I feel like a total jerk for going off on D yesterday. I misread her and jumped the gun like I sometimes accuse her of doing. I was falsely under the impression that she was pissed because I wasn’t always there to respond to her messages right away after she made a comment about being sorry that she no longer rocks my world when I said I was busy. Then some time went by when she didn’t respond to my own message and I let her have it for “punishing” me with the silent treatment, since after all, it’s a crime to have a life that extends beyond email, right? LOL

Then it hit me (too late) that something may be wrong. And there was. Lena, the girl she used to work with fucked her over and made me fantasize about ramming their head through a brick wall (sorry Eileen). She set D up by arranging a date at her place. When D got to her house, though, she ran and hid.

Anyway, she didn’t respond to my message right away because her phone died and failed to alert her.

We chatted live about what was eating at her and I reminded her that she doesn’t have to always go it alone. I can’t always do anything to change or fix her problems, but I can at least listen. I was glad that our chat made her feel better, but I still felt bad for being such a rude jerk.

Then it hit me that I could easily give Lena a little “payback” and offered to send a wacky, senseless letter much like Andy and I used to prank people with. So I wrote one up and sent it to D first for her approval. She said, “OMG, that was so fucking funny!” after she read it, and went on to add that I was a talented writer, etc. Yeah, I think I did a good job of it, too!

I dreamt that Tom came out and said, “Hey, I checked your email and updated your journal for you since it’s been months since you’ve bothered to go into them, and your friends are all looking for you.”

I replied with, “Okay, maybe I’ll stop in and say hi since they’re probably a bit worried by now.”

It was so strange because I would never just up and abandon my accounts like that. If a week goes by that I don’t update this journal and I haven’t mentioned moving or going on vacation, then something’s wrong.

The Bookmania did shut down after all, and I’m still waiting to see if my story gets accepted on that UK author’s site. I’m starting to have my doubts the more I check out other writers. They’re pretty good!

sighs Less than two hours to go and the peace will be gone. That is if Jesse is working and he usually is. Weekdays are still better than weekends because there’s more predictability in them. During the weekday I know he’s not likely to be down here if he’s at work, and I know that the barking is going to go on from about 5am to 5pm. I just hope it stops in April like it did last year! It was, however, surprisingly quiet when he was out yesterday. I got up at 4pm and figured he’d be in for good by then. The fact that it was quiet made me think that even more. But then I heard him come in on the motorcycle an hour later. I wonder if someone was there while he was out because it sure was quiet.

Later…

Swapped messages with my favorite New Yorker and Welsh guy, and now I’m busy fucking up at work. Yeah, they had a ton of quarter jobs where you gotta judge search results’ relevancy and they keep track of your accuracy rate. Why they need people to do this if they already have the answers is beyond me, but my score went down to 76% and I figured I’d better quit before it went down anymore and they rejected me altogether. This means deciding to waste my time instead of paying me. There should be surveys and other jobs out now, so I’ll go do those. I’ve already made good money today so it really doesn’t matter. It’s just something to do till I crash. I’ll just look for Firefox skins if there’s no work.

Later…

Okay, the back of my monitor is all clear so it’s safe to write now. I swear, ever since the spider nest thing I’ve been checking it every day! And I make Tom check his, too.

The UK author site did accept my story, but the problem is that it’s too big. They asked me to break it down and post it in chunks, but then I decided not to bother. I’m still not only hesitant to share my work for free with just anyone and everyone, but I also only have two weeks to access the site and almost one of it is gone. Besides, I have enough critics and that’s Tom and my closest friends. If I want opinions on whatever, I can go to them.

I’m once again asking myself if I really want to bother losing weight. Tom says I don’t need to, but you know we women always think we could afford to lose more. The question is do I want to? Do I really care if I’m an eyesore to society? If I were young and single, then yes, I would. But as a 44-year-old married woman, I’m not so sure. Unlike 20 years ago or so, if someone came up to my face right now and said, “You’re a fat, ugly, disgusting thing to see,” they may as well be telling me they had chicken for dinner last night because it wouldn’t faze me. I would simply respond with, “So? So don’t look if you don’t like what you see.”

But I also don’t like being out of shape either and being bogged down by the extra weight. When I was up around the 150-marker just bending over to trim my toenails was a bit of a reach. I couldn’t even stand to wear my wedding ring it was so damn tight.

So I guess I’ll just try to maintain the lost weight even if I don’t lose anymore. The problem is that even that’s getting to be a challenge lately. It’s struggling to come up. It’s like my body’s crying out, “Hey, I can’t stay down here anymore! Let me up, let me up!” I’ve jumped to 129 pounds. I usually slam on 3-4 pounds of water weight before my period, so I’m sure some of it is due to that since my period is on for the 23rd.

It was a warm one out there today and we blew the broken heater’s pilot out. When we need heat again next October or November we’ll call Jesse down to fix it.