A few days ago Tom and I were chatting. I thought of our endeavors over the last decade or so, shook my head and said, “We fucked up, Tom. We really did. We didn’t get a damn thing right. Maricopa was a mistake, Oregon was a mistake, and when we had a lot of money, not saving was a mistake, too. We really did it all wrong. All wrong.”

His expression turned thoughtful and he said, “Yeah, basically.”

A moment or two of silence went by, then he added, “But it was fun.”

At that point, we both cracked up laughing. Yep. We were two fuck-ups having fun. We live like bums in a trashy old trailer because of it, too, LOL. And sometimes I get pissed at myself and say, “An old trailer? Is that the best you can do? Is that all you’ve got to show for yourself at 44 years of age? Is that all?!”

But that’s not all. I have tons of love, laughter, fun and material things. I’ve had many adventures and experiences that many people never get to have. Some were pretty scary, but for the most part, I’ve had a lot of variety in my life. I’ve lived in small towns, out in the boonies, in the big city. I’ve lived in New England, the southwestern desert, the Pacific Northwest and now the wilderness of NorCal. I’ve been poor, I’ve been average, I’ve been rich. Well, if you consider my folks to be rich and I’d say they spent most of their lives pretty close to it.

When I think of that young girl all alone and lonely in the projects back east and who had next to nothing, it’s hard to believe that girl was me. That loveless, seemingly hopeless girl was me. My life still isn’t what I want it to be, and I still have a ways to go to get it to where I want it, but it’s changed so, so much over the years for the better! And I highly doubt my life would have flourished as it has if it weren’t for Tom. And the internet too, LOL. The internet has really been a very educational experience for me and has really branched out my horizons. How else could I have reunited with D in New York or be able to say I have a friend in Wales of all places?

Speaking of them, Paul is cancer-free – yay! – and D and I swapped messages. A few from work, then after she got home. She’s in bed now. Bet I can guess who she’s dreaming of, too. :)

She still laughs at the thought of my running hysterically through here, shrieking like a hyena over the spiders. And I still laugh about something I can’t write about. That’s the price you pay when you do “live journaling.” Some things are just hushables.

Think I’ll go make some tea. :)