Well, Shannon, your “God” was wrong. I’m not okay. I’m alive but I’m not “okay.”

I not only lost Dumbo tonight, the last of the ratties, but I still feel totally out of it and like I haven’t slept in days. Hip and upper right stomach pain are better and I don’t get the chills I was getting before, but I still feel like a battery that’s virtually out of juice. Just totally drained to hell.

I’ve come to believe that if there is any kind of God above it must be a real coward and a real hater because it takes an awful lot of cowardice and hatred to sit back and allow some people to suffer as it does. Whether or not it actually makes the bad things that happen to us happen or it just sits back and allows them to is a very cowardly and mean-spirited thing to do. I still think there probably isn’t a God but if there is, I certainly can’t imagine ever worshipping, praising or respecting it in any way. Not after all I’ve gone through and have seen others go through as well.

Backing up to when we were heading from the car to the lab. I heard the loud caw of a crow and wondered if something bad would happen since many people seem to believe the sound or sight of a crow is a bad omen. Well, I can’t say cemeteries are bad since our lives were pretty good when we last lived near one in Oregon, but so far crows definitely don’t seem to bring good luck. Right after I heard the damn thing, they had issues getting blood from me and that’s about when I really started feeling ill too. I still feel like shit. I’m totally depleted of energy and it’s taking all I’ve got just to do this entry which I’ve been working on little by little.

I’m sure the plane frenzy will start up any minute now. Three nights ago they stopped around midnight after coming every 30 to 60 minutes and then it was one after another after 5 a.m. The last two nights and mornings I didn’t hear anything and it was wonderful but last night they were back at it until around midnight, and any second now, I’m sure it’ll be one after another.

Anyway, I’m so tired of being forced to work out part-time that that’s just what I’m going to do. Given how many years I haven’t been able to work out the 5 days a week I’d like to most weeks, I realize that I’m never getting better. I may get some of my energy back but for the most part, I’m just not going to have the energy I had 20 years ago. Like it or not, I am starting to get older and therefore I can’t expect to do the things I used to do. Or at least not as often. I just don’t have that kind of energy anymore. It’s like something wants me to work out part-time so if that’s what’s meant to be, then part-time it is. Instead of striving for 5 days a week, I’m just going to plan on working out once or twice a week and leave it at that. No more trying to do what I’m never going to be able to do again. At my age, it’s pretty much all downhill from here. It’s just a question of how steep that hill is going to be. But I’m never going to get better as I said. It’s hard to accept this but I have no choice but to do so. I’m never going to have my old energy. I’m never going to have perfect vision again. Never going to have the memory I once had. Definitely felt my best in my thirties and most of my forties but those days are never coming back. So onward and forward. It’s all I can do. Just got to make the best of my limitations and I definitely have a limited supply of energy these days. I’d say that at least half the time I don’t have good energy. Today I feel like I only slept two hours. In reality, I slept for about 8 hours, then I got up and showered and ate. Then I ended up napping for an hour or two. I need to stay up until 10 a.m., preferably noon, due to my appts. Most of my time will be spent lying around listening to my audiobook. There isn’t anything else I need to do at the moment anyway, energy or not.

Even though it’s a little harder to keep track of what I’ve returned, I signed up for a free month of Kindle Unlimited. I really like Jon Athan and so I’m diving into his books. There have only been a couple I couldn’t get into. I thought it was $15 a month but it’s $10 a month. I definitely like this better than my perfume subscription, which was the same price, even though I’ve liked all the samples I’ve been sent.

OMG, I’m so backed up that I didn’t even write about my lab results yet. They’re both good and shitty. It’s shitty that my TSH is still high, though it is coming down. It’s down to 22. T3 is still low but my T4 is up to 1.2.

The best news is that my cholesterol has improved significantly! It’s still bad enough that they would want me on statins but not crazy bad. So the ACV shots do help. If only I could lose 30 pounds or so. That might actually normalize it. Out of the question, though.

I got reminders for both appointments. The automated reminders will come next in a day or two. The woman from Dr. O’s office also wanted to remind me that lab work needed to be done for that appointment. I sure hope she knows I just went on the 6th because I’m not going again!

Again I wonder if the neck knockers are sodium-induced because I overdid the sodium on Saturday and the fucking neck knockers woke me up twice. Definitely gotta bring that up to Dr. A.

Tom helped me dye my hair Sunday night and at about 3 in the morning, we went to Walgreens to pick up some treats.

We were going to go to Safeway a few hours later for the orange juice I started craving as I sometimes do when I’m sick. By then I was too sick to go out again so he was kind enough to run up and get it for me.

Okay, I think I’m caught up enough to call this an entry. I only remember one dream from the other night. I forgot to take notes on last night’s dream when I got up so I can’t remember what it was about. But two nights ago I had a dream that I took a bus somewhere out of town and was returning to the bus station. We passed rows of parked buses as we entered the terminal. A woman sitting next to me befriended me who that hideously ugly but very nice. I had no ride home and she offered to take me which I really appreciated.

We got off the bus and I followed her into a small pastry shop. We looked in the case at all these colorful and fancy goodies… Cakes, cookies, cupcakes… And I said something about how I love rainbows and bright colors.

Then she surprised me by going behind the counter and putting an apron on.

“You work here?” I asked.

“Yep,” she said and then began waiting on customers with another employee while I watched from the sidelines.

Soon I realized I was getting very tired and I asked when we were leaving. She said in a few hours, leaving me to wonder what I would do to kill time as exhausted as I was getting.