“They’ll never notice.”

Well, I sure got that wrong! Kim noticed. She wished me a happy birthday and asked what I did that day and how things were going. I quickly felt like an idiot for unfriending her and apologized right away, saying that I thought she was sick of me and that this was why I hadn’t heard from her. If I had the memory I used to have I would have remembered that she was in a very bad car accident and things aren’t the same for her any more than they are for me. She once loved being an RN but now she’s forced to settle for menial jobs like at Yankee Candle Company and she’s working at an animal shelter. She does love animals so I don’t know that that’s much of a settlement. But life definitely isn’t usually what we plan it to be.

I’m sure Aly didn’t plan to be moving back in with her parents, however temporary it may be. She can’t afford to renew the lease on her studio so she moved back in with them not just to save money but so she can help her dad recover from back surgery. She’ll stay with her boyfriend on weekends. She hesitates to move in with him so soon after moving in too soon with her former BF and GF was a bust. As I told her, though, if it’s meant to be, it will work out regardless of when they live together, not that they won’t have some disagreements as all couples do. At least she has someone who can perform and has a normal appetite for his age. Well, that’s the impression I get. Ah, but is he as smart and as accepting as my guy? Is anyone?

So I reconnected with Kim and told her that I have all kinds of things going on as well and that I miss the days when asthma and allergies were my worst problems. Now it’s one thing after another on top of the usual and yet again I wonder if life is worth living. I’m getting awfully bored with life anyway and I don’t see much hope for many new and exciting changes ahead, so why live to suffer?

I’m getting behind so I’ll back up to yesterday. I didn’t feel well enough to blog yesterday. I got up, went to the lab, and then Tom reminded me to hold the paper we printed out in front of their tablet to speed up the process of checking in for my appointment. I totally forgot about that and I never would have remembered if he hadn’t said anything. This brain fog seems a bit extreme lately even for being hypo and sometimes it’s not just frustrating but worrisome. I really hope nothing else is wrong as I’ve had enough shit!

A guy who was temporary and therefore not allowed to use butterfly needles tried to get blood out from my inner elbow with a regular needle to no avail. Then he got a really friendly black girl named Shannon and she had no luck either with a butterfly needle. She had to get it from my hand. She was so nice and sweet, though. She could see that I was on the verge of tears between not feeling well and all that was going on and she gave me a big hug as I stood up to leave. She told me she was there five days a week and that I could request her. I’ll remember that next time I schedule an appointment which hopefully won’t be until June unless Dr. O wants me to go before then.

She asked me if I was spiritual and I said, “Not really.” Then she told me that God told her to tell me I would be okay and that she would pray for me. Even though I don’t believe any God that may exist gives a shit about me, it was a very kind thing to say and I really appreciated it. So I left with my “battle scars.” You could see red lines where the tourniquet was on my upper arm as well as my wrist since they had to tie it so tight.

They only took two tubes because this isn’t time for blood cell counts and all that like I thought it was. That’s not until June. I forgot whether it’s June or December since I can’t remember shit.

So we got back home and I indulged in cholesterol and then I noticed I felt extremely fatigued. I was freezing as hell, too. I noticed I’ve had some intense chills since getting the flu shot and my overall feeling in my head felt almost like I had a cold or something but now I’m pretty sure that the flu shot gave me the flu. Or at least flu symptoms. The symptoms I have seem more like the flu rather than a cold. I don’t have a fever but I’m extremely cold and tired.

Still getting hip pain toward the end of my day as well, but the weather has pretty much been ruled out as a cause since we’ve dried up again.

I slept on and off for somewhere between 10 and 11 hours and I’m still feeling pretty out of it. I even have a cramp-like pain in the area where my liver is located and I wonder if it’s from all the Ibuprofen. Even my pee smelled a little strange earlier.

I’m never going to get a flu shot again. If I’m going to feel this bad from it, then I might as well actually get it, though it’s unlikely that I would. I know I can catch something anytime I go out in public but I definitely regret getting this one for sure. I’m also a bit worried about how long the symptoms have lasted. I read 24 to 48 hours after getting the shot but now it’s been a week.

I’m just so fucking sick of suffering. Just so fucking sick of it. Ever since we came to this house I’ve dealt with noise unlike the noisiest of places I’ve ever lived in before, including apartments and projects, and I’ve suffered tremendously.

I looked on Google Maps at the house we rented for 2 years in Oregon where our lives were good for the most part and it was just as close, if not maybe a tiny bit closer, to a cemetery than we are here. So I don’t think that has anything to do with it but I can’t help but wonder if there’s something else connected to the house that’s been picking on me. I just can’t imagine what it could be if there is or why. I guess I’ll never know until we move, assuming I survive to see that day happen. Sometimes I really do just want to end it all and I’ve definitely been thinking about it more and more. No one wants to live just to suffer. That’s simply no way to live. It’s no “life.” But I’m afraid that if I don’t die soon I’ll live another 20-something years to do just that. I know it’s only a matter of time before I come down with some new disease or condition that’s treatable but not curable.

I don’t know if I can believe the results since wrist blood pressure cuffs aren’t as accurate, but I seem to have high blood pressure most of the time I check, I still have that strange bounding pulse here and there, and a whole host of other things that make life a bitch. It’s like something up there has said, “Well, if she can’t be anxious right now I’ll just make her feel like she has the flu.”

It’s like something really is determined to see that I suffer. But what or who is it and why? I still don’t know if I believe in any God or spirits but this definitely does seem to go beyond simple bad luck that I wonder if something is planning to send me to hell in the afterlife and this is its way of showing me that things could be worse, as I’ve already learned since even my worst of problems in the past doesn’t seem nearly this bad. So I wonder, is it just making things shitty here with plans to make my existence in an afterlife shittier than the shittiest experience a human could experience while they’re alive? Or maybe the afterlife, if there is one, is going to be so damn good that it’s determined to prolong my suffering as long as it can to delay my getting there. I just don’t know what to think anymore but ending up in some kind of eternal hell that makes these days seem heavenly is one of my worst fears.

Till then I would really love to live somewhere where I didn’t have just a few good scattered days, I was further from the street and one that wasn’t so busy as loud as so many vehicles are these days, and I also wish I could go longer than an hour without hearing a fucking plane. It’s definitely at its quietest around here between midnight and 6am.

Okay, after a long night of pain, fatigue, depression and more, I’m going to have to get to the cawing crow later.