Still nothing from Misha, but she also still hasn’t signed into her account either and might not have it set up for email alerts if she even has the same email addy. I hope she isn’t doing time again! She’s just very lucky she got to have the kid she wanted. I remember worrying that she wouldn’t be able to have one for some reason or another when she told me how much she wanted one, cuz that’s just not the way it usually works. Doesn’t seem to anyway. More often than not, it seems that the more a woman wants kids, she’s either unable to have them or can’t find a guy who will go for it or whatever. Meanwhile, the ones who either don’t want them or shouldn’t be having them seem to have them with no problems. This doesn’t mean I think there was more of a risk of me having an accident once I realized I didn’t want a child of my own, but there definitely does seem to be a pattern there. My sister-in-law may’ve had a few minor faults about her in that she could be a little rude and a little selfish, but there’s no doubt that she would have made a good mother. Yet the closest she ever came to motherhood was by way of a couple of miscarriages before finally having to have a full hysterectomy. Her husband had kids when they met and married, but they were nearly grown and living with their mother.

There have been many things in life I’ve wanted and that I’ve prayed for only to end up watching others get it instead. Many times I’ve felt so picked on and singled out, and maybe I am in some ways, but I know that everyone experiences this and that it isn’t just me. I totally believe that for the most part life isn’t what we plan or expect it to be, and rarely do we set out with a particular goal or dream in mind and actually end up achieving it. Those wonderful surprises in life help make up for the things we wanted in life but failed to obtain for whatever reason, but even so, it would be nice if Tom and I could get something we want for once. I’m ok with past goals and dreams either wearing off in time or just not happening, but I don’t see how I’d ever be “ok” with being stuck in rentals all our lives while we struggle our asses off. A home of our own just isn’t going to “get old” or “wear off” me. But that’s exactly why I’m afraid we’re going to end up struggling in rentals – because it’s not what we want. So far California has been everything we didn’t plan it to be and nothing we planned it to be. The only nice surprise is that we ended up in a rural place, but even that has its flaws. Look at all the barking we get half the time. We didn’t come here to struggle like bums and to continue on uninsured. We came here to get ahead in life thinking there’d be more opportunities down here to do so. Yet the economy goes and collapses, he gets laid off, and few jobs offer insurance these days anyway. If you can find a job with insurance, you’re lucky!

I’m just so afraid to hope and to dream because all I have to go by are the past patterns I see, and those patterns aren’t very encouraging, even if I may be glad things worked out the way they did in a lot of ways. Still, I was supposed to marry a woman and have artificial insemination with her while I worked as a singer. Instead, I married a guy and had no kids, though I can’t say I skipped out on singing entirely. I did sing and dance at various clubs for a while, but ended up dancing more than singing since back in those days dancing was what I was better at, unlike today. Today I am no better or worse than any ole generic singer out there, but haven’t wanted a career as a singer, small-time or big-time, for many years now. It totally figures, though, that I would have to get this good AFTER losing interest in the idea of singing professionally. Yet back when I was keen on the idea and still smoking, I was just so-so.

Anyway, I think I would have ended up disliking a career as a singer that extended past nightclubs, and motherhood too, even though there’s no way I can ever know for sure just what these things would have been like had they happened. It just has to be me wanting it to make it not happen.

Expect the unexpected in life. I’ve learned that this is really all we can do. Not that some of those unexpected things in life that come our way aren’t great, but that’s the way life seems to be so much of the time – what we didn’t plan on. We fall in love with people we don’t plan on loving – might not even want to love – and we end up doing things we don’t want to do in life and going places we don’t want to go.

I wouldn’t trade Tom for the world. I wanted to quit smoking and lose weight and I did. I planned to learn other languages and I did. But Tom and I certainly never planned to be on unemployment for over a year! We’re not as broke as we were, but are we really ever going to get ahead in life? And for more than 5 minutes?

It just depresses me to know that if I aim for A, B, and C when I go into a particular situation, chances are I’m going to end up with D, E and F, even if D, E and F aren’t always so bad and sometimes even better.

From a logical standpoint, there’s no reason we couldn’t get a house in a few years. Yet if there’s one thing I’ve learned in life it’s that just because something seems logical, fair or makes sense, doesn’t mean it’s going to happen.

I think I mentioned before that I took down all but my bio blog. My old journals just weren’t written with the idea of putting them online. It’d be too much work to change names and addresses and stuff like that, so I’m just going to share some excerpts here and there. I will do a cruise entry soon enough.

I still can’t decide if I really do want a dog for sure, and if I do, do I want a small one or a big one? I wish I could have both but within the same dog! I want one big enough to play with outdoors and that will run with me, but that I could magically shrink to toy poodle size upon entering the house. Yeah, I know. Me and my impossible dreams, LOL.

Finding a small dog might be a bit of a challenge out here cuz no one wants them. They all want big dogs they can throw outside 24/7.

Swapped emails with D and Paul, and that’s pretty much it. Tom and I aren’t doing much other than the usual stuff we do and trying to stick to our diets. He wants to lose 50-70 pounds and I’d like to lose 10-15.

I am enjoying, however, our nice warm, sunny afternoon that probably won’t last long since the rain should be back to get us again soon enough.

Later…

Tom Lowe the mystery/thriller writer friended me on Facebook! Woo-hoo, a real author! Somehow I doubt he friended me cuz he thinks I’m cute or look great with auburn hair. While I’ll admit I’ve never heard of him before today, it’s quite flattering to get an invite from him as someone who also loves to write herself. That is just so cool! I thanked him on his wall and he replied. When established writers friend me – wow – that’s just quite a compliment! Woo-hoo! dances with delight

I know I promised a cruise entry soon, but I didn’t realize how long those excerpts were, so it will have to wait till I get around to proofreading that part of my journals. It will probably be several months before I get to it.