Got up at 3am again and Tom got up just a few hours later and once again I’m sick of not having much space! Will somebody just give the guy a fucking job?! Even those we never fight with are hard to have around day after day after day with my only alone time being when he’s asleep or out running errands that barely take an hour to run. I couldn’t imagine life without him but really, it gets old when he’s always right there. I’m the type that could spend weeks totally alone and Tom’s the only one I could stand to live with so far in the first place. I would never want a roommate if I were single. Back when he worked it was the perfect balance of alone time and togetherness as far as I was concerned. I have a feeling, though, that the economy is going to force him to have to retire. Along with all the discrimination going on out there for whites and older people. This really sucks, too! I wasn’t supposed to feel “smothered” by his constant presence till he was 65 or 66, but here he is always home in his 50s. He’s now been unemployed for 2½ of the 4 years we made the mistake of coming to this state. The state I dreamt of living in ever since I was a kid. It goes to show once again that dreams simply aren’t reality. Instead, reality is everything we least expect in life. The “right” friends/lovers are usually the ones who seek us out, not the ones we seek out. The “right” jobs usually come to us by accident even if they’re not quite what we had in mind to begin with. And forget about looking for those belongings you can’t find; you’ll find them by accident when you aren’t looking for them.

When Irene first approached me online I almost pushed her away. Today I’m very glad I didn’t now that I’ve gotten to know how sweet and kind she truly is. I approached Nane and we’ve been “friends” for about a year now. But if I suddenly dropped off the face of the earth I doubt she’d ever even notice.

So my life will certainly continue to consist mostly of what I don’t expect or want. This means Tom won’t be back at work anytime soon, though months ago my dreams and vibes said September was when he’d be able to get a job. I know they’ll just lay him off again a few months later, but a few months here and a few months there till he’s supposed to retire is better than nothing.

As for my writing – fuck it. I’ll never make much money there. In fact, I’m thinking of taking a break from writing for a while after I finish the story I’ve been struggling to finish. It’s hard to stay focused when you’re so busy and you have a lot going on even if you don’t have a life at the same time. We can’t make be what isn’t meant to be anyway. Making much at writing is like winning the lottery. :(

Just like some people have trouble organizing their belongings, I have trouble organizing my time. I’ve fallen into a bit of a routine for the first few hours of my day. When I get up I have my coffee, then I enter sweeps. After that, I eat, run and shower. But I need to learn to make better use of my time after that’s done. Maybe it would help if I set aside a certain amount of time to dedicate to certain things like my book and things like that.

Not much else is going on other than nearly getting assaulted by a wasp when I got up. I headed into the bathroom and didn’t have my glasses on so I thought it was just some kind of moth at first.