Since Tom never uses his Facebook account, we agreed to have me deactivate it for him. One less account for the black bitch to block. Really wish I’d thought to ask him about killing his account before she blocked him but oh well.

On Aly’s other Twitter account she talks of her New Year’s resolutions and one of them is getting rid of toxic things (and people). Can’t help but wonder if I’m one of those toxic people, even though we haven’t been arguing about anything, but I have been dumped by her before and deemed toxic and depressing. If she dumps me, she dumps me. Tom’s the only person that matters while others are just a bonus that can do what they want. Still prefer to remain friends with her but I’m used to being dumped and the older I get, the less seriously I take most things.

The planes are running later and driving me crazier. There is no escaping the fucking things. Twice I filled out noise complaint forms online at the airport site and twice I’ve been ignored. I’d like to think it’s just a holiday thing but this actually started around September. I think they changed flight paths and that this is the way it’s going to be indefinitely. It’s sad that something up there feels I should be so damn cursed with noise that I can’t even have peace at night anymore. The one thing I used to look forward to was the peacefulness of the nighttime but now that too, is gone. The best I can do is hope I don’t hear them in the summer like we don’t hear the freeway at that time.

Going to be seeing the nurse in 9 hours about my blood pressure and we may stop at Goodwill on the way back. Depends on how tired I am. I got up at 10 which means I’ll sleep through New Year’s on the East Coast and won’t be able to watch the ball go down in Times Square live, but I’ll be up in time for New Year’s here which is a good thing in case fireworks wake me up.

Last night’s dream was pretty gross. We decided to shop for rats and for some reason we thought white rats were our only option where we went. Tom asked a young girl sitting at a desk for a white rat and she said we had to go pick one out ourselves. He seemed annoyed with this answer but didn’t say anything. So we went into this room where another woman that I seemed to know and like sat behind another desk assisting customers. I waved to her on my way in, not sure she saw me. Then I was delighted to find a cage full of rats with all different colors and markings. I was even happier to find my favorite, a cinnamon rat.

Yet once I got home I fried and ate the poor thing, saying that it didn’t look like a cinnamon or a Berkshire and that I should have gotten two of them since I ended up eating one. It seemed to look and taste like fried chicken. Gross dream!

Began watching You which Aly recommended a while back. I haven’t seen enough of it to really judge it but it totally figures that they had to reference hate groups like BLM and make other small but obvious references to race.

Not much to update on other than that we ran out to Sam’s yesterday and probably won’t be going anywhere today.

It was so fucking cold yesterday morning! Just so fucking cold! It was 37° but it felt like 20°.

The planes were surprisingly quiet when I got up at 9pm but by 11:30, they were back at it.

Had some weird dreams last night. In one dream, Bob and Virginia’s place was set back further and in a different direction rather than in line with our house. They had a second building in front of their place which I’d never been in but wondered what was inside. Then one time I was walking between the places when they had the blinds open to one of the windows and I could see a beautiful and elegantly decorated room. I thought how it didn’t surprise me that they’d set up such a nice room in this building.

Then a second later I was actually inside the room watching TV with Bob, Virginia and Jim. Bob lifted a heavy footstool and placed it in front of his chair and Jim chuckled and chastised him for lifting objects heavier than he should be lifting at his age.

In the second dream, we were living who knows where. It almost looked like the Phoenix house but the back door was in the wrong place. It was off the second bedroom. We left this door open, expecting to be back from wherever we went a lot sooner than we were. I went back to the house myself to get something and check on things while I was at it, worried someone may have gotten in during our absence.

When I got inside the house it was just getting light out and when I went to flick the light switches on I noticed the power was out in some of the rooms. When I checked the master bedroom I could just make out the sleeping form of someone in the bed.

“Who are you?!” I suddenly shouted, startling the person from their sleep. I jumped on the bed and said, “Get over here! Get out now!”

As I pulled them out into the hallway I could see a young skinny guy with dark eyes and dark curly hair. He started off at my height but then seemed to grow a little taller. I demanded to know who he was and ordered him to get out or else I would call the cops.

He insisted he at least use the bathroom and take a quick shower first. I told him to hurry up and that I was throwing him out afterward.

While he was in the bathroom, first I checked to make sure nothing was stolen and then I gathered some old food we didn’t want, including a half-eaten loaf of bread that was on the verge of expiring. I threw the stuff in a bag and handed it to him on his way out.

“You’re lucky I’m not calling the cops,” I told him. “Instead, I’ve written a name and number on this piece of paper.”

I handed it to him along with the bag and said, “Let’s continue talking outside.”

Relieved that I didn’t have to physically fight to force him outside of the house, I told him to call the number on the paper and ask for the name next to it.

He kept his eyes on me and I told him, “Look at the paper.”

He slowly turned toward the paper and took it as if it was a real chore and a burden for him to do so, not bothering to hide his lack of interest and lack of gratitude for my help.

“The second name is mine. Tell the woman I referred you and she’ll help you get on your feet. For now, get out of here and don’t come back. You’re welcome, too.”

The dream ended with me watching the guy quietly shuffle around the corner and wondering if I would regret either not calling the cops or beating the shit out of him.

Perhaps if it wasn’t for the fact that I slept on and off forever, I wouldn’t have hit 150.6 for the first time since late 2016. If it isn’t the medication then I’m definitely liking this new disease, whatever it is, LOL. It both makes sense and doesn’t. Of course a faster metabolism means you should lose weight if you’re active and not overeating. But then why didn’t I lose weight before when I wasn’t going thyrotoxic? It also seems like my calorie intake is still a bit high for weight loss. Even when I was young it took about 1000 calories to lose weight yet I’m still closer to 1500. It’s going very slow, though, like it always would when I would lose weight. If I lose any more it should be a while before I slip into the 140s and therefore no longer obese. Then again, I was never literally “obese” if you go by my inches and not my weight since muscle weighs more than fat. But I could definitely stand to lose 20 to 30 lb. I’m just worried about how it may affect how my meds affect me. I don’t think I’ll lose that much, though. Tom can see 5 to 10 lb. Well, the highest I’ve then upon waking up was 156.

Not only is losing weight without trying and without going hyper a bit weird but so is my memory loss, regular fatigue and feeling a bit off-balance. These can be signs of a brain tumor or Parkinson’s. We’re thinking the dizziness and fatigue could be my high BP but I’m really nervous about my next set of thyroid numbers, particularly my T4 hitting 1.4. So much for hoping vitamin D would help with sleep and energy, though. I knew those two days of decent sleep and energy were flukes. Tiredness is the norm, not the exception. IDK, maybe I really could have sleep apnea and not know it. Will have to mention it to my ENT in May.

I was watching a random YouTube video on alcohol hacks and one of them said that it soothes the skin. So I put it on my groin rash and while I can still see it, it definitely feels better.

Tom said he and Bob waved to each other when he was going to the house across from him but they weren’t close enough to talk. Tom was at the mailboxes. I haven’t had a chance to get over there, thanks to my fucking schedule. After these many days, I would say it’s safe to assume Virginia is still alive no matter where she is. I would think his place would be swarming with visitors if she had died and Bob definitely would have made a point of saying something to Tom.

Got my new nightgown and it fits perfectly even if the sleeves are a bit long. Love my Pilates ring as well which will be great for working my inner thighs since that particular exercise on the Bowflex is a bit tricky. It’s too easy to get hurt and pull a muscle because you have to work one leg at a time. But this way I can put the ring between my knees and squeeze evenly with both legs.

I’m glad that women didn’t lose their rights in Ohio as they nearly did due to that ridiculous heartbeat bill. The way they claim a heartbeat makes it a person is utterly asinine. My betta has a heartbeat but that doesn’t make it a person. What’s a little scary is how narrowly it escaped being passed. I don’t understand why abortion is getting increasingly frowned upon these days. Most men are no less resistant to the idea of having kids than they’ve always been and women are choosing careers over family more and more whether or not they’re in a relationship. So what’s the problem then?

Aly agrees with Tom in that not all obits are listed if the family doesn’t want one listed. There was never one for Aly’s grandfather or a former classmate who died. But would Miss Perfect choose not to list the queen for some reason? His brother Ray was listed but that would’ve been up to his wife Nora, not Miss Perfect.

Still haven’t heard from Kim but Aly did yesterday. She’s been busy as her family is not only rearranging her room but they do a few celebrations with different family members. Wonder how she managed to hide her Kindle with them reorganizing her room?

Lying in bed without air cleaners or sound machines and listening to the nonstop whooshing sound of the freeway along with the planes. With 20-something years left to live, I realize I really ought to get used to it once and for all. The world gets noisier with time, not quieter. If we do manage to nab a place quieter than this someday, it can’t be by very much.

Woke up with that drugged, groggy, dizzy feeling after sleeping at least somewhat shitty. I woke up in the middle of my sleep with a bit of a stuffy nose so I took baby Benadryl after I got up to pee. It just doesn’t make sense that I would wake up this out of it, though. I didn’t even feel this out of it after an adult Benadryl would knock me out into a nap. So why do I feel so tired and out of it? I seemed to have slept okay otherwise. Let’s just say this is one of those days I’m glad I don’t have a schedule and therefore a job outside of home.

My blood pressure was better the last few days but I did have neck knockers when I got up. This was probably because I stupidly slammed on some sugar before bed. I was too tired for a full meal and I didn’t think a handful of nuts and cherries would satisfy my hunger, so I went for the Chips Ahoy like an idiot.

I’ve been doing well with not feeling anxious. When I felt traces of it a few days ago I thought I would be in for yet another long drawn-out, nasty spell, but I’m doing okay if only for now.

Interestingly enough I haven’t heard from Kim since Christmas morning. She rarely skips more than a day without contacting me and I’m beginning to wonder if she’s either really sick or they caught her with her Kindle. I asked Aly if she’d heard from her but we’re on opposite schedules now so I don’t expect to hear from her for a while. She’s having a rough time of it herself. Her 70-year-old dad who just retired is having back surgery and back pain galore, and now her boyfriend has the shingles.

I vaguely remember dreaming about Aly visiting but don’t remember any real details about the visit.

LOVE how I can tell Alexa to drop the heat if I don’t remember till after getting on the treadmill.

If I had the memory I used to have, then I would have remembered that Campbell’s couldn’t see my tweet because my Twitter account was private. Thank God for younger friends with better memories to remind me of this! I could take the PQQ that Tom takes which helps his memory but with my medication/supplement phobia, I think I’ll pass since it’s something that’s annoying as opposed to debilitating.

Anyway, I went public and tweeted to them and they replied apologizing and saying they were going to check into it. They asked for my mailing address and the UPC number on the can in a DM because they want to make it right.

After I replied I went private again and the next time I have anything to say to someone like them or want to give a piece of my mind to some fucked-up celebrity or politician, maybe then I’ll finally remember that I have to go public first. Twitter has a pretty screwy system but that’s just the way it is. If I want to tell LeBron James that it’s pretty fucked up that all he has to do is give a phony apology for his anti-Jewish comments while Roseanne Barr loses so much due to the comments she made in regards to blacks because whites are oh so privileged, then I have to go public.

I’ve met some black people who were absolutely wonderful. Just wonderful. But I really have some pretty strong feelings toward them as a whole. Okay, enough black talk. It’ll only piss me off.

Nothing from Kim since Christmas morning but I would have to not hear from her for four or five days before I started to think something might be up. I know and understand that life gets in the way of social media at times, and sometimes people just aren’t in the mood for it. It would take two whole days of not hearing from Aly before I started worrying about her since we do keep in touch more often.

Google Docs was putting all these Auto Recovery files all over my document page so since I have tons of backups online anyway, I decided to unsync my Mac from Google Drive.

I was up late and slept late, though I feel more rested than I’ve felt in several days. I even did a half-hour on the treadmill.

Tom said no one was next door all day. This probably means Virginia is in the hospital. The problem is that I haven’t had a chance to get over and find out what’s going on because by the time anyone is up and about over there in the morning, I’m getting tired and winding down. As soon as my schedule pushes ahead a bit more, I’ll go over there.

Realizing I was dumb enough to have canned soup as well as frozen pizza (bagel bites), which can fuel anxiety, and since it was time to order groceries again anyway, I got foods that are more anxiety-friendly while still going easy on the sodium and cholesterol. I only allowed myself one sugary treat, a tube of M&M’s.

Was worried I’d be in for an anxious night, and I still could be later on, but the walk seemed to help with that. I’ll walk all day and all night if that’s what it takes and I won’t care about sore feet and achy hips either.

Next weekend we’re going to set up the video thing at the health site so that if I have an emergency when I’m home alone, I can sign in to talk to a therapist. Yes, I would prefer to work with Stacey but this way, even though it may be twice as expensive at around $50, he doesn’t have to lose time from work. It would only be for if things turned scary. Anxiety is definitely the worst emotion a human being could ever feel!

Metabolism is definitely picking up. I was within a tenth of hitting down at 150, so I’m down about 5.5 pounds.

All I remember for dreams was sending a letter about who knows what to some TV show host. Might have been a reality series or something like that. The woman actually looked like Kelly Siegler from the reality crime show Cold Justice. I’m not sure what I said in my letter to her but I figured she would blow me off. But then I was out in public somewhere when I saw her drive by and knew she was coming to see me. She wore a silky mauve top with spaghetti straps but that was all I could see of her outfit since she was in a car. So I raced home excitedly to meet her for whatever it was I contacted her about.

Virginia was whisked away by ambulance again last night at 3:30 in the morning. I got up in the early afternoon to heavy rain and haven’t gone over there to find out what’s going on. More than likely she overdoing it trying to prepare for those 26 people that I’m starting to suspect won’t be showing up tomorrow after all. Sure hope it was nothing serious anyway! Don’t know if she’s still in the hospital or back home.

Being Christmas Eve, I’m really hoping the fucking planes will give me the night off since they’ve been really annoying the last few nights but I’m hearing one right now and this is about when they become more annoying until after midnight. As I said, this is the one place I just can’t get any peace at night or day.

I slept so-so. Not bad but not great since I did wake up several times along the way.

OMG, I am so fucking sick of notifications disrupting me when I’m trying to use Google Docs! This is the fourth time between two different people but some notifications I don’t want to turn off and then later forget to turn them back on.

As I was saying until I had my train of thought interrupted, I woke up tired and ended up taking a nap for about an hour or so a couple of hours after getting up. Then I managed to do 23 minutes on the treadmill while I did a puzzle but I’m still tired. I read that it could be connected to hypertension. Tom and I don’t think it’s chronic fatigue because I don’t have some of the symptoms. I know no one gets every symptom but I don’t think it’s that. I sure hope not! My God, I’ve had enough of the health issues! If I’m meant to be tired the rest of my life just like I’m meant to be farsighted, fat and gray, I don’t know if I can ever really get used to it. I hope I can but better yet, I hope I get my energy back someday and for more than 5 minutes. I’m back on vitamin D so we’ll see if that helps.

I also went back on the ACV shots because my skin has been worse since I stopped. I was itching everywhere yesterday. Still with the groin rash that comes and goes. It seems like as soon as I back it off with a mix of hydrocortisone and Gold Bonds, it returns. Am I really that big or is it something else?

I worry about my anxiety being right around the corner waiting to strike again. It just “feels” like it’s close. The thing is that whether or not it’s connected to the medication or something gone haywire with my brain chemistry, there’s nothing I can do about it either way. I need this medication and I can’t rewire my brain, so unless the shrink can find the proper remedy for me without killing me along the way, there isn’t really much I can do about it.

I let Campbell’s Chunky Soup have it on Twitter because they could have choked me to death on the little piece of black plastic I found in my New England clam chowder. I guess the equipment they manufacture things on contains some plastic. When I did a check, I found that they’ve had this problem going back over a decade. Well, you would think they would have gotten their shit together by now and made sure it doesn’t happen again.

In light of someone cloning one of my Facebook friend’s account and attempting to friend me, I would like to warn anybody I’m connected to there that they should never receive a friend request from me. If they do, it isn’t me. I have ONE account with my real name. I’ve had this account for over a decade and I don’t catfish or go account hopping to try to hide or cover my tracks from whatever shady shit these guys do, so please report any friend requests in my name.

I had this weird dream about being on some mostly deserted beach somewhere with Tom and I mentioned something about it being more valuable than other beaches.

“No, it’s in the wood,” Tom told me.

So I started looking for pieces of driftwood to inspect and try to figure out how it may be more valuable than driftwood from other beaches.

Then I had a dream Nane was my girlfriend and I lived with her. Only instead of being a financial advisor, she was a US Marshal. Because she was constantly away from home, I was left alone. I mean really alone. Because of her job, it made me a potential target for retaliation so I had to be hidden away in this small room or house. Although I had everything I needed there, I couldn’t leave the place and felt very alone. It was true solitary confinement.

Due to being isolated for long periods at a time I began to fall into a deep depression and realized that our so-called relationship had to end since she was much more married to her job than she would ever be to me.

When she returned after chasing after some fugitive overseas, she was all excited and greeted me with a smile, saying she had a surprise for me. Then she saw how depressed and out of it I looked and her face turned worried. Regardless, she went on to tell me it was over. She was quitting her job and would now be around for me all the time. I think we both expected me to be excited but at that point, it was like I had given up on us already. The dream ended then so I don’t know if I left her or she made good on her word to stay home more often.

Damn me! Just fucking damn me and my stupidity! Aly mentioned going to a concert on the Twitter account we’re connected on as well as on WhatsApp. But she never said who she was seeing…except for on the account she’s connected to Molly on that I’m not supposed to be following. Okay, so it’s public, but I’ve given her every indication to think I’m not peeking in every few days or so like I have been. She probably figures as much, though, because she hasn’t said anything nasty about me and I know that as sensitive as she is, I’ve got to be saying at least some things that hurt her fragile feelings that she hasn’t told me about.

The thing is that Aly’s not going to miss my slip. She’s too perceptive and smart. I would be really surprised if it went over her head and she didn’t stop and say to herself, “Hey, wait a minute. I never mentioned who we were seeing to her or anywhere that I would expect her to see.”

So when she picks up her messages in the morning she’ll know I’m looking at her other Twitter account in which I see her consoling Molly about her mother’s sudden admission to the hospital which I have absolutely no sympathy for. In some ways, Mrs. M was worse than her daughter. Why? Because she should have known better. She wasn’t crazy like her daughter, she was just mean. For a former college professor, she should have been smart enough to know it was wrong to troll me along with her daughter. She enabled her daughter and stooped to her level as they harassed me together.

I hate to admit it but she also scared the shit out of me with the legal threats. I knew I hadn’t done anything wrong but you don’t do that to someone who was legally dragged through the mud like I was by the Phoenix welfare bums. So Mrs. M can suffer all the misery that may come her way. What she did was pretty unforgivable as far as I’m concerned.

I guess she would be getting kind of old now because she was older when Molly was born. Pretty sure she’s well into her seventies now.

When Tammy left an anti-Trump comment on one of Norma’s many anti-Trump posts, I wanted so bad to say: You’re the one who voted for him. But don’t worry. You “won’t be around long.” Remember?

Fucking melodramatic lying hypochondriac.

I was looking back in old journals on my anxiety history and while it’s still more than obvious to me, whether the doctors believe it or remember it, such as in Dr. O’s case as she doesn’t seem to have a great memory herself, the first time I was on 75s and then when she tried me on 88s, my many severe symptoms were definitely medication-related. The way I started off with severe lung tightness, then the racing, booming heart, anxiety attacks, the runs, rapid weight loss… I don’t know why, but my body considers normal numbers hyper.

It seems like the end of 2015 was when the “butterflies” started but they were tappable once Stacey taught me emotional tapping. I also wrote about a time when I had them one day for a few hours, then they went away for 4 hours, then returned. Well, not only is the chest anxiety untappable but it doesn’t work like that with the chest. They’re more of a black-and-white thing. They’re either on or off. I never skipped doses when I had the butterflies and they eventually went away. I do believe more and more that the butterflies and the chest “stabbers” aren’t connected to the medication. So I either have perimenopause/menopause worse than any case even Dr. A has ever heard of or something in my brain really did break. Something threw my chemistry off. I’d hate to think it was done by the cruel hand of some unseen force but I guess I’ll never know. The question is if the butterflies can go away, can the chest stabbers? It’s only been a month so I have absolutely no reason whatsoever to think they won’t return sooner or later. I think it’s going to be after the new year when I know he’s going to have fewer days off since we’ll be done with holidays for a while and appointments as well. I love not having appointments until March but it will suck knowing that he’ll have to work 5 days a week every week. I’m still kind of surprised he hasn’t been laid off since it’s so common but nothing’s going to jeopardize such a noisy place. I just can’t believe we could ever lose a place that can be noisy even at night. The last two nights the fucking commercials have been at it. They’ve become worse than the small planes which haven’t been much of an issue lately.

We ran out to Walgreens earlier for some treats and replaced about two-thirds of the betta’s water. It seems to be best if we do it every other week.

I miss having rats but I just don’t have the energy I used to have for them and I know damn well we wouldn’t end up with any Tinkerbell, Sugar, Blondie or Little Buddy. California seems to mostly have timid rats.

Re-wrote my list of exercises and hope to motivate myself to be more consistent with that. I just wish I had more energy more often because that would really help! At 53, however, I’m just not going to have the energy I had 20 years ago.

After 5 days of taking my blood pressure 3 times a day, and after what I looked up on WebMD, it looks like I have stage 2 hypertension, which probably requires medication. Not gonna happen!

12/18/18 - 138/84, 148/86, 155/84

12/19/18 - 127/88, 162/89, 156/87

12/20/18 - 144/90, 158/91, 162/90

12/21/18 - 142/83, 148/90, 156/93

12/22/18 - 135/93, 155/89, 129/91

Later...

If Aly didn’t miss the fact that I shouldn’t know who she saw in concert, she’s not saying anything. Sometimes I just wish she would back off on the texting a little bit and I wish Kim would drop to once a week! Not Kim, but Aly messages me about every little thing she does every chance she gets. I would still rather have her message me more often than I’d like than never at all, though.

Definitely don’t like how Aly’s following my journal on Prosebox. Why? To compare what I share publicly with what I share with her? She’s not the only one in Omaha so it could be someone else but I have a feeling it’s not.

We set me up on Google Docs as I believed this would be an easier way to keep just one copy of my journal that auto-syncs whether I update them on my computer or on Google Docs but it turned out to be a rather complex situation much like OneDrive so I’m not going to do much on my laptop anymore. There are enough sites that have gotten pretty reliable where I can just use those. Prosebox isn’t going to make additional copies of one of my books or posts and have me confused as to which is the most recent copy. I tend to go the opposite way I used to. Instead of writing in Word and then uploading online, I’m writing online and dropping copies in Word. Plus, I backup copies on Amazon Drive and other places.

I slept shitty after skipping vitamin D for 2 days so maybe it really does help me sleep better. I’ll take it before bed along with my kiddy multivitamin. I’m just so damn tired of being tired! I miss my old energy and I wonder if I’m ever going to get it back. But poor sleep and age are really sucking my fatigue big time. Tom assures me that if anything else was wrong they would have found it by now but as Aly said, not necessarily. Sometimes it can take years to be properly diagnosed. Really hope I don’t have chronic fatigue or anything else! I just feel like I shouldn’t be this tired this often. I used to sleep shitty in the past at times as well yet I would eventually perk up after a few hours. It seems I wasn’t always this tired in jail where I slept absolutely shitty as hell. So I think it’s a combination of sleeping shitty in my 50s versus sleeping shitty in my 30s. I hope that’s all it is, anyway.

In better news, we ordered another winter nightgown for me, plus some sippy cups to put by the bed at night because it’s easier to grab one of those if I wake up thirsty rather than to have to sit up and unscrew the cap of a water bottle and all that.

The thing I’m most excited about is the Pilates ring we got. Since weight loss is out of the question I have to try to resort to sculpting and reshaping. If I can shrink and straighten my inner thighs a bit, maybe that will help with my rashes. Right now my fucking thighs are what my waist should be and they’re definitely very round too.

I first searched for a Thigh Master like the one we sold on eBay before we left Arizona. I mostly want to work my inner thighs with this thing because it’s easier than doing it on the Bowflex. It’s also good for working the arms and shoulders while watching TV or something like that.

I was finishing waking up with my coffee just before noon when I heard Bob dragging the trash bin since it was trash collection day to the back of his garage. So I jumped up and caught him coming around to the front of the house when I opened the front door and called out to him.

First, he thanked me for coming over and showing concern. I was glad he was grateful because I was worried Nancy would think I was kind of nosy. I’ll admit I was just as curious as I was concerned. But he was appreciative.

Turns out that the chest pains Virginia was feeling were due to inflammation and not a heart attack. I know all too well what it’s like to think you’re having a heart attack! I didn’t see who got out of Nancy’s car last night but I’m guessing Virginia is back home.

I wasn’t happy to hear they’re having 26 people over for Christmas. I’m on nights now for the most part and since I just can’t seem to stop having appointments, I don’t want any noise jeopardizing my sleep and schedule. The sound machine and the earbuds do a good job of blocking sound but if there’s enough car door slamming the vibration may jolt me awake. Bob didn’t seem too thrilled about the idea of having so much company either. He said something about it being unexpected.

That fucking car stayed here for 11 hours yesterday and today it was here from 1 to 8. It probably came and went before I got up, too. It’s like it lives here but doesn’t sleep here.

Today I’ve been feeling tired as I do half the time these days and wonder if it’s due to the Tacrolimus which I also used today. It will be interesting to see if I wake up with a bad headache and have other symptoms tomorrow. If I do then I’ll definitely have to call Amy. If I can continue to use it, though, I worry and wonder just what I’m going to do when I stop it since Tacrolimus can’t be used forever. In just the week or so that I stopped using it, I was noticeably itchier.

Last night’s dream was anything but fun. I was killing myself. I guess I was ODing on pills, one of them being lorazepam. I downed a bunch of pills and then realized there were still a few left in the bottle and wondered if I should take more. Soon I started feeling the effects of the overdose and told myself I better hurry up and take all I can before I go unconscious so that I never wake up.

Heard the loud car come in yesterday morning for about an hour and then it returned at around 2 p.m. and left 5 hours later. That is one devoted son. Seriously, I really wish we could drop down to the typical once-a-week parent visit. This cock, whoever he is, obviously doesn’t have a life. He doesn’t seem to work and he doesn’t seem to be in any kind of relationship. How he lives wherever he’s living is beyond me. I always worry he’s going to move back but at times he comes around often enough that it seems like he lives here. He was in for an hour this morning so I’m sure he’ll be back anytime now for his second daily visit because he just loves his mommy and daddy that much. I doubt they’re having any serious health issues of any kind. Last I saw of them they seemed to be pretty healthy and able-bodied. I wonder when they’ll put the house up for the third time before they pull it off the market?

Can’t stop thinking of Dr. O. I suppose there’s always a chance I’m imagining things but given how intuitive I’ve proven to be for over half a century I’d say I’m right on about the connection I felt between us the last time. Not saying she’s hot for me all of a sudden or anything like that but I felt some kind of connection between us for the first time. She’s always come off as a bit stern and I definitely wouldn’t want to live with the woman because I think she would be bossy and bitchy enough of the time, but I would be her friend. Even though she’s considered average-looking by most people’s standards, I think she looks pretty good for her early 60s and while I have no crush of my own going, I felt almost drawn to her the day I saw her. There was something very soothing and comforting about the way she dealt with me that also boosted my confidence and determination to deal with my anxiety, whatever the hell is causing it. As I reminded her, though, like it or not, the medication has been a problem in the past even if it was in a much more severe way. Remember… booming, racing heart, the runs a few times a day, rapid weight loss without trying…

The type of anxiety I’ve been dealing with the last two years, however (and I told her it’s changed in the way it affects me and fluctuates at times), is an adrenaline kick in the chest. I can feel it rush through me as if invisible hands are reaching in and squeezing my adrenal glands. The kind you’d feel for a few seconds if you were suddenly face to face with a big old spider or something you find scary. Only it goes on and on for hours. I still worry about the inevitable return of the anxiety and I don’t like the fact that I’m still having memory issues that seem a bit extreme for my age.

Anyway, I might reach out to Dr. O on Facebook in the future. When I accidentally slipped and mentioned Stacey’s name, even though I know she could look it up, I said, “Oops, I wasn’t supposed to mention her name.” She didn’t say anything but her expression told me she did indeed get and read my message regarding that and her son. I still wonder to this day how her son knew who I was. I think it’s safe to say he didn’t know that I knew who he was until I brought up his mother being a doctor and all that. Since I doubt Dr. O would have used my full name even if she did discuss me with her son, I think he either hacked her Facebook messages or somehow got a hold of her patient list. I think he saw his mother’s messages somehow. Maybe he didn’t actually have to hack her. Maybe her messages were sitting open on her laptop which he stepped away from momentarily and he saw my name. I’ll never know but no harm done. :-) Funny how he ignored me when I looked him up and surprised him on Twitter to question him there. I definitely surprised and spooked him in the end but will definitely keep him blocked since I don’t know if he’s all there or what his game was.

I actually slept fairly well last night and I’m feeling the best I’ve felt since I got sick. I’m still a little off-balance but even though I said I’d give up on bothering to walk around the park since I can’t do it full-time, I went to the lake anyway. The weather was perfect for it in that I got sunlight since sunlight goes through clouds, but it was cloudy enough that the sun wasn’t blinding me. The temperature was ideal for the way I was dressed and it was surprisingly quiet. I expected sections of loud landscaping but there weren’t any nor was there as much traffic as I expected. Just a bit lightheaded now and maybe slightly tired.

And the cock is back. sighs with frustration With today’s technology I shouldn’t have to fucking know about it when you come and go unless I actually see you.

I had a weird dream about Mark Zuckerberg last night. For some reason, he lost all his money and temporarily became very poor. So we donated some food for him and his family like we’d even care in real life. But we did. We gave him bags of frozen french fries, tater tots and other things.

Then all of a sudden he was rich again and he returned the uneaten portions of the food we donated to him on his motorcycle and included a large candy bar in the shape of the state of California as a token of his appreciation.

Then I was at his house, which was more like a building than a house, it was so huge. Instead of having two kids, he had eight. And instead of a younger Asian wife, she was an older white lady who didn’t seem very nice. She was pretty standoffish. There were maybe a hundred guests and occasional interns milling about who wore white coats similar to what a doctor wears.

Later...

I was lying in the dark when I heard a loud vehicle. It didn’t register in my mind as anything new since so many vehicles are loud. But then I saw the bright flashing lights. Curious, I got up and looked out the living room window, assuming they were going to the house across from next door or further down the way. Nope. They stopped next door. I briefly talked to their daughter Nancy who said Virginia had been having chest pains for an hour. Not wanting to get in the way, I came back and looked out the window by the door and watched. I assumed at first that they wouldn’t be taking her because they were inside the house for quite a while. Then a paramedic came out and raised the back of the stretcher after tossing a couple of duffel bags or something like that into one of the trucks. But then they walked Virginia out and onto the stretcher and off she went. Nancy drove Bob in her car behind the ambulance.

Really hope it was nothing serious but hey, the woman is 85 after all and this could very well be the beginning of the end for her since she’s not as active as Bob even if Bob is a few years older. Plus, she’s heavy. It isn’t just for her and her family’s sake that I hope nothing’s wrong but for my own selfish reasons as well. I don’t want to lose what’s turned out to be great neighbors. If one of them dies, the other may very well downsize to an apartment or something like that. I know how unlucky I usually am with neighbors. I don’t want someone moving in that’s going to be outside all the time making a racket, maybe have a mutt barking every time they walk it, and of course, the chances of them having a motorcycle or other loud vehicle are very good as well.

Getting really fucking sick of that loud car that’s been coming around again…twice a day. Who the hell needs to visit their parents that often? Come on, once a week, cock!

I’m more worried they’re going to move back in.

But not as worried as I am about this constant fatigue that just goes on and on and on with seemingly no end. I wonder if I’m ever going to feel energized again in my life. If I can ever get a decent night’s sleep, that may help. I woke up just an hour or two after crashing and lay there for the better part of an hour. Finally got up and took baby Benadryl to knock me back out. My nose was a little sniffly and I was sneezing a bit anyway. I actually feel good emotionally now. I’m just always drained. Still a little off-balance as well.

It became obvious to me a long time ago for reasons I’ll probably never know that something up there definitely doesn’t want me taking advantage of this gated park for exercise on a regular basis so I no longer bother to plan or assume I’ll be doing that. That’s ok, though. It’s too noisy in the daytime and too cold at night. Besides, if I just do 20 minutes 6 days a week on the treadmill and 30 minutes 1 day, that totals the 2.5 hours the health specialists recommend we do in a week. Plus, I work my core and arms here and there.

I was going to order groceries from Safeway but they no longer have the Sizzling Wok or the mackerel that I really like so back to Walmart I went. Personally, I like their site layout the best anyway. I can organize favorites better with them. Just wish they, and other stores, would take better responsibility for keeping their items stocked.

Despite starting the first part of my day off very tired, I managed to meet today’s cleaning and exercise goals and will be taking it easy for the rest of the day. Tom should be leaving work soon and I started the final season (9) of the Forensic Files collection.

Amazingly, the Twenties haven’t taken on any projects this week. Just the usual traffic and landscaping sounds I hear out there when I step out of sound-machined areas.

I made my MO journal FO on Prosebox because I’m just not sure I really want to keep sharing with others there. Less editing if I just share with my trusted bestie and leave it at that. I appreciate her reading some of my stories as well. :-)

Slept shitty and woke up fatigued and still a bit dizzy. I stopped the Tacrolimus recently as I may have mentioned before but then I had to use it yesterday because I started getting more irritation and I woke up with a headache. Again I wonder if there’s a connection between that and the fatigue and dizziness, though I doubt it. Still gonna hold off on it and see if I can ever get over this cold first. It’s like yesterday’s activities really took a bite out of me and set me back.

So I saw Dr. A and told her how things have been these last 6 months and that I sometimes feel so anxious that I wish I was dead. Literally. She said that was worrisome and therefore she thinks I should see the shrink and therapist because she doesn’t believe it’s just about hormonal changes from me going into menopause. I figured as much. I always thought it seemed rather extreme for perimenopause/menopause and that if the medication wasn’t a factor, something else may be going on.

Dr. A looked me over really well and recommended Ocean Mist to help with any congestion in my nose or the tubes in my inner ears. They didn’t have that brand but when we went to get cold medicine for Tom, we got the same thing which is basically saline but in a different brand. When she looked in my good ear she said it looked fine.

While at Rite Aid, I also got this back massager that extends 23” and has these rubber rollers with “fingers” on it. I could have used that a couple of days ago when I had a backache.

Plus I got eight mini hair scrunchies each in a different color. I just think they should have made the pink lighter. It almost matches the red one as it’s such a dark shade of pink. It will match many of my outfits well, though.

Since I was getting anxious when I wasn’t on vitamin D and the Amberen says it contains vitamin E, I decided to go back on vitamin D to see if it will help with my sleep.

She did say you could get a cold that only included fatigue and dizziness when I asked since different viruses produce different symptoms. Definitely feel both of those right now and could only do 10 minutes on the treadmill. Tom thinks that if I add a few minutes a day, I’ll be better by the end of the week and I really hope he’s right!

They took my blood pressure twice and got a reading of 160/92 both times. My HR was in the 90s which is typical for me. Upon looking at my blood pressure history readings, Dr. A pointed out that it’s been erratic. It’s up down, up down every time I see her. Knowing and understanding my fear of medication, rather than give me something to take when it spikes, which she believes could cause my dizziness, we’re going to have me monitor my blood pressure a few times a day for two weeks using my wrist cuff device. Then I’m going to see the nurse on the 31st and she’s going to check the device and all that. This thing isn’t new but I don’t think it’s that old either. Neither of us could remember exactly when we got it but it was definitely sometime while we were in this house. The question is whether or not I’m holding my arm in the right position. With some of them, you have to cross your arm over your chest, and for others, you want to hold your palm upward.

She says that high blood pressure can’t cause anxiety but anxiety can cause high blood pressure. Yes, I have heard that stress and anxiety can raise blood pressure. Not sure what they’re going to do based on what my BP readings are for the rest of the year but I won’t see A Dr. till March. That’s still sooner than June but oh well.

So after going over my frustrations with her as far as anxiety medication I’ve had so far that either stopped working or had bad side effects, she said that even if I don’t get medication from the shrink, I should still schedule an appointment with her even though it will take months to get in to see her anyway. Maybe my knowing the appointment is out there in the future will help jinx the anxiety into staying away longer. As I told her, though, I know it’s coming back sooner or later and that’s hard on me as well. I either suffer or I worry that I’m going to suffer. The worst possible scenario is that I did develop an anxiety disorder independent of anything else after all, even if other sources can still fuel it and I’m now starting to suspect that sadly, that’s exactly what I did. Totally my shit luck too, to get something so horrible. I mean if there is a God up there, it totally would have me suffer this way, especially now that there are no money issues or other things to worry about these days. We may not have as much extra money as we’d like but we’re not struggling is what I mean. It’s so much worse than depression, too. Depression is absolutely horrible but it’s very straightforward; you’re simply depressed. Anxiety has a million different symptoms and many of them are batshit terrifying. Never before have I felt emotions that didn’t go with my life. Any depression or stress I felt in the past was due to something bad going on in my life. I don’t know, maybe there’s still hope of it going away someday. Maybe just like it one day appeared for no reason other than when the medication really was to blame for at least some of it, it will go away for no reason as well. At this point, it’s looking doubtful, though. Each year I have it, I lose hope and it seems less likely that it will go away. But I’m trying not to think of it in the form of forever otherwise those dark thoughts will be stirred up. I’ve got another quarter-century or so to live so to think that I could have this tormenting me on and off that long is no place I want my mind going if I don’t want to be suicidal.

As much as I like Stacey, she’s such a long drive out in Rocklin and the appointments do add up in both time and money, so we’re going to look into video therapy for me. Our provider has online therapists.

When we got to Dr. O’s medical building I recognized the same girl behind the desk from last time and said, “I remember you. Your favorite color is green.”

She was amazed by my memory. Yeah, wouldn’t it be nice if it was like that most of the time?

Anyway, it kind of sucks that I’ll miss Dr. O now that I’ve come to like her. I’ve always thought she was an amazing doctor and very knowledgeable but now I actually like her at least somewhat, LOL. But at this point, I should definitely never have to see her again.

I was checked in by yet another nurse I’d never seen before who was much more friendly and chatty than the last one. HR was still in the 90s but this time my upper BP number was in the 130s.

After waiting for a half-hour the doctor finally came in but then her cell phone rang and she stepped back out for another minute or two. Then she came in and apologized, saying she was coaching someone on something. I told her it was no problem. I mean after waiting for a half-hour, two additional minutes was nothing. I knew she would be late anyway because she always is. I even surprised Tom with a quick Skype message from the exam room only because I knew I would be in for quite a wait. I mostly did puzzles, though.

Dr. O’s demeanor was very different than the last time. She was much friendlier and supportive and seemed more understanding and empathetic than I ever remember her to be. Through my tears, there were also some jokes and laughter. Or more like smiles and chuckles.

Like with Dr. A, she doesn’t think the medication is the issue. I know damn well it was the first time I went on 75s and when she tried me on 88s. That was a no-brainer. But those symptoms were much more extreme and numerous than what I’ve been dealing with on and off for the last two years with waves of adrenaline stabbing in and out of the center of my chest. I suffered throughout most of this year. I only did well the first week of January, then from about June to the third week of August, and now since November 23rd or something like that.

I gave each doctor a printed copy of the overview of my symptoms over the last month.

Also like Dr. A, she thinks that it’s definitely time to get the psychiatrist involved and explained to me about the body’s natural norepinephrine, epinephrine, serotonin, etc, and how the shrink can find the proper balance biology-wise to get the right chemistry for me. She knows it’s been hard for me because of medication backfiring on me in the past. I also told her I still worry about my T4 hitting 1.4 because history has shown I definitely do have trouble if it gets that high. I’m hoping it will stay where it’s at and that my TSH will continue to fall but more than likely I should at least go up to 1.3. I’m hoping that on this dose I can no longer get to 1.4. She thinks I need 88s, but understandably, she would never suggest it with me in such an anxious state as I have been on and off for so long now. 88 would definitely normalize my numbers but there’s no way I’m going that high.

She says the biggest thing is accepting the problem and telling myself I don’t need to or deserve to suffer from anxiety and that I can and should get help. It’s definitely true that I’ve been not so much sweeping it under the rug as much as hoping it would go away on its own but it’s obviously not going to do that anytime soon if it ever does. As for why? I don’t know what to think anymore. Could be a combination of things or maybe I really did acquire a medical disorder as Dr. A thinks is possible as I said. If that’s the case and my brain chemistry suddenly “broke,” medication is probably the only thing that can fix it or at least keep me from feeling the symptoms. I just hope we can find something without side effects or at least side effects that go away and that are tolerable until they do! It would be even better if I could take something on an as-needed basis rather than a preventative one but I can’t imagine what that may be. But there are a whole shitload of medications out there for the different emotional disorders.

She reminded me that I should never look at a list of side effects when taking new medications because with my phobia it plants a seed in my mind and I’ll think I’m feeling them. So true, too!

She wants me to go to the lab on or after January 7th because then it will be six weeks back on the 75s. I told her how our insurance no longer covers labs and that we’re planning to switch to a plan where we pay for everything until we meet a certain deductible. Then she gave me the name of a lab that’s cheaper. They give their results to Quest but Quest may not contact them so I’ll have to contact her over the portal with the results.

As she wrote these things down on a piece of paper for me I said, “Well, at least you’re optimistic,” and pointed out that that’s what the upward slant of the lines of her writing is supposed to mean. She got a kick out of that one, haha.

I think I pretty much covered the main highlights of our discussion but if I remember anything else I can add it in future entries. I did say on the way out that hopefully I’d never have to see her again and she jokingly said, “I won’t take that personally.”

LOL.

Feeling a little better today than yesterday but I’m still dizzy. At least the doctor can tell me tomorrow if I have an inner ear infection or not. Not looking forward to the appointments, though, especially Dr. O.

Tom is getting over his own cold and has a stuffy nose and some sneezing. I still never got any kind of sneezing or coughing. Just fatigue and dizziness.

We went to Sam’s Club yesterday and to Safeway today. Got some hot food as well as a vanilla bean bath bomb because my skin is really dry. Not sure I smelled the vanilla in it but it helps my skin.

I switched back to my quilt and blanket combo because that’s just what I’m used to. I’ll be relieved after tomorrow’s appointments are out of the way and to be sleeping mostly at night so I don’t have to bother with the earbuds. Really hope these appointments don’t spawn anymore. I hope I don’t have to see Dr. O again and that Dr. A can wait until June.

Exchanged a few quick messages with Lori on Facebook and of course Kim and Aly. Maybe Kim does have some empathy within her after all because she was riding with some people to a dance that those in the Special Olympics partake in and they hit and killed a deer and she was “heartbroken,” she said. No one was hurt but the van sustained some damage and Carol and Sarah came and got her.

Aly’s doing shitty because she’s worried about her father and she has iron issues which cause her to be dizzy as well.

Last night I dreamed I was having a video chat with my very alive parents for the first time. I set up my laptop facing what appeared to be a small apartment. I was in the kitchen and the living room extended off of it and there was a slider at the end. I asked them if they could see all the way down to the slider.

I wore my hot pink tank dress and my hair was almost to my waist and parted in the middle. I slowly turned around and said, “Here’s a 360-degree view of me.”

Then when we were done, Dad had trouble getting up from whatever he’d been sitting in and I said something like, “They make gaming chairs so maybe they’ll eventually make web chatting chairs.”

In reality, my hair really is getting close to my waist. Such a pain in the ass too, but I’m not ready to cut it.