Damn me! Just fucking damn me and my stupidity! Aly mentioned going to a concert on the Twitter account we’re connected on as well as on WhatsApp. But she never said who she was seeing…except for on the account she’s connected to Molly on that I’m not supposed to be following. Okay, so it’s public, but I’ve given her every indication to think I’m not peeking in every few days or so like I have been. She probably figures as much, though, because she hasn’t said anything nasty about me and I know that as sensitive as she is, I’ve got to be saying at least some things that hurt her fragile feelings that she hasn’t told me about.

The thing is that Aly’s not going to miss my slip. She’s too perceptive and smart. I would be really surprised if it went over her head and she didn’t stop and say to herself, “Hey, wait a minute. I never mentioned who we were seeing to her or anywhere that I would expect her to see.”

So when she picks up her messages in the morning she’ll know I’m looking at her other Twitter account in which I see her consoling Molly about her mother’s sudden admission to the hospital which I have absolutely no sympathy for. In some ways, Mrs. M was worse than her daughter. Why? Because she should have known better. She wasn’t crazy like her daughter, she was just mean. For a former college professor, she should have been smart enough to know it was wrong to troll me along with her daughter. She enabled her daughter and stooped to her level as they harassed me together.

I hate to admit it but she also scared the shit out of me with the legal threats. I knew I hadn’t done anything wrong but you don’t do that to someone who was legally dragged through the mud like I was by the Phoenix welfare bums. So Mrs. M can suffer all the misery that may come her way. What she did was pretty unforgivable as far as I’m concerned.

I guess she would be getting kind of old now because she was older when Molly was born. Pretty sure she’s well into her seventies now.

When Tammy left an anti-Trump comment on one of Norma’s many anti-Trump posts, I wanted so bad to say: You’re the one who voted for him. But don’t worry. You “won’t be around long.” Remember?

Fucking melodramatic lying hypochondriac.

I was looking back in old journals on my anxiety history and while it’s still more than obvious to me, whether the doctors believe it or remember it, such as in Dr. O’s case as she doesn’t seem to have a great memory herself, the first time I was on 75s and then when she tried me on 88s, my many severe symptoms were definitely medication-related. The way I started off with severe lung tightness, then the racing, booming heart, anxiety attacks, the runs, rapid weight loss… I don’t know why, but my body considers normal numbers hyper.

It seems like the end of 2015 was when the “butterflies” started but they were tappable once Stacey taught me emotional tapping. I also wrote about a time when I had them one day for a few hours, then they went away for 4 hours, then returned. Well, not only is the chest anxiety untappable but it doesn’t work like that with the chest. They’re more of a black-and-white thing. They’re either on or off. I never skipped doses when I had the butterflies and they eventually went away. I do believe more and more that the butterflies and the chest “stabbers” aren’t connected to the medication. So I either have perimenopause/menopause worse than any case even Dr. A has ever heard of or something in my brain really did break. Something threw my chemistry off. I’d hate to think it was done by the cruel hand of some unseen force but I guess I’ll never know. The question is if the butterflies can go away, can the chest stabbers? It’s only been a month so I have absolutely no reason whatsoever to think they won’t return sooner or later. I think it’s going to be after the new year when I know he’s going to have fewer days off since we’ll be done with holidays for a while and appointments as well. I love not having appointments until March but it will suck knowing that he’ll have to work 5 days a week every week. I’m still kind of surprised he hasn’t been laid off since it’s so common but nothing’s going to jeopardize such a noisy place. I just can’t believe we could ever lose a place that can be noisy even at night. The last two nights the fucking commercials have been at it. They’ve become worse than the small planes which haven’t been much of an issue lately.

We ran out to Walgreens earlier for some treats and replaced about two-thirds of the betta’s water. It seems to be best if we do it every other week.

I miss having rats but I just don’t have the energy I used to have for them and I know damn well we wouldn’t end up with any Tinkerbell, Sugar, Blondie or Little Buddy. California seems to mostly have timid rats.

Re-wrote my list of exercises and hope to motivate myself to be more consistent with that. I just wish I had more energy more often because that would really help! At 53, however, I’m just not going to have the energy I had 20 years ago.

After 5 days of taking my blood pressure 3 times a day, and after what I looked up on WebMD, it looks like I have stage 2 hypertension, which probably requires medication. Not gonna happen!

12/18/18 - 138/84, 148/86, 155/84

12/19/18 - 127/88, 162/89, 156/87

12/20/18 - 144/90, 158/91, 162/90

12/21/18 - 142/83, 148/90, 156/93

12/22/18 - 135/93, 155/89, 129/91

Later...

If Aly didn’t miss the fact that I shouldn’t know who she saw in concert, she’s not saying anything. Sometimes I just wish she would back off on the texting a little bit and I wish Kim would drop to once a week! Not Kim, but Aly messages me about every little thing she does every chance she gets. I would still rather have her message me more often than I’d like than never at all, though.

Definitely don’t like how Aly’s following my journal on Prosebox. Why? To compare what I share publicly with what I share with her? She’s not the only one in Omaha so it could be someone else but I have a feeling it’s not.

We set me up on Google Docs as I believed this would be an easier way to keep just one copy of my journal that auto-syncs whether I update them on my computer or on Google Docs but it turned out to be a rather complex situation much like OneDrive so I’m not going to do much on my laptop anymore. There are enough sites that have gotten pretty reliable where I can just use those. Prosebox isn’t going to make additional copies of one of my books or posts and have me confused as to which is the most recent copy. I tend to go the opposite way I used to. Instead of writing in Word and then uploading online, I’m writing online and dropping copies in Word. Plus, I backup copies on Amazon Drive and other places.

I slept shitty after skipping vitamin D for 2 days so maybe it really does help me sleep better. I’ll take it before bed along with my kiddy multivitamin. I’m just so damn tired of being tired! I miss my old energy and I wonder if I’m ever going to get it back. But poor sleep and age are really sucking my fatigue big time. Tom assures me that if anything else was wrong they would have found it by now but as Aly said, not necessarily. Sometimes it can take years to be properly diagnosed. Really hope I don’t have chronic fatigue or anything else! I just feel like I shouldn’t be this tired this often. I used to sleep shitty in the past at times as well yet I would eventually perk up after a few hours. It seems I wasn’t always this tired in jail where I slept absolutely shitty as hell. So I think it’s a combination of sleeping shitty in my 50s versus sleeping shitty in my 30s. I hope that’s all it is, anyway.

In better news, we ordered another winter nightgown for me, plus some sippy cups to put by the bed at night because it’s easier to grab one of those if I wake up thirsty rather than to have to sit up and unscrew the cap of a water bottle and all that.

The thing I’m most excited about is the Pilates ring we got. Since weight loss is out of the question I have to try to resort to sculpting and reshaping. If I can shrink and straighten my inner thighs a bit, maybe that will help with my rashes. Right now my fucking thighs are what my waist should be and they’re definitely very round too.

I first searched for a Thigh Master like the one we sold on eBay before we left Arizona. I mostly want to work my inner thighs with this thing because it’s easier than doing it on the Bowflex. It’s also good for working the arms and shoulders while watching TV or something like that.