Okay, now that I’m fairly recharged once again I’m doing this entry from my skier. I moved it closer to my laptop so I could be closer to the microphone and improve the accuracy of the speech-to-text.

I crashed in the late afternoon and woke up one hour later at which time I had some turkey and tea. I fell back asleep an hour or two later without taking the melatonin I considered taking. Nothing woke me up. I just woke up just because on and off and then I took my meds at 12:30. I got up for good at 2:30.

I’m taking advantage of being mostly recharged and doing as much cleaning as I can because the back-and-forth cycle I’ve been on means there’s a good chance I’ll be exhausted tomorrow and have to waste the day laying around again.

To ask if I’m sleep-cursed is like asking if water is wet. The answer is more than obvious. The reason why is not. The only time I slept well was between something like 1986 and 1990. Looking back at the pattern throughout my life it’s clearly obvious that there is a pattern. First I struggled to fall asleep and get up for school, then when the 90s began I started getting woken up a little more and then I was woken up like crazy when 1992 came around and I hit the NHA in Connecticut. Then I continued to sleep shitty in the Phoenix apartments with my sleeping improving once I got into the house. Then I slept worse in Maricopa where I had pigs, sonic booms, and dogs that would come barking onto the land and waking me up. Then I slept really shitty in jail and on the Oregon mountain between his movements in the RV, the rats, my airbed springing leaks, the freezing cold, my sound machine making a strange loud sound when its batteries would be low, and then whatever the hell that wild animal was that would bang around underneath the RV. Then I slept a little better in the hotels and duplex, though not great, and even better in the house. Then we changed states again and once again my sleep was worse, remaining that way until we hit the trailer. Then we came here and it’s the worst it’s been since we lived attached to others in either apartments or duplexes. A retirement community is the last place on earth I would ever have expected to be woken up so damn much. And just when I was doing better!

Our goal is to install new windows and turn the loud vehicles into Laubsaugers, as I still call the loud blowers the park uses, thanks to Nane. Those are pretty loud and yet the sound machine drowns them out. If the new windows and everything we have planned can reduce the noise from OMG insanely loud to just loud, then if anything steals my sleep it won’t be the traffic. It’s one thing to ruin my peace and another to steal my sleep. I would rather double up on the kinds of sounds that can be drowned out by the sound machine and sleep better if I had to choose.

Speaking of sounds, I wonder how many more months they’re going to be prepping that house for sale. He thinks they could be done by Thanksgiving. No way. I say it will go on at least until the end of the year. There’s no doubt that I’m going to have to listen to a new roof being banged down on top of all the other projects they’re doing. I’m sure they’ll want to repaint both inside and out and install new carpet, too. I’m just so sick of how there’s always something going on around here. Always. Like I said, before coming here loud vehicles, constant landscaping, and regular projects weren’t an issue. The last two were a little bit of an issue in the Phoenix apartments, but that was nothing compared to here.

I was so rundown and exhausted yesterday that I thought I could take a nap, but as Tom pointed out, I was more tired than sleepy. The new sound machine came and soon I will experiment with it and see if it will help or not. This is the one you stick inside your pillowcase. The only thing is that it’s a bit high-tech compared to other sound machines I’ve had and it’s cycling through the sounds rather than remaining on one sound. I haven’t figured out yet how to stop this.

We also measured the bedroom windows which are standard width but 15” longer than standard to replace them with custom soundproof windows. We’re waiting for price estimates, but if they’re too expensive, then instead of replacing the old windows, we’ll put a new one in, in addition to the old one for extra barriers since 90% of sound does come in through windows. You can get a standard window for about $160. We’re willing to pay up to $300 per window but my guess is they’re not going to be under $450.

Early yesterday morning we went to the IHOP and I ordered the same thing I had last time. I just wish I had been awake enough to enjoy it more and that the music hadn’t been blasting. I get that the music is so you can’t hear other people talking but if you need it that loud then you’ve either got bionic ears or the person would have to be shouting at the top of their lungs.

I’m behind on several things. I still have to finish my book which I hope to do today and I’ve still got journaling to do. I dumped a lot of content off of PB because it definitely did seem to slow it down.

I’m borderline anxious today but hopefully things won’t escalate to the point where I’m feeling as shitty as I did at the end of last year. I’ll skip doses if I have to. I just hope I don’t have to make any skips so close to labs. I think part of what’s got me wound up and that’s interfering with my sleep is my upcoming lab and PCP appointment. Today I will be canceling the shrink. I can’t believe there isn’t a convenient way to cancel online. That was the only thing better about Sutter; their online portal was much better.

My boobs are now really sore and it’s hard to believe I won’t have a period within a week or two. Even though I’m coming up on five months without a period, you know the past always has a way of returning to haunt me. Also, I still can’t be sure that the anxiety will ever be gone for good. I still may struggle with that on and off for the rest of my life. I sure as hell hope not, though! Yes, I would rather be exhausted.

I got a couple of weird emails, one confirming my subscription to a gay forum I never subscribed to, and a Lisa asking why I’m bothering her and sending her so much stuff. It was also sent to other people. I showed it to Tom and he thinks it’s just a phishing scam and not anyone trying to mess with me personally.

I’m expecting the screensaver to kick in and disable the speech-to-text any second because it does this every nine minutes. It still makes the time on the skier so much less boring and it goes so much faster this way, too. Every day that I have the energy to do so, I want to work out at least an hour a day to help lower my LDL score. It doesn’t burn the kind of calories that running does but at least this way I can’t say I sit too much.

Although I still don’t know what it is, Ray definitely has something against me because he never messaged me directly. At least not intentionally he hasn’t. It’s still on him, whatever it is, but I wonder if someone complained about him or someone he knows and he thinks it’s me.

I still also sense Carolyn isn’t too fond of me maybe because I’m liberal. Or because I’m younger and smaller? Because they got complaints about their shrubs and we didn’t? Just like with Ray, it’s on her. I’m just the curious type, as always.

I’m really getting tired of being ignored and blown off by Tammy. It makes me wonder how much she really wants to be a part of my life. On the other hand, less contact, less opportunity for misunderstandings or any drama like that.

As for Aly, I’m okay with whatever she chooses to do in the end. That too, is on her. I apologized for my mistakes, and while I wasn’t the perfect friend, I think I was still a pretty good friend overall. That’s all I can say and do. The rest is up to her. I do appreciate, however, reconnecting with Kim and I hope we will continue to get along. Should our friendship fall through a second time, though, I would like to think she’d handle it differently by not stalking and harassing me.

And now for the dreams I’ve had the last few nights. Two nights ago we must’ve been living in the country again because Tom parked his car down the end of a long winding driveway in the woods.

Then I dreamed he Skyped me that he would call and cancel A. I hope that doesn’t mean I’m not going to be able to see her but right now it’s looking good.

Pretty sure I also had some dream pertaining to Kathleen who didn’t seem as eager to see me. That pretty much tells me something I already figured.

Then some younger woman who was driving me somewhere seemed to really like me. A split second later we were out of the car and she was starting to kiss me or something like that.

Then there was something about Mary sleeping over (the one from jail). I was living with my parents again and she was to spend the night in my room and in my bed next to me for the kind of sleepover one would have as a kid.

Then I was walking through a large room in a house in which I could see into a smaller corner room that was off of it. I looked in and at the back corner of the room and thought it looked so far away.

I’ve now done 25 minutes on the skier. I never would’ve had the patience to do that if I was reading, watching a show or listening to music!