to! It’s his money that he worked for yet when he called today he got, “I don’t understand why you quit before getting another job,” and as he had to explain to them yet again, no one would hire him in California while he was still up in Oregon. I wasn’t kidding when I said Oregon was one fucked up state, and this is just one of many reasons! But Mr. Hopeful here thinks he can still get what’s his, and asked that while he’ll still support me if I want to go, he wants me to consider holding off another week to help him get through the next week by being there for him, saying that if we can get through the next week, we’ll have it made. Have it made in that we probably won’t end up on the streets at that point. Not as long as we sell the expensive guitar for the measly $250 they said they’d pay for it today when Tom stopped in to ask about it. We don’t want the thing and it didn’t cost anything since I won it, but $250 kinda sucks since it’s worth about a grand. Still, some money’s better than none.

Sure it would be great if we could stay off the streets and not lose our stuff that’s in storage, but not knowing if life will get better anytime soon isn’t very encouraging. I was freaking out thinking we’d need a grand or two to get into a place, but he said we could get into an apartment, even though it’s not what we want, for about $500, and in about a month since most complexes have move-in specials where you only pay the deposit, unlike houses. Of course we could get into what we don’t want. That’s always easy and that’s the problem! Why is a modest house with just a little bit of extra money left over after the expenses are paid, and the right to not have to hear other people’s music and dogs so damn much to ask for??? Instead, the best we might be able to do anytime soon is get into an apartment and listen to all the banging, the hours and hours of TVs and stereos blaring, etc. I think I’d rather stay here, though I miss my stuff and having more than one room to live in.

I was surprised when Tom explained to me how California was different than the rest of the country. He’s lived here before and having grown up right next door he knows more about it than I do. I’m glad one of the things that are better is that it doesn’t take a fortune to get into a place. I’m also glad they don’t favor any particular races, religions or sexual orientations. The religious fanatics are definitely the favorites of Oregon, while blacks and Mexicans are the stars of Arizona.

Tom said I misunderstood him about my being clairvoyant and so he cleared me up on that. He said he always knew I was clairvoyant as well as an influencer, but that the two are intertwined from what he can see. He says I may sense things about the future, but that because I tend to latch onto the negatives I see, that’s what can influence them to actually happen. Maybe so, but it’s awfully hard to see anything good to latch onto while we’re broke, living in motels, and driving a piece of shit. If there is any good, it’s that at least we’re in California, even though my dreams of living here never included poverty, motels, apartments and stuff like that.

In other good news, they’re really impressed with Tom’s computer skills, so unless whatever’s up there is just teasing him with false hope, it looks more and more promising for advancement. He hopes to get hired on by Comtek itself if a better-paying job doesn’t come his way. Right now, though, he’s considered a Volt employee which is the temp agency that placed him at Comtek. Speaking of temp agencies, another one called today. When he has time, probably on his lunch break tomorrow, he’ll see what they have to offer. I don’t see it happening if I’m right about something up there wanting to hold us back at least for a while, but if he gets an offer for a better-paying job, he’ll want to check it out.

He thinks I influenced him to get a job so fast, but I think that one can be credited to the internet.

He says that the more things didn’t work out in Oregon, the more he believes I’m right about what I said when we broke down in Merced on the way up there, about this being where we’re meant to be. That’s what I always thought too, but right now there’s so much uncertainty in our lives to be sure of anything. When we broke down and his brother came up from Madera just so we could get a lousy $16 part, Tom had said, “I think something’s testing us to see how bad we want to get to Oregon.”

In response to this, I muttered, “Or trying to tell us to stay out of there.”

Losing a bare 2-acre parcel in Oregon didn’t hurt as much as losing a 10-acre lot with a brand new 2000-square-foot home in Arizona, but see why these things make me think we’ll never find our place on this earth?

I think Tom may have a point about not focusing on the negs so as not to make them happen, so to speak. It’s hard at times, but in a way, he understands my abilities better than I do. See, the night before he started his new job I did some visualizing spells. I would “see” good things happening. I’d see them being way impressed, wanting to up his pay and make him one of the managers and things like that. Then ironically enough, they were drooling over his knowledge in just a few days of work, telling him things like not to worry if he’s a few minutes late.

It’s a two-way street, so it seems. The more I concentrate on how pissed I am at certain family members of ours for using and abusing us before abandoning us altogether, the more likely they are to get sick.

The Stickman said no one’s ever won the incense I love so much more than once. I’ve won 3 times.

So I’ll try to see good things and hopefully, that will help influence us into a better situation. Unless I see something bad that could harm us, like a potential accident.