Making another attempt last night to sleep with the CPAP was a bust and it left me exhausted. There’s just no way. I tried and tried, and while I got used to wearing the mask, I could never get used to sleeping with it. Sometimes trying to change and control things really does make things worse, and sometimes we really are how we are and there isn’t much we can do about that. Besides, I’m never given a problem I can just fix. I’m given problems so I can suffer the consequences or so it seems, LOL. At least if I keep my TSH down, the fatigue won’t be so extreme. But the damn mask makes annoying sounds when I need to open my mouth to breathe and sometimes I feel like I’m not getting enough air even though I know I am. I’m just going to have to accept the fact that I’m not going to have the energy I used to have and hope to hell the sleep apnea never advances beyond borderline.

Tom frustrates me at times because he’s so sure that if I keep having reasonable portions when I eat I’ll lose a little weight but he just doesn’t get that it doesn’t work that way for me. I know my body and I know that because my thyroid is likely never to be perfect, my metabolism is always going to be too slow for weight loss by traditional methods. It frustrates me because it reminds me of those telling me to just make my schedule and to just set my alarm. Well, if I could do that, there wouldn’t be any such thing as my type of sleep disorder. So yeah, it’s as frustrating at times to be overestimated as it is to be underestimated.

When Aly was alive she would suffer from bouts of depression and she used to hate it when people told her to simply smile, as if that could fix everything.

Either way, I am going to continue to make a point of eating healthier as often as I can because it’s a good thing to do and will definitely make it harder for me to gain more weight. I’m still hoping that now that I’ve settled into menopause this will be it as far as gaining goes. I’ve been holding steady for a few years now. Sometimes we just have to cut our losses, so if I can’t lose, then I can at least work on not gaining anymore. Should be doable. I’m even going to trade my one cup of coffee a day for tea because it’s both healthier and cheaper. It will be a while before the jar of instant coffee I have runs out, though. It will also be about 50-100 fewer calories because I don’t put cream in my tea like I do with coffee.