I handed my brother a card I’d written for him. He took it, started to read it, then stopped. “Por que tu no leyendo mí tarjeta?” I asked him (Why aren’t you reading my card?). Well, I don’t know why I’d write a card for my brother of all people, much less see him in person, but I like it when I dream in other languages. Those dreams are fun to have.

It was freezing in here when I got up at just 66º. So I took advantage of the cold and jumped on the bike. By the time I’d burned 50 cals I was toasty warm. Not long afterward, the sun rose over the mountain and now it’s 75º in here. In a few hours, we’ll need to open the windows and kick the cooler on. It’ll be back in the 90s in a few days – yay!

Can’t think of much else to say other than that the investigation is getting more discouraging by the minute.

Later…

It’s still kind of strange to walk up to a mirror, turn sideways, and not see a belly. Tom put strips of scotch tape inside my wedding band since I almost lost it earlier. Despite losing nearly 30 pounds, I’ve jumped up a few pounds. Today I started eating less and riding more. Burned 200 cals on the bike.

The dogs have continued to be quiet, and fortunately, it was just that one day that something – I don’t know what – set them off. This doesn’t mean I still don’t worry that the winter will be as bad as last, but we’ll see soon enough.

I posted the journals on Blogger from when we were in motels in Oregon. What a picnic that turned out to be compared to our motel time down here, yet it was plenty stressful enough!

I’m starting to give up hope, once again, of ever finding that woman who was so kind to me during my final hours at camp so many years ago. I prayed several times, but as is usually the case, the prayers have gone unanswered. No one has responded to my post at the reunion site, and I haven’t heard anything from Gregg all day. My guess is he’s either onto something good or he’s hit a dead-end. If he’s getting nowhere, though, I’m kind of surprised he hasn’t said so. Maybe I should hope not hearing from him is a good thing and that it only means he’s checking yearbooks and asking questions. After all, I would think this isn’t info that’s always readily at his fingertips that he could just look up in minutes and have all the answers to. I just don’t know what would be more frustrating; not getting a name at all, or getting a name and not being able to find the person to contact them. I’d almost hate to come that close for nothing at all if I couldn’t make contact, but if I end up with just a name, then that was more than I got 14 years ago when I first tried to find her.

Come on, God, help me! I just want to say “thank you.” It’s that important to me and would mean that much to me. So please, please, lead the way. Have Gregg point me in the right direction. And yes, a great start would certainly be with a name. I mean, we do have to know who to look for in the first place, don’t we?

I’m a little surprised I haven’t heard from Mary yet. I hope it’s just a case of her not being able to contact me yet and not that they pulled a fast one on her in the end and that she’s still in jail. I know how deceptive and manipulative the system can be.

Sure enough, OLS is still playing their upgrade promise game. Are they going to do this every two weeks? All the members they’ve lost by now must really be catching up to them in order for Brent to feel he has to pull shit like this.

When I get around to it I might pull some of Lisa’s stuff out of my journal. Her notes, our discussions, etc. This doesn’t mean I want anything to do with her or the rest of her family, but I think it may be a good way for me to once again move on if I weed out at least some of it. Not all of it, since they were once a part of my life, like it or not, and I can’t deny or erase their existence simply by writing them out of my journal. Sure would be nice if I could, though, along with a few other things!

As for forgiveness, it doesn’t matter whether or not I could ever forgive them (not that I think I could, for whatever it’s worth) because I simply want nothing to do with them. Period. Not now, not in the future. So, since they’re a closed chapter in my life, it doesn’t matter who lied about what, who fucked over who, and whether or not I could forgive them.