Slept shitty and woke up fatigued and still a bit dizzy. I stopped the Tacrolimus recently as I may have mentioned before but then I had to use it yesterday because I started getting more irritation and I woke up with a headache. Again I wonder if there’s a connection between that and the fatigue and dizziness, though I doubt it. Still gonna hold off on it and see if I can ever get over this cold first. It’s like yesterday’s activities really took a bite out of me and set me back.

So I saw Dr. A and told her how things have been these last 6 months and that I sometimes feel so anxious that I wish I was dead. Literally. She said that was worrisome and therefore she thinks I should see the shrink and therapist because she doesn’t believe it’s just about hormonal changes from me going into menopause. I figured as much. I always thought it seemed rather extreme for perimenopause/menopause and that if the medication wasn’t a factor, something else may be going on.

Dr. A looked me over really well and recommended Ocean Mist to help with any congestion in my nose or the tubes in my inner ears. They didn’t have that brand but when we went to get cold medicine for Tom, we got the same thing which is basically saline but in a different brand. When she looked in my good ear she said it looked fine.

While at Rite Aid, I also got this back massager that extends 23” and has these rubber rollers with “fingers” on it. I could have used that a couple of days ago when I had a backache.

Plus I got eight mini hair scrunchies each in a different color. I just think they should have made the pink lighter. It almost matches the red one as it’s such a dark shade of pink. It will match many of my outfits well, though.

Since I was getting anxious when I wasn’t on vitamin D and the Amberen says it contains vitamin E, I decided to go back on vitamin D to see if it will help with my sleep.

She did say you could get a cold that only included fatigue and dizziness when I asked since different viruses produce different symptoms. Definitely feel both of those right now and could only do 10 minutes on the treadmill. Tom thinks that if I add a few minutes a day, I’ll be better by the end of the week and I really hope he’s right!

They took my blood pressure twice and got a reading of 160/92 both times. My HR was in the 90s which is typical for me. Upon looking at my blood pressure history readings, Dr. A pointed out that it’s been erratic. It’s up down, up down every time I see her. Knowing and understanding my fear of medication, rather than give me something to take when it spikes, which she believes could cause my dizziness, we’re going to have me monitor my blood pressure a few times a day for two weeks using my wrist cuff device. Then I’m going to see the nurse on the 31st and she’s going to check the device and all that. This thing isn’t new but I don’t think it’s that old either. Neither of us could remember exactly when we got it but it was definitely sometime while we were in this house. The question is whether or not I’m holding my arm in the right position. With some of them, you have to cross your arm over your chest, and for others, you want to hold your palm upward.

She says that high blood pressure can’t cause anxiety but anxiety can cause high blood pressure. Yes, I have heard that stress and anxiety can raise blood pressure. Not sure what they’re going to do based on what my BP readings are for the rest of the year but I won’t see A Dr. till March. That’s still sooner than June but oh well.

So after going over my frustrations with her as far as anxiety medication I’ve had so far that either stopped working or had bad side effects, she said that even if I don’t get medication from the shrink, I should still schedule an appointment with her even though it will take months to get in to see her anyway. Maybe my knowing the appointment is out there in the future will help jinx the anxiety into staying away longer. As I told her, though, I know it’s coming back sooner or later and that’s hard on me as well. I either suffer or I worry that I’m going to suffer. The worst possible scenario is that I did develop an anxiety disorder independent of anything else after all, even if other sources can still fuel it and I’m now starting to suspect that sadly, that’s exactly what I did. Totally my shit luck too, to get something so horrible. I mean if there is a God up there, it totally would have me suffer this way, especially now that there are no money issues or other things to worry about these days. We may not have as much extra money as we’d like but we’re not struggling is what I mean. It’s so much worse than depression, too. Depression is absolutely horrible but it’s very straightforward; you’re simply depressed. Anxiety has a million different symptoms and many of them are batshit terrifying. Never before have I felt emotions that didn’t go with my life. Any depression or stress I felt in the past was due to something bad going on in my life. I don’t know, maybe there’s still hope of it going away someday. Maybe just like it one day appeared for no reason other than when the medication really was to blame for at least some of it, it will go away for no reason as well. At this point, it’s looking doubtful, though. Each year I have it, I lose hope and it seems less likely that it will go away. But I’m trying not to think of it in the form of forever otherwise those dark thoughts will be stirred up. I’ve got another quarter-century or so to live so to think that I could have this tormenting me on and off that long is no place I want my mind going if I don’t want to be suicidal.

As much as I like Stacey, she’s such a long drive out in Rocklin and the appointments do add up in both time and money, so we’re going to look into video therapy for me. Our provider has online therapists.

When we got to Dr. O’s medical building I recognized the same girl behind the desk from last time and said, “I remember you. Your favorite color is green.”

She was amazed by my memory. Yeah, wouldn’t it be nice if it was like that most of the time?

Anyway, it kind of sucks that I’ll miss Dr. O now that I’ve come to like her. I’ve always thought she was an amazing doctor and very knowledgeable but now I actually like her at least somewhat, LOL. But at this point, I should definitely never have to see her again.

I was checked in by yet another nurse I’d never seen before who was much more friendly and chatty than the last one. HR was still in the 90s but this time my upper BP number was in the 130s.

After waiting for a half-hour the doctor finally came in but then her cell phone rang and she stepped back out for another minute or two. Then she came in and apologized, saying she was coaching someone on something. I told her it was no problem. I mean after waiting for a half-hour, two additional minutes was nothing. I knew she would be late anyway because she always is. I even surprised Tom with a quick Skype message from the exam room only because I knew I would be in for quite a wait. I mostly did puzzles, though.

Dr. O’s demeanor was very different than the last time. She was much friendlier and supportive and seemed more understanding and empathetic than I ever remember her to be. Through my tears, there were also some jokes and laughter. Or more like smiles and chuckles.

Like with Dr. A, she doesn’t think the medication is the issue. I know damn well it was the first time I went on 75s and when she tried me on 88s. That was a no-brainer. But those symptoms were much more extreme and numerous than what I’ve been dealing with on and off for the last two years with waves of adrenaline stabbing in and out of the center of my chest. I suffered throughout most of this year. I only did well the first week of January, then from about June to the third week of August, and now since November 23rd or something like that.

I gave each doctor a printed copy of the overview of my symptoms over the last month.

Also like Dr. A, she thinks that it’s definitely time to get the psychiatrist involved and explained to me about the body’s natural norepinephrine, epinephrine, serotonin, etc, and how the shrink can find the proper balance biology-wise to get the right chemistry for me. She knows it’s been hard for me because of medication backfiring on me in the past. I also told her I still worry about my T4 hitting 1.4 because history has shown I definitely do have trouble if it gets that high. I’m hoping it will stay where it’s at and that my TSH will continue to fall but more than likely I should at least go up to 1.3. I’m hoping that on this dose I can no longer get to 1.4. She thinks I need 88s, but understandably, she would never suggest it with me in such an anxious state as I have been on and off for so long now. 88 would definitely normalize my numbers but there’s no way I’m going that high.

She says the biggest thing is accepting the problem and telling myself I don’t need to or deserve to suffer from anxiety and that I can and should get help. It’s definitely true that I’ve been not so much sweeping it under the rug as much as hoping it would go away on its own but it’s obviously not going to do that anytime soon if it ever does. As for why? I don’t know what to think anymore. Could be a combination of things or maybe I really did acquire a medical disorder as Dr. A thinks is possible as I said. If that’s the case and my brain chemistry suddenly “broke,” medication is probably the only thing that can fix it or at least keep me from feeling the symptoms. I just hope we can find something without side effects or at least side effects that go away and that are tolerable until they do! It would be even better if I could take something on an as-needed basis rather than a preventative one but I can’t imagine what that may be. But there are a whole shitload of medications out there for the different emotional disorders.

She reminded me that I should never look at a list of side effects when taking new medications because with my phobia it plants a seed in my mind and I’ll think I’m feeling them. So true, too!

She wants me to go to the lab on or after January 7th because then it will be six weeks back on the 75s. I told her how our insurance no longer covers labs and that we’re planning to switch to a plan where we pay for everything until we meet a certain deductible. Then she gave me the name of a lab that’s cheaper. They give their results to Quest but Quest may not contact them so I’ll have to contact her over the portal with the results.

As she wrote these things down on a piece of paper for me I said, “Well, at least you’re optimistic,” and pointed out that that’s what the upward slant of the lines of her writing is supposed to mean. She got a kick out of that one, haha.

I think I pretty much covered the main highlights of our discussion but if I remember anything else I can add it in future entries. I did say on the way out that hopefully I’d never have to see her again and she jokingly said, “I won’t take that personally.”

LOL.