I prefer busyness to boredom, but this never getting any time alone with an always-home husband and always being on the go is starting to get to me. As soon as I think I can finally relax, I remember one more thing I’ve got to do. Right now I could stand an entire week alone without seeing a single soul no matter how much I loved them and no matter how good-looking or sweet they may be. I expect to be pretty active my first few hours of the day sweeping, running, etc., but I swear if we were between rats now I’d seriously consider not getting another pet for a while. I’m too busy to even give my own rat much attention!

I work so much better when I’m alone. It’s hard to clean with Tom in the way and we have to make arrangements for him to be elsewhere since there’s only so much one can do to get out of the way in such a tiny place. I also think better when I’m alone and working on the computer doing various tasks. When he’s asleep that’s one thing, but when he’s awake, hearing his movements out in the other room often distracts me or when he’s got to tell or ask me something.

I’m thrilled at the great pay his upcoming job will bring, but it sucks to know I’ll be sleeping throughout most of the time he’s working and that it’s only for a week or two. It’s like the more I try to get away from people the more they’re shoved in my face! I tell myself it’s better than being in a jail cell where I’m forced to interact with strangers round the clock, or us being holed up in a motel room or a 20’ RV like we were when we first went to Oregon, but this is getting annoying enough.

He has tried for 4 years now to land a permanent position. For 4 years! But since he hasn’t managed to yet, chances are he never will and will only be able to work a few months here and there till he retires. A couple of weeks a month is better than nothing if that’s all he can ever get, but I miss the days when he worked 40 hours a week! It was the perfect mix of together/alone time for me. But here he is virtually retired at age 54 and it’s NOT because we came into a lot of money or because we had any success with a home business.

Another thing I’m tired of and that I’m trying to remind myself could be worse is the way we’ve had to live with others either attached or on the same property since 2004. Again, it makes me feel like there’s no escaping people and like they’re being forced on me. I just want to be alone more and not have to share this and to share with other tenants or landlords. Why is that so damn much to ask for and to get in this life???

Even if by some miracle he got a permanent job and they paid him a fortune, it would still be too risky to get a bigger, newer place (which may or may not be a hell of a lot noisier than this place ever gets) because if they decided to fire him or lay him off a year or two down the road, since no job lasts forever, we’d be fucked. It’s a no-win situation either way. If we stay cramped in here with pesky Jesse, we’re safer. If we dare venture out to where the grass is a little greener, whatever the hell that’s out there that hates us so much could really use that as an opportunity to make our lives hell.

“You just have to accept things as they are,” people have told me. “You try something for a while and then if it doesn’t work out you move on and accept it as it is. No one loves their job or has the perfect place to live. No one has the perfect, ideal anything.”

Yes, I know this. But then why is it so damn hard to just accept that most things are out of our hands and just live with whatever hand I’m dealt with in life, shitty or not? Why must I keep wishing things were different at least in some ways? I should feel so, so lucky that we found this place for a zillion different reasons. And wouldn’t most people be thrilled to have their landlord close by for emergencies? Really, what’s wrong with me? Why can’t I just accept what I don’t have and be grateful for what I do have???

But I’m sick of getting the opposite of what I want so much of the time. Why do beautiful people I want to be friends with like Nane ignore me most of the time while I’ve got a sick, ugly, obsessed stalking troll that never misses a word I write in my blog? Really, why is it I can only have the regular attention of the crazies??? I’m still not sure she really reads it that thoroughly, though. I still think she basically scans for anything about herself, Alison, Kim or Kathy, but the point is the same. She rarely misses a day but I’ll bet I could count on one hand how many times Nane’s viewed it.

I still wonder what the hell is going on with Maliheh. I heard from her yesterday, which is nice. She thanked me for sending the journals and says she enjoys reading them, but it seems she never has much energy. I wonder just what it is that’s been ailing her and when and if she’ll get better.