I don’t know why, but the pictures I sent a few people of my new shoes were zipped. The old Yahoo showed thumbnails in the email messages themselves and their slideshow actually worked too, but with the new one, you have to download and unzip them which is pretty fucked up. I’m sick of all the site changes and having unwanted changes forced on me! They rearrange the buttons and take away features that really come in handy and it’s totally frustrating! As soon as I get used to the latest version, they change it again.

I worry my online life is coming to an end anyway. As I figured would be the case, the new modem hasn’t helped make our connection any less reliable. If anything things are worse and I can’t stay on long enough to do much of anything. Tom believes it’s their line and that they’ll fix it since every time they’ve come out before and have found a problem they’ve fixed it, but then we have problems again in just a few weeks to a few months. I still say it’s the nature of DSL and that as long as we live here, which will no doubt be more years than I care to think of right now, we’ll never have a reliable connection.

I’m excited to know we’ve got $500 on the way, but still stressed, pissed and frustrated to be stuck in the same fucking rut day after day, month after month, year after year. How many more years will Tom be forced to make a career out of being unemployed? How many more years before he’s forced to retire because there simply isn’t any work? How many more years will we struggle and remain trapped with shit for options in life as far as where we go and what we do? How many more years before I snap and hurt someone or kill myself? If good things happen to bad people and bad things happen to good people, maybe I ought to just turn myself into this vicious, cold-hearted bitch. Maybe then our luck will change. Nane’s 51st birthday is next month. Why don’t I just dump her as a birthday present? Maybe that will make things better for us if I just become a bad person and start shitting on people left and right. After all, Nane’s worst crime is not keeping in touch as much as I’d like her to, so why don’t I just be done with her and her associates and just move on? She obviously doesn’t want to be friends anyway.

I’m just sick of the same old shit. Yes, it’s nice that I’ve been on a roll with the wins again (hey, I’m psychic, what do you expect?) but I’m sick of waiting for change that never comes! Fuck life and everything else! If I have to keep living life feeling like some puppet on a string that can never be in the driver’s seat of her own life, then what’s the point of living? If I deserve to live like this then maybe I don’t deserve to live at all.

Speaking of Nane’s associates, why have I stopped hearing from Irene? She used to “like” and comment on so much of my stuff, but lately I haven’t heard much of anything and I wonder if maybe I said the wrong thing (about Nane?) in one of our private messages. I sent her a message apologizing for anything I may’ve said that might’ve offended her unless she’s just been busy. But she was on after I sent the message and ignored it. Just in case the message failed to make it to her, I posted it to her wall.

I tried to make it as an author but I failed. So I’ll be giving up writing for a while until and if I want to write something just for fun.

One of the very few other things I can be glad for is that in the end, I’m glad I got my tooth pulled. It’s so nice to be able to have a mouthful of something hot or cold and not go through the roof with pain! I still can’t believe that one tooth can raise so much hell and make it seem like multiple teeth are a problem. I thought something was wrong with my ear, too.

Jesse came down yesterday (yeah, I knew it would be any time now) saying he had no water. The stupid cock did something to drain the tank, I guess, but we haven’t had any problems down here. He did switch over to the ditch, though, which he threw tons of bleach in so the water sort of stinks. I smelled like I came out of a swimming pool instead of the shower this morning.

I’m still losing weight, but am doing so in small increments. I’m now down to 37.4 pounds with a long, long way to go yet. I’m now running at 5 MPH, but not consistently during my entire 20-minute workout. It’s a tremendous amount of hard work and hunger. No wonder most people would rather just stay heavy. The various workouts I do take quite a bit of strength and endurance, but it’s simple compared to being hungry so much of the time. Once I get about halfway through my day the hunger turns itself on pretty much like a switch and stays with me throughout the rest of the day.

I’m just trying to make the best of this overall shitty situation I’m in because I don’t think I have much longer to live. Hell, I’ve wanted to kill myself on and off since I was around 13 years old. And each year that I continue to see that I don’t have much say in what happens to me, the more I think about it. So I guess it’s safe to say it’s just a matter of time now. I doubt I’ll make it to 50.

As soon as I can get online to post this, I will, but due to not being able to get on so much of the time these days, I may be making fewer journal entries. I may drop to every other day instead of every day, but we’ll see.

Later…

“I tell you, you’re more psychic than even you realize,” Tom said when I couldn’t boot my laptop after getting in a foul mood over some site changes along with a few other reasons. “It’s obvious.”

The way he said this cracked me up in a fit of laughter for some reason. The laptop booted after I started laughing.

He laughed too, then said, “I’m not saying there still isn’t a problem with the lines here, but notice that the better a mood you’re in the longer our connection hangs on before it drops? How many more years must I point this out to you and remind you of things like how your wins stopped when you were in pain with your tooth and the misfortune that befell those who pissed you off?”

“Don’t forget the run-over dogs and the flipped landlords,” I said, laughing some more.

Yeah, ironically enough one of Jesse’s dogs was run over out on the main road a while back after the three of them were driving me absolutely crazy barking and howling up a storm. Then shortly after Jesse was driving me just as crazy with the bulldozer for something like 5 hours a day for nearly a week, he went roll, roll, roll his car not so gently down the freeway. He says a deer popped out at him, but Tom thinks a certain someone whose nerves he grated on wasn’t a good concoction when mixed with a high alcohol content. Running over dogs and flipping landlords was never part of the plan, though, as annoying as they can get. It’s not something I consciously will myself to do is what I’m saying. Neither is all the winning for that matter. It’s all about my moods. For some reason, they cause effects much more extreme than most people’s moods/attitudes.

“And do you notice this is more of a curse than a blessing?” I said to him. “Look how often I’m in a foul mood lately as opposed to a good one.”

I was in one seriously foul mood earlier!

I know I said I’d dump Nane because I was upset, but that would be mean. From around my mid-20s to my early 40s I was quick to dump people for the dumbest of reasons and was a very unforgiving person. I have been determined to break that pattern, and those who have forgiven me for my own imperfections helps me want to treat people better all the more.

So much for cutting back on my entries, shitty connection or not. I just had to write. And when the mood strikes I like to get things into print while they’re still fresh on my mind.