I had a very scary dream for someone who’s known to have dream premonitions. I dreamt the check still hadn’t arrived, and Tom said, in a dubious tone of voice, that he’d call Monday and see what we had to do. The only thing off about the dream was that he had just returned with tons of Chinese food and we appeared to be in a second-story house that was ours.

I really hope to hell that was just a dream! I swear I WILL kill myself before I let God beat me over the head with money for another 30-40 years! Man, I’m tired of this shit! I’m tired of being held back from living. I just don’t get it. You got tons of people out there sitting on welfare who will do anything to get out of having to work 5 minutes. Yet here we are, perfectly willing to work to get ahead, yet circumstances totally out of our control won’t let us!

Our lives weren’t bad for the last two years in Oregon. I couldn’t get insurance up there and I hated the cold and snow, but it wasn’t bad. Nonetheless, we came down here in hopes of making our lives even better, yet it’s like we’re being punished for trying! Except for that one ear doctor that we had to pay for ourselves, I haven’t seen the inside of a doctor’s office since 2004. My last female exam was in 1999. I don’t care to get a female exam even though I know I should every year, but when am I ever going to have the luxury of just getting to a dentist???

And when are there going to be jobs in this area???

Later…

I still can’t believe the childish, immature outburst she sent me and all over a timeframe I never mentioned. She’s upset that I called her insane, but what else am I to think when someone pitches that kind of fit over when we were supposed to have first gotten in touch? Like I said before, all she had to do was just ask me about it in a civilized manner and I could’ve told her that I didn’t mention a timeframe at all, just that we’d been in touch.

Her going from “I can’t believe you lied! Stay out of my life!” to wanting to kiss and make up and move on if I’d apologize for something she either imagined or misunderstood is classic manic/depressant behavior. I’ve seen enough emotional instability in this world to know the signs. Troubled people like this often go back and forth from sweet and kind to raving lunatics, screaming all kinds of paranoid accusations at whomever after they just told them how much they love them and all that sweet shit. They also tend to be contradicting. She’s married with kids on FB, so it seems, but single and childless on MS. Whatever. The point is I don’t know this person. Maybe she’s crazy or maybe she’s just acting that way thinking she’ll get what she wants from me that way, but I DON’T WANT to know her in any way. Why are some people so obsessed with trying to “win over” those who don’t want a damn thing to do with them? Is she that bored or miserable in life that she feels she needs such a challenge? She got along just fine without me in her life this long, so why now? Why is it that all of a sudden she and the others feel they just have to send all these messages? What is she going to do next? Join Kiwibox so she can harass me there, too?

I shake my head sadly and I can’t help but wonder who the hell she thinks she is. Who does she think I am? A punching bag she can just beat on whenever she gets pissed? Someone who will then be quick to apologize for fictitious lies after she’s done pitching her little shit fit, smile, move on and forgive her as if nothing ever happened? Get real! Just keep on dreaming cuz you blew it, honey. You will never have my love or forgiveness. I will never again be an aunt to you. Not now, not in 5 years, not in 10 years, not ever. So sending me notes saying that you’re now all lovey-dovey with your mom and trying to impress me with your income is just a waste of time on your part. If your life was so peachy keen you wouldn’t be drinking or doing drugs (though you may’ve curbed that much) and you certainly wouldn’t be throwing temper tantrums in messages to me as you have been over a lousy date. If you’re really with it in the head, then why act like I told my father something like you came here, ran into our living room with your car, punched out our windows, threatened to kill us, then burnt the place down? My father’s 78 years old for God’s sake! Do you really expect the man to be that sharp-minded in what’s going on with whom and when? Every time we talk they seem to have forgotten something we’ve discussed, or can’t remember if I said I already did a certain thing or was going to do it and stuff like that. They’re fucking old, for crying out loud! Of course they’re going to be confused at times. And of course, I also didn’t hear whatever was said, so I don’t know that my dad really told anyone that we first talked in April. There are a few mental cases in the family, after all. And they like to make up things along the way. Anything to start trouble.

What it all comes down to is that this is the reason I dumped my entire family a decade ago. Because I was sick of the he said/she said bullshit and all the instability around me. I respect myself enough not to allow myself to be subjected to such mean, stupid and abusive people whenever possible. I know some people don’t mind being around mean, negative people, but I do. I know I deserve better than that and that I have enough other shit to deal with. I can throw a toxic person away the same as I can throw an old candy bar wrapper away. And this is just what I’ve done with my siblings, nieces, aunts, uncles, some cousins and old “friends.” I’ve crumpled them up like old pieces of paper and have tossed them into the wastebasket where they belong.

And I don’t recycle old trash!