I finally managed to convince myself to get up and hit the treadmill which is where I am right now as I do this entry. I’m just taking it slow.

Unlike yesterday when I felt good physically and emotionally, I feel pretty out of it today. I did wake up in the middle of my sleep but I didn’t take Benadryl. Instead, I had hip pain and took one ibuprofen because I’ve found that that’s all I need to kill that pain which has been every fucking day for a few weeks now. I’ve thought of everything it could possibly be and unfortunately, arthritis is the only thing that comes to mind. I don’t think I’m underdoing the exercise and I’m definitely not overdoing it lately either. If anything, I’ve been a bit lazy.

As I said, I woke up feeling out of it today. I don’t know why I keep going back and forth like this but today was one of those days where I almost felt like I slept shitty or only for a few hours and like I’m on the verge of a cold. I have no energy and I’m cold no matter how bundled up I am. Yet no test has ever shown me to have anemia either. Going to be going to the lab on Thursday and it’s that time of year where they test everything they normally test for and then some.

Felt a little depressed but nothing too major. When I was chatting with Tom when he got home from work, I was telling him that I definitely felt best in my thirties. By then I had quit smoking so my asthma and allergies had improved, I didn’t need glasses yet, I was still thin, I still had a libido and a working thyroid. I usually slept the whole night through and didn’t suffer so much fatigue and lightheadedness. If I was depressed or anxious, it was for a reason and not just because. The anxiety back then was a joke compared to how extreme it’s been these last few years.

I might have to stop walking because I’ve got shooting pains down my right thigh. Sciatic nerve? Could be but I don’t know. Seems more of a joint thing than anything else but sometimes the pain isn’t concentrated. It sort of radiates in the upper thigh and groin area, and according to my research, that could be arthritis.

Another thing is that I’m getting bored more often, longing for something new, different and exciting to be thrown into the usual grind for variety’s sake, but this is something that’s a lot easier to wish for than to actually have happen.

Okay, the pain stopped. I’ll walk a bit more.

Taking Ibuprofen every day can’t be good for me so I want to wait until it’s closer to bedtime.

Although I slept most of my birthday, I enjoyed the birthday “cards” I got in both English and German. Tammy and my nieces not acknowledging my birthday is yet another classic example of how self-absorbed they really are. They probably would have if we were still connected, but if they weren’t so stuck on themselves they would have remembered the date. Tammy probably remembered even if she didn’t reach out to me because she supposedly “won’t be around long.”

The schedule predictor program can predict half a year out, so we’ve found, but not a year. It said I’d be getting up at 10:30 PM on the 4th. It was off by nearly 9 hours.

Tom and I were also talking about the lack of universal healthcare in this country and how someone was saying that Canada isn’t as wonderful as you may think because they have to wait longer for things. Yeah, but wouldn’t it be better to wait longer for what you need than to never be able to get it at all because you can’t afford it? This is part of why I wonder if maybe we should get out of the country when he retires. We’re not going to have as much money as he’s making now and I don’t want to lose a big chunk of it to medical expenses.

The book I’m reading, Miss Vengeance, is awesome. I love the way she’s looked up sex offenders online, tracked them down, and is giving them true justice that no court would ever give them. Funny too, because these have been on my list of dark fantasies in the past where I take my anger, frustration or whatever out on not good, decent innocent people but someone who really deserves to suffer. The only problem is that they’re still monitored a little closer than normal and it would be just my shit luck that I got caught torturing the fuckers. Not worth the risk. Even Tom said so when I once brought it up to him.

The fucking shower stall in the master bathroom is still leaking. I just can’t figure out how since there are no pipes in the wall where it’s at. Yet I can clearly see the water bleeding out between the floor and quarter round on the wall that divides the bathroom and kitchen. Maybe it’s coming down where the handles are and rolling over into that area. Either way, why are we always so damn cursed with leaks? Oh well. I don’t want to deal with it. I’ll just use the other shower which I like better anyway until it too, goes to hell and we’re forced to deal with it.

The tea and the 10-minute walk I just did warmed me up, but I still don’t feel all that great overall physically or emotionally. Definitely seem to be worse when I’m on nights.

Oh, hey, I just read that sciatic nerve issues usually affect only one leg at a time and go away after a few days. The fact that this pain is even, along with the location, smacks of arthritis. Just read that inflammatory arthritis can cause fatigue, too.

I feel really out of it, almost like I have a cold. I don’t understand why I go back and forth like this and I wonder if that funny feeling I sometimes get in my head, especially when I first stand up where my hearing temporarily diminishes, could be connected. Read up on that too, and it seems to be connected to a drop in blood pressure upon standing up.

I didn’t even have this kind of fatigue back when I would have PMS regularly. There are other symptoms like fever and weight loss which I definitely don’t have, but not everyone gets all the symptoms. Becky has rheumatoid arthritis which is also a type of inflammation and she definitely doesn’t have any weight loss issues at over 200 pounds. Losing weight would definitely help my joints but that’s not possible so that’s not an option for me.

For now, I guess I just suffer for another 24 years unless my guess is right. Unless I die of a sudden and unexpected stroke or heart attack before I’m 77, that’s about how old I expect to live as I’m guessing Tom will make it to around 85.