It’s looking like I now know which doll I’m going to get and where I’m going to get her from. I’m going to get her directly from a factory in China. Her beautiful Asian face is relatively new from what I could tell during my many months of research. She wears glossy pink lipstick and purple eyeshadow. You can see part of her upper front teeth, too. Chunghua is her ugly name.

When I first found her I didn’t like the body she was in. It was too tall and too disproportionate. Super tits with a 19-inch waist. But then last night I found a site where I could customize her, though she’ll still be a bit heavy. She’s made of TPE which is softer than silicone and she’ll be 5‘3” tall, 74 pounds, and her approximate measurements will be 34-24-34.

Tom was impressed with their site because you don’t even have to give them a credit card number since they do Amazon payments. I don’t like that she’s $1500, but I’ve been wanting one of these dolls since 2005 and this may be the only chance I’ll ever get.

It’s raining hard now, so we got back from the store just in time. Love how it’s keeping things quieter. Just as long as the roof doesn’t leak! We grabbed a few things from Raleys, plus browsed the dollar store. Didn’t find anything there, though.

The bad news is that not only does my back still hurt, but I had a little more than just spotting. Still haven’t needed a big pad, though. I’m too old for this shit! It’s a reminder that just because something hasn’t been around for a while doesn’t mean you’ve escaped it forever. I suppose the return of the anxiety is next.

Realizing I never actually researched the accuracy of the pullout method, I decided to Google it out of curiosity and was surprised to find that it’s more effective than I thought if done properly, and of course, Tom didn’t “pull out.” He simply didn’t cum. It’s 76% - 98% effective. So that led me to wonder once again, was he the one that kept me from getting pregnant or was it really the DES or something else? Nothing can change the past but that doesn’t mean I’m still not curious about things. I’m also still glad we never had a kid in the end as I know I would have hated motherhood. I just regret the emotional hell I went through. I’ll never be okay with that any more than I’ll ever be okay with what my mother did to me, being denied normal sex/lust, what the people in Arizona did to me, the unnecessary poverty trips, my sleep disorder, or the physical and psychological torture of the last few years. It was never okay and it never will be no matter how much things may change or improve.

But then he did cum a few times, and while it was only a few, some of those times were when I was mid-cycle. So it’s one of those things I can never know for sure.