Do people choose not to cum? That was an interesting question someone asked in their own journal entry, saying their man rarely cums. I can relate. Tom rarely does either, and while he insists it’s out of his control, I wondered if that were really the case because he never wanted to get help. It deeply troubled me during the first few years of our marriage. I felt like he was having sex FOR me and not WITH me, and that I wasn’t good enough. I also wanted a kid. I at least thought I did anyway.

He insisted he was indeed A-okay with having a kid, and for a while, I wasn’t sure if this was really true or not. After all, it’s common for a lot of guys to be anti-kid. If he wanted a kid, though, I asked myself, wouldn’t he have wanted to overcome his shyness and seek help, knowing that contrary to popular belief, your chances of conceiving from precum are next to nil? After all, there’s a reason there are millions of sperm in the first place; because a few are so unlikely to make anything. But then again, he DID cum at times, once resulting in a pregnancy. I just lost it practically as fast as I obtained it.

I also didn’t realize that our appetites tend to decline with age. Of course I’d heard this, but sometimes seeing is believing, and until we experience things for ourselves or simply mature with age, we just don’t always get it. 35 may not exactly have been over the hill, but it’s not like being 20 either. I noticed a sudden decline in my own drive in my late 30s. So no, I don’t think we’re as choosy as a lot of people like to think we are. I don’t think people choose to have sexual problems or dysfunctions anymore than they choose what gender, flavors, colors or music they like. I think he was comfortable with the problem, however, and didn’t exactly see it as a problem, though he was fully aware of it. Why? Oh, just because it’s easier for some guys to ignore things than to deal with them. He probably also didn’t want a kid as much as he said he did. I’m not saying he wouldn’t have been a great dad had we had a kid, I’m just saying he was ok without having one before I became ok with it as well. And with keeping the sheets dry, too!

I think a lot of people find it easier to insist one chooses certain things than to just accept the fact that we are how we are. Yes, some women choose to be with abusive men. It’s sick, it’s sad, but some really do get off on abuse. Especially one who has gone from abusive man to abusive man many times and well into their middle-age years. So yeah, they obviously choose to do this. But did they choose the illness in the first place that attracts them to their abusers? I think not! Alcoholics don’t choose to be alcoholics, do they? So while I don’t know how some women can get off on having pain inflicted upon them, particularly if it’s all they ever knew, some just do, and I don’t think they chose it.

I also believe that if a person admits they have a problem, but chooses to ignore it, then they must be content to keep the problem. We may not be able to help who we are to a degree, but we can choose whether or not to accept ourselves and others, or we can go through life kicking and screaming in protest, which is pretty much what I’m doing right now myself in some ways. My husband believes we’ll own a home again in a senior community in a few years when he’s 55 and that money won’t be an issue. I, however, believe he’s naïvely optimistic and that something will come up – probably something he can’t see right now – to fuck it all up for us. Thus leaving us to continue to struggle in someone else’s dump. Well, this is a very hard pill to simply swallow and just “accept.” Looking at the “bright side” of things isn’t always much consolation. All I can do is hope that he’s right and I’m wrong.

Another interesting subject I stumbled across - can God hate a group of people or just certain individuals? Well, if He hates gays, then He’s also hated Indians, Jews, blacks, you name it, as every group seems to have been picked on at one time or another. However, I do strongly believe that yes, He can favor certain individuals over others. Why else would some people’s lives be so much better than others? It’s just hard to believe He sees someone like Paris Hilton the same way he sees a baby whose parents decided one day that he or she is simply too noisy or too costly to deserve to live anymore.

They have these really cool language podcasts on iTunes that are free and they make for a great way to really help ground in what you’ve learned. It’s so way cool to be able to listen to Italian dialogs and to understand most, if not all, of what they’re saying BEFORE they translate it! But I did work hard to get myself where I’m at today. I did my Portuguese lesson, so now I’ll go review some Italian.

Decided to give up dieting, but this doesn’t mean I’ll let myself fall out of shape no matter how much weight I put back on. I’ll still be riding and running almost every day.